03x05 - The Monks of St. Thomas Affair

[bunniefuu]

- How is it?
- Very inferior mustard.

Oh, perhaps I should have stopped
at the taco stand.

Mm.

Twenty minutes ago,
I'm sitting on the terrace...

...of a lovely restaurant
overlooking the East River.

Yes, there's a very nice view from there.
I've seen it.

Violins are playing...

...opposite me in a black dress
that leaves little to the imagination...

...is a perfectly gorgeous creature.

Yeah, Wanda. I've seen her too.

- She's all right.
- Stop interrupting.

The wine steward has just filled my glass
with an exquisite Beaujolais--

Maison des Sis. Paves, 1941.

--and I have just cut in
to a Chateaubriand steak...

...when beep, beep, beep.

“Mr. Solo? Mr. Waverly.“

There's a can of root beer
in the glove compartment.

Mm. Thank you.

You've made my evening.

Felton Avenue,
it should be around here somewhere.

I think it's up in the next block.

ILLYA:
That's the number.

Channel D, please.

WAVERLY [OVER RADIO]: Yes, Mr- Sofa?

We're at 14432 Felton.

The house is dark
and there's no sign of trouble.

I wanted to make sure
we have the right number.

You have.

[OVER RADIO]:
Dr. Lambert must be there.

[spoke to him about 10 minutes ago
on the telephone.

I suggest you check further.

Probably goes on automatically.

After all, he's a scientist,
one of his inventions.

Remind me to tell him to shut it off.

[TIRES SQUEALING NEARBY]

[g*nshots]

[SNEEZES]

[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]

It was Thrush all right.

We saw them in the car
when they went by us.

The man behind the wheel was Dolby.

SOLO:
Hmm.

Too bad Dr. Lambert didn't contact you
sooner. He might still be alive.

He was dead before you arrived.

As you would be now...

...if you hadn't had the foresight
to soak your clothing.

Oh, yeah. It was nothing.

WAVERLY:
Well, nevertheless, it saved your lives.

SOLO: You know,
I wonder why they didn't take this.

It was right there in the laboratory,
they didn't even touch it.

Look at it.
It's case-hardened steel, half an inch thick.

That tiny beam of light goes through it
as easily as a b*llet through soft butter.

Well, Mr. Solo,
this device is only a model.

Dr. Lambert was working on a new beam
far more deadly than the laser.

I suspect that's what they were after.

With all the destruction, there's no telling
what they could've taken, if anything.

What puzzles me is, what's all this doing
in Dr. Lamben's laboratory?

SOLO:
Looks like bottle glass.

Maybe they were having a drink.

Dr. Lambert was a teetotaler,
Mr. Kuryakin.

This contains something more
than ordinary Iibation, I can tell you.

Yes, Aquitine, gentlemen. Aquitine.

Now, some may insist that Chartreuse
or Benedictine is the finest of fine liqueurs.

But I say that the choicest of them all...

...is that made by the monks
of the Order of St. Thomas...

...at their monastery
high up in the Swiss Alps.

And it's Aquitine.

I take it, sir, that you think
that there is some connection...

...between Aquitine and Thrush.

I should certainly hope not, Mr. Kuryakin.

But I am a bit concerned, though.

It so happens that I'm a friend
of long-standing of Abbot John...

...the head of the monastery.

A while back, he wrote to me
indicating that something was wrong.

I answered immediately
and heard nothing more.

That's why, Mr. Solo,
I'd like you to look into it.

Oh, me? Go to a monastery?

Why not?

Might be good for your soul.

Uh, yes. I think you're right.

Meanwhile, Mr. Kuryakin, you'll go after
the two men who m*rder*d Dr. Lambert.

Yes, sir.

- Oh, uh, Mr. Solo.
- Hmm?

As long as you're going to be
at St. Thomas...

...you might pick me up a case
of Aquitine, will you?

Yes. Yes, I'd be delighted.

