01x04 - Boyfriends

[bunniefuu]

PHONE ALARM CHIMES

Oh, four new followers.

One DM.

Who's VDV Property Management?

Oh!

George, come on. School!

GanGan's still in there.

There's only one shower!

Mummy, hurry up!

Why are you wearing gloves?

I'm reviewing anti-aging

hand masks for my TikTok.

Are you being paid to do that?

No, it doesn't work like that.

Mummy, please hurry up!

The kids have school and I've

got to be at my co-lab for 9.00.

Well, it's not my fault

you've downsized to a

single-bathroom abode, darling.

Why couldn't you just have a bath

after the school run, Mummy?

No, I'm off out. I need to check

how my new sauna's coming along,

see when I can move back home.

No, Mummy, you said you'd be in

to sign for my new ring light.

Why do you need another one?

One to light my face

and one to light my hands.

Mummy, everyone knows influencing

is 80% lighting.

What's the other 20%? Narcissism?

Can't you get that hunky guy in the

cellar to collect your parcel?

He's not a hunk.

Who uses the word "hunky" anyway?

SHE SIGHS

Can someone help me with this knob?

Yeah, hi, I'm getting a very

expensive ring light delivered

this morning, and my mother

was supposed to wait in for it,

and now she's going out, so can you

be in to sign for it, please?

Yeah, because I'm paid

to be your concierge.

I've got a job, Amanda. Do you not

remember the old school hymn

"When I needed a neighbour,

were you there, were you there?"

But I'm not going to be there

because I've got a job.

Oh, my God, is that Miss Clacy?

Is that even legal

if she's your kid's PE teacher?

Goodbye, Amanda.

Oh!

You've seriously never

heard of a batonnet, Diego?

Yes, it's a carrot stick, you d*ck.

Oh, here she is! Hi, Amanda!

You know, I still can't believe

our two babbies are an item. Mm.

I'm like the Carole Middleton

to your Queen Camilla.

Anne, at least let me be Lady Di.

Listen, guys, guys - strap in.

Mega gossip download.

Mal is sleeping with Miss Clacy.

Hold on a sec.

Mal is shagging the PE teacher

from Haycroft? Yes.

Surely that's breaking a law?

That is exactly what I said.

I saw them yesterday

canoodling on my front doorstep.

Good for him. She's a ride.

Er, excuse me?

What? She is a ride!

I'm allowed to find

other women rides.

I mean, you said the other day you

thought Mishal Husain off the news

was a ride.

Oh, she IS a ride.

Sh, sh. Here he comes.

Don't say a word, Anne.

Mal, I never knew

you had a girlfriend.

I don't.

Well, what's all this we hear

about you and Miss Clacy?

Thank you, Amanda.

Siobhan's not my girlfriend. She

just stayed over a couple of nights.

Well, things must be getting

fairly serious

if you're at the

staying over stage.

Please no-one ever tell Anne

about chemsex parties.

Don't you think Miss Clacy

is a bit young for you, Mal?

She's nearly 30.

What's the big deal? I am single.

Oh, I remember the last day

I was single.

It was the 19th of April 1993.

The day I met Chris, yeah.

How old were you then? 13.

And before you ask, he was 11. Yeah.

But he actually had the energy

of a 12 and a half year old

so it wasn't that weird.

I'm actually dipping my toe in the

dating pond myself, as it happens.

Yeah, no, he's a property developer

from South Africa,

and he lives in Wapping now.

And, yeah, we've been

sliding into each other's DMs.

Well, you need to watch yourself

out there, Amanda. Yeah?

Because I've listened to

that podcast Sweet Bobby Oh, God!

Not everyone is a Tinder swindler.

I mean, if I was a frumpy Mary,

yeah, I would be suspicious,

but rich men fall for attractive

women all the time.

It's perfectly natural.

Watch out! Ball! Ooh!

LAUGHTER

It's the gift that keeps on giving.

You think that's clever?

Oh, lighten up, Anne.

Are you coming for a bacon sarnie

after, Mands?

