06x07 - Lucy's Tenant

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy.

Starring: Lucille Ball.

Co-starring: Gale Gordon.

Oh. Hi, Harry.

Oh, Mary Jane.

Where's Lucille?

I have some work for her to do.

I thought you gave
her the day off.

I gave her the
day off at the office

that doesn't mean
she can't work at home.

Harry, if sl*ve ships
ever come back

you'd make a great first whip.

Very droll.

Incidentally, Mary Jane,
what are you doing here?

Well, it's my day off too.

But my boss is human.

All right. All right. All right.

And where is Lucille?

She's upstairs showing the room.

Oh, she's had some
replies already?

- Yeah. Did you see her
neat little ad?
- No.

It's in the paper here.

Oh.

"Furnished room to rent.

Lovely home.

Refined widow. Seeks
compatible tenant."

Compatible with Lucille?

Why didn't she just advertise
for a friendly "ding-a-ling"?

Well, she certainly has a
strange one up there now.

Oh.

But you know Harry I
think it's a very good idea

for her to have
someone in the house

now that Kim has
her own apartment.

I suppose so.

Well, I don't know, Mrs. Carter.

Your room is very nice,

but I don't know what goes
on in the rest of the house?

Oh, what do you mean
Mrs. Witherspoon?

- Well, do you entertain men?
- Yeah, if I'm lucky.

Well, I certainly
couldn't live in a house

where there's partying
going on all the time.

No, I don't approve of men,

loud music, alcohol

and whoop-de-doing.

Well, we might
whoop once in a while,

but there's very
little de-doing.

De-doing, all right.

Who is that?

Oh well, he's Cuddles,
my Monday night boyfriend.

Oh right on, right on.

Cuddles at your service.

Rock on down.

Rock into town.

Let's spin the wheels until
the fuzz comes around.

Rock. Rock. Rock.

Yeah.

Well, thank you very much
for showing me the room.

Well, thank you for coming by.

Oh boy,

I know she was
impossible when she asked

if I supply hot water bottles.

Well, Lucille, you're
going about this all wrong

besides you're taking too
much time off from the office.

What do you suggest?

Give it to a rental agent.

Now, Keith Davidson is a
very good friend of mine.

He's trustworthy

and he will find
you a reliable tenant.

That makes very good
sense to me, Lucy.

In spite of her recommendation,
it's still is a good idea.

OK, I guess an agent
would make it easier,

go ahead, call him, Harry.

You know that was pretty good.

What was?

Rock on down. Rock into town.

Let's spin the wheel to...

Call... call... call the agent.

Oh, hi Mr. Davidson.

Good news, Mrs. Carter.

You've rented the room.

A year's lease and a check
for the first and last months.

Wonderful.

Your first day on the
job that's pretty fast work.

I'll bring your new tenant
down and introduce you.

You mean, she's
moved in already?

Oh, Mrs. Carter...

What was that?

What a stupid place
to put a stupid plant.

Mr. Davidson, that's my tenant?

Oh, Mrs. Carter,
Mr. Kermit Boswell.

Hi.

But he's a man?

Well, I'd better be,

all my clothes
are made that way.

Mr. Davidson, how could
you do a thing like this to me?

Well, I'm sorry Mrs. Carter,
but you didn't say anything about

not renting the room to a man.

Your ad certainly
didn't specify.

But it said refined widow.

It didn't say anything
about swinging singles.

Don't worry; you'll be
safe around me, toots.

I've had it with women.

You see, I was married
once and once is enough.

My only weakness, bowling.

Mr. Davidson, give
him his check back.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Carter,

but the deal has
already been accepted.

Besides I've checked up on him.

Now, Mr. Boswell is a
very respectable gentleman.

He's a used car salesman.

I don't care if he's a
used bible salesman.

I am not going to live under
the same roof with that man.

I'm sorry, Mr. Boswell.

Oh, wait a minute. Hold on.

Let's simmer down for a second.

Wait a minute.

Now, look lady, I rented that
room of yours in good faith.

I like the room.

I like the house.

I like the neighborhood.

Now, you don't want
me because I'm a man.

Now, you dames have
had your women's lib,

how about a little man's
lib for a change, huh?

You can have your man's lib,

just pack it up and
take it to the YMCA.

Oh no, no, no.

Absolutely, no way,
I've got a nice lease

all signed and
legal for one year.

I am staying.

Oh no, you're not.

Well then, take me to court.

By the time the case comes
up, you'll be used to me.

Oh, I need some
soap and some towels.

