04x17 - Lucy and the Little Old Lady

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Co-starring Gale Gordon

and Lucie Arnaz.

Yoo-hoo!

Anybody home!

Nobody here but us chickens.

Oh goodness!

I haven't been called a chicken
since way back when I was one.

Well now, what can
I do for you, dear?

- Your sign says you're
an employment agency.
- Right.

I thought maybe you
could get me a job.

Well, I hope so.

Please sit down.

Thank you.

Now, tell me what do you do?

Well, to be truthful
dearie, not a blame thing.

Oh well, we don't seem to
have much call for that lately.

But I'm willing
to try and learn.

Good.

Oh, I was just having some
tea would you care for some?

Well, as my dear departed
husband used to say,

if that's the strongest
thing you're offering

I'm accepting.

Fine.

Sugar, cream?

No thank you, neither.

I have to watch my figure.

Unfortunately, at my age
I'm the only one that does.

Here you are.

Oh, thank you.

Now, I'm Lucy Carter.

And I'm Kathleen Brady.

Nice to know you, Mrs. Brady.

Uh, now about your job.

Oh, I only want the job for a
week and I'll do anything, anything.

Oh.

What pretty hair you have.

Thank you.

Is that a wig?

No, it's all mine.

Oh yes, I should've
known it was your own.

I never saw a wig that color.

I said the hair was
mine not the color.

Mrs. Brady, tell me why is it
you only want a job for one week?

Well, you see I'm here
from Dubuque, Iowa

to visit my nephew
Johnny Muldoon

and oh he's handsome and
tall and blue laughing eyes,

oh he's a real charming
lad, maybe you know him.

No, no, but I wish he
was available for a week.

A girl like you so pretty, why you
could wrap him around your fingers.

Oh!

Well as I say, I came to
visit my nephew, Johnny,

but we seem to have
got our signals crossed.

Your signals crossed?

Yes, because he's out of town.

Oh.

And I'm out of funds.

Oh, but gee, that's too bad,

because there just doesn't
seem to be a job here

that would be right for you.

Oh, oh, here's one.

What is it?

Uh, no, never mind.

Oh no! Why not?

Well, it's for a waitress.

Oh, I could be a waitress!

Topless?

No! I think I'm a
wee bit late for that.

Isn't there anything else?

No, I'm sorry, dear.
There just isn't.

Well, thank you for the tea
and it was very nice meeting you.

Nice meeting you.

Wait a minute.

I just thought of something
that would be perfect for you.

What!

Come and stay with me.

Fine!

- I'm a good housekeeper
and I can cook a bit.
- No.

Or, I can do laundry
with the best of.

No, no, none of that.

Now, I can't pay you, I can't afford
you unless you stay as a guest.

Now, why don't you stay with me?

Well, as my dear departed
husband used to say,

never look a gift
horse in the mouth.

Nothing personal.

No.

Then you will be my guest?

Oh, thank you, darling, yes!

Oh, dinner's coming along fine.

- Good, Mrs. Brady.
- Yes.

I think I ought
to be telling you,

I put a little extra garlic
in the spaghetti sauce.

Well, you didn't have to tell us

we knew it when
the daffodils drooped.

Oh.

Mom, isn't Uncle
Harry a little bit late?

Don't worry it's a free
meal, he'll be here.

True.

Mrs. Brady, why don't
you sit down and relax.

Working keeps me young.

Well, it's sweet of you
to be so considerate.

You know, I knew I was going to
meet some nice people out here.

My dear husband
Michael told me I would.

Oh.

You're husband?

I though you said he passed on.

He has, but I still
hear from him.

Since he died?

He gets messages to me
through Napoleon and Josephine.

Napoleon and Josephine who?

The Bonaparte's.

Oh, that Napoleon and Josephine.

Yes, you see, they're my
contacts in the spirit world.

Oh, they're a darling couple

though I do think he's
a wee bit short for her.

Well, not if he
wears that hat of his.

Well, that does
even him up, yes.

You know, why don't we
have a séance here tonight.

- A séance?
- Yes.

I've been watching how our
medium does it out in Dubuque

and I could try
to go into a trance

and bring in Josephine
and Napoleon.

Yeah well, thanks just the same

but I don't have a thing
to wear for meeting royalty.

