02x07 - Sphincter Money

[bunniefuu]

[SOOTHING MUSIC PLAYING]

WALT: [GRUNTS]
Get in there. Don't be bashful.

Come on. Dig.

Sorry, fellas. You were saying?

DANNY: So, yeah, we're, uh, hoping

to expand our operation

up into the, uh, Santa Barbara area.

Which would, uh, involve
additional personnel,

office space, et cetera.

And at the moment,
we're not very liquid,

so we're looking
for a short-term loan.

WALT: Give me a number.

Uh, two.

- WALT: Hundred?
- Mil.

Ooh.

That's sphincter money.

[WALT GRUNTS]

Uh, time-out, Olga.

[EXHALES SHARPLY] Let me, uh...

dab my brow.

We-we know it's an ask,
uh, but it's short-term,

and we're happily willing
to pay over prime.

Oh. Well, now I'm insulted.

- Why? What?
- What kind of man lends money

to his friends and charges interest?

I'll tell you. A schmegegge.

That's Yiddish for "schmuck,"

which is Yiddish for "d*ck."

- Good to know.
- We were just trying

to show you a little respect.

Olga, can you give us a minute?

Spasiba.

Believe it or not, she represented

Russia in the Olympics.

Men's hockey?

Danny, don't punch down.

All right, here's the deal.

Let's-let's forget about
this loan nonsense.

Let's call the two million
what it really is:

an investment.

- In what?
- In your operation.

Whoa, whoa. [SCOFFS SOFTLY]

You want a piece of our book?

- Not a lot.
- How much?

Mm...

fifty...

- one percent.
- What? - What?

You said you wanted to show me
respect. That'll do it.

Yeah, but you'll be majority
owner. Then we work for you.

And what's wrong with that?
I'm a nice person.

Well, nobody's saying
you're not. It's just,

uh, we're used to
running our own shop.

Your shop? What are you, a cobbler?

Look at this
from 30,000 feet up, guys.

We'd be creating a super book

that extends from
the onion fields of Oxnard

all the way to the meth labs
of Calexico.

When can you get us the cash?

All right! That's more like it.

[GRUNTS] Can I write you a check?

[CHUCKLES]: I'm kidding. God.

Wh-What's the point of being criminals

if we forget how to laugh?

♪ ♪

- ♪ Hey, Dirty ♪
- ♪ Uh-uh-uh-uh ♪

♪ Baby, I got your money ♪

♪ Don't you worry, I said hey ♪

- ♪ Baby, I got your money ♪
- [SIGHS]

- ♪ Uh-uh-uh-uh ♪
- ♪ Hey, Dirty ♪

- ♪ I said uh-uh-uh, yo ♪
- ♪ Baby, I got your money ♪

- ♪ Said uh-uh-uh-uh, ah ♪
- ♪ Don't you worry, I said hey ♪

- ♪ Uh-uh-uh-uh, yo ♪
- ♪ Baby, I got your money ♪

♪ Baby, you know
I'm-a take care of you ♪

♪ 'Cause you say you got my baby
and I know it ain't true ♪

♪ Is it a good thing?
No, it's bad, b*tch ♪

♪ For good or worse,
makes you switch ♪

♪ So I walk on over with my Cristal ♪

♪ b*tch-a*s n*gg*s, put away
your pist-als, Dirty... ♪

- [INTERCOM BUZZES]
- Hello!

Yeah, we're on the second floor, Walt.

Hey, is my car okay
in the parking lot?

- It's fine.
- There's a man

- in a tent.
- Oh, yeah.

That's Old Jimmy. He's okay.

Can you vouch for the
invisible person Old Jimmy is

- talking to?
- Oh, f*ck, just come up.

- [DOOR BUZZES]
- Did he say why he was here?

I assume it's to check out
his investment.

I already hate this,
and it hasn't even started.

Oh, just keep your
powder dry and be polite.

Somewhere down the road,
we'll figure out

a way to f*ck him in the a*s.

[KNOCKING]

Hey! There he is.

