03x02 - The Museum Job

[bunniefuu]

-[boy grunts]
-[phone dings]

Hold all my calls.

-[giggling]
-[lullaby plays]

♪ Boss Baby ♪

♪ I'm the Boss, Boss Baby, boss, boss
Boss Baby, boss, boss ♪

♪ Watch a itty-bitty kid get large ♪

♪ I'm the big Boss Baby in charge ♪

♪ Stroller rolling
Up and down the boulevard ♪

♪ I'm the big Boss Baby in charge ♪

♪ I run this house, I rule this crib ♪

♪ Change my diaper, son
Where's my bib? ♪

♪ Don't pacify
You just got to pay me ♪

-♪ Who's in charge? ♪
-♪ Me, the Boss Baby ♪

[thumps]

[sucks]

...sixty-one, sixty-two, sixty--

[bangs]

[squeaks]

[Dad] Up, up, up!
Almost time for school!

[moans]

[Boss Baby squeals, giggles]

Mmm! Mmm, mmm, mmm!

Now, that is some applesauce.

You can really taste the orchard.

-[Dad] Timbo, time to go.
-But I didn't finish my breakfast!

It's not fair.

You get to do all the playing
and mission stuff

while I have to do junk
like math and grammar.

Why is grammar something
about which I should care?

Big picture!

Sure, just thinking about all the ways
I can boost baby love

with this new playgroup
has me on cloud nine,

but guess what? That's one cloud closer
to me back at Baby Corp

and you back on fun missions.

[car horn honking]

But the only way we get that happy ending
is to keep doing our respective things.

Mine is exciting field ops with a bunch
of untested but promising babies.

And yours is to, uh, keep trucking
through these school days.

Think you can do that?
Keep trucking?

I can truck.

Of course you can!
Who's my big brother?

-Me.
-[slams]

-Ah-hh. I'll miss that--
-[doorbell rings]

The playgroup's here!
The playgroup's here, yay!

[Boss Baby] Thank you for coming.

Enjoy the assortment of toys
I've laid out.

Try the clown. He talks when you pull
a string on his chest.

-[clown] Uh-oh, I sat on a pie!
-[chuckles]

How?

On to business. My new team--

real-world babies
who understand real baby problems.

-[giggling]
-So, hit me. What do we tackle first?

-[squealing]
-Creaky cribs? Terrible twos?

-No bad ideas here.
-Ba ba-ba...?

You don't need my permission
to go to the bathroom.

[babbles] Bah-woo...?

Uh, Portland is in Oregon.

[squeals]

[moans]

-[giggles]
-Oh-- yeah!

What if we were really good babies
and got cuddly stuffed giraffes?

-Not helpful.
-Don't knock it till you cuddle it, baby.

-[babbles]
-[music plays]

Yes, Jarreau, you sound like
the ice cream man.

-Please focus.
-[baby 2 babbles]

-Bah-woo...?
-[sighs]

-Yes, there's also a Portland in Maine.
-[baby 2 chuckles]

-[Shover spurting]
-Oh-hh! [coughs] Ugh!

From now on, yes, you specifically
need permission to go to the bathroom.

Ugh! Somebody wanna open a window?

-Will I get a cuddly stuffed giraffe?
-Just open it!

[clown] Uh-oh, I sat on a pie!

[laughs] How?

But not now, clown!

[babies grunting]

There are two Portlands!
One in Maine and one in Oregon!

Please, I'm trying to get
baby love missions,

and all you're giving me
is useless word vomit!

[retches]

Not an invitation!

Yagh! Peek-a-booed!

Agh! [grunting]

And now you made me lose my tie clip?

-[growls]
-[monitor chimes]

[gasps]

Staci, talk to me.

How's it going with the newbies?

-[babies wailing, grunting]
-[Mega Fat] Oof! Ooh!

Oh, fine.
How are things at Baby Corp?

You call this research and development?

Looks more like... [squeals]
and... [whines]

Ooh! My innocence!

Eh, pretty slow around here.

But I've been keeping an eye
on the baby love chatter like you asked,

and I might have something.

[Staci] Situation at the museum--

looks like a potty squatter's
taken over the family bathroom.

Got a line of parents and babies
getting longer and fussier.

Hasn't turned violent yet,
but, you know, fingers crossed.

