06x19 - Milton Berle Is the Life of the Party

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy

Starring: Lucille Ball.

Co-starring: Gale Gordon.

All right, Harry, it's your bet.

All right. I'll bet my
last two matches.

I'm in.

All right. There's your
two and five more.

- Oh, well,
that cleans me out.
- Me too.

- I fold.
- I win again.

Hey, Lucy, you're so lucky.

You know, it's not
just luck, Mary Jane.

I happen to be
very good at games.

And she uses marked cards.

I do not.

You're just a sore loser.

OK. What do we play now?

Lucille, for heaven's sake,
we've played poker, dominoes,

Chinese checkers.

We played everything
but spin the bottle.

So?

So, don't you ever get
tired of playing games?

- No.
- Oh?

Well, I do.

So, do I.

Listen.

Next Saturday night,

we just got to think of
something else to do.

Well, we are. Don't
you remember?

I'm giving a party.

- Oh, I forgot.
- Yeah.

I thought I have everybody come
at six for drinks and hors d'oeuvre's.

That sounds good,

and would you serve some
of those spiced little meatballs.

Oh, yeah.

Then I thought we'll have
barbecue chicken and salad;

and if it's warm enough,

we can all eat
dinner on the patio.

- Oh, yeah. I love to eat outside.
- Yeah.

Then after dinner, we
can come in the living room

and play charades
and pass the orange.

I love that game.

- Darn!
- What?

I just remembered I have to
go to Santa Barbara on Saturday

to see a client who is ill,

so I won't be able
to attend your party.

Oh, Harry, I was counting on
you to help me with the barbecue.

Well, you'll just have
to help me, Mary Jane.

Oh, I'm such an
absentminded dumb-dumb.

I have to go Laguna and
visit my aunt this weekend.

She is sick, you know.

Well, I certainly
picked a bad weekend.

Vanda and Sam can't come

because they're
going to Arrowhead.

The Moores are
going to Palm Springs,

and the Falcons are
going to San Diego.

Well, you know, Lucille,

you can empty a town
quicker than anyone I know.

If they ever have to
evacuate Los Angeles,

all they'll have to do is
have you throw a party.

Well, that certainly
a nasty thing to say.

Oh, listen, honey, listen.

Now, as your best friend, I
think I should tell you something.

Frankly, your parties are...

Well, in a word, they're...

Dull?

The word I'd use is boring.

Well, thanks a lot.

Well, Lucy, it hasn't got
anything to do anything

to do with you personally.

It's just that you're
always everybody

- to play those dumb games.
- Yeah.

Whatever happened
to getting bombed

and singing Barbershop
Quartets out in the kitchen.

[singing] I had a dream, dear

You had one, too

- Mine was the best dream
- Mine was the best dream

- Because it was of you
- Because it was of you

That's the worst
thing I ever heard.

Now, if that's your
idea of a fun party,

I'm glad you two can't make it.

- Oh.
- Oh, honey, don't feel bad.

Never mind! Just forget it.

There'll be plenty
of other people

who want to come to
one of my terrible parties.

Let's watch television.

Oh, hey. Turn on that
charity auction that's on there.

A lot of celebrities
are on there.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

Kurt Douglas, Bert
Parks, Pinky Lee,

Soupy Sales is on.

- Durward Kirby.
- Durward Kirby? Oh.

Shh.

Quite. Quite. Hey, hey, hey.

Do you want to watch
telethon, now watch it.

Wonderful.

Let's hear it for the
Franklin Brothers

who sang their latest
hit for Dorothy Culbertson

who phoned in the
highest bid of $1000,

and we thank you Ms. Culbertson

for contributing so wonderfully
to our daycare center fund.

Now, folks, the
bidding is still open

on one of Lawrence
Welk's autographed batons.

So, folks, please keep
this calls coming in,

keep these phones busy

because it's only a few
minutes until midnight

when our auction
will be officially closed.

Now, folks, we have a lot...

Ladies and gentlemen,

I have just received word

that one of the all-time greats
of the entertainment world

has stopped the studio here

to help us in the last few
minutes of our auction.

Now, folks, let's see if we
can try and get him on here.

