06x09 - Lucy and Joan Rivers Do Jury Duty

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy.

Starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon.

Why, Harry, I didn't
know you played tennis.

Sure. Certainly.

Certainly, every morning
before I come to work.

Really? When did you start?

Today.

Well, uh, don't you think
tennis is a little strenuous

for a man who can't even see his
tennis shoes when he looks down?

I can to.

Then, why are they
on the wrong feet?

Oh, I got dressed in
a hurry this morning.

But don't worry that is being
strenuous, I only play doubles

and my partner is
a heart specialist.

Here, Lucille, will you
take this to the tennis shop

and have it restrung.

Good heavens.

What happened to it?

Well, I stuck my foot through it
when I was jumping over the net.

Oh! Then you won.

Well, no.

Thanks to me, we lost.

I was trying to get away
from my sore-headed partner.

All right. I'll drop
this at the tennis shop

before I go to Superior Court.

Superior Court!

h*-hoo.

Oh, Harry. It's
not what you think.

I'm not guilty of a thing.

So pooh-pooh on your h*-hoo.

Then why do you
have to go to court?

Because I've been
called for jury duty.

Oh! Well, why
didn't you tell me?

I'll get you out of it.

Harry, I'm ashamed of you.

I can't shirk my civic duty.

Don't you want to
see justice done?

Yes.

That's why I don't
want you on the jury.

Go put your shoes
on the right feet.

Here you are, folks. Make
yourselves comfortable.

Well, Joan, how do
you like jury duty?

Oh, these two weeks have
take a year of my life, boy.

Yeah. Listen. Was that
judge wearing a taupe?

A taupe?

I thought he was
wearing a raccoon.

Listen, folks.

I hope we can get
this over with fast.

It's our anniversary.

- My husband is
taking me out to dinner.
- Oh.

Hey, I'm with you.

Got tickets to the
Rams game tonight.

Yeah. I got a heavy
date with a swingin' chick.

Oh, well.

I'm seeing my
boyfriend, Marvin, tonight.

I think he's going to
pop the big question.

Really?

Lately, he's had that
I'm-sick-of-TV-dinners-and-doing

- my-own-laundry
look in his eye.

Well, congratulations.

All right, ladies and gentlemen.
Let's settle down, please.

Before we begin our deliberations,
I'm going to review the case.

Oh, Mr. Miller. You
don't need to do that.

We were all there with you
in the jury box for two weeks

or didn't you notice?

Maybe he thought we're
two 6-packs of people.

As foreman, it is my
duty to review the case.

Yes, sir.

We are assembled
to render a verdict

to the probate of the will of
the late Everett Covington.

The grandson of the
deceased, George Covington,

is endeavoring to have
this second will set aside

in favor of a first will which
names him as beneficiary.

Now, as you remember,
George claims that this second will

which leaves the entire estate of
$1 million to Miss Susan Bartlett,

Mr. Covington's nurse

is invalid because she used
undue influence and coercion

to get the old
gentleman to sign it.

Now, let us begin
our discussion.

Well, I think the grandson
should get the money

because blood is
thicker than water.

I agree. That conniving
little snip of a nurse

took advantage of a sick old man

and bamboozled him
into changing his will.

Well, with her figure, she could
bamboozle me any all times.

Mrs. Barnes, could it be possible that
Mr. Covington and Susan, the nurse,

were fond of each other
and had real relationship?

What could a 25-year-old girl
possibly see in a 98-year-old man?

A million dollars.

Now hold on there.

I don't see anything wrong
with a little age difference.

A 73-year-age difference?

Well, I take out girls younger
than I am plenty of times.

Oh, come on. Mr. Covington
was 98 years old.

You're a lot younger than that.

That's true.

I'm only 91.

I bet you're the Burt
Reynolds of Sun City.

Well, I was the centerfold of
this month's Medicare magazine.

Ladies and gentlemen, I think
we're straying from the subject.

Perhaps we could take a vote

so I can make the
Rams game tonight, huh.

Now, now, now, now, now.

We haven't had
enough discussion.

Well, I've made up my mind and I
think everybody else here has, too.

- Right.
- Yes.

Well, very well then.
We'll take a vote.

All right.

If you wish to
vote for the first will

which names George Covington
the beneficiary, vote yes.

