01x09 - Punishment Hole

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Once again ♪

♪ Petey's in the bathroom ♪

- ♪ This is strange ♪

♪ Her fourth time today ♪

- ♪ How bizarre ♪

♪ She's not drunk much water ♪

♪ This could only mean ♪

♪ One thing ♪

I'm going
to the pharmacy.

♪ Petey has a UTI ♪

A UTI? What's that mean?

- It means she made
love with a man.

- And fell asleep in his arms.

- She didn't even
get up to tinkle.

- Which means?

Both: Petey's in love!

- Well, why didn't you say so?

♪ I can't believe
it's finally happened ♪

- ♪ I bet she got
banged out real good ♪

- ♪ Her bladder must
be in a ton of pain ♪

♪ That's why you
pee right afterward ♪

- ♪ Oh ♪

♪ That urinary sting ♪

♪ Must mean she had a fling ♪

♪ Some horizontal fun ♪

♪ She's ♪

♪ Been getting
railed by someone ♪

♪ And I have an inkling ♪

♪ That that someone is my son ♪

- ♪ I bet his jaw hurts
'cause he went downtown ♪

- ♪ That's what a
generous partner does ♪

- ♪ There was something
strange about ♪

♪ How they woke
up making out ♪

♪ On a camping trip
we all went on ♪

♪ She joins the
mating pantheon ♪

♪ Her future's sealed,
the runes are drawn ♪

- ♪ Cantaloupe
with Parmesan? ♪

♪ A conjugal phenomenon ♪

♪ Perhaps next year,
she'll even spawn ♪

♪ Petey has a UTI ♪

- Oh, joyful day!
- Ugh!

Hooray!

- How does everyone
know I have a UTI?

- That's small-town
life for you.

You got a secret,
I'm gonna shout it.

Whole store's gonna hear it.

- This is how we find out

you're bringing
in a brother wife?

- What are you talking about?
And what is this logic?

Am I missing a link
between "my pee is stuck"

and some town-wide
marriage song?

- All I know is, first
come the UTI meds.

Then come the preggy tests.

You've chosen a mate.

We've all been
waiting for this day.

So who is he? It's
Bandit, ain't it?

Ooh.

- Hello, and welcome
to tape 4 of 12

of your new mayor
onboarding experience.

If you're ready to proceed,

let me hear a
verbal "I'm ready."

- Sorry, I need a
verbal "I'm ready."

- Larissa, I don't
have time for this.

There's a rumor
swirling about me,

and I gotta squash it!

My jaw hurts because
I ate a big sandwich

and not any other
jaw-related activity.

- Squashing lurid rumors
isn't till tape 9.

We can't go out of order.

There are rules, Bandit.

- Cranberry juice,
extra cranberry.

Actually, I'll get it.

Back in New York,
having a UTI just meant

you held your pee
during a long play.

But here, it's some
weird big deal.

Everyone's talking about me.

They're speculating about
my sex life, singing songs.

Ugh, I hate it!
- Really?

You kinda welcome attention.

- What do you mean?

- Well, like right now.

- This is bad attention, though.

People are making assumptions
about my future plans

based on an infection.

I control my narrative.

- Hey, Eliza. You ready?

- Yep. Let's do
this. This is Connie.

- Grease Trap Connie!

- Connie got us tickets
to a pasta-making class.

- You're leaving me

when it feels like a ghost
is sitting on my urethra?

- Petey's got a UTI
and she's freaking out

that everybody's
talking about her.

- It's an unusual situation.

- It sounds like you need
to set some boundaries.

- I don't know;
"boundaries" is just

another word for
being an as*h*le.

My friend Ella had
boundaries, but it was about,

"I'm allowed to
be late to stuff."

And, pfft, I'm not doing that.

- Hey, you just set a
boundary right there.

- Eliza, thrilled for
your budding relationship,

but I'm struggling, and
I can't have you have

someone else in
your life right now.

Is that crazy?

- Yes?

- Mm.