Oh, Fi, I've got to go to

the DHL depot in Heathrow

to retrieve my ring light

before it gets sent back to China.

A ring light lights your ring,

right?

No, Fi. My mother was supposed to

be in when it was delivered

but she's just out now,

spunking my inheritance

on brunches and saunas and

God knows what else she gets up to.

I think it's great your mum's

got a social life.

Yeah, but she's really cagey

about it.

Well, maybe she's taken a lover too.

As if!

Why not? She's a handsome woman.

Oh, my God!

Do you think my mother is hot?

100%. Helen Mirren vibes.

Oh, that's funny. People often say

I'm like a young Mirren.

People often say I look like

a young Gloria Hunniford.

Oh, now that, I get.

No, wait, hang on, hang on. I just

need to get eyes on Darius. Hang on.

I've just installed a tracker

on him.

Oh.

Well, that's very FBI of you, Anne.

Well, look, it's dead easy.

I just took one of those Bluetooth

fobs and I sewed it into his jacket.

No, they're really great, those.

I've got one on my keys.

Where are my keys?

Nah. I'm not microchipping them

like they're cats.

You've got to trust your kid,

you know?

What if something awful

happens to Morten?

What if she falls down, like,

a manhole or something?

Anne, I've never heard of anyone

falling down a manhole.

Well, excuse me,

but I had a cousin who fell through

a trap door into a pub cellar

because they didn't lock it properly

after a Guinness delivery.

But he was given Six Nations tickets

as a compensation.

Anne, there is nothing in that story

I can relate to.

Fallowfoam Oil Balm.

Skin so soft.

Brandi Saxon Hand Serum.

Gorgeous texture, smells incredible.

Obsessed, obsessed, obsessed,

obsessed.

Posturefoam hand balm.

It's so nourishing.

And organic.

Smells so yummy, so hydrating.

Obsessed, obsessed, obsessed,

obsessed.

No, no, no, you take the gorge

and I'll take the castle.

Oh, God. Manus.

Are you looking where they're going?

Manus. Manus! Manus!

Darling, there is

a Kyiv for you and GanGan.

Will you help her

with the air fryer?

Because she won't have a clue

how to use it.

Oh, there you are!

You were supposed to be back

at 7.00, Mummy. I need to leave.

Well, I'm here now, aren't I?

Where have you been all day, anyway?

What is this,

the Spanish Inquisition?

Oh, God, it's been years

since I've been on a proper date.

Is it too much?

You look tiptop.

Now, two bits of advice.

Yeah?

One -

don't tell him you have kids.

Men run a mile.

I realised quickly that it was best

to keep that under my hat.

Me.

Me under your hat, Mummy.

And number two - check his

wedding ring finger for an indent.

He's not married, Mummy.

Darling, they never are.

HORN HONKS

That's my taxi. Wish me luck.

Bye, sweetheart.

Manus.

Manus. Manus? Manus, darling. Manus!

Manus!

Darling, how about I teach you to

mix a daiquiri this evening?

Oh!

Hi.

Howzit, Amanda from Sensuous?

SenUous.

And you must be Johannes

from Johannes Van Der Velde

Property Management Limited.

Ja. Look at you, girl.

Mm-mm! You ain't too bad yourself.

HE CHUCKLES

By the way, I can't believe you

booked us a table at Double Shin.

I was actually a guest of honour

at the soft opening a few weeks ago.

The owner's a dear, dear friend

of mine. Della Fry.

Ah, I've never heard of her.

I booked this place cos it was

the only restaurant in the area

that wasn't a chicken shop

or attached to a bowling alley.

Shall we?

Hi.

Hey.

Do you guys have a reservation?

Ja.

Van Der Velde at 7.30.

Is Della in tonight?

Ja. Della Fry is in every night.

I knew that.

Um, could we pop back and say hi?

If you just tell her it's Amanda.

No. Sorry, she's busy.

Oh, that's fine.

Hello!

Della! Della!

Hey.

She's so great.

OK.

