04x10 - The Fumbling of Football Mike

[bunniefuu]

Hold all my calls.

[giggling]

♪ Boss Baby ♪

♪ I'm the Boss, Boss Baby, boss, boss
Boss Baby, boss, boss ♪

♪ Watch a itty-bitty kid get large ♪

♪ I'm the big Boss Baby in charge ♪

♪ Stroller rolling
Up and down the boulevard ♪

♪ I'm the big Boss Baby in charge ♪

♪ I run this house, I rule this crib ♪

♪ Change my diaper, son, where's my bib? ♪

♪ Don't pacify, you just got to pay me ♪

- ♪ Who's in charge? ♪
- ♪ Me, the Boss Baby ♪

[sniffing]

[barking]

I got one. Would you rather eat
your boogers for a week

or eat someone else's boogers for a day?

Guys, focus.

We're supposed to be watching the enemy,
and I haven't even found mine yet.

You babies stroller around.

You seen this face? Look familiar?

An active mind is a focused mind!

Your boogers, one week.
Other boogers, one day. Go!

- Welcome back to...
- Fine, fine, I'll go first.

- [audience laughing]
- Hmm...

I choose my boogers. Simmons?

Um... My boogers.

[groans]
No, wait! Uh, hmm...

Yeah, definitely my boogers.

My turn! Someone else's boogers.

- [gasps]
- You're disgusting!

- Gross!
- Ugh! Yuck! Really?

A bad day's better than a bad week.

- If we're all done eating boogers?
- Good morning, sir!

- Hello!
- I was working very diligently!

What's the scat and report on our enemies?
Applesauce team?

[baby 1] A lot of puppy mingling.
No action.

[baby 2] No change on Pyg and Tam.

[Simmons] Indoor playground's a dead-end
for OCB. Where else should we look?

He's a consultant baby.

Probably hangs out in some over-priced
pocket square boutique

or sleazeball factory.

- [Ted] What about this one?
- [Janice] Keep the photo, sell the frame.

Parents in-bound. I'll call back.

I choose my boogers.

- We need this shape-sorter?
- Sell it.

I'll teach him shapes with pancakes.

Heads up, he's mostly going to learn
about round.

We really need two blankies?

Blue or red?

Baby picked the red one.
You know what that means!

He's mastered colors! Sell the crayons.

Just take what you want and go.
Some of us have work to do.

[Janice] Don't forget the baby!

Ugh. A yard sale.

Imminent corporate w*r and I'm stuck
peddling suburbia's worst export,

tchotchke consumerism.

Come on! Helping our family
make some money selling our junk is fun.

Watch me flip this sign.

A yard sale, huh?

Oh, I hope you're not street vending
without a permit.

Uh...
[nervous chuckle]

Just joshing!
I'm off the clock and ready to buy one.

I called dibs, po-po.

- I gotta get out of here.
- Relax. Templetons are yard sale pros!

You'll be at your boring business office
in no time.

I want to buy this hat.

- Without hearing the story behind it?
- Yes.

- Look, it's money.
- It was senior year of college.

Jazz was cool, sushi was hot.

- They say the mercury in the hat-making...
- He'll come back.

- Just wait.
- I don't have time to wait.

- Where are you going?
- We're hitting the showroom floor.

The only way I'm getting back to work
anytime soon

is by taking over sales from Mom and Dad.

But you hate sales.

You always say it's for anyone
with a hand-me-down suit

and an elderly relative's car.

- How do I look?
- Like you sleep in your clothes.

Ugh. Perfect.

- [blabbers]
- Oh, sweetie,

red's not a good color for the Buskies.

Brings out our family's shameful history
of siding with the Redcoats

during the American Revolution.

[coos]

Well, I'll try it, but I warned you...

just like my great-great-great grandma
warned Benedict Arnold.

[gasps]
God save the king, I look good!

She's a beaut, ain't she?
Just looking, huh?

Imagining how it would shine
on your toy shelf?

Go on, take her for a spin. No presh.

[whines]

- It's a blankie!
- It's a low-cost Halloween costume!

No! It's a dish towel. My goodness.

You just cleaned up that mess in one wipe!

And it's still dry? But how?

More importantly, how much?

What? All of that for just
one easy payment of 5.99? What?

- Hands off! That's mine!
- [man 1] Give me! Give me! Give me!

[upbeat music]

[cash register clinking]

[coins clinking]

♪ Yard sale! ♪

The coffee mug
with the cold coffee is mine!

Everyone here keeps finding their thing.
Well, this is my thing!

Having this mug and saying cool stuff
like, "It's coffee o'clock!"

The coffee mug is leaving with me!

What's that, money? Sale's over?

I should take a tiny commission
and then go work?

