04x07 - Chicago

[bunniefuu]

- [boy grunts]
- [phone dings]

Hold all my calls.

- [baby giggling]
- [lullaby plays]

♪ Boss Baby ♪

♪ I'm the Boss, Boss Baby, boss, boss
Boss Baby, boss, boss ♪

♪ Watch a itty-bitty kid get large ♪

♪ I'm the big Boss Baby in charge ♪

♪ Stroller rolling
Up and down the boulevard ♪

♪ I'm the big Boss Baby in charge ♪

♪ I run this house, I rule this crib ♪

♪ Change my diaper, son
Where's my bib? ♪

♪ Don't pacify
You just got to pay me ♪

- ♪ Who's in charge? ♪
- ♪ Me, the Boss Baby ♪

- Guess what! Huh?
- [Boss baby] Shh!

Quiet, Templeton. Enemies everywhere!

So, you're hiding
in a fort made of cushions?

Come on, Mom and Dad are already...

[recording] Shh! Quiet, Templeton.
Enemies everywhere!

What?

[both grunting]

[recording] Shh! Quiet, Templeton.
Enemies everywhere!

Disappointing.

Really need more from you
on this project, Templeton.

What the heck are you talking about?
[grunts]

My week-long suspension from work.

If I'm not allowed to go to the office,

I need to sharpen
my executive skills here,

which is very difficult
when there's no one to do business with.

You're on loafer's retreat from school...

- Spring break.
- So, help me out.

I'm losing my entire business mojo
being stuck at home.

Well, good news.

- We're only home for a few more seconds!
- What the... [yelps]

What just happened?
Why am I in my vroom-vroom seat?

Spring break!

It's the wildest, craziest
vacation time of the year.

- [engine starts]
- [radio playing]

- Spring break!
- Spring break!

Don't tell me we're off
to some East Floridian sunscreen pit.

[Ted] Chicago, here we come!

We're going to visit
Gigi and Grandpa Big Ed!

Really? I assumed Gigi lived in
some sort of blue-collar workers' commune

where they bend sheet metal and shout
propaganda into their banjos all day.

And she's married? Good for her.

But my corporate moxie
is declining fast enough.

Mushy grandparent kisses
are the last thing I...

Can we play games
the whole way to Gigi's house?

Well, I don't know, Tim.

Is that an official request?

Spring break!

The boy invoked spring break law, honey.

Our hands are tied.

♪ My name is Mom and I am the b*mb ♪

♪ My name is Dad and I'm super rad ♪

♪ My name is Tim, that's me, I'm him ♪

[Ted] Dog house.

[Janice] House warming.

[Tim] Warming up.

Updraft.

Draft rootbeer.

[Tim] Rootbeer float!

♪ With the snacks in our hands
We're a real snack band ♪

- ♪ Snack band ♪
- ♪ Yeah-yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Snack band, uh-huh ♪

Beef stick baby solo!

A-booga-booga-booga-booga... Ah!

[man] Hey! Watch where you're slingin'
beefsticks, guy!

[Ted] Check it out, boys... the Windy City.

Chicago, Illinois!

Sacred steel and hallowed marble.

Every tower a temple of capitalism
and corporate excess!

I want a pizza as fat as a tractor tire

and one of those hot dogs
with too much on it!

This is exactly what I needed to...

- [Janice] Honey, you're missing the exit!
- [Ted] I got it! We're good!

Exit? Why are we exiting?

Gigi and Grandpa Big Ed
don't live in the city.

- They live in the suburbs.
- No, no, no, no, no!

Make them turn around!

Just give me one day
to challenge my skills

in that pulsing mecca of commerce!

I wanna see Gigi and Grandpa Big Ed.

Spring break.

How dare you invoke
spring break law for work stuff?

Spring break. Spring break.

Spring break, spring break, spring break.

- Spring break.
- [Tim sighs]

Fine, I'll see what I can do. [gasps]

Gigi!

You're so much bigger!

[Ed] Make room for your big, dumb grandpa.

- Grandpa Big Ed!
- [laughs]

- [giggles]
- [grunts]

I can barely toss you around anymore!

How old are you, 36?

Hey, so, this is the little guy.

Hey, unbuckle him.
My sausage fingers are too clumsy.