Thank you so much.

Della! There she is!

Hello.

I'd love you to meet

Johannes.

I'm trying to seduce

your smoking hot friend.

Well, I'm sure that won't be hard.

Shall I show you to your seats?

What table are they at, Sandy?

Table 14.

Great, great. Which one's 14?

Toilet table.

Oh, yeah, good.

OK, follow me.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Thank you. This is lovely.

What do you want to watch? Saltburn?

Mm. OK.

Who wants a hotty choccy?

No. Go away.

Er, Georgina, you couldn't give me

a hand with my necklace, could you?

I had to take it off earlier

for my mammogram.

That's my mother's engagement ring.

I hope that one day Darius will

give it to his one true love.

It doesn't fit me any more

after my hands swelled

after having the twins.

Would you like to give it

a go there, Georgie?

Let's, erm, let's go

and play table tennis. Yeah.

Ah.

Saltburn?

Give it a go.

And a glass of the, erm,

Morgenhof Estate, please.

Thank you.

I actually went to school

with the guy who owns the vineyard,

Jonty Morgenhof.

Lovely.

Er, can I be honest with you?

Yes.

I was kind of worried

that you wouldn't look as hot IRL

as you do on your socials.

Like, you might be a total dog.

But you are insanely hot, Amanda!

Oh! And if this is all

tweaks and fillers, I don't care.

No, it's all au naturel-ish.

Thanks.

Erm, cheers!

Cheers!

Olive?

Nah.

I'm avoiding brine at the moment.

High blood pressure.

Oh.

Mm.

I saw you looking at my ring finger.

OK. Nosey birdy.

Tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet!

Drum roll, please.

What?

I said drum roll, please!

OK!

Tada! See, look - no ring!

OBJECT CLATTERS

Oh, sh*t, my wedding ring.

HE CHUCKLES I'm kidding!

It's my signet ring, Amanda.

I was winding you up!

Look, it goes on my pinky.

I'm not married, Amanda!

OK, OK!

And before you ask, no,

I don't usually DM pretty chicks

and no, I don't live with my mother.

I'm quite a simple guy.

I'm filthy rich, I never married,

I've never had kids.

Are you g*y?

THEY CHUCKLE

Girl, I just drove all the way

to South Harlesden

to kiss a total hottie.

Of course I'm not g*y.

Well who says we're going to kiss?

HE YELLS IN FRIGH

Oh!

Mother, go in!

Sorry, that's my mother.

Oh, my God!

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. That's so embarrassing.

I can see where you got your looks.

She must've been young

when she had you.

Shall we stop talking about

my mother?

Cos it's sort of k*lling the mood.

Ja.

PHONE RINGS

Sorry. I'm just going to

I will just put this on silent.

Sorry! There we go. Sorry.

Actually, I will

I should probably take it because

it might be about my daughter.

You have a kid?

Yes, erm, two.

Brilliant. I love kids.

What is it Anne?

Oh, hi.

Do you have eyes on Darius?

Because he was supposed to be

walking Georgie home,

and I'm looking on the tracker here,

and he's been out there

a good 15 minutes.

You wouldn't put my mind at rest and

just check any drains or manholes?

Oh, sh*t!

They're here, yes. Yes, he's here.

WHISPERS: Get down!

I'll send him home, Anne. Bye!

Do you think they saw us?

No ways.

They were too busy

playing tonsil hockey themselves.

I'm going to have to pretend

that you're my Uber driver

because I do not want my daughter

to know that OK, no problem.

I love a bit of role play.

Thank you, Uber driver.

Five stars.

You'd better give me a big tip.

HORN HONKS

All right, guys. Party's over.

Wait, Georgie,

what's that on your neck?

Oh, my God, is that a love bite?

Oh, please! Inside!

You can talk.

You were just making out

with a drug dealer.

Oh, my God! He's not a drug dealer.

If you must know, I was on a date.

And it's kind of casual, but, yeah,

he's really great, so

Erm, maybe we could go on

a double date together.

Yeah, that could be fun.

