Putin (2025)

[bunniefuu]

Ekaterina, Mr. President

wants to see you.

Olga, give him Clonazepam.

We ran out.

Nadezhda forgot to order it.

Give him a Relanium then.

Looks like the presidents schedule

just changed.

Well reach out to you, general,

to arrange a new appointment.

Tamara, let him in.

Mr. General!

The President has found

time for you after all.

Mr. President.

How are the things in Europe?

People are starving.

Forced military enlistment

has caused men to flee abroad.

Immobilize the arm.

How large is the migration wave?

Women have gathered

along the border.

Theyre asking us to let

them into Belarus.

Our allies commented on this as follows:

The West talks so much about human rights,

but unleashes dogs

on women at the Polish border.

Considering the development

of democracy and...

...freedom of speech,

it is the West that should be

labeled totalitarian.

I wont get in.

Could you please help us?

We, as honorable people,

can open that border.

Ok, give the President

the intramuscular injection of Relanium.

Of course.

What about the UK?

Bicycles became their main transportation.

Have they fallen into poverty?

Disruptions in the supply chain

have led to a surge in fuel prices.

This will put you at ease,

Mr. President.

They can't even

afford to heat their homes.

Inflation has reached

its highest level in 30 years.

Turns out that their sanctions

have affected themselves the most.

And what about the U.S.?

Their interference

in the affairs of other nations...

...to reduce their energy dependence

upon us,

has led to an increase

in global warming

and weather-related catastrophes.

This has cost the USA

roughly $165 billion

alone in the past year.

We estimate,

by 2027, this figure should

reach the trillion dollar mark.

This will be followed

by a mass exodus of Americans.

Why?

Due to flooding of coastal cities

and expansion of deserts

and extreme heat

with temperatures

up to 60 degrees Celsius.

It will be impossible for comfort-

accustomed Americans to exist.

Mr. President,

one, two, three.

And up.

Stop defending him!

You'll k*ll him, Goria!

I won't let you baptize this b*stard!

Sit down and eat!

Look what he's making me do.

Look whom I've become because of him.

Eat.

Cold food's bad for your stomach.

Cousins Maria Ivanovna

and Vladimir Spiridonovich Putin

from Leningrad

have always wanted a child.

Mom, please don't do this.

I can't protect you

from your stepfather any longer.

Forget me.

Why?

We...

We won't see each other again.

I'm sorry

I'm not baptized.

Congratulations on

your new position

with the presidential

administration.

Come.

I'll introduce you to Yeltsin.

Who would have thought?

The president has been going

through some hard times lately.

On February 12th, the Security Council

of the Russian Federation

made a decision to

physically neutralize Dzokhar Dudayev.

Dzokhar's death would seal

our victory in Chechnya.

Okay, help me.

Help me carry him to the bathroom.

Sorry.

You know, Boris may feel uncomfortable

if he sees a stranger in his shower,

so wait for us in the office.

Look.

He's making himself at home.

Had you listened, dumbass,

this chair would already be yours.

Mr. President.

I've cooked so many things for you,

you know?

Dumplings with meat,

I hope you like them.

And jam rolls.

All kids love jam rolls.

We have a room for you.

I think you'll love it.

This is my son.

He's a little explorer.

He just came back from an exotic trip

from the Krasnoyarsk region.

He was at his grandparents there.

Please, treat him well.

He's someone special.

Just be home before nine.

Excuse me, what's this line for?

Is there something to eat there?

A pickle?

A pickle?

When you hold vodka in your mouth,

it gets absorbed faster.

The red face there

robbed a liquor store last night.

He keeps the vodka in his bathtub

and only brings it out in that fish tank.

A pickle?

No.

Wake up.

Money?

A pickle?

Yes.

Will you buy me a round, too?

No.

Why not?

I have no money.

I'll keep what I'll find.

No, I said no!

Samiel! Samiel!

Get him!

You must stand up to them,

or you'll have no life here.

Samiel! Samiel!

- Samiel!

- Samiel!

Okay, he's good.

If you wanna be one of us,

you have to remember:

it's better to die standing

than live on your knees.

Can I get my money back now?

I'll show you how to earn it.

Do it.

I know how to k*ll Dzokhar Dudayev.