It's perfect!

Can you keep it
off Scary Sweary CEO Baby's radar?

Are puppies just stinky butts with paws?

-Oh, I owe you one.
-[monitor squeaks]

[sniffs] Smell that, team?

That's the scent
of a bakery-fresh opportunity.

-[Shover spurts]
-Ugh!

-I said ask permission!

I want those [babbles] numbers
up by lunchtime

or you'll be eating your own [babbles]
on a corn cob!

Okay, Jimbo, distraction ideas-- go!

Why are you drawing a family of ducks?

It's my art therapy,

for when Scary Sweary's swears
sweary-scare me.

-Hey!
-Head in the game.

Boss needs us.

-[grunts]
-Give me your duckies!

No duckies at work, Jimbo!

-Give me back my duckies!
-Oh, yeah! Duckies!

[both grunting]

Who took my [wails] peas?

I can't take it anymore!

That baby needs to learn how to relax!

-You just had an idea?
-[giggles]

Staple, staple, pin.

Staple, staple--

Hey, Buddy from HR!

Could you help me pick a new keychain?

I can't decide.

The red one's lovely.

Wow! Check out that blue one!

Ooh, red! But, oh! The blue.

That red is great!

Wow, I forgot how pretty the blue is,
but there's that red again!

-Um, Mr. Scary Sweary CEO Baby, sir?
-[gargling]

-I'm [babbles] busy!
-[yelps]

You're the employee of the month.

Yay for you!

-No, I'm not.
-Yes, you are.

Ask Buddy from HR.

Great, I'm employee of the month.
Whoop-dee [babbles] doo.

[yelps] And since
you're employee of the month,

you get a relaxing spa day
to help you relax more

so you can be more relaxed.

Also, the spa day starts right now.

Also, also, it's, uh, mandatory?
[shudders, gasps]

How about I "mandatory"
my [babbles] loafers

in your [babbles] sideways

until your [babbles]
are on Neptune's fourth moon, Galatea?

That's [babbles] astronomy!

Buddy's rules, not mine.

[sighs] I'll be in my [babbles] office.

[screams, yelps]

[grunts] Ulp--!

[Boss Baby] Secure insertion point.

We'll need one baby
with eyes on that blind corner.

[faint crying]

Oh-hh! What is it, Mega Fat?

I just want you to know
that I'm here for you, on this journey.

Thank you.

-I'm also here for you on this journey.
-Here we go.

[Mega Fat] Lucky for you, I have
been there and also have done that,

-so you got you a spiritual sherpa...
-Don't need a sherpa.

...who will do 100 percent,
at your service,

whatever it takes to complete your journey

to the summit of "Mount Boss Baby."

So you'll help on this museum mission?

I can, and I will.

[woman] Where should we go today?
The park?

Ooh, Scooter's allowed there!

[Marsha] Mmm, a little too warm.

If I pit out this blouse again,
my wardrobe girl will k*ll me.

They're already planning today's activity.

If we're going to that museum,
we have about a three-minute window

to plant the idea.

Which is why we must be
the "gardeners of suggestion."

There has to be someplace
we can take the kiddos.

[bangs]

-I've got it!
-[gasps]

We could go to Chummy Farms
for a baby hayride!

[woman] Ooh, I heard a kid lost a finger
in the donkey's mouth.

[babbling]

[gurgling]

-He has very--
-[splatters]

-Oh, my! Oh!
-[Marsha] Ugh!

[sniffles]

What if we spent the day...

[gasps]

Never mind, lost it.

[groans, thumps] Oh-hh!

Do it.

-[puffs]
-Have you-- huh?

Maybe the museum?

-[Marsha] The museum!
-[man] Oh, I'd love that!

-[woman] Yes!
-[man] I've got an annual pass!

-Come on, I gotta go!
-[parents grumbling]

-[man] Hurry up in there!
-[giggles]

Oh, it says there's a very good movie
about the history of the museum.

Any takers?

"Narrated by Marsha Krinkle"?

Sounds compelling! I'm in!

[program music playing]

Hi, Marsha Krinkle, Channel 8 News.

[softly] "Welcome to the town museum,

a place with a story captivating enough
to hang on its own walls."

So good.

[Marsha narrating] Thomas Kulkelka--
entrepreneur, collector.

