31x04 - Howard and the Great Outdoors

[bunniefuu]

Don't worry about me.

HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

I'll get used to being homeless.

Good.

I've got used to
you being homeless already.

PHONE RINGS

I can't get a signal. Hang on.

That's better.

So why didn't she fall for it?

Did you look pathetic? Did you do
your little cough like I showed you?

How could she resist that?

You were looking good.
I could have taken you home myself.

In fact I did.

You were snoring all night.
No wonder she threw you out.

Never mind.
She's seen you living rough.

We've planted the image.

It's bound to start working
on her conscience.

I'll have to go.
I'm photographing wildlife.

Don't call again while
I'm silent and invisible.

I was lying there,
shivering, behind her dustbin
and all she did was laugh.

You should have called us.
We enjoy a laugh.

I'm sorry, but it's getting serious
when your wife leaves you lying
about outdoors on bits of cardboard.

I can see where that
might be classed as the
"first passions starting to cool."

Been there.

You don't think this could mean
she's losing interest in me?

Must you leap to that conclusion
just because she's thrown you out?

Never thrown you out before, has she?

That's not much comfort.

Give her time to think about it.
I'm sure she'll wonder
why she didn't do it years ago.

Or even sooner.

Thank you very much.

It's been a real tonic[!]

Look at this.

I bet Wildlife would
like to photograph this.

Well done, team. Right on time.

Mind the twigs. It takes ages
to make this thing look natural.

This is natural?!
Just lift, lift, lift.

Gently, gently. Mind the twigs!

I used to be
a bit of a wandering lad.

I never thought I'd hear me say it,

but I hereby acknowledge
I miss the comforts of home.

I miss mine.

You're bound to miss the woman
you've lived with all those years.

You think so?

I miss my favourite armchair,

fully fitted bathroom...

the Jaguar.

Yes, even the Old Bat.

I miss chips.

Glenda's banished chips.

Don't go to pieces.

Morton will slip you a few chips.

Would you do that?

Plain or crinkly?

You're an ace, Morton.
And you...Toby.

I never thought I'd get to call you
by your first name.

I can live with "sir",
if you'd rather?

It's amazing how adversity
brings out the best in people.

Yes, isn't it?

I do opulence better.

I thought my wife was happy with me.
She liked my cooking.

Do you mind not using
that kind of language?

I'd rather not hear the word
"cooking" until Glenda drops
this slimming campaign.

You hear about the world going green.

You should see my plate.

She had me decorate
the spare bedroom.

I wondered who'd be using it.

It turned out to be me.

We had our own bedrooms.

I can't do with waking up
to wrinkles.

There were bits of her
peculiarly blue.

Why was she blue?

You don't enquire.

Flight is the only solution.

Glenda's not blue.

Then treasure her.

She's worth the ploughing through
a bit of lettuce.

Is that your benchmark?
They mustn't be blue?

I like them almost
every other shade.

She wanted excitement.

It's overrated,

not to mention tiring.

The great irony for me is that
I was almost ready to settle

for domestic dullness,
when she threw me out.

She caught you with someone.

I was merely tying up
a few loose ends.

Your mascara's running.

Oh, this?
It's just a little something I wear

when photographing wildlife.

You could stare right at me,
you know, and never see me.

That sounds like a good idea.

Where is he? Who?

You know who. The little weasel
who's pretending to be living rough.

The little weasel who's
pretending to be living rough?

No. Sorry.

Don't give me that.
I know he's been sleeping here.

He's probably in there now.

Well, you can tell him from me

I don't want to see him
round me dustbin.

In me dustbin,
I'm prepared to discuss.

I'm getting a flash of insight here.

It's all coming together.
I bet you're talking about Howard.

Isn't he out wandering
lonely as a cloud, in some
wilderness, pining for you?

He's wandering round here,
that's where he's wandering.

I keep getting reports of this lonely
figure seen haunting the bleak hills.

Oh, he's already
entering into legend.

I know where he's entering.
He's entering here every night.

They know he's out there.

They're whispering his name
on stormy nights.

