[sander buzzing]
[faint choral music]
[choral music swells]
[Congregation]
Hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done on
earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day
our daily bread-
[soft atmospheric music]
[pen scribbling]
[bell tolling]
And deliver us from evil,
for thine is the
kingdom of our Lord,
forever and ever.
[music intensifying]
Amen.
[Christof] God is dead.
God remains dead,
and we k*lled him.
And you thought you
hadn't accomplished
anything in your little life,
but hey, you k*lled God.
You can put that on your
resume.
What sacred games must we
invent to make up for it?
What festivals of
atonement do we have left?
There used to be a code.
Not the toothless code of
bros, but of gentlemen.
And this one time, and
that's our story here today,
this one time, there
was a group of boys,
excuse me, young men,
who tried to invoke it.
Anyways.
[flames whooshing]
This is "The Duel".
[dramatic mysterious music]
[soft pensive music]
[waves crashing]
[gulls calling]
[crow cawing]
[truck beeping]
[runner pants]
[exciting dramatic music]
[horns blaring]
[police sirens beep]
[helicopter blades whirring]
[engine revving]
[people shouting]
[choir singing in
foreign language]
[flames whooshing]
[exciting dramatic
music continues]
I'm gonna k*ll him.
[dramatic music swells]
[cheerful tiki music]
[people chatting]
[flames whoosh]
[patrons gasp]
[Sam sighs]
It's f*cking-
[blows out candle]
This tiki bar is supposed to be
my place of refinement
and relaxation.
I am not the one who
planned this conversation
in this stupid f*cking place-
- Okay.
- You did.
What is wrong with this place?
It's a rainforest
cafe for adults.
Tell me what happened
[sighing] Uh, we
started by texting.
You started?
Who first?
- Me first.
How did you even
get her number?
Group chat.
Jesus.
Colin, that is despicable.
I know.
When did it start?
We started texting
after that party
where she wore the blue dress.
The what?
Are you a f*cking psychopath?
What?
You don't remember?
What Abbie wore?
No.
No, I don't.
Because I'm not
Jeffrey f*cking Dahmer.
Was I even there?
Yes, you were
f*cking there, Sam.
You won the beer pong games
back to back to back to back.
Okay.
And that's what you
thought I would remember?
What Abbie wore?
But you know, people still do
talk about that win streak.
You still talk about it.
Wait, that party.
That party was, what?
Three months ago?
Yes.
Okay, so y'all
started talking,
and then y'all started f*cking?
[Colin] Yes.
Three months ago?
- Yes!
- Oh my f*cking, this is bad.
This is really f*cking bad.
Sam, what-what can I do?
[Sam] I don't know.
[Colin] What is
going to happen?
I don't know, Colin.
But you cannot just ignore this
like you do everything else.
Something has to be done.
[cellphone chiming]
Ah, right on cue.
We got the address.
We gotta go.
Go where?
[Sam] San Diego.
- San Diego?
- Mm-hmm.
That's where Woody's headed,
and that is where we need to go.
Why? Why?
I mean, I don't know.
Maybe because you f*cked his
girlfriend, or something.
[cigarette burning]
[solemn music plays on radio]
Where are we going?
That's a great question, Kev.
It's a, it's a great
f*cking question.
I, uh, [chuckles]
I usually have an idea
where I'm headed, because I
usually know where I've been,
because, because your past,
your history, your history.
Kev, it's what keeps
you anchored to reality,
and unlike the future, the
past is known, it's certain.
It's safe.
It's why you don't ever
expect it to lunge forward
and-and stab you in
the f*cking back!
And when you find
this sh*t out, Kev,
this sh*t, this
sh*t, that the past
isn't what you thought it was,
when you find that out,
Kev, that you don't know,
you have no idea,
what was happening,
what is happening,
what's going to happen,
then where are you, Kev?
I'll tell you where you are.
You're in the void.
You and me, buddy.
We're in a car, and we're
hurtlin' towards a void,
and everybody knows
that's where we're headed,
because it's where we came from!
f*cking nothingness, man!
We're all gonna f*cking die.
You ever think about that, Kev?
Well, not that exactly,
but I do think about
life sometimes,
but it just makes me sad.
So I just stop and think
about baseball, or something.
I don't know.
[cars whooshing]
What I need to
understand right now
is out of all the
girls in the world
who throw themselves
at you, why her?
Did they text you back yet?
No, they didn't.
As a matter of fact,
look at my lock screen.
Tell me what you see?
[Colin] What?
What do you see
staring back at you?
- The four of us.
- The four of us.
And how do we look
in this picture?
[Colin] Fulfilled.
And how do we look now?
Unfulfilled.
That's because you k*lled it.
Okay? It's dead now.
I might as well change
this to a picture
of-of Godzilla,
or some little cat
or something like that.
- You don't have to change it.
Yes, I do.
And I need to change
our friend group name
to-to the Dead Group
now, because of you.
It's not dead.
It is dead!
And you k*lled it.
Ain't gonna be no
more poker nights.
Ain't gonna be no more karaoke.
Ain't gonna be no more
wiffle ball tournaments
in the summer.
Ain't gonna be no more
Chili's, and you know how much
I love the smokehouse combo.
[urine trickling]
[crickets chirping]
I love you, but
this is stupid.
This is how gentlemen
settle their differences, Kev.
Dueling?
I guess I could have
hit him with my car.
It just felt childish.
This is cleaner, and
I want him to know
I'm the bigger man
when I k*ll him.
What if Colin
doesn't wanna do it?
Well he has to, 'cause you
can't just say no to a duel.
Why not?
I would.
It's dishonorable, that's why.
- It's stupid.
- It's not stupid.
It is, and I wouldn't do it.
Well he will.
Colin will.
Why?
Because he's my best friend,
and he owes me that much.
One of.
- Are you-
- One of my best friends.
- Yeah.
- One of them.
- Yeah, sure.
- I didn't mean it like that.
- He's your best friend.
- One of my best-
- Fine, yeah.
That's all good.
Loud and clear, heard you.
I can have two best friends.
[Kevin] No you can't.
[bell dinging]
All right, so I looked it up.
It's an antique store.
I don't know
what color I want.
This store
specializes in dueling.
Like, none of
this is even juice.
Why try to invoke familiarity
with a substance that it isn't?
Dude, it says that
this place is like
the emporium of dueling.
What?
The art of gentlemanly combat
from a time immemorial
stored forever
just outside of sunny San Diego.
f*cking basically just
picking between purple and blue.
Colin?
Are you hearing me?
Yes.
I think he wants to duel you.
What are you saying?
He hasn't even been
in a bar fight.
So if Woody f*cked
the love of your life,
what, would you just
wanna talk it out?
Well I wouldn't
wanna fight me.
Well, he doesn't
wanna fight you.
He wants to duel you.
Dude, what does
that even mean?
You don't just go
around dueling people.
It's f*cking ill*gal.
Well, according to Google,
it's an arranged
engagement in combat
between two people and or idiots
with matched weapons
in accordance
with prearranged rules.
Wow, wow.
Yes, thank you for the
dictionary definition of it.
What do you think is
actually going to happen?
Well, Colin, I don't know.
But I think we got
more to worry about
than what blue juice
you decide to get today.
It's not juice.
[engine starting]
It's not even f*cking
close to juice.
It is watery juice.
It's not juice at all.
Just sit back and shut up
[engine revving]
[ominous theatrical music]
Well, there they are.
[lighter flicking]
[cigarette burns]
Okay.
Before we go through
with whatever this is,
I have to tell you something.
All right, what's up?
[soft music]
I'm in love with her.
Yeah, and I love carrot cake.
What?
I just thought we
were saying things
that were useless.
Seriously.
Now let's go figure
out how we die, Romeo.
