02x12 - Article 4

[bunniefuu]

♪ If you're looking for me ♪

♪ You better check
under the sea ♪

♪ 'Cause that is
where you'll find me ♪

♪ Underneath the... Sealab ♪

♪ Underneath the water ♪

♪ Sealab, at the bottom
of the sea ♪

Debbie: attention.
This is your captain.

All male personnel

Report to the proto-feminist
sensitivity seminar.

That is all.

No. This is your captain,

Sparks: directing all the
fly honeys to say "o-oh!"

O-oh!

Ha ha! And that is all.

No, I'm the captain,
and you shut up.

No, I am, and
try to make me.

Give me that!

[Feedback]

This is crap.

Stupid article 4.

Everybody's getting
promoted now.

I got 5 ph.d.s,
and I'm mopping.

Don't hear me complaining.

Because you're an idiot.

Look. Affirmative
action or not,

You've got to respect
the chain of command.

Well, of course
you're on her side.

I'm not on anybody's...

You're doing her.

And it just burns
your a*s, don't it?

Yes!

Yes, I am.

Ow, give me that!

You give me...
¡ay, mis huevos!

Oh, you're not qualified
to be captain.

Section 3.

Non-white males
of hispanic origin,

To exclude spaniards,
are, uh...

Hereby...

Hair...
Hereby.

Hairaby.
Hereby.

Araby?
Hereby!

What?

This is crazy!

Well, he is non-white.

And all male,
baby.

He can't even
read article 4.

I don't need to read
to be captain.

Roger that.

But we don't need


Roger that.

We don't need one.

Rog... Hey.

Sparks, shut up.

No, don't shut up,
dude.

Everybody shut up.

Now, where'd you get
those cool hats?

Could y'all not argue
on the p.a.?

It's k*lling morale
around here.

The fly honeys
like it.

O-oh!

Hah! You being captain

Is almost as dumb as
making a chick captain.

Stormy, not another word
out of you. Period.

Speaking of period...

It was totally
worth it. Ew!

Captain murphy,

How can you
let this happen?

Son, I know it's hard to watch
your peers get promo...

Peers? I got 5 ph.d.s
and a genius grant, ok?

I don't have any peers
here.

Well, as a woman, I didn't
have it easy like you did.

Thus, my new
recombinant technique

Will allow me to
map eukaryotes.

You sure do study
a lot.

Yes, ma'am. I'm going
to be a scientist.

Mm-hmm. You want another
butter sandwich?

No, thank you, ma'am.

All right.

Well, my heart
exploded. Mmf.

Grammy?

I didn't really
have it all that easy.

Oh, whatever!

And I'm not
starting now.

Go ahead.

Take your article 4
promotions.

I have a little too
much self-respect.

Captains.
Ha ha ha!

Better take that mop.

Quinn, wait.
What?

You forget how
to salute, sailor?

Damn! No,
she didn't!

I beg your pardon?

All the "girl"
and "girlfriend"

And "what's up,
girlfriend?"

And "holler at
me, girlfriend"

And "hey, girlfriend,
can I have back

Those rollers
you borrowed?"

That's all over.

From now on, you call me
"ma'am" or "captain."

Oh, I get it.
Pardon me... Ma'am.

Ok. Well, get
back to work.

Hmph. sh**t. Snatch you
bald-headed... Ma'am.

So, you, uh,
need anything?

Um, no.

Can't... Can't think
of anything.

[Coughing]

Oh, maybe some
tuberculosis medicine.

I'm sorry, i...
I don't understand.

Oddly enough,
persons of asian status

Don't qualify
under article 4.

Y-yes, but why not?

Well, for starters,
anime.

Well, everybody else
was doing it.

[Dolphin chatters]

But if you take advantage
of article 4

When others
are more qualified...

Who's more qualified?
White debbie?

Well, no, obviously.
But...

Any time the government
gets involved in something,

They mess it up way worse than
it ever was in the first place.

Exactly. So...

Just look at
the post office.

Perfect example.
What?

The pony express was
a model of efficiency.

Now, why they gotta
mess that up?

Look here, now.
If sparks can get promoted...

How the hell did he
get promoted?

What do you mean
a wheelchair?

Um, what do you call
a chair with wheels?

You're just lazy,
not disabled.

My legs are limp and dead.
Worthless, dead little noodles.

Little... Ooh! Mmf...

So. You can't feel that.

Feel what? Help!

No, no, no.
It's not just anime.

It's also those
throwing stars,

Those crazy rave chicks
with the big shoes,

The crazy hair, sars,

Giant k*ller robots,
sushi...

But sushi is japanese.
I'm chinese.

