06x18 - Lucy, the Sheriff

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here is Lucy.

Starring Lucille Ball.

Co-starring Gale Gordon.

Got you! Got you! Got you!

Well, that guppy is
putting up quite a fight.

You know Lucille,
with this new gear,

there isn't a trout
that's going to be safe

west of the Rockies.

Oh, now hear this, hear this,

last chance for all you trout
to sign up for life insurance.

Have you decided where you're
going on your vacation, Harry?

- Yeah. I think I'll go
back to the Rogue River.
- Oh?

Did I ever tell you about the
time I almost caught Old Splasher?

Old Splasher, yeah
Harry, many times.

All the natives up around there,

they had been after that fish
for something like 10 years.

What a magnificent specimen.

It must have been
close to 22 pounds.

Oh, the last time,
it was 18 pounds.

They grow you know.

It was October '68.

I was fishing in the ripples
just below Sagamore Falls.

I had just thrown
out this little spinner

- on 2 and a quarter pound
test line.
- Hmm-hmm.

- I gripped like that and...
- Yeah.

And bam! He hit it!

He... the monster
was on the end.

I couldn't hold and it... it went
one way downstream and...

Oh, you should have
heard that line go out...

Oh, good morning, sir.

Oh, good morning, sir.

Say, what was that I interrupted,
the flight of the bumblebee?

No, that was
Mr. Carter's fishing reel

saying bye-bye to
a 22-pound trout.

Well, next time, I
hope you catch it.

Oh, thank you.

I'm Chuck Stewart.

Oh, I'm Harrison Carter.

This is my sister-in-law,
Lucille Carter.

How do you do, sir?

Howdy.

Say, I sure hope you
are the Lucille Carter

- I've been looking for.
- Oh?

I don't mind telling you,

I spent a lot of time
tracking you down.

Are you a law man?

No, no, no.

I'm the mayor of the town
of Cartridge Belt, Montana.

- Cartridge Belt, Montana?
- Montana.

Now Mrs. Carter,
this is very important.

What?

Did you have a great grandmother
named Flora Belle Orchid?

Yes, yes I did.

Wonderful, then you are
the one I've been looking for.

Well, after all these years,

the great granddaughter
of Flora Belle Orchid.

Is that good?

You bet it is.

Up around our part of the country,
Flora Belle Orchid is a legend.

Why, she was the first
lady sheriff of the west.

Really? I didn't know that.

The first lady sheriff?

That's right.

Amazing.

Your family on the
right side of the law.

Oh Harry.

- Now Mrs. Carter...
- Yes?

The town of Cartridge Belt is
going to celebrate its centennial

the beginning of next month

and as the great granddaughter
of Flora Belle Orchid,

we're inviting you to be
queen of our centennial,

an honorary sheriff
for a whole week.

- Wow, how exciting. Oh, I'd be delighted.
- Good.

- Now, I tell you what
we're going to do.
- Yeah.

- We're going to restore
the old part of town, - Yeah.

- make it look just like it did


- And then we're going to have a...
- Hold it, hold it, hold it,

I hate to be a party pooper
but I'm afraid I can't spare her.

You see, I'm taking
my vacation then.

Oh, Harry.

Oh, Mr. Carter,

but why don't you
come along with us.

Oh no, I'm afraid I
couldn't change my plans.

Mr. Carter, we got some
of the best trout fishing

in the world in Montana

and we would be proud to
have you as our guest too,

all expenses paid.

That sounds like a bribe, sir

and I like it. I like it.

Oh, Harry, you'll go...

Thank you folks.
Thank you very much.

And now, it's with a
great deal of pleasure

that I present the
great granddaughter

of our very own
Flora Belle Orchid,

the charming and
beautiful Lucille Carter.

Yea.

Lucille, with this hat,

I crown you queen
of our centennial.

Oh. Oh, thank you.

And with these
trusty six shooters

you will serve as our official
sheriff for a whole week.

- For a whole week?
- That's right.

And now, for your badge of
authority, to do the honors,

a popular sheriff who
is taking a few days off

now that he has such a
competent substitute, Bart Thomas.

- Oh, thank you.
- Good luck, Sheriff.

