05x07 - Lucy, the Other Woman

[bunniefuu]

[Announcer] Here's Lucy

Starring: Lucille Ball.

Co-starring: Gale Gordon

and Lucie Arnaz.

Thank you, dear. Thank you.

Oh.

Oh, you just make yourself
comfortable now, Harry.

I'll get dinner.

Yeah, Uncle Harry.
Let me get those.

Yeah. Thank you.

Thank you, dear. Thank you.

- Lucille, will you explain
something to me?
- What?

How come when I'm
invited here to dinner,

I wind up paying
$11.42 for grocery?

Now, I thought it was
real sweet of you to offer.

Offer?

You shove a shopping cart at me,
rushed me into the checkout line.

I don't see you again
until the parking lot,

and you call that an offer?

I just thought you'd be embarrassed
standing there while I pay.

Try me sometime.

That's my favorite
kind of embarrassment.

Is there something for me, Ma?

No. Nothing, dear.

Then read a bill.

Yeah.

Whatever happened
to the good old days

when we got bills only
on the first of the month.

Oh no, they've improved that,

instead of once a month, they'd
like you to feel broke every day.

Yeah.

Another way to feel broke is
to be invited here for dinner.

Uncle Harry.

- Hey!
- What?

Will you listen to this?

"You keep away from my
husband, you home-wrecking hussy

or you'll be sorry, and it's
signed, You know who!"

Well, Mother!

The daughter is
always the last to know.

"Home-wrecking hussy."

Boy, she got the
wrong Lucille Carter.

Is there a right one?

You know, I can't quite see
our Lucille breaking up a home.

An office, yes.

All right, Harry.

"Keep away from my husband
you home-wrecking hussy

or you'll be sorry.
You know who."

It's the silliest
letter I ever got.

Well, I don't know about that.

What do you mean?

Are you sure this is an
Elizabeth Taylor's handwriting?

All right, I confess.

You can come out of
the closet now, Richard.

Some crack pot.

Yeah.

Hello?

Yeah.

Hold it! Who is this?

What husband?

Now, look you got the... Hello?

Hello?

She hung up.

She didn't give you her name?

No.

You Know Who strikes again.

[Radio] Now for the local news.

The robbery suspect was pursued
by the California Highway Patrol

and finally was forced
off the San Diego freeway

at the Crenshaw off-ramp

where he surrendered
without a fight.

Meanwhile, here in the
San Fernando Valley,

we have a little
marital triangle.

Mrs. Mercedes Smith
of Sherman Oaks

was booked at Van
Nuys police headquarters

for allegedly sh**ting and
wounding Ms. Vivian Boone

whom she accuses of
breaking up her home.

The victim recovering at
General Hospital claims innocence

asserting that she and
Mr. Smith were only good friends.

You sure know how
to cheer up a guy.

Milkman.

Come in, Mr. Butkus.

Good morning!

Good morning, Mrs. Carter.

How was the leg feeling?

Fine. Thank you.

I always meant to ask you.

How did you come to break it?

I didn't come to break
it. I come to go skiing.

How do you do it, Mrs. Carter?

How do I do what?

Manage to look prettier in the
morning than any lady on my route.

Probably because I get up
earlier and I work at it longer.

You can't kid me.

You are a natural
beauty if I ever seen one.

Well, lucky for me
you've never seen one.

I'm leaving you a little
something extra this morning.

Oh!

Banana fudge yoghurt.

Banana fudge yoghurt.

On the house?

You're spoiling me.

It's my pleasure.

Mrs. Carter, may I
tell you something?

sh**t.

You don't know what
you've done to my Poopsie.

Your Poopsie?

What's a Poopsie?

Poopsie is my wife.

Oh!

And she's insanely
jealous of you.

Your wife is insanely
jealous of me?

Every time I mention your name,

she starts climbing
the nearest wall.

Hey, wait a minute.

Is she the one who
sent me this crazy letter?

Gee. I didn't think
she would go that far.

That's Poopsie, all right.