Toured every inch of this globe
with a zest for life in his gut

and a wooden kazoo in his mouth.

-It was Kulkelka who built this museum...
-[fingers snap]

[narration continues]
...with his bare hands.

That was the third time
Thomas Kulkelka wrestled a bear.

-The fourth was at a circus.
-[Jarreau moans]

-[thumping]
-[babies wailing]

[monitor chimes]

-Talk to me.
-Clock's ticking, boss.

Not sure how long
we can occupy Scary Sweary.

He's not exactly the relaxing type.

Focus on the sound of your breath.

Then stop [babbles] talking!

Just hang on. We're almost there.

All right, we got a family bathroom
that needs evacuating.

-Mega Fat, you create a diversion.
-Check.

Also, check in. How are you doing?

The rest of you, since it's your
first mission, you'll be on lookout.

[Boss Baby]
We'll use these for communication.

[slurps]

Once Mega Fat clears the way,
I'll swoop in

and evict that bathroom bandit
with the power of negotiation.

Oh-hh!

[Mega Fat humming]

-[squeaks]
-[baby whines]

Let's keep it moving, folks.

-The art's for looking, not for touching!
-That's the family bathroom!

Says here it's a piece called
"The Door" by Meg O' Fat.

[camera shutter clicks]

Need the family bathroom?
Follow the sign.

-[man] It's okay, kids.
-[parents grumbling]

Ninety seconds of negotiation starts...

[crackles] now.

[thumps]

Before we get into this song-and-dance,

you should know who I am.

Just call me "someone."

Someone who doesn't give an inch,

someone who takes no prisoners,

someone who forced himself to like pizza
topped with clams and wet lettuce

so no one else would ever want a slice.

Just someone on the other side
of this door...

[tapping]
waiting and wondering...

what kind of someone are you?

[voice yells] Give me candy!

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah!
-Fart-poop doody!

It's a "preek"!

[yells] Bagel!

[babbling]

I'm not good at standing on one foot.

-[Boss Baby] We got a pre-kindergartner--
-[grunting]

the most irrational, scatterbrained,
never-can-be-reasoned-with species

on the face of the earth!

[Mega Fat] A preek? Eh, we tried.

Time to go home and take naps.

I like to think of failures
as learning punches.

[Mega Fat]
So, in one sense, this journey--

New terms.
I will give you anything you want--

toy helicopters, real helicopters,

a group of islands in the South Pacific
shaped like helicopters!

[parents' voices overlapping]

-[yelps] Agh!
-[monitor chimes]

Yo, boss, baby love's still dropping.

Need me to come down and "break
some anks" or "purp some nurps"?

-Under control.
-[preek] Go away, dog! I hate you!

Who was that?

Did you say "who"?

"Who." I said "who." Who! Who?!

[chuckles]
You babies got an owl up there?

Was that a "dad joke"?

[gasps] You only tell dad jokes
when you're lying!

[stammers] I-- I am not lying.

But if I was lying on the floor,
you could call me Matt.

-See? I told you.
-All right, fine!

It's a preek in the bathroom.

A preek?

You say [babbles] preek?

Corkscrew moonsault!

-[grunts]
-Ugh!

Oh, yeah, you got massaged!

I'm coming down to help.

I don't need help!

Every team needs this moment, Stace.

The moment when they're up against a wall
and somehow find a way to overcome.

Well, you have less than a moment
to flush that stinkin' preek!

"Flush that stinkin' preek." That's it!

[Mega Fat] And you know what?
I'm a happy baby

because of that self-discovery.

-Does that make sense?
-Uh, sure.

Listen up, everyone.

We're gonna smoke the preek out
with a diaper b*mb.

Who had raisins for lunch?

Hello? Anyone?
[taps]

Also, sometimes a self-discovery
is about discovering

that everyone's abandoned the mission.

[couple gasps]

[whining, grunting]

[narrating]
I'm TV's Marsha Krinkle,

and I want you to notice how the artist
subtly used a dripping technique

to symbolize the bleeding soul.

Come on!

[Boss Baby] There's gotta be
something here I can use.

Something...?!

-[grunts] Gah!
-[bangs]

A wad of gum, a banana
and two leftover milkshakes?

I'm trying to save baby love,
not topple a government.

