18x07 - According to the Prophet Bickerdyke

[bunniefuu]

I knew there was somebody!
And it's you!

Hey! Why can't I say hello?

You're following people! Just thee.

WHY are you following me?
Why?! You think I'll have my bird
wandering these streets alone?

Tha could be attacked! There's
no-one ever attacks me. Only you!

Well...
Surely that must mean something.

We were meant for each other.
You must be joking! Look at you!

I need a woman's touch! You need
more - you need a damn good clout!

Does tha realise, if we got
together, the money we'd save
on electricity?

Oh! And stop following people!

Don't blame me if tha is attacked!

It's nearly worth being attacked
to have you not there!

Why don't you do as you're told?!

Oh! Sorry! I thought you were
my neighbour. Is that how you treat
neighbours? Just that one.

I'll k*ll him, I will! k*ll him!

Promises! Promises!

Oh!

I was in the same class. I remember
the boy you're talking about.

But he wasn't Jessop. Morrison.
It were Jessop, Billy Jessop!

Morrison! He was a tall lad.
Jessop was small and fat with spots.

Everybody had spots!
Except that chap who was excused PT
and he came to a bad end.

What happened to him?
He became a golfer.

That's terrible!

I say! Have you got the time?
For what?

For what?! I mean,
I want to know what the time is!

It's nearly twenty to.

Nearly? Can't you do any better?

If it's military precision you're
after, you're in the right place.

It's twenty-one minutes to.

Yeah. That's what I make it.

I seen him before.
Nora Batty were clouting him
with her shopping bag.

Could we ask why?
She thought it were me.

There you are, you see. There's
always a reasonable explanation.

What's the point in wasting money?
My father's good with engines.

I know he is,
but he gets carried away.

You used to let him listen to it.
That's when we had an old banger.

This is different. She's nearly new.
You'll be with it all the time.

You won't let him get carried away.

Be brave, Barry. Go and ask
my father to listen to your engine.

She looks a fair little machine,
does this!

I don't understand how Nora Batty
could ever mistake anyone for you.

If it comes to looking like no-one
else, you get full marks. Ta, love!

Will you get off?! Get off!

Now look, keep your distance before
we all come out in spots again!

Do you remember blackheads?

You don't get blackheads
like you used to.

It's probably
all these artificial flavourings.
Remember Ziggy Grimshaw?

He had that big scab
that wouldn't heal.

He used to peel it back and let you
have a long look for a ha'penny.

He charged me a penny!
He must've seen thee coming!

I gave him a ha'penny
so I wouldn't have to look.

It's him again!

SNIFFS DEEPLY

Yes, the air's wonderful out here.

Can you smell anything burning?

There's nothing burning,
although this man looks as if
he's only recently been put out.

Watch it, Audrey!

I'm sure I smell something burning!

Well, it's not down here.

Maybe Nora Batty hit him too hard.

SNIFFING

Give her some clog, Barry!
Let's hear what she has to say.

ENGINE REVS

More clog than that! Shift over!

She needs a bit of foot.

He'll mark my upholstery. Don't
worry. He's not as oily as he looks.

Your car will be all right.

FRANTIC REVVING

Don't start sniffing again!
There's nothing burning!

You're not just saying that?

Look around. Nothing's burning!
What did you think was burning?

The world! The planet!

Oh, the world! She did.
She hit him too hard.

Try not to excite him.
He said it would burn!

He's right in a way.
The planet IS burning.

I told you!

How long has it been burning?

It's always been burning!

Why haven't I been informed?
Didn't they tell you at school?

Nobody said a word! It's been
burning ever since I was at school?

Where's the smoke?

Well, it's not on the surface!
It's burning inside.

You see, inside,
the planet is a burning mass.

We're standing on a thin crust.

How thin? Well, it's not
as thin as that! Come down!

Damn sneaky! Burning inside!

I've been looking up here!

Expecting it, were you?
Can't be too careful.

That's what they said
when we all had spots.

If you had spots,
you could get people's sandwiches.
I know. They were mostly mine!

What time is it?

I told you once. Tell me again!

Listen, all this burning
is making me thirsty.

SNIFFING

I knew I could smell burning.

You can't! It's deep underground.

Why hasn't somebody put it out?
I'VE been wondering that!

That's how things are. You can't
alter a stubborn fact of nature.

A lot like you!

Hey, up, Norm!
I am a fact of nature!

Well, all I know is that you can
see daylight through those trousers.

No! No, I don't want it.
It's too much.

Too much? I've knocked £15 off!
It's still too much.

For that beautiful example?
Bring it out. Let him see it.

I'm not interested at that price.

Here. Look at the workmanship.
It's too expensive!

Too expensive?
Of course it's too expensive!