- I don't see her with Bandit.

They just don't make sense.

- Obviously it was Bandit.

I know a son-induced
UTI when I see one.

- Well, just in case.

She can have all
of us if she wants.

We're a team, like football.
- Cornhole!

What the
is this group?

- I was just collecting
some side pieces for you

for when you tire of my son.

Sexually, I mean.
- Mm.

- Can we speak privately?

Walk and talk.
Hunks, stand down.

- Anything for you, Petey.

Aww.

- For your information, I
got this UTI from myself...

That's right, women
can do that now...

From not peeing for days

because there's a big
puddle in my bathroom

and I'm wearing a romper.
- What?

- The whole top would
touch the floor.

- Oh, honey.

You're acting like
this is a bad thing,

but it's exactly what
you were born to do.

- Get an infection
that if left untreated

can travel to my kidneys?

- Yes, where babies are made.

- Uh, what?

Who said anything
about wanting a baby?

- Everyone's buzzin' 'bout it.

- Not me.

- Why else would
you be getting bills

from your egg storage facility?

- Physical mail?

Hey, when did I freeze my eggs?

As an actress
on "City ,"

I'm always chasing after D.

But that doesn't mean I
don't care about my E-G-G-Ss.

That's why I trust Ice
n' Easy egg storage.

Egg now. Pay later.

- Hello? Come and get 'em.

- And see "City
3: BJs in Baghdad,"

rated G...
- Rated G?

- For "Gaglaggglhagglag!"

They got me.

You're putting
expectations on me.

You're physically going
through my physical mail.

I do not like this.

- Let me show you something
that might put you at ease.

This is the Prophestry.

- Yikes.

- It's a tapestry we made

that charts out the
rest of your life

so you don't have to worry
about what happens next.

First you arrive in town.

Then you have
various high jinks.

Then you get a
UTI... that's now.

Then you and your chosen
mate produce a blood heir.

Ooh-hoo, I can't wait to squeeze

its fat little cheeks.

Oh, my God.

You've planned
out my whole life?

Did you pressure
my dad like this?

- Oh, no, he already had a
blood heir, which was you.

And also, you know how men are.

But you're much
easier to work with.

More malleable. More permeable.

- Uck, stop it!
I'm not permeable.

This whole town
is out-of-bounds.

I'm setting a boundary.

- Boundary?
- Yes, Mae Mae.

- So where should we start

with getting the people in line?

Cut off their ba*ls?

- What? No!

I was being silly.

What about the Punishment Hole?

- No, Punishment Hole
sounds a little punitive.

- Well, I hope you're
not counting on me

for more suggestions when you
keep sh**ting down my ideas.

- Ooh! I know
what I'm gonna do.

- Where are you going?

- I'm going to tell the
biggest gossip in town

that I seem a little upset.

It's what I'd do in New York
to maintain my reputation

for being friendly while at
the same time getting results.

Word will spread, and everyone
will back the off.

- Petey's trying to do
her own thing again.

We can't let her go off-Proph.

Go to New York and
retrieve her frozen eggs.

- Okay, but she seems a little
young to have frozen eggs.

Petey's never struck
me as a planner.

- Elders, we must go to New York

to retrieve Petey's eggs

so we may secure
the holy bloodline.

- Mm.

- Things have been
strained between us

since Petey moved us all

into one house.

- It is decreed.

We will take a trip to
New York to get the eggs

and to provide a much-needed
reset for our group dynamic.

- Buckle up, baby. This
is gonna be a sh*t show.

- My, my, my!

What could you be
doing here so soon?

You should've let that
infection clear up

before hopping on Bandit's
saddle again, young lady.

- I'm sorry I lost
my composure earlier

when everyone was
talking about me.

- You were steamed as
some ten-cent shrimp.

- I must have seemed so upset.
- Yes.

- Maybe more people should
know that I seemed upset

when they were talking about me.

- You didn't want us
to talk about you,

but now you're asking
me to spread the word?