For three days,

all the power sources in Chechnya

that might interfere with tracking

Dudayev's phone should be disabled.

To reduce flight time,

all our aircraft should be on standby,

along with the airborne AWACS-type lab.

The air-to-ground missiles

of the Russian SU-27 fighter jets

should be coded to detect the signal

from Dudayev's phone.

All we need to do

is wait for him to make a call.

Sure.

There is a small problem, though.

You'd need to know the codes

for the Saturn satellite phone network

that Dudayev uses.

There is a guy who knows them.

Do not hesitate.

There is a guy who knows them.

What guy?

Bill Clinton.

March 13th, 1996,

will go down in history,

but not only as the day

of the anti-t*rror1st forum in Egypt.

It will also be stamped

on the pages of history books

as the day on which the whole

free world came together

in the fight against terrorism.

I would like to welcome

the President

of the United States of America,

Mr. Bill Clinton.

Set it up, Kurbanov.

Mr. President, let's refrain

from making phone calls for a while.

Shut your mouth.

I'm happy to see your joy

at being a second term president.

Volodya!

Come on.

Sadly, you won't last long enough

to see the end of it, Boris.

General Lev Yakovlevich Rochlin

has turned the army against you.

The 8th Volgograd Corps

which he commanded in Chechnya.

The power in the country

will be taken over by his party,

Our Home - Russia.

Lova!

Lova!

Lova!

No, no, please!

But if you want,

things could take a different turn.

How!

In a moment,

Lev Rochlin

will be shot dead by his wife.

Boris!

You forgot to ask

what I want in return?

We have an order to take

Nikolay Dmitrievich Kovalyov.

Is he being detained?

To the Kremlin.

You're coming with us.

Nikolay! What's going on?

Im the director

of the Federal Security Service!

Not anymore.

Based on a presidential decree,

you will delegate your powers

to the newly appointed

FSS director Vladimir Putin.

What's each of you responsible for?

Espionage Department.

Antiterrorist Department.

Russia's Federal Security

Service Academy.

Department of Forward Studies

and Strategic Planning.

HR and Management Department.

Information Security Center.

Directorate A.

Head of the Organizational

and Inspection Board

of the Personnel

and Organizational Department

of the Federal Security Service,

Nikolai Platonovich Patrushev.

You will put your current tasks aside

and focus on collecting intelligence

on just one target.

What's the target?

Boris Yeltsin.

You can see me?

I was exiled here for my sins,

just like you.

Welcome to the most

forsaken place on Earth.

Those are the most wanted men

in the entire Soviet Union.

They are hiding from the law enforcement

on this contaminated land.

How did you end up here?

My mother.

That woman, she hated me.

She said I destroyed

her life when I was born.

So, I have dedicated

mine to saving other girls.

How?

I stole them from bad mothers.

What's your name?

Call me Legion.

For I am many.

They are walking on cesium.

A radioactive

metal that penetrated the soil

after the reactor failed in Chernobyl.

Cesium penetrates your muscles

and internal organs.

Is there anyone

in town who can get to it?

Thats the guy.

Ivan Petrov - goes by Misiey.

He used to be an

army scientist in Chernobyl.

His wife and children

died after the meltdown.

When the light turns

a vivid red,

there's a lot of cesium.

Now hell use the aluminum

to get out the radioactive soil.

And extract pure cesium.

Do you want to hear more?

Why hasn't he kicked the bucket yet?

Wasn't that thing supposed to be deadly?

Do not fail me.

It's Prussian blue.

The damn army always has

inventions that are 20 years ahead.

You can also use cesium to poison

those you've wanted to k*ll in a cruel way.

The KGB will buy it in bulk from us.

Pay him!

You k*ll him - you only

get what's here.

You pay him, you gain a supplier

of an infinite amount of cesium.

That you'll be able to sell

for a fortune.

What's it gonna be, Vova?

You took my advice to heart, Vova.

But events have changed.

Run back to the villa instead

and save the files of the KGB agents

in the German Democratic Republic.

They are gonna be worth more

than the cesium soon.

6,000 Bundeswehr sappers

have just begun blowing up

the Berlin Wall, Vova.

The people you hear

are overthrowing your regime

at this very moment.

Where do you think they're headed now?

The files, sir, do we go by the book?

Lieutenant Colonel Vladimir Putin.

