03x02 - Tourist Season

[bunniefuu]

[Jamaican accent] discover
a magical world under the sea,

A place where adventure
and magic come together

In a magical adventure
of magic and adventure
for the whole family.

Sealab!

Drown yourself
in a magical adventure!

How much a*s
does that kick?
How much...

You borrowed 100 grand
against sealab to make this?

And now we have to get
tourists to come down here

To pay back the money
you spent on a commercial

To get tourists
to come down here

To pay back the money
we didn't even owe

Before you made
this stupid commercial!

Or we can lose sealab.

And, you know, with
that attitude of yours,

I can go either way.
I really can.

Well, I can't! I'm not gonna
let the damn bank take sealab!

And that can-do
attitude is why

You're
the new head bartender.

[Clamoring]

Welcome to sealab,
everybody!

Grand canyon, my a*s!

When do we eat?

I'm captain murphy,

And you are in for
the vacation of a lifetime!

Breathtaking
undersea adventures,

World-class floor shows
and dining,

And if you came to relax,

Then just put
your chubby legs...



Woman: oh, he has
special needs.

Is that contagious?

No, you silly billy!

It's not contagious.

Well, then, let's get
your amazingly expensive

Sealab vacation started.

[Clamoring]

Man: oh, I'm so excited about
being here and eating food.

Little egg brain
over there,

Isolate and contain.

Ok, yeah,
I'm on it.

Look at me.
Isolate and contain!



[Laughing]

[Clamoring]

Before we start,
I have to...

Do you guys have
an outlet center?

Debbie: hey!

Before we start, I have
to ask a few questions

For safety reasons.

Now, are any women
here pregnant?

Well, maybe tonight after
the big masquerade ball.

Hey-o!

[Laughter]

Paul shaffer look-alike guy,
everybody.

Give him a hand!

You're cuckoo
wacky, babe!

Ha! Ah!

[On bullhorn]
ok. Is anyone menstruating?

[Silence]

I know it's embarrassing,

But this is
for your own safety.

Is anyone menstruating?

Um...

Oh, I am.

You're having
your period now?

Yes, uh-huh, mm-hmm.

Ok, when did
your period start?

I, uh... I, uh...

I think thursday.

You think, or you know?

Come on, big 'un.
Get it together.

Uh, yes. Thursday.
Thursday night, mm-hmm.

Thursday! Ok!

Her period started
on thursday!

Mm-hmm, thursday.

Now, do you
have sex when you're
menstruating?

I, uh... What?

Never mind.

[Bullhorn off]
hey, you're doing great.

[On] all right, now.
Could you do me a favor

And hop in the pool?

Uh, but I'm on my period.

Yes, you've made
that painfully clear.

Now get in the pool.

Ok, um... Here goes.

Watch closely,
everybody.

[Dolphin squeaking]

Woman: oh, oh, my god! Agh!

Oh, my god,
you're k*lling her!

The dolphin
is eating her!

This is... Some
went in my eye!

Debbie: let that be
a lesson to you, people.

Aunt flo drives
these animals crazy.

But the brochure
said there were...

[Stammers]


Down here.

Oh, sure!

There's beyond
liquor dome,

Exscurvy, shank.

So, where do we get
something to drink there, huh?

How 'bout some
breakfast first
there, big guy?

Nope, can't wait.

Can we check on our kids?

No need to worry.

They're having
a great time
with señor clown.

[Baby crying]

Ok, ok.
No, no, no, kid.

Just roll the smoke around
in your mouth.

Learn to savor it.

Señor clown,
I gonna throw up!

That means it's working.
I'm glad.

That's a cohiba robusto.

Señor clown...

It's really bueno, kid.

I want my mommy.

Hey, hey, hey!

Señor clown wants
your mommy, too, kid.

[Crying]

Shut up!

Hey!
[Laughing]

What's that free
welcome aboard drink
like? Is that good?

The welcome aboard
is red wine

With a shot of
mole sauce in it.

[Laughing]

Who the hell
would order that?

Nobody.
Want a martini?

Um, yeah. Two, please.

$22.

For 2 martinis?
Apiece.

Are you serious?

Olive's
a buck extra.

[Stammering]
that's robbery!

Come on. You know
you got to have it.

Look at
your hands shaking.

Mmm. Oh!
Dish it up, cookie!

Hey, how's it
looking, sparks?

Our guests
having a g*y old
sealab time?

Well, most of the adults are
doing the eco-tourism challenge.

Observe.

Debbie love: people,

Today you are not
just tourists.

Mm-mmm!

You are eco-warriors!

Well, in the brochure

It said we'd be tagging
endangered species of fish.

I'm gonna tag
your damn fish, fat man.

What?
Did I ask you to talk?

Let me do that again.
I sorry.

I didn't mean
to cut you off.

What?
Hush!

Now, who can tell me

The ocean's
number one enemy?

Ooh, um, the sky!

The...
[Scoffs]

You're just
talking crazy, fat man!

It's plastic, people.

Plast... Ha ha!
I'm sorry!

Um...
Hush!

So, today we gonna
help save the ocean

By putting these little
chunky plastic bits

In glass safety domes.

Hey, these are just
sealab souvenirs!

You're damn right,
shorty.

Now get to work!

Debbie: and don't mess
with my money, hear?

Hey,
that's my spoon!

'Cause I need to get paid!