The Sad Man of Satterthwaite Moor.

Give over.
And you know what he's sad about.

All he's sad about
is losing the idiot

who used to warm his pyjamas
every night in the airing cupboard.

Yes, I heard about that.

In my book, that's true love.

Or maybe I preferred it to
some of the other ways of
warming a man's pyjamas.

You're telling me
that Howard went off to the wild
with all that camping gear

and now he's camping
in Hobbo's bedroom?

Well, it was lonely in the wilds,
and he kept hearing funny noises.

Oh, why should England tremble?

What time did he leave
for the wilderness?

Around 2pm. And what time did he
come scuttling back to Hobbo's?

Around half past seven.
He didn't even wait for dark?

Forward planning.

Please put it somewhere non-slip.

HE CHUCKLES

Came by river.
Never pays to do the obvious.

Keep the enemy guessing.

Keeps getting feet wet.

Good morning, Stella.
Never seen you looking better.

He does talk some faff.

But fluently.

We need to borrow Alvin.

There's a hole in
Howard's camping image.

Needs mending.

Follow me, team.

I thought I'd pop round and
we could have a face-to-face.

The old forgiveness thing.

Spot of making up
and happy ever after.

What do you say?

GROWLING

How long have we had a dog?

But Pearl knows I've been
sleeping at your place.

Not any more. I've thrown you out.

You mean I've got to sleep out here,
all alone?

You'll get used to it. I always
found there was a sock to darn,

a button to sew on, bits of someone
to remove from your combat knife.

Busy hands. That's the secret.

But what can you do out here?

Can I say one word?

Eyebrows.

When was the last time
we plucked our eyebrows?

Got me there.

Would that be last Tuesday?

Or was it Wednesday?

No porkies, please. Let's face it,
we all neglect our eyebrows.

Never have the time. It's been
my experience in w*r zones

and hell spots the world over
that men neglect their eyebrows.

Well, out here,
alone in the wilderness,

what better time for a good
old session with the tweezers?

I'm not plucking anything out here.

You told Pearl you were
going off into the wilderness.

I didn't mean as wild as this.

Suppose there are
still wolves out here?

There's nothing bigger than a mouse.

But how big are those out here?

As big as a bus, Howard.

Only single-decker.

Stop winding him up.

I'm not sleeping out here.

You don't have to.
You can sneak back to my place.

All we have to do is convince Pearl
that you're living out here.

Wretched, dirty, lonely...

With great eyebrows.

Am I interrupting your picnic?

We're on the front line.
You snatch a bite when you can.

Can we be of assistance?
Within reason.

I want you to take me home.

Give over. We've only just met.

You finally find a policeman
and he's a comic.

You have to have a laugh, sir,
in this job

when your eyes have seen
what ours have seen.

Hasn't spoiled your appetite.

Now, a few pictures to show Pearl
how miserable your life is out here.

Look pathetic. He can do that.

I mean really pathetic.

Does that, too.

You can laugh, but it's the
secret of my power over women.

He's too clean. Maybe we should
grunge him up a bit.

I don't want to look scruffy.

Yes, you do.
Scruffy, neglected, lost.

You've got to pluck at
Pearl's heartstrings.

Oh, not her eyebrows?

Her heart.

Pearl has heart?!
Of course she has a heart.

She loves this man.

Ask him.

She warms his pyjamas.

That's another reason why
I'm not sleeping out here.

If we bring you warm pyjamas?

No. I want to go home.

We're working on that.

You're not alone.
You're surrounded by...

Idiots.

..friends. Not the same as being
shouted at by your woman at home.

It's true. I keep seeing her
in me mind's eye,

snarling at me.

That's when you know
you really belong.

I wish she was shouting at me now.

We'll get you back
to being shouted at.

Promise?

Are you suggesting
your wife is violent?

It's not a suggestion.
She IS violent.

Can't help you there, sir. Not
until you've actually been assaulted.

She set the dog on me.

Bit thin, sir. You'd be on firmer
ground if she'd hit you.

Stabbing, even better.

You get yourself a nice wound or
two and we'll be there in a flash.