- [Boss Baby gasps]
- Now this is toss-able guy!

- [chuckles] Light as a potato.
- [gasping, grunting]

Hi, Mom.

Great to see you, Gigi.

- What do you guys want to do first?
- [yawns]

Pretty beat from the drive, actually.

- Figured we'd hang out here...
- Can we go into the city?

- Tim...
- You bet we can!

You two go rest.

Big Ed and I will take the kids.

Where you going, Ed?

[stammers] I gotta get the ladder.

- I mis-tossed.
- [giggling]

Um, are you sure you're okay
with the kids?

Zip it, Janice.
Accept the free babysitting.

What do you two little troublemakers
wanna hit first?

[car horns honking]

[cooing, giggling]

Aren't you gonna eat
your Chicago dog, Timmy?

No! [retches]

Who eats a hotdog with tomatoes?

I want it as a souvenir.

Geez, Gigi never told me
you were such a big wiggler!

I could put you
on my fishing hook for bait. [chuckles]

Maybe you'd rather walk with your brother.

Here, Timmy.

Hold my hotdog. Don't eat it!

Oh, come on, Big Ed can't take a nibble?

Don't.

Look at this place, Templeton!
Smell this place.

The food carts, the garbage
from excessive consumerism,

the municipal steam! [sniffs]

[exhales, gasps]

That man! He has two briefcases!

- One for each arm!
- [Gigi] All right.

If you don't mind,
I gotta return a blouse here.

The store is in the skyscraper?

[Boss Baby gasps] Fiduciary Olympus!

- Test me, train me...
- [elevator dings]

...hone me like a blade
in your invisible hand.

Where do you think you're going?

- I think he wants to go to work.
- [babbling]

Upper floors are for snoots in suits.

- We got business down here.
- [whines]

You all go ahead.
I'm gonna test-drive this easy chair.

Yeah, your Gigi,
she takes all day with these returns.

Because management here
is a pain in my hams.

You promised me one day
to challenge my skills.

- Just leave me with the old man.
- You sure?

Spring break.

[cries]

Hey, Grandpa Big Ed,
is it okay if the baby stays with you?

- He's a little sleepy.
- [yawns]

A snuggle buddy!

Yeah, bring that tub-a-chub
right over here.

Oh, now, this is the life, huh?
[yawns, sighs]

- [snoring]
- Heh!

Too easy. I'm almost embarrassed.

[elevator dings]

As your Gigi, it's my job
to teach you the old ways,

stuff too dangerous
for Ted and Janice's weak stomachs.

You have my attention.

Today's lesson: merchandise returns.

You want me to return this lady shirt?

I'm just a kid.
This is grown-up stuff... and boring.

Not the way I do it.

You ever been on a roller coaster?

Yeah! I threw up! It was awesome!

That's what a store
with a stingy return policy feels like.

Whoa! Spring break.

Excuse me.
I would like to return this.

Mm. That's past our 30-day return policy.

Okay, sorry, thanks, bye!

Yep, that was terrifying.
Thanks for the lesson, Gigi.

Ride's not over.

How hard can you slap a counter?

I have always wanted to find out.

[smacks] Hand over that return policy
in writing, now!

- Please?
- Okay, I will get that, sir.

[elevator dings]

- Agricultural futures, am I right?
- [people laughing]

[elevator dings]

Hey, guy, you the new mailroom guy?

Yes, the mailroom! That's me.

Best way to the top
is to start at the bottom.

- That's what I say.
- 'Kay, guy.

Help yourself to donuts
and joe in the breakroom.

[man] Yeah. Yeah.

No, if we're going back and forth a lot...

What do you say, here?
Have we got a deal?

Okay, good. Sold!

[inhales, exhales]

I'm home.

- Here you go, Jones.
- [woman] Whoa, look at the zip...

- Package for Chakrabarti.
- Thanks there, guy.

Yo, Zalinski,
hope this is more than bills!

- [Zalinski guffaws]
- Oof!

That Brecklecap-Grunion merger
looks like a dooz!

Slip in an exclusivity clause
to net more liquidity for reinvestment.

Geez, guy! You're a firecracker!

Biff Biedermann,
intra/extra office communications.