[soft tense music]
[crickets chirping]
[dramatic foreboding music]
[Kevin] What's up?
Clearly nothing good.
[Kevin] What happens
now?
[Sam] Well I think
this is the part
with the axe m*rder.
[Kevin] He doesn't
have an axe, dumbass.
[Sam] Is this place even
open?
[Kevin] Yeah, Wood
said the guy's fired up.
[Sam] About what?
[Kevin] The duel, dude.
Colin.
Woody.
Let's, uh, let's step inside.
There's somebody we should meet.
Okay, Woody.
What is this?
Why don't we take
a walk, you and me-
f*ck you. f*ck your walk.
You couldn't find anything
that made you happy
you didn't have to take
from someone that loved you?
[Colin] Okay, I should've
started by saying I'm sorry.
Oh, you're sorry?
I've never been more sorry.
You can't undo what you did.
And neither can I.
And what did you do?
I always thought that
everything on earth
could be as f*cking
sordid as it wanted to be,
because I understood
my little part in it.
Guess it was all a lie, huh Sam?
[Colin] It's not
all a lie, dude.
It's just crazy to
me how much of life
is relearning that
Santa Claus isn't real.
But you took everything
that you and I were
and everything that
Abbie and I were-
What the f*ck did you do?
And you set in fire-
What the f*ck
did you do, Woody?
[Woody] You set it on
fire!
[punch landing]
[Woody grunts]
- No, god!
- Woody!
- What are you doing?
- He burned my dad's board!
He did what?
You know what
that means to me!
[Sam] Wait, wait, wait!
Whoa, wait!
Stop it, you piece of sh*t!
- You burned it!
- Stop!
[Colin] Why'd you
have to do that?
[all shouting]
Come on, stop!
[Woody] Still not
worse than everything
you f*cking did!
- Hey, hey, hey!
[Woody] You know
what the f*ck you did!
[metal clanging]
[all shouting]
[soft tense music]
Excuse me, gentlemen.
May I ask you what it is
you think you are doing?
We, uh, we were just...
Well it appears
that you're brawling
on my property, which
is ill*gal, and rude.
- We weren't brawling, we-
- You were brawling.
You were kinda
brawling, Woods.
That's rude.
Woody.
That's me, yeah.
This is not what we discussed.
I invite you all to
vacate the premises
before I call the authorities.
Perfect.
That is our cue.
- No.
[Sam] Let's go.
We want to do it.
[Kevin] Woody, no.
[Sam] Come on, let's just
go.
You said that you wanted
to handle your differences
with Colin like gentlemen,
that you would both
rise to the challenge.
Dueling is meant to
silence the animal
in men's hearts, not let it out.
We want to, we
just don't know how.
Both of you?
[soft dramatic music]
[soft tense music]
Welcome to Burrow's
Little Shop of Horrors.
I really am excited
that you made the trip,
well, I suppose now
it's just begun,
so I thought it best to set
the mood accurately for,
there's no one else
there who is aware
of your whereabouts right now?
[soft country music playing]
Woody, you said that you
were, uh, challenging Colin
to a duel.
Has that challenge been given?
Has it been witnessed?
I challenge you to a-
No, wait!
You slap him in
the face with this.
What?
And you say, "I
challenge you to meet me
"on the field of honor."
Woody.
Don't you slap me with that-
[slap lands]
I challenge you to meet
me on the field of honor.
[Colin sighs]
You don't want this.
I know exactly what I want.
Now Colin, you must accept
or deny this challenge
here in front of your peers.
I'm just as
likely to get hurt.
Fine.
I accept.
Challenge accepted. [laughing]
Well, okay.
Okay, we must allow
the challenged
to choose a specific
style of combat.
Maybe you guys should
talk to Abbie or something.
Abbie knows
nothing about this.
Yeah, well maybe she should.
f*ck Abbie.
All right, so what
I have before me
is a pair of Prussian
made dueling pistols.
We also have a pair
of Italian rapiers,
and, of course, the two sabers
for the more-[sword sliding]
[sword clattering]
Oh, Jesus Christ.
These tools have but one,
they have but one purpose,
to allow men, such as the
two that we have here today,
to free themselves from shame
and accusations of avarice.
Uh, Christof?
[Christof] Mm?
First of all,
I-I love the place.
Love the decor.
But what is your deal, man?
Like, you just sit around
here waiting for duelists?
We do most of our
business with collectors.
Dueling is a niche
market nowadays.
Okay, well that checks out.
What I'm trying to figure out
is who buys this sh*t?
[Colin] Woody does.
In theory, this
should be just between
the two gentlemen here.
As for you two, you
both are our seconds,
which means that each of
you is your counterpart's
close friend and advisor.
It also means that
the two of you
have to find our field of honor,
which in San Diego,
I can assure you,
it won't be easy.
We need a place that
aesthetically lives up
to the occasion, but at
the same time is secluded,
because god forbid
someone is injured or...
We shall want to avoid the
ever watchful eye of the law.
Okay, so not the parking lot?
Obviously not.
I think I know what he means.
You think you
know what he means?
What the f*ck did he mean?
I don't know, Sam.
I don't have any plan, okay?
I just wanted to
get us out of there
because Woody's so wrecked
by this whole thing,
because Colin f*cked
his girlfriend!
Right, and it was
a good idea for Woody
to burn his dad's board?
Are you serious?
Sam, like that's the
same thing, honestly?
I honestly think
it's worse, bro.
Did you have something
to do with that?
Did-did you know?
Did you know he f*cked Abbie?
I need to know.
- Kevin.
Tell me.
Did I know?
You told me!
Okay, good.
Good.
- All right, cool.
Don't know why
you yelling at me.
[elevator humming]
[gears cranking]
Bushido Code, the Magna Carta,
the United States Constitution,
the Constitution again,
"Wealth of Nations,"
another Constitution.
I ought to read
the Constitution.
Ah, here we go.
"Code Duelo."
"Rules of Dueling."
Now Colin, before you choose
a specific style of combat,
[clears throat]
first we have to see
if we can resolve these
offenses peacefully
by the book, of course,
"in the case of witchcraft
and or sorcery",
noo, uh, this is
a first edition.
Here we are, rule one.
"In order to secure honorable
resolution as gentlemen,
the first offender is required
to make the first apology."
Rule two, "if no apology is
made, the duel must take place."
Rule three,"if it is unclear
who made first offense,
the seconds shall decide."
Well.
- That's it?
- Yes.
Colin just has to apologize.
He slept with my girlfriend
and he sucker
punched me outside.
You're forgetting
one little detail.
Like destroying the last
thing my father ever made.
After you slept with Abbie.
Uh.
I see, there goes apologies.
Let me cite rule five.
"A physical blow is
strictly prohibited
under any circumstances
among gentlemen.
No verbal apology can be
given for such an insult."
The alternatives,
therefore, are the offender,
that would be you,
Colin, must hand a cane,
uh, this, to injured
party, Woody,
and you, Colin, must
get on your knees,
beg Woody for a pardon,
while Woody strikes you
repeatedly on the back.
In this case, the duel
may be called off,
and there is no need for
us to select weapons."
[slams book]
[cane clinking]
So he got her number
from the group chat?
[Sam] Yeah, that's
what we just said.
[Kevin] Yep.
Wow!
That's more than enough
to make a man lose his appetite.
[Sam] Mm-hmm.
What are your names?
Oh, I'm Sam.
This is Kevin.
- Sam!
Ah.
Kevin.
Kevin, I'm Joey.
Joey.
I like that name.
Joey.
So what are you doing here?
Man honestly, we
are just stalling.
We're just trying to
figure something out.
Or until they calm down.
Calm down?
Joey, I like you, man.
What you getting into tonight?
Oh, both of 'em?
You never know.
[Sam] You look like a
man who likes to party
What?