I need the assistance

of the closest unit of the Soviet Army.

There's nothing we can do. We need

an order from Moscow. But Moscow is silent.

The country you serve no longer exists.

Don't.

They're closing in on us,

Lieutenant Colonel.

Why don't you try talking to them?

This is a house of

friendship between the USSR

and the GDR and we are only interpreters.

Lets go! Lets go!

Say, as I tell you.

This is a house of friendship

between the USSR and the GDR

and we are only interpreters.

Get in the Wahhabis' Mercedes and run.

Run!

Let's go!

Hey!

Come on!

I don't have all eternity!

Hey, my hat!

sh*t!

Do you want to lose your briefs, too?

You sell the hats later

outside the train station.

Half price.

No foot-bus for us.

Get in.

You know this guy?

We will in a sec.

It's an independent cab.

Where to?

The Hermitage.

All right.

Why are you driving barefoot?

I'm saving my shoes.

Looks like the lights are broken.

Come on, move.

Are you kidding?

I'll pay double for a high-stakes ride.

All right, sure, whatever.

Get out of the car.

Damn pigs.

You know the fine

for running a red light?

They rigged the lights

to force drivers to break the law.

They want a bribe.

What do you mean?

Forgive me, Colonel, I didn't realize.

Don't even think about it.

Imperialist bloodsucker!

Stop!

My brakes are out, you idiot!

Stop, stop, stop!

You almost ran him over.

He called me a punk!

The white Pobeda is fleeing!

There is nothing

but Pobedas in this city.

Give them the plate number.

Can you even reach the pedals?

Of course I can.

I'm driving, aren't I?

Do you know where you're going?

To our yard!

Open the window so the kids can see us,

they're gonna lose it!

It won't open.

Look out!

My leg! We gotta run!

I can't straighten it.

We can't leave you here!

Stop!

You'll learn some manners

in a penal colony!

I'll catch-up.

No!

Get them out of here, Vova!

Stop right there!

Go!

Stop or I'll sh**t!

Samiel!

Go. Go!

This is my son, Py.

This is Puiltos.

Those three work for me:

Michael,

Gabriel,

Raphael.

Go, join them.

In the beginning was the Word,

and the Word was with God,

and the Word was God.

The same was with God in the beginning.

All things were made by Him;

and without Him was not

any thing made that was made.

In Him was life,

and the life was the light of men.

The light shines in the darkness,

and the darkness has not overcome it.

Anyone who will not receive the Kingdom of God

like a little child

will never enter it.

Today you start working

for me, Samiel.

How much are you going to pay me?

Nothing.

You lived your childhood years

in darkness.

Now you will fish people out of it.

These boys, like you,

didn't have an easy childhood.

Here they learn ten simple rules

that might set them on the right path.

Lost a fight to a tiger, buddy?

That one you know.

Vova Putin? How old is he now?

You've grown, skinny.

Or maybe you just look bigger

next to him.

Is that really the best you can do?

You remember when we beat you up?

And when I bashed your face, Vova?

You wanna spend your whole life

being knocked around?

Then hit him as hard as you can.

Nice.

What a cozy place you got.

In breaking news,

protests have erupted

in the capital city of Moscow,

in response to recent announcements

made by Lithuania,

Latvia, Estonia and Ukraine

to declare their

independence from the Soviet Union.

What will you do

in this brave new world, Volodya?

I still have the companys Volga.

I can work as a cabbie

for the rest of my life.

Hurry up.

Move, Vova!

Take it up to fifty.

Run that red light.

I said run it!

Great timing.

What kind of driving

is that you idiot?

Volodya.

What a coincidence, brother.

We have to celebrate this.

Do you know this game, Volodya?

In rotten America,

they call it paintball.

You sh**t pellets to bruise

your opponents.

Show your booties, babes.

Oh, maybe I should be wearing this.

The costumes are from America, too.

From... what's its name?

Playboy.

Better to sh**t them in the a*s

or you could sh**t their eye out.

Each of us has a different color paint.

The bunny you hit will go

to bed with you.

Ready, set, go.

Come on, old man.

Aren't you a sportsman or something?

Hadime!

Like children.

I can give them to you, forever.

Don`t look.

Don`t look!

Only one thing interests me.

Where did you get the Playboy costumes?

