05x10 - Dirty Gertie

[bunniefuu]

[Announcer] Here's Lucy.

Starring Lucille Ball.

Co-starring Lucie Arnaz.

Mom! Mom!

Mom!

Oh, there you are.

Yeah.

What are you doing
in the fireplace?

I'm cleaning.

What do you think I was doing?
Waiting to mug Santa Claus?

Boy, you've sure been
knocking yourself out around here.

The way you work, I get
worn out just watching you.

Well, so don't watch.
Why don’t you help?

Well, you know that the doctor
said the less you babied yourself,

the quicker your leg would heal.

What's it got to do with it?

Well, I wouldn't want to
interfere with your therapy.

Oh, boy.

You want me to get it?

If you can drive yourself
to the door, yes, thank you.

Geez!

Yes?

Hi. I got a delivery for Carter.

Well, that's us.
Thank you very much.

Can I help you with it?

No, thank you. I can manage.

OK.

Oh, for strangers,
she can manage.

Good heavens! Who
sent all those apples?

Well, let's see.

The envelope says, "Hope
you get well real soon."

And what does the card say?

"An apple a day
keeps the doctor away."

Oh, sweet. Who are they from?

Your doctor.

I wish he'd stop
implying that I'm a pest.

You know, every time I go to
his office, the nurse says he's out

and if I got there
one more time,

I'm going to track
him down at his home.

Mom, you're the only patient I
know who makes house calls.

Oh, never mind.

Good heaven! The
whole bushel of apples.

How do we got... listen,
get that little basket

that's out there on
the counter, will you?

What for?

Well, we can't use all of these.

I think I'll take a little bunch
and move it to my hairdressers.

Would you like me to
drop them off for you later?

No, no.

Just around the corner

and... they're working
around that suit all morning,

I could use some fresh air.

OK.

- I'll see you later, baby.
- All right.

Mom, you're not going to
go out like that, are you?

Oh, nobody will recognize me

and my hairdresser
doesn't care how I look.

She knows me all the
way down to my roots.

Mother!

- Oh, all right.
- Honestly.

OK?

Yeah, but you better watch
out for the big bad wolf.

Hey, boss!

Hey, boss!

We'll be just in
time for the first race.

- Yeah and there's
my good luck charm.
- Where?

Dirty Gertie.

Hey Rock!

How come you always
give that C-note for an apple.

Well, it's a superstition.

It's like I seen it
in a picture once.

This high rollin' gambler.

I always give this Apple Any
dame, a $100 bill for an apple.

And it brings him
such good luck.

I mean, he's got
nothing but winners.

Yea!

Hi-ya there, nice to see you.

Apples!

Apples!

Apples!

Apples, mister!

Who wants apples?

Boy, have I got lots of apples.

Here we are...
Well, I'm so excited.

I'm just crazy about
everything we got.

Yeah, me, too.

- I love my culottes and
I sure needed those pantyhose.
- Yeah.

But, mom, was it
kind of extravagant

spending the whole hundred
dollars just on clothes?

I don't care.

I needed something
to help my morale

especially after that man
mistook me for a peddler.

Didn't you try and tell him
that you weren't a peddler?

I was too dumbstruck
to say anything

and by the time I
noticed it was a $100 bill,

he was halfway down the street.

Well, didn't you yell after him?

It's not ladylike to yell.

Well, it certainly
pays to have class.

I'll get it.

Yes?

Lieutenant Egan, LAPD.

LAPD?

I'm a cop.

Are you Mrs. Carter?

Yes, sir.

Did you just buy some
things at the Paris Boutique?

Yes, sir.

Did you pay for those
things with a $100 bill?

Oh, I knew it was
too good to be true.

Don't tell me that
bill was counterfeit.

No ma'am, but the
serial number on that bill

ties in to a recent
payroll robbery.

A payroll robbery?

Do you have any more
of those bills, Mrs. Carter?

Of course not.

I'm just trying to
get the facts, ma'am.

Now, do you have
any more of those bills?

I'm sure we don't have it.

If I had any more, I had bought
the coat that goes with this dress.

And sir, for your
information, I...

Before you volunteer
any information,

it is my duty to advice
you of your rights.

You have the right
to remain silent.

- Anything you say...
- Yeah, well, you could stop right there.

I'm not one to remain silent.

Perhaps, you'd like to tell me
where you got that $100 bill?

Certainly.

I was on my way to the beauty
parlor and some man gave it to me.

