03x06 - The Big Break

[bunniefuu]

- [boy grunts]
- [phone dings]

Hold all my calls.

- [giggling]
- [lullaby plays]

♪ Boss Baby ♪

♪ I'm the Boss, Boss Baby, boss, boss
Boss Baby, boss, boss ♪

♪ Watch a itty-bitty kid get large ♪

♪ I'm the big Boss Baby in charge ♪

♪ Stroller rolling
Up and down the boulevard ♪

♪ I'm the big Boss Baby in charge ♪

♪ I run this house, I rule this crib ♪

♪ Change my diaper, son
Where's my bib? ♪

♪ Don't pacify
You just got to pay me ♪

- ♪ Who's in charge? ♪
- ♪ Me, the Boss Baby ♪

- [shouts gibberish, panting]
- Uh...

[shouting gibberish]

Templeton, slow down!
I need actual words.

[shouts gibberish, echoes]

[shouting gibberish]

Maybe he's choking on snacks.

Oh, I could do the Heimlich maneuver.

- You know how to do the Heimlich?
- I know the baby version.

Dada!

[coughing, groaning]

I will nap so well
knowing I saved a choker's life today.

I'm not choking. I'm just excited!

Oh, hey, we're intelligible.
What's the good news?

Okay, so, I took my first test
at school today...

Oh, performance metrics.

I approve. And?

I got a B-plus!

- You got a B-plus?
- [slurs] I got a B-plus!

With those grades and a rich uncle
with legacy connections,

you could get into any college
in the world!

This calls for a celebration!

[festive music playing]

[babies cheering]

[gasps]

- [thuds]
- [Buskie laughs]

[babies cry]

[tires screech]

- [door opens]
- [bell jingles]

- [distorted lullaby plays]
- [Mrs. Kurdt] Sign in.

[preek babbling]

Honey, shush!

- I need throw up!
- Honey, shush!

So, this is where my doom finds me.

- In the offices of Dr. Kevin, MD.
- [bone cracks]

- Gah!
- Can I say I'm sorry again?

I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.

You can knock me out of a tree
if you want.

Eh, maybe later.

For now, I'd accept a scouting report.
You've been here before.

What am I in for, besides roving bands
of contagious preeks

and off-brand magazines from 1952?

Apple-Cheeked Dandy Lad?

- Put it down!
- Oh!

Somebody already filled in all the mazes
and word puzzles... wrongly.

- In pen.
- Barbarians.

You don't know how serious this is.

Right now,
you're just in the waiting room.

The real horror?
It lives behind that door.

[whispers] And it knows your name.

[Mrs. Kurdt] Templeton.

[both] Aah!

[Dad] Ooh, quick service today.

[suspenseful music playing]

- [fabric rips]
- [yelping]

[Boss] Dah! [grunts]

Ooh, cold!

- [grunting]
- [machine whirring]

[x-ray clicks]

[Boss panting]

- [Mrs. Kurdt] Sit.
- Okeydoke.

[panting continues]

Aw, don't you worry, buddy.

Dr. Kevin's gonna fix
your owies real good.

- [footsteps approach]
- [gasps]

[footsteps continue]

[door hinges creak]

Cursed be this day
and all the fates that brought me here.

[honks]

The man's a comedian.

Sorry I'm running late. Had a walk-in.

Some kid swallowed a pen.

Oh, that's terrible.

I told him, "Be right with you.

Just sit down and write your name."

Pss-oh!

Oh! [laughs]

That's terrible.

- [honks]
- [yelps]

Kidding! [laughs]

I love jokes.

Friend, Roman, babyman, lend me your ear.

Bloop!

Just looking for spider eggs, huh?

Kidding! [laughs]

The spiders probably hatched by now.

Oh! Kidding! [laughs]

Ah, no infection.

[in c*ck accent] 'Ear 'ear,
that calls for a celebration!

- [electronic burp]
- [Dad laughs]

Ah, I love the burp box.

A-yep, looks like baby oopsied his way
into a distal radial fracture.

Pfft! Doctor talk.