Well, if you say so.

We rock at yard sales!

Every tchotchke, every gewgaw,
knickknack, gone, sold!

[in singsong]
And we got some bill money!

♪ Bill money, a-billy-billy-bill money! ♪

I can't believe Tim even let you sell
his Football Mike!

- That was his favorite toy!
- I didn't sell Football Mike.

- He must have put it out himself.
- Somebody got yard sale fever.

The fevered yard seller... is me!

I sold Tim's favorite toy!

Deep breath. Rip the bandage off.
[breathes deeply]

Where's my favorite brother?
[gasps]

It happened so fast!
It was a horrible mistake. Dumb sales!

Nope, this is on me, not sales,
which is still dumb.

- Really don't wanna talk to you right now.
- I'm sorry!

I never meant for Football Mike
to end up on that table!

Seriously, would you please just leave?

There's nothing you can do to fix this,
so what's the point?

- Tim!
- Fine!

If you won't leave, I'm gonna go listen
to my feelings record.

[door slams]

[retreating footsteps]

♪ Sadness wraps you like a sweater ♪

♪ Sometimes crying makes it better ♪

♪ When your eyes get wet ♪

♪ Just let those feelings fly ♪

Staci, Jimbo!

Finally! We got good intel on the baddies.

Who are we hitting first?

[Boss Baby] Listen up.
An important toy has gone missing.

Oh, no!

I want all field teams
on search and recovery.

It's a... sporty toy. About yea high.

[Staci] "Sporty?" Um, what does this
have to do with the w*r effort?

Uh, it's... hmm, classified.

[Boss Baby] The toy is wearing a helmet

and holding a peculiar
pointy-looking object.

- A football?
- Yes! Well done, Staci.

Let's find this toy, people. Top priority!

On it, boss!

- Football Mike! That's the classified toy?
- [gasps]

Okay, it's not classified,
but this confession is.

I accidentally sold it.

So get him a new one.

They sell Football Mikes everywhere.

They don't sell this Football Mike,
with all the memories, good times,

and personalized marker job
Tim poured his artistic soul into!

- But we are on the brink of w*r, sir!
- He's a mess, Staci.

It's all I can think about.
I can't lead a w*r until I find that toy.

[phone beeping]

Boss, look! I found it!

[Boss Baby] I'm on my way!
Do not let that toy out of your sight.

That Football Mike is priceless.

That Football Mike is priceless!

Sayonara, sleazeball factory!

I am moving up in the world.

[man 2] Hey, good for you,
whoever said that!

Hm. That's a good batch of sleazeballs.

Where's Football Mike?

Oh, sorry.

I know you have him.

So, is this a coincidence,
or a declaration of w*r?

- We don't want trouble.
- I kind of do.

Keep piling on the enemies.
Make a whole sandwich of them.

I'll cut off the crusts
and slice it in half!

[stuttering]
Um, we meet him at his house.

Yes, I know. The yard sale.

Did one of your mommies or daddies
just buy this because you liked it?

[stuttering]
Yes! And that today we were travelling.

We traveled back here.

Of course, to the place you hang out
and play with your friends!

- I can't believe it.
- It wasn't a declaration of w*r!

No, I mean that I'm actually having
a rational conversation with a preek.

If I promise to buy you
a brand-new Football Mike,

will you give me back
the one from the yard sale?

Tomatoes.

And that's more like it.

- Ooh!
- What?

- Where's the toy?
- [OCB] Missing something?

Eh, eh, eh, eh?

Trace the call. I'll stall him.

He is clearly in the vents.

[Boss Baby] I thought I smelled trouble.

Or is it an over-splashing of cologne?

Dollop Number Four.

All you need...
[sniffing]

...is a dollop.

You're hawking cologne now?

No. I am hawking Dollop Number Four.

- Stop saying that!
- Can't.

When you're handsome, they give you money
just to say product names out loud

so it gets stuck in the heads
of the less attractive.

- Dollop Number Four.
- Jimbo!

- It drips off the tongue!
- Pow!

Pay me. I'm handsome.

So, you're all about money?
Then name your price for the toy.

Oh, you know the price. You've said it.

I believe it was "priceless"?

You got bugged, son!

Just tell me what you want!

What have I always wanted? Duh! Your job.

OCB, CEO.

Feel it? Yeah!

[scoffs]
Never.

Well, then, "Hut-hut!" Buh-bye.

Tell me you found him.

Beep, boop, bop, boop.

Oh, no way! He's in the vents.

- Let's go get that toy!
- And OCB?

- Because Baby Corp's at w*r with him?
- Of course. Both things.

Now, come on!

[sniffs]
I can smell the Dollop Number Four.

[OCB] Heard you say it!