Oh. Yeah. That spicy
cabbage I frickin' hate.

I'm telling you, deb.
No sensation whatsoever.

So you won't mind
another one?

Oh, no. Hey.
Knock yourself out.

Why not have the guy
with 5 ph.d.s

Mop the floor?

Yeah, hey.
Good plan. Whoo!

Psst. Hey.

Quinn.
Hello?

Down here.
Hello, sir.

What's with
all the gear?

Well, everybody else
is a captain now,

So they're too busy
giving orders

To do any work.

Going to hell
on hockey skates, huh?

You kidding me?

The vaporators
are at 50%,

We're leaking
radioactive waste,

And pod 6 has got
serious problems.

[Dolphins chattering]

Ha ha ha! Pod 6.
Uh... Oh, hey.

You don't have one of those
cool hats, do you?

Uh, no.

Look, that leak's
getting...

Damn. Now, ok, listen.

If you, uh, you know,
find a hat, hook me up, huh?

Um, sure.

Say it, uh, you know, fell off
the truck or something.

You get me?
Yes, sir.

Ok.
Right.

Well.
See you around.

No, no, no.
I'll be here.

Right.

And give the "5 ph.d."
Business a rest, huh?

Nobody likes hubris.

Excuse me?

Have you learned nothing from
icarus, antigone, pantheus?

Huh.
Good-bye, sir.

Don't forget the hat.

Waters, stormy.
You're free to go.

About frickin' time.

Hanging on that big,
mobby tour group

Outside my
apartment,

It's like, "late
for work. Move."

Ha ha. Could you
people smoke more?

Thank you for your time.

You bet.

[Speaking chinese]

[Chanting in chinese]

Psst! Hey, a little help?
Heh. I'm stuck, you know?

[Squeaks]
hi.

Uh-uh.
Just keep walking, pal.

Yeah, captains only.

Stupid non-captain jerk.

Stranger to captainhood.

Parrot:
man without a hat!

[Monkey chatters]

[Sighs] maybe I could transfer
to spacelab.

Hey, dude.
Aah!

Pull up a crate.

Hey, quinn.
Hey, bony macaroni.

What's up, gorgeous?
[Bones rattle]

[Laughs]

Oh, I sure hate
to see y'all

Sitting at this shabby
little table, sugar.

I'm a skeleton.

I don't know why
you just can't

Swallow your pride
and get an article 4.

And I want you
to promise me...

Yes, ma'am.

Always earn
your own way in life,

Especially if you grow up
and work at some place

Called sealab,
whatever that is.

Yes, ma'am.

I smell toast.

Grammy?

You're being evicted.

Well, I've got
my reasons.

Ow! God!

What in the world?
Oh, my god. Oh, god.

Uh-oh.
Sealab.

It is i, santos.

Regent supreme
of the 7 seas.

My hat
will protect me.

You have sullied
my watery home

With radioactive waste.

For this, your leader
shall be punished.

That is one
big-a*s robot.

Surrender your leader,
and the rest shall live.

Do it not,
and all shall die

In a storm
of rage and hellfire.

Who is the leader?
Answer me.

[Clears throat]
wait.

None of y'all
gonna step up?

Who speaks?

Oh, uh, I do. Me.

And you are
the captain?

Nobody else is gonna...
Man!

Ok. Yes.
I am the captain.

Then steel yourself
for the reckoning.

Ooh, child.

He gonna mess
your a*s up.

Yeah.

Enter santos.

[Indistinct shouting]

Good-bye, non-captain.

Well, I sure hope y'all are
happy with yourselves.

Yeah, I am.

Oh, yeah, I'm happy.
I am.

That worked out
pretty well.

I'm a skeleton.

Santos, away!

Hey, we're still alive.

You bet your buns
you are.

Captain?
Daiquiri?

Hi, quinn.

Alan and some of the guys

Built this thing
in their spare time.

That's what those
meetings were about.

Yeah, we're like, uh, sealab
sucks now, so, you know.

We thought you'd like
to come with us.

We're going to outer space
with the fly honeys.

O-oh!

Outer space?
What... What, forever?

No, no, no, no.
Just for the weekend.

Then we're going
to bermuda.

Yeah, but bermuda
kinda sucks.

Yeah. We're gonna b*mb it.

Heads up, kingston.

Don't let this
happen to you.

If you or someone
you love

Has been injured
by a giant robot,

You may be entitled
to compensation.

Bluster and dollop
sued the robot that smashed me.

He didn't have any money,

But I was able to get
his energy cubes,

Which, it turns out,
are giving me and my dog cancer.

And we'll sue him
for that, too.