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

You're like some
of my other friends;

you think I'm a ding-a-ling
for believing in the spirit world.

Oh, now Mrs. Brady, anybody
who isn't part ding-a-ling

wouldn't feel at
home around here.

What do you mean by that?

Oh, stay where you are that's
a job for the housekeeper.

And you must be
Mr. Harrison Carter!

Come right in.

Uh, thank you.

- Hello, Harry.
- Hi, Uncle Harry!

Hello.

Harry, this is Mrs. Brady.

I'm pleased to meet you!

And what would like to be
having to drink before dinner?

Oh, anything at all.

Fine!

I'll make you up
one of my specialties.

Mrs. Brady huh, who's she?

She's here from Dubuque
to visit her nephew

and he's out of town and
she had no place to stay.

So you just brought her home.

Why not? She's
a sweet little lady.

She could be an axe
murderess for all you know.

Harry, come on.

Or, she could be like those sweet
little old ladies in Arsenic and Old Lace.

They got their kicks poisoning
people with elderberry wine.

Oh, poisoning with elderberry
wine honestly, Uncle Harry.

- That was just a play.
- Shh.

There you are, Mr. Carter.

- Thank you.
- Bottoms up now.

Yeah, bottoms up.

Oh, say that's delicious!

Oh, I'm so glad you like it.

It's elderberry wine.

That was my late
husband's favorite drink.

Your, your late husband?

You know Mr. Carter, I expected
you to be a much older man.

I never thought that anybody
so successful could be so young.

Oh, well, how young
do you think I am?

Oh! Anywhere from 42 to...

Ah, bingo I'm 42!

Well anyway, it's a pleasure to meet
a man like you with a lovely disposition

and such a winning personality.

Oh, Here! Here!

Oh, I'd like to propose a toast to
my new found friend Mrs. Brady

whose beauty and
charm are only exceeded

by her fabulous ability
to judge character.

Well, if it's poison at
least he'll go happy.

Oh, Mr. Carter.

Well, good morning, Mrs. Brady!

Come in, come in,
what a pleasant surprise.

Thank you.

I'm so glad I found you here.

I need some financial advice.

Financial advice,

Mrs. Brady, Dun and Bradstreet
don't make a move without me.

Now then, what's your problem?

Well, I was hoping
that my nephew Johnny

could sell some family property
for me but he isn't around.

Here's the deed. It's in Dublin.

Oh, in Dublin. I see.

I need the money right away

so I'm willing to part with
the property at a sacrifice.

Yeah, at a sacrifice,
oh won't you sit down!

Sit down!

Mrs. Brady, please
make yourself comfortable.

There we are, my dear.

Now, I might make
an offer myself,

only to save you
from someone who

might try to take
advantage of you.

- I knew I could count on you.
- Yes.

Mrs. Brady, would you be
offended if I made a phone call

to the Irish consul to
check on this property?

- Oh, by all means call!
- Thank you, thank you.

And I'll step out.

I'll be giving you
a little privacy.

Oh, that won't be necessary!

I insist.

- Oh, thank you.
- I'll wait out in the hall.

Right.

Hello!

Please, is there a body there
who can give me information

on a property in Dublin?

Thank you, sir. I'll wait.

Top of the morning to you!

This is Harrison
O'Carter speaking!

Yes, I'd like to check on the
value of a piece of property

on the Northeast Corner of
Molby and Delaney Street in Dublin

it's right... you don't say now!

You're familiar with the
neighborhood, bless your heart.

I... It's worth what?

Twenty-five thousand;
at least 25,000 dollars!

Are you sure?

Oh well, bless you me boy bless
you and thank you very much.

May your shamrocks never
be crowded out by crab grass!

Thank you.

[Sings] Toora loora
loora, toora loora loo,

and the time has come for
Harry to make a buck or two,

Oh, Mrs. Brady.

Yeah Kim, well I
think I'll be able to go.

Alright, I'll meet you at the
luncheonette at twelve-thirty,

bye-bye.

You're pretty spry for a
chubby little leprechaun.

Well, I'm light on me feet
because I'm light in me heart.

And a little light
in the head, too.

Why are you so happy, Harry?

Lucille, I'm always happy
when I do someone a favor

and I have just done a favor
for our dear friend Mrs. Brady.

