02x15 - The Unshakeable Bear

[bunniefuu]

Hold all my-- Whoa!

[laughing]

[phone dialing]

-[phone line ringing]
-[JJ whimpering]

-I'll be three minutes.
-[Tabitha] Hello?

We're an hour out of Chicago.
How's the search for Bradley?

No leads yet,
but I'm in a good position to get intel.

Those are some handsome financials.
But I move we take five for a snack break.

[enthusiastic chattering]

I recognize that unnerving
enthusiasm for snacks.

Are you on the board of my old company?

-Sold stock and bought a seat.
-That's perfect, but be careful.

That's the viper-weasels

who ripped off the company
and sent me running!

Exactly why I'm picking this pack
of rich lowlifes apart, one by one.

Plan on having your business back
by the end of the week.

No mustard? I quit!

Actually, end of the day.
I just didn't want to brag.

You're a creature of pure corporate
savagery and I'm touched.

I can't take anything back
until I make a deal with the feds.

And I got no deal without Dr. Thubbeirhd,
and I can't find him without Bradley,

so you know my old office?

-[Tabitha] You mean my new office?
-[Boss Baby grunts]

I'll allow it. I made a file on Bradley--

-Why would you--?
-Keep dossiers on friends and family

for gift-buying purposes and revenge,
if it comes to it.

I will. I'm inside. Where's the file?

No, it's not in there.

For security, it's with
an ex-prizefighter named Knuckles Dewitt.

-Where do I find him?
-Only one person knows.

-How's your Turkish?
-My dad taught me:

[in Turkish]

Good enough. Bring a very specific,
very small trombone forged by jazz goblins

for a 15th-century boy prince
to the Turkish consulate.

The trombone is in my drawer, bottom left,
underneath the false bottom--

[shrieks]

-[plays comical notes]
-Bradley, out!

♪ Oi! Beware! Beware! Beware! ♪

♪ Oi! Beware! The Unshakeable Bear! ♪

[dramatic music playing]

[gasps]

Ready to reconvene?

Save my seat!

The property doesn't have a roof?

-It has the opportunity for a roof.
-[Tabitha] Mom!

A sec, Tabs. Mommy's unloading
bad real estate onto rich idiots.

-[Joaquin] Hey!
-I found Bradley!

He's getting away.
I have a meeting. Can you catch him?

Mi vida, chasing runaway babies
is 90% of parenting.

[Boss Baby] Tabitha?

-Hello?
-We're exposed here.

Just one more call.

[rings]

Tina Templeton speaking.

Who is--? Chip?

-Why are you answering?
-I wish it was just Tina's phone.

We got Dez taken into custody.

Aubrey's undercover
as the Shrinkies' new leader.

And Tina's stuck
with her cousin and grandma.

-[Boss Baby] Do you mean my mom--?
-Nope.

The scary one.

[Boss Baby] Ugh.

Can you try transferring me
to Tina's monitor?

[gasps] We stayed too long. It's the feds.

Oh, never mind.

Just an old lady out for a--

-[all shriek]
-In the bus!

[babbling]

Aubrey!

Tina! You okay?
Can I get anything for you?

You're sweet, but I'm averaging 25 seconds
between suspicious-Yaya check-ins,

so quick survey, how are you?

Being in charge sounds fun.

But my guts feel like I swallowed
a basketball with centipedes.

You're not alone. Except, literally.

As soon as I can slip away,
I'll be there to take down the Shrinkies.

Just keep them busy
not doing crimes, okay?

[all chanting] Crimes! Crimes! Crimes!

I don't know.

These babies really wanna do crimes.

You have great ideas,
you believe in yourself. Bye!

Okay.

Fellow criminals hiding out as babies!

We're gonna do team-building activities
that will be very fun and time consuming.

Can the activities be crimes?

Anything feels like a crime if you're
having so much fun it should be ill*gal.

Let's go!

[Phyllis] It was the freakiest thing
I've ever seen, Marsha,

and I've been to Connecticut.

[Marsha] You had no way of knowing this
was no ordinary baby stealing your jewels,

but an adult criminal
lurking in baby form?

How could I?
It looked like every other baby.

They could be anywhere.

Yes, H. Phyllis Sky-Larkin. I know.

Why, hello there, baby in a dark alley.

-[phone ringing]
-My guard is down. But what's this?

-Oh! My jewels!
-"Ga-ga goo," you mug.

[shrieks]

Mommy!

Tina-bina?

Oh, I miss you--
Wait, why'd you answer? Is Yaya okay?

No, she's annoying.

She's been watching news and thinks
me and Lil Bit are fake baby criminals.

