05x04 - A Home Is Not an Office

[bunniefuu]

[Announcer] Here's Lucy.

Starring Lucille Ball.

Co-starring Gale Gordon

and Lucie Arnaz.

Ms. Quigley.

Hello.

In this letter you
just typed up for me,

there are two
grammatical errors,

four mistakes in punctuation,
and three words are misspelled

and one of those words
particularly grabs me.

My name is Carter, not Barter.

Okey-dokey.

Oh, would you like
for me to do it over?

Oh, no, no, no.

Of course, I want
you to do it over.

Okey-dokey.

I'll be glad to oblige.

- Ms. Quigley?
- Yes.

You are the fourth
replacement secretary I have had

since my sister-in-law,
Lucille broke her leg.

- Oh?
- Uh-huh.

The first was bad and
the second was worse.

The third was the worst.

But you are the worstest.

I don't think there's such
a word as worstest though.

There is now and
I name it after you.

Oh, thank you.

Ms. Quigley?

Hello?

Exactly, what did they teach
you in secretarial school?

Typing, shorthand, and karate.

Karate?

Attractive young ladies
have to defend themselves.

Well, just to put
your mind at ease,

my weakness is pistachio nuts.

Oh.

And it's all pistachio nuts like you
we have to look out for, believe me.

It isn't under B...

Now, where would that Lucille
put the Bradshaw account?

Get my sister-in-law
on the phone, please?

She said she didn't want to
take any more calls from you.

She said she's trying to
recuperate and it upsets her leg.

I don't want to talk to her leg.

I want to talk to the other end.

Um... but if...

Will you please get...
get her on the phone?

Okey-dokey.

But she's only going
to hang up on you.

If there's one thing I
admire in a person,

it's a retentive memory.

Oh, thank you.

Hello, Lucille.

How's my little...

She hung up on me.

Ha, ha, ha. I told you so.

Oh, you!

Well, my money is on the
little lady in the pink tights.

She's a physical fitness
nut, taking a karate break.

Yeah.

How are you, Ms. Quigley?

Okey-dokey, Ms. Barter.

That's Carter.

Okey-dokey.

Kim dear, you're just
in time to help me.

Now, you know your
mother pretty well.

Oh yes, Uncle Harry. I've
known her for a long time.

As a matter of fact,

the first time we met was in
the hospital when I was born.

Oh, please. All
right, all right, all right.

Now, look, if you
were your mother,

where would you put
the Bradshaw account?

- Oh, is that Charles Bradshaw?
- Uh-huh.

Try G.

G?

Try G.

G.

G... Bradshaw under G.

Incredible.

Just incredible.

How did you know?

Well, mother has mentioned
Mr. Bradshaw several times

and she said he looks
just like Cary Grant.

G for Grant. Where
else would she put it?

Oh, Kim dear,

I can't wait for your mother to
come back to work on Monday.

- Did I say that?
- Yes, you did.

Oh boy, I'm getting
as squirrelly as Quigley.

Uncle Harry, I want
you to brace yourself,

- but mother is not
coming back Monday.
- What?

Well, I talked with
the doctor this morning

and he said he'd like her to
stay home for two more weeks.

Two more weeks?

Impossible, she
can't do this to me!

Well, you know, I'd
be happy to stay on.

That's what I mean!

She can't do this to me!

Are you getting that, Kim?

Yes, mother.

Canary Club, reporting for duty.

Come on in.

Hey, you're right on time.
Mom is out in the patio.

Oh, here.

Come on. Let's line up here.

Uh, who is it, dear?

You have someone
here to see you, Mom.

Oh, OK. I'll be right in.

[singing] Hello, Lucy

Well, hello, Lucy

It's so nice to have you
back at home once more

You broke your leg,
Lucy, and we beg, Lucy

While his knitting just keeps
sitting go to sleep and snore

So hear a room ringing
with your friends singing

One of your old favorite
songs of way back when

So, please, get well, Lucy

'Cause we think
you're swell, Lucy

Don't dare ever break your leg
Don't dare ever break your leg

I promise not to break my leg.

