01x01 - The White Ridge

[bunniefuu]

Oh, my God.

The fairy chair is still here.

Aye, they call this circle

The Lucky Hoop.

- Yeah?

- I don't know why.

- You're a scut. Yeah.

- Me?

Not at all.

You are, though.

You're a right scut.

"Five, four, three, two, one!"

"Happy New Year!"

I suppose you went and organized

all this for me, did you?

New Millenium?

f*cking over it already.

There's too many trees.

You hot dope.

Easy, tiger!

God loves a trier.

Seamie!

Seamie, what the f*ck is happening?

"sh*t!

Stupid water!"

So, a lot of feedback on the script.

Some of it good.

"Well, I am excited."

"Kudos to Wendy

for optioning that book. Boy."

- "What a page-turner, huh?"

- It sure is a quick read.

"And where are we with locations?"

We're close. Yeah, we're

We're rounding third.

Europe's got a lot of options

as you'd expect with a historical piece.

"And we've yet to sign off on that

lakeside location in Ireland, is that right?"

We've narrowed it down

to two locations in the North West.

Seems to be a straight choice

between Drumban in the north and Boyle

which apparently

is more pleasant than it sounds.

I fly over to sign off

on the final location later today.

"Did I hear that your hometown

is still in the mix, Wendy?"

If they'll let me back in, sir.

Worth reminding everyone that

current tax incentives make Boyle

south of the border, the much

more attractive financial option.

"Pina colada?

Table 4?"

How's everything at home, sir?

"Oh, staying safe, Wendy.

Staying safe."

"You know, I'm hoping to get back

into the office very soon."

Yeah, I don't know what I would do

if my dog was immuno-compromised.

Kudos for keeping

your family safe.

Circling back to locations

I have some thoughts.

- Honestly, sir, I have no skin in the game.

- I think

I haven't been there

since I was a teenager

which is nearly a decade now.

"Well, be safe out there, Wendy."

You too, sir.

Don't let any books

drop on you.

"What, what

What was that?"

No, I was just

Okay, I'll check in from the road.

"Alright.

Signing off."

"The f*ck?"

f*ck's in Fiji.

- Good luck.

- Thanks, Wendy.

One sec, Wendy.

- Look, I know you're on your way

- Yet, here you are.

but I realize that this is a big step up

from your previous projects

and I think it goes without saying that

location is a very big, big decision.

So, it's important that we make it

with our heads, right, not our hearts?

- Does that make sense to you?

- It makes so much sense, Brad.

- Great!

- So, I'll assess both locations

on their merits, and then choose

the location that best suits our needs.

Well, if you're sure?

Do I sound unsure?

- I'll check in from the road.

- Okay.

These f*cking stairs

"Doors closing."

Do I sound unsure?

Do I sound unsure?

"It's television, so don't expect them

to tell you what really happened."

No offence, but why are they even

making a TV show about history anyway?

- Been there, done that.

- I don't think it's about history.

From what I've been told, it's about

myths and folklore, which is

Oh, same-same.

Not same-same, Brendan

history is the story of what happened to us

as best we know it.

Whereas myths

is the story we tell ourselves

when the history is too boring

or indeed too brutal to repeat.

We can learn from history

but you can't learn from fairytales.

I don't care if they cast me

as Queen Maeve

I'm not taking my top off for it.

I'll let them know.

"I can't imagine

any of this will matter, anyway."

"I'm sure they'll choose some

other stupid town to film their show in"

"which means we can keep ourselves

a little secret from the world."

f*ck!

Fecking, birds.

They are coming for you, doctor?

Do I owe them money, Betty?

If they come back

will you tell them I'm in Lanzarote?

They've waited forever to see you.

Well, maybe if my house calls

didn't take so long?

Will you follow the light

please, Mrs. Battles?

Miss Battles, please, doctor.

Mr. Battles has been making

the ground colder for thirty years now.

You're married, aren't you

Seamus.

Yeah, that's my name.

The wife has a name

of her own, no doubt.

And one of these days, by God

I swear, I'll learn it.

Your blood pressure's a little high.

Will you promise to take it easy

on the rowing machine?