Thank you sir, thank you.

And now, now, how about
a speech from the sheriff?

Yeah!

Speech! Speech!

Thank you.

Thank you Mayor Stewart
and Sheriff Thomas,

distinguished guest

and all my new friends of the
wonderful State of Montana,

I want to thank you all
for inviting me up here

to be both a
queen and a sheriff,

that's quite a combination.

I must admit,

I didn't know about my great
grandmother Flora Belle Orchid

being a sheriff until I
heard it from the mayor.

I do remember hearing about a
great, great grandfather of mine.

He lived in Laramie, Wyoming

and he also brought
law and order to the town,

not by being a sheriff.

He brought law and order to
Laramie by leaving Laramie.

Yeah, he was known as
the fastest g*n in the West

but the poor fellow passed
away when he was only 25.

It seems he had an argument
with the fastest g*n in the East.

But I'm really very proud
to be of pioneer stock.

My ancestors came West in a
covered wagon in the early 1800s

and if I ever showed you
a picture of all of them,

you'd know why the
wagon was covered.

Well, I'm really, really...
I'm really happy to be here

and I hope you all
behave yourselves

because I sure don't know
how to use these things.

Oh! Oh!

That's all right, Lucille.

Don't worry Lucille,
they're loaded with blanks.

Oh. Well, thank goodness.

Lucille, with you as sheriff,

I'm sure we'll all sleep
at night like babies.

Oh, I hope so.

Come on folks.

And now...

Scared me to death.

Now, before the
band concert starts,

I would like to introduce the
other folks on the platform.

Now of course, you
all know this lovely lady

who has donated so generously

to our many civic projects,
Ms. Clara Simpson.

[singing] I love life
and I want to live

To drink of life's
fullness take all that it is

Ms. Simpson, no!

Ms. Simpson, that comes
later during the barbecue.

Oh.

And now folks, how
about a big hand

for the distinguished
brother-in-law of our new sheriff,

Mr. Harrison Carter.

And now, let me tell
you about the rest of the...

Rest your voice.

I can't tell you how
happy I am to be up here

as a guest of Mayor Stewart.

He tells me you have the
world's greatest trout fishing.

And speaking of trout fishing,

that reminds me of the time
that I was on the Rogue River.

I was fishing for
a monstrous trout

that had been sought
for years up there,

it was called Old Splasher...

Yeah, well hold it
right there partner.

Partner, partner.

Folks, I've heard
this story before

and you're going to thank me
for my first official act as sheriff.

Carter, either you go sit down

or I'm going to arrest you
for disturbing the peace.

All right but look, they
haven't heard the story...

And there is a $50
fine that goes with it.

I think I'll sit down.

You see folks,
nothing to worry about,

Sheriff Lucy has
everything under control.

Yea!

Oh, wasn't that great?

Oh Lucy, I've got
to hand it to you,

that parade you headed
up was the best we ever had.

You know, it's not every parade

that marches
through a livery stable.

Now I told you,
it wasn't my idea.

It was the horse's.

I think he had a
girlfriend in there.

Well, here it is Lucy,

just the way your
great grandma left it





Well, is it about time
those poor guys got out,

what are they in for?

Vagrancy.

- We're checking up on them.
- Oh.

And Lucy, here is that
scrapbook I was telling you about.

A lot of things in here
about your great grandma.

Oh, thank you.

Now, I've got some letters
to sign back at the office

so you stay here and
take charge of everything

- and I'll see you later.
- All right.

Mayor, you mean I'm
really the law around here?

You are the sheriff.

Don't worry, nothing
much ever happens.

Oh, I hope not.

- Bye.
- Bye-bye.

[whistles]

Well, look who
we got behind bars,

little Richie Burton
and Omar Sharif.

Simmer down boys.

I never thought I'd
ever whistle at a sheriff.

Hey babe,

the key is over
there on the desk,

you let us out and
I'll give you a big kiss.

He'll big you big kiss.

Come on get it, hurry up.

Will you stop jabbing me
with that blunder blunderbuss.

You keep your arms up

or I'm going to give
it to you both barrels.

Sheriff, I want this
varmint locked up.

Well, what did the varmint do?

I've done absolutely nothing.

