01x04 - Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

Excuse me?

And how long have you had your
account with us now, Mrs Pikoulis?

'Darling, I haven't the foggiest.

'I can barely remember who
came over for dinner last night.'

Ooh, big night on the bevvies,
was it?

One or two.

So, what do you think, Ruby?
Can I get that offer?

Oh, mate, I'd love to,
but that offer's expired now

and they won't even let me
put the code in the system.

Never mind. Chalk it up
to one of life's regrets.

I bet you've got
a few of those too, eh, Ruby?

God, loads.

'Dave Badrock once fingered me on
the ghost train at Weston-super-Mare

'and I never got his number.'

'Regret's a fool's game. We must
look to the future, dear girl.'

You're absolutely right,
Mrs Pikoulis. Take care now.

Well, that was... Horrible.

But thanks to our
consumer research volunteer...

Are you OK, Mrs Pikoulis?
Can you hear me?

'Loud and clear.'
Good.

...we get to see how a chatbot
might handle that better.

Hellocom, keeping you connected.

Susan speaking. How may I help you,
Mrs "Parcoolees"?

'I was wondering if I can get
the Maxi Mayhem offer

'I saw on the television?'

I am sorry, but Maxi Mayhem
is no longer available.

'Oh, never mind. Chalk it up
to one of life's regrets.

'Bet you've got a few of those too,
eh, Susan?'

SUSAN GLITCHES

Before you go, Mrs "Pickyooless",
switch to "Hellcom" Mobile

and you can get our Bonkers Bundle
offer for just £19.99 a month.

Minimum period of 28 months
with a guaranteed contract.

Early exit from the contract
may incur fines from the provider.

You may lose your home
if you don't keep up with payments.

'Oh, OK.
Will I have to change numbers?'

No way, "Josie".
Mrs Pikoulis, with Hellocom,

we do the hard work for you,
Mrs Pikoulis.

'I was wondering if...'
CALL CUTS OFF

How good was that?
Well, yeah, it was OK, but...

Answered the query: Tick.
Made a connection: Tick.

Didn't need
an unscheduled poo break:

Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.

It'll be interesting to see... Tick.

It will be interesting to see
the customer feedback too,

when that comes in.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, that, babes.

But, um... I think we all know who
won that round. Tell him, Susan.

Chatbots one, humans zero.

Ha! That's cos he likes
football, right?

One-ni... Oh, no, nil is football.
OK. Oh, Susan...

Where's Ruby?
Poo break.

Of course she is.

ALL RESUME CALLS

RAP MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY

You all right, Craig?

Craig.
Oh!

Sorry, bruv. God. Forget me name's
Craig sometimes, innit?

It's literally written
on your name badge, mate.

It's just, like,
my rapping is, like,

blowing up on the socials right now.

Name on the streets is Crankz now. Believe.

That is great. You know, I actually
have choir practice in a bit,

so I'm just gonna head off.
Yeah, only I...

What is it... Crankz?
Nice one.

Sounds well lit
coming from a lawyer man like you.

But, yeah, I'm not doing that well.
With the galdem.

One galdem in particular, innit. Melons.

HE COUGHS
How did you know that?

Probably because you go bright red
whenever she comes into the room.

Nah, nah, it's cos you've got,
like, a legal mind, innit?

For real, I've seen all them
big-a*s legal books on your desk.

There is nothing in those books
about talking to girls,

and let's be honest, if there were,
I'd probably skip those chapters.

Cos you're h*m*.
Best believe, Crankz.

Seriously, though, what should I do?
Just ask her out.

Big man like you must have
asked girls out before.

What do you normally say?
Normally, I'd just be like...

I'd just be like...

Wagwan, sweet one.
Can I get your Snap still?

Does that work for you? Normally?

No.
No.

No, it doesn't, bruv. There was
this one time in year eight, though,

I let Mikecia Bennett suck my Froob
and she gave me her number, so...

Please don't tell me
"Froob" is a euphemism.

A what? It's a yoghurt, fam, with
a little fruit guy on the front.

Yeah, I know.
I thought you was clever.

Just talk to her. Go on.

Oi, Melons.

Give me your Snap and we can do,
like, Nando's or something.

No.