Well, I've clearly been overindulging myself

with excessive masturbation, Séamus.

It's an issue I've struggled

with my whole life.

I might head off, so

Cool enough, Seamie.

I'll walk you out.

Mere grains of sand are we,

floating uselessly through space and time.

Grains of sand

fighting over who's the wettest.

Right you are, Mammy.

No, thanks for making the house call.

I know we're out of the way.

- Did you pay the doctor, Barry?

- I did, Mammy.

I mean, that's not

really the way it works.

But don't worry

the doctor will be well taken care of.

That makes one of us, so

She's some woman.

- Aye.

- I'll

I'll see you on the pitch

later so, Seamie.

You will.

Thanks again for

that.

God, you're a big family

for the masturbation, Barry.

We're so close!

- I'm not that close.

- What?

No, like, spatially.

Like, both of our faces are so close!

- Do you want to go first, or

- No, you work away.

I've only Year 2

Boston Tea Party sh*t.

Do you need a hand, or

I'm sure I'll manage.

- "Carol Chapman."

- "Yeah."

"Tony Lombardi

did I tell you about Tony?"

Yeah, I know, Mum. I'm totally

caught up with who died this year.

"Oh, from my texts?"

- Oh, my ride's here.

- "Okay, Wendy."

"I'll call the same time next week."

"Apparently, Geena Lopez

is on her last legs."

No, Mum, I'm going to be

in Ireland for the next month

remember, for the show?

- "Oh."

- The time difference is a bit funky

so I might be a little quiet.

"Are you sure

you're ready to go back?"

- "B is for border."

- "We're right by it."

Yeah, I am.

It's work.

They'll make fun of my silly new ways

I'll make fun of theirs.

It'll be a hoot.

"Will it, I'd rather be

with Tony Lombardi."

The neighbors are going to watch Wanda

so obviously she's been giving me

the silent treatment all day.

"You think you'll see

your father and what's-her-t*ts?"

Yeah, I might try to swing by.

"Well, that sounds stressful as f*ck."

"Don't drink too much."

I don't drink too much, Mum.

"And don't smoke too much."

Got to go.

I love you.

"I could come with you?"

- "Wendy?"

- Bye bye.

b*tch!

Watch it!

Sophie!

Been meaning to ask how your young

ones are coming along, Seamie?

Well, you know those plans

we had for the clubhouse trophy room?

Trophy room?

I'd ditch the idea of building an extension

is all I'm saying.

Oh, not the most talented footballers?

- I have a theory.

- I don't think we even have a trophy shelf.

These lads and lasses were

all born in the year 2007

when we had an awful issue

with the local water supply.

The contamination

at the reservoir?

This is where my theory comes in

with regards to the kids out there

and their allergic reaction

to kicking a ball straight.

You think dead sheep water

is to blame, doctor?

Well, it's certainly

not the coaching, Barry.

God forbid.

f*ck!

Why are they switching the lights on?

Trust me, there's nothing worth

illuminating on that pitch.

Alright

same time next week.

We'll try again, and fail better.

Did you hear the news

about the TV production?

Huh?

The last I heard, we were among a bunch

of small towns, parading ourselves around

like some kind of rural

beauty queens

looking for one last spin

on the dancefloor.

Well, we're down

to the last two beauty queens.

Well, we must

invest in a giant sash.

Well, speaking of sashes

McCurdle has called

a strategy meeting tonight.

Well, then the opera

shall have to wait.

To the White Ridge it is!

Come on, Barry!

You're it!

- It's your move.

- I know.

"We have Joyce replenishing

the flowerbeds twice-weekly now."

"And when they had

their last location scout"

we had the walking club write

welcome in sticks down by the river.

- Ooh, aye, I saw that.

- Nice, sticks.

- That's a nice touch Barbara

- It feels like

it's just a waiting game now, Seamie.

It's all about the tax breaks.

If they go for a town south

of the border, it'll be Boyle.

- Gem of a town, that.

- Aye.

And if they go for a town north

of the border, it'll be us.

It's as simple as that, isn't it?

I don't see it so simple.

- Here we go.

- Do you not, Keith?