Oh, what kind of a favor did
you do for our good friend?

Well, she had a financial problem
and I gave her some money.

Butterfingers.

No, I didn't drop it, it just
jumped right out of my hand

when you said you
gave her some money.

Oh, come on now, really.

I didn't actually
give her the money,

I, well she's too
proud for that.

She had a piece of property in
Ireland that I bought from her.

What kind of property?

Oh, little house and lot,
a broken down shanty.

How much did you give her
for this broken down shanty?

Much more than it was
worth, 5,000 dollars.

It did it again! It jumped
right out of my hands.

Will you stop with
that nonsense?

If you gave her 5,000 dollars,
it's probably worth 25,000.

Alright, alright, alright
Lucille, enough of your insult.

Everyone knows that
I'm the soul of honesty.

Um.

Harry, me thinks that little box
is trying to tell you something.

Little leprechauns
live in there, Harry.

Well Mom, you wanna order now?

Hmm?

Mother, what's bugging you?

Oh, here comes a head bug now.

So what else is new?

Ladies, may I join you for lunch

and to assure an affirmative
answer, the lunch is on me.

Oh well, that's very
nice of you, Uncle Harry.

Thank you dear, thank you.

You seem in a good mood
today, what's the occasion?

He's celebrating Take A Little
Old Lady To The Cleaners week.

That's enough, Lucille.

What's this all about?

Well, Mrs. Brady
needed some money

so I bought some
property from her in Ireland.

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh?

I said something naughty?

Did Mrs. Brady say this was
her ancestral home in Ireland?

Well, where else would a
Brady have an ancestral home?

In Afghanistan?

Did she say she was
selling it at a sacrifice?

Uh, something like that, yes.

Uh-oh.

What's wrong with that?

Did she want cash?

At the risk of
another "uh-oh", yes.

Uh-oh.

Well, I got it anyway.

Kim, it's very impolite answering
every question with "uh-oh".

Now, what are you getting at?

Mom, I read this magazine
article about rackets

and this sounds exactly like one
of the con games they described.

Uh-oh.

Uh, uh, a con?

The article said
that it seems to be a

favorite racket of
little old lady con artist.

They sometimes go
around selling fake deeds

to property back in Ireland.

Oh? Uh, and I oh, I mean, in
oh, I mean, and they oh I, I, I...

- Harry, Harry, Harry.
- What?

I know just what you mean.

You'd have been a lot
happier if she poisoned you.

A fake!

Say you're not a fake!

Tell me! Speak to me!

Tell me!

You!

- What do you mean me?
- It's your fault.

If you hadn't taken her in,
she wouldn't have taken me in.

Oh, Harry.

Oh now, what are we
doing standing here,

- let's go and catch her
before she skips town.
- Oh!

Come on, come on, hurry up.

For heaven’s sake,
there's so much at stake!

Oh, excuse me.

Boy am I cracking up.

Forget it.

She's still here!
She's up in her room.

- She's taking a nap.
- Good, good.

Now, I'm going
to call the police.

Why?

Well, she, she did
me out of 5,000 dollars!

Shh.

Oh, please don't
call the police.

You might get her into trouble.

Whose side are you on?

Uncle Harry, there must be
another way to get your money back.

Now, don't call the police.

Yeah, well, maybe you're
right. She probably has an angle.

She'd get me for false
arrest or something.

- Now, we've got to trick her
into giving me my money back.
- Yes.

Yeah, alright now
let's all think. Think.

Boy am I desperate
asking you to think.

Okay Harry, so
I'm not too smart.

But I'm not stupid enough to
pay 5,000 dollars for a phony deed.

Chalk one up for Momsie.

Alright now,
think, think, think.

Oh gosh.

Hey, I got it.

What? What? What?

I'll bet she'd give the money
back if her husband asked her to.

Now you're thinking.

Yes.

Now, we'll tell her husband
to give me the money and...

Her husband's dead.

Uh-huh.

Oh!

But she still talks to him.

That's right.

She keeps in touch with him
through Napoleon and Josephine.

That, she does.

If this is a ship of fools, will
you let me off at Catalina.

Listen Harry, Mrs. Brady
believes in spiritualism.

- She even wants to
have a séance here.
- Oh!

She thinks that Napoleon
and Josephine are her contacts

with the spirit world.

