04x09 - Boom Baby

[bunniefuu]

- [boy grunts]
- [phone dings]

Hold all my calls.

- [giggling]
- [lullaby plays]

♪ Boss Baby ♪

♪ I'm the Boss, Boss Baby, boss, boss
Boss Baby, boss, boss ♪

♪ Watch a itty-bitty kid get large ♪

♪ I'm the big Boss Baby in charge ♪

♪ Stroller rolling
Up and down the boulevard ♪

♪ I'm the big Boss Baby in charge ♪

♪ I run this house, I rule this crib ♪

♪ Change my diaper, son
Where's my bib? ♪

♪ Don't pacify
You just got to pay me ♪

- ♪ Who's in charge? ♪
- ♪ Me, the Boss Baby ♪

[music playing]

[narrator] Children of w*r!

Our cowardly corporate enemies attacked
while our defenses were down.

Unfair play!

But Baby Corp prepares to fight back

the way babies do... adorably.

All fours! Crawl! Suck thumb!

[narrator]
No battle can be won without resources,

so keep donating those office supplies.

Your sacrifices will be difficult,

but every baby must do their part.

Oh, hi. You've caught me
making painful but necessary cuts

to Baby Corp's operating budget.

Remember, a penny saved
is a penny closer to victory.

- For Baby Corp!
- [Staci] My department can't function!

[voices overlapping]

People, this is for the w*r effort!

We've never faced three enemies
simultaneously before.

We all have to be prepared
to make sacrifices.

- Boss is right!
- Thank you, Chip.

I've been changing my diaper
without using baby wipes.

- [all gasp]
- And you should, too!

Everyone, quiet!

This doesn't have to get emotional
or unhygienic.

It's a straightforward
cost-benefit analysis.

You all have copies of the company budget,

so let's just go through this thing
line by line,

calmly and rationally.

[all gasp]

Baby Corp Community Theater?

Egads, that's pricey. Easy cut, right?

Objection, if I may.

The skills I learn on the stage
apply directly to my work.

Like?

Acting like I'm cool with something
when I'm really very angry.

And as you can see, I could use
some serious theater rehearsals right now!

I'm sorry, Hendershot.

Maybe you should cut
intramural dodgeball instead.

- Look at those expenses.
- [Jimbo] No!

Dodgeball develops
important skills like...

throwing and not getting hit by stuff!

And when we win games, we get ice cream!

So sorry, my friend.

[sobs]

[Boss Baby] Wow. Hold on.

[whistles] "Project Boom"?

Costing us an arm and a leg.
What do we know about this one?

You should cut it to save dodgeball.

Yeah, I agree with that guy!

So, no one's going to whine to me
about cutting Project Boom?

Outstanding!

Make it happen.

[pops]

[pops]

[whizzing]

- [clatters]
- Eh...?

[clatters]

[wheels squeaking]

[voice] Finally!

[grunts]

[sighs]

"We thank you for your service, and...
Project Boom cancelled"?

What? No! What? Come on!

You serious with this, hoss?

I know it's been a while
since my last assignment, but...

It's been a while.
You forgot what I can do for the company.

Okay, okay, okay. You just need a reminder
of what Project Boom's all about,

and I got a big one I've been holding onto
for a moment...

just like this.

[voices overlapping]

[Boom Baby] "Kinderglückseligkeit..."

the finest German engineering
money can buy.

But is it really as safe as they say?

- Boom!
- [thumps]

- [Baby Boom crying]
- [patrons gasping]

Roosevelt! Forks down, we're working!

All right!

Lunch date just got paid for
by Channel 8, baby!

You know where to find me.

- [alarm blaring]
- [voices yelling]

What happened? Who hit us?

Hang on. Calling it up!

...touted by its makers

as "The safest chair
for baby-sized objects."

But is the Kinderglückseligkeit
safe for babies?

Take back those filthy words.

We're not ruling out
the table as a suspect,

but if it is the chair,
that thing's getting recalled.

[gasps] You can't take away
our Kinderglückseligkeits!

Where is a baby supposed to sit
for a restaurant meal?

Uh, parents' laps?

What are we, napkins?

Parental anxiety levels
are through the roof, Beebs!

