06x14 - Lucy Plays Cops and Robbers

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy

Starring: Lucille Ball

Co-starring: Gale Gordon

and Lucie Arnaz

There now.

Oh, would you care for
some more cake, Mr. Barker?

I would.

You've had enough, Lionel.

Sorry, Lionel.

Hi, mom. Hi everybody.

- Oh, hi sweetheart.
- Hi, Kim.

Listen mom, I cancelled
a big date tonight.

I hope this meeting
is important.

It is very important.

The police are
coming over to tell us

how everybody in
this neighborhood

can band together for
protection against burglars.

So what did you call me for?

I don't even live in this
neighborhood anymore.

So you moved out,
it's only temporary.

Mother, I've had my own
apartment for over a year and a half.

That's what I said,
it's only temporary.

Come on now sit down,

it won't hurt you to learn
how to protect yourself.

Mrs. Carter, what kind of
things are we supposed to do?

Well, I don't know all the
details, but for one thing,

we're supposed to keep an
eye on the comings and goings

- in the whole neighborhood.
- Oh.

Violet has been
doing that for years.

Never mind, Lionel.

Do you think they'll fingerprint
us and take mug shots?

Oh no, no, we're the good guys
and the burglars are the bad guys.

Oh.

Oh, here they are.

Oh, relax everybody
it's only Harry.

Hi, Uncle Harrt.

- Hi, Kim.
- Hi, Mary Jane.

This is my brother-in-law,
Harrison Carter.

- Harry, this is
Mr. and Mrs. Barker.
- How do you do?

Mr. and Mrs. Shackelford.

How do you do?

Lucille, I hope this meeting
doesn't go on too long,

I just got my first
colored TV set

and I planned on
staying home to watch

Elizabeth Taylor in Cleopatra.

Oh that Liz,

she can ride on
my barge anytime.

Harry, I really can't believe
you've been watching television

in black and white
all these years.

You're really the
king of the cheap-o's.

Well, I must admit it
makes it difference.

Did you know that AstroTurf
is green and not gray.

Yes.

And you'll be thrilled to
discover that Walter Cronkite

has baby blue eyes.

Oh, here they
are. Here they are.

- Mrs. Carter?
- Yes.

I'm Officer Spencer
and this is Officer Riggs.

Oh, won't you come in, please.

Everybody,

I'd like you to meet Officer
Spencer and Officer Riggs,

- these are my neighbors.
- How do you do?

And her daughter.

Oh yes, and my daughter.

Kim.

Kim.

You can address us from here.

Right from there.

All right.

Well, ladies and gentlemen,
we are very happy to be here.

Well, we're
certainly very happy.

The program we're
hoping to help you instigate

is called the
neighborhood watch.

That's a good name,
the neighborhood watch.

It's citizen participation

in a self-help battle
against burglaries.

Now, on the average,

there's a burglary committed in
this country every 15 seconds.

Every 15 seconds?

My goodness...

Can you believe that?

And now, we feel
this can be prevented.

The first thing you can do

is become acquainted
with your neighbors.

Be alert.

For instance, if you
know they're away

and you see an obvious
invitation to a burglar,

well correct it.

Like, you can remove the
accumulation of newspapers

on the front lawn and also...

There's goes 15 seconds.
There goes another heist.

Well, I wonder where it was.

I wonder who it was.

I wonder what they took.

Can you believe it?

[TALKING AT THE SAME TIME]

Everybody hold it.

Now, would you please be seated?

Oh yes. Sit down everybody.

Now, where was I?

You were picking up
newspapers off somebody's lawn.

Oh yes.

Now, we feel that it is very
important to be suspicious

of any strangers in
your neighborhood

and we found
that it's a good idea

to tell your neighbors if
you're planning to leave town

then if they say anything
unusual they call the police.

Well, you can start keeping
an eye on our house right away

because Lionel and I
are flying to San Francisco

just as soon as
this meeting is over.

My daughter, Caroline, is
having a baby any minute.

Really? How exciting.

Yes. Her husband, Fred,
called us just this morning.

What do they
want, a boy or a girl?

Well, she wants a girl, but
her husband wants a boy.

- Maybe they'll have twins.
- Maybe they'll have twins.

I think we've been
riding together too long.

Now, getting back to our little

citizen participation
program here.

It's a good idea to
have an engraving tool.

- An engraving tool?
- Yes.