[Boss Baby yelps]

Mail for...

Carlisle?

Don't know who you are
or who rented you that lip toupee,

but this is my turf.

Easy do's it, Carlisle.

I'm just a one-day wonder.

Trying to pump up
my wheeling and dealing muscles

in a big-boy office
while Baby Corp has me on sabbatical.

- Tourist?
- CEO, actually.

Oh, h*, h*, look at this guy!

Thinks he wears platinum tinkle-pants!

Grab a donut on the way back to your crib.

If you don't skedaddle,
we got a w*r on our hands.

[gasps] A w*r?

- Oh, thank you!
- [grunts]

Oh, what's better than conquering
the adult corporate world?

Defeating a baby who's already conquered
the adult corporate world! [grunts]

Carlisle, you got yourself
an incognito business baby rival.

Biff Biedermann ain't going nowhere.

Then I'll have to
"nowhere" you myself, guy.

You got the edge.

Now find something in this policy
that doesn't make sense

and shove it in her face.

Aha! Right here,
it says "clothes can't be worn."

Is that "worn" like you wore it,
or worn-out, like there's holes in it?

- Pretty unclear.
- [sighs]

It means you can't wear the clothes
and bring 'em back,

like your grandma clearly did.

Okay, let's treat each other
with a little more respect.

Me and you, we're working women, right?

Actually, I'm working.

You're customer-ing,
and you're kinda bad at it.

Why are you such a brick wall?

We're on the same side in this fight
for worker and customer fairness!

Nothing? [scoffs]

You're up, Timmy.

This is the first loop-de-loop
on the retail roller coaster.

Ask for the manager.

May I please discuss this return policy
with the manager?

He's busy.

Have you ever been on spring break?

You kidding?

I met my boyfriend
in an East Floridian sunscreen pit.

Well, I'm on spring break
and I'd like to see the manager.

Spring break!

Well, I can't say no to spring break law.

- Let me grab the manager.
- [line ringing]

So, I told the missus,
"You bring your folks to Lake Geneva,

- I'll be sleeping on the pontoon."
- [people laughing]

- Go, State!
- [all] Go, State!

[laughter continues]

Kuvitsky, is there really a need
for this expensive glossy paper

for intra-office memos?

[Carlisle] Biedermann, a word?

Carlisle! Do you know Kuvitsky,
the office general manager?

Of course I do.
I work here like a normal adult.

Excuse us, Kuvitsky.

You think I'm joking? Scram.

I can get a mail boy fired like that.
[snaps fingers]

Unfortunately, I'm not a mail boy anymore.

Five minutes ago, Kuvitsky promoted me
to assistant office general manager.

My job is to find budget cuts.

I'm gonna propose some streamlining, so...
[snaps fingers]

I'm like a broken furnace.
You're never gonna fire me.

Try me. [snapping]

[snapping]

I feel amazing!

I actually have a manager coming!

Never back down.

This store doesn't exist
without the customers,

so you got no reason to let
some suit-and-tie suck-up intimidate you.

May I serve you?

Ah! Steve-fan the flight attendant?

Well, howdy-do!

It's my favorite little passenger
who won't pronounce a name right,

even if it's sitting
right in front of him!

It's "Stevefan."

- You know this guy?
- Oh, yes!

This cool dude was the straw
that popped a hole in my dream life

of soaring over the oceans.

Now I'm stuck on the ground floor
of a skyscraper.

Really makes you laugh. [laughs]

One moment.

Attention, customers,
we're having a flash sale on intimates!

[chuckles] Underpants sale.

Now, how may I serve you, customer?

I'd like to return this, Steve-fan.

[chuckles] Over my store policy.

- Spring brea...
- I only honor the winter holidays.

[gasps] So cold!

Yeah, see, right there, guy.

[Kuvitsky] Corporate charter says
you do have the power

to fire an assistant
office general manager.

Find Biedermann so I can break it to him
that his position's been eliminated.

Here, Biffy Biffy!

Need a promotion! Need a promotion!
Need a promotion!

Eh! Dang complicated deal!

Superior in distress?

Corporate gods, you make me blush.

Hey, Garcia. What's wrong with my favorite
VP of Draft Acquisitions?

This Flowers Department Store acquisition
is a real busted hinge!