He's a cool dude.
[Joey] Hmm.
I don't know what that
means, but I'm with it.
[Kevin] No you're not.
- Yes we are.
- No we're not.
- Come on.
- That's cocaine.
- This means cocaine?
- Yep.
- Oh.
- Yeah, no.
- We doing it.
- No.
- We like that.
- No.
- Oh yeah.
- Stop doing that.
Don't do that.
- Come on, Kevin.
- No.
- Yes.
- No.
- Yes.
- Okay.
- Yes!
[g*nshots firing]
[soft music]
That almost never happens.
You are a veritable marksman.
[Colin] Pistols.
[Christof] Pistols.
I choose pistols.
Fine.
Good choice.
These pistols are almost
as old as this republic,
a time when things
were built to last.
Nothing, and I repeat
this, nothing that you have
ever done compares to
what now lies before you.
[snorting cocaine]
Joey, thank you, man.
We are a long way from LA.
Now, come on.
I don't want to do cocaine
on my own at Peppy Grills.
That will be f*cking sad, right?
This night is getting
out of hand, huh?
So this duel, it's
going to happen,
but you guys have to
find a field of honor?
It's not gonna happen.
What do you mean, it's
not going to happen?
Something has to happen.
Right, right, right.
Something has got to happen
or else what we doing?
We just doing coke in a
Peppy's Grill bathroom
for no reason?
Our food's gonna
be out by now.
I don't know anything
about food right now.
Okay, we need to brainstorm.
Jesus Christ, Sam.
Like a real duel!
Like the whole old school thing?
Yeah, exactamundo.
- f*ck!
- Right.
No, like f*ck!
And you guys are
their seconds, right?
Right, yeah.
How, wait, you know
about this sh*t?
How do you know about this sh*t?
Hey, look.
We-we gotta get out there.
They're gonna think we're
doing something weird.
What they gonna think
we doing, f*cking?
- Ah!
- What?
So this dude f*cked
this other dude's chick.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
And then that dude burned
his dead dad's board?
Right.
Something has to be done.
The way I see it, if this is how
they wanna resolve this,
they have the right to do it.
That's American
freedom right there.
Right?
But you don't have
a place to do it.
[Sam] That's the gist.
Hmm, I think you're in
a pretty impossible
position, right?
Like I said, we've
just been trying to burn-
But you are in need
of assistance, man.
You need a place
without cameras,
a place that can handle death.
What you guys need is
someone who understands
the importance of this,
someone with a stunning estate,
someone like my boss.
Wait, your boss
has a field of honor?
Fields, yeah, fields.
Get the f*ck outta here.
So we've got two
options here, fellas.
Keep doing blow and
going to a nightclub.
[Joey vocalizing]
That could be one.
Or keep doing blow
and find your friends
a f*cking field of honor.
[Joey snorting cocaine]
It ain't in San Diego, though.
I'm not saying we
should take the word
of a would-be emperor, but
Broadway would have us believe
that he regretted k*lling
Alexander Hamilton,
and it was quite the contrary,
because he was very
proud of that duel,
and Hamilton did accuse
him of, uh, incest, so.
I don't know what
you're talking about
Aaron Burr.
[Colin] Who?
The guy who k*lled Hamilton.
I thought we liked Hamilton.
Well, that depends
on whether or not
you consider yourself
a Federalist.
He doesn't know
what a Federalist is.
I don't know why
you find that weird.
Since we don't know
how long it's gonna take
your seconds to find
an appropriate field,
how about I spin another
tale of dueling for you,
and since it's just us guys,
let me paint you this picture.
1892, Russia.
Princess and a countess,
broadswords, topless.
Gentlemen, gentlemen!
We found it!
[Christof] Good god.
How did you get down
here?
Oh, but it's not,
it's not in San Diego.
It's actually in Mexico.
We can't get to
Mexico, you idiot.
We don't have passports.
You're not going to need them.
Hey!
Who is this guy?
This is Joey.
This is my new friend.
Yes, you would love it, sir.
Really antiquey.
Sure.
Who is in charge
of details here?
That would be me.
- This is the big man.
- Oh.
- Go for it.
- How exciting.
Thank you.
- Go for it, go for it.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Hello.
Hey, nice to meet you guys!
So who f*ck who,
and who burn what?
Hey!
You-you guys want some burgers?
We can't eat 'em.
Look, look, right here.
This is the harlot, right here.
She's ruining our lives.
- That's her?
- Mm-hmm.
Well her Instagram
isn't too showy.
Mostly just nature and sh*t.
She's a photographer.
She's an email marketer
who likes taking pictures.
So what does he do?
Hmm?
Who?
Your boss.
[Joey sighs]
Gentlemen, this
is frankly amazing.
How'd the call go?
- Calls, multiple calls.
- Yes, yes.
His boss, Rudolpho
Fernandez Sorentino VII.
Anyone?
Anyone, no?
He's one of the most
acclaimed and mysterious
collectors of antiquities
on planet earth.
Can't help but feeling-
Okay, sorry, sorry.
If you don't mind-
- Yeah.
Me butting in here.
[clears throat] Basically,
guys, Mr. Sorentino
has invited you to use his
quite frankly stunning estate
for your pew pew,
dueling aspirations.
He's an admirer of what you
guys are attempting to do, so-
Wait, is this
actually happening?
Hey man, don't take
this the wrong way,
but your boss, what is he,
like cartel or something?
Colin, what the f*ck?
Dude, you met
this dude doing blow
in a Peppy's bathroom,
and now he's saying
he's gonna bring us over the
border without passports.
What the f*ck?
Yeah, but that
doesn't, you shouldn't,
wait, yeah, Joey.
What-what's the
deal with you, man?
You know what Joey,
can I field this one?
Yes, it's been rumored
that Mr. Sorentino
uh, works, uh, on the
darker side of pharmacology.
What does that mean?
He's a drug baron.
Copy that.
You know what?
Full disclosure, he just offered
to buy my entire inventory.
I'm not sure that
I'm gonna sell,
but he's a fan,
which is awesome.
I have a friendly rivalry
with another dealer in town
who was swearing
at me on the phone,
jealous that I even got
a chance to talk to him.
I, no pressure, please,
you gotta do this.
I think it's destiny.
Yeah.
Guys, I'm gonna
follow your lead here,
but can we just go over
this first, please?
We could go to Mexico, and
we could get smuggled in
by a drug baron.
Or, and I know this
is the craziest part,
you guys could just
go home, sit down,
and talk to Abbie.
[soft old fashioned
music playing]
Okay, drug tunnel.
I don't know what
the f*ck is going on,
but this night is
getting out of hand.
That's what I've been saying
since Peppy Grill's bathroom.
Bro, I have never done
so much cocaine in my life.
I've never seen
someone do so much.
Joey just doesn't stop.
Well.
That's it.
So you really think at
the other end of this tunnel
is a stunning estate?
Hmm?
Okay, what are you saying,
that I lied to you?
That we brought all the
gear here for nothing?
That I would take you in there
just to k*ll you at the end?
Why?
I could k*ll you here.
I could just leave you stranded,
or I could sh**t you with this!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
[all shouting]
No one's being pressured
to go into the tunnel, right?
I can't be more
clear about that.
I'll give you your phones back,
and you can f*ck off, okay?
Joey, hey.
Why don't we put the g*n away?
Mr. Sorentino wouldn't want
you to frighten his guests.
That is exactly
what I'm saying!
Exactly what I'm saying!
I could not be more
concerned right now.
You're pointing a
loaded g*n at me.
You're sticking it right here.
Okay, come on.
[Joey] No, you're
f*cking right.
You're f*cking right.
Why don't we give them-
It's all good, it's all good.
Okay, why don't we
give these guys a moment,
and you and I can
go grab the gear?