Why would she think that about Lil Bit?

And...

And you too, of course.

You know, you actually do talk
and you answered a cell phone.

-[Tina babbling]
-[shrieks]

I knew it!

Mom? What's wrong? You didn't answer.

But your daughter did.

Or the adult criminal
pretending to be your daughter.

I do not trust Lil Bit.

Stop watching shows
that make you paranoid.

-These are your granddaughters.
-Really?

Do you swear, on my life,

that Lil Bit and Tina
are 100% ordinary babies?

-Uh...
-You paused!

Delincuentes! Stay away
from my mementos and keepsakes.

[shouting]

Mom, wait! No! You don't have to get--
[gasps]

Gotta go! You, Bradley-baby! Come here!

Ha! Good luck catching
this elite athlete, waitress.

I once golfed a 90 at business camp.

[gasps]
Stupid baby chunky stumps, will you run?

Ah, the smack of skulls on pavement.

Good to be back in Chicago-- Whoa.

No! You're CPR-ing too hard!

We got multiple
government agencies after us.

You know how many date nights
we've missed? 17!

Oh! And we found Bradley.
Then lost him. But he's close.

-Let's move. Pip?
-Shh!

I'm winning a staring contest
with a gargoyle.

Sorry, buddy,
can't win a staring contest with a statue.

Wait.

[all yell]

[roars]

-So bear cub?
-I think he's probably a metaphor?

This chart represents net savings
if we bought me a pizza oven

instead of restocking
all the building's first aid kits.

[yawns]

Company-wide, we're talking--

[shivers] Is anyone else cold?

I mean, this is the Windy City.

[shivering]

-[Hawaiian music playing on speakers]
-Wow.

Can you believe
those prices on beachfront condos?

That is it! I am moving to Maui!

Would it have k*lled her to just say,
"Tina's a baby"?

I don't wanna tell a mommy how to mommy,
but it's unconditional support.

That's what I give Aubrey,
and she's doing...

Step over the line
if the statement applies to you.

Like if you have ever committed a crime.

Right. Well, that was a freebie.

-[all grumbling]
-Can we just rob someone?

-...amazing!
-[door opens]

-So maybe you should just--
-[Benji] What up, Lil Bit?

Daddy needs you. How's Yaya daycare?

[Yaya] Not one more day with these two.

I counted my souvenir baseball
helmet ice cream bowls,

and they're all still there,
but for how long? How long?

Whoa, what are you talking about?

[Marsha on TV] --a total of five crimes
committed by five adults

hiding out as five babies.

What a terrifying time to be a-five.

You think Tina and Lil Bit are crooks?

So it's dope to be vigilant,
but your grandkids are 100% babies.

Was that so hard?

Lil Bit's my whole world, Ma.
I swear, on your life, she's legit.

Fine. You're off the hook.

-But how can we be sure about that one?
-An excellently timed question.

It's what everybody wants to know.

How do you tell real babies
from rich crooks with plastic surgery?

Behold, the Benji Guerrero Test.

Designed by a top government agent--
Bzurp!

--but not yet tested
under real-world conditions, until now.

Finally, the manager.

Your people offered us
a so-called breakfast,

but no one even tried to scale a cliff
and bring me an emu egg.

And they call me a criminal?

I'm feeling ornery as a ticked-off colt.

Told you, gotta test my test.

To prove Tina's a baby,
we need to see how the same test works

on a for-sure real baby
and definite criminal babies.

It's called a control group.

Russ Tisdale won't be controlled,
big government fascists.

Mom! I federally deputize you!
Help us out.

[laughing]

[Benji] Oh, hey. Whoa. Get back here!

-You okay?
-Still Chuzz Lugnuts, if that's an answer.

The Shrinkies empire
didn't collapse without Russ?

Still working on it. Or would be,

if this hadn't turned into a referendum
on whether I'm a real enough baby.

So just pass the test.

Sure, that'll solve all my problems.

Just pass the test.
Convince Yaya I'm normal,

she puts her guard down,
I help Aubrey take down the Shrinkies.

Wow, that started sarcastic, but yeah.

-[laughing]
-I got that criminal baby.

-[blows raspberry]
-[laughs in baby voice]

[in normal voice]
That was involuntary and I hate you.

Anybody spot Bradley?

Sorry, Boss, I can't focus.
I feel like I'm seeing bears everywhere.

Wait a second.

Run!

[Carol] In here! Come on!

You too!

My regrettably portable business!

Whew! This body was built for blogging,
not jogging.

Don't tell anybody cool
that I was hiding in garbage.

And now you're in a world of misery.