Once we sent away 10 bottle caps
to have her hand writing analyzed.

You see how the words slant?

Well, that shows passion
and her fiery temper.

- Well, that is very fascinating...
- Well, I got to be going.

Hey! Wait a minute, wait minute.

- I'm sorry I have a
lot— - Wait, Mr. Butkus,

come right back here.

Now, will you please tell me
how come I wound up on a triangle

with my milkman and his wife?

Well, you see, Mrs. Carter,

I happened to think you
are a special kind of person.

Not only are you beautiful
but you're nice and friendly

and charming and a real lady.

Well, it is too early in
the morning to argue.

It seems I'm always
talking about you to Poopsie

and she must have built up
something naughty in her mind.

She must think there's
really something between us.

Now, look Mr. Butkus,

I want you to have a
long talk with Poopy.

That's Poopsie.

All right, Poopsie.

I want you to have a long
talk with Poopsie... tonight

and convince her that
there is nothing between us

except milk and cheese and
maybe banana fudge yoghurt,

and don't tell her it
was on the house.

- Yes, ma'am.
- All right.

Poopsie.

Sheez.

Milkman.

Come in, Mr. Butkus.

I've been waiting for you.

Well?

Not good, Mrs. Carter, not good.

What do you mean?

I couldn't convince her.

Poopsie said she just spot
a hanky-panky in my eyes.

Oh for heaven's sake.

Then I guess I didn't help any.

She told me I talked about
you in my sleep last night.

Well you've got a nerve
talking about me in your sleep!

I couldn't help
it. I was asleep.

Well, in the future, stay
awake and keep quiet.

Yes, Ma'am.

This is the damnedest
thing I ever heard of.

Yes, Ma'am,

but for your own safety I
think you better leave town.

Leave town?

You don't know my Poopsie.

When she's jealous,
she goes wild.

She's got a haymaker
that can pulverize you.

I can't believe
this is happening.

I cannot believe this
is happening to me.

- I don't like to see you get upset.
- What can I do?

What can I do to deserve this?

Please, Mrs. Carter,
please try to be calm.

You tell your wife to be calm.

You tell her not be upset.

Yes, Ma'am. I'll
talk to her again.

Yes, and this time make
sure you are awake.

Yes, Ma'am.

I never fought in my life.

I never heard of
anything so ridiculous...

Let me pour a little coffee.

Me getting a letter like that.

- I'm sure that it's going to be all right.
- You're sure?

- Don't worry your pretty head.
- That's absolutely ridiculous.

Aha!

I saw you!

You followed me?

Sure. I saw you with your
grubby paws around that woman.

I caught you
red-handed, didn't I?

Let me at that home-wrecker!

Now, wait a minute.

Wait a minute. You
got me all wrong.

You got me all wrong.

I'm innocent, I'm innocent.

Poopsie, don't slug her.

She is wounded. She
broke her leg skiing.

Good!

I am going to
break her other leg.

Get out of the way.

I'm going to get you.
I'm going to get you.

- I haven't done anything.
- Oh, really?

I'm innocent

You husband stealer.

- I'm not a husband stealer!
- I've given him the best years of my life!

Do something.

I'm gonna get him.

What a time to run out of gas!

Please, Poopsie, let's
be reasonable about this.

We are three civilized
normal people.

Wait a minute. I
demand a recount.

Now, Mrs. Butkus,

you have some nerve barging
in here making false accusations.

Now, you get a hold of yourself
and let's talk this over sensibly.

I don't talk to home-wreckers!

So, this is the other woman.

So this is the Jezebel.

What do you see in her?

Underweight, overheight,
skinny, scrawny

and get a load of
that freaked out wig.

This happens to be my own hair.

You're on bigger
trouble than I thought.

You poor of a philandering fool.

How could you be so blind?

I got everything that she's got.

Yeah and doubled.

You skinny broads
are so jealous.

Mrs. Butkus, now this
is going far enough.

Anything you think is going on
between your husband and me

is strictly in your imagination.