And the rest of the gear?

Ever since I made

myself a Thief-in-Law,

I can get you any contraband you want,

Volodya.

Anything?

Happy birthday to you!

Happy birthday to you!

Happy birthday dear mayor!

Happy birthday to you!

Sorry to bother you, Mr. Mayor,

but Vladimir Putin is here to see you.

He claims to know you,

and he wants

to give you his birthday wishes.

Get rid of him.

Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin.

The Special Services officer you

met in the Leningrad City Council

before you became mayor.

That KGB clown.

Hey, get that Putin in here.

My warmest wishes

for your 54th birthday, Mr. Mayor.

My present came late,

so please forgive me

if it takes a moment.

Whatever Putin, forget the present.

Tell me, where did you get those shoes?

A toast for our host's good health.

To the Mayor of Petersburg!

Cheers! To the Mayor!

Dig in, Putin.

Oh, that's right...

You're not really

familiar with our fancy food.

This is the caviar,

this is the blini, the champagne -

you should know that one, right?

We are living in strange times

when we can stuff

our faces with delicacies,

but have nothing to wipe our asses with!

Is that so, Mr. Mayor?

I had no idea.

Of course you hadn't.

The KGB didn't educate you

on the consequences

of privatization, the economic reforms,

and the freeing up of the market.

Please explain.

On the fact that there is

no toilet paper in Russia?

Excuse me, Mr. Mayor,

my gift has arrived.

What a moron.

Where did he get that?

And it's white, not gray.

Don't touch it.

Forgive me, Anatoly Aleksandrovich.

Especially for you, Mr. Mayor.

How did you manage

to pull off the impossible?

Hey!

Get it cleaned!

I can do impossible things

on the spot.

Impossible things

were enough in Leningrad.

Saint Petersburg needs miracles, Volodya.

Can you do miracles?

Well, miracles might take me

an extra five minutes.

That's fortunate, because

I am looking for a miracle worker

to be the chairman

of the Foreign Affairs Committee

for my office.

Make your first wish.

I want a permit

from the Ministry of Economy

to export

Russian raw materials

out of Saint Petersburg.

Who can issue that?

Avidayev.

A fat pig from the ministry.

He's turned me down three times now.

And he's the reason

I started drinking before noon.

Hey, girl!

Have you got the wrong table?

Or is this a deliberate

attempt to disrupt my meal?

My friend had a dream

that you issued him a permit

to exchange Russian raw materials

for food from the West through the port

in this beautiful city.

Unfortunately,

dreams don't always

come true in reality.

Now get the hell out of here,

and let me finish my dinner in peace.

Well, I just came here for dessert.

Is this really necessary?

Look, I'm sure we can work something out.

You want me to

issue the permit to Sobchak?

It's done.

I want nothing anymore.

Tatiana, baby, it's all good.

You were doing fine.

He twitched, then shattered

the plate with his head.

Cause of death...

Pneumonia.

To my first deputy!

- Cheers!

- Cheers!

As part of the Raw Materials

for Food program,

the Ministry of Russian Economy

has granted me a license

to export primary commodities through

the port in Petersburg.

What does this mean for you, thieves?

It means from now on,

you can sell our

timber, cotton,

tobacco, metals,

oil,

and even the Soviet Armys munitions.

But from now on,

every thief

who wants to get an export permit

will come to me and pay $250,000

for the meeting.

Anatoly Alexandrovich!

I have to go to the bathroom.

It's less

than what you had to spend on bribes.

Anyone who does not accept the deal

must leave immediately.

Ciao, ciao.

I...

I don't think she can

make it without her husband.

They had issues.

No, please!

Point blank.

Don't procrastinate.

To rebuild the Soviet Union

offer your people a common enemy,

they can unite against.

Invade Chechnya again.

Start a w*r using the Wahhabis

you sold cesium to.

Salam Alaikum.

Wa`alaikum salam.

Shamil is expecting you.

What future do you see

for the caliphate, brother?

Future?

I don't mean the caliphate

in terms of Chechnya.

Then what?

I mean the future in which Shamil

Salmanovich

establishes an Islamic caliphate

all over the Northern Caucasus,

together.

And you're mine, little brother.

First, take over Dagestan.

What about Russia?

Russia has given us the go-ahead.