[groans]
That way!

Dollop Number Four!
[groaning]

I'd say it was a pleasure
doing business with you,

but since I despise you
and your career, I'll just say...

[coos]

[squeaks]

Ha! Doggy bone. Can honestly say
I didn't see that coming.

Talk!

Where is it? Tell me!

BB...

- You're working with PuppyCo?
- Psh!

Like they can afford my day rate.
I've checked.

[gasps]
Remembering. Flashback? Yeah, sure!

Worked up some BO during our chase,

so I paused to apply Dollop Number Four.

All you need is a dollop.

Ha-ha! Wow, chief!

Looks like everybody got ears
on Baby Corp.

- [groans]
- Stop gloating!

Applesauce team, to the doggy park!

You could use a dollop, BB.
You reek of desperation.

Dollop Number Four!

- What are you doing?
- Going after the toy!

[both grunting]

Forget the toy! We have OCB.

- Update, you don't.
- [Boss Baby] No!

[grunts]

You're going after OCB, right?

Uh, eventually? But first, I gotta get
Football Mike back from PuppyCo.

- See you soon!
- What? No!

[groans]

[barks]

[Boss baby] Doggy bag.

Looks like we're ordering take-out.

Frankie, you're up.

- [clatters]
- [barking]

Puppies are taking the bait.
Remember, slide and pause.

[Frankie] Slide and pause.
Slide and pause.

Slide and pause.

[sniffing]

Is that...
[gasps]

No, no, no...

[barking]

Frankie, no! Lead them away from us!

- [Boss Baby] Slide and pause!
- Did you see what that dog did to me?

I assumed you'd have
a higher tolerance for grossness,

as an other person's booger eater.

It's not about the booger source,
it's about the length of time!

Whoa! Whoa!

[all groan]

What's in here, Bug?
Is it a juicy steak? Tennis ball?

An important toy you hoped to use
as leverage against me?

[barking]

Word of advice,

next time you steal
from someone who stole from me,

don't let your stuff be so stolen.

Huh?

"Mikey got plumb nicked. Cheers."

[gasps]
Phony British slang

from someone
who's clearly never been in country.

Pyg and Tam.

Staci, I want Ducky team prepped
for Football Mike retrieval.

Can we go back to planning a w*r?

Can Tim go back to playing
with his beloved toy?

No, he cannot! Get me Ducky team.

My father told me
the juggling man will always put food

on his family's table.

No, child!
Banana is the unjuggleable fruit!

[gasping]

[in British accent]
That party went bananas, yeah?

[audience cheering]

The footy fella? Yeah, we blagged it.

Easy as figgy pudding.

[in normal accent]
Why steal it from Bug?

I thought you three
were in animal cahoots.

[in British accent]
It's w*r, bruv.

We still want your office,
and we'll do what it takes to get it.

[in normal accent]
So, what'll you accept

in exchange for the toy?

[in British accent]
You trying to make a deal, bruv?

[in normal accent]
No.

I'm negotiating one.

[in high-pitched voice]
Slag him!

[in normal voice]
As you wish, Mr. Pyg.

No production facilities.

No Football Mike.

No facilities, but production satellite
access with oversight.

Weekdays?

Weekends.

- Every other one.
- Every weekend.

Deal!

[bleats]

Did we win?

Considering we don't even have
production satellites? Yes.

[gasps]
The toy is gone!

[in British accent]
Are you having a laugh, Maria Maria?

[in normal accent]
I am having no laughs. It's gone!

There was only this.

Must have been left behind
by whoever took the Football Mike.

[clears throat]

[in British accent]
American Football Mike.

[in normal accent]
So, who has it now?

- [Maria Maria] Bug the Pug!
- OCB!

[in British accent]
It's clearly a bit of puppy sweater!

[in normal accent]
No, it's from OCB's pocket square!

Pretty sure.

[in British accent]
We're going after that pup.

And when we get your toy,
you're gonna give us what we want,

or we give the toy
the ol' yarny one-two-three.

[in normal accent]
So, we're going after OCB?

[yells]
I don't know!

Are you okay, boss?

No! I broke my brother's heart.
I can't fix it without his Football Mike.

And I can't get Football Mike
because I've got three enemy forces

turning me into a monkey in the middle!

I don't like being a monkey.
Or in the middle!

[gasps]
We need to destroy the middle.

Staci, gather the troops, all of them!

[dings]

There's enough diapers here
to soak up the Mississippi!

- Is this about the w*r?
- It better be.

Another day at the office.

Babies and puppies duked it out
on the soccer field.

Just another day at the office.

Exotic TV celebs tried to evict us.

Just another day at the office.

A consultant tried to fix a place
that needs no fixing.

Another day at ol' Baby Corp.