How can we make a living if we sell
things cheap? ..Take that inside.

Mark it "reserved". For who? Him!

I want you to follow him
and find out where he lives.
I'll give him "too expensive"!

Gunnershaw? Tha's a Gunnershaw?
There used to be some Gunnershaws
in Copley Road.

No relation. I've an auntie
in Barnsley, but that's about it.

You're not married? She left me
when I fell in with the prophet.

Fell in what?
I didn't fall "in" anything.

I became a disciple of the prophet!

Which prophet would that be?
Yes. I was wondering that.

The prophet Bickerdyke.

Of course[!] We should have known!
First one that enters your head!

Bickerdyke?
You've never heard of Bickerdyke?
He was famous south of Huddersfield.

Was? Passed away, didn't he?

What were his first name?
Dennis.

Aye, I get it!
Sounds authentic to me!

If you're going to have
a Yorkshire prophet,
he'd be called Dennis Bickerdyke.

It's all very well,
but what were his qualifications?

He wasn't just some muffin!
Before his retirement, he was quite
senior with Ogilby Builders.

Ah, well, that's it.
How many prophets can boast
of that kind of experience?

Plus, he was secretary
of the Railway Modellers Club.

Better and better!

I do like it!

Is that clock right?!

It's five minutes fast. Why are you
so anxious about the time?

Maybe I ought to let the garage
take a look at it, Mr Pegton?

No need, lad.
I'll get to the bottom of this.

How long will it take
to put it all back together again?

Don't ask me, Barry!
I've never done one of these before.

You mean, down below there,
it's just a molten, flaming mass?

Makes you think
about your heating bill!

I prefer to warm myself
on Nora Batty.

Is it allowed in a smokeless zone?

Why is nobody doing anything?

There's no need to worry about it.
It's always been like that.

Nobody worries about it. I do!

Tell me, how did Mr Bickerdyke
make the transfer

from builders' merchant
to becoming a prophet?

Did he take a course? Our kid did
when he retired. I forget what in.

Probably how to make
your own £10 notes[!]

He was a great do-it-yourself man.

He's reformed now. He stays
at home and talks to his budgie.

Not to his wife?
No, he likes his budgie.

Does it talk back to him?

No! That's the wife.

What kind of things
did Bickerdyke prophesy?

He first became well-known
for forecasting the closure
of his local railway line.

It sort of grew from there.
His big thing was prophesying
that the world would end.

That's a big jump
from his local railway!

I expect he was just depressed
on account of waiting for a train.

Did he say how it was
going to come to an end?

Is it my imagination
or does it feel warm to you?

He used to love these moors.

How long's he been dead? Yonks.

I was there when he died.

It's always been a source of pride
that I heard the last words
of the prophet Bickerdyke.

When you say he loved these moors,
did he come here often?

Oh, yes. There's a spot down there.

He used to say, "Gunnershaw,
when I'm dead, if you ever need
to get in touch, that's the place."

That was thoughtful,
leaving a forwarding address.

Has tha tried to get in touch?

I've tried.
What happened? Nothing.

Maybe he was out.

He wanted that grandfather clock.
I could see it in his eyes.

And I let him get away. Oh,
me mother would turn in her grave!

Did you find out where he lives?

Number 4, Ridley Street.

Number 4, Ridley Street.

I wonder now, will he collect
or shall we deliver?

But he hasn't bought it! Yes,
he has. He just doesn't know it yet.

Are you sure this is the place?

This is the place.
This were his favourite spot.

Somebody else with spots!

It's not even near a railway line.
I thought he were a railway buff?

Why should he come back
where a train might knock him down?

Nobody said anything about anybody
coming back! Especially with spots.

Don't worry.
It's under my supervision.

This is where he said you should
contact him? Yes. I've been before.

But tha's not had any luck?
Nothing.

I don't like interfering
in these things.

If he comes in a cloud
of railway steam, I'll die!

Pull yourself together, that man!

Right, go ahead.

I'm usually alone.

I wish he'd stayed alone!

Don't worry about that.
We're here to support you.

Tell, uh... Tell him
you've brought along a few friends.

Tell him I'm in charge.

Hey, Norm, how does he make contact
with somebody who's dead?

That's the trouble. First thing
you know, you're in a horror movie!

They have strange practices
and they do all these weird things!

Right, that man. Begin.

Hello?

Hello? Are you there, Dennis?

It's me. Gunnershaw.

It don't sound that weird to me.
True.

Can you hear me, Dennis?
Dennis?

Maybe we're not using
enough volume.

Perhaps if we all tried together.

Now, "Hello? Hello?
Can you hear me, Dennis?"

ALL: Hello? Hello?

Can you hear me, Dennis?