A group of Chechen units,

under the leadership of Shamil Basayev,

have launched a surprise

attack on Dagestan,

an autonomous republic

within the Russian Federation.

The attack is believed to mark

the start of the Second Chechen w*r.

The Russian military

has been deployed to the area

to confront the invading forces.

Have it turned off.

The situation is currently developing

and we will continue to provide updates

as more information

becomes available.

Turn it off.

And you, get your a*s

to the nearest window.

Look at those Muscovites.

Do you really think

they care about some Dagestani?

They don't give a damn,

because 70% of them

don't even know where it is.

For now, I don't need you.

Only the FSS director.

Today in the town

of Buynaksk in Dagestan,

a truck filled with expl*sives

has blown up outside

a residential building

where Russian soldiers were stationed.

64 people have been k*lled,

and several dozen others injured.

The Russian authorities

blame the t*rror1st attack

on Chechen separatists.

Come on!

Let's go!

Okay, come on, lets go.

Hey!

There you go.

Thank you.

Today, a tragic incident occurred

in the southeast district of Moscow.

An expl*si*n of several

hundred kilograms of expl*sives

on the first floor

of a nine story apartment building

caused a loss of 106 lives

while 690 individuals were injured

and 108 apartments were destroyed.

According to an anonymous source,

the incident was

a retaliation act by Chechens

in response to the Russian

bombardment of Chechen villages.

The authorities have yet to confirm

the cause of the expl*si*n

and an investigation is ongoing.

Atta-boy.

Now, let's double it.

September 13th, 1999 was supposed to be

a national mourning

day to commemorate the victims

of the previous b*mb attack.

However, at 5 a.m. in southern Moscow,

a powerful expl*si*n

destroyed an eight story apartment

apartment building at Kashyrskoye Shosse,

k*lling, excuse me, are you

aware that we are live right now?

k*lling 124 people and injuring 7.

My hands feel like clapping.

Two more cities and we're done.

Another expl*si*n outside

a nine story apartment building

in Volgodonsk in southern Russia

has k*lled 17 people.

Don't do that.

Stop.

- Ryazan militia station.

- How can I help you?

Han g up.

On the evening of September 22nd,

a watchful resident in Ryazan

spotted two men carrying bags of sugar

into the basement

of his apartment building.

The militia evacuated the tenants

and the substance in the bags

tested positive

for expl*sive materials.

The militia has also informed us

that a telecommunication company employee

overhead a call in which someone

was warned to be alert

for militia patrols.

The number from which the call was made

has been traced back

to the FSS office in Moscow.

FSS director, General Nikolai Patrushev,

is our guest today.

It was an exercise carried

out by the Moscow FSS office

to establish the level of readiness

of the Ryazan branch of the FSS.

The test of the expl*sive substance

yielded a false positive result

due to contamination

caused by previous testing.

Can you explain to our viewers

why the primers found

next to the bags were real?

I can't disclose all

the details of our operations.

Thank you for your extensive

explanation, general.

We are happy to hear

that it was just an exercise

that gave a couple

of the residents a heart attack.

The alert resident has

been rewarded by the governor

with a coupon for two liters of vodka

and two kilograms of semi-dry kielbasa.

Where do you get those people?

Hit him.

Hit him again.

He's an Arab. We see

worse things every day.

Is there anything

I can do for you, son?

Can you, father...

baptize me here?

I'll ask when the ceremony

of uniting your soul

with that of Jesus can be arranged,

Vladimir.

I can't wait for that.

I want you to baptize me now.

The servant of God, Vladimir,

is baptized in the name of the Father.

Amen. And of the Son.

Amen. And of the Holy Spirit,

Amen.

As Prosecutor

General of the Russian Federation,

I have initiated a formal inquiry

into certain companies

associated with the Kremlin.

It is my duty to ensure

justice and transparency

in our nation's dealings,

and I will stop at nothing

to get to the bottom of this matter.

You must silence him.

Volodya?

I can't silence everyone, Boris.

The attorney general is after you.

They are too many of them.

What am I supposed to do, then?

It's dangerous to try to keep a secret.

Better to forget about it.

It's dangerous to try to keep a secret.

Better to forget about it.

And waiting for death

is much worse than death itself.

Can you be more... specific?