Don't you ever
break your leg again

Oh, thank a lot, g*ng.

Gee, it was a
little high for me.

You know, I never had a
song written for me before.

And it's quite an honor.
Sounding a lot like Hello Dolly.

Yeah, a little bit.

Lucy, how do you feel?

Oh, just great. It sure
beats working for Harry.

Oh, Vanda the presentation?

- The what?
- The presentation.

From the girls in the Canary
Club to our gallant leader.

For you.

Thank you. You
shouldn't have done it.

Oh, look at this.

A skier with a leg and a cast.

Oh, that's darling.

And what does it say?

It says, "To Lucy Carter, winner
of skiing's Humpty Dumpty award."

Beautiful, but you shouldn't have
gone through all that expense.

Oh, it didn't cost very much.

We just assessed
all the members.

Your share is $2 and 50 cents.

Say, listen Lucy, now that
you're at home recuperating,

why can't we have our practice
sessions here during the day?

- Sure, why not?
- Wouldn't that be...?

How about tomorrow
afternoon? 2 o'clock, OK?

- Good.
- Fine.

Now, we got to leave now, girls.

We don't want to
bother Lucy anymore.

No, no. Don't go.

Stay and have some tea.

Oh, we have that great
big fat chocolate cake.

Oh, goodie, goodie.
Don't go to any trouble.

Oh, no trouble at all.

No, none at all. I'll get it.

Honey, are you sure
this isn't an imposition?

None at all.

Well, just make
another assessment.

It would only cost
you 50 cents apiece.

- Sit down.
- Oh, OK.

I love this...

Come in.

Oh, come in, Harry.

Hello, Lucille?

Harry, I'm sorry I hung
up on you this morning,

but if you realize how
many times you have called...

Lucille, you had a
perfect right to hang up.

I was invading your privacy.

But it's only
because I missed you

and I need you so
very much at the office.

Did that come out of you?

Lucille, absence has shown me

what a valuable and
efficient secretary you are.

You mean, I'm no
longer your candidate for

Ms. Boo-boo of 1970 tootoo?

No, I didn't mean a word of it.

That's just part of my
delightful sense of humor.

Oh.

Lucille, while I'm here, would
you mind if I dictated a letter?

Oh, now, Harry.

Well, now, it's very important.

Well, I don't even have
a shorthand book here.

I just happen to have one on me.

Well, you sure came prepared.

Or course, I'll also
need a typewriter,

you don't happen to have one of
those in your pocket, I suppose?

No, no, no, but I think I
know where I can get one.

Right in here, please.

Over there. Alright.

That's fine.

You think of everything, Harry.

Boy, do I think of everything?

What was that for?
Paper and stamps.

You'll see, you'll see.

Uh-huh. Oh, yeah, the water
cooler. Right over here, please.

Harry, what's that for?

That will be just
great. Not to worry.

Harry, what are you doing?

Oh, here's your desk,
Lucy, put it there, please.

I don't want my desk.

- You have to move
this table out of here.
- Harry!

Harry, what's going on here?

Right there, right
there. That will be fine.

Harry! What is happening?

That's delightful. That's fine.

Oh, I'll take
that. I'll take that.

Harry, what do you
think you're doing?

It's very simple, Lucille.

You couldn't come to the office.
So, I brought the office to you.

Now look, Harry. This
is without a doubt...

- Excuse me, excuse me.
- You are not...

Carter's Unique
Employment Agency,

Harrison Carter speaking.

Lucille, I don't want to be
late for my appointment.

So, please, hurry it up.

Harry, this is a wheelchair,
not a motorcycle.

You get your batteries charged.

Oh, get your own
batteries charged.

Here.

Thank you.

Honestly, Harry, you
know, this is ridiculous.

Absolutely, ridiculous.

You barging in here
and setting up shop.

I want this office out
of here and right now.

How can you be
so unappreciative?

I did this all for you.