I think.
- Okay.
Okay.
No one needs to be frightened.
Jesus, man.
Yeah, let's go.
Hey, uh, Colin.
Uh, are you sure you wanna
go through with this?
It's a little too late to
turn back now, don't you think?
No, no, no, no!
This is exactly the
moment to back out!
On the other side of the tunnel,
it will become a
f*cking problem!
- [Christof] Joey!
- Okay.
Colin, listen.
I-I know, trust me, I know
you think you love her,
but that's a stupid
f*cking reason to die.
Love?
What-what the f*ck is that?
That's just a brain chemical.
And one day, you're
gonna sober up,
and you're gonna think about
all the decisions you made
while you were
essentially f*cked up-
- Sam, hang on-
- Okay, like me, right now.
And bro, I feel,
I just f*cking feel like
I pushed you into this.
[Colin] You didn't.
And I don't want you to think
that I pushed you
into doing this.
You literally had
nothing to do with this.
Okay.
Okay, tight.
Tight.
f*ck.
Oh f*ck.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Well, this is definitely
the most interesting thing
we're ever going to do, huh?
Shut the f*ck up, Kevin.
[Kevin] Shut
the f*ck up Kevin?
Shut the f*ck up, Sam.
You're the whole f*cking
reason we're here.
[Joey] Boat on the left,
guys.
[Joey speaking Spanish]
Come on.
This is fantastic.
I never would've imagined.
Cops didn't have
boats in the desert.
Come on.
[soft mysterious music]
[mysterious music swells]
[mysterious music continues]
[boat motor rumbling]
I miss the tiki bar.
[cheerful mariachi music]
[all snoring]
[Sam] Kev.
Kev!
[Kevin shrieks]
[gate clanging]
[speaking over security radio]
[cars whooshing]
[cheerful mariachi
music continues]
[Joey speaking Spanish]
[Joey] Okay, come on,
guys.
Come on.
[Christof laughs]
[Christof] So this is
Mexico.
Actually, wait here.
Okay?
What did I tell you boys?
If you're gonna do this,
do it the right way.
Man, I told you,
Joey got the hookup.
[Christof] And when you
demand more from yourself,
you'll find yourself in
more interesting places.
I just don't think it was fair
I was supposed to expect this.
Gentlemen, Mr.
Sorentino expects you.
Please come in.
It's okay.
[lively classical music playing]
Holy sh*t.
Don't swear.
What?
Ignore the staff.
This is more important.
Mr. Sorentino is aware
that you didn't have
a chance to pack, so he will
provide you proper attire
for this evening.
Now, house rules.
Pay attention.
All of you.
Mr. Sorentino does not
tolerate foul language,
hats inside, or
flip flops on men.
You are expected to hold yourself
in appearance to account.
He's gracious, and lethal.
What?
Now stand up straight.
Good.
[classical music blaring]
Gentlemen.
I am Rudolpho Fernando
Sorentino VII.
Welcome to my house.
Welcome to my home.
Please, please come join me.
Though you may not
have heard about me,
I've heard of you.
And it's always an
unexpected pleasure
to have guests here,
or on any other
Sorentino estate.
I am told that you
are men of honor.
I find that fascinating.
Sir!
Christof.
An impulse buy, I must admit,
but your inventory
so very charming,
I just couldn't resist.
You are far too kind, sir.
But, that is
not the reason why
we have all gathered here.
A much more important
transaction is at stake.
An affair of honor.
Mr. McKinley, I'm impressed
by your initiative.
Thank you.
And you, Mr. Van Buren,
I'm impressed by your resolve.
Uh, Colin is fine, thanks.
Of course.
And are you also an
admirer of history
and of the chivalrous arts?
I wouldn't say that.
No problem.
I'm sure you'll find things here
that will strike
your imagination.
And of course, our seconds.
Great pleasure.
Sam.
Kevin.
I'm sure that I
will find reasons
to be impressed by
you both, in time.
Shall we?
[mysterious music swells]
My daughter is not here to
greet you at the moment,
a much more appealing host.
My house is like a
hoarder's dungeon,
full of knick-knacks and things.
I am simply out of time,
both in my business
and in my tastes.
Ah, this is the spa.
It's occupied, sir.
Ah, yes.
Can't get in there
at the moment.
Well, let's keep on moving.
[Joey whistles]
- [Rudolpho] - Christof.
- [Christof] - Hmm?
[Rudolpho] - What do you
think we have here?
[Christof] They're just
boys,
but they seem to be
more than willing
to go through with this.
[Rudolpho] [chuckles]
To be a young man.
Ah, yes.
Agreed.
I've had to fight in my life.
I've tried to behave honorably
in the most dishonest of trades,
but to duel.
Sadly, that was
never my destiny.
Nobody was ever worth it.
Hmm.
When do you think
they should do it?
I think that dawn is best.
Gentlemen, I need
your attention please.
We have decided the duel
will take place at dawn,
so we must make haste in
finding a field of honor
for our duelists.
Seconds, this is your duty.
Christof, I'm assuming
you'll join us?
[Christof] It
will be my pleasure.
[Rudolpho] Colin,
Woody.
You are my esteemed
guests.
Please make yourselves
at home, relax.
Wander the grounds.
Anything you should
need, please ask.
[soft pensive music]
[footsteps clatter]
[woman shrieks]
[soft music continues]
[soft tense music]
Mr. Rudolpho, I'm only
gonna ask you this just once.
Have we died, and are you God?
I think I'm
closer to El Diablo.
Don't you think?
See? I knew it.
I knew we were in hell.
Oh Sam, this isn't hell.
This is Mexico.
Is it?
So, do you think this
place might be appropriate?
Ah, I see.
You seem not sure if you
believe that this is right.
Rule 21.
Seconds are bound to
attempt a reconciliation
before the meeting takes place.
[soft mysterious music]
[birds chirping]
[soft mysterious
music continues]
[Woody sighs]
[flames crackling]
[clock ticking]
[insects chirping]
[Colin panting]
How much do you know?
Everything but why
And for how long.
Why?
I love her.
You love her?
You love her?
Yes, I felt like
I was falling out of
my body or something.
You felt like you were,
you're gonna Shakespeare me?
You gonna tell me her kisses
tasted like pomegranates?
Woody.
How long?
Still trying to decide if
you're gonna lie to me or not?
Yeah.
You gonna?
No.
Well?
How long?
Three months.
Three months?
[laughing] Three months?
Three f*cking months, Colin?
Three entire months, man?
What, what are you looking at?
What could possibly be
more important than this?
There's a lady.
A lady, what's she doing?
I'm floating.
[playful music]
You must be the men who
want to recreate the 1800s
in my backyard!
Yay!
- Three months?
- Yeah.
Three months, Sam?
Gentlemen, I think
we're losing focus.
The point is to
resolve conflicts, eh?
Not to cause more.
You know what I
can't figure out
is what you're doing
on Colin's side.
He's a pig.
Colin is a pig, Sam.
Just like that guy Joey.
Gentlemen, let's calm down.
We don't wanna star another, uh-
No, no, no.
Christof, Christof.
Let the young men finish.
Kevin, please continue.
f*cking gentlemen?
I'm sorry but, Christof,
I just wanna go home,
without anybody getting hurt!
What Colin and Woody
did was shitty!
We're all shitty people, Sam!
I just wanna go sit
at a shitty restaurant
in our shitty city
and wait for this
to just blow over!
Can we please stop pretending
like we're all special?
[Sam sighs]
Everything is a Chili's!
That's crazy, you sound
exactly like Woody right now.
Well you know what?
Sometimes Woody's right!
Even when he's saying his
sad philosophical bullshit.
People will line up
for f*cking for hours
to pay 600 bucks for neon shoes?