So you can mark your valuables,

you know, your TV, your radios,

cameras and other things

- with the number
on your driver's license.
- Oh.

This makes the articles
harder to dispose of.

Oh. Yeah.

We brought along
some literature here

- that we would like to have
you look over and pass them...
- Pass them out.

There you are.

That's very nice. Thank you.

Now, are there any questions?

Yes, I want to know if all
the policemen on the force

are as cute as you two?

Oh Mary Jane,

policemen don't
like to be called cute.

No, that's OK.

It's a welcome change
from some of the other things

we've been called.

Well, if you'll excuse me,

I have to get home
to Elizabeth Taylor.

Oh goodbye, Harry.

- Bye Harry.
- Bye.

Is he really going home
to Elizabeth Taylor?

Oh sure, the only thing
that stands between them

is a husband and a


Harry!

Maybe I can catch the
last half hour of Cleopatra.

I thought you're going
to watch the movie

on your new colored
set, what happened?

Remember tonight when
you said, 15 seconds,

there goes another heist?

Everybody wanted
to know where it was,

who it was and what they took?

Yes.

Well, it was my house,
me and my new TV set.

Oh Harry, what a shame.
Did you call the police?

Yes, yes, I called the police.

Oh, don't worry too much.

Don't be discouraged about
it, they'll find it probably...

Please Lucille, be quiet.

I just love this entrance
that Liz makes...

Oh... beautiful. Ooh.

Will you get out of here?

Harry!

Will you be quiet?

Harry, listen.

What do you think you're doing?

Harry, the lights are
on at the Barkers.

So?

So, the Barkers said they
were going to leave for the airport

right after the meeting.

There's somebody at their house,

I'm calling the police.

And for this you turned off
the woman who turns me on?

My that movie was fascinating.

Yes, she was, wasn't she.

Oh Harry, why don't you give up?

You know Elizabeth
Taylor is married.

True. But she's been
married five times

maybe she'd like to
try for a round number.

Well, if she does, you're
certainly a round number.

Ha-ha-ha... very...

- Oh, hi.
- Hi.

Please come in.

We understand you called about

a light in a house
across the street?

Yes, I did.

Did you find somebody
at the Barker's?

Yes, the Barker's?

What do you mean?

I thought they were
in San Francisco

because their daughter,
Caroline, having a baby.

Well, their son-in-law called
and told them not to come,

they're not expecting the
baby for a couple a more days.

Well, did you find
my TV set yet?

Did you catch the
guy who took it?

We saw the report,

apparently there's
nothing on it yet.

Well, what is the
department doing?

I reported it 45 minutes ago.

No, I can't speak for
the rest of the men,

but Riggs and I have been
over the Barker's discussing

the pros and cons
of natural childbirth.

Caroline is for it, but
Mrs. Barker is against it.

And you should know the trouble

she had talking
Caroline out of hypnosis.

Yeah. How do
you feel about that?

Well, as far as hypnosis
is concerned, I really..

Look, gentlemen,
I'm terribly sorry.

I want to apologize
for calling you

out here on a wild goose chase.

Oh that's OK;

we want you to feel free
to call on us at any time.

Yeah besides we're all set
now if anyone ever decides

to have a baby in our car.

- Well, we've got to be going.
- Yes. Yes.

We don't want to keep you
here discussing childbirth

when you should be
out trying to catch the guy

who stole my TV set.

You're right.

You can't miss it fellows,

it's a 23-inch colored set
remote control. You'll see it.

And there are tear stains on it

from when he'd
made the first payment.

Oh hi, Uncle Harry.

Hello, Kim dear.

What's all this?

Well, I've brought
all my valuables over,

so I could put my
license number on it.

What do you listen to
on this, Amos and Andy?

That radio is in
excellent shape.

It works perfectly.

Now, where's the engraving tool?

Oh, I'm sorry, Uncle Harry,

I borrowed it from mom
and left it over my apartment.

Oh, well I'm coming over
here to watch TV anyway.

Where is your mother?

She just went down to the
corner to get some ice cream.

Oh good, we can have some

while we watch the
Wednesday night movie.

Oh swell.

- Kim.
- Mom.

Put this in the refrigerator,
I'm going to call the police.

Oh, what are you
calling them for now?

Because there's a very strange
man sitting in the park car

right outside the
Shackelford house.

What flavor of ice
cream did you get?