No, because I Googled it

and TV programs the likes of this

have budgets of tens of millions

of pounds to spend every year.

I'm not going to lie to you

we could find a decent use

for that kind of money, boys.

Go kart track.

Drumban's had a rough time of it.

we've had the recession, the smoking ban

Sheep-gate, the magnet mine closing

the pandemic, the abundance of nettles

keeping all the tourists away.

No town

has had it easy, Keith.

Ah, wisht you! Look, Boyle

is as charming a town as there is

and there's nobody can deny that.

But is it not too metropolitan

for what they need?

How would you know

what they need?

How would you know

what they need?

- What age are we? Cut it out, will you?

- No, you cut it out!

I didn't set up this committee

for you to be nagging me all night.

Lads, lads, listen.

I'll be the first to admit, I also find

Barry's voice very dull, and mumble-y.

But we can't bicker about

Barry's horribly dull and mumble-y voice

every time we set up a committee

or we'll have to stop

setting up committees, Keith.

I'm a baritone in the choir.

I'm a baritone in the choir.

How's about I just head down to Boyle

and see where we're placed?

Great farm-to-table options.

I have a cousin in Rooskey

who keeps bees.

That could be handy.

We could sting them out.

Yeah, I'll just have a wee nosey.

You know, maybe visit their beautiful

Cistercian monastery or

take a stroll

by their new canal?

Make notes, take photos.

Yes, that's a great idea, Keith.

That's a great idea, Keith.

Does she have a silly little mouth

like butter wouldn't melt?

You're never going to get it.

"Rain, more than forty-five miles."

"One thousand and thirty-five"

Have you had any news

on the college front?

I can just talk louder, you know?

"A low, humble nine-nine-nine."

I haven't met a pair of headphones

that can stop me yet!

"Low, one hundred miles."

- "West"

- Definitely not in a car!

"Expecting"

- So much bird sh*t on your car.

- Aye.

Just born lucky, I guess.

"The area forecast begins moderate,

becoming cyclonic - six-two-eight later."

"Wind travelling in from

The Atlantic, bringing heavy rains."

"The wanderers return."

Your dinner's in the bin.

And honestly, you're better for it.

Sorry, there was a strategy meeting.

- What, for I Am Celt thing?

- Aye.

What a load of shite.

Still shocked

you didn't make the committee.

Hi, Sonny.

Your evening good?

Yeah, night.

Love our chats.

I think he's just wrecked.

Wanted to ask him if he's been chasing

up those college re-applications.

Yeah, yeah, you should.

Do you want a lift into bed?

Sure I'll manage.

But you've the finest manager

in all of Ireland right here.

Oh, easy.

Sorry

"Can I get you anything?"

Hi!

Can I get you anything?

Can I get you anything?

- Excuse me?

- How much longer until we land?

Oh, shouldn't be more than an hour.

Will it be

your first time in Ireland?

No.

Oh, do you have a bathroom?

On the plane?

- Yeah

- I mean, where Where is your bathroom?

Well, we've two in front

and there's three more behind us.

I think the two in the front

are occupied, so

No, it's alright.

I don't need to use it, thanks.

Has it always been this damp?

Ice caps and that, I suppose.

Second turn

after the bridge, please?

Quick hi and bye.

A while since you've been back?

Twenty years, maybe more.

You lost the accent.

Barely made it through customs.

That's a fair few years, though.

Mammy will have the dinner on.

Not sure

my stepmother's much of a cook.

I've been booked to take you

to Belmore Manor. Will I

wait outside for you?

You f*cking better.

Half-hour, and you

drag me out the door.

Seriously, even if I tell you

I want to stay

you tell them

I have an important work call

with Mickey f*cking Mouse

or whatever the f*ck.

No bother, yeah?

Mickey Mouse, it is so.

Did you tell them you were coming?

Yeah.

You can take me to the hotel.

I want to stretch my legs

and take a piss.

Anything else?

Did you know marijuana's

legal in Los Angeles?

- The f*ck are you reading?

- Dad!

On my life, I was just

gazing down at you, thinking

Look at my studious wee girl there

doing her homework.

