02x10 - Floaties

[bunniefuu]

Hold all my... Whoa!

[laughing]

♪ Boss Baby ♪

♪ I'm the boss
Dial in to the meeting ♪

♪ Everybody here
Please, find your seating ♪

♪ While you're teething
I'm sinking my teeth in ♪

♪ First one to show
So I can do all my greeting ♪

♪ Profits, payrolls, and pacifiers ♪

♪ I make friends
I love you, you're hired ♪

♪ So come on and raise
Your juice boxes skyward ♪

♪ Boss babies until we retire ♪

-♪ Boss Baby ♪
-♪ Tell them who this is ♪

-♪ Boss Baby ♪
-♪ I'm a legend, mythic ♪

-♪ Boss Baby ♪
-♪ Can a baby get a witness? ♪

♪ Grab a high chair
This the family business ♪

♪ Boss Baby ♪

"Floaties" on threes. Ones, twos...

-Floaties.
-Uh...

Yeah, no good.
No bigs. Plenty time for more.

You excited?

For Floaties? Oh, totally.
I've never actually been before.

It's the best ever--

I know it's gonna be perfect.

I'll sort out my many
personal and professional struggles

over a few days' vacation
at an all-inclusive baby resort.

Wanna try another?

[both] Floaties!

You're a working baby. You know how it is.

One day, your sister's pony
runs away to figure her life out

after a run-in with a baby villain.

Next day, your cute cousin makes you feel
you're short-changing Mommy and Daddy

on the snuggles
they'd get if you were a regular baby.

And you think maybe
that runaway pony was onto something.

But, gosh, if I run off
to vacation-solve all my problems,

who's thinking of our clients?

-Do they need me?
-Floaties!

-Can I borrow that? Thanks.
-Oi.

[Boss Baby]
Buongiorno, my new Italian babies.

[sniffs]

[speaking Italian]

[cell phone rings]

Can you reach me at Floaties

if something's wrong
with Pterodactyl Baby or Untalented Baby?

I'll keep naming babies
if you don't answer.

Answering with a question.

Do you think I can't run an office solo?

Answering you with a quiz.

I name a client,
you describe the hug I invented for them.

Question one--

Answering with a noise.

Teddy? [grumbles]

-You need to let go.
-Sorry.

I meant, let go of your work.
Otherwise, you end up like that.

No, no, I'm still en route.

My chili-for-brains assistant
booked the wrong flight.

-[babies babbling]
-Ugh. Tons of babies on this plane.

Yeah, I saw the production costs.

We sell moist towelettes,
not Italian loafers.

Come on, I'm nothing like that.

[snoring]

Remember clocking in?

Spending all day
type-type-typing up reports?

Those unsatisfying lunches at your desk?

The...

[yawning]

late nights?

Remember all that?
Because I don't anymore.

-[back cracks]
-Oh! Ooh.

Floaties,
the five star-shaped-block resort

where working tots go
to be pampered like regular babies,

and have a little fun.

I right well plan to, boyo.

-Whoo!
-[all cheering]

[Tina] This place is...

[Lex] You skimp on towelette moisture,
know what you got?

A napkin.

My connecting flight's not for a bit.
I need a room.

Oh! You're a baby.
I thought you worked here.

Nobody works here,

but I am the manager.

-Welcome to Floaties Baby Resort.
-[gasping]

While your arrival at this haven
for talking babies was an accident,

causing your brain to feel like
it dove into a pool of mousetraps,

we hope you'll let our Floaties family

soothe your stresses away,

until life makes sense again.

It's like an office computer
screensaver come to life.

[gasps] This is mine?

You are Tina Templeton, yes?

Is that a friendship bracelet?
Yeesh. Give me a nickname first.

Kidding. I have one. It's Tina-Beana.
Bo-Beana if we're besties.

This is your Paradise Key.

It's for access to your cabana,
and is the only payment necessary

for meals or daytime activities.

And nighttime activities?

There are
no nighttime activities at Floaties.

And you are good to float.

Who is this cutie pie?

[Yasa] Bobber the Cub.

Our mascot
and spiritual guide to taking it breezy.

If you're thinking about work,
give Bobber a tap.

He's full of fun ideas
to enjoy at Floaties.

Mm! I love him.
You guys thought of everything.

No, we just thought of you.

Ooh, phone. I should check--
Nope, you're right, Bobber.

I am letting work go.

Any ideas?

[Bobber on watch]
Let's dig holes on the beach.

You dug a hole into my mind, and read it.

-Is this where you're hiding, Precious?
-Who's hiding?

Folks gotta know Mike Tullyhouse better
before they call me Precious.

Sorry, thought you were someone else.
[groans]

[Bobber]
Enjoy an ice-cold tropical formula.

Ah.

Mayonnaise City needs you.

[shrieks]

It's not working.
Relax my worries away harder.