What man?

I don't know.

The man you don't even know just
walked up and gave you a $100 bill?

Yes, sir.

Are you sure you don't
want to hear him read

the rest of those rights?

Of course not. I haven't
done anything wrong.

And suppose you tell
me more about this man

who just walked up and gave
you a $100 bill for nothing?

Oh, it wasn't for nothing.
He took one of my apples.

He gave you 100
dollars for an apple?

You don't believe me?

Yeah, well, I didn't
believe it either.

But it's true, you can ask her.

How deeply are you
involved in this young lady?

Just culottes and pantyhose.

What do you mean involve?

I'm just trying to
get the facts, ma'am.

Here are the culottes.

You want to see my pantyhose?

I'm sorry, ma'am. I'm on duty.

Are you related to the suspect?

She's my daughter.

Your own daughter?

Well, I didn't get
her at Abbey Rents.

You know, I don't like the
idea of her being involved.

I don't like it either, ma'am.

I have one at
home, about her age.

- A daughter?
- A wife.

Now, suppose you tell me the
whole story about this $100 bill?

Yes, sir.

And just give me
the facts, ma'am.

Yes, sir.

Well, this morning, a delivery man
brought a whole bushel of apples.

Bushel of apples.

Yeah, we had so many that I
decided to put some in the basket

and take them around the
corner to my hairdressers.

Your hairdresser?

Well, I... I threw this
thing around my head, see,

so the people wouldn't
see what a mess I was

and on my way to the
hairdresser, this man stopped me

in front of the
Pink Rooster Café.

- Pink Rooster Café.
- Yes, sir.

That's Rocky's Joint.

- Rocky?
- Big time racketeer.

Oh...

- Was this man about my size?
- Yes, sir.

- Flashy dresser?
- Yes, sir.

- Big cigar.
- Yes, sir.

- I have a hunch Rocky
is involved with this.
- Oh?

I sure wish I knew
what the score was.



Quiet. We're just
trying to get the facts.

I've been working undercover
as a waiter in Rocky's Joint

and I think I've got the answer.

That man was Rocky and with
that thing covering your head,

the cast on your leg, he
mistook you for Dirty Gertie.

Dirty Gertie?

A drunken old sot that
sells apples outside his café.

I looked like a drunken old sot?

I'm just giving you
the facts, ma'am.

Rocky has always been
overly generous with Gertie and,

well, he thinks that
she brings him luck.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

If Rocky mistook you
for Dirty Gertie today,

it could happen again.

Mrs. Carter?

Yes, sir.

Are you willing to get involved?

Do you want to help in our
society, in our fight against crime?

- Do you mean I could help
solve the payroll robbery?
- Possibly.

Oh, well, of course,
I'll get involved.

What do you want me to do?

Well, police business.

Police business is
extremely confidential.

Right.

- You're willing to cooperate?
- Right.

- Come along with me.
- Right.

Hey, wait a minute, mom! I
want to know what's going on.

Sorry, ma'am, this
is police business.

Mom!

You can trust me.
You're my mother.

I'm a cop.

[V/O] That evening, Mrs. Carter
bravely assumed her undercover role

in front of Rocky's Café.

We had planted a
bug on Mrs. Carter,

a tiny microphone hidden
in one of her apples.

We even furnished Mrs. Carter
with a gin bottle filled with water

so that she could emulate
Dirty Gertie's drinking habits.

Apples! Apples!

Help for a poor old lady!

Apples!

I'll take one of those, lady.

Oh, bless you, bless you.

It's not often when a fine
gentleman calls me lady.

Do you want me
to shine it for you?

- Yes, please.
- OK.

There you are.

Thanks.

Bless you, bless you, bless you.

Hi-ya, Gertie!

Hi-ya, Rocky!

- Gertie...
- Huh?

When I bought that apple
from you this afternoon,

it sure brought
me a lot of luck.

Well, nice going, Rocky.

I made a big
k*lling at the track.

That calls for a drink.
That calls for a drink.

Hmm-hmm... aha...

- Gertie...
- What?

You drink that cheap
booze like water.

Oh... because it's so smooth.

How are you feeling, Gertie?

Fine, fine.

Oh, that's great. I
was worried about you.

Why?

This afternoon, you
didn't look so good.

This afternoon I
didn't look so good?

- Here, Benny...
- Yeah, boss?

You'll be a gentleman and
carry Gertie's things inside for her.

- Inside?
- Yeah.