This is the worst thing to happen
since somebody cancelled dodgeball!

- Are we really doing this right now?
- I don't wanna talk about it!

This was no accident.

Which of our enemies is capable of such
a well-coordinated attack on baby love?

- I need actionable intelligence!
- [gasps] Boss?

I think we have an eyewitness.

[giggles]

Yes, I am a baby in a suit.

It's very comical.
Now, come on, you know me!

[Staci] Maybe he doesn't anymore.

He's been retired as a normal baby
for a long time.

Who knows what he remembers
about Baby Corp?

Maybe we should just leave him alone.

It's just conversation.

Hey, there, little prince.

Can you tell me what happened
at the restaurant today?

- [babbles]
- [clatters]

- Yes, baby did fall down and go boom-boom.
- [giggles]

Now, which of these silly willies
helped baby go boom-boom?

[babbles]

We know "baby fell go boom-boom."
Who else was at the num-num place?

Bark-barks? Baa-baa? Consult-consult?

I get it. You didn't ask to be a witness.

Did they threaten you?

Because I promise,
no matter what they said they'd do...

[growls] I can do worse.

Nope, nope, too scary.

Dial it back, dial it back.

- [Mega Fat babbling]
- [Jimbo] Uh, Boss?

[babbles]

"Project Boom BFFs for life.

No take-backsies"?

[Boss Baby gasps]

- [giggles]
- [blocks clatter]

Hendershot, hit the company archives.

Gather everything Mega Fat had
on Project Boom.

I want a full briefing
the minute I hit the office!

"Boom Baby: Born to Boom"?

Since you cut Baby Corp Community Theater,

we've got no outlet
to showcase our talents.

Dodgeball feels you.

- I don't wanna talk about it!
- [moans]

Really just need a file folder
with some b*llet points and...

No talking during the performance.

[music playing]

Hi! I'm Boom Baby,
and I have a special talent!

Whoops! Agh!

I'm falling down
an entire flight of stairs,

but it doesn't really bother me
because my special talent

is an incredibly high tolerance for pain!

I'm Mega Fat CEO Baby.

I know just how to use
your special talent!

I call it "Project Boom."

I am the passage of time.

I will slide down this playground slide.

Too hot!

[mock sobbing] Wah-hh!

I'm a parent.

Let's put a shade over this slide
to prevent burned heinies!

This trike's too wobbly!

Wah-hh!

Let's bring it in for a refund!

I'm also a parent.

This is a cactus.

- [thumps]
- Ow! Who put a cactus here?

Wah-hh!

I'm the President of Volcano Taming
at the space circus!

I can't remember my lines
or who my character is,

but I do know I should move this cactus.

You're sure about all this?

It's all straight
from Mega Fat's old voice memos.

Dude really loved to hear himself talk.

There's, like, five hours of him
just working on lyrics

for the "Ha Ha You're Fired" song.

Hee-hee-ha-h*, you're...
No, no, I can beat that.

Take a baby who doesn't get hurt easily,

use him to expose all the dangerous flaws
in baby products.

Hmm. It's actually not a bad idea.

Even a broken European clock
is right once a day.

But who told Boom Baby
to go after that high chair?

Nobody.

I mean, I'm going improv here, but...

[inhales]

I'm Boom Baby!

I haven't heard from Baby Corp
since Mega Fat got fired

and everybody forgot about me!

Wait. What's this letter?

Project Boom is cancelled?

Not if I can help it.

Maybe I'll just make
my own baby-proofing projects.

[gasps] He's gone rogue!
We need to stop this ASAP.

I want a meeting, in person.

Somebody get a message to Boom.

- [clatters]
- [stammers, gasps]

[toddler babbling]

No sign of him, Boss.

He could be plotting an ambush.

We need an emergency code phrase
in case things get hairy...

something we can all remember.

I remember dodgeball.
Don't wanna talk about it.

Ooh, how about, "Wow, I can't believe
this is going so well"?

Copy that, Boss.

Come on, big guy,
help me scout the perimeter.

All right, where are you hiding?

Ah-hh! Whew. My back needed this.

Boom Baby?

You're right, it's not a social call.
Let's talk business.