I was joking.

Yeah, no, so was I joking!

Darius, go home! Shoo!

Oh, somebody looks like the cat

that's got the cream.

WHISPERS: Sh, keep your voice down.

Kids.

I hope he didn't make you go Dutch

or something ghastly.

No, he was the perfect gentleman.

He paid for everything,

and he didn't mind that I had kids.

And no sign of a wedding ring,

so I think I hit the jackpot, Mummy.

Good for you.

Sex shouldn't stop

when you get older.

It's a very important part of life.

Right, can I use the ablutions

or is there another rush hour?

Just put the mat down, Mummy.

Love you too.

Bye.

Why would you want to suck

someone's neck till it gets bruised?

Oh, we all went through

the love bite phase.

It doesn't really last that long,

but God, it's intense.

You'll miss love bites

when they're gone.

It's like a reverse horror movie,

When the neck sucking stops,

what are they sucking next?

Here, how's your mum's back, Mands?

Fine. I mean, she's got scoliosis

from years of looking down

on people. Why?

She, er, cancelled brunch this

morning for an

emergency chiropractor appointment.

What?!

She told me she was going to

the V&A. She's so sneaky!

You know, I found a brand-new

pair of men's pyjamas

stashed under her bed. I think

it's great that she's getting laid.

Why is she keeping it a secret?

Maybe she doesn't want

everyone to know about it.

Speaking of which, how's it going

with your new boyfriend?

Anne!

Shut up! Maybe I don't want

everyone to know either!

But since you asked,

it's going really well, thank you.

Yeah, we're going up to

his penthouse tonight, actually.

Oh!

Look how big his balcony is!

Jeez!

The guy really likes his emojis.

Yeah. What's wrong with that?

I didn't say anything

was wrong with that.

Do you not send Miss Clacy emojis?

No! We just send each other

voice notes. Oh, God.

Yeah. I told you she's too young

for you. What?

It's just a phone call

that you do one side at a time.

So you guys are going proper steady

now? Have you told the kiddos?

No, because that would be crazy, Fi.

But at this rate,

it probably won't be long.

Have you told Ned

about Miss Clacy yet?

Noooooo!

You know, it's a very

loose arrangement,

and obviously she's his teacher.

Plus she's closer in age to Ned

than you.

Age ain't nothing but a number.

You know who wrote that song?

Yeah, I know.

Who wrote that song?

R Kelly.

Your Kelly wrote that?

Fair play to her.

And then he goes dancing round

the stately home

naked as the day he was born,

and I should know, because I was

there the day he was born. Yeah.

His mammy was on the same ward as

Sinead when she was having Michael.

So that's the second time now

I've seen Barry Keoghan's mickey.

Lads, look, sorry, I just

I wanted to introduce you

to the Irish contingent.

Hiya!

Hey!

Pat, this is Georgie.

How are you, Georgie?

Darius' lovely girlfriend.

You're all going to love her.

And, Georgie, this is Pat

Hiya!

..Lorraine

Hey, Georgie!

..Pat, and her husband Edgar.

Hiya.

And then there's Pat, Pat, Lisa,

Pat, and her daughter Saoirse

VARIOUS GREETINGS

..and that's my other sister, Pat

Hiya!

..and her husband Pat.

How are you going, Anne?

Oh! Finn! Eoin!

Do you want to talk to your aunties?

Right. I'll leave you to it.

Darius, we need to talk.

Drink in that view!

Ja.

Wow!

You can see all the way to the

Rotherhithe Tunnel

that takes the A101

under the Thames.

Ja!

Please.

Oh, God, it's so nice to share

this massive balcony with someone.

It's so peaceful.

Ja.

LOUD CLUNK, WHIRRING Christ!

Oh, that's just the air conditioning

unit for the building. OK.

SHOUTING: I'm so used to it

I don't even hear it any more.

Don't worry,

it doesn't last very long.

NORMAL VOLUME: See?

It's stopped now. OK!

SHE CHUCKLES

Champagne?