But when baddies use
my brother's favorite toy

as leverage against me, that's personal.

- No more nice babies!
- [jeering]

- Are we in the middle of a w*r?
- Yes!

Are we gonna pause it
to find my brother's toy?

- Yeah!
- It sounds like we probably are!

That Football Mike is the bait
in a game of monkey in the middle,

so we're gonna close off the middle.

Attack every enemy at once.

Find your name, find your target,
and let's get to work.

[babies cheering]

Yellow 100 also means
I give a hundred percent at home.

But it's not just you giving,

you're committing the whole company
to a lost toy search!

I know, but I can't focus on my job

when all I can see
is that look Tim gave me.

Yeah, you screwed up, but what you...

And you named a diaper after smallpox.

But do you see me complaining? No.

Because I don't hold grudges.
But I do keep tabs.

And right now, my tab journal says
you owe me one.

Wow. So it's like that?

Today, it is.

Applesauce team in position.

[crowd laughing]

Ducky team in position.

Cuddle team in position.

Where's your mommy and daddy?
Gonna need grown-up money for those.

Great choice.

Can I get you anything else?
Water? Juice box?

Green light! All teams, go, go, go!

[Frankie] Applesauce team moving in.

- [baby 2] Pyg and Tam are making the run.
- [Staci] Don't let OCB out of that store!

[baby 2] Goat's got something.
Anyone have a visual?

[Frankie] Puppies running, and fast!

[Staci] OCB's headed south
on Kazoo Avenue.

[Frankie] I see Football Mike!
Bug's got Football Mike!

Yes!

[baby 2] I've got eyes
on Football Mike, too.

[Staci] Wait! OCB has a Football Mike.

[baby 2] Which one do we take out?

Tim's Football Mike
has customized markings on it.

Do you see any?

[Staci] Not exactly something you can see
during a full-on chase!

All right, give me a second.
I said one second!

[gasps]
How in the...

[stuttering]
He's, like, up to here.

It was in your toy chest? Again?

Custom marker job!

All teams, call off the pursuit!

[Boss Baby]
I have the right Football Mike!

What? How?

They messed up. Who cares? But I have it.

All teams, back to Baby Corp.
I'll see you in five.

I found it! I found Football Mike!

Oh, thanks.

Thanks? That's it? Do you have any idea
what I've been through?

Who said I was upset about Football Mike?

Who said you were upset?

You were more depressed
than a sushi chef...

- Danny Petrosky's moving.
- ...in a land-locked state.

- Petrosky's moving?
- His dad saw an unmarked van in town.

Might be FBI mind-trackers
on the hunt, might not.

But you can't be too safe
with agents who can smell your thoughts.

- When did you find out?
- At the yard sale.

Mr. Petrosky doesn't like
to leave a trace,

so Danny asked me to sell
all their personal belongings.

[sighs]

- Tim, I get it.
- No, you don't!

- You're a baby.
- Exactly.

Every time someone covers my eyes,
I think they've disappeared forever.

Right now, for all I know,
you're on Neptune.

Oh, thank peek-a-boo, still here.

Really? Because, honestly,
that sounds like a constant nightmare.

Why do you think we're always crying?

We just learn to live
in the open-eye times.

[Staci] BB, come in!

You've still got Danny for now, don't you?

- You good if I hang out with him?
- BB, come in! It's urgent!

Yeah. You know, work.

- What's up?
- Chupie tech's gone all haywire.

What's going on?

It's sending babies everywhere
but Baby Corp!

- [grunting]
- Strange.

- Mine's working fine.
- [static]

Staci?

[snorting]

Looking for a toy?
Sorry, but it's back where it belongs.

[whining]

What do you mean, you know?

Oh...

Previous flashback? Fake flashback.

Should we get real?

[in British accent]
Yeah, all right.

[in normal accent]
Had a jib-jab with the other guys.

[OCB] Three enemy forces,
three different goals, one common enemy.

Uh-oh! It's you!

So, simple plan, frustrate, divide,
draw out, and conquer.

Babies leave Baby Corp undefended,
we take it.

[in British accent]
And now, 'ello lovely!

The ol' place is ours.

Every square foot, every chupie.

[beeping]

Staci, come in! It's a trap!

Oh, yeah, we control
the baby monitors, too.

And now, final piece? We get you.

Kidnap Boss Baby, whole company collapses!

Ha-ha! Bank it!

[snarls, barks]

Ah!

[panting]

Whoa!

[grunts]

[screaming]

[grunting]

Welcome to Itty Bitty Cuties, man.

What'd they fire you for?

I wasn't fired. I escaped.

Baby Corp has fallen.

Harsh.

[closing theme music]

♪ Boss Baby ♪