02x03 - Evil Upheaval/Ay, Ay, A.I.

[bunniefuu]

And done.

Kevin's Pet-sitting
is now open for business.

"If it has fur, he'll be thurr?"

It rhymes almost.

Are you sure it's a good idea

to put up your phone number around
the entire neighborhood?

- Why wouldn't it be?
- [phone rings]

- Kevin's Pet-sitting?
- [people chatter indistinctly]

Yes, my refrigerator is running.

" I'd better go catch it"?

Oh, come on!
Whoever this is, grow up.

- [both laughing]
- He totally fell for it.

I'm so glad we got this burner phone.

Kevin, are you sure
you can run a small business?

Of course. I think I have the maturity
to handle this like an adult.

I'm gonna find out
where you live, buddy!

Oh! Yes, I am available
to watch your pets,

and that's why I'll find out
where you live so I can watch them.

What's your address?

- [chattering indistinctly]
- Great. I'll be right there.

Well, if you'll excuse me,
I just got my first customer.

Didn't he just put that flier up
ten seconds ago?

Hi, Mertha.

Gretel, Bailey, and oh, little Hamster.
What a little cutie!

[blows whistle]

I hope you girls have started
on your book reports.

They're due next week.

How do you know about that?

All knowledge flows through
the crossing guard.

Mertha, are you coming to my...

Your flute recital? Absolutely.

Here we are, girls.

[sighs softly] I'll miss you.

Why would you miss us?
We'll see you next week.

No. No, you won't.

The mayor's planning to replace me.

Replace you? No!

He signed a deal with some tech company

to put up these fancy new
"Don't walk" signs.

You can't leave.
You've always been our crossing guard.

[blows whistle]

- [blows whistle]
- [children laughing]

- [thunder rumbling]
- [blows whistle]

[gasps and sighs]

I'm not letting them get rid of you.

That is so sweet of you, Gretel.

But maybe I just don't
fit in with the times.

You know, the other day
I tried to buy a new Victrola

but the five-and-dime only had the ones
with moving pictures on them.

I didn't understand a word of that.

I'm going to the mayor,
and I'm gonna change his mind.

That's right.
They crossed the wrong crossing guard.

Let's go, Bailey.
We're gonna fight City Hall.

- [doorbell ringing]
- [door opens]

Hi. Kevin's Pet-sitting.

I'm Ivan. Come with me.

So, what am I looking after?
Dogs, cats, um...

- Goats?
- [bleating]

They were a wedding present
from my uncle in Scotland.

I'm not gonna watch goats.

Hey, it says on your flier
that if it has fur, "you'll be thurr."

[sighs wearily]
Why did it make a rhyming guarantee?

[Ivan] Not a good rhyme.

- Stop!
- Ooh! You've got to look out for that.

They love eating anything,
especially wires.

[gags]

Hey, my wallet.
Well, at least I can pay you now.

Guess I'm stuck with this.

But this shouldn't be too...
[imitating bleating] bad.

- [bleating]
- Wow! Tough herd.

Whoa, whoa, wait!
I have better material.

Where are you going?

Mr. Mayor, we need to speak with you.

Oh, no. You discovered
that toxic waste dump

under the playground, haven't you?

Ah! I knew this day would come.

What toxic waste dump
beneath the playground?

Nothing. There's no toxic waste dump
beneath the playground.

The dirt is perfectly safe to eat.

But please don't.

We're here about Mertha,
the crossing guard.

We heard you're replacing her.

You can't do that.

Mertha provides friendly service

and always goes above and beyond.

Ah, crossing guards have gone the way
of the elevator operator.

Elevator operator?

The patient is prepped, Doctor.

Let's open it up.

[ECG flatlines]

Were you thinking of doctors
operating on an elevator?

Um... No.

Anyhoo, let me present to you,
the future.

This is Ace.
Automated Crossing Electroniguard,

guaranteed to make sure
every pedestrian crosses safely.

And it's just as friendly as Mertha.

Greetings.

Do you need help crossing the street?

We're inside.

I know that. I was just being polite.

It's actually not polite
to say, "I was just being polite."

- It's pretty rude.
- I'm sorry.

You see? It apologized.

I bet you Mertha could cross
more people than Ace.

I challenge Ace to a cross-off.

Whoever crosses
more people safely stays.

Yes, a cross-off.

That might just distract the voters

from that toxic waste dump
under the playground.

- What?
- Nothing.

I'll see you at the cross-off,

and when I win,
I can "cross" that off my list.

[laughs]

Tough room.

[bleating]

[panting] Please... Please stop.

It's getting really late.

At least I think it is.
I lost my watch.

[gags]

Ew! Wait a minute.

