05x02 - Lucy and Eva Gabor Are Hospital Roomies

[bunniefuu]

[Announcer] Here's Lucy.

Starring: Lucille Ball.

Co-starring: Gale Gordon.

Drink up.

Hello.

Hello, Lucille. This is Harry.

Oh, hi, Harry.

Gee. I'm glad you called.

I wanted to thank you for
sending me this little cactus thing.

Wear it in good health.

Well, it's very sweet of
you to call and cheer me up.

I've been so bored
just lying here.

- Lucille. Lucille.
- What?

This is a business call.

Oh.

I thought maybe you called
to cheer up a poor little shut-in.

I called to find out if
the poor little shut-in

remembered to mail the
check for the office rent.

I think I did. What
makes you think I didn't?

When I came to work this
morning, the office was padlocked.

Oh, dear.

Well, let me think now.

Oh, Harry. I remember
I took the check with me

when I went to Snowmass.

Yeah..and I put it
in my jacket pocket

so I can mail it
after I went skiing,

and then I broke my leg and
I don't know what happened.

The check must be up
there somewhere in the snow.

Splendid. Splendid.

Then all we have to do
is wait for the spring thaw.

Oh, Harry, just write
them another check.

Oh, listen, Harry.

The nurse told me I'm going
to get a new roommate today.

Another one?

That's the fourth one this week.

I know.

Doesn't that tell you something?

Is it my fault that they
have short diseases?

Lucille, I cannot
jaw with you all day.

I have to get back to work.

Aren't you going to
ask me how I feel?

How do you feel?

Well, OK, but the doc...

Goodbye.

Oh, for me?

No, for your new roommate.

Oh.

You're going to be surprised
when you see who it is.

Who? Who is it?

Miss Eva Gabor.

Eva Gabor!

Oh my goodness!

Oh, I like that perfume.
What's it called?

It doesn't have a name.

It was made especially
for Miss Gabor.

Oh.

Oh, it's lovely.

And don't breathe in too
much. It's very expensive.

Oh.

You may bring Miss Gabor in now?

- Miss Gabor's room is ready now.
- Yes, ma'am.

Darling, darling, it's charming.

Oh, I'm sorry.

We couldn't get
you a private room.

The hospital is so overcrowded.

That's perfectly all right.

You know that I adore company.

I am Eva Gabor.

Oh, I know. I know.

And I'm... I'm...
uh... I'm St. John.

I'm Lucille Carter.

How do you do?

Yeah. Did you
break your leg, too?

No. It's my foot,

but they won't know
it until the x-ray.

Oh, what happened to your foots?

I dropped a bottle
of champagne on it.

Oh, dear. That's awful.

I know.

It was a very good year.

Now, Walter, darling,
be careful very gentle.

- Oops!
- Easy.

There we are.

Here we go. That's a good boy.

Oops!

Thank you, Walter.

Put this under you.

- Oh, thank you very much.
- You're welcome.

Thank you.

You better do what you can.

Oh, Walter, I would like
you to do a few things for me.

Yes, Miss Gabor.

Call Palm Springs
and tell Frank Sinatra

that I won't be able to
have dinner with him.

Frank Sinatra!

And Walter, cancel the
meeting of my board of directors

of my big company.

Will do.

Miss Gabor, I have
one of your wigs.

Oh, you do. That's nice.

Is that one of them?

Oh no.

Oh, thank goodness.

Now, here's your script.

Now, study, study, study,
and I'll call you this afternoon.

All right. Goodbye, darling.

Goodbye.

Goodbye, Valter.

Goodbye.

Hello.

Hi, Harry. This is
Lucy. How are you?

Same as I was five minutes ago.

Well, I have
something to tell you.

- Remember I said I was going
to get a new... uh— - A roommate.

Right.

- Oh, well, so you
have a new roommate.
- Right.

Don't you want
to know who it is?

Why should I want to know?
She won't be there long.

It's someone important,
Harry. Very important.

- Important?
- Yeah.

Oh... oh... you mean
you can't tell me who it is

- because she might hear you?
- Right.

Oh, well, give me some clues.

All right.

- Harry.
- Yeah.

Um, what's up in the sky?

They put an astronaut
in the next bed?

No, Harry.

Hospital rooms
haven't gone co-ed yet.

What's up in the sky at night?

Smog.

Harry, listen.

Twinkle, twinkle,
little... ah..ah... ah.

Ah..ah... ah... star... Star?

Star!

- There is a star in the next bed?
- Right!

Oh, tell me who it is.
Give me some clues.

Let me see.

Harry, uh... why...
why do you eat?

Because I'm hungry?

Exactly.

Exactly?

Because I'm hungry.

Hungry... hungry... hungry... hungari
- al... hungari-sheran... Hungarian!

She's Hungarian!

You're right!

Zsa-Zsa Gabor!

No. You're half right.

Half right?

- Yeah. You picked the wrong half.
- What half?

Of course!

Eva Gabor!

Right! Eva Gabor!

Oh!

Oh, Harry, what a surprise.