The flavor of the month;
pumpkin peanut butter fudge.

Yuck.

You call the man strange?

That man is there when I
went to the ice cream store

and he was still there
when I came back,

now he's definitely
up to no good.

Now Mother, there might be a
very logical explanation for all this.

You heard what the officer said,

be suspicious of strangers
in your neighborhood.

Hello police, this is
Mrs. Lucille Carter,



Yes.

I want to report a very
suspicious stranger.

Yes.

Come on now
Uncle Harry, admit it,

pumpkin peanut butter
fudge is really delicious.

Well, the peanut butter
and the fudge are OK,

but I think they left a
candle in the pumpkin.

Well, if you don't
want yours, I'll eat it.

Oh, you'll eat anything;

you are an ice cream
freak among other kinds.

Oh hi, come in.

Well, now what a nice surprise.

I called the police

but I didn't expect
to get you two again.

Well, I guess it's
just our lucky week.

Yeah. When you're
hot, you're hot.

Well, did you find out who
the suspicious stranger was

in front of the Shackelfords?

Yes, we did.

He was a crook wasn't he?

No, as a matter
of fact he wasn't.

I knew it, Lucille.

Congratulations Mother,
you've done it again.

Now, just a minute, I know
criminal when I see one.

He was all scrunched
down in the seat

and he had eyes like slits.

He looked like fiend.

Well, actually, he was
Mrs. Shackeford's brother

who just come down from Berkeley,
just driven down unexpectedly

and was waiting for
them to get home.

Oh, my goodness.

And the reason he
was all scrunched down

with his eyes like slits
was he was asleep.

Well, so much for
fiend identification.

I'm so embarrassed.

I got you out here
again for nothing.

But you told me to call if
I saw anything unusual.

That's right.

You did.

Well, we better
get back to work.

Yeah. About my TV, any news yet?

Nothing on it yet, I'm afraid.

Yeah. But don't worry

it's on the list of the 10
most wanted TV sets.

I never knew policemen
could so funny.

In the way things are
going on around here,

we're going to need all
the laughs we can get.

- Say goodnight Spence.
- Goodnight Spence.

Uncle Harry, there's
still a lot of snow on it,

jiggle the wire to the
antennae thing some more.

OK.

Uncle Harry, the
snow is all gone.

Good.

But now there's a
big double image.

Jiggle it some more.

- Kim.
- Ah!

Kim, listen.

Don't be alarmed,
but we got a prowler.

- What?
- Yeah. He's on the roof

and he's been trying to get in
one of the upstairs windows.

Well, mom that's not a prowler.

Don't tell me he's not a prowler

I saw him right outside
my bedroom window.

I already called the police.

- Oh, no.
- Listen, Kim...

All right, come
down off that roof!

I got you covered.

What?

- We got him, Mrs. Carter.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

Let go of me...

Harry, was that you up there?

It wasn't the
fiddler on the roof.

Sorry Mr. Carter, we
didn't recognize you.

I suppose she was
the one who called you?

Who else?

Well, I thought
you were a prowler.

Say you two certainly
got here in a hurry.

Oh, we were parked
right around the corner

waiting for your call.

Nice work.

Oh, I'm sorry Harry.

Uh well, as long
as you're both here;

would you like some
coffee and cake?

It sounds good.

Would like some coffee and cake?

No, thank you, I'm leaving.

I'm going home and
fix myself a stiff drink.

Mom, why don't you go
get the coffee and cake?

All right, dear.

And why don't you
come help me, dear.

You know, this is a very
attractive living room.

And her daughter
ain't bad either.

Hmm. Yeah, I'm glad
you like them both

because apparently
we're going to spend

the rest of our lives here.

Lucille, will you hurry up.

I'm just putting on
my lipstick, Harry.

Never mind the lipstick;

no one will see it inside
a dark movie theater

for heaven's sake. Come on.

You know how I hate to get
in after the picture started.

All right, Harry. All right.

You're always late. I
don't know why it is.

Lucille, how could
you forget your glasses

when you knew we were
going to see a picture.

Well, you just be
glad that I thought of it

while we were still
just a few blocks away.

- I'm glad, very glad.
- Where did I leave them?

Harry look, I've been robbed.

Worse than that,
I've been robbed.

I'm calling the police.

Wait a minute, he
may still be here,

let's call the police
from the neighbors.