[Bobber] Join a crawling tour
to learn about the local plant life.

And under those very palm trees in 1807,

Sticks Stuff in Mouth Baby invented
the idea of eating fistfuls of dirt.

[crowd clamoring]

[shouting]

Look how much love for us fell
because you're not working!

[Bobber] Try relieving your anxiety
by checking in at work.

-Finally.
-I didn't say that.

You pretended I did.

That's enough out of you.

[cell phone ringing]

What's wrong?

New loafers.

So treacherous.

So Italiano.

Are the clients okay?

You want to turn this
into a working vacay?

Aw. So proud.

You're like me.

I am not. I'm relaxing. I just wanna--

We'll pull an all-nighter. What's a good
fax number to send trend forecasts?

Block this number.

-[Bobber] Care to try a massage?
-No, I am not turning into Boss Baby.

Sorry. Massage sounds great.

[cell phone beeps]

[Cassandra] Ooh.
The tension is like a jack-in-the-box

inside a jack-in-the-box.

How often do you get to just relax?

Recently? Feels like ne-- [burps] Whoa.

That's normal.
It's a shiatsu burping massage.

The stress comes out like that.

Well, it is working-- [burps]

Sorry, lot of stresses up in-- [burping]

Shh. No words.

Just the sound of troubles escaping
in esophageal eruptions.

[burps]

Sorry, I know I'm talking too-- [burps]

You must be sick
of my complaints about work. [burping]

You haven't
mentioned your job once since we started.

[burps] I haven't?

We did it, Bobber.
We're finally letting it out.

[farting]

Also normal.

Now let's have a real vacation.

Off-beat head bobs.

Knees bending
like they got licorice inside.

I'm dancing like a baby.

Nothing's gonna make me
worry about work ever again.

Thank you, my play friends.

[gasps]

I have just one more song to play,

a special lullaby for a special baby

who is oh-so-far from home.

No.

[Crispin playing "Rock-A-Bye Baby"]

Bye.

[snoring]

-[balloon pops]
-Look out, Tina, Crispin Biscuits is here!

You.

I hope you aren't upset
about the trick I played.

I only wanted you to get some rest.

Blah, blah, creepy veiled threats
in a posh accent. I get it.

Tell me your plan, so I can squash it
without wasting our time.

I'm just here as an oh-so-very-good friend

to make sure you have
the baby vacation you deserve.

Hey, you two.
Can I see some Paradise Keys?

Got a tip that a musically talented baby
snuck onto the island.

-He's the one you're looking for.
-Sorry, I've been naughty.

And talented, you say?
I mean, I've barely had lessons.

All right, trespasser,
you're on the first flight off the island.

Apologies, Ms. Biscuits.

What? No, he's Biscuits.

-Not what your Paradise Key says.
-What?

My Bobber was drinking a pineapple.
This isn't my wristband.

I am not Crispin Biscuits.

Mine says Rick,

and Rick I am.

Your bracelet says Biscuits,
you're Biscuits.

These are the facts of life.
They ground me.

[grunts]

Have just a marvelous holiday,

Crispin Biscuits.

-[bell rings]
-Take this off. It's Crispin Biscuits's.

What befell yours?

-It was taken off.
-By whom?

Crispin Biscuits.

You, Ms. Crispin Biscuits?

No, I don't miss him. Crispin's a madman.

It's pronounced "madame."

But I understand. We are babies.

Madman.

The Platinum Parental Parenting
Pampering Experience you purchased

kicks in today.

You have impeccable taste,
Madame Biscuits.

-What?
-I'll fetch your activity attendant. Hugo.

-Who?
-Go.

Yes?

Escort Madame Biscuits
to her next activity.

What just happened?

Are you talking?
Are you trying to talk to me?

What? Yes, of course, I am.

You don't say.

What? What are you doing?

My job is to provide...

My job is to provide the endless
positive parental reinforcement that comes

with the Platinum Parental Parenting
Pampering Experience, Madame Biscuits.

It's weird. And stop calling me--

Listen to me, Hugo.

My name is Tina.

Tina Templeton.

And I can prove it.

Hey there.

Remember me?
Tina Templeton? Yesterday's massage?

Sorry, I'm great with backs,
but terrible with faces, Ms. Biscuits.

Ignore the bracelet. It's me, Tina.

I know you remember this.

[farting]

Wow, passed gas
on the massage table is part of the job.

But blowing a swamp kiss
in the middle of a conversation?

That's rude. Good day, Ms. Biscuits.

That's not who I am.

Yeah,
she prefers Madame Biscuits or Crispin.

Maybe Criz-Biz.
We haven't tried it, but it's cool.

I liked you better
when you were my pineapple Bobber.

Still gonna give you kissies,
but I'm not gonna mean it as much.

[Lex] Hugo.

What it be?

Hey, always good, Mr. Tina.