Shall we? Come on, I want
to hear a very big welcome.

That's right. Let's see
if we can coax him out.

Ladies and
gentlemen, Milton Berle.

Milton Berle, ladies
and gentlemen.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you, Elliott.
Thank you very much.

Oh, Milton, it's terrific
of you to do this.

Well, you're all doing
such a great job.

I thought I'd come down here
and help out such a worthy cause.

Elliott, I'm going to
auction off something

that is very dear to my wife.

She hates to let it go, but
she is willing to part with.

What's that?

Me.

You are going to
auction off you?

Well, in a way, yes.

You see, the person
who bids the highest

will have me to entertain at
his house next Saturday night.

How about that, folks?

You can invite all
of your friends over

to have a party
with Milton Berle,

star of stage screen
and television.

You bet ladies and gentlemen,

and believe me,
believe me, folks,

one of the funniest
comediennes in show business.

The funniest.

The funniest comedienne
in show business.

Now, folks, since our
time is running out.

I am going to take the
calls for Milton myself.

Do me a favor, bring this
camera in a little closer to me.

Don't get it off
him. Stay on me.

That's it, that's it.

Keep it on my
face not on my face.

That's it. A little closer.

- A little...
- Milton, Milton,

we have a bid already.

I knew it.

I knew the minute
that I showed up

you got a tremendous bid.

It's from Don Rickles.

Don Rickles, oh.

Oh, Don Rickles, the
merchant of venom.

Oh, Don, if you're watching,

you got a heart
as big as a house.

You're beautiful, really.

Oh, what did he bid?

He says he'll pay $100

if you don't come to
his house on Saturday.

Very nice, Don.

Why don't you come down
here and auction yourself off

as an attack dog?

OK, folks, now, let's
start those calls coming in.

Remember the number
to call is 555-7236,

and we only have
five more minutes

so let's have a nice
high bid for Milton Berle

to be the wonderful man
who will entertain at your party.

You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to call the TV studio
and make a bid on Milton Berle.

Lucy, you're kidding.

I'll bet if I get Milton Berle to
come to my house Saturday night,

you'll stop saying
my parties are dull.

But you can't afford
to bid on Milton Berle.

He is going to cost a lot.

Not necessarily.

Auctions are very tricky.

You never know whether
people are going to bid or not.

Well, everybody is going
to bid on Milton Berle.

- Are you?
- No.

- Are you?
- Well, no.

See. So far, I'm the
only one bidding on him.

Hello.

Hello. This is Lucille Carter
of 4863 Valley Long Drive.

I'd like to make a
bid on Milton Berle.

Very good. What's your bid?

Five dollars.

I beg your pardon.

Five dollars.

Lucille, that's embarrassing.

Since when are you
embarrassed by $5?

I said I bid $5.

Yes. Well, thank
you, Mrs. Carter.

Well, folks, we have had
an opening for Milton Berle

to be the life of
somebody's party

but I think we can
do a little bit better.

Now, let's keep those
phones ringing, folks.

Let us hear another
bid for Milton Berle.

- You got a bid already?
- Yes.

On me? How much?

Well, I'm afraid it's only five.

Well, it's a start.

OK, folks, let's keep
that bidding going.

We have $500.

It's $5.

Five? Five lousy clams?

Come on, keep those bids going.

Come on.

Good. Let's get it...

You got another phone
call. Another phone call.

- Who is it?
- Hello? Hello?

It's Don Rickles.

- Again?
- Yeah.

I knew he'd come through.

It's times like this

when you really know
who your friends really are.

Yeah. Thanks for calling.

Well, how much did old
lovable Don Rickles for?

Six dollars.

Like I said it's times like this

when you really know
who your friends used to be.

Oh, that Don Rickles has a
nerve sh**ting the price up.

Now I'll have to bid higher.

Get ready for six
dollars and one cent.

No. This time I'm
going sh**t the works.

Six dollars and two cents.

OK, folks, now, we only
have a few minutes left

before we have to go off the air

so let's hear those
bids for Milton Berle

to come to anybody's house
and be the life of the party.

That's right. We have $6.

Do I hear a thousand?

Hello.

Hello. This is
Lucille Carter again.