WALT: Boys.

My man! [CHUCKLES]

Right.

[SIGHS]

[GRUNTS]

So...

This is HQ, huh?

Yeah. This is it.

Yeah. The word "squalor"
comes to mind.

Ah, we try and keep a low profile.

Mission accomplished.

Come here. Show you how this works.

Yeah.

What do we got here?

DANNY: These are the accounts.

And these are the line moves.

And over here is this week's handle.

What's your operating system?

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

- You don't know?
- Ray?

I don't know. Ask your sister.

Oh, sweet Jesus.

I own 51% of a lemonade stand.

Well, a lemonade stand
that doesn't pay taxes.

Look, if you don't like
the way we do business,

then we'll gladly give you back
your $2 million.

Great. Please give it back.

I'll call Lorraine, ask her
what the operating system is.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

- It's probably Window something.
- Ah.

CARL: Yo! Big D!

Carl?

- What are you doing?
- What's it look like?

- Taking out the garbage.
- I don't understand.

I'm your new neighbor.

You bought the place?

I stole the place.

Furnished. Mint condition.

I just had to re-carpet

where the former homeowner
blew her brains out.

- I'm living next to a cop?
- Whoa.

When I'm home,
I'm not Detective Lurtsema.

I'm just Carl.

You being a small-time criminal

shouldn't stop either of us
from borrowing a Weedwacker.

Carl?

Hey, baby. Over here.

Who's that?

My new bride.

You come eat dinner.

CARL: Yeah, hold on.

This is Danny, our neighbor.

Danny, this is Sunny.

No, you don't have to bow.

[CHUCKLES] Especially to this monkey.

- Ah. No bow.
- [CHUCKLES]

CARL: Believe it or not,

I financed the house,

but I own her outright.

Whoa.

- That's something.
- I figure

I'm oh-for-three marrying American.

So for number four, I wanted
hot and cold running gratitude.

See? The smile, the nod...

that's all a man wants.

Oh, I'm happy for you.

- Welcome to the neighborhood.
- Yeah.

We're having a little
housewarming barbecue on Sunday.

It'd be great if you
and the family could join us.

Great. Uh, we'll try.

It'll be mainly cops,
but a lot of them are

degenerate gamblers,
so you'll be very popular.

Terrific.

All right. See you then.

'Kay.

He's a dirtbag, but he's my dirtbag.

Yeah? [CHUCKLES]: Oh, how I love that.

Come on.

- [DOOR CLOSES]
- [TV PLAYING QUIETLY]

You know about Carl?

Oh, yeah.

Didn't think to mention it to me?

No.

A dirty cop buys
the house next door...

by the way, thank you for that, Wendy.

Oh, move on.

I liked Nathan and Helen.

They gave us lemons from their tree.

Well, the next time the Blacks riot,

you'll be thanking me,
because your cop neighbor

will be in the front yard
with a 12-gauge shotgun.

That's terrible.

You're what's wrong with this county.

Mom, you're in L.A. now.

You can't ascribe rioting to one race.

We all riot.

Oh. Yeah. Sorry.

I forgot about that time
the Swedes went crazy

and we were all trying
to hide under the bed.

DANNY: You know,

Carl's wife doesn't undermine him.

She smiles, she nods, she even bows.

The only time you bow is
when I drop money on the floor.

f*ck off.

Oh, f*ck.

Rewind. He talked
through the whole program.

[GRANDMA HUMMING]

RAY: Cabbage?

- [CHUCKLES] You smell it?
- Out in the driveway.

And, Grandma, you know
you don't have to cook.

We can just order in.

- You don't like my cooking?
- Oh, I love it.

I just don't want you
to feel like you have to.

Cooking's the only time
my mind is quiet.

- Don't take it away from me.
- All right.

You sleeping any better?

No.

I keep having bad dreams about Frank.

- What about him?
- It's hard to explain.

It's like he's trying
to come to me but he can't.

Huh.

What does "huh" mean?