It's just you-you-you,
f*cking, you eat,
and you sleep, and you die,
and all you have
are your friends,
and the shoes that you
waited in line for,
and I feel like sometimes
you just have to ask
are any of us worth more
than the plastic that
we've thrown away?
You know?
So it was three months, huh?
So how'd you get
the name Aphrodite?
Uh, well my mother
died in childbirth,
and my father is
arrogant. [laughing]
Plus he's a classicist.
A classist?
No.
A classicist.
Somebody versed in
the classics, Colin.
f*ck.
So, you wanted to marry her?
I thought we
might move in first.
And then?
And get a dog.
Oh.
And then?
And then something
like a wedding, yeah.
[Aphrodite sighs]
And you knew this?
Yeah, I guess.
So hold on, you also
wanted to marry her?
Well, I wouldn't
say that, exactly.
It's never been
about titles with me.
Hmm, because she
had a boyfriend, huh?
Hey.
No.
Go ahead.
It was about something
deeper, you know?
It was about being with
someone, moment to moment.
Oh my god.
Someone who made
you feel safe,
and untouchable, invincible-
Jesus Christ.
And I'm pretentious.
Shh.
After my dad passed away,
I felt like I hadn't
been alone with someone
in a really, really
long time, so.
That's really, really lovely.
So you also love her?
And you're dueling
Woody for her heart.
[Aphrodite squeaks]
No.
Woody did something bad.
Really, really bad?
Really, really bad.
So you're yelling now.
You're the guy that yells.
I just find that funny,
because I've known
you for 10 years,
and you've never talked
to me like that before.
I just find it rude.
You're just yelling and cursing
at Mr. Rudolpho's fine estate,
and you're making
Chris uncomfortable.
I'm fine, but let's
avoid a rule 25,
or before we know it, we'll
have our seconds dueling.
[both chuckling]
We're all having a good time.
Fix the attitude.
You couldn't find a solution,
so the duel must take place.
And this is not the
perfect field of honor?
Is this not the
perfect spot, huh?
Oh, sir, absolutely.
I think it is perfect.
What-what was it that you said?
The perfect spot.
You know, you just have an eye.
You have a great eye.
Okay.
Kevin.
Um, sure, yeah.
It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter?
Okay.
Well, let's not
worry about this now.
We have a lot to do,
very little time.
We should get off and
prepare for dinner.
Okay?
- Yes.
- A voi tutti.
- Ava tooty!
[glasses clink]
[Sam chuckles]
- Very good.
- What does that mean?
- To all of you.
- To all of us.
Even him?
[Aphrodite] So, what is
this bad thing that Woody did?
My dad died of lung cancer
a year and a half ago,
and the last thing that he did
was make me a surfboard.
[Aphrodite] Okay, that's
nice.
And?
And, uh, he was
kind of a cool dad.
You know, woodworking
was sort of his thing.
[soft music]
Woody and I have
been best friends
since freshman year
of high school.
And we would just surf and smoke
and hang out at my
dad's shop, and,
and, uh...
And his dad made the
board while he was dying,
and I helped him with it.
And it was a big deal.
Last gift, and all.
It was the most intense
thing that I'd ever done,
until I, uh,
until I took it to
their favorite beach,
and I stuck it in the sand,
and I set it on f*cking fire.
The one that he made
when he was dying?
The one he made when
he was coughing blood
into his hands,
and making Colin an orphan,
begging me to look
after his son.
And I set it on fire.
[soft solemn music]
And I'd do it again.
[music fading]
[clock ticking]
You know, you
notice paintings more
when you don't have your phone.
Nordic.
Hey, where is everybody?
I don't know.
Wanna hang out?
Uh.
What'd you have in mind?
[sheaths sword]
Join me.
[soft somber music]
[Colin panting]
[cigarette sizzles]
Duels were fought in defense
of what the law
would not defend,
a gentleman's sense
of personal honor.
In 1808, two Frenchmen dueled
in hot air balloons over Paris.
One was shot and k*lled
along with his second.
[g*nshots firing on screen]
35 years later,
their cousins tried
to settle their differences
by skulling each other
with billiard ba*ls.
So you're really just
like this all the time?
I'm really just like
this all the time.
[knocking at door]
[knocking at door]
No, Sam, f*ck off!
[Rudolpho] Kevin?
It's me, Rudolpho Sorentino
VII.
Are you decent?
I am.
Thank you again for today.
Ah, please.
It was my pleasure.
I should apologize
for my language earlier.
Kevin, you're now
experiencing anxiety.
It's because you are a
gentleman of your time,
a man of morals and values
that have told you that
it is never appropriate
to hit another child at school,
or to stand up for
yourself at work,
or to defend your honor,
no matter what is done.
But I ask you this, is it
okay to betray a friend?
Uh, no sir.
No, of course not.
Nor is it okay to
destroy an object
of vast importance
to the family.
But you would have your
friends do nothing.
Please.
[Kevin breathing heavily]
[soft mysterious music]
Please.
Please.
I can't be more clear, sir.
I'm not a problem
to you in any way.
Excuse me?
Well you know, just that like,
I will go with the
flow on all of this,
just float on by like we did
earlier in your cave river.
This is not about you, Kevin.
It's about your friends.
And the fact that you prefer
for this duel not to happen,
you prefer that they do nothing.
Resent, forgive, be
like everybody else,
but they're not
like everybody else.
These are men that you've
esteemed with your time,
men that you should
demand more of,
men who are right in trying
to demand more of themselves,
to try and figure out
how the sausage is made.
I'm sorry, did
you say sausage?
I did.
[pig snorting]
Now Kevin, I want you to
look at these two creatures.
What is the difference?
Sir.
I'm speaking to Kevin.
One is a pig, sir.
[Rudolpho] Yes?
[Kevin] And the
other's a person.
Hmm, you think so?
[tense music intensifying]
[g*nsh*t fires]
[pig squealing]
This is how the sausage is made.
[Kevin panting]
Is that a pig or a person?
[Kevin] It's a pig.
Huh?
It's a pig.
- Is it?
- It's a pig.
Is that a pig or a person?
It's a pig!
Is this a pig or a person?
It's a pig!
Okay, fine.
Sir-[g*nsh*t fires]
[Joey crashes]
How about that? [chuckles]
[Kevin panting]
Kevin, pay attention.
Are there two people or
two pigs on the ground?
Hmm?
The answer is
there is nothing on the ground.
What the f*ck?
Look, look.
This is how
meaningless it can be
for people who live like
nothing has meaning.
Look how they die.
This is what the world
wants for you, your friends.
Nothingness forever. [chuckles]
[Kevin laughing]
[Rudolpho laughs]
Oh my god!
Laughing is right.
We are a cosmic joke,
unless we tell the universe,
this is not funny.
We are no one's joke.
You are not a punchline, Kevin.
Neither are your
friends, neither am I.
Live for something,
stand for something.
Die for something.
Uh, I don't know
what we do now.
Nothing.
My staff is very well equipped.
[Kevin panting]
Okay.
So, what, he was a,
he was a pig person?
Yes, a pig person.
He was a drug dealer, for
god's sake. [chuckles]
[Kevin] But aren't
you a drug dealer?
Listen, I wanted you
to learn this lesson,
to see death.
It is so important.
I like you, Kevin.
[Kevin] That's good.
[singer singing in Spanish]
[gentle guitar music]
[singer continues
singing in Spanish]
[singer continues
singing in Spanish]
[singer continues
singing in Spanish]
[band kicks in]
[singer continues
singing in Spanish]
[brakes screech]
[people chatting]
[music fades]
[soft piano music]
[people chatting]
[Guest 1] Oh
look, is that him?
[Guest 2] I believe so.
How interesting.
[Guest 1] Not sure
what to make of him.