I want you to come
inside the office.

I'm expecting the boys
over for a big poker game

and I'd like you there
for luck, remember?

Oh, sure, sure.

Yeah, yeah. I'll come inside?

- I'll go right with you.
- That's good.

- OK.
- That's it.

- Yeah.
- Hey, Benny!

Hey, Max! How are you?

Oh, boy, am I glad I caught you.

Benny, could you owe me five bucks
until my old lady gets a paycheck?

Every time I see you, Max,

it's five bucks until your
old lady gets a paycheck.

Well, I was going to ask for 10,

but the president
froze her salary.

All right, Max,
here's five bucks.

Sure, you're a real
pal. Thanks a lot.

You dummy!

Now, I got to get Gertie
another bottle of gin.

That's too bad.

Yeah. Too bad for you.

Step right in, Gertie.

Thank you, Rocky.

You smell nice tonight, Gertie.

Oh, thank you.

What happened you
get caught in the rain?

No, one of those anti-pollution
nuts chased me through a car wash.

- Hey, Gertie!
- Yeah.

Here's your apples
and your bottle of gin.

Thank you, Benny.

Here's your stool, Gertie.

Oh, thank you. Well,
that's my favorite stool.

- Hey, Benny.
- Yeah, boss?

What time you tell the
guys our poker game was?


be here any minute.

Tell the waiter to bring a
couple of bottles of booze.

Sure boss.

Testing, one, two,
three, four. Over and out.

- Well, Gertie!
- Yeah, Rocky.

What do you think?

Think?

I had some new drapes put up
to give the joint a little warmth.

Oh, that's nice Rocky.

You make the place
look more livable.

They should.
They're bulletproof.

Oh, nice thinking,
nice thinking.

Come in.

Oh, waiter pour me a bourbon
and you better bring some cigars.

Yes, sir.

I got to get some
dough from the safe

and I think I'll better let a
little air in the joint, Gertie,

just in case your car
wash starts wearing off.

You old son of a g*n.

Hi there, Lieutenant.

- Waiter.
- Waiter.

- How am I doing?
- Great.

The microphone in the apple is
picking up every word on tape.

Good. And I'll try to get Rocky
to talk about the payroll robbery.

Wait until the right
spot. Now, be subtle.

You've got to be smart.

Yeah. Don't worry
about me, Lieutenant.

- Waiter.
- Waiter, waiter.

Oh, I'll get those cigars, sir.

Yeah, do that.

- Well, Gertie.
- Yeah, Rocky.

Let's have a little
toast to my luck tonight.

Oh, drink to that,
buddy. I'll drink to that.

You bet.

Here you go right here.

What's the matter?

That's good booze.

Hello, Rocky.

How are you, Rocky?

Oh, hi boys.

Gertie, you know,
Moose and Numbers.

Oh yeah. Hi Moose. Hi Numbers.

- I'm Moose.
- I'm Numbers.

Oh, well, you've
both grown so much.

I couldn't tell you apart.

Gertie, you sure can't handle
that gin like you used to.

Well, I guess it's cause
I'm using my other hand.

All right, let's play cards.

Yeah, let's play cards.

How's the kid, Gertie?

I never felt better.

I'm talking about
your kid, Sylvie.

Oh, she's fine.

What do you mean, she?

Ah, you ought to see him
since he let his hair grow.

Yeah.

They sure know how
to break a parent's heart.

Yeah, they sure do.

Well, let's have one to
the winning the first part.

Are you sure you
want drink to that?

I'm sure.

OK, Rocky.

Let's play.

Let's play cards.

Uh-hmm.

You made it!

I ain't opening.

- I'll open for 200.
- Yeah, yeah, open.

I'm out.

- I call.
- He's calling you.

- These cards, I'll play these.
- Yeah.

A deal that takes one card.

Yeah, well, he's
got two crummy pair.

- I bet 300.
- Sure, put it in.

All right, I call.

He's calling.



Uh-uh.

Jack high flush.

All Caucasian.

Well, that's too bad, Rocky.

Gertie, from now on, just open
your mouth to take a drink, hmm.

Yes, sir.

We'll have one now
to change my luck.

Right now, huh?

OK.

Here you are.

Your luck don't get
no better, Rocky.

You're going to be out
looking for another payroll heist.

Payroll heist?

Dummy up, stupid.
Remember, walls have ears.

- So do apples.
- What?