Can't find a way to close it!

Mind if I take a look?

Well, just leverage the pending
O'Keefe Data Systems merger

to sweeten the pot.

The Flowers deal will close
like a morning glory at noon.

That's...

You just secured us
an acquisition and a merger!

[laughter]

Assume firing positions.

[Garcia] I'd like to introduce you all
to our newly promoted

Associate VP of Mergers and Acquisitions!

[grumbles]

I'm not leaving until I get a refund
for this blouse.

Well, you're not getting a refund
on this blouse, so buh-bye.

I have a plan.

You distract him, I'll make things
very uncomfortable around here.

[Stevefan] Ah! You come back here
with my walkie!

Management here seems like
a real hard butt, huh?

Whoo! You said it there, guy.

Wanna know how to stick it to him?

Using mergers to maximize leverage
on acquisitions

puts us in a better position,
not only for stronger closings,

but also additional acquisitions!

Shh! The CEO is gonna speak.

So, you're an associate vice president,
Biedermann?

I'm also hardworking, whip-smart,
and immodest.

[all laughing]

Love it.

Wouldn't Biedermann be perfect to fill
our open chief financial officer job?

CFO? That's like the CEO of money!

- Yes, of course I'll take the job!
- [laughter continues]

Walk with me.

I want you to meet
our chief operating officer.

You'll be working hand in hand
to execute my corporate vision.

Ah, here he is.

Carlisle meet our new CFO Biedermann.

Biedermann, Carlisle.

- Carlisle.
- Biedermann.

Gotta run. I got hoops tickets later.

- Go, State!
- [people] Go, State!

So, you're COO.

That explains the strong hand
you've been playing.

You don't think I have
an ace up my sleeve?

My sleeve is made of aces,
so if you want to push, ante up.

I'm holding, you're folding.

Can we at least agree neither of us
knows anything about poker

other than the terminology?

We can... but I'm still axing you.

Good luck. May the best baby
disguised as a man win.

Stace? I need you to fax some data
to a grown-up company in Chicago.

Let my grandma return her blouse
and you can have your walkie back!

I would love to not do that.

Attention, shoppers.

Because Manager Steve-fan's breath
smells like moth ba*ls,

we're giving you 80 percent off
all ball-shaped merchandise!

Yeah!

Thanks for shopping with us.

Sadly, there is no ball sale.

And my breath smells fresh
as a crisp winter's morning,

and every one of my many kissing partners
knows it! [yells]

- I lost him for a minute.
- Good.

Now, here's what I want you
to say into the walkie.

[Tim] Attention, all worker people,
please report to the returns counter

to learn how to improve your lives
by forming a union.

[gasps] No!

[pants, yelps]

When you band together as one,
you'll get higher wages,

better hours, and, most of all, respect!

You set the terms.
You stick it to the man!

Union! Say it with me!

[all] Union!

Hey, slugger, that room
is for trying on merchandise only.

I'm gonna need you to step out.

[Tim] Attention, shoppers.

- See manager at the changing rooms.
- No!

[Tim] If you can smell his breath
without throwing up for ten seconds,

you get ten dollars in free mouthwash!

That loudspeaker
does not set store policy!

- [workers chanting] Union! Union! Union!
- [screams]

Code Unicorn!

- Attempted unionization in progress! Ah!
- Can't stop the union train now.

You think this is gonna change my mind
on your blouse return?

Oh, this got bigger than blouses,
manager man.

This is about justice!

Fair terms and fair wages
for all the workers of the world!

But if you do wanna let my Gigi
return her blouse, that's fine, too.

[growls] Never! Gah!

McHennessy, I have
something exciting to share.

Biedermann, Carlisle just made
a pretty convincing argument

for your termination.

Oh? Then I guess you're not interested
in seeing this folder.

I've prepared what I call
a vision redirect

for International Holdings
and Worldwide Investments, Incorporated.

Love it already. Go.

- What?
- Who doesn't love a vision redirect?

Babies.

- But...
- Shh!

As you can see by the market research,
babies are quickly becoming

not only the most loved thing,
but the only loved thing.

Yellow 100 is almost a reality!

Uh, it's a code name.

In conclusion,
this company's future is babies.