- I actually don't know.
- [DOOR CLOSES]

Ray, we got to talk.

- It's not a good time.
- What you doing?

I'm cooking. You ain't doing sh*t.

What?

It looks as if our living situation

has taken a turn for the better.

- Oh, you leaving?
- Guess again.

- I'm leaving?
- Ray,

I'm carrying your baby.

Wait, what? No, no, no, no.

Wait, wait. No, h-hold on.
It was just that one time.

Oh, my God.
Do you realize what this means?



- Plus college.
- No!

Frank found a way back!

What's this now?

Oh, he's in there.

- I feel his spirit!
- Ray?

I'm out.

I'm gonna take good care of you,

and we gonna raise this child
with unconditional love.

- Ray?
- You like cabbage?

Frank loved cabbage.

[CHUCKLING]

I need you guys to run this down
to Walt Disney in Newport.

I can do it. I don't need him.

- I want you both to do it.
- Why?

I don't need a why. Just do it.

Jesus, what crawled up your a*s?

I don't know.

A cop, a mother-in-law,

a wife, WNBA... how much time you got?

Okay, okay. Come on, I'll drive.

- I'm happy to drive.
- Maybe I don't want you happy.

What's with you?

- I'm fine.
- Ray.

If I tell you,
it opens me up to ridicule,

- and I'm in no g*dd*mn mood.
- Oh, come on.

It can't be any worse
than what I'm going through.

- You want to bet?
- C-note?

Done.

Janelle's pregnant.

sh*t.

Thank you.

Oh, it gets worse.

- Double or nothing?
- You're down.

Grandma thinks the baby is

the reincarnation of Frank.

Oh! Damn it.

Thank you.

[BOTH EXHALE]

I'm tired. You tired?

I feel like crying.

- Should we pull the rip cord?
- Costa Rica?

Maybe we could get
'em to buy out Walt.

Make the call.

You know, for what it's worth,

if we like what we see down there,

no good reason to come back.

[EXHALES]

["BARK AT THE MOON"
BY OZZY OSBOURNE PLAYING]

♪ Screams break the silence... ♪

Listen, before we go in there,
we got to get our sh*t straight.

There's nothing to get straight.
You ripped me off.

For the last time,
I did not rip you off.

Oh, so you and Walt freezing me
out is just me being paranoid?

The reason you're paranoid, Hector, is

you smoke so much weed
your brain is f*cking oatmeal.

Oh, yeah? Let's do The New York Times

crossword puzzle right now,
you and me.

We'll see whose cerebral
cortex is up to snuff.

Oh, did I lose you?

It's the thinking part of the brain,

where you store your Twinkies.

[SIGHS HEAVILY]

Here.

Uh, I'm gonna want to count this.

- Are you serious?
- How do I know you two dipshits

didn't take out a hundie
and hit the Cheesecake Factory?

Fine, count it.

They have a great menu.

- Nice view.
- Thanks.

Yeah. You know that old Jesus joke?

"I can see my house from here."

I can see my boat from here.

Oh, you have a boat? Cool.

Yeah.

Big beauty in the third slip.

LORRAINE: Do you take
it out on the ocean much?

No, No. Not that kind of boat.

And we're good.

Help yourself to nothing
on the way out.

That was my hat.

It was my hat.
I told you to wear the hat.

- Fine! It was your idea.
- Thank you.

Hector, he's got the hat.
What does that tell you?

That you ripped me off
and you're in business with him.

No, it means he ripped us both off.

- How's that work?
- Isn't it obvious?

He owns the storage units

where all the shrooms
suddenly went missing.

And the hat means he stole our hustle.

And turned us against each other.

Divide and conquer.

sh*t.

Yeah.

I'm so sorry I blamed you.

I'm sorry, too.

Even when I hate you, I love you.

- What?
- You heard me.

Here we go.

- RAY: Thank you.
- DANNY: Thank you.

This is to a new leash
around our f*cking neck.

Skoal.

MICKEY: What, are
you guys getting married?