Back up. [imitates truck beeping]

Let's explain that in a way
that everybody can understand and enjoy.

- Huh?
- [Dr. Kevin] "Oh, Dr. Kevin, Dr. Kevin!

My arm bone hurts real bad!"

Well, goodness, Ossie,
I believe you've broken your wrist.

"Oh, broken wrist?

But, Dr. Kevin, will I ever be able
to play the ukulele again?"

Why, Ossie, you'll be
the king of the luau!

♪ A-hula, hula, hula, hula, hula ♪

♪ A-hula, hula, hula, hula, hula ♪

See? You're gonna be good as new.

- [chuckles] You bet you are!
- [door opens]

Mrs. Kurdt is gonna wrap this up
with a snazzy plaster cast.

And for being such a good boy,
I think someone deserves a balloon.

- Ow!
- Kidding! [laughs]

- You needed a tetanus booster.
- Lollipop?

[Dr. Kevin] Yerp!
The reds are mine. [chuckles]

Y'all come back real soon!

Kidding! [laughs]

Stay safe.

[Boss] It was horrendous!

I'm sitting there... Whoa!

What are you doing?

For safety.
I don't want you getting hurt again.

Uh, thank you.

- Noted, but I'm fine... Oh! [groan]
- [gasps]

I'm sorry! Let me get an ice pack!

[groans] So, anyway, I'm sitting there
with a class-four boo-boo,

and Dr. Kevin decides to lead with a joke.

[babbles]

Exactly!
"Sit down and write your name."

- Does he tell the same stupid joke every...
- [babbles]

Yes, spider eggs!

- Why would you put that image in my...
- [babbling]

Oh, you better believe
he broke out the burp box.

[scoffs] Everyone knows bottom belches
are funnier than mouth ones.

- [babbles, imitates expl*si*n]
- Right in my face,

while his bog-witch nurse
snuck a needle in my arm.

- Who does that?
- [lullaby playing]

- Babies hate surprises!
- [screams]

Exactly!

Wait, wait, wait!

[laughs] This is it!

This is how we make a huge splash
at Baby Corp and win back my job!

I can't believe I didn't spot
the opportunity years ago.

If you want to boost baby love,
just make babies happy.

And where are babies the most unhappy?

The doctor's office!

Needles, elevator music, cold scales!

And especially
that would-be funnyman Dr. Kevin!

We're going to overhaul
the entire pediatric experience.

Baby love will skyrocket, launching me
all the way back to the big leagues!

- Come on, let's... Ow!
- Ice pack!

Sorry! I have an ice pack!

And I have a mission.

And I will keep you safe on that mission.

- So just stop and I'll...
- Aah!

- I'm sorry!
- [Boss growls]

Stop helping!

[shouts, panting]

Hey!

- Let me... [grunts] help you!
- Aah!

Whoa! [grunting] Ow! Aah!

- Ow! Oh! Ow! [grunts] Ow!
- [thudding]

[bone cracks]

[tries screech]

- [bell jingles]
- Hi again.

- Sign in.
- [distorted lullaby plays]

I like, like, the skin, like,
and the juice coming out of it,

'cause I want other people to think
that it's a dog so they can eat it.

[coughs, screaming]

I'm so sorry.

[sighs] Apology accepted.

Accidents happen.

Repeatedly.

At my expense.

- I don't know what's wrong with me!
- Oof! Ow!

[gasps] Sorry!

I don't know either, but for my own
physical and psychological well-being,

you need to go figure it out.

It's good you came to me.

- Um, this is my house.
- Indeed.

Now, let's divine the nature
of your misfortune

with book learning!

On the night of your birth,
did your parents accept a boon

offered by a mysterious traveler,
but with a cost?

I assume they would have told me.

Have you offended any woodland creatures
who might hold ancient and dire magicks?

You're the one
who whips quarters at squirrels.

Bro, that's between me and the squirrels.

Don't try to make this about me.

Better stockpile some snack rations.

We're gonna be here a while.

And you are sure you never farted
on a black cat under a blood moon?