[BELLS RINGING]

[DOGS BARKING]

Stop! Stop! No, no!

Heel! No, darling!

Stop! Stop! No, no, no!

Keep it. Trophy of the chase.

Like the brush of the fox, you know.

MONK:
I am terribly sorry, sir.

They are trained to rescue travelers,
not to harm them.

What happened to their little barrels
of brandy? They drink it themselves?

They are overfriendly, that is all.
Out of practice.

Since the new tunnel has been built,
they meet so few travelers.

ABBOT:
Brother Peter.

By whose order
do you exercise the dogs?

- Forgive me--
ABBOT: Silence.

As punishment,
you shall lorego your evening meal.

Ah, you must be Abbot John.

I'm Abbot Simon.

What is your business here?

Well, no business, really.
I was just in the neighborhood.

I thought I'd come up
and pay my respects to Abbot John.

He's a friend of a friend.

Besides, I'm fond of Aquitine.

I'm sorry.

Abbot John is no longer with us.

And we don't allow visitors.

I've found it affects the discipline
within our community.

Brother Peter, lock up the beasts.

Aquitine. Thank you.

[SHUSHES]

[DOGS BARKING]

WOMAN [OVER PA]:
Trans Warld Airlines, Flight 174--

Porter, over here.

WOMAN [OVER PA]: "for St. Louis
and Cleveland will depart from Gate 3.

- Passengers may proceed for check-in.
- Thank you.

As you can tell, I'm at the airport.

They've just booked passage for Zurich.

WAVERLY [OVER RADIO]:
Zurich, Mr. Kuryakin?

Oh, that's very interesting.

The St. Thomas Monastery
is quite close by.

They have two suitcases,
both very heavy.

I haven't had a chance
to tell what's inside them yet.

WAVERLY: Well, please do.
Those suitcases may be important.

- Check them immediately.
- Yes, sir.

- I can't, sir.
WAVERLY: Why not?

They've just been checked through.

Really, Mr. Kuryakin,
get aboard that plane.

- What are you waiting for?
- Yes, sir.

I'm sorry, sir, that plane is booked solid.
How about our next flight?

No, uh, no, thank you.
That will be too late.

[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

- Oh, good evening, Mr. Solo.
- Good evening. May I have my key, please?

Retiring so early?
The entertainment is just beginning.

Well, I had mine already. Thank you.

Along walk up the Alps. And down.

But why can't you put me through
to the Vatican, operator?

The Father General
of the Order of St. Thomas.

All right, so get me the Vatican.

But, operator, you don't understand.
I have tried the monastery.

Oh, please, operator, it's urgent.

Why don't you just tell them
that I'm the niece of Abbot John?

What do you mean it's too late?

This is utterly ridiculous.

You'd think somebody would be on duty
in a place like that.

- Poor Mademoiselle Fouchet.
- The Vatican?

She says her uncle
was abbot at the monastery.

Now they cannot find him.

- Oh? Good night.
- Good night.

Miss Fouchet, excuse me.
I'm Napoleon Solo.

I'm staying here at the inn and I--
You have a little problem?

It's personal.

I don't discuss personal business
with strangers.

Could I interest you in a bottle of Aquitine?
Or a man named John?

Abbot John.

Who are you?

Do you always listen in
on personal telephone calls?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, telephone conversations,
monasteries, keyholes.

[RUMBLING]

What's the matter?

Is Abbot John really your uncle?

Of course he is.

SOLO:
Hmm.

I've had a little visitor.

You're a detective, aren't you?

I don't discuss my personal business
with strangers.

Would you?

That's a 15 and a half, 33.

No. Looks more like a 16 and a half,
34 to me.

[ALL GRUNTING]

[MAN YELLS]

[SOLO GRUNTS]

[GASPS, BOTTLE BREAKS]

I'm sorry. I meant to help.

Well, they got away.
jumped off the balcony.

Sony.

I broke it, didn't I?

SOLO:
Speaking of help.