So, I'm un-cancelled?

Is that what this is about?

You just torpedoed
the world's safest high chair.

Not exactly winning Baby Corp over.

It was too high for a chair.

It's a high chair! [moans]

Look, your former service is appreciated,

but it's time to stand down.

Baby Corp's at w*r.
We don't need another distraction.

And frankly, we have test dummies
in the R&D lab

that can do this job
without making a public scene.

You can't cancel me, cubicle boy.

I want to talk to the CEO.

Mega Fat's a friend.
He'll take the meeting.

[chuckles] Of course!

Oh, Boom Baby,
this is all a huge misunderstanding.

You've been out in the field so long,
you don't even know.

I'm the CEO. Boss Baby.

So, yes, I do have the authority
to cancel Project Boom,

but we'd love to find you some alternative
position within the comp...

- Where are you going?
- Ha! I knew you weren't Baby Corp.

A handshake? That's for dogs.

Is that who you're working for?

PuppyCo trying to shut down my work?

Am I the only true Baby Corper left?

[yells] Wow, I can't believe
this is going so well!

- [screams]
- Huh...?

You're coming back to Baby Corp.

Let the airplane land!

[Jimbo] Suck, suck, suck, suck,
suck, suck, suck, suck!

[grunts]

Nice try, but I'm used to
spitting out stuff

babies shouldn't have eaten.

You thought a conspiracy of fakers could
stop me making this world safe for babies?

All you did was unleash me.

[gasps]

[clatters]

Agh! [yelps]

- Boom, please listen.
- That's gonna be hard.

This place is about to get loud.

- [squeals]
- [moans]

- [babies wailing]
- Do they look safer to you?

They will be,
now that I got their attention.

[mother] Oh, sweetie!

[voices overlapping]

No, no, no, no, no!

Boom!

He's good.

This is bad.

[Marsha] What was once a safe haven
for mommies to read romance novels

is now shut down and exposed

as a hotbed of baby contusions.

[groans] Another bastion
of parental comfort gone belly-up!

What does Boom Baby want?

A world where parents have their babies
strapped to them 24-7?

I mean, yeah, probably.

If Boom keeps stressing out
parents like this,

we won't have to worry about w*r
with Pyg & Tam, OCB, or PuppyCo.

We won't have any baby love left to lose!

We have to stop him,
the way Boss stopped our dodgeball team!

You are really hung up on the dodgeb...

- I said I don't wanna talk about it!
- Jimbo, if you won't even talk to me...

I know who Boom Baby will talk to!

And how are we getting Mega Fat
Normal Retired Baby to play along?

I'm on it. Just get a fix
on Boom Baby's location.

And somebody track down my brother!

[laughing]

[Danny] Oh, I love playing

"Think About If Dinosaurs
Had Longer Arms Than Legs."

We should turn it into a game show!
We'd be so rich and famous!

Eh, I can go for rich, but probably
gotta hold off on getting famous.

My dad was worried enough
that time you and me got on the TV news.

- [Tim grunts]
- The government watches all the channels,

even the half-channels
they can't tell you about in TV school.

Templeton, does the house
only have chunky?

Chunky what?

Still working on the settings.

- Is Mega Fat left-handed or...
- Right!

- Right, chunky what?
- Listen faster!

- You got it, Boss!
- On it!

Listen faster to what? Can I hang up now?

Of course not.
This won't work if we don't have you.

These are the coolest glasses
I could find.

- Smooth.
- We get it, you look cool for a baby.

- No, I need smooth.
- We have eyes on Boom!

Just get to the town square.
Bring straws and smooth peanut butter!

I gotta go.

What about "Think About If Dinosaurs
Had Bigger Arms Than Legs"?

- Play it one-player!
- But it doesn't work one-player!

[laughs]

Oh, wait. Yeah, it does. [laughing]

[Baby Boom] All these people,
walking around like their babies are safe

when every corner is sharp,
every quarter shiny enough to eat.

But we're gonna show them, chief.

After today, it won't matter
if they shut down Project Boom.

Today, baby safety
takes a flying leap into...

[voice] Hello?

It's me. Nice to see... you.