- Why would I...
- Why anything, Tim?

It's magic!

No! I am positive I didn't.

Maybe I'm just having an unlucky streak.

What?

Do you still have that lucky pencil
my dad sold you?

From the secret Army base
where they study luckular technology?

Yeah, it's right here.

[sniffs]

Have you used it
for any unholy or barbaric purposes?

Uh...

[Mega Fat shouts]

[crackling]

...uh...

M-Maybe?

But the robot kangaroo
sort of had it coming.

Bro, there's no
kangaroo justification clause.

You misused an item of fortune.

You caused a "luckular reflux."

The lucky pencil stopped working?

Oh, it works... backwards.

Why do you think you keep
hurting your brother?

That pencil turned on you.

It's bad luck now.

And if you're gonna break this curse,
you need to get rid of it.

[shouts]

Aah!

[laughs] That pencil hates you.

- [babies babbling]
- [Boss] Game plan!

Thanks to my, uh, unexpected
second medical emergency,

I was able to scout out
every aspect of Dr. Kevin's office

that needs a baby-friendly revamp.

I've prepared an itemized list
with priority actionables in...

[babies babbling, shouting]

[Boss groans]
I'll have Mega Fat draw pictures.

[laughs] Oh, you know
I'm down for coloring! What?

[Boss] The more important thing is that.

[Jarreau babbles]

[Tim and Danny grunting]

I'm not getting any hits! Are you?

[groans] It must have some kind
of protective force field!

Uh, no.

That, over there.

After two doctor visits in one day,

parental guilt at my house
is up 82 percent.

When mommies and daddies
feel like awful parents,

that's bad for baby love.

[babbling]

No, we're still going to overhaul
Dr. Kevin's office.

We just need a new approach.

You ever toss bread
to the duckies at the pond?

Of course you have!

And do the duckies swallow
a whole slice at once?

No. They nibble.

And that's exactly what we're going to do.

You fake sick or injured,
you get taken to Dr. Kevin,

you fix just one small thing
in that office,

and then it's someone else's turn.

Every baby does their part,
and no one mommy and/or daddy

is left feeling too guilty.

Nibble-nibble, quack-quack, poof!

All gone, bread.

- [babbles]
- [Boss] Uh, metaphor.

We're wiping out
Dr. Kevin's egregious buffoonery.

[babbles]

No, I don't have actual bread.
Now, who's up first?

Quiet Psycho Baby?

We'll come back to you.
Any volunteers?

[babies babbling]

It's actually helped me a lot.

- Um... [gasps]
- [sneezes]

- Oh!
- Ooh, I think Taffeta's got bronchitis!

[Mrs. Kurdt] Sign in.

What happened to my Big Book
of 1001 Doctor Jokes?

The pages are all gunked up!

[coos, giggles]

What kind of cruddy library has zero books
on cursed pencil destruction?

Your bravery inspires us all,
Jarreau McIntosh.

- [parents gasping, shouting]
- [librarian] Shh!

[tries screech]

- [bell jingles]
- Sign in.

[distorted lullaby playing]

[needle scratches record]

[hard rock music playing]

[preek 2 babbles, grunts]

Mega Fat, you're up.

Fake chicken pox or real diaper rash?

Ooh, surprise me. [coughs]

Oh, pardon me.
I swallowed some spit. [yelps]

To the pediatric ward!

- [tires screech]
- [bell jingles]

Please write on your charts
that I am a devoted mother.

Everything in the house
is Bubbeezee-certified,

so you know I'm doing this right, heh.

Have you considered any of their products
for your home or office?

I am an authorized distributor.

Mm, toasty.

How's the parental guilt, Stace?

Any red flags?

Hmm, I'd back off Krinkle.

One doctor visit already freaked her out
pretty hardcore.

My mommy lady loves me the most! I win!

Congratulations!

- Great job! [yelps]
- Aah!

Other than that, keep spreading
the doctor visits around the playgroup,

and no parent should get too stressed.

Maybe give Tim a turn.