That's my Uncle John's handwriting.

Thank you.

I have her dossier now, Mr. Solo.

[OVER RADIO]
Yes, she checks out.

Andrea Fouchet,
resident of Geneva, Switzerland.

Her family is quite prominent.

They manufacture cheese.

Ah, Swiss, I presume.

No, as a matter of fact, Gruyére.

And she is related to Abbot John?

Well, she's his niece.

His favorite relative, in fact.

Thank you very much.
That's what I was interested in.

WAVERLY:
Oh, and, ab, Mr- Sofa.

You'll try and remember
not to forget the, uh--

I won't. Aquitine, a case.

Uh, would you also like some cheese
to go with it?

Here she comes. I'll keep in touch.

ANDREA:
Lovely day, isn't it?

SOLO:
Lovely day for a walk up along hill.

[BELL RINGING]

[MACHINE DRONES]

ANDREA:
It just doesn't make any sense.

Why would anyone want to harm
Uncle John?

He's so kind and gentle.

Why, he never hurt a fly.

It may come as a shock to you...

...but that's the type
that makes the perfect victim.

What exactly did they tell you
at the monastery?

Well.
just that he wasn't there anymore...

...and that he had been removed
by order from the Father General.

- The new abbot told you this?
- Abbot Simon.

You know, the minute I saw that man,
I didn't like him.

It was like a cold chill
ran right through me.

Well, I wasn't exactly warmed
by his welcome.

I don't think he's too popular
with the monks.

Brother Peter seemed--
ANDREA: The monks?

Why, they're terrified of him.

Why, the last time I was there,
everything was so sweet.

The brothers were happy and jelly
and so full of life.

But those that I saw the other day,
they're not happy anymore.

They're just plain frightened.

- Tired?
- Just a little.

We're just about halfway there.

I still think it's foolish
to go back to the monastery again.

We should have gone to the police.

What, and give up
this nice walk in the sunshine?

But Simon, he'll never let us in,
you know that.

Well, I've occasionally entered places
where I wasn't invited.

Though I must say
a monastery isn't one of them.

You are a detective,
aren't you, Mr. Solo?

Napoleon.

Uh, yes, in a manner of speaking.

Well, what is it exactly that you're after?

Among other things, a case of Aquitine.

CUSTOMS MAN: One moment, please.
- Oh, I have two suitcases.

And I'm rather in a hurry.
If I could get them now--

First, they must clear custom, sir.

The regular procedure.
Inside, if you please.

[LUGGAGE THUDDING]

Is this Zurich?

CUSTOMS MAN:
Yes.

I was frozen inside there.
There was no heating.

Is this any way to run an airline?

[ANDREA LAUGHS]

Oh, that's very amusing, Monsieur.

But my problem
is they treat me like a child.

SOLO:
Who?

My parents.

They keep insisting I marry Adolf.

- Who?
- Adolf.

Oh, he's not so bad.
We grew up together.

His family makes cheese
and my family makes cheese.

Well, it sounds like a merger.

It's like curds and whey.

He's, you know, how you say.
he's square.

He's not with it.

If you mention the Beatles to him,
he thinks of insects.

Well?

Well, you know, Uncle John is like me.

He's a 60-year-old monk
and he digs, you know?

And that is why I have to see him.

He's the head of our family
and he'll listen.

[g*n c*ck]

[THUMPING NEARBY]

What's that?

SOLO:
Couple of monks.

Well, how do you know they're monks?

Their robes. Elementary, my dear.

[TREE CRACKS]

Timber.

What's going on here?
There's no game around here.

I suspect he knows it.

You mean,
he's deliberately sh**ting at us...

...to keep us from the monastery?

Yeah, somebody up there doesn't like us.

Well, do something. Think.

I am thinking.

Wait.

[CLICKS]

I don't know. Personally,
I prefer something a little brighter, no?

Put it back.

DOLBY:
Now, you, get in the car.

