18x05 - How to Create a Monster

[bunniefuu]

Cleggy, Cleggy! Aargh!

THUMP

I thought it was you, Cleggy.

Oh, you're right, Howard. It's me.

All a bloke needs when
he's balancing books on a bicycle
is an attack of Howard.

I-I didn't mean to startle you.

Why were you leaping out of ambush,
then ?

I need a bicycle, Clegg.

Well, I probably do, now.

I had mine confiscated.

Again? Doesn't this mark a crisis
in your marriage, Howard?

Oh!

I was wondering...

if you could leave your bicycle...

you know, propped up casually,
outside the house.

This is not the kind of bicycle
you go visiting strange women on.

Don't know what you mean. I just
fancied a ride in the fresh air.

THIS...
is a well-brought-up bicycle.

CREAK

When are you coming round?
Round where?

Here. My place.

Why would anybody ever do that?

Right. I'll move into yours.

Why don't you shut your big window?

I don't want to get technical, but
Wally left you to me in his will.

My Wally?

It were his last wish. "Look
after her," he said. "Make sure
she gets plenty of exercise."

That was his pigeon.

You know, I wondered
why he left me that bag of corn.

Oh... Yes? Winter courses.
Further education.

What about it? I'd like to know
what courses are available.

This is a full list for our coming
season. Ah. Can I take one?

That's what it's for.

Is it free? Yes.

Look, I was...

Oh, I... Yes? I think
I can fill a gap for you here.

Have you anything on military
tactics? Only what's on the list.

I don't want to take the course.
I want to teach it.

I can offer escape and evasion,
bayonet fighting, infiltration
behind enemy lines, unarmed combat.

It's the glasses.
You do remind me of someone.

Was your father a Japanese sn*per?

Hop it!

But she does! It's the glasses.

If you don't believe me,
try her in a steel helmet.

Ask her to stand like this.

Stay there.

Aaaaargh!

Good grief, it's pathetic!

Use the pole, Smiler. It's not
allowed. The man lacks aggression.

He seems all right for speed,
though.

I hate to see chaps in uniform
behaving like that.

Old ladies show more spirit.

Old ladies?
That's another tough mob.

He lacks self-confidence.

He needs to be taken in hand.
He needs to be trained mentally.

Tha can't train a dollop
like Smiler. It's too late.

It's never too late for an NCO.

I trained Monty, didn't I?

Field Marshal Montgomery?

Well, no, another Monty.
But when I'd finished,
you couldn't tell them apart.

Smiler's not ideal material.

Smiler's not just
short of aggression. Smiler's
short of everything. Except legs.

He's got legs like a chuffin' camel.

He nearly trod on my ferrets.

Have you got everything?

Feels like I've got
more than you have now.

You've got an eye for a bargain.
I came in for a look round.

It was all a blur.

What's wrong with you?

It's getting so this job
needs protective clothing.

Funny you should say that.
I've got reductions
on protective clothing.

These coincidences are amazing.

Makes you think there must be
a purpose behind everything.

If I can train men
to lose their fear in combat,
I'm sure I can train a civilian.

I remember when I lost
my fear of combat. When?

When I was demobbed.

I always felt like a target
in uniform.

I was at my best in uniform.

I enjoyed
working for George the Sixth.

I always felt that being in uniform

was like advertising that you were
available for being shot at.

I've never been afraid of much.

Except work.

Tha can't go chasing Nora Batty
if tha's of a nervous disposition.

That's true.

Right. Subject - Smiler.
Action to be taken.

Under proper leadership, a man
can be trained to face anything.

You wouldn't think so
if you tried to pursue a claim
through some insurance companies.

I don't believe in insurance.

We can see that
just by looking at those trousers.

Fact is, Clegg, I could train you
to overcome your deepest fears.

I have to warn you
that I'm very good at deep fears.

Which is your worst one?
What's your worst nightmare?

What causes you
to wake up in a cold sweat?

Auntie Wainwright.

Don't be loitering.

Coming. It isn't easy,
walking in these.

Careful.
I know where everything is.

I know where my money is.
It's in your till.

It'll be very well looked after.

It's probably against regulations
to wear these.

Are you going to let regulations
rule your life?

Show a bit of independence, lad.

Talk about nimble!
No wonder we never saw you
dancing with Ginger Rogers.

Good job you were wearing
protective clothing.
Money well spent.