Oh, lovely. Thank you.

Where's Georgie?

She dumped me, Mum.

She what?!

I don't know what I did wrong.

AIR CONDITIONER WHIRS LOUDLY

Ah, this view is incredible,

isn't it?

AIR CONDITIONER STOPS

I love coming out here

and just forgetting all my problems.

Oh, that'd be nice.

You OK? Share your burden.

I'm a terrific listener.

Oh, no, it's just my mother. Yeah.

Ah, shame. Is she OK?

Yeah. She's been acting

really weirdly lately.

I mean, I think she's got

a boyfriend, but I just

I don't know why

she's not telling me, so

Very boring, sorry.

It's probably nothing at all.

No, no, look. I don't want to

put the shits up you -

I mean, I can think of some other

things I'd like to put up you -

but No, you're right

to be worried,

because my mother was actually

catfished back in Joburg.

Oh, my God!

She was actually catfished twice.

The first time she was catfished

was an actual catfish attack.

But the second time

she was catfished was by

a very naughty gentleman from the

internet Oh, gosh!

..who persuaded her to buy him lots

of gifts like expensive holidays

AIR CONDITIONER WHIRS LOUDLY

..AND A PATEK PHILLIPE WATCH.

SORRY?

A PATEK PHILIPPE WATCH.

DID YOU SAY WATCH?

JA! A PATEK PHILIPPE WATCH.

AIR CONDITIONER STOPS

The whole saga really knocked

my poor mother's confidence.

Elderly women are very vulnerable.

PHONE RINGS Oh.

Sorry.

That's OK.

I'll just be two seconds.

Anne, if this is about Darius

being outside my house,

I'm not there right now.

It's awful!

They've broken up.

Darius and Georgie. They've split.

Oh, God, Anne, you made it

sound like something really bad

had happened.

It is something bad!

Darius is in a terrible state,

and Georgie's probably heartbroken.

OK. Thanks for letting me know,

Anne.

Yep. Bye.

Sorry, it's fine.

Oh, lovely! Thank you.

Mm.

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

AIR CONDITIONER WHIRS LOUDLY

Oh, Christ!

I'M JOHANNES, I'M SORRY,

I JUST

I CAN'T RELAX.

I THINK I'VE GOT TO GO HOME.

YOU'RE GOING?

YEAH. I

IT'S MY DAUGHTER'S FIRS

PROPER BOYFRIEND,

AND I JUST FEEL LIKE I'VE GOT TO

BE HOME TO COMFORT HER.

WHAT?

LET'S DO LUNCH ON MONDAY.

I'LL CALL YOU.

OK!

I'LL CALL YOU.

Georgie, are you upstairs?

Oh, Morten!

Darling, it's all right.

I'm here now.

Sweetheart,

why didn't you answer your phone?

Ugh, Darius' mum called me,

like, 30 times, so I turned it off.

His mum was just really full-on.

She introduced Georgie to literally

his entire family.

God.

Sorry, did we mess up your date?

It wasn't a date. I'm not dating.

As long as you're all right.

Is it cool if Morten stays

for a sleepover?

Totes! Yeah. Just text your mums,

let them know you're here.

Oh, yeah, no.

Della knows where I am.

She has a tracking key ring on me

anyway. Oh!

But don't tell Fi

cos she will have a breakdown.

Can you leave now?

OK. I'll go.

Oh, Mummy, you're back!

How was your date?

Er it was cut short.

Georgie and Darius broke up, but she

seems surprisingly fine about it.

Well, women have to be resilient.

Right, just off for my bath.

How was your day?

Fine, yes.

How's your back?

Fine.

Although I look forward

to not sleeping on a sofa bed.

PHONE CHIMES

All right, big man, be good.

I'll see you in a bit, then.

MUSIC: Goodbye My Lover

by James Blunt

You all right Anne?

Not really.

I'm getting over a break-up.

God. No, not you and Chris?

No. No, no, no.

Darius and Georgie.

Oh!

It's my first experience

of being dumped.

I thought I did everything right,

you know.