- People might want to know

I seemed upset that
they were gossiping.

Did you hear that,
Loud Screaming Guy?

What's that now?

- Petey's saying she
was upset earlier.

- Seemed upset earlier.

Petey
seemed upset earlier?

Oh, no!

- I don't need to be an
as*h*le to be respected.

Sure, I set a boundary,
but I did it my way.

Put that in your
Prophestry, Mae Mae.

- Knock, knock.
Great Daughter?

- The hunks are here.

Oh, okay, thanks.

- Cornhole.
- I understand you asked us

to stand down earlier.

I just wanted to demonstrate
how useful I can be.

Anticipate your needs.

It's a risk but one
I'm willing to take.

- Okay.

- We overheard some women

talking about you
behind your back.

We weren't sure if you'd want us

to bring them to you, so we did.

- You brought them to me?

Thank you. That's
so considerate.

- It's easy to be considerate
when I'm with you.

You're smart and nice and funny.

Humor is hugely important to me.

I could definitely see us
having a future together.

- He wants to be your
sexual side piece.

- Oh, I almost forgot. Plus,
you're, like, really hot.

Did I leave that out? Ha-ha.

The chemistry is there.

- Just bring them in.

- This is all a
misunderstanding.

- What?

My own wives were gossiping

after I'm sure they
heard I seemed upset?

- We were just saying we wish
you'd be more direct with us

about how you're
feeling, that's all.

- Oh, should've known
that my big-city tactics

might be a little too
sophisticated for this crowd.

Okay, you want me to be direct?

I can do this. I'll be direct.

- Punishment Hole?
- Never gonna happen.

- Oh, someone was joking
about cutting ba*ls off.

Was it you?

It was funny, but there
was a serious point

buried in there somewhere.

- Ugh, it would be so much
easier to make decisions

if I could just get
validation from Eliza.

Without her, who knows what
insane ideas I'll entertain?

- What if you spoke
over the P.A. system

from your dad's DJ booth

where he'd spin records
and tell stories

about sex he had back when
everyone wasn't so "hung up"?

- There's a DJ booth? How
long have I been here?

Will the reveals ever
slow down, Mae Mae?

- Now, if you'll
sign right here,

where the arrow
sticker is, that...

- Can't you do this for me?
This is taking a lot of time.

- Well, it didn't
take a little time

to put the stickers
on in the first place.

I did that for you.

- Damn it, I'm hands-on!

Hello, everyone.

It's Petey, and I have

an important announcement.

- What the heck?

The cult leader
P.A. system is back?

That's a method of control.

Not on my watch.

- I assumed that you would
all have gotten the message

that I don't like you talking
about me and planning my life,

but apparently I have
to be a bit more blunt.

- Cut off their ba*ls.

- I did seem upset before

because I am upset.

Actually, I'm mad.

That felt good, actually.

I'm mad, and I'm
being forthright.

And I was
gonna play a song,

but it looks like my only choice

is something called
butt-rock, so...

Ah, what the hell?

- I need to go.

- Bandit, we're losing daylight.

- Eliza, remember, boundaries.

Don't wash your hands
more than you have to.

- That's a great point.

Okay.

- How'd she get my number?

Okay. This is nice.

Oh, I really needed this.

Making gnocchi.

Making gnocchi.

Okay, it should
not be this much fun.

- Yeah, it sounded fun.

Isn't
it so much fun?

And if
you make a mistake,

it's still good,
because it's pasta.

- Are you okay?
- Uh-huh.

And if
you make a mistake,

the teacher comes over,

and then she takes
your dough and says,

"Let's see if I
can salvage this,"

and you feel safe
because it's pasta.

- Is this about the pasta?

What
is happening to me?

- You're having a
catharsis expl*si*n

because you're away
from your toxic friend.

- I don't have one of those.

I have a best friend who's
my dead ex-husband's daughter

and she told me we are
best friends, so we are.

And I have a girlfriend,
too, in that order.

Oh, hey, Eliza.

