04x10 - Lucy and the Celebrities

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Co-starring Gale Gordon

and Lucie Arnaz.

Good morning, Harry.

What's good about it?

Well, my, we're
grouchy this morning.

Yes we are grouchy this morning

because me is
about to be wiped out.

What do you mean wiped out?

Just look at this
advertisement, look at it.

Read it! Read it out loud!

You can read can't you?

"Attention do you need
unusual people for unusual jobs?

If so, try The Unusual
Employment Agency.

We specialize in unusual
jobs for unusual people."

Harry they practically
stolen our name and slogan!

That is right and they
are going on radio.

They are going to do commercials
with prominent businessmen

endorsing that agency.

I tell you this will finish us!

Oh, the nerve of them!

How do they dare
do a thing like this?

I don't know I don't.

I haven't slept a wink all
night, I can't think of a thing.

Lucille, I am desperate!

Harry you have got
to fight fire with fire!

"You have got to
fight fire with fire!"

I need help and you
give me Smokey the Bear!

Oh, Harry listen,
I've got a good idea.

What! What! What!

We'll get radio endorsements
for our agency too

but, we won't use businessmen.

We'll use celebrities.

- Celebrities?
- Yeah, just think, Harry

famous celebrities doing
our radio commercials

saying that they always use
Carter's Unique Employment Agency.

Say that might work!

Of course it'll work!

Now, how can we
get the celebrities?

What do you mean 'we'?

That's your job I thought
of everything else!

Hello!

Yes, sir.

I know about that crazy red-headed
dame who's been trying to sneak on the lot.

She's been here three times.

Don't worry, she'll
never get pass me.

What can I do for you, ma'am?

I'd like to see John
Wayne, sonny.

Sorry, John Wayne
isn't seeing anybody.

Oh, he'll see me.

I'm the president of the
John Wayne fan club.

- His fan club?
- Yeah, Pismo Beach chapter.

I started the club years ago
when Big Duke was still Little Duke.

Now, you just let me
in to see him, sonny.

Impossible!

Mr. Wayne is
working on a close set.

Well, find a key and open it up!

Sorry.

Perhaps you may
come back another time.

Sonny, at my age there
may not be another time.

Now, you let me in, see.

Impossible!

Oh, c'mon sonny, you be nice
to me and I'll be nice to you.

Well, what do you say,
sonny you gonna let me in?

I couldn't let you in if
you were my own mother.

I don't think you
ever had a mother!

Alright, don't dawdle
young man, open the gate

I'm here to see
Mr. Jimmy Stewart!

- Do you have an appointment?
- I certainly do.

I'm his dietician and
his ballet instructor.

I am the one who keeps
him so slim and so trim.

Now open the gates immediately.

- But madam...
- Come! Come! No arguments.

Mr. Stewart does work
at this studio does he not?

Yes but...

Yes, then it is very imperative
that I see Mr. Stewart today!

Okay lady, I just
hope you can swim.

Swim?

Yes, Mr. Stewart is
on location at Catalina.

I was right the first time
you never had a mother!

Momma, answer the phone!

I don't wanna answer it!

Why not?

Because I know it's Harry
and I don't wanna talk to him!

Why not?

Because I goofed on
an assignment today

and I just don't wanna
hear him scream at me!

Mother, please answer
it, it might be for me.

Oh, okay.

It was Harry!

Well, Minnehaha-haw!

Well, different huh?

I'll say it's different.

Do you like it?

Yeah, I like it. What
do you all done that for?

Well, I have a date.

With whom Sitting Bull?

No, he happens to be a very
famous celebrity, Rich Little.

Rich Little?

Sounds like a
millionaire m*dget.

Mother, he's that
fantastic mimic.

A mimic? I never heard of him.

Well, he's on
television all the time.

You should hear him when
he pretends he's Carry Grant,

Kirk Douglas, Spiro Agnew.

Who would ever
want be Spiro Agnew?

How come you have a
date with a big celebrity?

Well, my drama class is
putting on a show tomorrow night

and he's our guest star

and the president of the
entertainment committee

picked me to
entertain him tonight.

Oh!

- Who's the president?
- I am.

Yeah.

Oh! That must be him.

Oh gosh!

- Hi!
- Hi Rich!

Rich, I'd like you
to meet my mother.

You're mother!

Impossible! It can't be!