You're asking for it, fatso.

- Ooh, you...
- Get em' up!

Ms. Simpson, Ms.
Simpson, what happened?

Butt out mayor, this
ain't your department.

He violated ordinance 32A.



Been on the books since 1894,

quote, "it is against the law
to wade on Simpson's pond

after 2:00 PM" unquote.

Well, wading after 2:00 PM,

what do you got to
say for yourself, fatso?

I was walking past her
house on my way to the stream

when gunslinger
here flew out at me.

I couldn't have gone wading,
there wasn't any water.

Just because we had a
drought and the pond dried up,

that's no excuse.

The law is the law.

Well, she's got
you dead to rights.

Yeah, let's get him in a
clink. Come on, go for that cell.

Back up, come on.

Oh no look, don't be...

Get back here,
back here, come on.

- All right.
- Go on, get in there.

Ms. Simpson, as mayor,
I want to congratulate you

for once again seeing
your duty and doing it.

I love life and I want to live.

And drink of life's
fullness, take all it can give.

I love life every moment...

Well, they better
keep her out of sight

when the squirrels start
gathering things for winter.

Well, she has done
a lot for this town

and we have just
learned to live with it.

Oh yeah, well, after all, you
can't throw rocks at Santa Claus.

That's right.

All right Lucille, you've
had your fun, let me out.

You know Harry, somehow,
you look real natural in there.

Now come on Lucille,
cut out the kidding.

Come on, let me out of here.

Not so fast. Not so fast.

After all, you have been
accused of first degree wading.

All right. Then will you let me
out on my own recognizance.

Well, that depends.

On what?

On what recognizance means.

Mayor, tell her to let me out.

She's the sheriff.

You heard him.

Oh, come one Lucille, please.

Lucille, please Lucille,
would you please, please?

That's more like it.

You got to learn how
to talk to us sheriff's.

Really, there are times...

Now Lucy, don't forget,

we're rehearsing the
bank holdup at 4:00.

You are rehearsing
a bank holdup?

Sure.

Tomorrow, we're going to
reenact the famous holdup

- at Benson's Bank.
- Oh.

That's what made
Flora Belle a legend.

And I'm Flora Belle remember?

Ah yes, remind me to
bet on the bank robbers.

Oh, watch it Bub,

or you'll be back in
the hoosegow again.

Come on Harry, I'll show
you how to get to those trout

without wading
through Simpson's pond.

Good, lead on, lead on.

What now?

I was thinking,

if you were the
sheriff in those days,

Billy the Kid would have
wound up being president.

Get out of here or go
back in the hoosegow.

Hey Sheriff, you let him
out, how about letting us out?

Oh yeah, we're
here on a bum rap.

We didn't do nothing.

Watch those double negatives.

Good afternoon, Sheriff.

Oh, good afternoon.

I baked a cake
for the prisoners.

I feel so sorry for
people who are locked up.

Oh.

Ah, just wait a minute,
wait just a darn little minute.

Now, I don't want to accuse
you of anything madam

but you might be trying to pull

one of the oldest
gags in the world.

This pretty cake could
have a very sharp file in it.

Oh, mercy me, nothing like that.

Well, I got to be sure.

I may be a tenderfoot

but nobody is going to
put nothing over on me.

You're such a nice sheriff.

I hope you all enjoy the cake.

Thank you.

Well, here you are.

Oh boy, a fine sheriff I am,

outsmarted by a sweet
little old lady with a hacksaw.

Now Lucy, quit blaming yourself.

It wasn't your
fault they escaped.

Besides, the state police have
roadblocks all over the place.

They'll pick them up.

Oh, I sure hope so.

You just concentrate on
being as good a Flora Belle

as you were during rehearsals.

OK. I'll really give it to them.

Good. All right folks.

Now folks, listen to me,

we are now going to recreate

the notorious holdup
at Benson's Bank

just as it happened


Yea!

And playing the part of
our very own Flora Belle

is our centennial queen

and honorary
sheriff, Lucille Carter.

Yea!

Now, if all of you spectators
will please cross the street,

take seats in the stand,
participants, get ready now.

Sheriff, take your place.

Come on fellows,
follow me to the bank.