If you wish to vote
for the second will in

favor of the nurse,
Susan Bartlett, vote no.

Now, I vote yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

No.

What?

Ladies and gentlemen,
let's quiet down, please.

Mrs. Carter, you seem
to be sole dissenting vote.

Would you care to
give us your reasons?

Well, I just don't
agree with those things

that were said about
the nurse, Susan Bartlett.

I thought she
seemed kind, sweet,

hardworking,
dedicated, and honest.

If you just add the
words thrifty and clean,

you can make her a Girl Scout.

I don't care. I liked her.

And anyway, if that grandson
cared so much about his grandfather,

why didn't he come
to see him more often?

He was in Europe, studying.

He could've written.

Maybe he did and that fortune
hunter intercepted the mail.

Oh, she wouldn't
do a thing like that.

Oh, of course not.

It's against the
Girl Scout oath.

Well, when George did
come to see his grandfather,

he always brought
him a box of candy.

Big deal. A box of stale candy.

Well, I still think the grandson
should have the inheritance.

Now, let's all remember
the old gentleman was 98

when he signed that second will.

He may not have been himself.

I mean, he may have, uh...

Gone bananas?

Now, now, this isn't
getting us anywhere.

Hey, perhaps we can
put it to another vote, huh.

It won't do any good. I
haven't changed my mind.

Oh.

Well, what are we
going to do now?

Well, we have all the makings
of a group encounter here.

We get all your hostilities,
and I have dibs on her.

It looks it's going
to be a long evening.

We better order dinner.

Oh.

Oh, good. You've reached
the verdict already?

I'm afraid not.

We would have except
for one red-headed hold out.

We'd like to order
some dinner sent in.

I'm afraid the only thing here
is a hotdog-hamburger stand.

Oh great.

Well, it will have to do.

I'll have a hamburger.
What about everyone else?

Hamburger. Hamburger.

Hamburger. Hamburger.

Hamburger. Hamburger.

Hamburger. Hamburger.

Hamburger. Hamburger.

Hotdog.

So, we review the
case one more time.

What's the point?

We've been over it a
dozen times already.

You-know-who isn't
going to change her mind.

You're darn right
you-know-who isn't.

Looks like you-know-who
isn't going to change her mind

till you-know-what freezes over.

I don't see why you're
being so stubborn.

The grandson
should get the money.

I still say blood is
thicker than water.

So is toothpaste.

Now, now, ladies, there's
no reason to get personal.

Mrs. Carter has a
right to her opinion.

Thank you,
Mr. Miller. Thank you.

The judge said that we should
be sure beyond reasonable doubt,

and I have a lot of reasonable
doubt that I'm not sure beyond.

Would you just listen to
her "reasonable doubt?"

She thinks she's Henry
Fonda and Twelve Angry Men.

Well, if you remember,

at first Henry Fonda
was the only hold out,

and eventually everybody came
around to his way of thinking.

Well, I hate to be the one
to break the news to you.

But, Henry Fonda, you ain't.

How are we doing folks?
Have reached the verdict yet?

Not yet.

Well, it's eight o'clock
and the building is closing.

Yea!

We get to go home.

Now, hold it, hold it.

The judge wants you
all locked for the night.

Locked up!

Thanks a lot, Mrs. Carter.

There goes my ballgame.

There goes my anniversary.

There goes my heavy date.

There goes my chance to be
Mrs. Marvin Winterbottom, III.

Does that hotel
have room service?

Yes, ma'am.

Good, because the first
thing I'm going to do is

call for a double order
of tar and feathers.

Here you are, ma'am.

Thank you.

Come in.

Here's your roommate.

I got the short straw.

I hope you ladies like the room.

Well, it isn't exactly the
bridal suite of the Bel Air Hotel.

Bridal suite.

You sure know how to throw
the zingers in, don't you?

Now, you know you're
not to discuss the case.

Oh, don't worry. She's
barely speaking to me anyway.

And you are not allowed
to read newspapers,

and we've taken out the TV.

Taken out the TV?

Yes, ma'am. We're afraid
it might influence you.

Huh! Nothing
could influence her.

Well, I'll be right out in
the hall if you need me.

Good night. Have
a pleasant evening.

Have a pleasant
evening... with you?

Talk about bliss brutality.

Well, regardless of
how you feel about me,

it looks as if we're
stuck here for the night.