[guests laughing]
[guests continue
chatting and laughing]
Champagne, sir?
Who are these people?
No idea.
You look very handsome, Colin.
It's nice to see you cleaned up.
[playing soft piano music]
This day has
gotten out of hand.
[Rudolpho] En guard!
[guests gasping]
[sword clanging]
[bright exciting music]
- Oh!
Monte Cristo!
[Christof laughing]
Oh!
[Rudolpho counts in Italian]
[swords clanging]
[suspenseful music]
It was not my sword, Mondego,
but your past that disowned you.
[gong clanging]
[guests gasp excitedly]
[all clapping]
Huh?
Not bad, eh?
- [Guests] Bravo!
- Bravo!
- Aye.
- [Guest] Well played, Rudolpho.
Boys, men!
I see you met some of my guests.
Bravo.
You look as God intended.
Destiny, men.
Destiny.
All right, listen man,
I'm not trying to say
I have all the answers,
but if you think you're not
a part of the drug trade
just because you just
work in the house,
that's bullshit, okay?
If you're making
breakfast for the cartel,
you are quite literally
fueling the fire.
Do you understand what
I'm trying to say to you?
Drugs ruin lives, man.
How you think I got here?
Okay, come on, just.
[Sam sighing]
Hey, what's going on?
What are you dreaming?
[pig squealing]
Huh?
[Sam] Is that orange juice?
Sunny D.
Sunny D?
[Kevin slurps juice]
Yeah.
Sunny D.
I'm not even about to do
this with you right now.
Put your pants on.
You know we were supposed
to be downstairs,
like, two minutes ago.
[bright mysterious music]
[party guests laughing]
What in the world are you doing?
I'm coming down the stairs.
No, no, no.
You acting weird.
I'm trying to tell
you something, Sam.
We do not have time, man.
We already running late.
The day is
getting out of hand.
Things are crazy.
You-you don't think I know
that this sh*t is crazy?
Why you think I've been being
so nice to Rudolpho, okay?
I am terrified.
We have spent the entire
day with a drug baron
in a place that's
apparently Mexico,
but we have no way
of determining that.
We got on these
f*cking weird a*s suits
like we on the f*cking Titanic,
and I'm f*cking
drowning right now,
and I'm reaching
out to you for help,
and what you doing?
You sitting around
drinking children's juice-
Sunny D.
[Sam sighs]
We are not just
ourselves anymore, Kevin.
We are representing
our best friends,
and our new friend, Joey.
I'm trying to tell you
something about Joey.
Kevin.
Right now, I need you
to clean it the f*ck up.
I'm not a cosmic joke.
What?
I am not
a cosmic joke.
Okay?
What are you talking, Kev?
Kev, come here!
And so they come to
my place of business,
these fellows, who
want to have a duel,
and to be frank, I
didn't think there were
any gentlemen among
the younger generation,
just mostly hype beasts.
Uh-huh.
[party guests chuckle]
And what gentlemen they are.
Tonight, we shall have
dinner, and then some drinks,
and an early night,
because tomorrow,
right at dawn, these men
will answer the question
in their hearts.
Where else but at Rudolpho
Sorentino VII's house
will you see such
a duel, I ask you?
Papua New Guinea.
[guest clears throat]
Strong honor culture.
Headhunters.
Yes, well, an
event like no other,
I promise you that.
Event?
Yes. [chuckles]
What else would you call it?
A pageant?
A performance?
[party guests chuckling]
I'm sorry.
Who are all these people?
Are they also drug barons?
[doors opening]
Hey, our seconds have arrived.
[guests murmuring]
[soft classical music]
Well done, men.
Oh my god, it's a party.
Incredible!
Wow!
Woo-hoo!
What in the world
is up with this dude?
Oh god, that looks good!
It's good to be here!
I know, he's
k*lling it, right?
No.
No, he's not k*lling it.
Wow, looks incredible,
god, my goodness!
I mean, the man clearly enjoys
the high society lifestyle.
Shush, shush.
Kev!
Kevin!
What's up?
I'm-I'm actually
really glad you guys
called me over here.
We gotta talk about something.
No, no, no.
We don't have time
to talk, okay?
We need to deal with the fact
that tomorrow morning,
our two friends
are gonna blow each
other's heads off.
The heads don't
actually come off.
What are you, what is this?
There are an awful
lot of guests here.
Yeah, what is Rudolpho
trying to set up,
a WWE smackdown?
More like a wedding,
but at least in this case
they have the decency
to admit that they're
trying to k*ll each other.
[Rudolpho] Gentlemen,
ladies, your attention please.
If you would follow me to
the dining room to feast
with our two young heroes.
I have one final surprise.
[exciting classical music]
[guests chatting]
[all murmuring]
Does anyone actually
know if we're in Mexico?
I was thinking the same thing.
Nobody's speaking Spanish.
Rudolpho speaks Spanish.
He's speaking Italian.
Why would he speak Italian?
My guess is
because he's Italian.
Who's that wine for?
Now that we are all settled,
to have these two men here
with us is such a treat,
so I decided to
surprise them in turn
to a treat of their own.
I cannot take all the credit.
It was Aphrodite's idea.
She told me, actually,
Aphrodite, what did you say?
Well, I said it seems
crazy to have all this
be about a woman and not
even get to meet her.
I think a modern
woman deserves agency.
She's integral to
this whole event,
to the story.
Ah, maybe that's true.
So without any further
ado, please welcome
[exciting dramatic music]
Abigail Williams.
[guests murmuring]
[soft mysterious music]
Please, join us.
At the end of the table.
Thank you.
[guests whispering]
[chair scraping]
[music fades]
Hi, guys.
Why did you come here?
How did you get here?
Hmm.
How did I get here?
[exciting upbeat music]
- She's that one, right?
That one.
- Yeah, yeah.
Abigail Williams.
[Joey shouts in Spanish]
[Abbie screaming]
[doors slamming]
[Joey shouts in Spanish]
Hello!
You must be Abigail.
We are going to
have so much fun.
You want to have a spa day?
I love spa days.
[Aphrodite giggles]
She loves it.
And you're gonna be
the big surprise.
Isn't that fun?
I'm the surprise?
That's right.
And all your friends
will be there.
- You invited my friends?
- Mm-hmm.
Like Cami, and Maggie-
Oh no, no, no.
I don't know who they are.
I'm talking about Woody and
Colin and Sam and Kevin.
Ugh.
No, those are my
boyfriend's friends.
Did you say boyfriends?
Oh, I know.
You know?
There is a lot you're
gonna get caught up on.
You're so pretty.
Yeah.
So, when Joey texted me
about your boyfriends,
I'm like, this is an opportunity
we can't miss out on.
This is my dad's biggest dream.
Let's do it, let's party.
And my apologies-[Abbie crying]
we're gonna have salmon.
I had a whole
conversation with the chef
and we had to-[Abbie crying]
[Abbie crying]
[bright atmospheric music]
[singer vocalizing]
[bright atmospheric
music continues]
And after dinner, we'll
retire to our rooms,
the men will go for
brandy and cigars,
and if I know my father,
they'll all recite poetry.
They don't know any poetry.
But they-they
are educated adults
in their late 20s.
Yeah.
Why is that weird to you?
Because it is.
No, this is.
All of this is.
And I'm, ow.
I am going to stop it.
You think this is weird?
You are weird.
And you are the one
who somehow turned
two perfectly normal
men into Musketeers,
or knights, or heroes.
What are you talking about?
How do you know see
how stupid this is?
I think this is very romantic.
They-they wouldn't
die for-for money,
or their country,
or their church, no.
They would die for you.
That's crazy.
This is crazy.
Yeah.
You're crazy.
You know what's crazy?
Insulting somebody
who just kidnapped you
in their own home.