And for heaven's sake,

will you get rid of that
tutti-frutti bedspread.

Tutti-frutti, well you...

Is Mary Poppins trying
to tell me something?

Mr. Boswell, I will
tell you once again.

You rented one room,
not the whole house.

Now, will you kindly
remove your fat presence

and your smudge pot

and go upstairs
where you belong?

I didn't think that you
would be back so soon.

Oh by the way,

will it be all right
when I come home,

if I walk in through your
front door across your carpet

and up your stairs into my room

or do you want me to
fly in through the window?

I'd rather you flew
out your window.

You're not getting rid of me.

So you can stop shoving
those rocks on my mattress.

Come in.

Lucy.

Lucy. I can't believe it's true.

I just got back from my vacation
and the first thing I heard...

well, I just had to
hear it from you,

I can't believe
it's true. Is it true?

Is what true?

You're living with a man.

Yeah, Mary Jane it's true.

Oh Lucy, is he
single? Is he rich?

Is he handsome? Are you engaged?

What's that awful smell?

Well, I'll answer
those in order.

Yes.

No. No. No.

And it's a cheap cigar.

Now Mary Jane, listen closely.

The dumb real estate agent

rented my room to
this used car salesman

without my knowing it.

He signed a lease
and I can't get rid of him.

Oh, no romance, no nothing?

Nothing.

It could have been
such a juicy scandal.

Yeah.

Why don't guys like Clint
Eastwood go around renting rooms?

If they did, I'd open
a boarding house.

This Mr. Boswell that's
his name Boswell...

Boswell...

is driving me up the wall
and around the ceiling.

I can't... uh-oh...

Did I ever sell you
a '59 Studebaker?

Are you sure?

Boy, you sure look like a dame
that gave me all that trouble

about the transmission.

I can assure you, she never
owned a '59 Studebaker

and if she had bought one,

well she wouldn't
bought it from you, buddy.

That's right because my
uncle is in the car business

and if I was going to buy a car,

I wouldn't buy a car
from a total stranger,

I'd buy a car from my uncle.

You're not the one.

I'd never forget
a voice like that.

What did you do,
swallow a mouse?

Isn't he charming?

Well, what is he talking about?

What's wrong with my voice?

He must be tone deaf.

Listen Mary Jane, I've
been thinking of a way

- I might get rid of him.
- Yeah. How?

Well, he had a very
unfortunate marriage he said

and he's a confirmed
woman hater.

Oh really?

Now, what if he thought
I was falling for him

and wanted to marry him,

wouldn't he sort of
head for the hills?

Good thinking, Lucy.

Oh no, but that might backfire.

Suppose he fell for you after
all you're a very attractive girl.

That's true.

With any other man, it
is a definite possibility,

but with that character, no way.

Well, you know best.

What did he mean
swallow a mouse?

Do I sound like a mouse?

Of course not...

You sound more like a chipmunk.

Good morning, Kermit.

Good morning, Lucy.

Look before I sit down,

there's one thing
I'd like to get straight.

What's that?

Well, you've been giving me
breakfast every morning for a week

and I think you
should charge me for it.

Oh Kermit, I won't hear of it.

That's what I
wanted to get straight.

You know, Kermit, you do
have a cute sense of humor.

Yeah.

That's the way I sell
most of my used cars,

I give them a laugh or two

and they forget to
check the mileage.

Oh, that's funny.

You know, they asked me
down at the office if I like to do

a TV commercial
for them with a dog.

Oh really? Gee, I think
you'll be very good.

Well, they made
me take a screen test

and they said I came
off looking dishonest.

- That's not funny.
- Oh.

Oh. Well, I think
they were wrong.

I'd certainly buy
a car from you.

You would?

I got just a deal for
you '70 convertible...

No Kermit, no, no, no.

I'm very satisfied
with the car I have.

Now, I made a little hot
cereal for you this morning,

I thought you might
like it for a change.

And after that what?

Uh, bacon, eggs, and hotcakes.

No toast?

Toast. The usual four slices.

What's biting you?

Nothing.

What do you mean nothing?
You keep staring at me.

Well I... uh...

It's just that I... I mean...

Oh, why don't I just be frank.

I'm not a coy little
schoolgirl anymore.

Kermit, I think I've
fallen in love with you.

Did I hear you right or
did you spike my oatmeal?

Well, I've been lonely
for a long time Kermit,

and I've been waiting for
the right man to come along.

The kind of man I want to marry.

I don't believe it.

Well, I thought it would
come as a shock to you.

Shock?