I introduced her to all the Pats,

I shared our family recipes,

I insisted on her calling me

mammy

Whoa!

OK, no offence, Anne,

but that would make me run a mile.

Really?

Oh, God.

It wasn't him, it was me.

I'm the reason we broke up.

Erm I can fix this.

Yeah, OK,

I don't think the solution here

is for you to get more involved.

But maybe next time

Darius has a girlfriend,

you give them some space.

Absolutely. Yeah. Space. Yeah.

Oh, you're really good at this.

How's everything going with you

and Miss Clacy?

Oh

..I think I'm going to call it

a day. She's too young for me.

If this is cos of what the others

were saying,

just, like, don't listen to them.

She's too young for me.

She's too young for you. Yeah.

Move it! Action stations.

You're so late. Go, go, go!

Love you!

Have a wonderful day at work,

darling.

It's a co-lab.

Bye!

Hi, you OK?

Hi, Daniel.

Hiya. Erm, I'm going to be

a little bit late this morning.

What? Erm, something's happened

to my mother.

Well, what do you want me to do?

Er, God, I'm sorry Amanda! ..the

reception's absolutely appalling.

I'm going to have to

I need you to man the shop!

PHONE RINGS

Hi!

Hey, babe.

I'm just checking you like shrimp.

I'm putting together a little picnic

for our date later.

Oh, God! Erm, Johannes, er,

I'm so sorry,

I don't think I'm going to make it.

I've actually got to

go check on my mother.

Oh. OK.

Sure. Yeah, absolutely.

No, you should definitely

go and do that.

Erm, oh, wait, yeah.

Johannes, wait, listen,

er, Johannes er,

look, you are a great guy.

But honestly, between my mother

and my kids and my co-lab

and all the other sh*t

life's throwing at me,

I'm not sure I have the bandwidth

for a proper relationship.

Oh.

Shame.

Yeah.

No, I totally get it.

OK, great, well

Well, shall we put a pin in it

and maybe circle back

when things are a bit less crazy?

Ja. Ja, sure, sure.

OK, well, er,

listen, Amanda, you take care.

Bye, Johannes. All the best.

"All the best." Ouch.

Hello, Mummy.

Hello, Daddy.

Felicity!

No, darling. I'm Felicity.

This is Amanda.

Oh, yes. Of course you are.

Nice pyjamas, Daddy.

The driver says he's

two minutes away.

How did you even know I was here?

Because, Mummy,

I was worried about you,

so I put a tracker in your handbag.

Well!

Aren't you Magnum PI?

Are you going to tell me

why you've been seeing him?

Because I feel sorry for him, OK?

And because none of his other wives

ever visit him. And

Look, I know he could be

an absolute rotter at times

Yes, he left us, Mummy.

He was the love of my life, Amanda.

So what are you going to do?

Can I give you a lift?

AMANDA SIGHS

After you, Mummy.

SOBBING

Darius got with another girl.

Oh, George!

Only me! Who wants lemonade?

Yum! This is delicious, Mrs A.

Oh, don't be so formal.

Call me Mammy.

Listen, my darling. There's a reason

it didn't work out with this boy.

And one day, you'll meet someone,

and you'll fall completely

head over heels.

And it'll be worth it.

Because when you know, you know.

And if you don't know,

then he's not the man for you.

Thanks, GanGan.

Mm.

Mum, can we get some ice cream?

Course.

Mummy, that's so lovely of you to

say all that, and you're so right.

I felt exactly

No, not you.

No, at your age,

you need to take what you can get.

You're not a teenager.

No, after my divorce,

talk about slim pickings.

All the good ones were married.

All the single ones were weirdos.

Widowers were like hen's teeth.

You know, once you get into

your 60s,

the sex definitely picks up a bit,

but it's a barren,

barren desert until then.

Mummy, do you mind if I pop out

for an hour?

Oh, go for it.

JOHANNES: Yeah! Oh, my God Amanda,

your hands are so soft!

Ja! Oh, ja! Ja!