I'll cure you
of this Auntie Wainwright thing.

Just keep repeating to yourself,
"I can do this. I CAN do this."

I can't do this. I CAN'T do this.

See, that's where you go wrong.

Where I go wrong is,
she costs me money.

Don't worry. When tha cash
runs out, she don't give credit.

You won't be buying anything.
You won't be parting with any cash.

Just listen to what I tell you.

You go into Auntie Wainwright's,
you look round, and you come out
without buying anything.

You'll wonder
why you were ever scared of her.

I'm scared of her because she's
dynamite. Only if you let her be.

If you meet her determination with
your own determination... Ey-up.

A crackpot's coming straight at us.

Not if we meet him
with sufficient determination.

Face the fool down.

No, this is the wrong attitude. You
are not in the right frame of mind.

You've got to be OUT of your mind
to go into Auntie Wainwright's.

All right, look, just stand there.

No, not like that. Stand to
attention. Smarten yourself up.

ATTEN-SHUN!!

Not you. Don't put any more strain
on those trousers. They're OK.

Me trousers
are always standing at ease.

Look, Clegg, listen to me.

You...are a man of steel.

Steel?! Absolutely. A man of steel.

Couldn't we start with something
more like plastic? A man of steel.

Ey-up, Norman Clegg -
a man of steel!

It's all in the mind.

You make your mind up, you can
go in there and come out without
buying a thing. Tha can do it.

Remember,

man of steel.

Man...of...steel.

ECHOING TANNOY:
'Stop! Who are you?'

Man of steel!

Norman Clegg. 'Don't move.
Keep your hands in your pockets.

'These premises are protected by
every tricky device known to man.'

You think I'm kidding about
tricky devices. Pick something up.

Er... Go on, lift something up.

Isn't it dangerous?

Only to customers.

What can we do for you? Nothing.
Absolutely nothing. No, no, no.

I-I was just looking around. Oh?

Man of steel?

It's working. He's doing it.
Normally, he'd be out by now.

And it's all down to thee.

Foggy,
tha's a great leader of men...

and similar pillocks.

You know, Field Marshal Montgomery
once said that to me.

He said, "Dewhurst," he said,
"You are a natural leader of men."

He were in the desert.

I thought tha were in the jungle.

Er...w-well...our paths crossed
on a secret mission about which
I'm not permitted to speak.

Tha does talk some fanny, Foggy.

Think what you like, but I've
made a difference with Clegg.

Normally, he wouldn't be in there
all this time.

I think Clegg is in there
with Field Marshal Montgomery

on a secret mission
that he can't even talk about.

You didn't
let her talk you into...?

Good job I'm a man of steel
or I'd have bought BOTH wardrobes.

Get it back in. What?
Get it back in, now.

Tell her you don't want a wardrobe,
you want your money back. Money
back?! From Auntie Wainwright?!

You can do it.
Go on. Go in and do it.

Norm, this is your finest hour.

Good luck, son.

He just has to put his mind to it.

Man of steel?

You were supposed to take your
wardrobe back, not buy another one.

She knocked eight per cent off for
buying them both. How much is that?

I don't know. Do I look
like somebody who knows
what eight per cent is?

What are you going to do
with two wardrobes? That's what
I said to Auntie Wainwright.

What did she say?
She said I was absolutely right.

What I needed was a dressing table
to go with them. I got out fast.

I ashamed of you, Clegg.

Oh, I'm not doing so bad.

I'm improving. Not doing so bad?

She let me have the barrow at cost.

Don't tell your mother. I know
you're close, but don't tell.

She'll see it.
I'll drop you along the street.

I can't keep secrets
from my mother. Why shouldn't
she know we've got a new car?

Because she'll tell your father.
He'll want to tinker with it.

But he's good with cars.
He's good with OLD cars.

Nature designed him
for old bangers.

My mother will be pleased.

But he's m*rder with new cars.

He pokes about and alters things.

You can't insure against
risks like your father.

I admit I failed with Clegg,
but Clegg is beyond human aid.

Flatterer[!] I won't fail with
Smiler. See what training can do.

That man!

When you've finished here, report
to me at Clegg's. That's an order.

What does Clegg want
with two wardrobes?

I knew some fool would ask that.

Sorry I'm late.

Didn't Barry give you a lift?
He dropped me along the street.

Married men do that. When you're
courting, they take you to the door.

