03x10 - Dearly Beloved Seed

[bunniefuu]

♪ If you're looking for me ♪

♪ You better check
under the sea ♪

♪ 'Cause that is
where you'll find me ♪

♪ Underneath the sealab ♪

♪ Underneath the water ♪

♪ Sealab ♪

♪ At the bottom of the sea ♪

Set me up another
round, frannie.

And put out some old home,

'Cause I'm fixing to get
tore out of my frame.

A little early for that,
isn't it, coach?

[Burps]

Not if you
just found out

The last of your
brothers just died.

Oh, you're kidding.
Dude, that sucks!

Damn right it sucks.

So, here's to
achilles...

Hercules...

Odysseus...

Perseus...

And the twins
caster...

And pollux.

Wait.

How'd you end up
named tornado?

'Cause my real
name's bellerophon.

So...

How'd they die?

It was the third
of june,

A sleepy, dusty,
delta day

Up on the tallahatchie
bridge.

Persi died first.

Made his own
bungee jumping rig

Out of a whole
bunch of little
bungee cords and duct tape.

Hey, y'all, watch this!

Aaah!

Oh, no!

The cord totally broke,
right?

Probably would have,

But he didn't measure
the bridge,

So there was still
when he hit.

Dude!

And to make matters
worse,

He jumped holding herc's
favorite chicken.

My chicken!

[Splash]

No way!
Hercules jumped, too?!

Shattered his spine.

But with his
dying breath,

He hollered up
to us...

Oh, this ain't
even my chicken!

Well, whose is it?

Maybe you better
sit down, oddie.

Oh, my chicken!

Aagh!

[Splash]

He loved that bird
something fierce,

But he landed
on herc.

k*lled 'em both
deader than 4:00
in the morning.

Was the chicken ok?

Funny enough,
that old yard bird
lived...

Like a dag-gummed
miracle.

[Slurps]

So, we ate him.

Circle of life, man.

[Burps]

Needless to say,

Mama was pretty tore up
about the whole thing.

You say that's
herc's chicken?

No, it's oddie's.

He's plump.

Hey, here's to your
bean-snapping mother.

And your dead-a*s brothers.

That night,

Castor and pollux
got to drinking.

Then they swore revenge.

Revenge? On who?

On that damn bridge.

They put a 50-
gallon drum of gas

On each end
of the bridge.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Gas... On a wooden bridge?

Yeah, yeah,
that... Shut up.

Then they staggered out
onto the middle
of the bridge...

Wait, whoa, whoa!

The middle of the bridge?

Damn it, can I
tell this, please?

And then they
pulled back on
their mighty bows of yew

And screamed...

That's right!
Here's for
our brothers,

You son of a bitchin' bridge!

Son of a bitchin' bridge
made of wood.

Flammable a*s son of a b*tch
wooden son of a b*tch!

Hey, pollux?

Yeah, castor?

I am drunk as sh...

Dude, I hate that
frickin' bridge!

Ha! I'll drink to that.

But you said
you had 6 brothers.

That's only 5.

Yeah.

Old achilles
died yesterday.

How?

Heart attack
taking a dump.

Circle of life, man.

Ashes to ashes,

Poop to poop.

And so now it's up to me

To continue
the shanks name...

The bloodline.

Aren't you a little
old to have kids?

Yeah, ha ha.
Yes, I am...

Which reminds me
of a funny plot twist!

Get over here,
freak-job!

Are you sure this is gonna
help hesh's rap career?

Now you just make sure
you're at the chapel
on time tomorrow

In man clothes.

Why are these
lilies here?!

These go up
by the altar, girl...

Big table up front...

Got a big-a*s
leather book on it.

Thank you!

Run some of that
weight off,

Maybe somebody would
marry your sorry
a*s.

We about ready to do this?

Almost, but I still
don't get it.

Well, it's simple as pie.

Hesh marries debbie.

They copulate.

Then I adopt their
first-born son, and boom...

The shanks line
continues unbroken.

But if they have a child,

It's not even gonna
share your bloodline.

Well, rome wasn't
built in a day.

What?!

It's right there in the bible.

[Vomiting]

Oh, come on already.

The party can't start
until after the wedding.

Speak for yourself!

Hey, hey! Let me
hit that, holmes.

Ow!

Don't call me holmes,
ma-mucker!

[Vomiting continues]

Dude, come on out and get
a shot of dutch courage.

I resent that phrase!

Get out of here, yost.

Yeah, go roll over
for the nazis.

For your information,

The dutch resistance
was a crucial factor

In the allied victory
in world w*r ii.

Oh, yeah?

Why don't you go
tell that to anne frank?

Hmm!

[Chuckles]

Yost.

Aw, crap!

What?
What?
What?

I was gonna tell yost

To go stick his
finger in a dike.

Shut up.

Plus, that's the oldest
joke in the world.

[Knocking]

Come on out, hesh.

Hesh is sick.

Hesh fell off the wagon last
night at the bachelor party.

You only had one drink.

Other wagon.

Hey, hey! Thanks, heshina.