- He's otherwise occupied.
- Timbo!

Got a surprise for you!

You accidentally dropped
your pencil in the garbage.

Lucky I found it, huh?

- [Tim screams]
- I love this plan, BB!

Got a feeling we'll see you
back here real soon.

Bet on it. Thanks, Stace.

Who's up? Quiet Psycho Baby?

We'll circle back later.

- Dakota?
- [Dakota shouts]

[grunts]

[crying]

[Doug] Meemaw! Meemaw!

Dakota's got the night terrors!

I'll fetch the ipecac.

[siren wails]

[Mrs. Kurdt groans]

No infection, so those screamy-dreamies
aren't fever related.

Oh, that's a relief.

[in c*ck accent] 'Ear 'ear,
that calls for a celebration!

Huh.

- Must have misplaced the ol' burp box.
- [Dakota] Mine.

[Shover's mom] You know what I'm saying.
It's good to get another perspective.

I just... It's nice.

It makes me... Hmm?

Aegi, where's your will to thrive?

- [grunting]
- [babbling]

- Scooter?
- [babbles]

Aah! Hysterical blindness!

Oh, no!

Again?

- [tires screech]
- [bell jingles]

Help me, help me, help me!
I ate too much sweets!

Help me, help me!
I ate me too much sweets.

I don't know what I'm talking about.

- Okay, I'm on a beach in Montego.
- [preek babbling]

- [Scooter shouts]
- [preek laughs]

Somebody got me a birthday!

- One-a, two...
- Huh?

- One, two, three, four.
- [toy squeaking]

Love the remodel, Mrs. Kurdt!

[groans]

- [squeals]
- Aah!

"From Tim Templeton.

To...?"

"The moon."

[grunts]

[Tim] Whoa!

- You think one stamp is enough?
- Doesn't matter.

If you write it, the law says
they have to take it there.

- [Danny] Yeah!
- [Tim] Yes!

[mailman] Return to sender! [grunts]

[Tim screams]

I'll see you in prison, maildude!

I hate you, pencil!

[shouts]

[screams]

- [tires screech]
- [bell jingles]

When you tell Dr. Kevin the story,
don't mention

the cursed, magic, bad luck pencil
you can't get rid of.

He already must think
we're the world's worst parents.

- [door opens]
- [Mrs. Kurdt] Templeton.

Again.

It's a different kid, okay?

[Dr. Kevin] And that's a wrap!

- High-five!
- [gasps]

- Kidding!
- [honks]

Ow!

- That was for the pain.
- [electronic burp]

Numbers look like they're moving
in the right direction, Boss.

Fantastic work, people.

And I anticipate a major uptick
from our elimination of balloon pops,

electronic belches,
and high-frequency bicycle hornings.

[Tim] What are you talking about?

I was just at Dr. Kevin's office,
and those things were still there.

What? Dakota, you told me
you'd taken all of it!

[babbling]

- [electronic burp]
- [grunts]

Of course Dr. Kevin would just replenish
his stock of novelty goofery!

We've been doing this all wrong.

We have to eliminate
the source of our problems.

Amen!

So, whoever wants to help me
get rid of this luckular reflux pencil...

What? No!

The source is Dr. Kevin's
"comedian's disease."

- And we're going to be the cure.
- [Staci] Whoa there, Boss.

If you're planning on making more trips
to the doctor's office,

I'd think again.

Jimbo's been monitoring baby love
at your homes,

and parental stress levels are huge!

Close to redlining
for the entire playgroup.

[Jimbo] Everybody except Joy.

Who's Joy?

Joy Freeman?
The mayor's daughter?

Quiet Psycho Baby! Joy!

Hey, we need you.

- Gah!
- Ow!

I'm sorry! But just wait a second.

That baby's obviously suffered through
Dr. Kevin's awful comedy doctoring before.

Yes, we all have.
That's why we're doing this.

But not everyone feels things
the same way.

She's the quiet one, right?

Eyes always wide open,
taking everything in?

If you need her help, you need her help.

Just think about what big, loud,
obnoxious Dr. Kevin must be like for her.