Well, I have a few moments,
so I thought I'd drop in.

Oh, those are lovely.
You shouldn't have.

I didn't have.

These are for Miss Gabor.

Tragic! She is asleep.

Serves you right.

Just leave them here.
I'll give them to her.

Nothing doing.

I'll stay and give them to
her myself when she wakes.

She is awake.

Why don't you give
them to her now.

Oh... oh... Miss Gabor.

I... I am so sorry.

We didn't mean to wake you.

We thought we were whispering.

Well, that was the loudest
whisper I've ever heard.

Yeah, Harry. You never
did know how to visper.

Beautiful flowers
for a beautiful lady.

Oh, thank you.

You... you're welcome,

and I'm Lucille's
brother-in-law, Harrison Carter.

Oh, how do you do?

And thank you again
for the lovely flowers.

Oh... oh... oh... you...
you know, Miss Gabor,

I must be one of
your most devoted fan.

Yes, I always watch
Green Acres on TV

- and the classic I saw you in
Present Laughter on Broadway.
- Oh, did you.

Oh, I thought you were just
marvelous in The Happy Time.

He always wears your wigs.

Miss Gabor, I wonder if you
would do me a tremendous favor

and give me your autograph?

- Of course, darling.
- Oh, oh... that's so kind.

Thank you so much.
There's the pen.

It isn't for me, actually,
no. It's for my little niece.

Kim is your little niece?

No, another little niece.

You don't have another niece.

You don't know
everything about me.

Thank goodness.

Oh, what name?

Harry.

Harri—et. Harriet.

She is named after me.

- There you are.
- Oh, thank you so much.

I... oh! Oh!

Look at that... I'm so... my
little niece will be excited.

Oh... my... Oh, Miss
Gabor, I meant to ask you...

What did you do that for?

Time's up.

- Who says?
- I said.

She's my roommate, and I
have to look after her best interest.

Goodbye, Miss Gabor.

Goodbye.

So long, Lucy.

Hi, Lucy.

Oh, hi, Mary Jane.

Oh... oh.

I bet I know what's in that box.

My favorite chocolate
chip cookies.

That's right.

Hmm. I can taste them already.

No, you can't.

They're for Miss Gabor.

How did you know she was here?

A little bird told me.

I know just who
that little bird was.

He's got the
biggest beak in town.

When do I get to meet her?

You can't unless you
give me the cookies.

That's bribery.

That's right.

Miss Gabor, are you asleep?

Now I am not.

This will only take a minute.

This is my friend
Mary Jane Lewis.

Oh, how do you do, Miss Gabor?

How do you do?

And may I have
my cookies, please.

- I made them myself.
- Thank you.

Oh, they're heavenly.

Oh, don't look so cross.
I'll share them with you.

Give her the burned ones.

Here, honey.

Here.

Miss Gabor, I was wondering.

Could I have your autograph?

Of course, darling.

It isn't for me.

- It's for my niece.
- It's for my niece.

How did you know?

Oh, there's a lot of
that going around.

Just sign it, to MJ.

MJ.

That's my niece. Milly Joe.

Hmm.

Mary Jane, since you don't
have any brothers or sisters,

how come you have a niece?

Lucy, since you're
such a good skier,

how come you have a broken leg?

Never mind.

Here you are, dear.

Oh, thank you, Miss Gabor.

Oh, how nice.

You know, you are even
nicer in real life than you are...

I guess she wants to take a nap.

Well, I'll see you later, Lucy.

Well, it was certainly nice having
such a long visit with you, Mary Jane.

Oh, anytime, honey.

Hi, Lucy!

Hi, Vanda!

Oh, how nice to see you.

Oh, I know. Don't tell
me the candy isn't for me.

It's for Eva Gabor.

No. The candy is for you.

What's with Eva Gabor?

You mean you didn't know that
Eva Gabor was in the next bed?

Oh no!

Oh, how exciting.

Can I meet her?

Why not?

Oh, Miss Gabor, this
is my friend, Vandabad.

How do you do?

Oh, it's such a pleasure
meeting you, Miss Gabor.

What is the name of your niece?

Ah, pardon?

Your niece, the one you want
me to sign an autograph for.

Oh, her name is Brandy.

How did you know I wanted
an autograph for my niece?

There's been a niece
population expl*si*n.

Come on, Vanda, hurry up.
I have to get back to work.

Vanda, you knew Eva
Gabor was in here all the time.

You gave me this candy
just so I'll introduce her to you.

Oh, gee, Lucy. Thanks
for reminding me.

This is for you, Miss Gabor.

Thank you.

See you later, Lucy.

- Oh, was she gorgeous.
- Didn't I tell you?

Listen, Mary Jane...

This is Miss Gabor's dinner

prepared especially
for her by Chason's.

All right.

I will take it to her myself,

but her dog is
waiting in the car

and he is late for his
appointment with his psychiatrist.

Her dog goes to a psychiatrist?

Yes, he thinks he is a cat.

Well, will you see that
she got this right away?

I'll see that she gets it.