Oh... Milton, it's that
woman that bid $5.

Lucille Carter.

Let me talk to her.

Hello, Mrs. Carter,
this is Milton Berle.

Oh!

Oh, Mr. Berle. How
nice to talk to you.

I'm going to raise my bid.

Well, that's more like it.

I'm going to go to seven
dollars and fifty cents.

Seven dollars and fifty cents?

Yes, sir, but you're
worth every penny.

Mrs. Carter, I get 7.50

for letting the neighbors
listen to me gargle.

Oh, really?

Well, believe me
I'd bid more if I could

but I also have to pay
for the food for my party.

Oh, that is a problem.

It's hard to choose between
me and the onion dip.

Oh, you're funny, Mr. Berle.

I certainly hope
my bid is the highest

because I'm counting
on you to liven things up.

I can hardly wait.

- Oh, Mr. Berle.
- Yeah.

In case I get you, I live
at 4863 Valley Lawn Drive,

and you take the Hollywood
Freeway out to the valley

and watch for the
Encino off ramp

because if you
miss that off ramp...

Yeah. It was
nice talking to you.

You're going to be
in a lot of trouble.

- You could go all the way
out to Ventura— - Yeah, but I—

- And you'll never know...
- Goodbye.

- what hit you
and it will smog out there.
- Yeah, but I...

Oh and before you get
there, there's West Lake

and if you ever get
lost in West Lake,

- you'll never find it.
- Thank you.

Goodbye.

Folks, come on. Come on.

Keep those phone
calls coming in.

Please think of
the daycare center,

think of the little kids,

think of your Uncle Milty.

Please, please think
of your Uncle Milty.

OK, folks.

Now, you know the phone number.

So we want... oh...

Ladies and gentlemen,
there it is, I'm sorry.

Our time is up and
it's almost midnight

and we want to thank you for
your very generous contribution.

No, no, no. The time is not up.

There is still
another 20 seconds.

Please ring, ring, ring.

Mrs. Lucille Carter is
going to be the lucky hostess

who gets Milton Berle
to be the life of her party.

I got him! I got him!

I got Milton Berle for my party.

Oh, isn't that wonderful?

You're going to
Lucille Carter's party.

No, wait, please. Please.

There's plenty of time left.

Isn't this the night we set the
clocks back to daylight saving?

No, no... Milton, I'm
sorry. I'm afraid not.

Please. One call...
one call. That's all I ask.

Just one call, please.

Ladies and gentlemen, you
have done a wonderful thing

- for a lot of mothers and little children.
- I don't want to go.

Thank you for opening
your hearts and goodnight.

I don't want to go.
I don't want to go.

- Milton.
- I don't want to go.

- Milton.
- What?

Milton, you can get up
now. We're off the air.

I'm sorry we only got
$7.50. I hope you don't mind.

Why should I mind? It
gives me a whole new image.

I could just see
the billing now-

Milton Berle stars stage
screen television and house calls.

Look, Milton, it
won't be so bad.

You can leave early.

Just go to the
party, have a drink

and tell three jokes.

Do my whole act?

Are you kidding?

Boy, have I got great news.

Just before you
went off the air,

the Sun City Shuffleboard Club

took up a collection and bid
$780 for Lawrence Welk's baton.

Milton.

Milton, we got $780 for
Lawrence Welk's baton.

How about that?

Wonderful. Wonderful.

Wonderful. Wonderful.

Wonderful.

Hey! I just can't believe it.

Next Saturday night,

Milton Berle will
be sitting right there.

Will he be wearing a dress?

Oh, Harry.

I really have to
hand it to you, Lucy.

I never would have had the
nerve to bid that low on Milton Berle.

Well, you know the old saying,
nothing ventured, nothing gained.

There's another old saying

cheap-o's rush in where
angels fear to tread.

Well, you should know.

You're just bugged, Harry,

because I'm having
the party of the year

and you're going to miss it.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Helen.

Oh, you're not going.

Well, I'm so glad you
and Bob can make it.

OK, I'll see you next Saturday.

Bye.

Well, well, well, that
was Helen Moore.

The weather prediction is to
rain next weekend in Palm Springs

so they're not going and
they can come to my party.