-[bangs]
-Do better, trash can!

-[monitor chimes]
-[Staci] What is going on, BB?

Baby love's cratering,

and Jimbo's grasping
at sippy straws up here!

♪ As I was walking
One morning for pleasure ♪

♪ I spied a cowpuncher riding along ♪

-[parents grumbling]
-[man] We're going around in circles!

-[angry voices overlapping]
-Boss!

-Can you hear me?
-[Mega Fat] You remind me of me.

-[parents grumbling]
-...all the way south. Kulkelka brings...

-Give me candy!
-[woman] I cannot believe this!

[woman] This is just a trap.
It doesn't exist.

[man] Where's the water closet?
Someone...

-[grunting]
-[music playing]

[gasps]

-[music continues]
-Ice cream man!

[preek yells] Ice cream!

-The bathroom! It's open!
-[man 2] Yeah!

[man 2] I see the changing table!

[beeps]

Yes! Way to go, boss!

-[sighs] Just in time, too.
-[Jimbo singing]

I don't know how much longer
our diversion would have worked.

♪ Whoopee ti-yi-yo
Git along little dogies ♪

♪ It's your misfortune
And none of my own ♪

[both] ♪ Whoopee ti-yi-yo
Git along little dogies

[Jimbo, Scary]
♪ You know that Wyoming ♪

♪ Will be your new h*-oo-ome ♪

[Tim chuckles] What?

-[Mega Fat laughs]
-[laughs] A preek? No way! Then what?

I was all like, "Oh, no!"

And the team was all like... [babbling]

But then our instincts took over
and we did what had to be done.

Before I forget, wanna give
a quick hoo-rah to Jarreau.

Way to have that toy.
You were right, it would come in handy.

[moans]

No, you said that.
I definitely remember you saying that.

I'm so jealous.
Sounds like a fun mission.

It really was. Ahem.

I had my doubts. No, no, I did.

But looking around this room now,

I don't see a bunch of babies.
No. I see a budding field team

and one baby with a kazoo in her mouth
for some reason...?

[gasps] Thomas Kulkelka's kazoo?

[tooting]

So, no big deal?

It's the most important kazoo ever!

My school mascot is the Kazooers!

Danny Petrosky lives
on one of the three streets in town

called Kazoo Street!

That kazoo gets its own float
in the town parade,

and it's the float with the best candy!

Oh, I'm ruined!

If anyone finds out
it was a baby who took that kazoo,

it will be the worst
art-related baby love scandal

since Van Gogh's "got your ear" mishap!

[babbles]

Give it back?! Impossible!

Baby love is 90-percent image.

You want that image
morphing into the grizzled visage

of some stripe-shirted museum thief?

[toots]

Maybe the real journey was--

-[snaps] I'm not on a journey!
-[babbling]

Stop asking about Portlands!

[screaming]

You're all tiny, insane people!
You've ruined everything!

[kazoo buzzes]

-[Boss Baby grunts]
-[wailing]

[Boss Baby sighs] I'd stay and chat,

but someone's gotta get the kazoo
back to the museum

and save baby love.

-Thank you! Thank you all!
-[door slams]

Breaking news!
I have to get to the station.

Kulkelka's kazoo got clipped by a klepto!

-Gee!
-I love that kazoo!

-I've looked at that since I was seven.
-[woman] I'm calling the mayor.

After hours, maybe a smash and--

no, needs an eight-man squad,

one that doesn't just care
about stuffed giraffes and Portlands.

-Ugh. If it's just me and Templeton--
-[knocking on door]

Can just you and me
still get the kazoo back

if the museum added extra security?

'Cause I heard the grown-ups talking,
and they did.

So, the museum's gone
from pillow fort to Fort Knox?

Great! I'll run the numbers again.

Basic museum job, add overnight guard...

-Plus angry townspeople outside.
-[Boss Baby] Carry the vigilantes.

And lasers. Always assume lasers.

Hmm. Good policy.

What's it say?

Four-person job?

Four-person job. [sighs]

-[beeps]
-Staci, it's me. I--

I thought I could turn these babies
into a field team because, well--

oh, who cares? I failed.

You know how hard it is
for me to say this.

"Never admit you're wrong"
is my third rule of business,

right after "revenue before costs"

and "business casual isn't attire,
it's a slap in the face."