[g*nshots]

Open Channel D. Kuryakin reporting.

Thrush agents have new model
cathode tubes...

...presumably stolen from Dr. Lambert.

The size suggests a device more powerful
than any yet known.

[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING]

You two, come here!

Not you. You!

Speak. I give you permission.

Speak. What happened to your habits?

We don't know, Reverend Father.

We put them aside because of the heat.

And when to returned, they were gone.

All right, you may be gone yourselves.

And remember, you have committed
the sin of carelessness...

...and you will do penance.

I would think
our flock has increased by two.

Lock the gate.

SOLO: Excuse me, I'd like to write
to Abbot John, I've lost the address.

Could you, uh--?

I'm sorry, I really very much like 10--

[DOOR OPENS THEN CLOSES]

SOLO: I beg your pardon, brother--
PETER: Shh.

I'm sorry. Oh, Peter.
It's nice to see a friendly face.

I got the message in the bottle.

You remember me,
the hat and the Aquitine?

Please, Abbot John,
can't you tell us where he is?

SOLO: This is Abbot John's niece.
Where is he?

[DOOR OPENS THEN CLOSES]

[SOLO WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY]

Ugh.

Aquitine?

SOLO:.

[SIGHS]

Not yet.

But when the secret formula is added,
it will be.

- He talked.
- Oh, now it is noon.

The morning vow of silence is over.

[BELLS RINGING]

I told you that hourglass was fast,
Brother Paulus.

It must be the sand. It is too fine.

Oh, I am so glad you have come.
I played and prayed.

Where is Uncle John? Is he all right?

Yes, yes.

Oh, it is terrible, what has been happening.
You have no idea.

Such punishment
has been visited upon us.

And upon Abbot John.

Oh, not that we wish not to suffer.

On earth, all suffer.
In heaven, we shall get our reward.

- Please.
- Where is he?

PETER: Where?
- Where is he? A prisoner?

Uh, yes, yes. We are all prisoners.

Oh, it was so peaceful before.

And then, like a pestilence,
the new abbot, Abbot Simon--

Abbot Simon.

A weapon.

And a woman in a monastery.

You've come to steel our formula,
haven't you?

Our precious formula for Aquitine.

That is a grave transgression, you know.

And it will not go unpunished.

WAVERLY [OVER RADIO]:
Kuryakin? Came in.

ILLYA:
Yes, sir?

I haven't been able to establish contact
with Mr. Solo.

Have you heard from him?

Well, I'm in his room now.

There's no sign of him.

Nobody's seen him
since he and the girl left this morning.

WAVERLY:
I see.

Well, now, pay close attention,
Mr. Kuryakin.

It's, uh, 11 a.m.
where you are now, correct?

ILLYA: Correct-
- At 5 p.m., the Louvre will go up in flames.

The Louvre?

WAVERLY:
Yes, the Louvre and everything in it.

Priceless walks of art.

Mona Lisa, Venus de Milo, everything.

I'm leaving fur Paris immediately.

- Thrush?
WAVERLY: Yes.

Thrush sent word here.
Let me give you the exact phraseologv.

“At 5 p.m., Paris time, this date...

...we will burn the Louvre to the ground
as evidence of our new power to destroy.

Signed. Thrush."

“New power to destroy“?

That must refer to those cathode tubes.

It's a pity you weren't able
to intercept them.

You sure that Thrush aren't bluffing, sir?

Thrush seldom bluffs, Mr. Kuryakin.

That weapon must be found
and destroyed.

And by 5:00, please.

SOLO [OVER RADIO]:
Even sooner, if you can manage it.

Napoleon.

- Where are you?
- You'll never guess.

In the belfry of St. Thomas.

I'm sorry I couldn't answer you,
but, uh, we we're all tied up here.

Don't bother filling me in,
I was listening to you and Mr. Waverly.

I got it all.

Uh, hang on. Here they come.