Aw, mate. Er...
HE PANTS

Bruv!
Chin up.

Hey, hey, the Crankz I know
would never give up that easily.

For real. Yeah.

For real.

DISCORDANT HUMMING

"Mm, ah", not "mm, arh". All right.

DISCORDANT HUMMING

Er... Can we help you?

Oh, my God,
this can really make you LOL

cos right now this is
really making me LOL.

I heard you all from outside and
I literally went and got a defib!

SHE LAUGHS

You literally didn't do that, so...
It's like I sort of thought

that someone might have been
having a seizure, or, you know,

choking on a bit of edamame,
that type of thing.

SHE LAUGHS
OK, OK, we get it.

But we've only got two weeks to go
before ChoirFest South West, so...

Two weeks.

Do you have to do it, Ruby?

Yes, because Vicki is making me.
And we wanna do it.

And that, too.
You know you sound awful, though.

But this is a warmup.
Oh, it's a warmup.

Oh, you're warming up. Yes.

Ah.
Thank you.

Amazing.
OK, so let's go back to the...

You gonna join us?
No. No, don't mind me, though.

OK. After three. Nice and easy.

One, two, three...

Actually, the acoustics aren't
great in here anyway, so...

That's definitely the problem

Let's go somewhere else,
like the canteen.

There's bad energy in here anyway.
Yeah, Ruby, why don't you just

stick a sign on the door
so people don't think

that there's a cow and labour
in this room, you know?

Or a dog with its little paw
stuck in a car door.

You don't want people thinking...
OK, we get it.

OK. Bye, b*tches. Yes.

Costa's slices
are absolutely minging.

You know what I'm talking about, right?

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
Can I help you, please, madam?

I said you can't have my Snap.
I know that. Are you gassing me?

No, I said you can't have my Snap
because I don't have Snapchat.

Oh.
But you could ask me

to go on a tea break later,
if you want.

Man don't drink tea. Fine.

Well baffled.

All I'm saying is if you want me
to sleep with one of the judges,

I'm here for that.
Just give me a name.

I'm hoping won't come to that,
but I'll bear it in mind.

♪ I want to make you understand

♪ Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down...

♪ Never gonna run around
And desert you

♪ Never gonna make you cry
Ooh-hoo

♪ Say goodbye

♪ Never gonna tell a lie... ♪

Bloody hell.
Weston Windows.

Please don't say they're entering
ChoirFest South West.

What the hell, you guys?

We're trying to rehearse
for ChoirFest South West!

sh*t.
Sorry, we just thought...

Hello? Dummkopf.

Is it not obvious that we're
in the middle of something here?

How are we meant to perfect
our a cappella

when people let you keep barging in
and breaking our flow?

It is lunchtime
and this is the canteen.

Sounds like a you problem.

Now, if you don't mind,
whoever you are,

we've got a triple vocal harmony
to perfect. OK?

A what?
Let's go again, people.

And, Dominic, if you don't bring me
your full mezzosoprano,

I will have you replaced like that.

You understand, Dominic? Like that.

THEY HARMONISE

Let's not be intimidated. We know
we've got a lot of work to do,

but if we just keep practising...
Look, let's pivot. All right?

Same game plan but now we shag
the Windows woman. She's a threat.

Have you no shame, Tom?
Not a lot, no.

But trust me, this is how it goes.

I shag her, she falls wildly in
love with me, then we love-b*mb her.

Classy.
You might need to fund

a trip up to the Cotswolds.
But long story short,

she gets a broken heart,
never sings again,

and we win ChoirFest South West. Bosh.

I never knew
winning meant so much to you.

Couldn't give a sh*t, son.
But I'm a solutions man.

Let's just meet back here after work
and give it another run-through, OK?

Trust me, it's gonna be fine.

I'm screwed, aren't I?

All right! All right.

No need to keep going on about it.

Vicki?
Can I speak to you a moment?

I'm sorry,
Vicki's not here right now.

Who said that?
My name is Susan.

How can I help you?
Ooh, Susan, you're a bit cool.

Thank you, first name of customer.
You like a sort of Alexa, then?

My mum's got one of those. She talks
to it more than she talks to my dad.

How can I help you,
first... name of customer?