See you tuesday.

How the hell did
shanks talk debbie

Into marrying
a freaky-deakie

tr*nsv*stite hooker
like hesh?!

Attagirl.

Get a big old
handful.

Are you sure that this
is really trail mix?

Yeah, but with vicodin,
baby aspirin,

And horse tranquilizers.

Well, it's freakin'
delicilous!

Really?
Yeah!

Dig in there, fat stuff.

Well, maybe a couple...

Just to take the edge off.

[Laughing]

But...

Isn't it kind of weird

Quinn asked you to ask me
to marry him for him?

Ha ha ha, yes, it is!

But that's what makes
the plot twist so uh...

So twisty-like!

[Laughs]

You're cute.

Uh, friends
of the bride?

Ha. How'd you know?

Oh. Lucky guess.

Whoa!

Black man chasing hesh!

Whoa!

Get out of my way, woman!

Leave him alone!

If I have
to take my shoe off,

I promise you,
you gonna remember it!

What?!

And when the preacher says,
"or forever hold your
peace,"

You better damn hold it,

Or I'll hold it for you.

[Laughing]

She's gonna
hold your piece.

You two shut up!

Frick and frack,
the dummy twins.

That's all y'all are.

Hmm!

Ha. She ain't
the boss of my a*s.

Ow!

Watch your mouth!

This is a house of god!

Damn it!

Ha! Busted!

Ow!

Ha ha ha!

Ow!

How many shoes
do you have,
woman?!

That was mine,
you crippled b*stard!

Them pills are
making everything

Look all purple and googley.

[Laughing]

I'm hot.

Don't worry,

Yost is on the scene!

Look at your head!

What in the hell
happened here?

I put the fire out.

Oh, go stick your
finger in a dike.

Hmm!

And, you...

You better get yourself
together, girl.

I'm just so happy!

[Sobbing]

[Munching]

[Groaning]

Oh, god, I'm itchy!

What kind of [bleep] idiot

Would make pants out of wool?

Dude, I'm itching
like a b*stard.

You crappy-a*s [bleep],
shut the hell up

So we can get this
[bleep] confusing

Crappy-a*s messed up
[bleep] over with!

Ahem.

It would please me to no end

If you people could
refrain from swearing.

Oh, it burns!

Holy...

Well, I'm waiting
for a thank you.

Ha ha ha!

Oh, we're terrific.

[Wedding march plays]

Sorry, pardon me.

Oh, oops. Sorry.

Wee!
Excuse me, pardon me.

Got it. Sorry.
Wee! Ha ha ha!

Sorry. Sorry.
Wee!

Oh, sorry.
[Laughing]

Special delivery...

Angel from heaven.

Let's do that again!

Ok.

Dearly beloved,

We are gathered here today

To join debra and hesh

In the sacred bond
of holy matrimony.

Hesh wants married sex!

Hey, you!

The groom has requested
to read his own vows.

Yo, yo, yo!

Let me see them
hands, people!

[Rapping]
♪ hup, hup, hup ♪

♪ Come on, y'all,
you can feel the beat ♪

♪ Remember way back
when I was smoking crack ♪

♪ You working the corner
selling that a*s ♪

♪ And I took that rusty pipe
and gave your head that gash ♪

♪ Then took all your cash
and spent it on smack ♪

♪ I feel bad about that ♪

♪ Not really, but yeah ♪

♪ That and the time
I made you shave your cat ♪

♪ Oh, and the time
I said your a*s looked fat ♪

♪ Or when I played the back 9
while you were taking a nap ♪

♪ As a matter of fact,
I've been a downright jerk ♪

♪ Stealing cash from your purse,
but that ain't the worst ♪

♪ Can't believe I'm the guy
who filled your eye with- ♪

[Record scratches]

♪ We went to the e.r.
And I hit on the nurse ♪

♪ Now we're here in church
to make it official ♪

♪ I love you, you b*tch ♪

♪ You're a mother- ♪

[Cuts off]

Uh-oh. Equipment failure.

Hesh beatbox fill.

[Imitates drum machine]

I'm going to enjoy

Watching you die,
mr. Hesh.

No!

Oh, these pills...

Awesome.
You!

You are the one!

Yes.

Hesh is the one
that becomes the one

As hesh is the one.

Vis-a-vis hesh is the one
as hesh chooses to
be the one.

Vis-a-vis hesh believes
because hesh chooses to.

You know,

The dialogue from
the matrix sucks.

[Record scratches]

Sorry.

I love you, all-powerful hesh!

As you should,

For hesh is obviously
the most popular character

The adult swim lineup proclaim.

"And so there is
my sealab script...

"Using the greatest
character ever created...

"Hesh!

The greatest m.c. On earth."

[Panting]

One mike to rule them all!"

Oh!

Timmy! Both hands
on the keyboard!

[Stammers]

Oh, are we not knocking
now, mother?!

Oh! Dinner's ready.

And for the love of god,
wash your hands.

"Farewell, hesh.

My salisbury steak awaits."

That's how I roll.