18x09 - Destiny and Six Bananas

[bunniefuu]

No, hang on! This is serious.

What's serious? I'm serious.

When have you ever been serious?!

I'm serious now.

I want you to do me a favour. And we
all know what sort! Get off home!

Now don't close the door.

Come with me
to the Citizens Advice Bureau.

Citizens Advice Bureau? What about?

It's personal.
Tha'll hear it when we get there.

I'll not say it more than once,
in view of its private nature.

Wait there while I get me hat.

MUFFLED expl*si*n

Ah, Barry! Just the lad!
Give us a hand here.

I was on my way to work...
It won't take a minute.

All right, hold it there. Tight.

ENGINE SPLUTTERS

It's no good. I haven't
cracked it yet. Thanks, Barry.

I shouldn't hang about.
You better get off to work, lad.

I'm going to be firmer with people.

As long as they don't mind.

If it's personal, are you sure
you want me to come in with you?

I do, lass, I do.

But if it's really personal.
It is. It's very personal.

Then perhaps I better wait outside.
I don't want you to think I'm nosy.

Please yourself. Stay outside.

On the other hand... It's best
if you have somebody to lean on.

Is me hair tidy? For you it is.
I thought this morning,

"He's done his hair!
It MUST be serious."

I'm nervous. Hold me hand.

Please, take a seat.

Now, what can I help you with?

Well, I hardly know where to start.

I mean, a thing like this could
alter a person's whole life.

Just take your time.

Take your time, love.
You're among friends.

Begin when you're ready.

It's this. I've lived next door
to this woman for 40 years.

I wondered if that amounted
to a common law relationship.

Does it entitle me
to lose my amateur status?
And if not, how do I upgrade it?

Well...!

You certainly know how to embarrass
people! I said it were personal!


has to count for summat! Oh!

I don't care what they say!
I reckon we're almost engaged!

Hah!

Hello, Mr Semonite.

Ey up, Barry!
Has tha been in a fire?

Oh, heck! Does it show?

I thought Barry had a clean job.

Barry? Oh, Glenda's Barry.
Yes, he has a clean job.

He works in an office. Soft hands.
He's never strangled many sentries.

Maybe he wears gloves.

Tha should have seen him today.

I wouldn't have thought he had
a clean job. He had smuts on him!

I expect it's executive stress.

What? Smuts on the cheek?

Maybe executive stress
gives you smuts on the cheek.
Executive stress gives you ulcers.

Maybe that's it. Maybe he's got
a burning ulcer. That's the smuts.

Hello, what's up with this pillock?

Stay where you are. Go no further.

What is it, man? Speak up.
Give him a minute. He can use two.

Why do civilians
go to pieces like this?

Don't go down there!
I saw them!

The size of them! Scary!

I think this bloke needs a pint.

That's always your answer
to any emergency.

It's not a bad one. It's your turn.

I'll never go up that way again.
Never!

What's up with him?

He's had a bit of a shock. Not
trained to handle these situations.

He thinks he's seen something
in the trees. Giant apes.

That's it!
How did you know that?
It's true - I saw giant apes!

There's been a few sightings.
I told you!

What? Giant apes? Huge!
The police found nothing.

Ha, the police[!] No, police are
not much good on a job like this.

You need experienced jungle hands.

At the risk of repeating myself,
the man said he'd go no further.

But he was terrified.
He wasn't behaving rationally.

I think he was behaving
VERY rationally.

Someone has to investigate. I don't
believe it. Why would apes be here?

Probably escaped
from some wildlife park.

I mean, look at you. Who'd believe
there'd be anything like you here?

I'm not going in there!

I thought you didn't believe in it?

I don't believe
in going in there, either!
Could I ask a question?

What are you planning to do
if you do find something?
What any hunter-k*ller would do!

I shall capture it. We can't
leave it wandering in there.
What we'll do is...

Come here, those men!

Very well.
I shall go in alone.

STRANGE ANIMAL CRIES

As soon as I've got
the proper equipment.

ENGINE SPLUTTERS

Ah, she's coming on nicely.

Smiler! Just the lad! Come and put
your finger on this a minute.

Last time I did that, it were hot!

This isn't hot.
It's just pleasantly warm.