Always good.

-What did you call him?
-You know Mr. Tina Templeton?

This is my Bobber.

This is my wristband. I'm Tina Templeton.

-Uh, Hugo?
-Sorry, Mr. Tina.

I am Tina Templeton.

Yeah, we all wish
we were Mr. Tina Templeton sometimes.

My advice?

Chill it down,
and let this baby resort smooth away

all your recent personal
and professional struggles, girlfriend.

[groans] This will be
the worst week of my baby life.

Great, the worse this week is,
think how much better

your three months here will seem.

Three months?

Paid in advance.

And we appreciate the trust
you've placed in us, Madame Biscuits.

[Tina groans]

Pick up. Pick up.

Teddy, Crispin Biscuits made me into him.
I'm stuck at Floaties while he plans--

[operator] Sorry, your number is blocked.

It's just you and me, beach bum Bobber,
who's not mine, but is winning my heart.

Biscuits thinks he can trap me?
This baby's checking out.

Every flight's full?

No, I didn't know the ferry boat
was stolen by pirates.

Do you have their number?

Arr, mateys, I be wondering if--

Hello? Hello?
Front desk? What happened to the pirates?

Forget it, I need your help.

No, I won't come by tomorrow.
I am marching over there right now.

What kind of baby resort doesn't
have a single night-light? [gasps]

-[baby screaming and crying]
-[gasps]

Hello? Is someone out there?

Do you have a ring tone
that sounds like pure terror?

[shrieks]

[crying]

[screams] Zombabies!

Whoa, whoa, not cool.

We prefer the term Night Terror Babies.

Tons of babies get the terrors.

That's why our guests
stay in their rooms at night.

We don't want them getting scared.

-It's not that scary.
-[shrieks]

[bell ringing]

How does paradise find us
this morning, Madame Bisc--?

Nope, I don't care
what my bracelet tells you,

or how long Crispin Biscuits prepaid.

I want off this island
faster than I'd high-five a monkey.

If you insist.

Type something that makes a plane come.

-I'm waiting for you to insist.
-I insist.

[speaking Portuguese]

You must really be enjoying yourself.

Remember the message
you sent upon booking with us?

"If I insist to be let off the island,

that means I'm scared
of how much figgy-plum fun I'm having."

I didn't write that.
I don't know what figgy-plum fun is.

I was hoping you'd explain,
but continuing your note.

"I might play dumb..." Mm-hm...

"cry, scream, complain, or deflect.

This is how I relax. Ignore me
and let me continue my holiday."

Give me that figgy-plum paper.
I've never used it before, I swear.

As soon as I heard it, I had to try it.

Hugo.

Uh, I don't need a vacation anymore.
All my problems went away. I'm cured.

Let me off this island.

May I splish-splash, Crispin?

I'm not Crispin. I'm not Crispin.

Menu, Madame Crispin?

I'm just saying, your cruise ship
is only a Panama Canal away.

Hands up
into swinging mobile, Ms. Biscuits.

You're not Crispin.

I'm not Crispin.

Let go of the tension

and just let yourself be you, Crispin.

[groans]

Your hot-air balloons
are for recreation only.

If I have fun, will you come get me?

-Hang loose, Crispy B.
-[groans]

I don't care what you say.
I'm not him. He's not me.

Me no be no Crispin Biscuits.

[groans]

[all] Hey, Crispin. Hey, Crispin.

Hey, Crispin...

-[phone rings]
-Yes, hi, hi. New Hampshire Pizza?

No, I don't want
your Live Free or Diet Pizza.

I want your help.
My name's Crispin Biscuits.

[gasps]

No!

No, no. I'm not Crispin. I'm Tina.

But Tina wouldn't be mean to pizza people.

Crispin's mean.

Yeah, she is.

He is. I am.

You are.

-What is happening to me?
-[baby crying]

Hey, hey.

Careful.

Who's supposed
to be watching out for you? Hey.

Stick with me. I'll protect you.

You and me both.

Where is everyone?

Night terrors again?

It's okay. I kept an eye out for you.
My winking one.

-Whoa!
-Easy. How about I walk you to bed?

Thank you so much.

You were a huge help tonight.

Look at you, smiling like
Daddy made pancakes shaped like pandas.

Me? What's got you so grinny-gums?

Answering you with a quiz.
What's Tina's favorite thing to do?

-Pumpkin--
-Besides pumpkin carving.

I really like helping babies. [gasps]

I can build a raft to get off this island.

Whoa! Where did that come from?

This brain runs on caring about others.

Baby, we just
found ourselves a refueling station.

Night Terror Baby.

Helping her makes me feel like myself.

-Other than I'm talking to a puddle.
-And a bracelet.

I did not ask
to get involved in this batch of crazy.

Forget vacation.

You're a baby who fixes things.

And it's time to get to work.