- My imagination, huh!
- Yes!

Like I imagined he was serving you
breakfast with his arm around you?

- That was not... you... you— - Oh, I'm
sure there's more evidence right in here.

What do you mean evidence?

Aha!

I knew he was buying
you with you lavish gifts.

Look at this! Look at this!

Imported Rugford.

Oh, gee, banana fudge yoghurt!

Pineapple guava punch... Oh!

You never give me
goodies like that.

Well, you sure have been
getting them somewhere.

What I have done
to deserve this?

What have our five kids
done to deserve this?

And poor papa and mama,
how will I ever explain it to them?

After all the money they spent
sending me to charm school.

Oh, poor mama!

I know what mama's going to say.

She'll say, "I told you so!"

Oh, mama is the one who said
it, "Never marry a sex symbol."

Nothing but trouble.

Oh, what I should have done
was be by his side at all times.

I should have been in
that milk truck with them.

Helping him make deliveries

and helping him fight off
hotsy-topsy housewives like you.

Like mama always said, "When
the world seems against you

and everything
seems dark and dreary,

don't fight it

because the world
is against you."

When I think of all the other
man I could have married...

Now, stop that!

Stop it this instant!

You make so mad!

Oh, I love you when you're mad.

Oh, you're so masculine.

I just turn to Jell-O.

Just simmer down.

Oh, you're such an animal.
Look at him in that uniform.

Look at that
built, that profile,

pure sex, pure sex.

Well, he maybe a superman to
you but he is just a milkman to me.

Who are you kidding?

I could feel it when
I first came in here.

There is electricity
between you two.

The sparks were flying.

Oh, mama was right.

I could see it all now.

There is only one
thing for me to do.

I'm stepping aside hot lips.

Take him!

He's all yours.

Mother, I don't know
why you keep trying.

She's only going to
hang up on you again.

Now, look I have to keep trying.

Cuckoo as it may seem I'm
responsible for breaking up a home.

This all sound like a bad opera.

Yeah! Madam Buttermilk.

Look, don't hang up
this time, Mrs. Butkus.

I'm only trying
to tell you that...

- She hung up.
- She hung up.

What am I going to do?
What am I going to do?

Mother, it's ridiculous!

You don't really think she's
going to give him up, do you?

Who knows?

It's not such a big
sacrifice, you know,

giving up a Butkus isn't exactly
like giving up Paul Newman.

You mean she just turned him
over to you and then stormed out?

Yep!

She hopped on a
motorcycle and barreled off.

Poopsie rides a motorcycle?

Yeah and that was
a quite a picture.

Once she settled on that seat,

you couldn't see the
motorcycle anymore.

Well, now, let's try to
look on the bright side.

Butkus gets his freedom
and claims you as his bride,

and you know what that means?

Free dairy products
till death do you part.

Not funny, Harry.

There are five little
children involved.

So, you could always put
bunked beds in the guest room.

Well, it's nice to know I have
friends to turn to in my hour of need.

Get that, will you, dear.

Yep.

Mr. Butkus!

The Curdled Casanova.

What happened?

Poopsie threw me
out of the house.

Is it all right if I stay here?

No, it's not all right
if you stay here.

This is not a home
for rejected husbands.

But she didn't give me any
money. I got to sleep somewhere.

Now, well, sleep in the dairy.

That's no place to sleep.

If cows can do it, you can.

Oh, Mrs. Carter, I so
much love my little Poopsie.

I want my Poopsie back.
I want my Poopsie back.

Oh, now, now, Mr. Butkus.

Get a hold of yourself.

Kim, Kim, take
him into the kitchen.

Give him some hot tea.

I'm off duty now, I can
have a little bourbon.

You'll give hot tea.

Come on now, Mr. Bacchus,
it will make you feel good.

I don't feel like feeling good.

Boy, I haven't seen anything
like this since Peyton Place.

Yeah, but Peyton
Place, you could turn off.

How do you turn off a Butkus?

Boy! This is a nutty situation,

and it calls for
a nutty solution.

