01x06 - Awards

[bunniefuu]

Right! Johannes. Don't forget

your aftershave

and anti-snoring nasal strips.

Thank you, Buki.

And your athlete's foot spray.

Ah, yeah.

It really flared up

under my bandage.

But I guess if

you get a fungus hot and damp,

you're going to have issues, eh?

THEY LAUGH

I'm not going to miss sharing

a bathroom with four people,

but I'm really going to miss you.

Oh! I'm going to miss you, too!

But if you will live on the other

side of London

Actually, Amanda -

I got you a little surprise.

Oh! As a thank you for looking

after me while I was recovering

from my w*r wound.

Johannes, it was a snake bite.

That snake went to w*r with me,

Amanda.

It wanted me dead.

Hmm

Ta-da!

Oh

Oh! Oh, my God, Johannes!

Yah. It's a hybrid - like us.

Cos I love petrol

and you love electric.

And look, look, look.

It's got a personalised

number plate.

It says, "Sensuous."

Yeah, it does!

But my business is "Senuous".

I don't see what you're saying.

Oh, I don't want to be difficult,

but it's got too many 5s.

It should be 5-E-N-U-0-U-5.

Well, you have to disguise some

of the letters as numbers because

No, I know that, sweetheart,

but you've done 5-E-N-5-U-0-U-5.

And it should be 5-E-N-U-0-U-5.

Amanda, I'm confused. Do you want

the car or not? YES!

I love I love I love it!

CAR REVS

You know when people say,

"It's like watching a car crash

in slow motion"?

This is what they mean.

Johannes bought her that.

Apart from the fact I'm

a massive l*sbian,

I do not understand what she

sees in that huge plate of gammon.

Yeah. I think we were

all rooting for the snake.

FI LAUGHS

Eh-up, here she comes. Hi!

Hi, Georgie!

What's with the wristbands?

I dunno.

RSI? Too much texting?

Nice wheels, Amanda! Yeah.

Little thank you from Johannes for

being his sexy Florence Nightingale.

Christ. No-one ever tell him

the going rate for a nurse?

What's the price tag on that thing?

I didn't ask, and I don't care.

PHONE BUZZES

It's a very lovely gift.

Diego. 98 grand.

Fi!

I said I didn't care.

Is it six figures with the sunroof?

Yeah.

Hi! Hey, hey, hey! Hey, Anne!

Great news, you guys!

The Bierkeller says he'll do us

a keg of Hoppy Seconds at cost.

Oh, that's great. Yeah. What's this?

Oh, we're just trying to organise

the end-of-season awards party

for the club. Oh.

Last year was such a blast,

so we're going for the same again.

So, keg of beer, bit of a barbecue,

Mal and Ned's famous disco.

Anne, no. Come on.

Surely we can aim a little

higher that.

That's all the subs will cover,

sadly.

We're not exactly

Tottenham's Hotspur.

How are you a coach?

Well, if it's a money issue,

we might be able to lend a hand.

The royal "we"? Johannes and I.

If you don't mind making

a little donation

Sure we wouldn't say no to

some cava and a bucket of Haribo.

Anne, that's not how you spend

money.

Oi! Posh Spice!

You've blocked me in!

It's fine. "Sensuous"?!

Move it or I'll slash your tyres!

Actually, I'm going to move it.

It's actually "Senuous"!

The middle S is a 5.

PHONE RINGS

SHE SIGHS

Mummy. I'm mid co-lab. I know.

I'm actually in the market for,

um, a fizzy tap.

You've got a fizzy tap.

Look, if you're bored, why don't you

give Fi a call, see if she's around?

I'm not bored.

I'm just thinking of you,

all cooped up in your showroom.

And I was thinking,

you're looking a bit

Thin? ..tired.

You've got bags under your eyes.

Well, I'm fine.

Thank you. Amanda! OK.

I've gotta go, Mummy.

Yes?