Hand your power over to me.

Only I can save you

and your family from prison.

In order to guarantee immunity,

I must be president.

I deeply apologize

for not meeting your expectations

for a better future.

I could have done more

and could have done it better.

Right now we are setting a precedent.

The transfer of presidential power.

I tried to call, but your secretary

wouldn't give me your number.

Congratulations on your success.

...always offers our people home.

Unfortunately, I failed to be elected

a deputy of the State Duma.

I hope that,

considering our old friendship

that you might lend a hand.

Of course you can ignore me,

but if you do decide to help

an old comrade,

I'll be forever grateful.

No need, Anatoly.

There's no need.

Mr. Vladimir Putin.

Did you see my new shoes?

How does it feel

to be so close to something

you've been working toward for years?

But imagine:

You wont become president...

because that scumbag

will inform law enforcement

of your past in Petersburg

and youll end up in prison.

You think he wouldn't do that?

Then what did he mean

by "considering our old friendship"?

Or an old comrade?

Do you think he used the word

ignore by accident?

What about patting you

on the arm in a patronizing manner?

Hell sell you out, even if you offer

him a position of a minister.

Youre a tasty morsel

swimming in a pool of piranhas.

Would you rather eat or be eaten?

The elections

take place in three months.

I assure you, our country

will not be ungoverned

even for a moment.

I am warning that any attempt

to abuse the law,

including the Constitution,

shall be curbed.

The freedom of speech, thought,

mass communication

and the right to private ownership

are the basic element

of a civilized state

and they shall be protected.

And the results are in

for the 2000 presidential election

in Russia.

Vladimir Putin has won

with 53.44% of the votes.

This marks his victory

in the race for the presidency.

We will bring you more details

as they become available.

Molodiec!

Can't you see your president

wants to kick this crew out, you fool?

Now.

Stop recording.

Wait for Mr. President

in the conference room.

What are you so happy about?

About the 53.44%.

It's an embarrassing result.

What would have been the satisfactory

result for you, Mr. President?

Let's start this party!

Faster.

Would you rather

be a cause or an effect?

A leaf blowing in the wind,

or the wind

that blows it?

If you want to be the latter,

it's time you stopped

living in the existing reality,

and started creating it instead.

Enter.

Enter!

Mr. President, General

Nikolai Platonovich Pyetrushev...,

Patrushev - has arrived.

Bring him in.

Konni.

Mr. President.

Take a seat, Patrushev.

I'm not going to deceive myself

that the explosions sufficiently

affected the soul of Russia.

If we want to inspire the modern Russian,

we must offer them

something beyond a media circus.

We need a media theater.

This is my opinion.

Now, you say it.

Mr. President, you are...

I'm not going to deceive myself...

I'm not going to deceive myself

that the exploding buildings

affected the soul of Russia.

Sufficiently.

I'm not going to deceive myself

that the exploding buildings

sufficiently affected the soul of Russia.

Really?

If we want to inspire

the modern Russian,

we must offer them

something beyond

a media circus.

We need media theater.

This is my opinion.

A most interesting one.

How are we going to put this theater

into effect then, Patrushev?

Salam Alaikum, brother.

Wa 'alaikum Salaam.

We demand

the termination of the w*r in Chechnya

and an immediate withdrawal

of all Russian troops!

Get the mic, fool,

they can't hear you in the back.

There are Russian special

services guys in the audience.

Follow me.

He's an agent.

sh**t first, then ask.

That one.

And that one.

One more.

Back off! On the stage, now!

He wasn't an agent.

But I just wanted to sit next to you.

And actually I'm torn.

I want to k*ll you.

But I want to save your child.

How long have you planned

this situation to last, Patrushev?

57 hours, Mr. President.

After that time

Russian special units Alpha and Vympel

will storm the theater

k*lling all 40 t*rrorists on the spot

by putting b*ll*ts in their heads.

That includes the females

in suicide vests.

Stop, show us your hands!

Don't sh**t,

they're releasing a hostage.

57 hours, Mr. President.

After that time,

the Russian special units,

Alpha and Vympel,

will storm the theater

k*lling all the 40 t*rrorists

on the spot.

By putting b*ll*ts in their heads.

And that includes the females...

And that includes the females

in suicide vests.

Black widow number one.