Either you bring me to Dr. Thubbeirhd,

or I plague you
with deranged torments like, uh...

Hot lasagna armpits.
Clothing made of doorknobs.

Food that reminds you
of painful childhood memories.

Don't stop me, this is what I'm best at.

Wait, you just need to see the doc?
Why didn't you look him up?

T-H-U-B-B-E-I-R-H-D, Thubbeirhd. See?

On the building directory.
You could've found him any time.

Nope. That is just dumb.

-[roars]
-[shrieks] You keep it, sir.

[grunting]

Tim, Carol, take Bradley.

Find out everything about Thubbeirhd.
We'll shake Henri.

Find out everything?

If running a spy investigation
of a plastic surgeon

who turns grown-ups into babies
is the closest we get

to making up for 17 missed date nights,
then, honey, may I have this dance?

The homemade muffins, Joaquin!

Gone by 9:05 a.m.! You wanna tell me why?

Because people like my muffins?

So why sit here
when your real talent is going stale?

I never asked to be on a corporate board.

All I ever wanted was to be...

-the muffin man.
-[all gasp]

Muffin man? You know?

I quit!

[Benji] And let the test begin.

[babbling]

Crawling for toys?

This is a test?

-Ha. Bring it.
-[Yaya] Even the criminals figured it out.

Grab the toys. We'll cut them up
and sell them as shower shoes.

Huh?

No!

[giggling]

You're cheating.
The girls didn't even get the toys.

The test wasn't about those toys.

-A real baby would know...
-Everything is a toy.

-Great work, ma'am.
-No.

I was ready to throw that bottle

like some grown-up with a conscience
but no imagination.

Is that who I am?

How am I supposed to retire
and be a baby for Mommy

-if I don't even remember what that is?
-Peekaboo!

[laughs]

You disappeared,
but then you were right there.

[gasps]

There's always been a baby inside you
desperate to crawl out.

Let it crawl.

Weird visual, good pep talk.
Let's nail this thing.

-Ugh. Disgusting.
-Yeah, uh, disgusting.

Nothing "babyer" than floor eating.

Babies don't know when to quit.

Grown-ups nip that throw-up in the butt.

Nip it in the "bud"!

It's a gardening reference,
not chomping tushes.

We know you're a grown-up,
so it's a mute point.

"Moot" point! [groans]

Just hang on. I'm coming, Aubrey.

Now, this is team building!

You sure you've never made a pyramid?

Do pyramid schemes count?

[in Russian accent] I, and my
crime husband, Finnister Knifebones,

want to look younger.

Not that my crime wife,
Esmerelda Verminczech,

needs to look younger.

Oh.

[Bradley] Hey, Dolores? Down here.

Yeah, for all our sakes,
I'm gonna end this.

Put these two down for what I had.

The doctor will see you now.

Heya! Welcome. Please sit.

Oh, you're sitting, great.

So I understand you're in need
of a little vacation time...

from the law.

From everyone.
The criminal tabloids. Ugh, they hound us.

They call us "Esmer-inister."

She's an embezzler, I'm a counterfeiter.

We're wanted for "embezzle-feiting."

You know what they say,
"Give me lots of money

and I'll turn you into babies.
You can hide out undetected."

They say that. I've heard them.

Great news!

I had a cancellation,
so looks like I could fit you in...

right...

now?

Yes, now.

Oh, right-- Right now?

You just sit tight
while I prep the special operating room.

[gasps]

Uh, I'm standing up because I'm happy.

And, uh, I gotta make a call,
get our henchmen to feed the hammerheads.

And I need to translate because
one of them speaks Bulgarian.

[in Bulgarian]

[in Bulgarian]

[Carol] No signal!

-I'm going to try outside.
-Take your time.

[buzzing]

Come on, Tabitha, pick up!

Negative sighting.
But the fugitives are close.

I feel it in my tungsten-coated bones.

-Don't mind us, just avoiding the feds.
-Nice!

Maybe there's a back door.

Night-night says the face gas!

[shrieks]

-What are you doing?
-Ew!

I'm masking our scents.

Whoa, this hat's wealthy-- No!

Get down and follow my lead.

♪ Dancing bear, dancing bear ♪

♪ Feast your eyes on the dancing bear ♪

♪ Dancing bear, dancing bear ♪

♪ Give some change to the dancing bear ♪

Hey! That there bear's
street performing without a license.

[siren chirps]

We got laws about this, guy.

[siren wailing]

[babbling]

Sandbox? [chuckles]

You're gonna ace this thing.

[shrieks]

I've got ten storage units filled
with knockoff Tibetan antelope scarves.