- Ah, we're just dating.
- [LAUGHS]

- Vacation or business?
- A bit of both.

Quick, what's the line
on KC and Tampa?

KC minus eight.

[LAUGHTER]

- I f*cking knew it.
- Yeah.

You can't sh*t a shitter, buddy.

Hey, I'm Mickey Smith.
This is my partner Lou Smith.

- How you doing?
- Small world.

- Danny Smith. This is Ray Smith.
- [LAUGHTER]

We're probably all from the
same little village in Ireland.

[LAUGHTER]

Hey, honey, we're gonna need a
drink here, and keep 'em coming.

We operate outside Boston.
Worcester, Revere, Framingham.

Oh. We're Los Angeles.

- Ooh, fancy.
- Fancy.

[LAUGHTER]

Hey, who's the most famous c*cksucker

you ever took a bet from?

What do you think?

The kid from 90210?

Nah. Charlie Sheen.

I f*cking love him! He's a pissah.

[LAUGHTER]

BOTH: Winning!

- [LAUGHTER]
- LOU: We had a guy

used to yell that at us on the phone

- whenever he had good week.
- [LAUGHTER]

- He's dead now.
- Yeah.

MICKEY: Hey, honey, what am I,

on a f*cking cargo ship over here?

Come on, sprinkle the infield!
Give us a drink!

Sir, I will not be talked to that way.

Ooh, ooh. Hashtag me also.

Hey, where you going with the cart?

Okay, number one.
Drop a dime, get him arrested.

HECTOR: For shrooms in California?

That's as ill*gal
as blueberry muffins.

Well, then, it's ice pick.

Really? That's it?

I don't hear you pitching anything.

Well, I was hoping
we could come up with

something a little less medieval.

Well, I'm not
talking about k*lling him.

- Then what?
- You insert the pick

between the sixth
and seventh vertebrae,

and for the rest of his life,

he'll be driving a wheelchair
with his tongue.

How do you know this?

- I just know.
- What else?

Well, if you want to play
softball with the guy,

you figure out what he loves
and you take it away.

He sure made a point of bragging about

that dumbass boat.

Yeah, I was on that thing.

He loves it like a baby.

Oh, you were on it?
Why were you on it?

Hector, don't go backwards.

You're right.

It still stings, though.

LOU: So, uh, you guys going down to CR

to make a deposit, withdrawal?

Who the f*ck knows?

We got slammed. Now we got to give

one of these offshore books
a reach-around.

Not the end of the world.
I mean, we're with Spread 'Em.

Jumped ship from Rumble
after Vantage went t*ts up.

Please don't take this personally,

but doesn't that make you
feel like sorry-a*s b*tches?

I kind of take umbrage.

Yeah, you give up some control,

but look at the bright side.

You get your f*cking life back.

LOU: Since we made the move,

I've seen every single one

of my son Tommy's hockey games.

You're a good father.
He's a good father.

Well, second family.
You learn from the first.

- [GRUNTS]
- If you need some introductions,

we'd be happy to provide entrée.

Oh, thanks,
but we got to meet up with Omni.

- Omni, ah. You'll be hunky dory.
- You'll be farting through silk.

In the meantime, uh,
you should take advantage

of the, uh, local color.

MICKEY:
Hey, here's a word to the wise.

Avoid the hookers
in the open-air market.

'Cause last time we were
down there, Louie boy here

- got a case of the drip-d*ck.
- Ah.

I mean, the marriage is
okay now, but woof.

I had to buy Sheila
a f*cking Range Rover.

[LAUGHTER]

[GRUNTS]: Excuse me, guys.

I'll be right back. [EXHALES]

Hey, what the f*ck is with this guy?

That's his third trip to the bathroom.

Prostate.

Yeah, me, too.

Mine's gone. Good riddance.

To a healthy stream.

Hear, hear. [CHUCKLES]

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

- Buenas t*rd.
- Buenas t*rd.

Danny Colavito and Ray Ballard
to see Nick Quatrani.