[gasps] Mega Fat CEO Baby!

I really don't think
we should have involved him.

There's zero danger.
Boom Baby idolizes Mega Fat.

And that's why Mega Fat's the only one
who can fire him.

I knew if I just kept doing my job
the way you told me, you'd come around.

Very good. So nice to see you.

Been a long time.
I love chocolate pudding.

What was that?

Oopsie! We mislabeled some of the clips
from Mega Fat's voice diary.

We can fix it! Easy!

So easy, I can fix it with my butt!
[clicking]

Secrets. Yes! Way to go!

Code phrase.
[clicks tongue] I get it.

I also like "pudding."

- [gasps] I didn't rig him for handshakes!
- [recording] Up high!

- That's a good thing. Watch.
- But not really. I'm important and busy.

Very unprofessional.

Nice. You of anyone would know
handshakes are for dogs, sir.

My dogs are barking. Shake on it.

[recording] Never with me, I say.

[Boom Baby] Tell me about it.
Can't be too careful, though.

There's a rogue pack of Baby Corp fakers
trying to shut me down.

Unreal! Baby Corp?

"Don't pretend with me," I said.
I stopped them.

You stopped them? [laughs]

So, we're safe! Good!

'Cause what
I've prepared here, it's gonna...

- [babbling]
- Sir?

[gasps] He's starting to talk for himself!

Keep that mouth busy!
Peanut butter's running low!

[Tim] On it.

[inhales, puffs]

[babbling]

[smacking]

Shake the chair.
Give me some head nodding.

[knuckles crackle]

I love it when we share memories.
Love you, big guy!

Aha! I see, yes. I hear that.

You've always been a great listener.

Move to phase two. Let him down easy.

Approaching to gentle, friendly proximity.

Good news: good job!

I knew you'd be behind me on this.

Bad news? h*-h* h*-h*, you're fired!

[laughing]

That's a funny joke, old pal!

Now, come on, let's trigger this.

[recording] No joking.

Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo. Ach!

He's maybe...? Hoo, hoo?

Ha, ha, ha, ha. You're fired!

Oh, yes! That is the one!

Score it for me, Mega Fat CEO Baby!

Whoa... so...

this is really happening?

Yes, cowboy in the saddle.

Some luxurious inflatables. Night-night!

- You're the boss.
- Yes!

[sighs]

Guess this is the last mission, then.

No! What? He's fired now! Tell him...

Project Boom could never keep up
with all the dangers out there.

But that's exactly the solution...
out there.

We just gotta show
all the mommies and daddies

how unsafe it is
to ever bring their babies outside!

[Boom Baby]
I've booby-trapped the entire town square

- with everyday outdoor dangers.
- [crying]

- And I'm gonna hit every one!
- Ow!

I will cry hard.

Parents will be horrified.
- [wailing]

And when the talcum powder settles,

people are gonna swaddle their babies
in bubble wrap

and never, ever leave the house again!

- [all gasp]
- [man] I found it attached to my doorknob.

- [man 2] Yeah!
- All right!

Here come our guests.

Are you guys here for the free
safety demonstration from Project Boom?

- Oh, of course! We love safety.
- [man 3] Yeah!

We need to get Boom
to abort this mission, now!

Tim, keep that peanut butter coming.

[inhales]

- Triplets?
- Engage, my brothers!

[giggles]

[recording] Tasty readily abject ridicule
in as much as dirigible.

Mega Fat?

We're under fire! Get down!

[giggles, murmurs]

Hit him again!

[inhales, coughs]

It went down the wrong pipe! Ulp!

[Mega Fat squeals]

[giggling]

[sniffing]

[Boom Baby] Peanut butter?

[babbling]

- What?
- Simmons, get him out of there!

All thrusters to double left!

- [whirring]
- [Mega Fat squeals]

[Boss Baby] Ugh!

- [triplets] Whoa!
- [thumps]

- [wails] What did they do to you?
- [Boss Baby] Stand down, Boom.

Mega Fat wouldn't want this to happen.

You think a faker like you
knows Mega Fat better than me?

We had matching tattoos
that he was always too busy to show me!

He's changed since you knew him.

He has a mother now. Marsha Krinkle.