Help me escape, I'll give you one.

Stay away from my ice cream helmets!

And now, the final test.

[meowing]

That's no sandbox.

Mother of mudflaps.

It's a litterbox!

What have I done to deserve this?

Besides everything
I've done to deserve this?

It's the perfect final exam.

No baby can resist playing in sand.

No matter what's in it.

You are a brilliant agent
and a terrible father.

-So why isn't Tina playing in the poopbox?
-Huh?

[cat meows]

This is against everything I believe,

but even though you can't see them,
they can still see you.

I can't go in there.

My baby body says "go play,"
but my brain knows there's cat loaves.

[Dez] Don't you adult on me now. Get in!

So I've got a buddy
that's a DJ in Mykonos...

[Thubbeirhd] Let the gas
bring you to a relaxing place.

Where are they?

-[Carol] Beach waves...
-[Thubbeirhd] Ten, nine...

There has to be a door.

Look for a switch, a button.

Something!

[Tim] Six, five...

-[Carol] Turtles...
-[Pip gasps]

Pip, you misunderstood genius.

-[Boss Baby] Get away from them!
-[all shouting]

-[all gasp]
-[Thubbeirhd] Please don't hurt me!

I'm not "surgeoning" anybody.
I'm getting paid to pretend.

I feed them this weird milk
I'm not supposed to tell anyone about.

That's not milk.

It's super-concentrated special formula--

Sir, you're delirious and need to rest.

So you're not even a doctor?

No. I am!

I do this to fund my real passion.

Beard transplants!

No one should have to suffer
the shame of a smooth chin.

Sorry, I was picturing
what your parents must feel

when their friends ask what you do.

You wouldn't know it,
but I've had some work done--

That part's not set.

Where did these come from?
Who's paying you?

We've only spoken over the phone,

but she has a high-pitched voice
and a very positive attitude.

Audacious Aubrey!

Jammin' Jarreau!

Jammin' Jarreau!

Data Breach Derek!

Get in that sandbox!

No way. I know who I am.
I don't have to prove anything.

Yes, you do.

-It's the literal thing you have to do.
-[phone beeps]

-Hi, Aubrey. Bad timing--
-Data Breach Derek! Piracy Paula!

Great news.
It's been hours with no crimes.

Did you fall down a well?

Worse. I'm stuck at a fed site
in the middle of a test I need to,

but don't want to pass.

Miss Guerrero? You're from Texas, right?

[Yaya] Out of my way!

[Aubrey] I have an idea to get you out.

Hang up if you want me to do it.

That's a go.

Why are you hiding, Tina-bina?

You don't want to play in the sand?

Or are you just not a real baby?

[crying]

Understood, ma'am. Saddle up, Guerrero!

Last test's inconclusive,
but all signs point to baby.

Give Tina the benefit of the doubt?

Then give her ice cream
in a collectible baseball hat.

That's what I'd want my Yaya to do.

Yay, Aubrey! She really pulled through.

Ay, mi vida! Can you forgive your Yaya?

How did Aubrey pull that off?

Okay, back to prison, little--

[thudding]

Come on, Russ and Chuzz!

It's all happening, man!

[yells]

Do crimes!

Hey, my change!

Please! Let me just go back
for Iggy's special hair mask.

Tina, what do you want?

Kidding. She's a baby.

-She'll have the-- [gasps]
-[shouting]

Ice cream later. Now, we drive.

[horns honking]

Hold tight, Yaya's off-roading.

Well, Aubrey did get you out
of frolicking in cat poop.

Why do it like this?
It doesn't make sense.

Tina, it's not surgery.

The baby criminals have been
taking stolen Baby Corp Formula.

[criminals chanting]
Crimes! Crimes! Crimes!

[Boss Baby] And I think I know
who the supplier is.

Me too.

[criminals cheering]

Wow. I am colloquially,
but not literally, speechless.

Now that I'm back in charge--

-No, man! We want Aubrey!
-Aubrey!

Welcome to Ba-Ba Town,
where we don't run the place, we crawl it!

Is my name Aubrey or Trademark?
Because that was catchy!

♪ We was run-racin' Chi-town
For a beard-growin' freak ♪

♪ Till that grump-grizzled grizz
Sniffed us down on the streets ♪

♪ Rah! Won't you let our souls be? ♪

♪ Rah! I'm not your honey! ♪

♪ Oi! Beware! The Unshakeable Bear! ♪

♪ Oi! Beware! The Unshakeable Bear! ♪

♪ Oi! Beware! Beware! Beware! ♪

♪ Oi! Beware! The Unshakeable Bear! ♪