[DOOR OPENS THEN CLOSES]

[MACHINE DRONING]

SOLO:
What's that?

You know very well what it is, Mr. Solo.

It's Dr. Lamben's ray g*n.

I'm just checking, for the record.

Brilliant scientist, Dr. Lambert.

Brilliant. Too bad.

[OVER RADIO] But Thrush is happy
ta make use of what he has left behind.

Do you know why we chose
this particular spot?

Because of its location.

From this belfry...

...we have a direct line of fire
to half the capitals of Europe.

Direct?

Oh, perhaps you haven't heard
the latest theory that the Earth is round.

And light beams travel in a straight line.

I'm surprised at you, Mr. Solo.

I was certain that you were familiar
with Einstein's discovery...

...that light is bent by gravity.

Oh, that's right.

It slipped my mind.

It didn't slip Dr. Lamben's mind.

He discovered a way of creating
a gravitational force field...

...that bends light rays
to any desired angle.

It's really quite simple.

With this, we can k*ll a fly on the head
of the prime minister at 10 Downing Street.

Or wipe the smile off the face
of the Mona Lisa.

Then you already know about the Louvre.

Then you can imagine how busy we're
going to be for the next couple of hours.

Sorry you won't be watching,
but we're a bit crowded here.

Take them away.

[BELL RINGING]

It's 4:00.

So you really think
they'll go through with it?

Well, a lot can happen in an hour.

My parents,
they must be worrying about me by now.

And Adolf.

It-- Oh.

The one who thinks
that the Beatles are insects?

Poor Adolf.

He really loves me, you know that?

Well, that's understandable.

And he is sweet.

You know, you don't have to swing
to be sweet.

I'm sure he is.

Do you know what he gave me
for my birthday?

An assortment of cheese.

A 2-pound box.

I guess you don't think
that's very romantic.

Hmm, on the contrary,
it's the symbol 01a merger.

A personal merger...

...that would make him very happy,
I'm sure.

Oh, you're right.

That does make it romantic, you see?

Of course it does, Andrea.

I never realized it before
until a moment ago.

One never does until it's too late.

Andrea, listen to me.

Everything is going to be--

So now I know that I love him...

...and he's never even kissed me.

I'm going to die in one hour
and I've never even been kissed.

- Napoleon?
- Hmm?

Will you kiss me?

[HOLLOW TAPPING NEARBY]

What's that?

8.0.8. Hem.

It must be Uncle John.

- Yeah.
- Uncle John!

It must be.

All right, I've got a little button
under my lapel here.

See if you can bite it out.

[SOLO GRUNTS]

- Got it?
- Uh-huh.

- Okay, pull it out.
- Unh.

SOLO:
That's good.

Now, let me get that little tab
that's sticking out.

That's good. Oh, yeah.

Now, pull back very slowly. Pull it back.

Very slowly.

All right. There, now let it loose
like that now.

When I say three, let it drop, all right?

ANDREA: Uh-huh.
SOLO: Be very careful.

One, two, three. Drop.

- Hmm.
- What is it?

Well, if it's what our lab says it is...

- Everything is secure?
- Yes, sir.

To make sure it stays that way,
I think you'd better get out of those robes.

From now until we fire at the Louvre,
we'll be very busy.

DOLBY:
The range is 1342 kilometers gross.

SIMON: Thirteen hundred
forty-two kilometers gross.

DOLBY:
Plus 0.2024 fine.

SIMON:
Plus 0.2024 fine.

DOLBY: Azimuth, one minute,
five seconds from true horizon.

SIMON: Azimuth, one minute,
five seconds from true horizon.

Force field build up, five seconds prior.

Force field build up, five seconds prior.

Information data complete.

Twenty minutes to go.

[THUMPING NEARBY]

- Uncle John.
JOHN: Child.

How on earth
did you manage to find me?

Uncle John, this is Napoleon Solo
from U.N.C.L.E.

Oh, I should never have written
that note.