He'd have done so if I'd asked.
What was the hurry for?
He's not in a hurry.

There's something going on
if they're in a hurry.
It's a sign they're up to no good.

I always confiscate his bicycle.
That slows him down.

Barry's not in a hurry. We agreed
he'd drop me along the street.

You never told me.
About what?

About this rift in your marriage.
There's no rift in me marriage.

Oh, she's being brave. You've got
to admire her for being brave.

Have you thought of separate beds?

Sometimes it works wonders -
separate beds.

Er...so they say.
It was never an option in our day.
The double bed was compulsory.

It wasn't so bad for those
who had the foresight
to marry somebody small.

Mine would love to try
another bed...given the chance.

I don't want separate beds.
My Barry is wonderfully
comforting under a duvet.

Hang your coat up!

You see, you don't need these.
These are defensive.

You've got to stop thinking
defensively. Show aggression.

How much aggression? Well,
as much as the situation requires.

I'm not good at aggression.
Just the type I'm looking for. Does
he want to buy a wardrobe? Bog off.

He will be by the time
I'm finished with him.

There you are. There's your enemy.

It's a scarecrow.

There's no fooling our Smiler.

Don't say that.
I'm hoping to sell him a wardrobe.

Yes, a scarecrow. For the purposes
of this exercise, it's your enemy.

I want you to think "enemy".

Some nasty, vicious nine-year-old.

Could we start with the eights?

There he is, Smiler. Not eight,
not nine, but some nasty, vicious
adult specimen you'd like to k*ll.

Her that works at t'Social Security.

I don't know that there's anybody
I'd want to k*ll. Everyone's
got someone they want to k*ll.

People who play loud music.

Whoever sells Nora
them wrinkled stockings.

Look, there must be someone.

I mean, you're a normal human being.
Well, more or less.

There must be people you'd like
to k*ll. Me ex-wife's solicitor.

There you are, then.
Your ex-wife's solicitor.

She even got half me cuff-links.

Go on. Your ex-wife's solicitor
is after your cuff-links.

He's about to strike you.
Come on, defend your last cuff-link.

Sure you didn't tell your mother?

I didn't tell her.
I feel awful, but I didn't tell her.
It were like telling lies.

I daren't let your father
near this car.

She wanted to know why you
dropped me along the street.

She thinks you're up to no good.
She thinks you're having an affair.

That's all right, then. As long
as she doesn't know about this car.

He's getting into the swing of it.

It's your ex-wife's solicitor!

And that insurance bloke what stole
the affections of Lydia Betts.

That's right. That's him.
That'll teach him to sell me
all that fire insurance.

I never knew
he fancied Lydia Betts.

No wonder he needed fire insurance.

Who's next? Who's going next?

You see? What a transformation.

There's about to be another
transformation. Here's a tractor.

The bloke who owns the scarecrow.

Nice day.

Just don't get in my way.

It's the new me.
I'm a lethal weapon.

Smiler? I'll give you Smiler!

From now on,
it's Captain Catastrophe!

What rubbish! He's overdoing it.

I think you may have
created a monster here.

It's all bluff. In no time,
he'll be back to being a pussycat.

When I train them,
they stay trained. Ey-up!

There's Howard and Marina.

Don't embarrass them.
He's in trouble.
Had his bicycle confiscated.

He likes to have his leg pulled.

The gentlemanly thing would be to
pretend we hadn't seen them. True.

Ey-up! It's Howard and Marina!

I was just showing this young lady
where she might find a cowslip.

Not everyone knows that.
He's a man of wide local knowledge.

Isn't that the tall gentleman
who's nervous with ladies?

Get him off! What kind of behaviour
is that for a lollipop man?

Captain Catastrophe strikes again!

He'll poke about under the bonnet.

I won't let him, Barry. I promise.

He'll tamper with it.
We won't let him.

You're doing this for me, showing
my mother and father our new car.

I know how much it means to you.
I'm proud you're doing it for me.

If he pokes about, I'll scream.

Back up. Back up!

Why should I back up?
You're too near the crossing!

There's no-one on the crossing.

Listen, mate, just don't
get in my way, that's all!

You have.
You've created a monster there.

Whatever happened
to Captain Catastrophe?

D-down, boy. Steady, Smiler.

Why did you call him Smiler? Dammit,
why didn't you use the man's rank?