SHE CLEARS HER THROA

Amanda, can you do a delivery for me

to east London?

Do I look like a postman, Daniel?

Look, it's 500 quid's worth of taps

and they've asked for you by name.

Who orders £500 worth of taps?

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah!

Oh, man.

Worth every penny.

The taps! I'm talking about the taps

I ordered. Johannes!

Sorry, I just missed this so much.

Listen, Johannes.

Um, I was wondering if you thought

it'd be fun to sponsor

the kids' football awards this year?

Just cos it's such a deprived area

and, um

Yeah, sure.

Really? Yeah. Oh!

Oh, they'll be thrilled.

Could be a nice little, uh,

send-off.

A what? Well, I've been thinking

about your living situation.

And, er

Oh, my God! Johannes, you've bought

me a house?!

SHRIEKS: Oh, my God!

I haven't bought you a house,

Amanda.

I've only just bought you a car!

HE LAUGHS Oh!

Greedy birdy! No, these

are the keys are to THIS place.

I thought you and the kids might

like to move in. Oh!

There's tons of space,

got a bathroom each.

The guy upstairs lives in Singapore,

and the guy downstairs had his

assets frozen, so talk about quiet.

Yeah. And look at the view.

You know we get seals here?

What about the kids' schools?

Oh, I'll just pay for St Anthony's.

It's much better than the dump

they're at now.

God, that's so kind.

Can I think about it?

Yeah, of course. It's a big step.

Yes! For both of us! Yes!

50 years a bachelor and I'm

throwing my keys around willy-nilly.

What have you done to me, Amanda?

I've lost my bloody mind.

Johannes, can we? Let's not say

anything to the kids just yet.

Just I need to find the right

time to talk to them about it.

Anything for milady.

Oh, hey, hey, hey, look, look!

Look, a seal!

Oh, wow! Look at the little fella.

Awww! Ha-ha!

Oh, wait, wait.

No, it's a

It's a tyre.

Oh.

Yes, so we'll just wait a couple

more minutes until we have everyone

and then Sorry I'm late.

Here she is. Mad day at my co-lab.

Budge up, Anne. Sorry, Amanda, I'll

get out of your way.

OK! Right, let's get started.

Great. OK.

So, um, I think you all know Amanda,

who has very kindly offered to

sponsor this year's event.

Namaste, guys. I'm just glad

we can give something back.

So I think we can all

agree that, like,

last year's party was pretty

awesome, so, as the old saying goes,

you know, "If it ain't broke, don't

go tinkering with the original."

I just think we've had

a terrific year as a club

and it's time we had a bit more

pride in ourselves.

You know, we could, like, park the

barbecue and get a caterer in.

Oh, I could do my sausage rolls!

Because there ain't no party like

an Anne's sausage party.

No, thank you, Anne. No.

We are getting professionals in.

Can you see if the people who

did my 40th birthday are available?

They've gone out of business.

In a year? Well, that was actually

five years ago,

because you're forty fi I'm

thinking photo booth,

churros machine, um

I'm spitballing here, guys.

A mixologist. Professional DJ.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, come on!

The only reason I got involved with

any of this football sh*t

is so me and Ned can DJ the party.

OK, Mal. Sure.

Though, it isn't all about you.

Can I just get some plain old cava?

I'm not great with the c*ck.

It mixes together

fine in the metal thingy,

but once it hits my colon, it's

like the rapids in Center Parcs.

Fine, we'll get some cava.

Great. Yeah.

Well, that's sorted, then!

I will call my friend

at Bluebird and get him started

on the c*ck design.

And you call the churros people.

That was a really brilliant idea.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's great to see her back

to her old self.

She's had a bit of a crappy year,

so maybe just let her have

this one thing.

That's what they said about Poland.

Yeah. So we just need

Mika, to the left.

No, your other left.

Actually. Sorry. No, I was right.

To the left.

Right, right.