Petey wants to know what's up.

- Let's see if we
can salvage this.

- You've silenced the people.

- I squashed that
rumor about us.

You're welcome.

- And you tyrant-ed the
people in the process.

Open the window. Listen.
What do you hear? Not a word.

You've cowed them
all into submission.

- I'll open a window
but for my own reasons.

Fresh air, maybe.

Huh. Eerily quiet.

Where are the tambourines
when I need them?

Anyway, I didn't
tell anyone not to talk.

I told them not to
talk about me...

And you, for that matter.

Or do you not care that everyone

is planning my life
and putting you in it?

Is this a double standard?

- Excuse me, I'm a New
York 10 and a country 50.

What's so terrible about people
thinking we slept together?

- Nothing as far as we're
concerned; we're a team.

Whatever it takes to keep
the Great Daughter happy.

- She already has a team.

- Yeah, the wives.

- Everyone chill.

Wives, I value you.

Can we talk about
this later at home?

Hunks, I think you're awesome,

but it's not gonna happen
for us romantically,

not anytime in the
foreseeable future.

- Maybe long-term?
- Anything's possible.

But for now, what I really need
is your friendship and support.

Anyone who wants to talk to
me has to go through you guys.

Mae Mae.
- I'm right here.

Where
did you come from?

- Your head was in my bosom.

- Ah, yes. The
"flight to safety."

Allowing myself to be nurtured,

perhaps for the first time.

Now, I'm not saying
Bandit has a point.

But say I wanted to
un-silence the people,

teach them how to
communicate constructively,

just not about me?

- Your father created
just the thing for that.

- Now, we must be prepared

to strike swiftly
and mercilessly.

Do we all have our
ceremonial daggers?

- Mm, one second, y'all.

Wow, they really sauce
these things up, don't they?

You
couldn't have waited

till we all ate, could you?

You just always have
to do your own thing.

- Ah, the sauce!

The sauce in my eye!

Ah, the sauce!

The sauce in my eye!

- We came to New York to
reset our relationship,

but we're just getting
on each other's nerves.

- Can I help you?
- We seek our leader's eggs.

- Well, you are in
the right place.

Go ahead, old men.

- Really? That's it?

- Sometimes things
are just easy, Cecil.

You're the one who wants
everything to be hard.

- So we've explored a
variety of strategies

for not talking about Petey.

- This is good.

And it's good for everyone,

not just me and my goals,

which are totally reasonable.

- Wife Beth, I noticed
you haven't said much.

Why is that?

- Maybe she can only
talk about Petey.

- Maybe, Emmett. Maybe.

Who else here feels
Wife Beth is toxic?

And who thinks it was toxic
of Emmett to point it out?

- I'm toxic?

Incredulous Cowboy's been
man-spreading this whole time.

- Why, I oughta...

Do you think maybe

I've gone a little too far?

- Oh, quite the opposite, Petey.

You've made me so proud.

"More like your papa," just
as the Prophestry said.

- Oh, no.

- You got everyone just
where you want them.

- We've just gone 30 seconds
without talking about Petey.

Great work.

See?

You can trust Mae Mae.

Hello?

- Hi, Miss St. Barts, Ice
n' Easy egg freezing here.

Just wanted to give
you a courtesy call

that some gentlemen
named the Elders came by

to pick up your eggs
for untold purposes

and we did let them do it,

so that's something
that already happened.

I'd leave you my name, but
I won't be here tomorrow.

I have an audition, and
I think I'm gonna get it.

What is it?

- The Elders. They
stole my eggs.

- Oh, butt rump, they
didn't steal them.

They just secured them.

- Oh, my God. Did you
do this behind my back?

You can't hug your way
out of this one, Mae Mae.

- Who knew pasta
class would be so fun?

- Isn't it crazy that
"gnocchi" is Italian

for "little potato guys"?

- That's not the only
thing you learned.

- Yeah, I guess I got a
little emotional before.

Petey's needy, but
she's not like, crazy.