But as I've grown older
while staying the same age,

I've come to realize that admitting
your mistakes isn't a weakness.

I guess you can say...

I'm on a journey.

And I need help.

Staci...?

[silent]

-[squeaks]
-[both yelp]

Sorry! Had to mute my mic
because it's crazy in here!

-Cannot hear a word you're saying,
-[music playing]

but great job again on the museum, boss!
[chuckles]

This new CEO is a hoot!
Call you later!

[monitor beeps]

[sighs]

So, two-man job?

We'll cut some corners
and hope no one notices.

"Saturday chore-style." Got it.
What's the plan?

[angry voices overlapping]

-[woman] What is this world coming to?
-[woman 2] I can't believe it's not here!

[Boss Baby narrating] Nine twenty-three--
sneak past angry townspeople

and locate museum air ducts.

Nine twenty-five--
enter exterior hallway via air duct C.

Nine twenty-seven-- give Templeton
one minute to go nuts for the art.

Whoa, look at that! Look at the texture.

Whoa, whoa, look at the colors on that!
Oh, look at that one!

[Boss Baby narrating]
Nine twenty-eight-- take out security.

Ha! Nice try, banana peel.

[grunts]
Huh...? Wha--?

-[clatters]
-[grunting]

Viva la revolución!

[Boss Baby narrating]
Nine thirty--

expertly navigate laser field
to reach kazoo display case.

[grunting]

Hah! Agh!

Missing tie clip!

[grunts]

Oh-hh! Ooh! Ooh.

[gasps]

So long, baby love.

Whoa!

So long, Baby Corp. [yelps]

-Howdy, hi-hi-hi!
-Mega Fat?

-[gasps] The lasers!
-Done been taken care of.

[Mega Fat] Scooter made
a "tummy fountain" on the power box.

-[grunts]
-Like I said, Double-B, I've been there.

Well, not exactly there. You look silly.

I mean, I've been there,
like, emotionally.

-They come to help, too?
-Oh, mmm-- no way.

I told them the big one would have treats.

My mission snacks!

But maybe they can help anyway-sies.

-[faint whining]
-Backup generator!

-[Boss Baby grunts]
-[Mega Fat yelps]

-[Mega Fat] Oof!
-[lasers beeping]

[squeals, giggles]

[babies giggling]

[Scooter squeals]

Maybe they don't have to know
they're on a mission to help!

[Boss Baby narrating] Nine thirty-three--
Templeton and Quiet Psycho Baby

take care of the cameras.

Nine thirty-four-- Mega Fat makes sure
security stays out of the way.

You gonna let two half-drunk milkshakes
defeat you, Debbie?

No, you are not. [screams]

[gasps]

Crimes.

Nine thirty-five--
other babies, just do you.

[Jarreau yelps, moans]

-[giggles, squeals]
-[kazoo taps]

Eh...?

[clangs]

-[cord snaps]
-[coos]

[clatters]

Yes! It worked!

-[all babbling, laughing]
-[alarm tooting]

[gasps] Run!

-[grunting]
-[Tim screams]

-[crunches]
-[moans] Oh-hh...!

When we get home, animal crackers on me.

-[Tim] Deal!
-[grunts]

My tie clip!
You've had it this whole time? I--

I'm not mad.
If it wasn't for you, I might not--

You're kidding me!

[Dakota babbles]

-Girl's got skills.
-[Mega Fat sighs]

Well, this is me.

[whistling]

What? Oh, fine.

-[whistling]
-Hey, Mega Fat.

-Whoo...?
-Thanks for being there for me.

You're welcome. Okay, toodles!

Can't wait to continue your journey
of baby self-discovery tomorrow.

-[group babbling]
-What do you think of your field team now?

I think they're a bunch of babies.

And I can work with that.

[Scary] Thank you.

I'm not too big a baby
to admit I've been a total [babbles].

Maybe what Baby Corp really needs
is a leader who's not afraid to--

Where have you been all day
and night and morning?

This is a business, ya know!

[announcer]
Scary Sweary CEO Baby, you're fired.

Oops!

-[whimpering]
-[elevator bell rings]

-[Scary babbling loudly]
-[Jimbo wails]

♪ Boss Baby ♪