Why you look young
enough to be Kim's sister.

I see you imitate the
Blarney Stone too.

Rich, I was just telling Mom
about the show tomorrow night.

Have you decided which
stars you're gonna imitate?

Yeah, I thought I'd do Ed Sullivan,
Kurt Douglas, and John Wayne.

Oh, I hope you're not gonna
forget Flip Wilson or Jimmy Stewart?

No, no I'll do them after I do
Gregory Peck and Jack Benny.

Oh!

Mr. Little, do you really imitate
Jimmy Stewart and John Wayne

and Jack Benny?

Well yes, but not
all at the same time.

Oh, of course not.

He's fantastic mother,

you know, if you closed your
eyes when he imitates those stars

you'd swear they were
standing right in front of you.

If you, if you closed your eyes?

Closed your eyes.

Mr. Little, would
you do me a favor?

Well, certainly.

Are you free tomorrow morning?

As a matter of fact I am, yes.

Oh good, come here and sit down
I'll tell you what I'd like you to do.

Uh, mother I hope this
isn't gonna take too long

because I have to be at the
restaurant in half an hour you know.

No, no it'll only take a
few minutes to explain it.

Oh, good 'cause I wouldn't want
Minnehaha here to miss her reservation.

Oh!

Oh, honey, don't answer it.

- It's Uncle Harry again.
- Oh!

Well thanks, Kim

I've always wanted to tell
Harry to go soak his head.

Now then young man,

- if you will be in my office
tomorrow morning, I will tell you.
- Yeah.

Good morning!

Where have you been?

- Well...
- I tried to phone you all last night!

I was out doing
some work last night.

- You? Working?
- Yes, me working!

Yesterday you told me to get
endorsements from celebrities

and Harry I have got
some of the biggest stars

that you could've...
oh my goodness!

What, what's the matter?

Your eyes Harry, your eyes!

What, what about my eyes?

Oh, Harry!

Harry, I hate to
tell you this but

you got a terrible case
of peeper poopers!

Peeper poopers!

What in the name of the Mayo
Brothers is peeper poopers?

Well, it's something
new that's going around.

I just found out about it when I came
up in the elevator with Dr. Kurtzman.

And who is Dr. Kurtzman?

Well, he's an eye doctor

and he's opening offices one
floor above and he's very nice.

Hello!

Oh, what a coincidence.
It's Dr. Kurtzman.

Come in, Doctor.

Lucille, the interruption
please forgive but

you are so complimentary
about your boss.

Him I would like to meet.

Dr. Kurtzman this
is Harrison Carter.

Oh, hello, pleased
to meet you, doctor.

Oh no, no the
pleasure is by me! Yes!

Lucille said some
wonderful things about...

Oh my goodness!

Peeper poopers!

I told him, doctor. I told him.

Is it, is it serious?

No, fortunately we
have caught it early

while the peepers
were only partly pooped.

- So the treatment is simple.
- Oh.

Yes, relax and sit
down, sit down. Yes.

Harry, sit right
down here and relax.

Quick, a pitcher of ice water!

Yes, right here, Doctor.

You just relax
Harry, just relax now.

Put some water on the
compresses and put some on the ice.

Yes sir, yes sir.

Now, you just relax, Harry
we've caught this in time.

- Tie the bandage around tight.
- Yes, sir.

- So it does not come loose.
- Yes, sir.

There we are. Oh, yes.

Now, you must keep the
compresses on for one-half hour

and the peeper poopers
will be osh-ki-poop!

- Osh-ki-poop?
- Osh-ki-poop.

- Yes.
- Oh, I'll keep it on then.

Now, alright, yes, you Lucille
must keep the compresses wet

so every once in while you
must give a little spritz like so.

You mean like so?

No, no, no, more like, like so.

- Oh, oh you mean like so?
- Yeah, that's it.

Well, I must be off!

- Well, thank you very much, doctor.
- Goodbye!

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

Oh, over here!

Goodbye, Mr. Carter. It's
been a pleasure meeting you.

- Goodbye, Lucille!
- Goodbye, doctor.

Goodbye!

Thank you very much.

Now Harry I started to tell
you about the celebrities

- I got to endorse our program.
- Oh, yes.

Oh, good heavens, Harry!

What, what, what, what?

Jimmy Stewart just came in!