Oh, sure.

What other secretary earns
money while she's convalescing?

Convalescing?

Two weeks with you in the house,
this is like a rest cure on devil's island.

Now, Lucille, while I'm gone,
you catch up on your filing.

Catch up on your filing.

A fine way to treat an invalid.

Hi, mom.

Oh, hi, baby.

Well... be it ever so humble
There's no place like an office.

Oh, come on, Mom.

You got to do
something about all this.

Yeah.

Is there any way of
burning his furniture

without setting fire
to the whole house?

Hey, maybe, you could sneak it
out and give it to the Salvation Army.

Harry has got spies there.

That's where he
gets his clothes.

It's really no joke.

I have no life of my
own living like this.

I know.

And you can't even
have any company.

What are you going to
do when that Canary Club

comes over this
afternoon for rehearsal?

I forgot all about them.

Well, I better call Mary
Jane to tell them not to come.

Yeah.

- Oh, honestly...
- It's too bad.

- Hey!
- Hmm?

Maybe, that's the way
to get Harry out of here.

How?

Well, now, it's a choral club
and we do have to rehearse

and it's not my fault we have
to rehearse during office hours.

Oh, when will I tell the
girls what we're going to do?

Yeah, maybe those canaries
can finally do some good

with those voices.

Now, I know it will work.

If you do what I tell
you, that will do it.

But, Lucy, I just
can't believe it.

Why would our boss move his
office into a secretary's home?

Because he couldn't
get along without me.

Well, you ask a stupid
question, you get a stupid answer.

All right, Mary Jane.

Now, when Harry comes in,

just make believe it's
like any other rehearsal

- and take your cues from me, OK?
- All right.

All right, now, he's
due here any minute.

So, line up.

Get in our places
and let's tune up.

[Singing] Pong Pong Pong

Pong

That's close enough.

Oh, there's Harry.

All right, now, let's go
with Camptown Races.

Tune up.

[Singing] Pong Pong Pong Pong

The Camptown
ladies sing this song

Doo-da, Doo-da

The Camptown
racetrack's five miles long

Oh, de doo-da day

I went down there
with my hat caved in

Doo-da, Doo-da

Go back home with
a pocket full of tin

Oh, de doo-da day

Goin' to run all night

Goin to run all day

I bet my money
on a bob-tailed nag

Somebody bet on the gray, hey

Now, a little ragged, g*ng.

Sing it from the top again.

Uh-hmm-hmm.

Oh, hi, Harry.

You know, the ladies
of the Canary Club.

Hi, Harry.

How do you do?

Now, from the top. Let's go.

Camptown ladies sing this song

Doo-da, Doo-da

Camptown race
track's five miles long

Oh, de doo-da day

Uh-oh, cut, cut.
Better but not quite.

Lucille, if you don't mind...

Now, let's pick it right
up, right from there.

I came back home
with my hat caved in

Doo-da, Doo-da

Go back home with
a pocket full of tin

Oh, de doo-da day

Goin' to run all night

Goin' to run all day

You are not going
to run all day!

You are going to
stop this instant.

Something wrong, Harry?

Ladies, this happens to
be a place of business.

So I suggest that you,
Canaries, take wing and fly away.

Harry, this happens
to be my home.

Not 'til you punch
out at 5 o'clock.

Wrong, Harry. It's my home.

We were practicing for
a very important recital.

Now, we're going to be singing
here mornings and afternoons

- for hours and hours, right girls?
- Right.

All right. From the
top again please.

Camptown ladies sing this song

Doo-da, Doo-da

Camptown race
track's five miles long

Oh, de doo-da day

Now, hear this!

You are high-tailing it out of here
and taking your doo-da's with you!

Just relax, Harry.
They're not leaving.

We'll see about that...

All right. From the top again.

Camptown ladies sing this song

Doo-da, Doo-da

Camptown race
track's five miles long

Oh, de doo-da day

I came back home
with my hat caved in

Doo-da, Doo-da...

Don't go, girls! Don't go!