Yeah. No, I didn't order cava.

That stuff tastes like fizzy piss.

You'll have to send it back

and knock it off the bill, yeah?

Yeah. That's it, that's it,

that's it.

Just put it just there.

Would you look at this?

It's like the New York Mets Gala

in here.

That's two different things,

Anne, but, yeah.

Love the banner. Mm.

Johannes got that printed.

Such a nice thought.

Look, I know you said not to,

Amanda, but I made some of my famous

sausage rolls, just in case.

They're not famous, Anne.

They are in my house. Yes.

That's not what "famous" means.

Let's leave the catering

to the caterers, shall we?

OK, everyone, all hands on deck!

Make the body move ♪

Ah, yeah!

THEY LAUGH

Sorry, er, what does

an Off-side Mule have in it?

It's a Moscow Mule. Oh,

that's very good.

And the, um, the Pina Red-Carda?

It's a Pina Colada.

Oh, that's very clever.

Hey. Bleurgh!

Huh! Someone's on it.

WHISPERS: I have to tell Fi

the business is going under.

What, here?

Yep. Safety in numbers.

And coming out to my parents

taught me that I require

a very specific amount of alcohol

before I reach a place

of complete honesty.

What's the amount?

Oh, it's a very delicate balance.

The trick is to stop just south

of vomiting.

Hmm.

Did you decide on a c*ck?

Oh, no.

Could I please have a glass of cava?

We haven't got cava. What? Hey!

Could I get a SoHa Moja

and a Golden Baller

for Mr Van der Velde, please?

Amanda, you forgot my cava.

Yes. Johannes sent it back.

He says it's not a proper drink,

Anne.

It's just Spain pretending

to be France.

Have something else.

Come on, be adventurous!

And for you? Just a beer, please.

Sorry, we ain't got beer tonight.

It's just c*ck.

The Aussie guy said so.

JOHANNES: Welcome. This must be your

beautiful wife or girlfriend.

I don't know. Oh, yeah. Because

football fans famously hate beer.

Come on! You can have your tinnies

and your cheap bubbles any time.

Let's keep it classy for one night.

I'm trying to raise the bar here.

Literally.

Thank you, Jude.

MUSIC PLAYS

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

Oh!

Mummy, look at you.

Are you staying?

Well, the kids virtually begged me,

and so I jiggled a few things

around in the diary. Oh, that's

great.

Georgie, take the wristband off.

You look like Andy Murray.

I like it - it's cool.

It doesn't go with the dress,

darling.

Well, neither did

your plaid shirts and chokers,

but we let it go.

Actually, Mummy, I'm glad I've

got you. What, generally, or?

Don't say anything to the kids,

but Johannes has asked us to move

into his place in Wapping.

Well, that's a very kind offer.

Yeah, he's so generous,

and he worships me.

But I don't know if it feels like

things are moving too fast or

Well, sometimes you have to move

fast, don't you?

I mean, you're not getting

any younger.

Well, none of us are.

I think my dermatologist

would disagree.

Look, I know I pretended

to like this place.

You haven't. Wapping is the new

Holland Park.

I'm so excited.

Good for you, darling.

Thank you, Mummy. Please welcome to

the stage

Oh! It's starting. Get yourself a

drink.

Good evening, everyone.

Thank you so much for coming.

We've got lots to get

through this evening.

Lots of awards to give out.

Could I have a Goal Fashioned

without the bitters

or the soda water?

That's just a whisky. Yeah.

Three of those - in one glass.

Well, it's been a very positive

season for the under-11s.

Our unbeaten record in ten

of our 18 games.

Thanks.

FI COUGHS

Christ! What the hell's in that?

Oh, that that might be mine.

Here.

Oh, my God, is that a tattoo?

It's just pen. Chill. Pen, my hole.

That is a prison tattoo.

Have you seen that?

It's not a big deal.

Please tell me Georgie hasn't

got one. Yeah, of course.