- Jimmy Stewart!
- Yes!

- The movie star!
- Yeah!

- Here in my office!
- How are you?

How are you doing?

Oh, oh this I've got to see!

Oh, no! Harry no, no!

Remember what the doctor said.

'Cause he said that gotta
stay up for half an hour at least.

Oh, Mr. Stewart it's such a
pleasure seeing you here.

Well ma'am I, I
said I would be here

and I always keep my
word, keep my word.

Oh, it is! It is.

I know that voice anywhere!

Mr. Stewart, I'd like you to
meet my boss Harrison Carter.

Ah, shake partner!

- Oh!
- Over here, over here.

How do you do, sir?

What, what seems to be
wrong with your eyes, Mr. Carter?

Oh, oh well it's something
I just heard about it,

it's called peeper poopers.

Peeper poopers!

Oh, you've heard of it?

I sure have, my horse
had peeper poopers.

Your horse?

Yeah my horse, unfortunately we
were in the middle of Death Valley

and we didn't have any compresses
to put over the horse's eye.

Wha, wha, wha, what happened?

Well we, we, we
had to sh**t him.

Shoo, shoo, sh**t him!

I know that he's trotting around

in that big pasture
up there in the sky.

Amen.

Uh, Mr. Stewart, my tape recorder's
all set to record your endorsement.

- The endorsement?
- Yes.

Oh! Oh, yeah, yes!
The endorsement.

Oh, yes of course
the endorsement.

So, you just go right ahead.

Yeah, yeah.

This is Jimmy Stewart here.

Folks I have always used Carter's
Unique Employment Agency

and I have found that when
you need a helping hand

they always give you the
whole hand not just a finger.

Oh!

Thank you so much, Mr. Stewart.

Harry, wasn't that nice?

Oh, it was, it was!

I don't care what happens
I've got to have a little look.

- Harry!
- No! No! No!

Don't take off the,
don't take them off!

Remember my horse.

- Yeah Harry, remember his horse.
- Oh, yes.

We gotta keep
those bandages wet!

Well, I guess
I'll be shovin' off

and we'll be seeing
you soon, huh?

Oh, thank you so much.

Thank you, Mr. Stewart.

Wow! If it isn't Duke Wayne!

Oh! John Wayne is here.

Bi, bi, bi, big John!

Big Duke! Big Wayne!

Yeah, John Wayne, yes!

Oh... Mr. Jo... Mr. Big... Oh,

Well Jimmy, what's with the
fellow wearing the blindfold?

Well Duke, he um, he's
a, he's got peeper poopers.

Peeper poopers?

Yeah, you remember
like my horse had.

Are you gonna have
to sh**t him too?

Why not he's already
got the blindfold on there.

No!

No, no, that was just
a little bit of humor

I threw in there, Mr. Carter.

Well, I gotta be going I'll,
I'll see you people soon.

- Goodbye, goodbye, Mr. Stewart.
- Bye!

And hello, Mr. Wayne.

Well, howdy, Ms. Lucy.

Oh, I can't believe it!

I can't believe it!

Oh, this I've got to see.

Harry! Remember
what the doctor said!

Uh, this is my boss, Mr. Carter,

the one that I wanted you
to make the endorsement for.

How are you, kid?

Well, I'm doing pretty well
under the circumstances.

- Mr. Way... Big Ju... Way... Big Ju.
- Mr. Wayne.

- M-m-m-mister Wayne.
- Mr. Wayne.

Mr. Wayne, will you please
record your endorsement

on this recorder right here.

Yes, ma'am.

There you are.

Alright, but don't crowd me.

No, sir.

Well, this is John Wayne!

I want you to, want you
to listen and listen tight.

There's no job too big,
there's no job too small.

You gotta use Carter
he's always on the ball.

Oh, thank you!

Oh, I like that!

- Mr. Carter!
- Hmm?

I want you to know that I only did this
your endorsement for your secretary.

Ah-huh.

So, the least you can do
is give the little lady a raise.

A raise? Why should
I give her a raise?

'Cause I'm telling
you to give her a raise.

Oh, no, no, Mr. Wayne not that!

He'll give me a raise put
your g*n back in its holster.

I'll give it to her!
I'll give it to her!

I'll give it! I'll
give it to her!

I'll give her as much of a
raise as you want me to.

Well, that's better.