Joy?

I'm sorry.

I never stopped to think
that this is probably harder for you

than for any of us.

And I wouldn't ask
if there were any other option.

But I'm not asking you to do this alone.

We're a field team now.

Yes, we're counting on you,

but you can count on us.

We're with you
every crawling step of the way.

Food coloring. You know what to do.

[diaper rustles]

Sweet child of heaven!

What is that color
and why is it coming out of my baby?

[bell jingles]

Freeman.

- [squishes]
- No infection, Mr. Mayor.

[in c*ck accent] 'Ear 'ear,
this calls for a celebration!

[electronic vomiting]

- [gags]
- Shut it off! She's highly suggestible!

I-I'm sorry! Sorry!

[crying]

Kidding?

[truck horn blares]

- [wailing]
- [Dr. Kevin] I swear, I didn't mean it!

How is this medicinal?

It's... It's comedy!

Uh, here, have a balloon.

What?

I'm sure you're a wonderful pediatrician,
but your comedy stinks.

You're right! I... [grunts]

It's all done.

Nothing but boring
workplace professionalism from me.

I promise.

Ha ha! We did it!

[babies cheering]

Look at those baby love readouts!

The new, duller-than-dirt Dr. Kevin
is a hit with babies townwide!

Who knew I could love boring?

We all do, big guy.

And Quiet Psycho Baby, Joy...

[laughs] h* h* h*.

Did you ever come through clutch. Ha ha!

Come on, crack a smile. You deserve it.

[babbling]

What did she say?

She said she sort of a little bit liked
Dr. Kevin's comedy hah-hahs.

That's not possible.

- Wha... Why would you...
- [babbling]

You want to be a comedian yourself?

I don't believe it. Tell me a joke.

[babbling]

[laughing]

Okay. Oh! Whoo!

That's pretty good,
but it's beside the point.

Look at the trend lines, the pie graphs!

These are exactly the kind of results
that are going to get my job back!

Over 98 percent of babies agree we've made
Dr. Kevin's office a better place!

- I guess she's in the other two percent.
- You really blew the call on that one.

It's not my fault!

It's this stupid lucky pencil
that turned on me!

There is no such thing
as lucky and/or unlucky pencils!

That is exactly the kind of unbelief
that lets bad luck artifacts

spiral out of control in the first place!

- [Danny] Tim?
- [gasps]

[Danny shouts, grunts]

[Tim] Danny.
What are you doing here?

Opening a new front in the squirrel wars.

But, uh, I heard you arguing with somebody
about your unlucky pencil.

The other guy take off?

Yeah, I guess he couldn't handle
how real it was.

Bro, you can't force anyone to believe
in the luckular sciences.

Every dude walks their own path.

If you wanna lead them to the truth,
first you gotta respect their thing.

[groans] Oh, I can't believe I'm getting
life lessons from Danny Petrosky.

[parents chatting]

- [parents gasp]
- Oh, come on!

No evidence of concussion,
just mild contusions.

And no fractures this time.

Oh, thank goodness!

Rest, ice, compression
and elevation should help...

- [cooing]
- Oh, what did you find?

[coos]

Sorry, ma'am.
I thought I got rid of all that.

[laughing]

I think he wants a honk.

I don't really do that anymore.

Just once? For old times' sake?

[coos]

- [honks]
- [giggling]

Again? Again?

- [honks]
- [giggling]

I got the impression
this sort of thing wasn't wanted.

Maybe doctor comedy
isn't one-size-fits-all.

Some babies like it, others don't.

Every baby walks its own path,
and you just gotta respect their thing.

Ooh, well put, Tim!

Here, you can use this fancy fire pencil
to track who's who on your charts.

Cool! Thanks!

[Boss] Baby satisfaction: 100 percent.

That one's for you, Joy.

Just be sure to do extra comedy
for my little guy.

He seems to love it!

- You can belch on it! [laughs]
- [electronic burps]

Kidding! [laughs]

[theme music playing]

♪ Boss Baby ♪