Er, Susan, do a fart.

No.
All right.

Um, Susan, can I get sacked
if I ditch the choir

cos we sound bloody awful?

One moment, please, first name of
customer. I'm getting your answer.

Ruby, what the hell
are you doing in here?

I've just come in
to talk to Vicki about the choir.

Well, wait at your desk
until she gets back.

OK.
Come on. Ruby, come on, get out.

And stay out!
SHE GIGGLES

Look, I'm just saying,

there's a lot going on here
at the moment, Ruby, OK? Like what?

I'm just saying, look,
if you want to keep your job,

please, will you just keep your head
down and stay out of trouble?

I wasn't doing anything. I was just
talking to the... Susan thing.

Yes, but pretty soon,
if Vicki gets her way,

we're all gonna be
talking Susans. OK?

So please, Ruby,
will you just go? Go, please.

Off you go, thank you very much.

That's for you.
I made one for everyone in choir.

Are you serious?

If I got your measurements wrong,
you'll have to suck it up

cos those sequins are an absolute
bugger to run through the machine.

This bloody choir.

Yep, that's no problem.

If you just want to remove
the bottom person on your list.

OK, can I just pop you on hold
a minute?

Er, so, you don't do Snap?

I don't.
Man don't do tea.

OK.
So, do you like Rubicon?

Which flavour?
Up to you.

Mango.
I knew it, that is well good.

Er... I'll, er...
I'll see you later, then.

OK.
For a drink.

THAT drink,
so don't drink it yet.

No, I... I got it. Yeah.

Hello, Hellocom, keeping
you connected. Ruby speaking.

Can I take a name, please?
'Oh, you want my name? Sure.

'The name's God.'
God?

'Yeah, that's right. God.'

Um, how are you spelling that?
'Really? You want me to spell God?

'Fine, um, G-O-D, as in, um...
Well, as in "God".'

Can I get your post code, please?

'Yeah, I don't really have
one of those.

'Put down HEAVEN1 or PEARLY GATES.
Whatever you think.'

I'm sorry, sir,
but if you're not gonna be serious,

I will terminate the call.

'That's it, you walk away,
throw the towel in

'just like you always do.'

Sorry?
'You heard me, Ruby. Quitter.'

Ah, sorry, what?!
Hello? Hello?!

Oi! What's wrong with your face?

Don't you mean, "Are you OK, Ruby?"
That's what I said.

I know this is mad,

but I was just chatting to a guy
who said he was God.

Probably just someone
dicking around.

You know when you, like,
get a really clear mental image

of who you're talking to?
No.

Yes, you do.
Like when you hear their voice

and you can see them
in your mind's eye.

No, nobody does that.
Literally no-one.

No.

Well, I do.
But then, with God, nothing.

Ruby, were you looking for me?

Cos I've got a musk pocket now
if you want.

Did you just say
you've got a musk pocket?

Yeah, babes.
Like what Elon Musk does,

he breaks his day into little
five-minute pockets of time.

And you two clearly have
a lot in common.

You're not the first to notice,

although some days, I'd rather be
trying to get a rocket to Mars

than managing
this branch of Hellocom,

with a teenage daughter with
authority issues,

you know what I'm saying, babes?

Is this her? She's really pretty.
It's an old photo.

The pocket's already started, babes.
Sit down.

What can I do for you?

Well, is anything gonna happen

if we do really badly
at ChoirFest South West?

Before I answer that question,
can I pose you another?

Pose away.

Are you aware of the prophet and
philosopher Matthew McConaughey?

I am aware of the Magic Mike actor
Matthew McConaughey.

The self same.

Now, in the teachings
of McConaughey,

we learn that sometimes,
which choice you make

is not as important as making
a choice and committing to it.

Oh, that's actually quite good.
Isn't it?

The man's a genius
as far as I'm concerned.

So, now you know that...

what do you intend to do?

I'm not gonna give up the choir.

That's the spirit, cowboy!

Mainly because I don't know
if I mentioned it - I did -

but I'm doing a talk.
A wellbeing talk.

About the importance
of workplace wellness.

So, you know, no phoning in sick
that day, babes.

THEY LAUGH
Don't.