And the rest
of the grownups

Are on the moonlight
rendez-cruise.

[Clamoring]

And over there is
some coral and stuff.

I'm really hungry!

Oh, my god, my foot!

Hey, stop the boat, guys.

A man's hurt
back here.

Oh, man, who's
bleeding back there?

Oh, we got
a cut bad!

If you look
right behind you,

You'll see some
of our ocean friends.

And holy crap,
that's a shark!

Oh, my god!

Look at that shark!

Everybody,
give a big shout-out

To carcharodon
carcharias.

Good-looking shark
right there.

How's señor clown
making out?

Yeah, um...

About that.

[Kids crying]

Aaah!

Señor clown!

I want my mommy!

Shut up!
[Crying]

That kid's head
is made of cheese!

Uh, I think
it's just a hat.

Well, I mean,
still, though.

Still what?

Well, let's head
down for dinner.

And the ensalada
pollo loco.

Uh, yeah, chicken
caesar salad with salsa.

It's a big seller.

And the hawaiian
luau salad?

Uh, chicken caesar
with a pineapple ring.

Also quite good.

This menu is crap!

That's
a chicken caesar
with crap on it!

Hey! I don't cook
the [bleep] food!

How dare you?!

How dare you,
you [bleep] slag?!

Paul, do something.

This is
an outrage.

[All yelling]

Hey! Hey, hey!
Calm down!

I demand more food.
Shut up!

Sparks, philly cheese steaks
for everybody!

Oh, yeah,
coming right up, skip.

I'll shove
a cheese steak
up your a*s!

Oh, I seriously
doubt that.

I'll have
that cheese steak.

Either hole, please.

Where is
the money?

Hey, folks,
it's dr. Virjay!

What a totally unexpected,
yet pleasant surprise.

To what do we owe
the pleasure, doctor?

Oh, I am afraid
that pleasure

Is not on the menu
tonight, good sir.

Grave situation?

Oh, yes.

A very grave
situation.

Listen to that, everybody.

Dr. Virjay has
discovered a very rare

And very deadly
disease down here.

Good lord!
A disease!

Disease? Oh, my god.
Is the food ok?

What is it, doc?

Oh, it's seems
the captain knows more
about it than I do.

Please continue.

Oh, no, no!

You're the medical expert.

Oh, it was I who was
third in his class

At the medical college
of mishkotabooty.

Uh, I can only
assume so.

Well, then shut up.

Dear guests,

I am saddened and
indeed quite ashamed

To announce I have
discovered a deadly
virus on sealab.

I'll bet there's no cure.

Damn it, man,
I'm telling it!

What is it?
What is it?
What is it?

Yeah, since you
know so damn much.

This... Shut up...
This disease is
so new and rare

That it does not
have a name yet.

Nice catch.
Shut up!

And the best
course of action

Is for you all to
leave immediately.

Wait, shouldn't
we be quarantined

Until you find out
what it is?

Ordinarily, yes.

Now get out.

Oh, honey!

Wait a minute.
What about our children?

What about our children?

The children must
be quarantined.

But you said...

Woman,
there's no time!

Get your fat a*s
out of here!

Joey, where are you?

Nicely played, doctor.

How can you
say that so smugly?

I have violated the
hippocratic oath.

Well, what am I supposed
to do with these?

Ooh, phillies!

Dig in there, doc!

No, no.

My religion
forbids it.

Oh, what do you care?

You're going to hell anyway
for the hippopotamus thing.

Oh, we do not
believe in hell.

So, what's stopping you?

Well, they... They do
smell delicious.

If you've never had
a philly melt in your mouth,

You shouldn't even be
allowed to use that word.

Oh, krishna,
forgive me.

Yeah, baby! Yeah!

Now, is that not
the best damn thing

You've ever shoved
in your curry hole?

It's like there's
a party in my mouth,

And everybody's...
Hey, whoa!

Take it easy, man!

[Clamoring]

Hey, don't forget
your farewell drink.

Dish it up, cookie!

How do you
expect us to drink

When we're riddled
with disease?

Speak for yourself
there, fella.

Hit me again there,
cookie.

Well...
Yeah!

They're free!

Oh, well, thank god,

'Cause I might as well
get something free

Out of this suck-fest!

Hey, that's
the spirit.

[Horn blasts]

All aboard, sheeple.

Well! Thanks to
my tourism commercial,

We made enough money off
these stupid tourists

To pay back the bank
for the money I borrowed

To make that commercial
to get tourists
to come down here.

And, quinn, you sure
part of the plan's
gonna work?

I put enough sodium amytal
in those drinks

To erase
an elephant's memory.

So they won't remember
anything about coming
to sealab?

They won't remember
who they are.

Plus, stormy took them
to a desert island

Swarming with
huge feral cats.

[Clamoring]

Captioning made possible by
turner entertainment group

Captioned by the national
captioning institute
www.ncicap.org...

Are you done with
the pig's head?

Are you gonna eat that?

So, they'll all
probably die.

Yeah.

Man, I hope you
learned your lesson.

Sure.

Hey! Where are
those stupid kids?

Oh, they're fine.

[Moo]

I said rare,
you little munchkin!

I want the blood
to dribble down my chin

As I sink my pearly incisors
into the well-marbled flesh.

Do you know where
my mommy is?

Who am i, the rockford files?

Tourist: sweet mother of god!

When are we going to eat?