Don't go! Don't go!
Don't be afraid of him!

Come back! Come back!

You big bully!

If I were in a fighting shape,

you'd be the one who
would be tossed out.

Boulderdash!

Now, shall we get back to work.

Well, anyway, thank
all the girls, Mary Jane.

It was a good try.

Oh, yes, Kim and I have another
plan to get Harry out, you bet.

Yeah, well, I got to run
now. He'll be here any minute.

All right, dear, I'll let you
know if I get my house back.

Good-bye.

Okay, mom, everything's all set.

Is your friend Tommy here?

Yeah, he's in the kitchen

and Mr. Manson, all his helpers,
Sam from the coffee shop,

they're waiting around the
corner. Everything's ready.

Oh, wonderful, wasn't
it nice of them to help?

Good morning, Harry.

Well, good morning, Lucille.

Good morning, Uncle Harry.

Hello, Kim. Goodbye Kim.

What was that?

Office hours, go home.

You can't make me leave
my own mother's house?

Get out!

I'm leaving my
own mother's house.

Now, Lucille, I want to
dictate a letter, please.

Oh, all right, Harry.

- All right in here?
- Yeah.

Now, this goes to Mr. Frank S.
Leech Fayetteville Arkansas...

- Come in.
- Dear Mr...

Good morning, Mrs. Carter.

Oh, good morning, Mr. Manson.

Come right in. Don't mind us.

Go right ahead.

You... what... what...
what... what's all this?

They are painters.

Well, I didn't think they were
interns from medical center.

Well, now, don't
get upset, Harry.

They should be
finished in a week or two.

- Now, just a darn minute...
- Right this way, Tommy.

Just put everything
right over here.

Right on, baby.

And what is this little caper?

Well, I've been wanting to
put some shelves up over there

for a long time.

Uh-huh. This is
my friend, Tommy.

He's very good at woodwork.

He should be.

He looks as if he
just crawled out of it.

Plug us in, baby.

Lucille!

Our Chinese friends refer
to this as the Year of the Rat.

And I smell one.

Harry, I had been wanting to
do some redecorating for months

and this is the only time I could
get the painters and Tommy here...

- Carpet cleaner...
- And the carpet cleaner.

After all, this is my home and
certain things have to be done.

Now, Lucille, your little
scheme is not going to work.

I don't know what you're
talking about, Harry.

Now, if you think you're
going to outsmart me...

I don't have...

You are very much mistaken

because I am not going to put
up with all of nonsense going on...

Harry...

All of you out.

And you stop with that
thing because I have to...

Will you knock that off
you miserable little termite.

Everybody stop! Get out of here!

I told you I will not...

Hold it, hold it.

Hold it, everybody.

Yes, sir, what can
we do for you, sir?

Well, I'm an Officer Harlow
from Police Headquarters.

We've had a complaint.

Mr. Harrison Carter has
been running a business here?

This is a residential area.

That's a violation of
the zoning statutes.

Oh?

Yes, ma'am.

Oh, very amusing.

Oh, Lucille, this is quite a
cast of characters you have

in your little see-through plot.

- Well, now, Harry, listen...
- I will take care of this.

Excuse me, are
you Harrison Carter?

Hello, my boy.

I'm going to show you
what we do to jokers like you.

All right. Out, out. Come on.

Get out. Out.

Out.

Come on.

That will show you
what we do to jokers who

rough up the Police Department.

I think... you mean
you really are...?

Yeah, yeah. Looks
like he really are.

All right, Carter.

I'm going to take you down
to Police Headquarters.

We're going to straighten
this thing out. Come on.

Oh, I... Officer, I
can explain though.

Lucille... will you
do something?

Do something!

Oh, I plan to, Harry.

I'm going to turn this
office back into a home.

What I'm telling you... Lucille!

Oh mother!

Why didn't you tell me
about calling a police?

He was quite a surprise.

That's why I didn't tell you.

He was a surprise to me, too.

Oh, poor Uncle Harry!