Everybody ready?

Let it rip!

Sheriff! Sheriff!

Dirty Julius is in town
and he's robbing the bank.

They're robbing the bank.

They're robbing... oh...

What bank?

Speak to me Charlie, what bank?

Oh, that bank.

Oh!

Agh.

Boy, they must had a
Vaudeville act on the side.

Oh, what a low down skunk,
using a lady for a shield.

Look out Bertha, a mouse!

A mouse!

This is certainly keeping me
away from my needlepoint.

All right you low
down varmints...

You're supposed to fall down.

All right everybody,
stay right where you are,

this holdup is the real one.

Come on fellows,
stop fooling around.

What's going on
here? What's going on?

I said this holdup is for real.

Yeah, and they're real
b*ll*ts in these here g*ns.

Real b*ll*ts,

who are you going
to get to believe that?

Made a believer out of me.

Hey!

Are you two the
escaped prisoners?

- That's right.
- That's right.

All right everybody, get
your hands up in the air.

Come on now, let's
not have any heroes

or somebody is
going to get hurt.

Well now, you're not
going to get very far,

the state police have
roadblocks all over the place.

Thanks for telling us.

I just think we could get through
if we had ourselves a hostage.

Now come on,
ladies first, get going.

Harry, you're going to let
them get away with this?

Well, you heard
what the man said,

let's not have any heroes.

Come on lady
sheriff, start moving.

I think you better go, lady.

Happy centennial.

Make a posse.

Gin.

Well, you cheated.

I cheated?

Well, now that's awfully hard
to believe of a bank robber.

- Shut up!
- Shut up!

How about a three-handed game?

You're going to stay
tied up until it is dark

and then we three are
going to Canada together.

I can't go, I'm not
dressed for Canada.

Why don't you
give yourselves up?

The posse is probably
closing in on you right now.

- There's no posse.
- There is no posse.

What was that?

It's the posse.

She says it's the posse.

Come on, we better go
check, you go out back,

I'll take case the front.

I had an itch.

Well, you and your
itch ain't going nowhere.

Attention you in there!

Jake, Rusty, this
is Mayor Stewart,

you are completely surrounded.

Untie her.

Where did they come from, Jake?

We didn't see nobody out there?

There you go with your
double negatives again.

Send out Mrs. Carter

and come out with your hands up.

Now, be good boys
and do what he says.

We don't have to be good
boys because we got you.

Mayor!

I hear you.

If you want your sheriff
back in one piece, listen close.

Clear out of here
and see that nobody

keeps us from getting to Canada

and if we're not
bothered for two weeks,

we'll let her go.

No deal.

Let her go right now or
we're coming in sh**ting.

Oh yeah, if you
don't mind Mr. Mayor,

I'd rather go to
Canada for two weeks.

Well Jake, what
are we going to do?

Relax, he's bluffing.

We know you're not going to
do any sh**ting around her.

Now, clear out

and you'll get your
kooky red-head back

after we get to Canada.

OK, you win.

All right posse, we got
to pull out back to town.

Nice going, Jake.

Rusty, we're going to
divide the money right now

because after we get to
Canada, we're going to split up.

Anything you say.

Get the bag and
pour it on the table.

Oh no, you don't.

Wait a minute, I
don't like this game.

Let's play something else.

You try and run away again,

next time, we're going to
bounce you in your head.

Your head.

Come on, come on, pour it out.

What's this?

Pennies.

Penn... We've got
thousands in folding stuff

and you take pennies?

Jake, you know I collect coins.

There might be some
Indian heads in here.

Indian heads?

You could use Indian
head where you got yours.

OK, you.

So we can keep an eye on you,

you divide this
money into two piles.

I refuse to touch
this filthy lucre.

I'll...

All right, go in the back
room and get the other bag.

Will you watch
what you're doing?

Well Jake, whatever
happened to you?

This.

Lucy,

Lucy, you didn't even need us.

Lucille, how did you do it?

It was pennies from heaven.

Lucy, you're a chip
off the old Flora Belle.

How about it fellows,
three cheers for the sheriff.

Hep, hep, hooray!

Hep, hep, hooray!

Hep, hep, hooray!