06x16 - Meanwhile, Back at the Office

[bunniefuu]

[Announcer] Here's Lucy.

Starring: Lucille Ball.

Co-starring: Gale Gordon

and Lucie Arnaz.

Yahoo, hi, Mom.

Hi, baby.

Well, how's all the
needlepoint going?

Oh, boy.

I've done enough needlepoint
to cover the whole valley.

You still haven't found
a new job yet, huh?

No.

Why did Uncle Harry have to
go and sell his business again?

Why? To make fast buck.

He'd sell anything
to make a profit

including his mother.

I was wondering why we hadn't
seen her around here lately.

Oh, honey. I sure hate
going out every day

pounding those pavements.

Well, don't feel too bad, Mom.

You know, it's very hard to
find a job when you're over... 35.

It's even harder
when you're over... 38.

Have you seen very
much of Uncle Harry?

Too much.

You know, if I was smart,

I'd get out of here
before he makes his

daily depressing visit.

He is still a lost soul, huh?

Yeah.

But I haven't lost him.

Hi, Harry.

Hi.

Hi, Uncle Harry.

Hi.

Why?

Why did I sell the business?

Why?

Look, try to cheer up, Harry.

You look like a recruiting
poster for Forest Lawn.

What have I got to
be cheerful about?

I have nothing to
do, nothing to live for.

You've got your money.

Money.

Even that isn't important now.

What am I saying?

Lucille, I am cracking up.

Oh, now, Harry, Harry, Harry.

I've been put out to pasture.

Well, you put
yourself out to pasture.

And will you please try
to be a little more cheerful

if you're going to
do your grazing here.

Honestly, Harry, I told
you not to sell the business,

but you wouldn't listen.

You are so stubborn.

That's right, that's
right. Rub it in.

Rub it in.

Hello?

Yes?

Oh, just a minute, please.

It's Mr. Richards, the
man you sold out to.

Oh?

He wants to talk to you, Mom.

Hello?

Yes, Mr. Richards.

Oh, I'd love to.

Tomorrow morning?

Oh, yes, sir.
I'll be there, sir.

Thank you,
Mr. Richards. Goodbye.

What did he say?
What did he say?

So, what did he say, Mom?

He said he can't get organized.

He fired his new secretary

and he wants me to report
to work in the morning.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Oh, boy.

I'll be joining the
working class again.

Isn't that great?

Lucille, I'm very happy for you.

And please, don't...
don't worry about me.

Don't worry at all.

Where are you going?

I'm just going to keep
walking west until my hat floats.

And in addition, Mrs. Carter,

I want you always to remember

that I have a
strict code of ethics

that I adhere to in
all business dealing.

Yes, sir.

And I also have definite opinions
on how an office should be run.

Yes, sir.

From my employees, I
expect efficiency, dignity,

and punctuality.

Would you settle
for two out of three?

I beg your pardon?

Just a little touch of humor.

I do not believe that humor
has a place in an office.

Yes, sir. Uh... no... Yes sir.

If I had wanted a funny secretary,
I would have hired Phyllis Diller.

Very wise choice, sir.

She's a very funny lady.

Now, Mrs. Carter,
as to your wages.

Will your former
salary be satisfactory?

Oh, yes, $200 a
week will be just fine.

Your former salary of
$150 will be even finer.

Yes, sir.

Well, you win a
few, you lose a few.

Not around here, you don't.

- Mrs. Carter...
- Yes, sir?

The Pentagon has been trying
to device the perfect secret code

that cannot be
broken by an enemy.

Oh really?

And I'm recommending
your filing system.

Now, where would
the Bradshaw file be?

Oh, the Bradshaw?

Uh, Bradshaw.

Oh, yes.

Bradshaw... under H.

And why is Bradshaw
filed under H?

Well, uh, when I first
met Mr. Bradshaw,

he told me about a
wonderful weekend

he'd had in San Francisco.

San Francisco?

H.

There must be more.

Well, naturally, I
always think of the song

I left my heart
in San Francisco.

I think you left your
head in San Francisco.

Now, the first thing
I want you to do

- is to reorganize the files.
- Yes.

And I just have a drastic
and revolutionary idea for you.

What's that, sir?

With the A's under A, the
B's under B, the C's under C,

and you do know
what comes after that?

Oh yes, yes, yes indeed. I...

Good morning,
Mr. Richards. Lucille.

Oh. Hi, Harry.

Carter, what can I do for you?

Well, nothing, actually.

No, I just drop in to
kind of look around and...