Hello.

Vanda, how are you, dear?

Oh, I see.

Well, that means you and Sam
can come to my party after all.

Well, great. About
seven o'clock.

Bye.

The weatherman predicts rain
for Arrowhead next weekend, too.

That means with the
Moores and Vanda and Sam,

me and Milton Berle,

I'll have six for my party.

Aren't you lucky next weekend?

It's raining everywhere.

It isn't raining rain, you know.

It's raining Milton Berle.

I know what you're
trying to say, Harry.

Everybody saw the show,

and they're only coming
next Saturday because

Milton Berle will be here.

Well, I don't care.

It's going to be a good party,
and that's the main thing.

Listen, Lucy.

Now, listen.

I don't really have
to go visit my aunt.

I could come to your party.

Now, look, Mary Jane,
I can't let you do that.

After all, if your aunt is ill,
you've got to go see your aunt.

Well, not necessarily.

You never can
tell about my aunt.

One day she is sick;
next day, she is well;

next day, she is sick;
next day, she is well...

How about that your party
falls on one of her well days.

Well, good.

How about you, Harry?

What's going to happen to you?

Is it going to rain in Santa
Barbara next weekend,

or is your client going to
have a miraculous recovery?

Lucille, I'm not going to
come crawling just because

you're having some
big hotshot celebrity

here on Saturday night.

You can have Elizabeth Taylor,
Frank Sinatra, Clint Eastwood,

Princess Anne and her
new husband at your party,

and I couldn't care... that.

What time will you be
here to start the barbecue?

Five o'clock.

Milton Berle isn't here yet.

Don't you dare make
a dent in that dip.

Sorry.

Out of the way. Out of the way.

I have to get these on the fire
while the coals are just right.

There goes the
galloping gourmet.

- Oh.
- Maybe that's him.

Hello. I've arrived.

Oh, hi, Mr. Berle.
Come in, please.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

I'm Lucy Carter.

- Are you the one who bid on me?
- Oh, yes.

It's certainly wonderful of
you to come to my party.

Thank you very much.

You know, a very, very funny
thing happened to me the other day.

- I was at Hillcrest Country
Club— - Uh, Mr. Berle,

don't you want to
take your coat off first?

No. I get bigger
laughs with it on.

Funny thing happened the other
day at the Hillcrest Country Club.

- I was about to play golf and I
thought of— - Oh, wait, Mr. Berle,

- you haven't met everyone yet.
- No. I haven't.

- This Mary Jane.
- Hello. How do you do?

- And Marvin.
- How do you do?

And Vanda and Sam.

- Sam.
- Hello.

Funny thing happened to me at
Hillcrest Country Club the other day...

- Well, - Excuse me, Mr. Berle.

You haven't met my
brother-in-law, Harrison Carter.

- How do you do, Mr.—
- How do you do, sir?

A funny thing happened to me

at Hillcrest Country
Club the other day.

I was in a foursome with
Jack Benny, Buddy Hackett,

and Dean Martin,

and we were on the ninth hole,
and I was just about tee off...

Oh, excuse me.
I'm sorry, Mr. Berle.

Some more of my guests are here.

Now, don't say a
word 'til I come back.

Oh, hi, Helen. Hi, Bob.

- How are you?
- Fine. Thank you.

Nice to see you.

I'm sorry. We're late.

The freeway traffic
was unbelievable.

Oh, that's all right. That's OK.

Let's see now, you
know everybody else.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- And this is Mr. Milton Berle.
- How do you do?

Mr. Berle, I'd like you
to meet the Moores.

A funny thing happened to
me at Hillcrest the other day.

I was in a foursome with
Jack Benny, Buddy Hackett,

and Dean Martin,

and we were on the ninth hole.

Jack Benny teed off
and Buddy teed off,

and Dean teed off, and
I was about to tee off...

Oh. I'm terribly sorry.

I can't imagine who that is.

I thought everyone was here.

Yeah. Looks like
everyone is here.

Oh, hi.

My goodness. I thought
you couldn't come.

Look, everybody, the Falcons.

Hi.

I hope you don't mind us
coming by like the last minute

but we decided not to
go down to San Diego.