I've never seen
an international market more ripe

for acquisitions, mergers,
and investments.

Biedermann, you're an invaluable part
of this company.

Carlisle, you're a nut-bird
for trying to can this guy.

But Biedermann's a baby!

- Carlisle!
- A baby.

- You can't see it?
- Pssh. This guy!

Like, he whines a lot?

He's literally an infant.

Less than a toddler, a larval human.

Nut-bird, am I ri... goo-ga-kai!

- [both grunting]
- Stop it, you two!

I said stop it!

How'd a baby get in here?
Where's Carlisle?

Don't you open that mouth.

Get off me!
McHennessy, let me explain.

- [babbling]
- Well, now you did it.

I'm sorry, I...

McHennessy, we got big problems
at our newest acquisition.

[babbling continues]

- You okay?
- She just started talking like that.

It's as if someone broke her brain.

Well, if she's blown a gasket,
we need an interim CEO, stat.

Got a developing crisis.

Well, as CFO, I'll take the job.

Um, no, I'm COO. I have seniority.

Really, you guys are co-equal heirs
to the throne,

and the company charter is very specific
on how to resolve this.

CFO calls it.

Heads!

Heads it is.

Biedermann, you're the acting CEO

of International Holdings
and Worldwide Investments.

- Get McHennessy to the doc.
- [babbling continues]

- Go, State!
- [all] Go, State!

So, what's the crisis, Garcia?

On your advice, we bought

the very profitable
Flowers Department Stores.

But while we were closing,
a grandmother and her grandson

came in to return a blouse and, somehow,
now the workers want to unionize?

Thank you, Garcia.
Leave me to confer with my COO, please.

Do I get to resign with dignity,
or you gotta humiliate me first?

We're business babies, not animals.

I don't go for the k*ll
when I've already won.

You can do whatever you want.

"Whatever I want."

That's the most liberating thing
anyone's ever said to me.

You know, when I first ran away
from Baby Corp, Wichita,

I was actually looking
to get into the Chicago blues scene.

But I guess office life
was comfortable, and...

Godspeed, Carlisle.

Honestly, I don't know you
well enough to care.

[harmonica plays]

But... what are you gonna do?

I've got an international conglomerate
in my hands, a city at my feet,

and a labor crisis
about 20 floors downstairs.

What am I gonna do?

I'm gonna go out as a legend.

- What's that?
- [workers] Union!

Okay! Thanks, guy.

The company's letting us have our union!

[cheering]

No!

[sniffs] That's ten seconds
without upchucking at your breath.

Where's my free mouthwash, guy?

They said you get to return your blouse.

Also, I was told to throw in
a free sweater

and this here Italian silk baby suit.

How did they know we had a baby...

- No way!
- [snoring]

Way to stick it to 'em, Timmy!

- Spring break!
- Spring break!

My souvenir dog!

Eh, we'll get you another.

- [inhales, exhales]
- [phone rings]

Interim CEO Biff Biedermann.

And I'm already fired.

Boss Baby, one; Chicago...

also one.

You're a heck of a town.

[blues music playing]

♪ When he came down to Chicago ♪

♪ He was all too small to see ♪

♪ But that shrimp became a legend ♪

♪ And they called that man BB ♪

♪ He was the greatest little CEO ♪

♪ That you ever did see ♪

♪ Oh, he muscled through the boardroom ♪

♪ Filled those fat cat pockets full ♪

♪ He helped the working dogs go union ♪

♪ With just a little push and pull ♪

♪ Oh, it's the legend of ♪

- ♪ The legend of BB ♪
- [camera shutter clicking]

[Carlisle] "Take it Carlisle!"
Don't mind if I do.

What a town, Templeton.

I saw a rat with a knife in its mouth!

Spring break!

Gotta say, I feel in tip-top shape
to go back to the office on Monday.

I've even begun formulating
a six-month plan to take Baby Corp

past Yellow 100 and into the stratosphere!

[car door opens]

See you soon, cuddle chubs.

- [engine starts]
- You're a lot cuter than I remember.

Weird he isn't growing, though.

[both gasp]

[Gigi] Probably oughta talk
to a doctor about that.

Anyway, great to see you, kid.

[theme music playing]

♪ Boss Baby ♪