How things are going?

Quite frankly not very well.

Oh really?

Yes really.

Carter, I have a suspicion
that you oversold me,

that you drastically overstated

the potentialities
of this business.

Me, sir?

Oh, I would never
do a thing like that.

Yes you would.

I'm Sorry, it just slipped out.

I pegged you as
sort of a bounder.

A bounder, sir?

Bounder?

Oh... oh, that yes, yes, I am.

I am sort of a bounder sir,

but I am the kind of bounder who

very often hates himself
and wants to make amends.

- Amends?
- Yes, sir.

I will do the honorable thing

and buy the business
back from you,

if you are willing to
take a slight loss?

No.

Oh, uh... Well, then, I'll give
you the $25,000 you paid for.

No.

I'll give you a profit.

Make the deal right
now, Mr. Richards.

Get him while he's delirious.

Carter, I've never had a failure
and I don't plan to start now

in spite of the handicaps

I'm going to make a
go of this business.

Oh, sir. I do wish
you'd change your mind.

I wish you'd sell the
business back to me, sir.

You know, when a man has had
the business for all those years,

he's nurtured it,
he's weaned it,

he's watched it grow

and then in a moment of madness,

he lets it slip
through his fingers.

Oh, thank you.

Forgive me. I'm just
a sentimental old fool.

Mr. Richards, I
have a suggestion.

What?

Why not hire the
sentimental old fool?

Well, now, he sure
knows his way around.

He'll be able to get some
new accounts for you.

Would you consider it, sir?

Would you... would you... would
you... would you... would you?

I can't tell you
how anxious I am

to get back in the saddle again.

Very well.

I will give you a straight


Oh, come, come,
come, come, come.

Really, sir?

Would I, the original owner
and founder of this agency

stoop to accept such a
low financial arrangement?

Take it or leave it.

Harrison Carter,
reporting for duty, sir.

Well, welcome back, Harry.

Oh-oh, Lucille.

Oh, I'm so hap... I'm so...

Thank you, sir.

Well, thank you, very much.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir. I'll tell him, sir.

Thank you.

Good morning, Lucille.

Hi, Harry.

Uh-uh-uh...

I keep forgetting.

Oh, how the mighty have tumbled.

I feel like Napoleon
at Waterloo.

You look more like
Humpty Dumpty after the fall.

Out of that chair, Carter!

Mr. Richards,
sir. I'm sorry, sir.

I was only trying it out...

Oh, ha-ha-ha, Harry.

I couldn't resist it.

I couldn't...

Lucille, one of these
days, one of these days...

Pow! Right to the moon.

Oh, you bet. Yes.

- Good morning, Mr. Richards.
- Good morning, sir.

Good morning.

I would like a meeting
of the office force, please.

Now Carter, you hum
to yourself occasionally

and you drum your
fingers on the desk

when you use
Mrs. Carter's phone.

I find both habits
exceedingly irritating.

Yes, sir.

I'll stop humming
and drumming, sir.

And Mrs. Carter,
about your hair,

is there anything
you can do to dim it?

Dim my hair?

You could shave your head.

And in the future,
I want you both

to hang your things
in the broom closet.

I have designated this
the executive clothes tree.

Yes, sir.

Anything else, sir?

Yes, you could
make me some coffee.

Me, sir?

Yes you.

Oh me.

Oh, right away, sir.

Yes, I'd like some, too, Harry.

Oh, Mr. Richards?

Yes, sir?

Oh... Uh, Mr. Richards,
my name is Shelby.

Winston Shelby.

Now, I need some personnel
and I... I need them right now.

Yes, sir. That's
what we're here for.

Now, you see, I advertise
household appliances

- through the mail and
I only take orders by phone.
- Yes.

Well, that's it.

I need some telephone
clerks immediately.

Well, I think by this afternoon,

we ought to be able
to do it very well.

I said immediately.

I'm afraid that is impossible.

Well, I guess I came
to the wrong place.

Just... just a
moment, Mr. Shelby.

Sir, this business was
founded on the principle

that you give the
customer what he wants

even if it means
personal sacrifice.

How does that
apply in this case?

Well, sir, it means
that the three of us

should take over the jobs
until we can get replacements.

Are you suggesting that I,
the owner of this establishment,

should reduce myself to
the level of telephone clerk?

Ridiculous.

Absolutely ridiculous.

But... but... but listen,
listen, Mr. Richards.

I'm willing to pay $20
an hour to each of you.

What are you all
standing around for?

