05x23 - Goodbye, Mrs. Hips

[bunniefuu]

[Announcer] Here's Lucy.

Starring Lucille Ball.

Co-starring Gale Gordon.

Oh gee Lucy, we are so glad you
could have lunch with us, today.

Well, I thought I'd better
catch up on the gossip.

Now, what's new?

Well, I have a new boyfriend.

Oh, really? What's he like?

Well, apparently me.

I mean, what does he look like?

Well, he's got curly brown hair,

blue eyes, dimples...

And he's 4 feet tall.

Oh, Vanda!

Well, he is not.

He's a little bit
short, but who cares?

Yeah, she just wants him to
take her out, not jump center.

Hi ladies.

- Hello.
- Hi Sam.

What is everybody having today?

Well, I'll have the special Sam,

the cream chicken and dumplings
and the chocolate sundae.

Yeah, I'll have that, too.

I'll have cottage
cheese and fruit.

Well, when did you
go on a diet, Vanda?

Since yesterday when
I went to buy a dress.

I saw myself in a
three-way mirror,

and I thought bustles
had come back in style.

Hey, maybe I better change mine,

to cottage cheese
and fruit, too, Sam.

You know, since I broke my leg,
I hadn't been getting any exercise

and I'm starting to
blow up like a balloon.

Really, Lucy? You don't look it.

Well, just don't
stick me with a pin.

Sam, I think I'll have
cottage cheese and fruit.

OK.

Well, you're certainly
not fat, Mary Jane.

Well, I know, I look thin,
but I'm like an iceberg,

two-thirds of me is
below the surface.

Well, it looks
like the roly-poly's

are going on one of there
famous one-day diets.

- Oh...
- Oh, that Sam makes me so mad.

He acts like we
never stay on our diet.

That's because we never do.

Yeah.

Let's face it, he's right.

Well, the trouble is
we have no willpower.

- Well...
- Well...

Hey, you know something?

This time is going
to be different.

Now, we're starting out a
diet, we're going to stick to it.

You know how?

Tie a vicious dog
to the refrigerator?

No.

You, too, are going to move into
my house for two whole weeks.

It will be like a training camp.

You see, that way, we can eat
together and exercise together

and we can keep up
each other's morale.

You mean keep each
other from cheating?

Well, call it whatever you like,

but it's the only
way we'll ever do it.

Oh yes, and it's
a wonderful idea.

I'm game.

Well... all right, count me in.

Good.

Here I come girls.

The three diet plates.

- Uh-hmm...
- Here and here.

Yeah.

There they are.

Ugh! We haven't even had a bite

and I'm bored with
this diet already.

Now, well, come on,
Vanda, nothing personal

but your roily is more
poly than anybody's.

- I'll have my usual, Sam.
- Oh, there's Harry. Hi, Harry.

Hello, girls.

Say girls, do you mind if I
join you? I need some advice?

No. Come on, sit down.

Well, thank you.
Thank you very much.

Thank you.

You need advice?

Yes.

You see, I've been invited to join
the Encino Wine and Food Society.

Well, congratulations.

Thanks, but in order
to become a member,

I have to prepare a
lunch next Saturday

for two members
who will act as judges.

- You mean, you have to cook it?
- Oh, yes, yes.

- I'm a very good cook.
- Oh.

What I'd like from
you is your opinion

- on the menu that
I've worked up here, you see?
- Oh.

Now, I thought I'd start
with asparagus vinaigrette...

Oh I love that.

Yes, then followed by poached
salmon with black caviar...

Poached salmon?

And then, roast
duckling in aspic.

Oh, Harry, stop.
You're torturing us.

We just went on a diet.

Well, that's your problem.

Now, that's... oh yes, and
for dessert, I thought I'd have

Chantilly cream cake
topped with toasted hazel nuts.

Now, how does it sound?

Oh... it sounds heavenly.

Oh, good, good.

- Chantilly cream cake
topped with toasted hazel nuts.
- Yeah.

I gained 3 pounds
just hearing about it.

- Oh, well, that's...
- Here we are, Mr. Carter.

Thank you, Sam. Thank you.

- Roast beef, - Yes.

- Mashed potatoes, - Uh-huh.

And a double order of gravy.

Ah, yes.

- Oh, Sam's gravy is superb.
- I know.

- Anywhere in town,
you won't find gravy like that.
- I know.

Oh, look at it.