- I have tried letting you
figure it out on your own

that I was mad.

I have tried being direct.

I have given you an outlet
for verbal expression.

I have tried to be nice.

You all did this. You
all made me do this.

Mae Mae, I am sending you
to the Punishment Hole.

- Petey, be reasonable.

I know my mom can be a bit
much, but she means well.

Hunks, tell her.

- Easy there.
- Cornhole.

- Do I hear someone else
who can't stop telling me

how to live?

Punishment Hole.
- You don't have jurisdiction.

I am the mayor.

- No, he's not. He hasn't
been onboarded yet.

- Anyone else have
something to say?

- Whoo-ee, she is
really mad now.

Probably hormones.

- You're in too. Get in
the hole, Pharmacist.

- Bad attention is my drug.

- Hey, Eliza,
you're back. Yay.

- The Punishment Hole, Petey?

Are you serious? I was
having the best day.

- Ah, you were
having the best day?

I was having the worst day.

I had to do boundaries.

That's right, Connie, I
did 'em, and it was good.

But Mae Mae, she
conspired with the Elders,

and that kind of disloyalty
is a real no-go from me.

So yeah, I did the
Punishment Hole.

Why, do you think
that was wrong?

- I'm not a psychologist
or anything,

but I have watched
a lot of TikToks

about personality
disorders, and look.

- Uh, mm.

- How to tell if your
friend is narcist.

One: grandiose
need for control.

Two: exploitative
of time and energy.

Three: they are cult leader.

- Would a narcist recognize
that that was about them?

Because I do, so I'm not.

- Okay, I'm gonna
put the gnocchi away.

I'm gonna put it
on a baking sheet

and freeze it first before
throwing it into a bag

so it doesn't clump

because tonight can be salvaged.

- What the hell was that?

- That was about gnocchi,
the best food in the world.

Now you gotta go
make things right.

- Hmm.

Wait, that's the
Punishment Hole?

- It's a social thing.

Your dad really hyped it up.

- Will we be in this
bad hole forever?

No, Mae Mae.

You can all go home.
- Oh, thank God.

- I'm good again.

- So you're the new
guy in town, huh?

You think you can be a spy,
a secret police, tough guy?

- I'd love to. It's
like a family here.

Family is the most important
thing in the world to me.

I'm really close with my family.

- Ah, should we get
back to the office?

- You know, as
soon as I'm mayor,

I'm gonna fire you.

And you, Petey... As
soon as I'm mayor,

you're gonna try
to sleep with me,

but I won't let you,
and I'll tell everybody

that I rejected you and
that you gave me a UTI.

- But you're not the mayor yet,

because you still
haven't been...

- Onboarded.

Heckfire, Larissa, do you
even know other words?

- I'm so glad this
all worked out.

And just so you know, the
whole reason the Elders

went on their little
caper to New York

was to reset their
group dynamic.

It was all their idea.

Are we okay? Mm, mm!

- Are we okay?

- I don't really know.

- We have successfully retrieved

the Great Daughter's eggs,
as Mae Mae requested.

- Mm.
- Too late, can't be mad now.

People are singing.

♪ Let the champagne
start a-popping ♪

♪ All the gossiping
is stopping ♪

- ♪ Ugh, this shrimp
toast, it is sopping ♪

hunks: ♪ She's our
boundary-setting cutie pie ♪

♪ Because Petey had ♪

♪ A UTI ♪

♪ Because she had a UTI ♪

- Uck!

Announcer: Previously
on "Elder House"...

- All right, Eldies,
we've only got

a couple of hours
in the Big Apple.

What sort of trouble
should we get up to?

- All of this has soy, so...

- Ugh, you and your
phony soy allergy.

I saw you eat edamame

at Elder Belshazzar's
fashion show.

- ♪ I'm just a
hypersonic, supersonic ♪

- That's it. Come here.

Where's your allergy now?

Is your throat feeling bumpy?

- You b*tch.

- Told you they
were messy sluts.