[knocking at door]
Ooh, almost time! [giggling]
Okay, let me do it.
[Aphrodite grunting]
Jesus, how do you
breathe in this thing?
You don't.
That's how I got here.
Lengthy.
The food has been marvelous.
Oh, please.
Thank you.
Are you okay?
Oh, Abbie's fine.
Apparently she had a spa day.
Yeah.
Okay, I didn't ask
to have a spa day, Sam.
Stop talking to me.
This is crazy.
You kidnapped her.
I'm getting you out of here.
Rudolpho, I want your
word of honor right now
that Abbie's completely safe,
and is gonna be taken
home as soon as possible.
This duel isn't
happening until Abbie
is taken home safely.
She doesn't belong here.
[Woody] I just said
that.
You're not getting
me out of here,
I'm getting you out of here.
She has nothing
to do with this.
She's never had anything
to do with this.
What are y'all talking about?
She has everything
to do with this.
This is her fault.
Mm-hmm.
Maybe they should be
excused, have some privacy.
Gentlemen, madame, please.
Everyone is free to go
whenever they please.
Yeah no, I couldn't.
I can arrange transportation
tomorrow morning.
Hmm.
But I'm sure you'd agree,
you haven't exactly been kept
in a dungeon here, have you?
[laughing] It's
crazy down there!
I am not leaving
until we're all leaving.
Oh good!
You'll stay with me
and watch the duel.
Woody?
You don't need to do this.
I know what I did was
insane and horrible,
and I-I will own that.
But what you are doing,
do you see what you're doing?
Did you not just hear my story?
I was drugged, I was kidnapped.
I don't even know how
I got my nails done.
- Kevin.
- What?
How can you eat
at a time like this?
You should eat.
No, I don't want to eat.
They're about to duel tomorrow,
and you're just acting
like nothing is going on.
I-I get it now.
What do you mean,
you get it now?
Sometimes these
things happen, okay?
We can figure this out, Woods.
Please.
Don't throw it all away.
Why are you drinking?
This is expensive wine,
you're drinking it
like it's juice.
It's unlimited, it's free.
And why are you
holding your hand out
like he just works for you?
Thank you, sir.
Thank you.
You didn't even see thank you.
See, you ain't got no manners.
[Abbie] This is
not how life works.
It's how it did.
It's how it should.
Ah, Woody.
If you get k*lled,
who calls your mom?
[Woody] Excuse me?
Who gets the bodies
back home, hmm?
- Mm.
- Oh, don't worry, Abbie.
I'll take care of everything.
If we're visited by death,
I will take care of
the burial costs.
It'll be my honor.
Or cremation, or freezing,
or whatever other nonsense you
young people do these days.
Eco pods.
Woody, I wanna go
home with you, okay?
Let's go home, and
let's just talk.
Something went wrong with us,
and I-I messed up, okay?
And I have never been
more sorry in my life.
An exact replica of
Hunter S. Thompson's funeral
for me, please.
Expensive.
I like it.
Really great, Colin.
Super helpful.
Oh hi, Abbie.
I didn't know you could see me.
Was it all a lie, Abbie?
Did you ever love me, you know?
I do love you.
Right now, I love you
more than I ever have.
It's interesting, because
he loves you, Abbie.
How the f*ck did that happen?
I wanna go home.
What, so you're saying
baseball isn't baseball?
It's changed.
What's changed?
It's different.
Guys are all mutants right now.
Mutants?
You think those guys
have ever eaten a hot dog?
Are you joking?
They used to smoke cigars
in the dugouts back then.
Better time.
What?
What's that even mean?
You're making a
mess over there.
You're just shoveling
the food in your face.
That's what Babe
Ruth would do.
That's true.
What are y'all talking about?
Baseball.
I understand why you
felt the need to do this.
I do.
You're not crazy.
I mean, you are.
But your own specific
brand of crazy.
That's what I love about you.
In some f*cked up way,
this is also you.
But Colin?
This isn't him.
I don't even know how
you got him to do this.
What?
Colin, can you please-
What isn't me?
All of this.
The duel, the-the situation.
I mean, it's clearly
Woody's thing.
Why?
Because I know you,
and this is, like,
Woody's thing, okay?
And you're, like you're chill.
I'm chill?
[Abbie] Yeah.
I'm chill.
Chill, I'm chill?
I'm chill?
Why, because I'm from Venice?
Because I smoke weed?
Because I like to surf?
And because I just let
things happen, right?
Colin, hold on.
I'm not trying-
- No, you hold on.
Our interactions ruined my
relationship with Woody.
Someone I have loved
like a brother.
A brother, Woody.
For years.
[slams table]
[guest gasping]
They ruined your relationship.
They ruined my reputation.
And I'm supposed to be chill?
Is that what you think of me?
Is that how I'm going
to be remembered?
Sam, Kevin?
Chill?
I'm chill?
- Colin, I-
- No, I'm not chill!
I'm not chill.
I don't understand.
You don't understand.
Woody burned my dad's board.
He burned it to hurt me
like I hurt him,
like you hurt him.
When are we gonna
take things seriously?
This is toxic masculinity.
[Rudolpho chuckling]
Toxic masculinity.
That's very good.
Unbelievable.
Well, Woods?
How about right now?
Right now?
Right now.
Aren't you ready?
[chair squeaking]
Gentlemen, I must remind you
that the honor of
a duel is to avoid
acting upon animal instincts,
but to behave
deliberately as a tribute
to your status as men.
I've never behaved
more deliberately
in my entire life.
Rudolpho, can we do it now?
Woody, no.
Of course.
It can be done.
Perhaps it'll be a fitting
finale to this evening!
Should we wait for dessert?
No, no, no, no.
Huh?
No, so let's just take
our dessert to the field.
Good.
Get the g*ns.
He just big dogged me.
Yeah, he took
control down there.
Jesus Christ.
He-he just took over,
and now somehow
he's the good guy?
Mm-hmm.
What?
Right.
Like, it's, I'm not saying
that's what happening,
but it feel like this
was supposed to be
your moment, and he
just hijacked it.
Yeah, yeah.
And I-I'm sorry, Woods,
but it feels like
a lot of people
are Team Colin now.
Team Colin?
Yeah.
Do we even know
who these people are?
Can you hold this?
Do we even know
who these people are?
Yeah!
Honestly, no.
How-how would I, do you
know who these people are?
No.
Of course I don't know
who these people are.
Thank you.
I don't know who this is.
What's your name?
[Sam] She's crazy.
Man, I mean, what?
What was that?
She's just, she's just,
throwing herself at Woody
like-like you
never even existed.
She got both of
y'all just thinking
that you're in love with her,
and she just, she just
rolling around in it
like she's the f*cking
princess of true love.
I don't know of how many
different ways I can say this,
Colin, but it's not real.
Brain chemicals, right?
Yes, that is exactly right.
But you are here.
In Mexico.
And?
On a boat.
In a drug tunnel.
I-I am aware of this.
You stood by me.
Even before you knew
about my dad's board.
You love me.
Don't try to explain it away.
You love me, Sam.
And you love Kevin.
And you love Woody.
You three are only family
members I had left.
If that's not worth
fighting a duel over,
then I don't know
what else would be.
The thing is, Kev,
I am the good guy.
Woods, I know that.
But what Colin did down there,
that was exciting.
- Yeah.
I mean, it's probably
what won Abbie over.
God, he's such
a piece of sh*t.
No.
He's a pig.
I'm not sure that
he's a pig, but-
No, you listen to me.
He is a pig.
Colin is a pig person.
[glass clinking]
Just like that f*cking guy Joey.
All right, man.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have-
I gotta, I gotta
focus on the thing, and-
[Kevin] I know, I know.
You look good.
Yeah?
Honestly, it feels
like I'm at your wedding.