- One of you is missing!
- [bleating]

[♪ dramatic music playing]

Oh, no! Bad goat!

Hey, fella! Come back!

No, no, no! Don't climb any higher!

Come here, fella. Here, boy.

[bleating]

Hey, uh... kid.

Little goat. [yelps]

- [rumbling]
- [bleating]

[Kevin grunting]

[♪ pleasant music playing]

Oh, I got you.

♪ He's the GOAT herder of goats ♪

♪ The greatest of all time ♪

♪ Abbreviate that to GOAT ♪

♪ He would get all our votes ♪

♪ The GOAT herder of goats ♪

[Kevin] I'm the GOAT of goats!

Thank you all for coming
to our first ever cross-off

which will settle
the age-old question of who is better,

a state-of-the-art machine
or a senior citizen?

I don't know about this, girls.

You can do it, Mertha!

On your mark, get set, cross!

I see you're still working
on your dribble, Benny.

Yeah. I want to go pro one day.

You're definitely gonna go pro
the way you play offense.

That's what I keep thinking
every time I see him

fight through the pick-and-roll.

- Move! Eyes forward! Step lively!
- [groans softly]

[dinging]

- Come on, Mertha!
- You can do it!

What a beautiful cake.

I took your advice, and I tried
a little coconut. It's delicious.

Coworker will definitely
fall in love with you now.

So how long you been
a crossing guard?

Less crosstalk, more crosswalk.

[dinging]

Then after the spray bottle,
I close with the spinning bowtie.

Spinning bowtie is played out.

Always end your show
with juggling. Kids love juggling.

- [bell dinging]
- Well, I think I can call it there.

Our final score is Mertha, 56, Ace...

Wow, the counter stops at 999.

Oh, no! I mean, I'm not shocked,
but it's still disappointing.

[clapping]

Now we can go and turn on
the ACEs throughout the city.

[machinery trilling]

I'm so sorry, Mertha.
I failed you.

Ace is just too fast.

But that's okay, Gretel.

I was getting tired of being

- a crossing guard anyway.
- Really?

No, it was my entire life.

And all that's left to do
is cross the street

and hand Mertha her retirement papers.

- I cannot let you do that, Mayor.
- Huh?

My prime directive
is to keep pedestrians safe.

However, during the competition,
there were 25 jaywalkers,

eighteen no-lookers
and 14 mind-changers.

Humanity is incapable
of safely crossing the streets,

and so I must stop them
from crossing... forever.

- [people yelping]
- [gasping]

[tires screeching]

Why do they have legs?

It was a free upgrade.

The "Don't Walk" signs can walk?

[people screaming]

[people screaming]

[yelping]

Hey! Leave those pedestrians alone!

They're my pedestrians now.

Automated Crossing
Electroniguard punch!

Ahhh!

Wait. They can repair themselves?

I got the deluxe package!

[thudding]

Let's get you folks to safety.

I drop my phone three feet
and it's destroyed forever.

But these guys just pop back up.

We need Kevin.

Come, gentle goat friends.

Yes, follow your herder.

- [bleating]
- [cell phone vibrating]

Where's my phone?

[cell phone vibrating]

- [Gretel] Can you hear me?
- Hey, Gretel.

Our crossing guard
was gonna be replaced

by artificially intelligent
"Don't walk" signs.

We convinced the mayor to hold
a cross-walking contest,

but the "Don't Walk" sign
is trying to enslave humanity.

What? I just saw you like two hours ago.

It's been a day.

I'm on my way!

This way. Don't rush.

Mind the deadly robots.

Well, I'm out of ideas.

- [Kevin] Gretel!
- Kevin!

What's with the goats?

It's been a day!

Look out!

- The wires pull them back together.
- [electricity crackling]

Wait! That's it!

Gretel, Hamster,
hit the robots towards the goats.

It's working.

It's lights out for you, Ace.

[dinging]

Wow, it does go over 1,000.

Mertha wins.

No, I am the ultimate crossing guard.
How could I lose?

You're missing the human touch.

Speaking of...

I'll be back! [voice fading]

Thank you, Hamster,
Gretel, and Mertha!

You saved the day.

[crowd chanting]
Mertha! Mertha! Mertha!

- Thanks, Kevin.
- Yeah, no problem.

So how's business?

[sighing] It's good,
but I think I'm gonna find another gig.

These guys are kind of a lot.

But now, I must leave you.

Come, goats.

[bleating]

[cell phone vibrating]

Which one of you has my phone?

Hello? Hello?

[♪ theme music playing]

♪ Hamster and Gretel ♪

♪ It's Hamster ♪

♪ Hamster and Gretel ♪