I just want to see you. [LAUGHING]

[CHUCKLES]

Easy.

He's expecting you. Follow me.

Okay, I get it.

It's like two kittens
wrestling in a pillowcase.

- [BUSY CHATTER]
- [PHONES RINGING]

Jesus.

I have seen the future,
and it is not us.

Mr. Quatrani, your guests are here.

Thank you.

- What?
- NICK: I can't believe it.

The cream of the crop
finally gets on a plane

and honors me
with your August presence.

Costa Rica Nick.

Quite an operation you have here.

Thank you.

It's a new world, boys.

The computer, the crypto,
logarithms, algorithms,

- I got rhythms.
- [RAY CHUCKLES]

Come, sit. Coffee?

- RAY: Please.
- DANNY: Thank you.

All right.

So, talk to me, fellas.

How is life back in the States?

Well, couldn't tell you.
We live in California.

[CHUCKLES]
Yeah, I'd go back and visit,

see my sister,

but, uh, I got this peptic ulcer.

Can't do jail food.

- The secret is to order kosher.
- Wait a minute.

You're, uh... you were away
in Folsom, weren't you?

I like to say I lived
in a gated community.

[NICK LAUGHS]

I'm gonna steal that.

So, should we talk turkey?

- Go.
- Gentlemen,

what percentage of your lives
is spent on the phone?

I have no life.

My phone might as
well be a suppository.

Why I asked.
We could free you from all that.

We set the line, we take the action,

- we do the bookkeeping.
- What do we do?

You already did the hard part:
bringing us your clients.

And it's still a cash world,
so there's pickups and payoffs.

How fixed are you to help us
buy out a third partner?

Mm.

I'm guessing
an unwelcome third partner.

A malignant skin tag.

Yeah, they happen.

Oh, yeah, there was a time
you could simply

stick a guy like that in a barrel

and liquify him with acid.

- My wife saw that show.
- What show?

Never mind. Go ahead.

So, we front you whatever's required.

You pay us back out of proceeds,
reasonable rates.

- Prime plus one?
- Yeah, something like that.

What do you say, boys?

Come on.

You gonna go to the prom
with me or what?

- Could you give us a few minutes?
- Absolutely.

We're gonna take a walk,
maybe buy you a corsage.

I'm tingling.

[GROANING]

[SIGHS]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

It's open. [SIGHS]

[GROANS, SIGHS]

Kind of busy. This better be good.

- Oh, it is.
- You d*ck.

Thought we were gonna ease into it.

- Ease into what?
- Really?

- We got to lay it out for you?
- Please.

I'm two quarts into

- my Bowel Blow.
- Your what?

My procto's scoping me in the morning.

Needs a clean runway.

We know it was you
who stole the shrooms.

And the hat.

What is it with you and that hat?

Just admit it, Walt.

sh*t. Seeing as I'm about to
sh*t my brains out, fine.

Yes. Guilty as charged. Are we done?

No, we are not.

[GROANS]

See your boat down there?

Yeah. Why?

You love it, right?

I'll ask you again. Why?

Watch.

- [LORRAINE SIGHS]
- What am I looking at?

- sh*t, let me try that again.
- [GROANS]

I think you hit Instacart.
Close that out.

LORRAINE: All right, here we go.

- [FLATULENCE]
- Oh!

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

- Oh, no. No, no, no.
- [FLATULENCE CONTINUES]

No, no!

♪ ♪

[CHITTERING]

What do you think?

Should we get into bed with this guy?

I don't think we have a choice.

Yeah.

It's just so dirty.

- What?
- Straight ahead. Twelve o'clock.

- The churro guy?
- One o'clock.

Are you kidding me?

Oh, Gregory!

♪ J'aime ♪

♪ J'aime ♪

♪ I love Jimmy Luxury ♪

- ♪ J'aime ♪
- ♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ La-da-da-da ♪

♪ I'll see you tomorrow in Havana ♪

♪ I love Jimmy Luxury ♪

♪ Hey, hey, la-da-da-da. ♪