Boy, I sure wish you
were Henry Fonda.

There's no use being nasty.

Oh, sure. Why should
I hold the grudge?

After all, you just
ruined my entire life.

There you go again.

Look, if Marvin Winterbottom III

has made up his mind
to propose to you tonight,

then he will propose to you
the next he takes you out, right?

Wrong.

Why?

Marvin is like a locust.

He gets the mating
instinct every seven years.

Well, maybe if you wait
another seven years,

he'll come hopping
back into your life.

By that time, we'll
both be too old to hop.

Oh, come on. You have
lots of chances to get married.

Oh, sure. Go to tell
that to my mother.

You know, she is so
desperate to get me married.

When I turned 25
and was still single,

she had my name legally
changed to Poor Joan.

The woman had a sign
built for our front lawn,

"Last Girl Before Freeway."

I mean, she doesn't
stop at anything.

A new doctor moved
into the neighbor, right.

Mama found he was single
and orthopedic surgeon.

Do you know what she did?

Closed the piano lid
right on my fingers.

Oh sure.

Easy for you to laugh.
You're lucky, you're a widow.

That must be my brother-in-law.

Oh, excuse me.
As my mother says,

is he single?

Yeah, but he is not your type.

How do you know?

He is not anybody's type.

Yes, Harrison.

Oh, hello, Lucille.

I brought over all the
things you asked for.

Thank you.

Uh, this Joan Reynolds.

Joan, my brother-in-law,
Harrison Carter.

- Nice to know.
- How do you do?

Joan is on the jury with me.

Oh, that's nice.

Oh, I brought some extra clothes

in case you're stuck
here for a couple of weeks.

Thank you.

A couple of weeks?

Well, I heard on the news that
the jury was deadlock 11 to 1.

Why? Are you
holding out, Lucille?

We're not allowed
to discuss the case.

And, how did you know?

Oh, gosh.

You know, if she gets
something stuck in her craw,

you may be here all winter.

- Whoopi.
- Yeah.

Oh, I almost forgot.

I stopped at the drugstore to
get you a couple of magazines.

They're all they had.

Oh, great.

Fisherman's Quarterly
and the TV Log.

Well, I'll better be going.

Good bye, Miss Reynolds.
Nice meeting you.

Oh, if I don't see you
before... Merry Christmas.

Well, what do you
want to read about?

Well, we're going to catch
it. We're going to watch.

Oh!

Oh, "wah" yourself and
get off, that's my bed.

What size did you say you were?

Uh, eight.

What are you doing?
You can't go to bed.

It's just a quarter past nine.

Well, there's
nothing else to do.

I've already read the plot
to all of tonight's TV shows

and how to set myself up in a
business of selling fishing worms.

What am I going to
do? I'm a night person.

What am I going
to do until midnight?

Well, we could talk.

One thing we can't talk about
is the case the bailiff said.

But, we could get to know
more about each other.

I know enough about you already.

I'm going to bed.

Oh, what happened?

What do you mean what
happened? I washed my hair.

Oh, really? Where did
you hang it up to dry?

Sure. Look, who's talking?

Miss Natural Red-head.

Well, that just
happens to be true.

Of course.

You just dyed the roots
black to look different.

I think I'll go to
bed. Good night.

Good night.

Oh, boy, it's hot in here.

- Oh, no, you don't.
- Oh, yes, I do.

- Oh, you don't.
- Oh, yes, I do.

- What's that!
- Where?

Now, look, what you did.

What I didn't?

It serves you right.

Well, now, maybe, it will
be cool enough in here.

Who's that?

Are you all right?

We heard an awful crash in here.

Oh, what happened?

Oh, she's also
stubborn about windows.

Ha, don't let her fool you.

There's a lot of power in
those scrawny little arms.

And would like to see exactly what
these scrawny little arms can do?

Go ahead!

- Put up your dukes.
- Go ahead!

Oh, ladies now stop.

Hey, come on, come
on. Cut it out now, ladies.

Come on now. Cut it out.

We're not supposed to be in
here like this. The bailiff will hear us.

Oh, he is snoring his head off.

Did you have any luck
changing her mind?

No way.

Oh, I knew it.

She's going to keep holding out.

We're going to be in this crummy
hotel through the whole football season.

I just wish we could
talk about it some more.