And his mashed potatoes,

I tell you, they're
as fluffy as a cloud.

Hmmm... ambrosia.

Oh... I could live on this.
I could real... I could...

Shoo.

Hup two, three, four,
hup two, three, four,

keep it up in there.

Lucy, isn't dinner ready yet?

Not yet. Take another left.

Pick them up. Pick them up.

Pick them up. Pick them up.

Pick them up.

Hup two, three, four.
Hup two, three, four.

Lucy!

Oh, all right, honey. All
right. You can sit down.

But Vanda, first you
do your bumpity bops.

I hate those bumpity bops.

Never mind.

And don't forget to
walk your roly-poly.

Ugh!

Ugh!

Ugh!

Come on. Walk your roly-poly.

Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk.

Walk. Walk.

All right. Come and get it..

Come on. Off you go.

I don't know.

But how come we get
to do all the exercise

and you just stand
there slicing tomatoes.

I have a broken leg, remember?

I think she broke it on purpose.

Oh, sit down, Vanda.

Heavens!

You know, you're both very lucky

that I'm here to
maintain the discipline.

Now, eat hardy, mates.

Eat hardy?

On 3 ounces of tuna,
half a cup of string beans,

some sliced tomatoes, and
a glass of skimmed milk?

You know, I'm so
hungry, this looks good.

All right.

How much weight has
everybody lost so far?

Oh, I lost 2 whole ounces.

How about you, Lucy?

I haven't lost a thing.

But then, I haven't
gained anything either,

so that's the most I'd
lost on any of our diets.

I've lost 3 pounds.

I've lost 3 pounds.

Lucille! Lucille!

Oh, in here, Harry.

Thank heaven your door was open.

- Oh, Lucille...
- What's the matter?

- I have an emergency.
- What?

I prepared the food for
the big luncheon tomorrow

and there's something
wrong with my refrigerator.

Do you have room
for... Will you take it...

Boy, have we got room?

Oh, you have room. Good,
good. I'll be right back.

- I'll have to get some more things...
- Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh.

Lucy, what is that?

This is all the stuff that he's
prepared for that luncheon.

Oh, that's the
asparagus vinaigrette.

Smell that.

Oh... I bet this is the
Chantilly cream cake.

- Oh...
- Oh...

Is that gorgeous?

Oh. How would you like to
pop out of the cake like that

eating all the way?

Well, I wonder what that is?

Poached salmon
with caviar on top.

I love caviar.

- Oh, gee, I'd love to taste that.
- Yeah, taste it.

Here... here we are.

Uh, this is the
piece de resistance..

This is the duckling.

Are you... ah-ha.

Some of my caviar is missing.

Will you look at this. I
took three measly fish eggs.

What did you do, count them?

Yes.

Harry, I'll give you $5
for a piece of that cake.

I'll give you 10.

How about the
pink slip on my car?

What is wrong with all of you?

We're hungry.

You mean you're
still on that diet?

Yeah, we're still on that diet.

Oh, good heavens.
I didn't realize.

I was bringing all
of this beautiful food

into a den of hungry wolves.

Oh, Harry! You
don't have to worry.

We won't eat any of these.

I know you won't.

And I'll tell you why.

Because if there is so
much as a single tooth print

on any of that food,
you are fired, Lucille.

And I may even
do you bodily harm.

- Now, somebody open
the refrigerator, please?
- Open the refrigerator.

- And be careful with that.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Don't you dare drop a thing.

Be very gentle with it.

Now, careful, don't get it.

Don't get it. Don't get it.

Oh my...

Oh, I can't read
this book anymore.

The main character just
went to work in a candy factory.

Candy factory?

They started her in fudge.

Vanilla or chocolate?

Chocolate.

I'll take 3 pounds.

Come in.

Oh, hi Lucy.

Hi g*ng. I thought
I heard you talking.

We're having trouble
getting to sleep.

We're trying to keep
our minds off food.

Yeah.

I know what you mean.

Oh boy.

I... I've been trying to forget
how hungry I was by watching TV,

but it didn't work

'cause there were only
three old movies on.

Breakfast at Tiffany's, Guess
Who's Coming to Dinner,

and Animal Crackers.

Well we're just going to have
to pulls ourselves together.

We will have to talk about
something besides food.

What else is there?

Lucy!

Oh I can't help it.

My body is up here,

but my mind is downstairs
looking in that refrigerator.