[knocking at door]
Okay.
[Abbie] Woody?
It's me.
Can I talk to you alone
for a second please?
No!
All right, well I'm just
gonna talk, and you can listen.
I know I f*cked up really bad,
but I think I was
just so scared.
You've just always
known what you wanted,
and I-I never made
any permanent choices
out of fear of regretting them,
so I-I never decided
what I actually wanted.
Look, being here,
wherever we are,
I don't even actually
know if this is happening,
but I know what I want, Woody.
And I wanna spend the
rest of my life with you.
If it was up to me, you and I,
we would get on a plane
to Vegas right now,
and we would get married.
Or, f*ck it!
We could do it here.
I don't care, in front
of all those people.
I love you so much,
and I am sorry that
I had to hurt you
in order to realize that.
And I will spend
the rest of my life
trying to make that up to you.
I just wanna be with you.
Or,
or you never have to
speak to me ever again.
If that's what you want,
then I would understand that.
She doesn't know
what she wants.
You can forget about me,
and I won't bother you.
Just please, Woody,
please, do not do this.
[soft dramatic music]
I can't watch you do this.
[Woody scoffs]
Please don't do this.
[footsteps retreating]
[both chuckling]
[flames roar]
[all cheering]
- Oh my god, it's so good!
- Right.
[Rudolpho speaks Italian]
Ah.
[Abbie] Are you two
excited?
I am sorry?
Got them all boozed up.
They're ready.
Honor and all that.
Oh, Abbie-
You know, my father
used to talk about w*r,
how brave men fought
for our freedom
and all that sh*t.
Like he was jealous.
All my father ever did was
raise a family and provide.
Not that much honor in
that though, I suppose.
No, no, very honorable life.
He always thought that
"Saving Private Ryan"
was a little bit more
real than car runs,
that he was some
failure of a man.
My father never k*lled anyone.
Abbie-
He never played
on a football team.
I am asking you both now
to be real men, like my father.
To stop this this
minute, this second.
They should not be here.
None of this should
be happening.
Your-your nostalgia,
or whatever it is,
is not more interesting
than their lives.
If there is dishonor,
let it be mine.
If there is anger,
point it at me.
But if you are men,
don't let boys die.
But they're not boys!
They're not
playthings, either!
They're not the lives
you didn't live!
Give them back to me!
Don't you dare throw them away.
All we do is
provide the means-
Oh, oh of course.
Like the drug dealer you are.
[Rudolpho] Hey, hey, hey.
Ah, look.
What they want-
[Abbie] They don't
know what they want!
You cannot know
the hearts of men-
Please!
- What, [clears throat]-
- Ah, don't you see
how beautiful it's gonna be?
All I see is vanity.
[Rudolpho] I'm so
sorry, then, for you.
"Tell me not I am unkind,
that from the nunnery of thy
chaste breast and quiet mind,
to w*r and arms I fly.
True, a new mistress
now I chase,
the first foe in the field,
and with stronger
faith embrace a sword,
a horse, a shield.
Yet, this inconstancy such,
as you two shall adore.
I could not love
thee dear so much.
Loved I not honor more".
[Christof] Lovelace.
Ah!
I just learned it today!
[Rudolpho speaks Italian]
[Christof chuckling]
Favorite poet.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
You guys are f*cked.
You're f*cked.
[Rudolpho] What did she
say?
My god, I couldn't get
two words out edgewise.
What a buzzkill.
Don't do this, man.
Aren't you Catholic?
Yeah, why?
I am too.
Really?
Yeah.
How come I never knew this?
No one talks about
anything anymore.
[soft solemn music]
[footsteps clinking]
[guest grunts]
[liquid spilling]
[guests chatting]
[soft solemn music continues]
f*ck!
You are the greatest thing
your father ever did.
You are his legacy!
[party guests chatting]
[crickets chirping]
[soft solemn music continues]
So, you call the seconds,
you count the steps, and then
you blow the whistle, yes?
Yes.
Will you pray with me?
Yeah, man.
Hail Mary, full of grace,
the lord is with thee.
Is he praying?
Has he always been religious?
I don't know.
But they're eating it up.
Son of a b*tch.
Blessed are thou-
We're still honest to
god atheists though, huh?
[Kevin chuckles]
Why look for a
reason to believe now?
Yeah, it's a little
late to find Jesus.
He could be in
that bush over there.
Nah.
Then I'd have to
pick a denomination,
and I don't think
we have the time.
Blessed is the fruit
of thy womb, Jesus-
[Kevin sighs]
If Jesus did
show up right now,
he might be able to take
that knife out of your back
Pray for us sinners now,
and at the hour of our death.
Amen.
- Amen.
[Colin exhaling]
I think it's time,
no? [chuckling]
Let's do it.
Seconds!
Be safe, Woods.
Yeah.
I'm rootin' for ya.
[soft solemn music swelling]
[case creaking]
[soft solemn music continues]
Powder.
[powder pouring]
That's good.
Powder.
[powder pouring]
Ball.
[metal clinks]
[both tamping powder]
Mr. McKinley!
Mr. Van Buren.
[footsteps rustling]
[pistols clinking]
Oh good, you're here!
I'm glad!
Good choice.
You're celebrating
this insanity.
I'm gonna be the one
who has to deal with it.
I know exactly
where I am right now.
So do I.
Abbie, look around.
This is amazing!
This whole event is for you!
You should be proud.
f*ck.
Colin, Woody.
Can you look at me?
Inside you said I
didn't understand.
But I do.
Yeah, I-I understand.
And I want you to know
that if you do this,
I will not remember you
as brave serious men.
No, I will remember you
as stupid little boys.
So.
For the love of God,
please don't do this.
[c*ck pistols]
I will count out the paces.
On 10, I will blow this whistle,
you will turn, and fire.
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
Six.
Seven.
Eight.
Nine.
Ten.
[crickets chirping]
[blows whistle]
[g*nshots firing]
[shots echoing]
[people chatting]
[crickets chirping]
[cheerful upbeat music]
[all cheering]
- Ques ca se, b*tch!
- Whoo!
Hey.
Oh my god.
Are you thinking
about Charlemagne again?
Constantly, it's constant.
[both laughing]
Every night with him.
I'm gonna get a beer.
Okay.
Listen baby
It may be factual,
may be cruel
I ain't lying
Everybody plays a fool
Falling in love is such
an easy thing to do
And there's no guarantee
that the one you love
Is gonna love you
Oh, loving eyes,
they cannot see
A certain person
could never be
[deep rumbling]
[g*nshots firing]
[flames crackling]
[crickets chirping]
[both falling]
[flames continue crackling]
[all slowly applauding]
[all chatting excitedly]
["Nobody's Fool" by Dan Penn]
[flames crackling]
[waves crashing]
Nobody's fool
This heart has
never been broken
I kept my eyes wide open
Every time she
said she loved me
Nobody's clown
No, I never
joined that circus
I played it cool
I'm nobody's fool
Nobody's toy
I wasn't made to play with
Just love 'em and leave 'em
That's my game and
I got to remain
Nobody's love
Nobody's bread and butter
Yeah, I played it cool
And I'm nobody's fool
When I wake up
in the morning
My day belongs to me
When I come home
in the evening
My nights belong to me
I feel so free
So doggone free
I feel so free
So doggone free
[music fading]
[exciting dramatic music]
[choir singing in
foreign language]
[exciting dramatic
music continues]
[exciting dramatic
music continues]
I hadn't anything
Better than health
None but the poor
feller's portion of wealth
But I had ambitions
To better myself
And some might
remember my name
And she came to me often
In cerulean lace
And light in her eyes
And with blood in her face
She bared me there
In a tender embrace
She sang me a lady's
refrain
[soft folk music]
[music fades]
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Duel, The (2023)
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