Now I've put you and Andrea
in jeopardy too.

Don't worry, Uncle John.
Napoleon will get us out of here.

How did they manage to take over?

JOHN:
Oh, it was all quite proper.

That Simon had a letter...

...from the Father General
of our order in Home.

Even the official seal.

All forged, of course.

Thrush is very adept at that.

No, no, Mr. Solo. There's a better way.

These walls are honeycombed
with secret passages.

Let me.

Once I find the right...

Wait.

Yes.

[RUMBLING]

[JOHN AND SOLO GRUNTING]

JOHN [WHISPERING]:
Go in.

Which way is the belfry?

This way.

[BELLS RINGING]

[BELL RINGS]

- You rang the wrong bell.
- Not me, you.

[BELL RINGING]

D major seventh. Sony.

What is the world coming to?

The abbot will be furious.

I'm, uh, looking for a man
about my height with a girl.

- Oh, yes, yes. They are here.
- Where?

Poor things. Really, it is all my fault.

- And mine.
- No, no. I talk too much.

I talk and I talk and I go on talking--

All right, you.

Remind me, I talk too much.

You talk too much.

JOHN:
This way.

Well, Kuryakin, isn't it?

So we meet again.

You want him in with the others?

There's no time. Tie him over there.

I'm sure you'll be interested in this,
Mr. Kuryakin.

I can hardly wait.

You won't have to.

At 5, the Louvre.

At five after 5, you and your friends.

JOHN:
I'm sorry, Mr. Solo.

I'm afraid we are lost.

Five minutes to 5.

Five to 5.

Call it 0”, Simon.

Sony, Kuryakin.

The American tourists
will have to find some place else to visit.

JOHN:
This must be the belfry. I'm certain.

[WIND WHISTLING]

I'm sorry.

Let me try this time.

- Where are you going?
- There's one entrance I do know about.

The way we were taken
into that dungeon.

Forty-seven seconds.

If I remember correctly...

...it takes 20 seconds
for the bells to ring the quarter hours...

...then they ring the hour.

Fire it on the final bell.

JOHN:
See, my dear. I knew I'd the find the--

SIMON:
Glad you could join us.

I got so engrossed in finding it,
I forgot what would happen when we did.

SIMON:
Just in time.

JOHN:
No!

No! Can't you do something?

[BELLS RINGING]

[GRUNTS]

Napoleon, look out!

[ILLYA GRUNTS]

[DOGS BARKING AND BELLS RINGING]

ANDREA:
Napoleon.

Father, we ask pardon.

- Pardon?
- We struck a man.

- I struck him.
- I would have struck the next.

- Oh, no, you--
- Peace, peace.

You are both absolved.

[DOGS BARKING AND BELLS RINGING]

All right, Simon, stop ringing.

Curfew's over.

I must say, gentlemen...

...there at 10 seconds to 5,
we were feeling concerned.

Even the Mona Lisa's smile
seemed a bit wan. Ha.

I'm sorry about that.
Perhaps this will make up for it, though.

WAVERLY:
Hmm?

What's this?

Ah, yes.

Yes, indeed.

Well, how much do I owe you?

No, it's with Abbot John's compliments.

Also, he would be honored
if you would attend the wedding.

The wedding? What wedding?

Andrea's. She's going to many Adolf.

And we're sure
they're going to be very happy.

WAVERLY:
Yes, delighted. Delighted to attend.

Did you, uh, have any difficulty
getting through the customs?

Ah, no, we, uh.
claimed diplomatic immunity.

WAVERLY: Good.
- We kept them on ice all the way, sir.

Ice?

Aquitine on ice?

Oh, no, gentlemen, gentlemen.

You know better than that, surely.

Especially you, Mr. Solo.

One never puts a fine liqueur on ice.

And Aquitine
is the finest of fine liqueurs.

Oh, well.

Ah, not bad. Not bad at all.

Aquitine on ice.

Well, gentlemen, you've done it again.