Boy, I can see the whole thing,

that Chantilly cream
cake is on the second shelf

- and on the first...
- No, Lucy, it's on the top shelf.

You're both wrong. That
cake is on the bottom shelf.

No, Vanda.

I remember distinctly the cake is
on the second shelf right next to

a can of dietetic
sauerkraut juice.

I don't care what it's next to,
that cake's on the bottom shelf.

- Top shelf.
- Second shelf.

Look, I... Will
you listen to us?

What difference does it make
what shelf that cake is on?

We wouldn't dare touch it.

We're just going bananas.

Bananas? Oh, I love a banana.

I'd love to have a
whole bunch of bananas.

- Yeah, even green ones.
- Yeah.

We're hopeless.

Yeah. Well, I'm going
to go back to bed.

Oh boy.

You know something,
I'm beginning to think that

keeping that food for
Harry is a big mistake.

- Steak.
- I'll have mine medium rare.

Ugh... ugh.

Mary Jane!

Mary Jane! Are you asleep?

Not now, I'm not.

Why aren't you?

Oh, I keep trying
to fall asleep,

but my stomach stays
awake waiting for breakfast.

I'm sorry, Vanda.

There's nothing I
can do to help you.

Well, the least you
could do is stay awake

so you can call a doctor when
I pass out from malnutrition.

All right, and when he comes,

he can fix the broken
nose you're going to get

if you don't let me sleep.

You know, they really
can't eat it all by themselves.

Who can't eat what
all by themselves?

That cream cake.

There's only Harry
and two judges, right?

Right, so...

So... they won't miss
it if we take some.

They will notice a big
hunk out of that cake.

Not the way we're
going to do it.

Listen, Mary, I'll hold
the cake like this, see?

And you'll take a knife and cut a
big slice right across the bottom.

Harry will never notice
the cake is an inch shorter.

That is the most ridiculous
thing I've ever heard.

Well, I guess you're right.

But we'll do it.

Yeah, right.

That Lucy thinks
she is some smart.

Well, what she doesn't
know won't hurt her.

- Get on the other side, Mary.
- Yeah.

Let's put it on the table.

Will you look at that?

Well, apparently,
Lucy doesn't trust us.

Apparently.

I was right.

Lucy, you scared us.

So big deal.

All right. What are
you doing down here?

Well...

All right.

Well... how do you know

we didn't come down for
a glass of skimmed milk?

Because you don't have a
skimmed milk gleam in your eye.

Oh, Mary Jane, we
might as well admit it.

Yeah, go ahead, admit. Admit.

Well, we're going to take
just a little piece of cake.

Take a little piece of cake.

You'd certainly care a lot about
what happens to me, don't you?

Now, you heard what Harry said.

If anyone touches that
food, he will fire me.

Lucy, he always hires you back.

Yeah, but this time, he said

he might even do me
bodily harm, remember?

Oh, he doesn't mean that.

Harry's got a very
rough exterior,

but underneath,
he is very sweet.

Sweet? Sweet?

Underneath Harry is about
as sweet as a hyena with hives.

Lucy, as long as we're up,

could we have a glass of
sauerkraut juice and a carrot?

I think that could be arranged.

Ha-ha, oh no, no, no.

You just want to see where
I hid the key to the padlock.

Nice try, Mary.

Will you might just
as well give up girls.

I'd hidden that key in a place
where you will never find it.

Now, shall we all
go back upstairs?

Time for all good little
dieters to be in bed.

Yeah, not like
that. On the double.

Up two, three, four.

Up the stairs. Up
two, three, four.

Keep going,
roly-poly, keep going.

Keep going.

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

All right. Walk your roly-poly.

Come on.

Walk. Walk.

Come on, honey.

Walk your roly-poly.
That's right.

Walk, walk, walk, walk, walk.

OK, baby, you had it..

Oh boy, have I had it.

Oh...

Lucy!

I can't go one more lap.

All right. Come and get it.

Oh.

Oh my... what an exciting lunch.

A half of grape fruit, some
pieces of melba toasted

and black coffee.

Well, I'm not too thrilled
with it, either, Vanda,

but just thinking,
nine more days,

we're going to be
so thin and so sleek,

we'll be like fashion models.

I'd like the model with a
hamburger on a bed of French fries.

Oh, listen, Lucy, could
you unlock the fridge

so I can have some skimmed
milk for my coffee, please?

Oh, sorry, I forgot the milk.

Oh... hmm-hmm.