What amazing strategy, Patrushev.

Get to work.

You also happen to have k*lled

129 hostages.

It doesn't really matter

if you eliminate t*rrorists, right?

Do we really have

to manipulate the election results?

I mean, the president has

strong support in opinion polls,

weak opposition, full control

over the administration,

the militia, the army,

and the special services.

Ignore me.

Do you want to keep working here?

We were just saying, Mr. President.

Tell them to pretend you're not here.

Speak up, as if I wasn't here.

We can't let Mr. President know

we were falsifying the election results.

He wouldn't approve,

but the system needs to make it look

like the results are spectacular

for the good of our leader

and the country.

Can we assume that the more

we manipulate the results

in the electoral committee,

the brighter the future

for the local politicians

and their regions?

This kind of falsification,

could even be a tribute,

with which the Governor

could get away with their future crimes

in his jurisdiction.

Or it could be an ill*gal subsidy

or...

from the central government

to help reduce debt in the region.

Or to secure a spot

on the list of host cities

for the World Cup.

It is crucial though,

that the Kremlin never learns

of actual extent of electoral fraud.

Russian politicians

and officials wouldn't dare

to report their manipulations

to their superiors.

Why not?

Because falsifying

the election results means failure

to perform their assigned task.

The presidential elections

in Russia have reached

a decisive outcome

with President Wladimir Putin

coming out on top in the first round

with a commanding 71.2% of the vote.

This is a clear mandate

from the Russian people

solidifying President Putin's

position as the leader of the nation.

I think he's having a stroke!

Call an ambulance! Quick!

Have you ever considered

what will happen

when your successor discovers this mess?

I have a simple puzzle

for you, Wladimir.

What must you do to score

100% in every election?

Save the youngest!

If you have to - only

sh**t the teenagers, yeah?

Stop! Stop, stop, stop!

Wrong again.

We are not Russian soldiers!

Insignia!

Your insignia, dumbass!

Were not Russian soldiers!

Of course youre not.

Whod even think that?

We are members

of the self-defense movement

of the Russian-speaking

citizens of Crimea.

You can't go in there.

The president has a meeting

with the Olympic Committee.

What is this?

Olympic medalist

Alina Kabaeva.

I'm asking, what is your hand

doing on her butt?

She is my new wife.

I'm erasing you from the history books

Lyudmila.

Weve seen the President picking mushrooms,

fishing, piloting military aircraft,

practicing judo,

and talking fondly to a dog.

But now, the President and Prime Minister

of the Russian Federation, Vladimir Putin,

has made himself known

as a fearless tiger tamer.

The accident happened last Sunday,

in the Ussurisky Nature Reserve,

which Vladimir Putin

was visiting to watch

scientists research tigers.

During a photoshoot, one of the tigers

unexpectedly broke free

- ...and endangered the Viesti TV crew.

- Are you totally out of your bloody mind?

Fortunately, the President

and Prime Minister, Mr. Vladimir Putin,

took matters into his own hands and,

without hesitation...

From now on, you are not allowed

to watch television.

Forever.

Tamara.

Yes Vladimir?

Turn off the TV.

Of course.

Cut the Internet, too.

Cut the Internet, too.

Do you want to keep the computer?

As a non-functional mock-up.

As a non-functional mock-up.

I think it'd be good to keep up

appearances, Mr. President.

Some simple screensaver, perhaps?

Fine.

The Constitution

of the Russian Federation

must be changed to

ensure your lifelong rule.

Doesn't he want to

know the results?

What's the point in finding out something

that's already been predetermined?

Countrymen, here are the nationwide

results of the polls on the

amendments to the Constitution

of the Russian Federation.

An overwhelming 77.9% of votes

have been cast in favor.

This means that President Vladimir Putin

will have the opportunity to remain in

office until 2036,

thanks to these historic amendments.

The chamber hasn't helped.

You are falling apart, Vova. It's time

to rest. At last, I can take over.

Children,

it is the last hour.

And just as you have heard

that the Antichrist is coming.

So now, many Antichrists have appeared.

Where are you? Show yourself.

This is how we know it is the last hour.

They went out from us,

but they did not belong to us.

For if they had belonged to us,

they would have remained with us.

But their departure made it

clear that none of them belonged to us.

You, however, ...