- It's raining down there.
- I know.

The way it's raining everywhere,

I hope somebody
is building an arc.

Oh, Harry.

- Mr. Berle?
- Yes, yes, yes.

- I'd like you to meet the Falcons.
- How do you do?

A funny thing happened
to me the other day.

I was in Hillcrest Country Club
and I was in a foursome with

Jack Benny, Buddy
Hackett, and Dean Martin,

and we were on the ninth hole.

Jack Benny teed off and
Buddy Hackett teed off,

and Dean Martin teed off, and
I was about to tee off when I...

- Oh, hi, Lucy.
- Hi.

I heard you are having a party,
and I knew you'd want me here.

Oh, certainly. Certainly.

This is Bill
McCormick, everybody.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Uh, Mr. Berle, why don't you start
your story again so Bill can hear it.

Why not?

Bill,

a funny thing happened to me the
other day at Hillcrest Country Club.

You see I was in a foursome
with Jack Benny, Buddy Hackett,

and Dean Martin.

We were on the ninth hole.

Buddy Hacket teed off first
then Jack Benny teed off,

then Dean Martin teed off...

I thought Jack
Benny teed off first.

No, it was Buddy Hackett.

I thought it was Dean Martin.

No, Jack Benny teed off first.

I'll tell you who's teed off.

Me, me, I'm tee'd off.

- Now, now, listen.
- No. I am.

Please, please, let
Mr. Berle finish his story.

Go ahead, Mr. Berle.

Anyway, everybody else teed off,

and I was about to tee off when
this man come up and said...

My chickens are burning.

My chickens are...

What are you all staring at?

You never seen a grown
comedienne cry before?

My goodness. My
chickens are burnt!

The dinner is ruined.

Oh, Harry, how could you
forget about the chickens?

It wasn't my fault.

I was waiting for him
to finish that dumb story.

Don't you say that.

Don't blame your bumbling
barbecue on Uncle Milty.

- Uncle Milty?
- Yeah.

Uncle Milty my Aunt Fanny.

Oh, now, now, now.
Hear, hear everybody.

Hear, hear, hear.
Now, just calm down.

Now, let's get
Mr. Berle a chance.

- Let him finish his story.
- Mm-hmm.

Finish it.

You know,

there we were playing golf.

I was about to tee off when
this man come up and said

my wife just had an accident,

can I play through?

A man said can I play through,
my wife just had an accident?

That's it?

I laid an egg in Encino.

I'll get this audience.

I don't leave until I'm hit.

Oh, Mr. Berle does
wonderful card tricks.

I was gonna say...

- Oh, I love card tricks.
- Oh, yes, he is wonderful.

- Would you like to
help me with this trick?
- Oh, I'd love to.

- You pick out a card.
- Yes, sir.

There you are. Pick it out.

- Do you remember?
- Yes, sir. Eight of diamonds.

No, no, no.
That's not the trick.

- That's not the trick.
- Did I do something wrong?

- Yes, I think you did.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, I have another trick.

This is sensational trick but
it's getting late and I have to go.

Now you pick out a card.

But this time, don't
tell me the card.

Now please, don't
tell me the card.

Put it back on the
deck. I'll shuffle them up.

Don't tell me.

It's a sensational trick.

Ready? Here we go.

What was your card?

What was the card?

What was the card!?

You told me not to tell you.

I'm sorry, Mr. Berle.
I know a card trick.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- I know one. Would you help me?
- I'm glad I came here.

- Would you help me
with my card trick?
- Oh sure.

I'll help you as much
as you helped me.

Oh. Just take card.

- Take a card?
- Any card at all.

- Now, remember, now,
do as I tell you.
- Yeah.

Now, tear it in half.

OK.

Tear it in quarters.

Tear it in eighths.

Tear it in sixteenths.

Tear it in...

Uh, tear it in twenty-third.

- Now, now,
put it all in your hand.
- Yeah.

Now, tighten...
tighten your fist.

Now, when I count to three,
throw them over your head, right.

One, two, three!

Happy New Year!

The oldest trick I've
ever heard of in my life.

Oh, Mr. Berle, you
were never funnier.

You're worth every
cent I paid you.