Let’s not keep
the client waiting.

Yes, sir.

Wow, look at all them phones.

Yeah.

Hey, Hank, what's the
name of the boss, again?

Shelby, Winston Shelby.

Now, do a good job and
he'll take care of you, huh?

OK, pal.

Could you explain me
the system once more?

I explained it to
you three times.

I got looks and charm.
I can't have everything.

OK, handsome, listen close.

Now, let's start
with the basics.

It's a bookie joint.
You know that, right?

Of course, I know
it's a bookie joint.

OK, your phone
rings. You answer it.

A voice says like,
"This is Mr. Brown.

I want to order
item number 52712."

Mr. Brown wants 52712, right?

Five is the amount he's betting.

Two, it's in the second race.

Seven, it's horse number 7

and one and two means
he's betting to win and place.

And if he's betting
win, place, and show,

the last numbers are 123.

Brilliant.

Hi, Mr. Shelby.

- This is my friend Billy
I was telling you about.
- Hi.

Hello, Billy.

Oh and this is Mr. Blake
my sales manager,

Mr. Richards, Mrs.
Carter, and Mr. Carter.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

All right, everybody.
Please find seats.

- Just sit anywhere...
- Anywhere you want.

Look at all these phones.

How about you sit here, Harry?

Yeah, right, thank you.

My... Mr. Shelby. Let
me get this straight.

Now, all we have to do is
write down the customer's name

and the number of the
household appliances,

- is that right?
- Correct.

We have an exclusive
list of the customers

- and their addresses
are all on file.
- Uh-huh.

How can we tell
which phone is ours?

Well, you'll get to
recognize the ring.

Oh.

Looks like we
all... Whose is that?

Sounds like one of yours, Red.

Uh, hello?

Hello?

Oh, hello?

Yes, Mr. Clark?

Uh, 20-4-5-1.

Yes, sir.

Well, thank you very much
for your patronage, Mr. Clark.

We hope you'll think of us
again sometime when you...

That's not necessary.

Oh, goodbye.

He was a very nice man.

Now, you take your slip,

initial it, and put in that box.

- Initial it?
- Yes.

Whoever has the most
slips at the end of the day,

gets a hundred-dollar bonus.

A hundred-dollar bonus?

That's right.

Alright, I'm going to
be in the next room.

- Just call me if you need me.
- OK.

This are mine phones.

Who's is that?

- Hello?
- Hello?

It's mine. I got it! I got it!

It's his. It's his.

I still think this is a funny way
to sell household appliances.

Well, who cares?

- We're getting $20 an hour.
- Yeah.

- And a chance to the
hundred-dollar bonus.
- Yeah.

- Hello?
- Hello?

Yeah. Hello?

Hello, huh?

Hello?

- That's mine... That's mine.
- Hello?

I said, that's mine.

- Hello, 5-4-7...
- That's mine. 5-4-7...



Yes, Mr. Fraser.

Yes, thank you very much.

- Hello?
- Hello?

Hello?

Hello? Oh yes.

Yes, sir. Yes, yes, Mr. McGee.

Uh, 12-3-8-2-1.

How's that?

Well, I don't know, sir.

Gee, that was a funny question.

He wanted to know if
it was good in the mud.

Hello?

- Hello...
- Yeah...

Hello?

Does anybody here speak Spanish?

I do. I do a little.

- You speak Spanish?
- Yeah.

Uh, buenos dias.

Oh, si, Mr. Santiago.

Uh... cinco, ocho, quatro, uno.

Si, si...

Ah... que sera, sera.

Hello?

Oh yes, Mr. Thomas.

Uh-huh. 5-1-5-1-2.

Yeah... How's that?

Scratches?

Well, if it's scratched, just
send it back to the factory.

They will refund your money.

Hello?

- Hello, - Hello, yeah.



What are they running on?

AC/DC, just plug
them in any place.

Boy, silly questions they ask.

I wonder how many I have here?

- Hello?
- Hello?

Yeah, yeah. I can take that...

That's mine. That's mine.

Now cut... don't you grab mine.

Harry, please.

Yes, sir.

No, I'm sorry, sir.
We were interrupted...

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, Billy, we got
company coming.

You have what? Yes...

What was that all about?

Well, they've got
company coming.

Funny way to take company.

Alright, hold it right there.

Get those phones off the hook.

What is going on here.

What are you doing?
What are you doing?

All right. Now,
you're all under arrest.

Under arrest? Well,
we hadn't done anything.

What did we do?

Quiet! Who's in charge here?