ALL: Hello? Hello?

Can you hear me, Dennis?

Oh, Marina!

Oh, Howard!

Ow!

Even the brambles want us
to cling together! It's fate!

Oh, Howard! Oh, Marina!

Alone at last.

DISTANT: Hello? Hello?
It's only us!

Listen!

ALL: Hello! Hello!
We know you're there!

There's no need to shout.

I was just checking this young lady
for a slow puncture.

Oh, thank you.

I haven't seen your father.
He's all right. He's at the shed
listening to Barry's engine.

That's your father[!]
Everyone else likes Pavarotti.
HE listens to engines!

They have wonderful ways
of amusing themselves.

Mine does!

Mine used to have a recording
of a railway train. He used to
sit there listening to it!

Steam, of course.
He used to fiddle with the hi-fi.

Trying to make the steam
sound exactly right.

Mine used to like listening
to his pigeons.

He'd spend hours with his pigeons.

Which is all very well, but he used
to drop feathers in the bedroom!

Mine drops earrings.

"Whose are these?"
"Mine," he says.

"How long have you been
wearing earrings?" I ask him.
"Only recently," he says.

"With diamante?" I ask him.

Maybe they were somebody else's.

Drink your coffee!

No, with me it was just feathers,
never earrings.

They're all untidy in bedrooms.

Mine always has to have
a spanner in reach.
Imagine that in a bedroom!

Marriage would be much tidier
if you kept them out of bedrooms!

Oh, I think my Barry
makes a bedroom!

I hope that means
he's fitting wardrobes!

Drink your coffee.

"Just get in touch," he said.
"If you need anything.
Just get in touch."

And you believed him?

Of course I believed him!

He hasn't got the hang of it.
Why did you believe him?

Because he had these visions!

He was on the button, was
old Dennis. I always believed him.

I'm like that.
I even believe holiday brochures.

He was reliable, was Dennis.

He didn't know the planet were
on fire! He never mentioned it.

But that doesn't mean
he didn't know. What time is it?

Here we go again!
What's this obsession with time?

Time's precious.
That were one of his big things.

Maybe that's why you can't get him.
He's lost his watch.

He left me his watch.
Well, that's it, then.

You said something about his last
words. Yeah, his last words.
What were his last words?

We thought he was in a coma.

But he was having this vision.

He came out of it with news
of some interest to us all.

He'd picked up
some significant information.

He knew when...
the world was going to end!

And did he share this
significant information? He did.

Well, are you keeping it a secret?

When is it going to end, according
to the prophet Bickerdyke?
On a Wednesday!

That's it? The world's going to end
on a Wednesday?

GULPS
Today's Wednesday.

I know! Why do think I keep asking
what the time is?!

What do you think, Norman?

Well, I'm not saying I believe him,

but I do wish today was Thursday.

He sounds like a right headbanger!

But he did forecast the closure
of their local railway line.

What time is it? Don't YOU start!

How are you going to persuade him
to buy the clock? I'll be sneaky.

I hate being sneaky.
It doesn't show.

But if I'm on the point of losing
a sale, I feel Mother's watching.

Are you going to reduce the asking
price? With Mother watching?!

No!

Oh, it's you!

Oh, you remembered. I should think
so! Then you remember the clock.

I've told you - no way!
I don't want the clock.

I hate that kind of clock!
I like a man that knows his mind.

But what about that other clock?
WHAT other clock? On that woman
you've been seen around with.

Keep your voice down!

What time do you close? Never!

Right. I'll be in at six
to pick up the clock.

How did you know about the lady
he's been seen with? I didn't.

But you can rely on them to have
something to feel guilty about.

What kind of prophecy is that?
The world ends on a Wednesday!
It lacks military precision.



I'd feel happier if we'd met
this twit on a Thursday!

But nobody said THIS Wednesday.

He didn't say it would be today.

He didn't say it wasn't, either.

I wish I'd never bothered
making a big rice pudding!

You won't have long to wait.
We'll know at 17 minutes past 2.

He gave you the time?



How about that
for military precision!

God, it's a quarter past, already!

How many's that, Norm? Two minutes.

We've got two minutes! You're sure
he didn't say which Wednesday?

He never got round to it.

But didn't you press him? Damn it,
I hope you weren't talking trains!

He must have said something!
What WERE his last words?
He said, "Make a note, Gunnershaw.

"The world will end at 17 minutes
past 2 on Wednesday the...uurgh!"

Wednesday the uurgh?
He died, didn't he?

That shows a lack of responsibility.

What time is it? Yes, what time?

It's coming up to 17 minutes past.

Ten, nine, eight,

seven, six, five,

four, three, two, one...
zero.

RUMBLING

BANG

It's sounding sweeter all the time!