Ms. Biscuits, you are one skilled yogi.

Or did you prefer
Madame Biscuits? I forget.

Whatever you want. Gotta go.

-You think you can fix my night terrors?
-I know I can.

I'll try anything to get a good sleep.

First time I tried pineapple,
I loved it so much, I ate the whole thing.

I had the fruit sugies so bad,

I spent nap time
teaching myself to juggle.

Oh, wow.

Yeah. We don't get this much
fresh fruit at Baby Corp Alaska.

That has to be it, then.
Night terrors cured.

-[crying]
-Well, it's not the sugies.

I'll keep an eye on you
while I gather sticks for my raft.

If the marks on my legs
are from my diaper being too tight,

that's causing the night terrors?

That is the only thing it could be.

[baby crying]

Hmm. Looser diaper ain't helping.

We may have overcorrected.

Don't worry,
I won't raft away until I figure this out.

Careful, that's hot.

[gasps]

Sunblock?

You get overheated all day,
then can't sleep at night.

It just makes sense.

-[crying]
-Come on. What could it be?

Whoa, someone's watch is on Alaska time.

That's it.

She's jet-lagged.

You're jet-lagged.

Can you cancel this one's wake-up call
and schedule an extra nap?

You got it.

Your friend did not show, Madame Biscuits.

I don't even care what you call me,
because that is great news.

Ah.

We did it.

[baby] Yeah, we did.

Why are you awake?
Shouldn't you be sleeping peacefully?

Oh. My turn to wipe down the beach chairs.

You'd think after staying up late,
pretending to have night terrors,

management would
give me time off, but nope.

Pretending?

Smart thinking on the time change.
Was I too obvious when I mentioned Alaska?

I thought about winking,
but you caught it.

This was all fake?

I prefer to call it a faithful simulation.

I did research for this role.
Took me weeks to get the shrieks right.

[shrieks]

Wait, that sounded off.

But I'm a baby who fixes things.

Hope you got your money's worth
on our Help a Troubled Baby add-on.

If you'd like another round,

I was thinking I'd pretend to fear
sentences that end in a question mark?

You were built on a lie, Rafty.
I'm never getting off this island.

We'll be play friends forever.

[screams]

I'm Crispin Biscuits.

[baby] Yes, you are Crispin Biscuits.

Been a long night?
Let's get you back, Ms. Biscuits.

Biscuits.

Biscuits. Biscuits.

An excellent choice.

Biscuits.

Voilà. What will madame
wash the biscuits down with?

[speaking French]

Juice of the apple?

Biscuits.

Uh...

If Madame Biscuits
wants to drink biscuits,

then biscuits are what
Madame Biscuits gets with her biscuits.

Biscuits.

Biscuits.

But of course.

Biscuits.

Biscuits.

Biscuits.

Biscuits.

Biscuits. Biscuits.

I apologize, but the biscuits sont finis.
There are no more.

So if I may trouble you for payment?

Biscuits.

And, boop, there we go.

Whoa. I want you
to have an amazing time here at Floaties.

-But you can't keep spending like this.
-Biscuits?

Yeah, it's wild,
there's a food named after you,

but I don't want you running out of money
before you run out of vacation.

Money!

Yes, tell me more
about the Live Free or Diet Pizza

on this expensive international call.

Have any shades that cost more?

Ooh! Bring them here, and start feeding.

That will cost extra, madame.

I sure hope so.
And give yourself a nice juicy tip.

New Hampshire Pizza, you cool by me.

I cool by you?

That's cool.

Madame Biscuits, I warned you.

I am afraid
you must leave Floaties at once.

Your account's funds are depleted.
Beyond depleted.

You now owe us a large sum of money.

Send in your debt collectors.

Big scary types with names like
Cyclone Saint Macaroni and Basement.

You have an address
for me, Crispin Biscuits?

That busy workaday world tries to tell you

you should be this, shouldn't do that,
and I got so mixed up.

I didn't know what I was looking for
when I came to Floaties,

but what I found was me.

I make my own life.

Because I am Tina Templeton.

Nope, that's me.

-Wait. Then who am I?
-[cell phone buzzes]

Hello? Messy Wings Johnson.
You old bird dog.

How many moist towelettes today?

[Crispin] Of course I'm still here.

I'm known for my tenacity and patience,

even on hold.

Is the grappling hook
still available in crimson?

What do you mean, my credit was declined?

"Reclaiming property
due to credit overdrafts at Floaties"?

Good game, play friend.

My turnsies.

[theme music playing]

♪ Boss Baby ♪

♪ Boss Baby ♪

♪ Boss Baby ♪

♪ Boss Baby
Tell 'em who this is ♪

♪ Boss Baby
I'm a legend, mythic ♪

♪ Y'all heard the story
But you know what the twist is? ♪

♪ Welcome to the family business
Boss Baby ♪