Just on that bit there, Smiler.

AAARGH! It's hot!

What's tha doing?

Well, I'm making a list!

A list! A list!

Of equipment required.
They didn't call me
the Jungle Fox for nothing.

On these dangerous jobs, you can't
overlook any details. Dangerous?!

Why's he saying things
like "dangerous jobs"?

You bring people a cup of tea and
next thing it's dangerous jobs!

He's all gob. Dangerous gob!

Now, some of these things I've got.
The rest we'll get where we can.

While I pop home to get ready,
I want you two to buy six bananas.

Meet me at Auntie Wainwright's.

Six bananas! Now,
that is my kind of dangerous job!
We can do that.

Yes, but what about
Auntie Wainwright's?

Oh, you can wait outside.
You can rely on that!

You're not going past...?
I've no time this morning, Howard.

I'm on work of vital importance.

Concerning the safety
of the community.

What's up with Foggy?
He has an appointment with destiny.

And six bananas.

What have you been doing
with this tracksuit?

It's just your normal
sporting wear and tear.

I don't know what you want
with tracksuits at your age!
You were built for a frilly apron!

I don't know
why she should say that.
I've always been very sports-minded.

I know. I've seen thee.
How is Marina?

Ssh!

Fire! Fire! Don't panic!
Help's on its way!

We'll get you out of there!
We'll get you out of there!

You're going to be all right.
There we are!

Where's the other one?

He is on work
of national importance! Concerning
the safety of the community!

Not again[!]

I don't know whether to have a cup
of tea or invite thee to Blackpool.

I should take the tea!

Tha could be missing
a golden opportunity!

And I'm going to keep missing it!

I never go to Blackpool.

Where was your honeymoon? I don't
remember. It was all a blur!

Come on! We're not going inside.

I don't like getting too near.

We can look in the window.
She keeps some interesting things.

Mainly the contents
of people's wallets!

It's amazing what she keeps!
I don't think it's amazing.
It's black magic!

She's a Yorkshire witch!

Ah! Who's a nice, little baby
with his pointed hat?

No need for you lot to wait
out here in the rain. Come inside.

It's not raining!

Is he always this contradictory?
Always.

You're getting better,
Norman Clegg. At what?

At not coming in my shop. We've
been standing here for five minutes.

It's nothing personal.

Oh, I know that, lad. You're
getting better at sales resistance.

I have to congratulate you.
Credit where it's due.
That's decent of you. I know[!]

It's the new, tough, heavy metal
Cleggy! Oh, I can see that.

Ey, dear, it's getting harder
to make a living.

It's sad
when your powers start failing.

When your customers start getting
away, the end can't be far off.

I feel rotten.

Tha won. That should make thee
feel better. No, I feel rotten!

How rotten?

Would you feel better
if I sold you something? I didn't...
Under a pound?

It's a deal.

Best deal I'm going to get.

BANG

Is it fancy dress?
Nobody told me!

What's this contraption
you've got here?

It's a go-anywhere vehicle!

An all-terrain vehicle!

All-terrain?

Interesting...

She said under a pound!

So, she lied.

Chuff me! Look at this!

It's Wild Bill Hiccup!

It's Jungle Jim!

Hello! It's Clarissa
with her curtain rod!

It's not a curtain rod!
This is a deadly blowpipe!

All right, that's enough of that.
Line up, you men.

I think he means it. We have
a job to do! Hanging curtains?

No, not hanging curtains.

We are going hunting!

For big game.

Is he still taking the pills?

We think he's gone bananas.

What's this here, then, Wesley?

It's an all-terrain vehicle!
She's a great little machine, this.

Ey up!

What does he want
a tracksuit for at his age?

I asked him that!
Does he do any sports?

He does if he can get away with it!

My Barry does press-ups.

Since when?
Oh...quite recently.

Why would he start doing press-ups?

Why does he want firmer muscles
working for a building society?

He's just keeping fit, Mother.

It's worrying when they start that.

It's a bad sign.
You get to recognise the signs.

My mother said never to complain
about husbands in tatty old caps.

They feel comfy in their marriages
when they wear tatty old caps.

It's new caps you've to watch for!

My Barry doesn't wear a cap.
You see how cunning they are?