Or at least, once we've done
a safety assessment.

What about my safety?

Naturally that's our
first consideration.

Oh...

So he set off with his camping gear,
heading for some remote wilderness.

How far did he get?

Next door but one.

He's been sleeping at Hobbo's,

but I'm not supposed to know this.

You might have known
somebody would take him in.

He always looks so pathetic.
I prefer to think of it as devious.

Don't you ever feel like
reaching out and cuddling him?

Cuddling him? No.

Strangling, yes.

You must miss him.

I mean, I even miss mine -
much to my surprise.

She does. She is missing him.

I know what it's like to
live in an empty house.

You've got your Travis.

I rest my case.

What makes you think
I'm missing him?

It's only till you get used to
cooking for one.

They leave a gaping hole
in your bed.

Mind you, in Howard's case,
not a very big one.

The only gaping hole
was him snoring.

True.
It is the little things you miss.

It's coming on. He's looking good.

What are you doing
with your hands in your pockets?

"Hands in pockets unless
accompanied by the owner."

Howard looking good?

You believe that?

It's not easy.

She'll melt. When Pearl sees him
like this, she'll melt.

Does that sound like Pearl to you?

I reckon if Pearl had been
Little Red Riding Hood
she would've eaten the wolf.

I like good, strong, nasty women.

Married one.

It's all you can do. They're not
built for casual entertainment.

Ooh, you can take your hands
out of your pockets now.

It's not that I don't trust you.

Or is it?

Maybe it is.

Are you ready for this?

I can't breathe in all these coats.

Fake it. Fake it.

You need the coats to keep
out the chill of loneliness.

This is your ticket home

once she sees how rough
you've been living.

Aargh!

I've never been highly
motivated, fashion-wise.

And it shows.

I believe personal qualities
are worth more than appearance.

And that's why you're still alone.

You spend on clothes
and you're still alone.

I know.
I can't understand it, either.

You scare the men off.

I don't know why. I'm just a simple
home maker underneath.

It's what they can see
that worries them.

I'm going to change that.

Ye Gods!
She really does do antiques!

They're just looking
for an old hat for me.

Check him out, Morton.
See if he's hygienic.

I don't mind poor people, as long as
they're using a decent aftershave.

He's all right once you
get past the first shock.

He's only playing a tr*mp
for charitable purposes.

I'm sorry. I haven't got any change.

Charity for him. He's trying
to work his way back home.

Who'd give a home
to anything like that?

It's me. Howard.

That's marvellous, Howard.
I never would have recognised you.

I wouldn't admit
to knowing him either.

I sometimes think I might
go off and be a tr*mp.

Who's going to cook my meals?

We could go together,
now we've got no ties.

I'd do the cooking.

We could lie out under the stars,
around the campfire.

Oh, do be quiet, Morton.
This is no time to go insane.

Now, lad, I'm looking for a few more
cheap sticks of furniture

that Morton can carry home for me.

Oh, that's why you brought me?

"Why don't we have
a stroll into town," you said.

It was while we were strolling
I made this tactical decision.

I think this will fit.

It's filthy!

It's a genuine tr*mp's hat.

He was starving.

ALL: Ahh.

I felt so moved, I let him
exchange it for a slice of bread.

I didn't realise it was you.

It's not me.

I'm having to stop being so
"in your face."

I'm scaring the men off.

And you think
this is going to do it?

I have to try, even though I
look like somebody's granny,

and she's probably dead.

Do you think men are worth it?

No, but I'm really too young
to stop dreaming.

You should get married.
That's the best cure for
any illusions about men.

I'm ready when they are.

Oh, I give up!

You see what kind
I'm attracting now?

Oh, Barry, look!
They've given that old tr*mp a lift.

I think that's nice.

Yeah. Barry! I mean really nice.

I think it's sweet,

and I think
we ought to do something.

We should take him
and get him something to eat.

That's nice. You won't give
me anything solid to eat,

but the first tr*mp
that comes along...

Poor old soul. He looks hungry.

Look at me, Glenda. I look hungry.

No, you don't.
Not till after Gloria's wedding.