Well, so do I because
frankly I suspect...

No, Mrs. Carter,
that's against the rules.

We're only supposed to
discuss the case in the jury room.

But, Mr. Miller,
I suspect that...

Not another word.

All right, we can't talk about it,
but nobody says we can't act it out.

Act it out?

Yeah, you know, charades.

Oh, I don't know.

But why not?

Maybe she can communicate
better with her mouth shut.

Well.

Oh, come on. Why not?

- Come on, let's settle down.
- Yes.

Come on, Lucy.

- You could show us.
- OK.

Come on, sit. Sit down.

- OK now, Lucy.
- All right. Shh.

Show us what you mean.
Who do you suspect?

Chicken?

You suspect somebody's chicken?

Turkey? Turkey?

Rooster?

Fowl?

Fowl. Right on the nose.

- Fowl. Fowl. Fowl.
- Fowl. Fowl. Fowl.

- ba*ls! Foul ba*ls!
- You suspect somebody has fouled out?

Foul weather?

Foul play? You
suspect foul play?

Right on the nose.

New idea. New idea.

All right. All right.
Start again. Yeah.

A person walking a dog?

An old person?

- A very old person?
- Old man Covington?

Old man Covington is asleep.

On the nose.

New idea. New idea. New idea.

A chin? Along chin?

Along chin? Beard, beard, beard?

Santa's beard?

- Smith Brothers?
- Santa Claus?

Kentucky Colonel?

- Somebody with a beard?
- The grandson?

The grandson has a beard?

On the nose. Terrific.

The grandson, all
right. The grandson.

- The grandson.
- The grandson.

Doesn't know.

The grandson doesn't know.

The grandson doesn't know what?

Grandson doesn't know...

He doesn't know...

He doesn't know how
to eat corn on the cob.

Picking, picking.

Reading.

The grandson is
reading the... the...

Reading the will! The
grandson is reading the will.

The grandson doesn't
know about the will.

The second will.

Oh, the grandson doesn't
know about the second will.

Terrific.

He's reading... and he doesn't
know about the second will.

He knows about the first
will, not the second. All right.

- The grandson.
- The grandson.

The grandson
is a little strange.

The grandson...

- Fly.
- Plane.

Oh, the grandson
flies in from Europe.

Yea!

- The grandson.
- The grandson.

Walks.

Opens the door.

Tiptoes.

He's in tiptoes down where?

In Old Man Covington's room.

- Sleeping.
- Sleeping.

Old man coming is asleep.

- Touches him.
- Taps him on the shoulder.

He wakes him up.

He wakes him up,
he stands him up.

The grandson, what, what?

The grandson has
got something up.

It's a surprise behind his back.

What does he got for surprise?

It's a candy! A candy.

Candy, right.

The grandson has
the candy. On the nose.

Now, now, yes.

Got this candy.

He's offering the
candy... to the grandfather.

He offers candy to
Old Man Covington.

- Yes, yes, now.
- You're Old Man Covington.

He takes a piece.

And he starts to eat the candy
and he doesn't want the candy.

Why he doesn't want it?

There's something
wrong with the candy.

He's on a diet!

What's wrong with the candy?

- What's the matter with the candy?
- Something's a matter with it.

Poison!

It's poison candy.

He poisoned him.

The grandson takes the candy.

Shoves it. Shoves it
in Old Man Covington.

He forces the old man
to eat the poison candy.

Old Man Covington is dying.

He is sick.

He's sicker.

He's sickest.

Old Man Covington
kicked the bucket.

Ladies and gentlemen,

after our little gathering
last night in the hotel

where we did not
discuss the case,

Mrs. Carter raised the
possibility of foul play,

a point well taken.

Now, perhaps, this has
changed our thinking,

and maybe we should
have another vote.

If you wish to vote in favor of
the first will and the grandson,

George Covington, vote yes.

If on the other hand you
wished to vote for the second will

and the nurse, Susan
Bartlett, vote no.

I vote no.

No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No.

Yes.

Wait, wait, wait a minute.

I know what sounds funny
but last night I got to thinking.

I may be wrong about
my foul play theory.

That was pretty far-fetched,

besides blood is
thicker than water.

Ooh.

You get the tar.
I'll get the feathers.

Now, just a minute, group.

Now just a minute.
Bailiff, Judge, Governor!