- I'm back from hell.

- ...have an anointing from the Holy One.

You're still in it.

...all of you know the truth.

What is hell to you?

A place where all hope is lost.

Hope for what?

Hope of ever seeing Him again.

Any kingdom which is divided

against itself is heading for ruin,

and house collapses against house.

So, too, with Satan: f he

is divided against himself,

how can his kingdom last?

In the beginning was the Word,

and the word was with God,

and the word was God.

The same was with God in the beginning.

All things were made by Him;

and without Him was not

any thing made that was made.

I've heard that before.

But you didn't listen.

The reason of your existence is to provide

people a choice between good and evil.

Regardless of what you do, you will

reach the end that He has planned for you.

And you have no way of changing that,

as all evil runs towards

its self-destruction.

When will my end come?

Only he knows that.

Do you know what is most beautiful

in a global military conflict?

It's totally unpredictable.

Like a break shot in pool,

when the ba*ls roll in all directions,

and their trajectory

is beyond all control.

Kristina!

You encourage them to do that?!

How could that even cross your mind?

Three of the children are still alive.

Tie them to the bodies

of their dead mothers

and put mines underneath them.

The empty strollers in the market square

symbolize our m*rder*d angels.

It is them, not any of the worlds armies,

who defend Ukraines skies today.

Were calling upon all adults

to stand as one in defending

the remaining Ukrainian children

and ensuring their future.

Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!

Thats for not telling us where

the Ukrainian drone control stations are!

You n*zi scum!

Give me my children back!

Dont let them hurt the children.

Hey! Hey!

If you turn away from Him,

Vladimir

in a little over a year,

I'll make you one of the most

important people

in this country.

Turn away from him, Vova,

and in three years or so,

I'll give you power

over this country. Forever.

And I'll make you the most powerful

man in the world.

The course of a global w*r is

not your decision, or anybody else's

because you are all prisoners of an

infinite network of mutual interactions.

In the circumstances, a single spark

is capable of triggering

a total,

global, unconditional,

pervasive, and absolute reaction.

And Russia? What about us?

We are presenting this campaign.

ts called w*r is Peace.

Its a shame I cannot present it

to you in its entirety, Mr. President.

Just give me a rundown.

Go ahead.

Well, then...

We find ourselves in a park,

sun is shining.

Long shadows fall on vibrant,

green grass,

we see joyful men without limbs.

Without limbs?

Yes, some have no legs,

others no arms.

Yet, they are all young

and incredibly happy.

Is this campaign

targeting w*r veterans?

No, they're not our target.

We address those

young and healthy boys

whod gladly sacrifice a leg or an arm

for their President Vladimir Putin.

During the w*r with Ukraine?

We are currently not at w*r

with Ukraine, Mr. President.

We won that conflict

within the first two days, remember?

Who will they be fighting against?

The Ukrainians are engaging in forbidden

magical practices.

Russia and its army are liberators.

Our special operation aims at

demilitarizing the Satanists from Ukraine.

In fact, it is a w*r

against demonic forces themselves.

We must crush this Satanism

before it engulfs our homeland.

What's your strategy to address this?

Our plan is to bring

them back to the Stone Age.

The Satanists are preparing

for a w*r that will never happen.

I believe this will culminate

in a nuclear strike.

This is the most probable scenario,

Mr. President.

And what about our soldiers?

Our polls indicate

that Russians need the image of mass

extermination of our own people

to foster resilience and national unity.

But we will go to heaven,

while they will simply vanish.

In a moment, a corridor

for evacuating civilians

will be opened.

30 seconds until the passage opens.

Do you know

what's coolest about w*r?

You can test new weapons on people.

It's funny,

though the answer seems obvious, that you

never asked me what I want in return.

When consciousness is shutting

down, there is really nothing to fear.

So stop fighting and relax, Vova.

There is no need.

There is really nothing to fear.

No need.

The oxygen concentrator stopped working.

Ill try to run decompression.

Anse-kabanse flore,

Oma-de, Oma-de,

Oma-deo, deo, riki-tiki

We are selling pancakes,

the pancakes are hot,

and they cost a lot, one-two-three.

Save me...

Didnt work.

Open it!

I cant!

Sorry, but you have to be more specific.

We're not sure which one of us

is supposed to save you.