Why it's a shock of my life

because I've fallen
in love with you.

Baby, come into my arms.

No... no, no, later, later.

And I'm happy like
this. I have to eat.

I'll put the eggs on.

Over easy.

I'd join you, but my feet hurt.

What a ridiculous situation,
imagine him wanting to marry me.

- Uh, don't be so...
- Oh, hush...

You know, Lucy,
I've got a gorgeous,

white fluffy gown
I've never worn

and if anything comes to this,
can I be your maid of honor?

Don't even say that.

Mary Jane, you met him.

Can you imagine me in my
right mind ever marrying him?

Well, who said you have to be
in your right mind to get married.

- Oh, Lucy.
- What?

I read your horoscope
this morning.

Oh, what does it say?

It said, "When opportunity
knocks, open the door."

Big deal.

Well, there aren't too
many knocks at your age.

My age?

Well, listen to Peter Pan.

Now, stop talking
and do some thinking,

how am I going
to let Kermit down?

How am I going to
let him down easily?

Think. Think. Think.

I said think, don't suffer.

When I think, I suffer.

Lucy, I think you have
to tell the man the truth.

You have to tell him
you've been making believe

that you just pretended you
fell him to scare him away.

Mary Jane, I don't want to
do anything to hurt his feelings,

after all somewhere
beneath those layers of fat

there is a human being.

- Maybe so.
- Yeah.

I just wish you had a
husband somewhere.

What?

Oh, I saw this marvelous old
movie on television the other night.

I don't remember the name of it,

but Mary Hester and Jack
Oakie were about to get married

when all of a sudden, out of
the blue comes Don Ameche.

Now, Don is Mary's
long lost husband.

He's been missing at sea for I
don't know how many years...

Hey!

- That could be it.
- What?

Those things do happen.

My long lost husband
is going to return.

Mary Jane you are a genius.

Once in a while us
chipmunks come through.

Mary Jane, I told
you, it was all a set,

now don't keep calling.

I'll let you know how
it comes out, OK.

Hi, Lucy.

Why Kermit is that
you under there?

Well, I thought I'd get
prettied up for you a little bit.

What do you think?

I think you look
very good in hair.

Why I bought this from a
kid down at the corner here?

Oh, thank you, Kermit.

I love wild flowers.

Good. Because that little bandit

stuck me up five bucks for them.

Oh well, they're
really beautiful.

OK, babe, put it here.

I made a reservation for
us at that little restaurant

I was telling you about.

Oh fine, Kermit.

You know, since
we're going steady now,

do you mind if we
make it Dutch treat?

Dutch treat, well
that sounds fair.

Good. Good.

Because I believe in equality,

so it will be OK with me
if you keep on working

after we get married.

Well, that's good to know.

Oh no, no it's not possible.

What's not possible?

That knock. I can't believe it.

It can't be. It must be.

What must be? What?
What are you talking about?

Lionel.

Lucille.

You're alive.

I've always been alive.

I can't believe it.

It's really me.

After all these years.

All these years.

Who's the dude?

- Uh, Mr. Boswell,
he's renting a room.
- Oh!

Who's he?

Uh, Captain Carter,
he's my husband.

Your husband?

I thought you were a widow.

So did I.

After the typhoon sank my ship,

I managed to swim
to an uncharted island.

I couldn't have done it,

if it hadn't been for my
super human endurance

and an occasional nudge
from a friendly porpoise.

Incredible.

I was on that tropical
island until two weeks ago

when I was spotted by
a passing water skier.

Oh Lionel, you must have been
terribly lonely all those years.

- Not until my parrot died.
- Oh.

But the native girls
tried to make up for it.

Oh, bless my barnacles
were they hospitable.

Now, wait a minute, this is
all coming too fast for me.

How long has he been missing?

- Six years...
- Nine years...

How long?

- Nine years...
- Six years.

Who can keep track of time
with all those grass skirts around?

You know, if you've
been away seven years,

I think you can be
declared legally single.

Well Lucille, we have a
lot of catching up to do.

Tell me, do you still
snore as loud as ever?

Yes.

And does your nutty
mother still come to visit

the first week of every month?

Do you still have that hobby of
collecting black widow spiders?

Yes.

And our twins
are they still in jail?

And are you still
placing flowers on the,

you know what in the
you-know-what in the cellar?

Well, it looks like the old
home port is just the same.

What were you saying about
seven years, something about...?

No, forget it
Captain, forget it.

Now, two is company
and three is a triangle.

So, I'll just pack
up and check out.

As we say in
Spanish, que sera sera.