I think you should give
the little lady a, what?

I think you should give
her a fifteen dollar raise.

Fifteen dollars!

That's about the size of it.

Oh but... fifteen
dollars. I'm...

You heard me mister unless that
blindfold is pluggin' up your ears.

She, she, she, she's got it!

She's got it! She's got it!

Well, that's better.

Well, I guess I'd better
be moseying along.

Yeah well, goodbye and
thank you, Mr. Wayne.

Tha, tha, thank
you very much, yes.

Yo!

Well, if isn't Blue
Eyes himself.

Now cut that out!

That sounds like Jack Benny!

Jack Benny!

Smart aleck, kid!

You know that John Wayne
walks funnier than I do,

but he's so big
who's gonna tell him!

You I have got to see!

No! Harry! No! No!

Now sit down, Harry.

Mr. Benny, it's so
nice of you to come.

This is my boss Harrison
Carter he has peeper poopers.

Well, there's a lot
of that going around.

Yes, yes there is.

Now Mr. Benny I, I, I'm ready
to record your endorsement

so you can talk right into this.

Very well, I've written a
little poem of endorsement

which I would like
to recite to you.

You see and you know.

A poem by Jack Benny;

if you're unusual
and want a job unique,

I'll tell you who will get
you exactly what you seek,

the Carter Agency
an old established line,

it's been in business
since I was thirty nine.

Oh, what a lovely poem!

Rod Mckuen eat your heart out.

Oh, Mr. Benny, thank
you, thank you so much,

and if there's ever
anything I can do for you

please let me know.

Well, there is one thing
that you can do for me.

Oh, name it.

Could you validate
my parking ticket?

Well, I'll do it.

There you go.

Well kids, I've gotta
be running along

see I've got to visit the
hospital, my violin teacher's there;

slashed his wrist again.

Goodbye Mr. Benny!

Oh, wasn't that
nice of him, Harry?

Oh, it certainly was.

- Oh, Lucille?
- Yes, Harry.

Sometimes I don't
appreciate you but,

today you came
through magnificently.

Oh, thank you.

You know I, I'm not
ordinarily an emotional man,

but, but, I'd like to show my
gratitude and reward you properly.

Oh, Harry!

Lucille,

thank you.

Oh, why Harry!

Oh, now don't cry it's not
good for your peeper poopers.

Now, now you just sit down here.

And Lucille I'm a man of my word

I promised you a
raise and you will get it.

Thank you, Harry.

Yes, starting immediately
you will get a five-dollar raise.

- Five dollars!
- Oh, please!

Please, don't try to thank me
or I'll break down completely.

But Harry, when you
talked to John Wayne

you promised me
a fifteen dollar raise.

I know, I know,

but just being near Jack
Benny brought me to my senses.

Lucille, would you please
dab at my bandages again?

Gladly.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. We
will take care of it, sir

and thank you for
using our agency.

Hi, Mom!

Oh, hi, baby!

How's business?

- Oh, fantastic!
- Oh good.

We've only been broadcasting
those endorsements for one week

and business has tripled.

Oh, great!

You know, Mom, there's one
thing you never told me though,

how did you get the releases?

Releases, what releases?

Well, you know, whenever you
use a famous star's voice or picture

on a commercial endorsement
you must get their written permission.

You're kidding!

You didn't get the permission?

Why, I never I thought of it!

Oh, but anyway Kim, those
imitations that Rich Little did

were so flattering I can't see
how anyone could be offended.

Well, maybe you're right.

- After all they were never
played on a national network.
- No.

- Just the little radio stations.
- Yeah.

- Locally. Maybe nobody will
hear them any place else.
- That's right.

Oh, you're, you're uh...

- Jack Benny.
- Yes!

Well, I'm flattered that
you almost recognized me.

Now the reason I'm here

is because this agency has been
using my voice in commercials.

Yes, sir.

Oh and isn't it a
wonderful imitation of you?

Oh, it's superb! It's
marvelous, so vibrant!

You know, so youthful, so sexy,

so me!

Oh, then you liked it.

I loved it.

Oh, I am so glad

because I'd like to speak
to you about a legal release.

- That's exactly what I
want to talk to you about.
- Oh!

Oh, is that a release?

It's a summons.

I'm suing you for
ten million dollars.

By the way, would you please
validate my parking ticket?

Thank you.