We're best mates.

FI LAUGHS

TONY: Please put your hands together

for

..JJ. Woo!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come on!

And now for the most improved

award

..the award for

the Most Improved Player.

The most improved player joined us

at the beginning of the season

and has quickly become an absolute

lynchpin of the team.

I can't wait to see what she does

next season.

So let's put our hands together

for Georgie Hughes.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, my God!

WHOOPING

Johannes, move This is my own

creation.

I call it the Van der Velde

Slammer.

Georgie's up. Johannes, sit down.

Please, sit down.

Georgie! And well done, Georgie.

Up next, it's the under-15s

category.

Didn't get my photo! Sophie Webster.

Come up and collect the award

for Player of the Year.

CHEERING

Congratulations, Sophie. Right,

let's crack on.

Finally, please welcome our club

secretary, Anne.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come on, Anne!

Last but not least, um,

a huge thank you to our sponsors

Ah, you're welcome!

d*ck without whose generosity

tonight would be so different.

Um, a great big round of applause

for Amanda.

Yes! Thank you.

Come on! Come on, come on.

There she is. All right, my baby!

Woo! Thanks, everyone.

Wow, that is a lot of dewberry

goodness.

Um

Thank you, of course,

to Anne for, um

Uh

Thanks, Anne. Um

So, on behalf of the Van der Velde

Senuous Foundation,

I just want to

say what a privilege it is to

support the little guys,

you know, because, um, we might

be up here, but

..we never forget about down there.

So, um, have a great evening

and enjoy the party.

All right, baby! That's my Amanda!

Thank you. Thanks, Anne.

Oh!

Whoa, baby

Hey Did I say?

Ooh Whoa, baby

Hey

Oh, be

Oh, I'll bring you flowers ♪

Hey. Hey. Uh, listen, I was

wondering, could you play me

a little bit of Rick Astley?

I don't think I have any.

Well, maybe you could just plug

your phone in or something.

I'm more of a vinyl guy, you know?

Old-school DJ.

Yeah. Well, maybe you could make

an exception, seeing as I'm paying

for all this.

Yeah, right. I'll, uh

I'll stick it on after this for you.

Rick Astley, yeah?

Rick Astley, yeah.

What does she see in that dickhead?

Oh, you know, she seems happy,

and I think she's really into him.

I don't know about you, but I can't

drink another Crossbar-gerhita.

I'm going to sneak out, get some

beers.

Anyone want anything?

Ah! Now you're talking my language.

No, we can't, because Amanda

will k*ll us.

She wants everything all fancy

in here.

Well, if you can't drink it in here,

there's always the shipping

container out the back.

Yes, mate! Cava! Two bottles.

I have money. Sh!

Woo!

Georgie! Woo!

Sweetheart, come on.

It'll be like when the Beckhams

do it. Here. No.

OK, well, just take

the wristband off.

No, it's cool.

Just for the photo.

You won't want to look back

on yourself in sports casual.

Oh. OK.

There we go. There we go.

See, darling, like this. Like

this. Put your hands like this.

There we

OMG, is that a tattoo? No.

AMANDA GASPS

Only a little one. Me and Morten did

them to each other.

Why would you do that?

Because we're best mates.

No, you're not.

You're two kids who ended

up in the same class for a bit.

You're going to look at that scab

of hepatitis in a few years,

and you're going to say,

"What was I thinking?"

No, I won't. You will, Georgie.

I don't know anyone

from when I was your age.

What does that tell you?

That nobody likes you?

LAUGHTER

Oh, here she is. Yes!

Keep the noise down. Come on, Fi!

Bubbles for Anne. Gasping for this.

I'm gasping!

And we've got beers for boys.

CORK POPS

Oh. She's lively.

Sh!

Sorry. I'll get you a glass, man.

FI AND ANN: Cheers.