Or else the hot
entree will be cold

and the cold
champagne will be hot,

and Miss Gabor doesn't like that

and if you can avoid this good
never to irritate a Hungarian.

Thank you.

Oh, my dinner.

No. This is Miss Gabor's.

Oh, well, she is asleep.

Well, I guess I
have to wake her.

Oh, I wouldn't do
that if I were you.

She's had an awful lot of
people pestering her all afternoon.

Well, her dinner will get cold.

Well, look. Why don't
you let me eat her dinner?

And then when she wakes up,

I can call you and you
can bring her my dinner.

Well, I guess it's all right.

Thank you.

Wow.

Oh my goodness.

Look at this, beef stroganoff
with wild rice, Caesar salad.

There must be a chocolate
mousse and a split of champagne.

Wow, hospital food is
certainly getting fancy.

Wow! If that's what
they're serving,

I hope to get to the
cafeteria before it's all gone.

Oh great. Hmm.

Oh, this is good.

Hmm.

Hmm... yum, yum.

Hmm.

Did I hear the poof
of champagne?

Is it dinner time already?

Yeah. I'll call them so
they can bring your dinner.

Oh, thank you.

Yes.

Miss Gabor is ready
for her dinner now.

All right.

Oh, wait until you taste this.

You're in for real treat.

You know, I've been in the
hospital for a whole week.

I've never had food like this.

Absolutely fantastic.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Oh... oh, this is good.

Well, what did I tell you?
Doesn't that look yummy?

Well, yes, if you called creamed
tuna, custard and skimmed milk yummy?

Well, that can't be right.

Why would they give me
beef stroganoff with wild rice

and a Caesar salad
and a chocolate mousse

and a split of champagne?

Because that's the dinner
I ordered from Chason's.

I'm awfully sorry
about the dinner mix up.

Oh, just forget about it.

I want to watch television.

Well, I'll try to get some rest.

Aaaah! Mrs. Carter!

Aaaah!

Mrs. Carter!

- Oh, good heavens. Oh, good heavens.
- Mrs. Carter!

Mrs. Carter, do something!

Sorry.

Oh, I think the nurse must
have switched the controls

when she made the bed.

I think it's these two buttons.

[Speaking foreign]

What does that mean? I'm afraid.

It means that enough
is enough already.

I've had enough
to hear with you.

Oh, remember to take your pills.

Miss Gabor, if you're
still speaking to me,

would you mind
telling me something?

What's that?

Do you always wear
your jewelry to bed?

Only when I'm in the hospital.

Oh.

You see, I've already
had two robberies,

and these rings and this
necklace is the only thing I've left.

I'm actually down to
my basic diamonds.

Oh.

Well, I agree that the hospital
is the safest place for jewelries.

See, I wear zircon ring.

That's nice. That's very sweet.

May I return the complete?

My! That necklace is gorgeous.

Would you like to try it on?

- Try it?
- Yes.

Oh! May I?

Well, of course, here.

- Catch.
- Oh!

Oh, good heavens.

Oh, imagine.

Oh... oh, I don't believe it.

Oh, it's the most beautiful
thing I've ever seen.

Oh dear.

I'd better give it back

before my neck starts
to get any fancy ideas.

Here, here, now catch.

Oh, no! Oh, no!

Did it go off the window?

Yes, it went out the window!

Oh! What an awful
thing. I hate myself.

That makes two of us.

I'm Sorry.

I'll ring for the nurse and the
nurse will go down and get it.

What's the use? We
are in the fifth floor.

By now, my necklace is probably
broken in millions of pieces,

or a car run over
it, or it was stolen.

Well, don't worry.
I'll replace it.

That's a $150,000.

Oh, well, I'm going to
have to get another job.

I, I'll get paper route.

Why did you have to
throw it out the window?

You certainly no
baseball player.

Well. I'm sorry.

You don't catch
very well either.

You're something of a
Budapest butterfingers yourself.

Lucille! Lucille!

- Do I have something to tell you.
- What?

Lady luck not only smiled at me.
She smothered me with kisses.

What are you babbling about?

You've heard of
pennies from heaven?

Well, I was just hit on the head
with a diamond and ruby necklace.

- Oh, Harry! That's wonderful.
- Look at!

Oh, you bet!

I have the sweetest little
headache I'll ever have.

Oh, wait a minute, Harry.
I got to tell you something.

I can either sell this or if
there's an ad in the paper,

I can collect a huge reward.

Happy days are here again.

Oh the sky...

- Harry, Harry!
- What? What?

- Harry, happy days... happy days
are not here again.
- What?

The necklace
belongs to Miss Gabor.

What?

Yes. You cannot accept a
reward from here because

I'm the one who accidentally
threw it out the window.

Geez!

If I weren't such a nice
person, I break your other leg.

And I'll help you to do it.

Oh!

Oh... oh... oh.

Here you are, Miss Gabor.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

And I insist on
giving you a reward.

- Oh, well, that's very nice of you.
- Harry.

Oh, well, I wouldn't dream
of accepting money from you.

Oh, you are a darling, darling.

Oh! Who needs money?