Well, that's certainly
your category.

Now, that Poopsie is a real character,
but I'm sure she still loves him.

You know, Harry,

I'll bet if she thought her husband
was in some kind of trouble...

Listen, I think I've got an
idea but I need your help.

Only in the
interest of true love.

I firmly believe that no man
should be without his Poopsie.

Who is it?

One minute... I'm coming.

Who is it?

- Who is it?
- Mrs. Butkus, I just got to
talk to you, Mrs. Butkus.

Watch it! Watch it!

I can't breathe.

Good! Let's keep it that way.

I don't want to talk
to you on the phone,

and I don't want
to talk to you now.

You... you love pirate,
now get out of here!

OK! OK, but let me
take my head with me.

Oh, I'm sick of that woman.

No! Be strong!

Be strong!

Uh... be weak.

You again?

What do you mean
breaking in to my house?

No, no! Look, I just go
to tell you something.

Oh, first a home-wrecker,
then a house-breaker.

I'm going to pounce
you out of here, so hard.

Hold it! Hold it!

Now, don't be alarm but something
has happened to your husband.

Happen? What happened?

We're not sure. He is
under a doctor's care.

Doctor? Oh my god!

Now, we're bringing him in

but please don't do
anything to upset him.

Oh my! What happened to him?

Mrs. Butkus, please
compose yourself.

All right but give
me a little time.

I mean there is more of me
to compose than most people.

Doctor, bring the patient in.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, easy, easy.

Oh Lester!

Lester, what happened?

Are you all right?

Please! Please! No hysterical.

No breathing on the patient,
he's in a very delicate condition.

Oh, come out of it!

Come out of it!

Lester, it's me, your baby doll.

What's the matter with him?

Now, look. We found him
wandering the streets in a daze.

We took him to the
emergency hospital

and fortunately, the famous,
Dr. Glockenspiel here was on duty.

Oh yeah.

Now! Frau Poopsie,

I am going to give to you free and
for nothing my professional opinion.

Let me take a look.

Aha! Huh-h*.

Oh-h*-h*.

Oh, whatever is your
diet, it ain't working.

Oh, never mind me!

What's wrong with my Lester?

Ah, him.

He has what we call as a severe
case of Upkay with the Downkavision.

- Yeah. There is a lot
of that going around.
- Yeah.

Oh, you don't say. Oh,
speak to me, Lester.

Speak to me.

You know, Mrs. Butkus,
the doctor is very worried.

This could develop into a severe
attack of Advance Cupidosis.

- No.
- Yeah.

What it all means is
he has a broken heart.

A broken heart?

Yeah, really, Mrs. Butkus,

there's never been anything
between your husband and me.

He is always been
madly in love with you.

Oh, my little gum drop,
what have I done to you?

Oh come out of
it, come out of it.

Easy there.

We don't want to
give him a whiplash.

Can't you do anything
for him, Dr. Xylophone?

That's Glockenspiel.

Gustav Glockenspiel?

Well, I tell you
what, once in Vienna

I made a miraculous
cure in just such a case.

Yeah. We will try
it again, doctor.

You've got to bring this
poor souls back together.

Uh... uh-huh, yeah!

Tell me, do you and him
have what you call your zong?

Our zong?

Your song. Your song.

Oh, our song.

That's what I said your zong.

Oh, sure. Sure.

Well, please come over here... over
here a little bit we get opposite here.

Right there, don't move
please. You hold I'm right there.

Now, just a minute,
please. Here we go.

Now, he gets over here
with the fellow here now.

Now, zing your zong.

[Singing] You're nobody
till somebody loves you,

and you're nobody
until somebody cares.

Why you may be a king.

You may possess the
world and all its gold.

Gold won't bring you happiness
when you're growing old.

Because the world, Lester,
the world is just the same.

You can never, never change it

just as long as
the stars up above.

Lester, baby, you're nobody
until somebody loves you.

Go find yourself somebody,
find yourself somebody.

I got myself somebody to love.