So, why don't we let her
conduct a séance here tonight.

Yeah, that's a good idea. Yes.

Okay, maybe we need
a few more people, huh.

Okay, I'll call
some of my friends.

- Alright.
- Yeah.

Oh wait, Mom,

who are we gonna get to
play Napoleon and Josephine?

Yeah, who?

Who do you think?

Oh, looks like tonight's
the night, Josephine.

Now, if everybody's ready.

- Okay. Okay.
- Yes, we can start.

Ooh, ooh, I hope
this is going to work.

I just have a feeling you're
gonna do fine, Mrs. Brady.

I hope I can go into a trance.

- Now, somebody, put out the light.
- Okay.

Okay, I'll get this
one over here.

Won't it be a little spooky
with all the lights out?

Oh, I hope so.

Are you ready?

Uh, uh-hum.

Let us all hold hands and
think about the spirit world.

Then, I'm going to close my
eyes and try to go into a trance.

Huuhhh.

Woooooo.

Spirit world.

Spirit world.

I'm trying to contact you.

Come through to me.

Come through.

Woooo, spirit world.

Uh-woooo.

Mrs. Brady, are you alright?

Shh.

That's the way we
do it back in Dubuque.

Oohh.

Napoleon, Josephine,
are you there?

Answer me.

We're on our way.

We're coming in.

We're stacked up
over Los Angeles.

It's working.

I've contacted the spirit world.

Oh, now everybody concentrate,

and let's try to make
them materialize.

Oohh,

Ohhhh.

Open your eyes
Kathleen, we've landed.

Huh?

I did it? I did it!

Oh Mrs. Brady, you've
got them tuned in real good.

Hello, Josephine.
Hello, Napoleon.

Hello.

Greetings from the spirit world.

Would have been here sooner
but we took a wrong turn at Mars.

You both looked
changed. You look different.

We've been sick.

I haven't really been
well since Waterloo.

Sick?

But you're spirits. You're dead.

You can't get much
sicker than that.

Tell me Napoleon,
tell me Josephine,

how are things
on the other side?

Fine, fine. We're
keeping our spirits up.

And now tell me the
news I'm longing to hear.

Have you a message for me from
my dear departed husband Michael?

Michael is well my dear,

but he's a little upset
with you, Kathleen.

Upset with me?
Oh my, what about?

He says you ought to
be ashamed of yourself.

You took advantage of
that nice sweet Mr. Carter.

That was a bad deal you made

and you should give
him his money back.

Oh, that's terrible.

I don't mean to take
advantage of him.

Mr. Carter, would you
take your money back?

He would, he would, he would.

Kathleen, we have to go
now. Send us back quickly.

Alright darlings.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Go back, go back.

Ohhhhh.

Go... back...

Uhhhh.

Huuuuh!

Huuh...

Oh, I think that last
one did it, Mrs. Brady.

The spirits are gone.
Get the lights, Kim.

Yes.

Oh, that was wonderful!
Just wonderful.

Oh! You were sensational.

Just sensational.

I can't wait to tell them
about this back in Dubuque.

Good grief.

And don't forget to tell them
about returning the 5,000 dollars.

Oh yes, oh I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean to take
advantage of you.

Oh, here. Here's the money.

Wasn't it good that Michael
sent me the message.

Oh, bully for Michael.

Yes and here's your deed.

Ah-ha.

Well, refreshment
time everybody.

Yes, everybody in the
kitchen. Refreshments.

Oh, I'll get that. I'll get it.

Aunt Katie!

Oh, Johnny!

Johnny me boy! How are you?

I'm fine. I called my
answering service.

They told me where you
were so I came right over.

Oh, you're a
sight for sore eyes.

Folks! I want you
to meet my nephew.

Officer Johnny Muldoon.

Oh, officer?

Uh, yes, ma'am. Detective.

Los Angeles Police Department.

Now, I have great
news for you Aunt Katie.

I went to see a real estate
agent I know in San Francisco,

and I sold your
property in Dublin.

You did?

Yes and here's a certified
check for 25,000 dollars.

2 5, 000?

Yippeee!

Twent-twent-twent twenty
five thousand dollars!

What the-What's
the matter with him?

Battle fatigue.

He hasn't been the
same since Waterloo.