Oh Harry, no, no, no,
look he's gone by now,

we mustn't surprise him, he
heard us coming in the door.

Good, now he can hear
me running out the door.

- Chicken!
- Oh.

Hello Police, this is
Lucille Carter at 486...

Oh, that's right, you
already have my address.

Well, I've been burglarized,

would you send
somebody over right away?

Thank you.

Oh, my good candlesticks, oh.

Ah... ah... ah...
ah... ah... ah...

Now look, will you please,

please not steal these
silver candlesticks,

they've been in
my family for years.

Oh, I'm sorry lady, but
I tell you what I will do.

I will let you keep the


and I'll keep these.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome... oh no.

I bet you thought you
we’re going to go next door

and call the cops.

Well, I wouldn't think
doing a thing like that.

Oh, I know you wouldn't

because you're going
to be locked in the closet.

I don't want to be
locked in the closet.

I don't... Honest, I
will call the police.

See, I won't even fit.

- Have you got another closet?
- Yeah, right there.

Thank you.

Oh, I don't want.

Please, don't put
me in a closet, no!

Now, listen, not a peep
out of you or you know what.

What?

Lucille? Lucille?

You're right Lucille,
I am being chicken.

Lucille the burglar is gone now.

Ah! No!

What have you done with Lucille?

- She's in the closet.
- Oh.

Would you care to join her?

Do I have a choice?

No.

You don't realize who I am.

Please get your hands off of me.

I have claustrophobia.

I'm not going in that
closet under any condition.

Gee, it's locked I
can't go in there.

- Well...
- Oh well.

Unhand me! Take your hands...

Oh!

Hi Harry, nice
of you to drop in.

This is the thanks I get
coming back to help you.

I tell you. I have
claustrophobia.

I go right out of my
mind closed in like this.

I'll have the screaming meemies.

- I can't stand it.
- Shh...

Oh, thanks I needed that.

Mom, anybody home.

Ain't nobody here
but us burglars.

What did you do to my mother?

She's in the closet
with bigmouth.

Oh, you mean Uncle Harry?

Well, since you're here you
might as well join the party.

- Well, where we're going?
- In the closet.

- Oh, careful the nails.
- Oh I'm sorry.

- They're pretty.
- Thank you.

It's so long. How do
you play the piano?

I'm dying in here...

Yo-h*, Lucy, where are you?

Yo-h*, she's in the closet.

Oh, what's she
doing in the closet?

Why don't you go in and ask her?

Why should I go in the closet?

Because that's
where all the action is.

Oh.

I tell you I'm on my last leg...

Mrs. Carter.

Violet.

Violet. We can't go
barging at people's house.

Lionel, don't tell
me what... oh hi.

We saw all the cars out front;

we thought it might be a meeting
of the neighborhood watch.

Well you're right.

We're having a
meeting in the closet.

You see Lionel, what
I did... in the closet?

Yes. Would you
like to join them?

Oh, in the closet, huh!

All right.

Quiet in there
or you'll be sorry.

I got a lot of work to do.

Well, how long do you
suppose we have to stay in here?

Oh, I'm getting the
vapors, oh... oh... oh.

Violet. Violet.

Take your clammy
hands off me, Lionel.

Don't anybody panic.
I called the police.

They should be here any minute.

Mother, you've already
called the police so many times,

they probably won't
even believe you.

They might not come.

You're right.

Everybody panic.

Let’s not lose our heads.

I wonder if the
burglar has already left.

Help. Help. I can't breathe.

I can't breathe...

Let Harry out, let Harry out.

For a moment there I
thought it was a goner.

I saw my whole life
pass in front of my eye.

It must have been an ugly site.

It was, you in most of it.

Hey, I didn't hear
anything out there.

Maybe he's already gone.

Where are those police?
I got to get out of here.

I got to get out of
here! I got to get out!

Violet! Violet!

Shh.

Don't worry about that.

Let's talk about something else.

Yeah. Yeah. Let's talk
about something else.

Um...

Just hold it right there.

Freeze mister.

All right, he's clean.

How about this, after
three false alarms,

Mrs. Carter finally
hits the jackpot.

Well, listen if you don't
want to break the record

you could just let me go.

Get us out! Get us out!

Well, who's in there?

Mrs. Carter and practically
everybody she ever knew.

You know, I kind of
hate to open that door.

How was your meeting?