The TV reporter!

You're a celebrity baby?

[Boom Baby] That changes everything!

It should be you
having all these outside accidents.

People will pay way more attention!

What? No!

Baby want a blocky-block?

[murmurs, giggles]

- I always put the fastener on the cap.
- Safety is very important to me.

- What?
- Staci, distract the parents.

I'll stop Mega Fat from...

crawling into a pile
of sharp, pokey jacks?

This Boom Baby is sick!

Mega Fat, stop!

[Mega Fat babbling]

Boom, let's talk about this. Oop!

Nah.

[squeals]

[faint whipping]

[babbling]

- Mega Fat, look out! Agh!
- [others gasp]

[Jimbo whimpers, yelps]

[screaming] Ugh!

Oh, my gosh! Baby, are you okay?

[squealing, giggling]

- Come on, let's get you to your...
- [Boom Baby] Yoo-hoo!

- Mm!
- [grunts] We can get you...

[groaning] so many more blocks!

Ulp!

Oh-hh!

Oop! [gasps]

[thumping]

Oh, come on!
How is this a realistic danger scenario?

What if a baby wandered into a food fight?

- It could happen... outside.
- [Mega Fat babbling]

Ouch! Ooh, coconut!

Turn those things off! Agh!

[Boom Baby] Land sakes!

Everything outside is so terribly unsafe!

Why isn't anyone looking?

[bell jingles]

Safety baby is right.

We should remember
to put a helmet on our kids

before they get on a trike.

- Ha-hah!
- Oh!

[both grunting]

Ah-hh!

[both grunting]

[gasps]

- [both grunting]
- Didn't anyone teach you to share?

[giggles]

Sure, they did. Your turn.

- Take the shot, Jimbo!
- [grunts]

[tires screech]

Well, I'm sorry!

But this is what happens
when you cut dodgeball!

Now we're talking about this?!

We have to save Mega Fat... oof!

Oh, look who suddenly cares
about Mega Fat!

Because I'm pretty sure
he was a happy, retired regular baby

before you threw him into this mess!

[bangs]

So, we're not talking about dodgeball?

You make these big, important decisions...

[banging]

and it's like you don't even think about

how it's going to affect
anybody but yourself!

That's just... poop!

[thumps]

You're right.

I told myself I was doing this
for the good of babies.

Oh. I was actually talking to Boss... ulp!

Maybe I even meant it.

But when you really think
about the babies you care for...

Mega Fat, don't!

[thumping]

- [Jimbo] No!
- [Boss Baby] Wait!

[distorted] No-oo!

[grunts]

- [coos]
- [Marsha] There's my chubster!

Nothing like a beautiful, safe day
in the great outdoors, huh, Chubby Lovey?

- Nice dodging back there.
- Thank you.

Technically, this means
we won the game, so... um...

Yes, I'll buy you ice cream.

- Yeah!
- [groans]

[Jimbo giggling]

[inhales]

Sorry, new boss.

I guess the biggest threat
to baby safety was... me.

You kidding? You're the most dedicated
safety baby I've ever met.

We could use your experience.

Appreciate that, but a baby's gotta know
when it's time to clock out.

- I'm ready for retirement.
- If that's what you want.

Just one last favor?

[squeaks]

These test dummies are amazing!

How much heat can they withstand?

- [bangs]
- Anything from sunburns to the actual sun.

What do they eat?

Er... they're not real people.

Yet, I feel such a brotherhood with them.

It's on you now.

Promise me you'll keep this world safe
for the little guys.

Still not people.

It's weird for me when he humanizes them.

I gotta blow these things up.

All right, Boss, let's do this.

[whirrs]

We've matched you
with a family of top scientists.

By the time you grow up, you'll be
keeping babies safe with particle physics!

[sniffles] Love it.

It's for Mega Fat.

Tell him I said bye, will ya?

Yo, Boss.

Jimbo said you restored the budget
for dodgeball and community theater?

Well, I saw how much it meant to them.

And I found a way to save overhead
and justify it as w*r preparation.

[thumping]

Is this a dodgeball
which I see before me... ugh!

- I love the classics!
- [thumps]

Boss Baby