Just a minute now.

If I'm going to get
the key to the padlock,

you two close your eyes.

I just assume not look
at this lunch anyway.

Never mind. No peeking now.

Uh, g*ng...

What's the matter?

I can't remember
where I hid the key.

Oh no.

How could you
forget a thing like that?

I don't know.

All I know is when I went
back upstairs last night,

I started to weaken and I almost
came down and eat something,

so I tried to put the
whole thing out of my mind.

Well, you sure did a good job.

You must have a mental block.

Yeah, I guess so.

Who's that?

Oh... I have an awful feeling,
it's all gruff on the outside

and soon to be
gruff on the inside.

Lucy, what are we going to do?

Well... you let him in and stall

while I just casually stroll
around and try to find that key.

Hurry up.

And I'll look, what
did I do with that?

Oh hi, Harry.

Oh Harry.

Look, Lucille, it's Harry.

Well, hi, Harry.

Oh, come on in, Harry.

Yeah, come in, Harry.

How about a cup of coffee?

No, I don't have time.

I just came to get my
food for the luncheon.

Yes, you have time.
You have plenty of time.

People just are too
busy these days.

Too much rushing around.

Yes, stop rushing around, Harry.

Isn't a nice day out?

It's OK.

What's new?

Nothing is new.

Oh... what's old?

What's up?

Here, Harry, drink your coffee.

Here's the sugar.

Oh, sugar.

All right.

Alrighty.

What is going on?

What do you mean?

You're acting
funny, even for you.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

I knew it.

You three vultures
had eaten my food.

Oh, no, believe me, Harry.
We haven't touched your food.

Then what's going on?

Well, I guess you'll
find out eventually, so...

Well, you see, last night,
I didn't trust any of us

so I put a chain and a
padlock on the refrigerator.

Good girl, good.

No. I'm afraid
it's bad girl, bad

because I can't remember
where I hid the key.

You didn't... You can remember.

You can... That's impossible.

But she's developed
a mental block.

She was born
with a mental block!

Oh now, Harry,
don't get so upset.

Will you just stay calm?

I'm sure I can
remember where I put it.

All right. All right.

No use getting mad and
upset, it won't solve anything.

I'm sure if we all
stay perfectly calm,

you'll think of where
you hid the key.

Where did you hide the key?

Now, is that your
idea of staying calm?

Now, Lucille, think hard
and try, try to remember

where you hid the key.

Well, Harry, I remember
I had a hard time deciding

which will be the best place, so

- I... I thought about
putting it in the...
- In the what?

It doesn't matter 'cause
I didn't put it there.

It was a very bad place,
but then... but then, I thought

- if I could just slip it between...
- Between what?

Two slices of bread, but I didn't
dare going near the bread box

'cause I'm on a diet.

Lucille, Lucille, please.
Now, concentrate.

- Think, think, think, think.
- Yeah.

Oh... oh I know.

Oh.

I put it in the
pocket of my robe.

Oh good, go and get it.

But there was a hole in my
pocket. It fell through to the floor.

Well, what did you do then?

Yeah, well, I... I
picked it up and I put it...

Yes, where?

- Uh... uh... I put it...
- Where, where?

I put it...

Where, where, where,
where, where, where?

I forgot where I put it.

Lucille!

- You have just been fired.
- Oh...

Now, would you like
to try for bodily harm?

Oh, now, Harry!

Harry, wait! That's
where the key is.

You swallowed it?

No, around my neck.

- Around your neck?
- Yeah.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah, I got it.

There. Give it to
me. Give it to me.

Come on, come on.

There we are.

All right.

All I have to do
is set the table.

Get the stuff on
and it will be fine.

It will be nothing but...

All right now everything.

Here, take that...
careful, careful.

Now, the salmon
for you, all right.

Now, be careful with this.

Oh, be careful. There we are.

And I'll bring the duckling.

Oh, the Chantilly cream cake.

Come on, back, back, back, back.

Get away from that.

Oh my goodness.

It's so beautiful.

Oh, excuse me.

Hello.

Yes, he's here.
Harry, it's for you.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Hello.

Oh, yes, Jim, yes.

What?

One of the judges is ill.

You're postponing the
luncheon for a week?

Oh, no. I don't mind.

Jim, what am I'm going
to do with all this food?

Jim? Jim?

What...?

The last time I
saw a sight like that

was at a watering
hole near Nairobi.