I just wanna tell you

how I'm feeling

Gotta make you understand

Never gonna give you up

Never gonna let you down ♪

Oh!

Someone needs to be filming this.

Where's Anne?

Can I say - you look insanely

hot tonight.

I sent, like, five photos

of you to my rugby mates'

WhatsApp group and they all agree

you're a stone-cold ten.

The place looks great.

You've really polished the turd.

Speaking of which, there's a great

new sports centre in Wapping.

I know, no pressure.

Yeah, can I get, like, an empty

wine glass, please?

Thank you.

There you are. I've been looking

for you guys.

Hey!

Um I was just getting some ice.

Oh! It's hot work spinning

the old ones and twos.

Have you seen everyone?

Where's Anne?

We gotta get the whole g*ng

in the photo booth. Yeah!

Come on. I'm not sure where

It'll be so good. I know.

Well, me and you, then?

Come on. Upstairs, Downstairs.

THEY LAUGH

It's such a fun party, isn't it?

Oh, it's so fun.

Oh, he's so generous, isn't

he, Johannes?

Yeah. He really knows how to spend

money on things.

Yeah.

You ready? Yeah. OK.

Do you remember the thing you said

in the hospital about me

being too good for Johannes?

I don't remember saying anything.

I, uh I had just taken an ecstasy

by accident.

Oh. Kind of. And, uh, I should,

um

Yeah, yeah. No, I, uh

Ooof! That really does taste

like cappuccino.

I hate the way she talks

to me like I'm a kid.

Yeah, I know, babe.

It really annoys me.

Oh! What's up, sweetheart?

Mum's pissed off because me

and Morten got, like,

the tiniest tattoo.

Oh, like she can talk.

What? Look, I think it's really

lovely to have a little memento.

A little something to

remember, um Morten.

..Morten by at your new school.

New school? What?

Oops. Gan-Gan, what's going on?

No, it's not for me to say.

Hey, guys. Dope 'fits, for real.

Um, have any of you guys seen

Morten's mum or your mum, Darius?

Not for a bit, actually. Sorry.

OK, cool, cool.

Gucci. Um Well, enjoy

yourselves, yeah?

Gucci?!

SLURPING Anne?

Guys?

SLURPING

LAUGHTER

AMANDA: Guys? Anne?

SHE WHISPERS: sh*t. It's Amanda.

Just Sh!

I feel like I'm in The Walking Dead.

What are you doing in here?

Why aren't you at my party?

It's not YOUR party, doll.

It's it's the club's party.

Yeah, I'm just not very c*ck

and canopies.

Canapes. Exactly.

See, I don't even know that.

And in fairness, we did say

we wanted something a bit

more low key.

Great.

At least we know where we all stand.

And next year, you can

have your trough of lager

and your Scotch eggs

because I won't be here.

Don't be like that.

No, I won't be here, Anne.

I'm moving to Wapping with Johannes.

What?!

No, you're not.

You can't move to Wapping.

What about everything here? Please,

Anne, this was always a stopgap.

I do not belong in South Harlesden.

I should be among people

who would appreciate this party.

I'm a canape person, Anne, and I

refuse to spend my life

amongst sausage rolls.

Ow! f*cking hot! Johannes!

Yes. Yes, what?

Yes, I will move to Wapping with

you. Oh, you

You will?! Yeah. Oh, my God!

I'm so f*cking happy!

I love this woman!

I bloody love this woman!

Mwah!

I'm going to call my mother.

She'll be so relieved!

Um, coming back inside, Anne?

Uh, yeah

I can't go in there.

I don't want to see her.

Would you tell Darius I'll be

waiting outside?

Yeah, of course.

I hate her.

It's not fair. She's already made us

move school once.

I just love it here.

Oh, girls. You OK?

What's wrong? My gan-gan said Mum's

moving us to Wapping,

and I don't want to go.

It sucks. But your mammy loves you.

And she wouldn't be doing this

unless she thought

it was good for you.