I mean, I mean...
yeah, you... you know,

you always like my
apples for good luck.

You remember that, Rocky?

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.

And on the spirit of that,
I'll open this pop blind.

He's opening blind and
he's hardly been drinking.

I bet 500.



- Too rich for me.
- I'm out.

I'll call.

How many cards?

He'll take four.

I told you to button up.

Oh I was just trying
to help you, Rocky.

OK, we'll take four.

Yeah, four nice little goodies.

- OK. Four for the boss.
- Yeah.

And a deal that takes three.

Oh, he's got a crummy pair.

Well, I think we're going
to drink to my first pot.

Is it so, huh?

OK.

There you go.

It goes down easier now.

OK, play cards, buddy.

I'll check.

Yeah, check one.

I'll check two.

A pair of 6's.

We got 5 pair.

We got nothing.

I see 5 pair.

You know, something
ain't right tonight.

I mean, you're supposed to
be bringing me luck, Gertie.

Oh, well, I tell you what.

I'll get up and walk
around my chair

and maybe that will bring
you a little bit of luck, you know.

[Singing] Just a little bit of
luck. Just a little bit of luck.

Just a little bit
of bloomin luck.

Hi-ya, Lieutenant.

Lieutenant?

Lieutenant John Smith, sir.


served under General Baxter, sir.

Yeah, that was a good outfit.

Well, we don't want to
hear your w*r record, waiter.

Yes, sir. Here
are your cigars, sir.

Anything else?

No. Oh, yeah.

The chef said he's going to
cook us a turkey for the night.

- See if it's ready.
- Yes, sir.

Yeah. See if that turkey is ready
and get them in here, will you?

Hey, Gertie.

Yeah, yeah, Rocky.

- You know, Gertie...
- Huh?

You got me real uptight when
you call that waiter lieutenant.

I thought he might be the fuzz.

Well, are you still worrying
about that payroll robbery?

Well, certainly, if the
cops find out, I did it,

I'll be doing 15 years.


job was it, Rocky?

- The payroll job.
- Hey, Rocky.

Remember that time the cops
planted that hat chick girl in your club?

Yeah.

That was four years ago
and they're still looking for her.

What happened to her?

Well, first, we talked to
her with a rubber hose.

Then, we tied it to a
propeller of an ocean liner

like the one in that
wristwatch commercials?

And then, we shipped her out.

You shipped her
out on a propeller?

Oh, I bet she got seasick.;

I think I better have a drink.

Yup. That ringing a bell.

Hello.

You know, I don't feel so good.

Maybe I better have
something to eat.

Well, boys, that was
lawyer on the phone.

He just called me
from the police station.

And guess who they
got sitting in the clink?

Who?

Dirty Gertie.

Well, there must
be some mistake.

The biggest mistake
you ever made.

But I'm Dirty Gertie.

You maybe Gertie, but you
ain't going to be dirty no more.

'Cause we're going to take
you out and give you a bath.

In the river.

With a manhole cover
tied around your neck.

Ah, blah, blah, hey down there
headquarters, headquarters.

Hey, headquarters.
Come in, headquarters.

Now, what is she talking about?

I don't know. I
think she's flipped.

Police... Police
headquarters... police!

Your turkey, sir.

No one's got time to eat now.

No, they got no time to eat.

They're going to take me
for a ride and then we'll swim.

Well, you guys can
get rid of her anytime.

You got too much class, Rocky,

to knock off the old doll
on an empty stomach.

Yeah, you got too
much class, Rocky.

Besides, the chef
would feel terrible.

He told me to tell you
that he stuffed this turkey

with a special gourmet dressing.

Yeah, what he stuffed it with?

A special 38 revolver.

All right, hands
up. Over your head.

All of you.

Not you ma'am.

Lieutenant, you
got here just in time.

You know, I thought
I was finished.

No danger with that, ma'am.

I've got men stationed
behind every door.

OK. Take them in and book them.

OK, you guys.

I don't know who you are lady,

but for your
information, I want you...

Yeah, well, before you
volunteer any information,

it is my duty to advise
you of your rights.

You know, you have
the right to remain silent

and anything you say can or will
be used against you in a court of law.

Well, take me out of here.

You have the right to
speak to an attorney

and have an attorney to be
present during the speaking done...

And if you so desire an
attorney and cannot afford one,

an attorney will be
appointed for you

without charge
before questioning.

It's all over, ma'am.

Just trying to give them
the facts, waiter... lieutenant.