Uh, well, Mr. Shelby,

but he just left he had
some company coming.

Uh... uh... uh, we,
uh, work for him.

Oh, yeah, yeah. He's our boss.

Yes, that's right.

When will you
wise guys ever learn

that you can't get away
with running a bookie joint?

- Bookie joint?
- Bookie joint?

Oh, good morning, sir.

Good morning, sir.

A meeting of the
office force, please.

Now, about the five
hundred-dollar fine

that I had to pay for the
three of us for bookmaking.

Well, uh, that... that's all
part of running the show, sir.

That's true.

The boss does has certain
obligations to his staff.

That's what you think.

Wait until you hear about
my new payroll deduction plan.

Deduction plan?

Yes, every week from now
on, you're going to find...

Good morning.

- Good morning.
- Oh, oh, good morning, madam.

Good morning,
madam, come right in.

I'm Mr. Richards, the owner.

Come right down here

and just tell me what I
can do to make you happy.

Could you repeat that please?

I said just tell me what I
can do to make you happy?

Uh-huh-huh-huh.

That's just wonderful.

I haven't heard a man say
that to me in over 30 years.

Oh, tell me about what can
we do to serve you, Mrs., uh...

Mrs. Veir Pont Skyler

of the South Pasadena
Skyler's, you know?

Oh, yes, yes. Of course.

Yes, I was wondering if you
could take care of my kitty-cat

for me while I go
away this weekend.

Well, babysit for
a cat, Mrs. Skyler.

- I don't think we could possibly...
- Here, here, here, here, here.

Here now.

Now, you're just going
to love the little dear one

once you see him.

Bentley, oh, hurt herself.
Forgot to turn it down.

You can bring Nell in now.

Here he comes.

Get that, get that,
beast out of here.

What beast?

Oh, nonsense.
He's perfectly tame.

Why, he was brought up by milk.

So, was I but I eat meat now.

Get that beast out of here.

Yeah. Well, I
think he's very cute.

He certainly is
cute, yes, indeed.

Now, he's just a
cuddly little old kitty-cat.

Now, you go ahead
and show him Bentley,

how cuddly and kitty he is.

There you see?

Oh, oh, ha-ha-ha!

Oh, well... Oh, he...
he really is cute.

This is... this is ridiculous.

We can't take care of
your... Your kitty-cat.

You think that's ridiculous.

You should have seen
what he just did with his tail.

Well, Mr. Richards,
remember the agency is slogan,

Give The Customer What He Wants

even if it means
personal sacrifice.

Now, we'll be glad to take
care of your kitty-cat for you,

Mrs. Skyler.

- Yeah, but I said...
- Yes, yes.

I'm glad to hear that.

Now, Bentley here will leave you
all the instructions that you need

on feeding and
grooming and what.

And I'll just see you
all next week now.

Any fee you charge will be
perfectly satisfactory, you know,

because I'm loaded.

Oh, I will see you all later.

Goodbye, little dear one.

I'm going to miss
you a whole lot.

Don't worry about it
now. His house is broken.

He broke three
houses last week alone.

That does it...

I am fed up with
this cuckoo business

and all the weirdos in it.

Carter, I am selling
it back to you.

You are?

Yeah, just send me a check
for what I paid you and it's yours.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye, sir. Goodbye.

Uh-h*, it's all mine again.

Isn't that wonderful?

Ah...

Lucille, if you think I'm going
to take that money for a walk,

you are out of your mind.

Now, just calm down, Harry.

We did it all for you.

Did all what for me?

- Well...
- What's the matter, Uncle Harry?

Aren't you happy because
you've got your little office back?

Kim!

Is that you in there?

You ain't just a woofin'.

You, too, put this on
just to get rid of Richards?

Yeah, well, Harry, when
I saw how upset he was

about the bookmaking,

well, we figured
one more wild thing

and he'd be ready
to really give up.

Yes, so then I
thought about Bentley

and his adorable little pet.

- Oh yeah.
- Yes, thank you, Bentley.

You and kitty-cat
did a great job.

You sure did. Thanks.

- Bye-bye, kitty-cat.
- So long, Neil.

- Bye-bye kitty-cat.
- Bye-bye.

Bye-bye kitty-cat. Bye-bye.

Oh, he's adorable.

Lucille, sometimes, you
are a beautiful person

and I don't know how
to make it up to you two.

Well, you could start by taking
the little old lady out to lunch.

Yeah and take the little
old lady's mother, too.

Yeah.

My pleasure, ladies.