I just finished it.

Go on

your mother's waiting in the car.

- I could cycle.

- I don't want you cycling in the woods.

- Get a wee motorbike, maybe?

- Go on, off to school.

I've a solo trip to LA to book.

Oh, my God.

I would love to see you on weed.

Well, you saw me

at your communion

- Shut up.

- You were in a class of forty-four, Joanne.

Left a lot of time for private reflection

at the church door

You're a bad liar.

Me going to stay home

and listen to Bob Marley, man

- before me start work.

- "The accent is problematic, Daddy."

Aye.

Me know this now.

Great location, this.

Come on, Jules.

That'll do, Jules.

I said, that'll do.

- Pig!

- Yeah, definitely a pig.

- "Is that for us?"

- "Maybe."

Well, take a photo.

Not of me, Jules!

What's her issue now?

"She wants to bring her kids

and the nanny along for the sh**t"

"but we never budgeted

for the director's family."

If it's not stipulated in her contract

it's not our problem.

"Maybe her experience

is worth paying for?"

Her twins just turned one, and

and she told me she's still

breastfeeding, which seems clingy.

No, having her kids around's

only going to diminish her focus.

And I mean, twins?

Seriously?

Grow the f*ck up.

Well, anyway, she's threatening

to exit the project if we don't work it out.

Then let her.

I honestly prefer

the other director, anyway.

He's cool, he's got no baggage.

Arty showreel.

Cool, arty showreel.

"I don't know, Wendy.

It's your call."

And I'm making it, Brad.

I got to go, I'm stepping

into a production meeting.

- Oh, well, so am I.

- "Miss you."

- sh*t! f*ck it!

- Colonel! Sanders!

Get over here and leave

that cursing lady alone!

They could have f*cking mauled me!

They should be locked up!

Oh, cool enough. Yeah, you grab

them there, and I'll get you the locks.

- Are you being f*cking funny?

- Well, that time I was, I suppose.

What's your name?

Relax, would you?

No lives were lost.

Hey!

Do you want to sit down?

There's a wee fairy chair round the corner.

I know where

the f*cking fairy chair is.

Okay.

No, I don't need to sit down.

- Do you want a cigarette?

- Do what?

Well, to chill your head, like?

You got anything stronger?

Well, I've half an ounce of skunk

in my shoe

but honestly, it's been there for about

a week. So, I wouldn't get my hopes up.

Look, I'm sorry about my dogs.

Colonel and Sanders?

Oh, well, the f*ck kept k*lling

the neighbor's chickens, you see?

- Oh, God

- I know, I should probably have a leash.

It's okay, I'm alright.

I've got a pet too

so I know how things can be.

I'm sorry, I was so rude.

- I've been living in America.

- Oh, got you.

Understand completely.

I had a cousin who spent

a summer in Boston once

and he came back a right c**t!

No, honestly.

It took him a fortnight to loosen up.

So, arsehole jetlag

takes two weeks?

That's it, exactly.

Better you keep your head down

until the new moon.

Good luck.

- Have a nice day!

- f*ck off!

"Origin, zero zero, and the radius

of the circle is exactly one unit."

We travel around the circumference

of the circle, counterclockwise

and of coordinates are starting

Can I be excused for a second?

Yeah, yeah, of course.

- Hello, Mrs. Proctor.

- Hi.

Did you need me, Mum?

Yeah, darling.

- Just a quick one.

- Okay. What is it?

- I'm really sh*t at trigonometry.

- Sorry, it's

Can we just

I just wanted

to touch base with you.

You know, about the whole

Like, your brother

dropping out of medical college thing

- that's mad, isn't it?

- What?

I just feel

like we never, you know

You and I, we never

get a chance to discuss it.

- Seems like a mistake.

- Mum, this is

No, on

On my part, is what I mean. You know?

Although, actually, you could

have brought it up, if you wanted to.

Aye, I could, eh?

But like, at home

where we are loads of the time?

Right.

Right.

Yeah, so, we're cool?

Very cool.

- Can I

- Aye, yeah.

Hold on, are we the infidels?

That is unclear, as of now.