Come down hard on this keeping fit.

Ask what they're getting fit for.
It won't be to help you
with the heavy lifting!

Marriage is not built on exercise.
You want them nodding off.

Over-eating
is a great stabilising factor.

My Wesley eats well.
And I never worry about his cap.
It's too often on fire!

I tried fattening mine up.
He still looks like a sparrow.

"Don't bring him round here,"
my mother said.
"They'll think we don't feed him."

My Wally could eat six Yorkshire
puddings and look undernourished!

There's no doubt, that generation
knew how to handle stodgy food.

Even if they died young.

Wesley Pegton, what the dickens
do you think you're doing? The...

POSH:
Wesley-ah, I hope
you won't be late for tea!

Right. Now, then.

We need to be down there.

Are you sure this travels off-road?
She's an all-terrain vehicle!
Of course she travels off-road!

That's what she's designed for!

Yes, well, it's not what I'm
designed for! I think I'll walk.

Suit yourself. Any more deserters?
No! I'd always rather have a lift!

Right. On my command.

Forward!

Enjoy the ride?

I think I'll walk!
The exercise shall do me good.

You're a reformed person!
I am, Norm.

Right. Now here's the plan...

Ah, the plan! The plan!

We will synchronise watches.
I haven't got a watch.

Never mind. Synchronise your legs.
Try to keep in step.

I don't like it.

We haven't done anything! I wonder
if Napoleon had this trouble?

I'm not synchronising watches.

Every w*r film I've ever seen,
people synchronise watches.

The next thing, they're all dead!

We're not going to be dead!

I'm not going to be dead.
I'm not synchronising watches.

You're spoiling the plan.

I hate when people spoil the plan!

Don't get your curtain rod
in a twist! What happens next?

Well, on my command, Wesley will
drive the machine into the trees.

If there's an animal there,
he'll drive it towards us.
Towards us?!

Driving wild animals towards us?!

Can I ask if everybody thinks
this is really a good idea?

You'll be perfectly safe.

We'll be in hiding and
I'll tranquillise it with a dart.

It's just an ordinary dart!
It's not an ordinary dart!

Far from it. I've prepared it with
something to make the beast sleep.

What something? Does it work?

Listen to who's talking! I've seen
the natives do this in the jungle.

Yeah, they've got poisons growing
in the jungle. What have you got?

The trained soldier learns to
make do with whatever's available
or to hand.

So what is it
tha soaks the darts in?

Well, if you must know,
it's Horlicks.

That is supposed to make it sleep?!

Well, it makes me sleep.

ENGINE SPLUTTERS

She'll need a few modifications.
Aye, we know the feeling.

Well, plans have to be changed.
Fortunes of w*r.

Never mind. I can cope.

Right, here we go, then. Plan B.

Plan B! Plan B!

You three walk through the trees
and flush the animal towards me.

Me? Walk? Yes.
I'm your top gear sort of person!

I like Plan B! Flushing it
towards Foggy. I like that better.

First of all, synchronise watches.

What are you waiting for?

Ye Gods! Am I the only one
with a watch?

OK, make your way to the other side
of the trees. When you get there,
start walking this way. Off you go.

Do you think there really is
something in these trees?

Old Big Mouth says so. The natives
didn't call him the Jungle Fox
for nothing. Bet he had to pay 'em!

If there is something, keep it
going in Foggy's direction.

Think we should spread out a bit?
No! Spreading out is bad.

Spreading out means
I'm walking by myself!

Jungle Frocks! I bet that's what
they called him - Jungle Frocks!

A TWIG SNAPS

I thought I heard something.
Could be my heart beating.

No, it was something loud.
It beats loud.

It does when you're a woman
in the full flush of youth.
It beats loud.

Maybe I was mistaken.

If it's mistakes you're looking for,
you've come to the right place.

Oh, Marina!
Oh, Howard!

CREAKING
There it is again!

Two of them!

I'm outnumbered!

Oww!

I think I got one of them!

It was Howard!

Do you think he recognised me?

Nobody would notice thee
dressed like that[!]

Where did I get him?

I think you synchronised
his britches!

Foggy, if tha's finished with
destiny, can we eat the bananas?