I won't. I'm gonna do us proud,
Vicki. Well, proudish.

Cos I don't care what God says,
I'm no quitter!

Well, I am,
but I don't want to be any more.

I'm gonna have my own McConaissance.

A "McConaughey-sance".
Oh, yeah, that too.

ChoirFest South West, here we come!
Boom.

Can we have 15 minutes' extra break?

All right, all right,
all right, all right.

ALL HUMMING
♪ Here! ♪

CHEERING

We've got our capes on.

It's time for choir practice.
Let's go.

♪ What you know about
Livin' on the top?

♪ Penthouse suites
Lookin' down on the opps

♪ Took him for a test drive
Left him on the lot

♪ Time is money
So I spent it on a watch

♪ Hold on, lil' bitties
Showin' through the white tee

♪ You can see the thong
Bussin' out my tight jeans

♪ Rocks on my fingers
Like he wanna wife me... ♪

♪ Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you done... ♪

Why are you still here?
Why?

I'll tell you why, shall I,
Hilda Hellocom?

We're still here because we are
gonna be the best workplace choir

in the whole of
the South West region,

including the Dyson Head Office
in Malmesbury.

We're still here
because we have the work ethic.

And we're still here because Dominic
can't get control of his vibrato

in the middle eight!

Well, Wendy Windows,
your time is up.

Cos whether you like it or not,
we've got to rehearse.

Ready?
♪ Weeeee... ♪

THEY JOIN IN

Is that meant to intimidate us?
SHE LAUGHS

Oh, I shouldn't laugh.
Save that for the competition.

You're gonna bring the house down.

♪ We're going to beat you

♪ You don't stand a chance in hell

♪ We're going to beat you

♪ You don't stand a chance in hell

♪ We're going to beat... ♪
BOTH HOLD HIGH NOTE

Fine!

Have the room. You clearly need
the practice more than we do.

Let's go, guys. LAUGHTER

Hurry up, Dominic!

Yes!

Hey, any more chats
with God today, then?

No, none.

I did, he called me back
after lunch.

I told you, I bloody told you.

Yeah, except for
he's not really God.

He's a bloke called Fabio
who lives in Harrogate.

Yeah, but how did he know my name?
Answer me that.

Because you start every call
by saying, "Ruby speaking".

Hmm.
Maybe.

OK.

If it's spiritual awakening
you're after,

my offer of a drink still stands.

Tell you what, you can buy me
a pint of Thatchers

and then we'll see what happens.
No promises.

Melons, coming to the pub?
No, I'm not,

and don't ask me any more questions!
Mm! Let's go.

Vicki, I got the feedback
from the customer trials.

Ooh, good, I've been looking forward
to this.

I think you might wanna look
at this one.

Mrs Pikoulis. Sounds like
the general consensus.

"I found the chatbot creepy.

"Used my name too many times,

"felt uncomfortable knowing
I was talking to a robot."

Inconclusive, then.

It goes on.

"Ruby was more engaging,

"and I trusted that she was
looking out for my best interests,

"not just trying to get my money."

Looks like it's humans one,
chatbots zero.

Sorry about that, Susan.
Shh!

Another advantage to the "chatbok",

is that they have additional
features like office security.

Playback, Susan.

MARK, RECORDED: 'Just saying that
if you want to keep your job,

'please will you just keep your head
down and stay out of trouble?'

'I wasn't doing anything,
I was just talking to Susan.'

'Yes, but pretty soon,
if Vicki gets her way,

'we're all gonna be talking Susans.'

Seems to me
it's game, set and match.

SHE CHUCKLES

Looks at him and says, "Changing
lanes, are we are? Fair play."

Oh-h*-h*,
sounds like my kind of girl.

Mind if I have a quick word?
In private.

What do you want?

You really are a gobby cow,
aren't you?

And? Tell me something I don't know.
I bloody love it.

Mm, OK.
Here, take this. There's my card.

Call me - Weston Windows
could do with more people like you.

Let's go, Dominic. We're late
picking the kids up from your mum.

Are you and Dominic together?

Oh, yeah.
Pure animal, sexual chemistry

between us, always has been.

Dominic, stop picking that!
Let's go.

What did she want?
Nothing much.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Safe.
Safe.