And sometimes in life, we have to do

things that people don't like,

because in the long run,

it's the right thing to do

..even if people might hate you

for a bit.

MUSIC PLAYS

God's sake!

That's miles away!

MICROPHONE FEEDBACK

Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen.

If I could just get a minute

of your time, please.

To be honest, I can do

because I paid for all this.

HE CHUCKLES

Um

Amanda! Where's Amanda?

Amanda?

Amanda? Amanda!

There she is. Amanda, come up, girl.

Come up.

Come up here, baby.

What is this?

What's going on?

Now, I know we haven't known

each other for very long at all,

but when you've had a near-death

experience like I had recently

..it makes you realise

what's important about life.

So

GASPS

What have you done to me?

HE LAUGHS

I hardly ever do this.

What are you going to do?

Amanda? Yes?

Would you do me the honour

of becoming my wife?

Um

DOOR OPENS Don't do it, Amanda!

Anne? No, no, no, no, no

Absolutely not. What the f*ck?

You can't marry him. What?

I know you don't want to hear this

because he's rich

and he has a nice flat.

It's a penthouse. It's a penthouse.

But as your best friend,

it is my duty to tell you things

that you might not want to hear.

And I'm telling you this right now.

You cannot marry him.

You're too good for him.

You're not my best friend, Anne.

Yes, I am. No, you're not.

My best friend is called Elizabeth,

and she lives in Canada.

She was my maid of honour.

Oh, well, I don't see her here now,

Amanda,

stopping you from making the biggest

mistake of your life!

We ARE best friends, whether you

like it or not.

And that's how I know

you don't love him.

And don't go telling me,

"Oh, he makes me happy,"

because you have half a sausage roll

on your chin. And if you eating

carbs isn't a cry for help,

then I don't know what is.

So, please don't marry this d*ck

and don't leave SoHa,

for the love of God.

Right. Well, if the drunk lady's

finished with her floor show, then,

uh I'm not even drunk!

Thanks to you.

Well, if this is you sober, madam,

then you are an embarrassment.

Hey.

Don't talk to her like that. OK.

OK. Look, I'll make it really simple

for you, right?

You know the life I can give you.

Now, do you want that life?

Or would you rather stop here,

drinking sh*t wine

in the arse end of nowhere?

CAR ENGINE STARTS

Here you go, darling.

JOHANNES: You know what, Amanda?!

All the best!

I know. He closed the tab.

I had to go to something

called a Londis.

Urgh.

I would have said yes.

But look where that gets you.

I'm so proud of you, darling.

Your mascara's smudged.

I can't drink this filth.

I'm sure I saw a bottle

of peach schnapps in there.

SHE GROANS

I need to talk to you right now.

Oh, OK.

Should we? No, no, no. Right now.

Right

Bleurgh!

OK. What the f*ck is?

We're screwed.

I borrowed too much for Double Shin,

and it's taken out both Shins.

I've tried everything,

but the numbers just don't add up.

SHE GULPS

So, yeah. We're screwed.

Good. What?

I've barely seen you smile

in the last two years.

In fact, I've barely SEEN you

in the last two years.

No, I want all the success in the

world for you, darling,

but if it's not making you happy

and this means that I might get

you back, then

..just let it go.

We'll be OK.

I can just start selling

my ceramic pots.

SHE VOMITS

Yeah, could be an emcee.

Anne?

I just wanted to say, um

..your sausage rolls

are actually delicious.

I know.

She's right, you know.

Well, no, Elizabeth was my best

friend.

But with the distance, we sort

of No, not that.

You are too good for him.

Are you coming, big man?

Yep.

Ned.

There is space in the popemobile if

you want a lift back to my house.

My house! Well, I'm 34,

and you're 34A, so, uh

Mummy, kids, come on,

we're going home.

Mum, have you got a tattoo?

What?

I didn't tell her.

Well, thanks a lot, Mummy.