We're going
to take that poor man for a meal.

It's Howard. Howard? Pearl's Howard?

Yes. Under all those coats
he's in there somewhere.

Look, if he's gone native,
maybe we didn't ought to be
taking him anywhere.

Suppose he goes berserk
with a big chopper?

They do that. Ask anybody.

Rubbish.
What's he doing in that condition?

She's thrown him out. He's living
in a tent somewhere in the wilds.

I told you. That's stage one.
Stage two - the chopper.

Be quiet, Barry.

If he's living in the wilds,
we've got a duty to see he gets fed.

We'll take him from here,
Mr Hobdyke.

Make sure he gets a good meal.

No, no. You must go. Go.

When Pearl finds out
that people are feeding you,

she'll be so embarrassed and ashamed,
you'll be home double quick.

There you are.

Where did you find that?
You're not going to believe it.

I'd be happier not believing it
if you'd left him outside.

I can smell cooking.

Maybe I'd better wait outside.

Stay here. On the other hand,
I suppose I could stay here.

Don't look at him and embarrass him,
but who does he remind you of?

The mess that's left
after Bonfire Night.

It's Mr Sibshaw.

Pearl's Howard?!

[WHISPERS] Pearl's Howard?
I told you you wouldn't believe it.

Is that a beef stew you've
got simmering back there?

Be quiet, Barry.

And close your nose as well.

So he is camping in the wilds.

I'd no idea
he was in that condition.

I know what you mean.
He looks like he ought to smell bad,
but he doesn't actually.

He's going to get some
air freshener if he does.

Ye Gods!

It is a day for surprises.
What happened to you?

Absolutely nothing.

Story of my life.

There he goes again, look.

Merciful heavens!

You make a few changes to
your appearance and bingo.

They can't wait to manhandle you.

You look...different.

Do you mean basic different,
or wow different?

I think basic, don't you?

Basic.

You can't win.

Important message. Your country needs
you to keep away from the tr*mp.

I think he likes me.

He's not too bright.

I can live with that.

Eats caterpillars.

I've got breath mints.

You'd be getting in the way of
something big here.

Trust me. There are forces here
you wouldn't want to mix with.

I'm being warned off?

Bad day for tramps.
Next week better.

Why don't we take you home? I
don't suppose you mean me any harm.

No, I didn't think so.

Mr Hobdyke.

I can't stop. I'm just
dropping this young lady off.

How can you be annoyed with
anyone who calls you "young lady."

What are doing with my man?

He's up to something with
some mysterious tr*mp,
who finds me attractive.

That IS mysterious.

I don't believe he's a tr*mp at all,
the way they're guarding him.

I think he's probably some
eccentric wealthy person

who's living out his fantasy of
being free from all his obligations,

and who may be looking for some
wild thing to share his dreams.

But what if Pearl doesn't come?

You've showed her up all over town.
She'll come if it's only to k*ll you.

I don't care, as long as
she takes the body home.

You'll be home tonight.
My team have told her where you are.

She'll be coming over that hill
and she'll see you all alone,
in this pitiful condition.

Where will you be?
Oh, she won't see me.

I'll be blending into the background.

Now come on. Lie down and look lost.

I'm boiling in all this lot.
Can I take a few off?

No! You need them. Your blood's thin.

You're wasting away.

Now lie down.

Are you sure it's clean?

It's clean enough for dying tramps.

Argh! There's an ant!

Then lie where there isn't an ant!

Coo-ee!

It almost makes a girl
believe in fate,

bumping into you, like this,
out here.

PHONE RINGS

Pearl's here. Get rid of that woman.

Where? In the tent.

Oh, good heavens!
So this is life in the wild.

Is that sad, or what?

He'll be sad when I get him home.
Playing me up like this.

Looks nearly dead to me.

And it's going to get worse.

No, not dead, look. He's moving.

Ants. They're everywhere!

Lie down, man!

We're on an ants' nest!

Ignore them. Focus the mind.

Find your calm centre.

All alone in the wilderness?

Looks to me like he's got
all mod cons.