But whomever did this barbaric act

does not seem interested in

getting to know us any better.

Not sure I want to hang out

with them either, TBH.

No, that makes sense.

No, it doesn't.

None of this makes any sense.

Come on, are we supposed to believe that

a local person would do something like this

two weeks before Vegan

Awareness Month?

It just doesn't add up. Why would

anyone from Boyle paint this here?

Well, they wanted it

to look like blood.

No.

Sure, but why this?

- Why here?

- To keep the infidels away.

Let's not over think this.

- Look, we can

- Yeah.

dispose of the head.

My uncle runs a sanctuary

for injured falcons, so that'll help.

And the kids in town usually do a voluntary

community clean-up around 3 p.m.

so everything will be back

to normal before you know it.

- But we didn't do this.

- No.

And whomever did

be careful of them.

"It's not the sign of a plan

going great, is it"

our second meeting having to take place

in the privacy of a f*cking sheep shed?

Alright, mistakes were made.

- Mea culpa.

- That was a good idea.

Death to the infidels?

I thought it sounded scary.

I'm pretty sure

we are the infidels, Keith.

- Like, the whites?

- Well, it's not called show-friends, is it?

- Showbusiness.

- Did I hear you got the red paint

from Drumban Fire Station?

At which I am an active volunteer

thank you very much. You're welcome.

How's the battery looking

on that machine there, Seamie?

It's low enough

four per cent.

- Do you want me to switch it off?

- We'll be another, what, five or six?

f*ck it, let's roll the dice.

And I presume the pig's head

- Barbara!

- Jesus

- I didn't make him pay for it.

- The pig paid a price, Barbara.

And what's the craic

with the wicker man?

Oh, that wasn't us, actually.

I think that was just there?

We should tell them

what we did, really, all being fair.

- The TV people?

- I'm going to slap you in a minute.

Ten years

you're saying that.

They're probably going

to give it to Boyle, anyway.

We can't compete with the glory

of Lough Key at dusk. So, aye

We have our secret weapon, though.

Apparently, one of the producers

used to live here years ago.

- What? Here in Drumban?

- Down the road awhile.

The family lived in Belcoo

apparently.

Not many of them left now, mind.

Flew the coop herself a long time back

by the sounds of it.

"One of her crew

came into The White Ridge"

"where I'd always be on a Thursday"

"for the pea soup and the toasted

cheese and onion sandwich."

Tasty sandwich.

Word is, a few of the head honchos

are staying at Belmore Manor

"down by the lake."

Not rushing you

but if there's much more to this

- I might stick the tablet on sleep mode.

- Wisht you.

So, apparently, they're hoping to make

an announcement on location tonight.

Maybe we should just go down there

and put in one last good word?

Aye, maybe.

Did you happen

to catch her name, Barbara?

Now, that's a tasty sandwich.

- I think I might have bumped into her

- Jesus!

- running in the park.

- How did you

Are you even

on this committee, Shelly?

- Nothing else happening in town.

- Hold on a minute.

- You were running in the park?

- Was I f*ck!

No, Daddy's got gout again, or some

shite, so I'm in charge of the dogs.

I met her fairly close

to your place, Seamie.

But how do you know it was her?

I don't, I suppose.

Did you catch her name, Shelly?

No.

Bit wild, she was.

Did you learn anything

else about her, Shelly?

Anything that might tip the balance

in our favor?

Well, she seems

really afraid of dogs.

Well, that's good.

We can use that.

To do what?

What goes on in your head at all?

It's like King Kong's

mumbling fecking ghost.

If we all headed down to the hotel

to stake our case for Drumban

it might make a difference?

Them Yanks are well turned on

by initiative and all that shite.

Exactly, Shelly.

Thank you.

But we don't even

know her name.

I could get it.

I did the spit-roast at the wedding

buffet for the receptionist's niece.

- She's easy bought.

- But they don't make these decisions

- on the spur of the moment.

- I'm sure, us going down there

will make no difference

to where they do their show.

Oh, you're sure, are you?

The broken bass drum has spoken, eh?

Chief lamb supplier and Vice President

of Paramount fecking Pictures has spoken.

I'm a hundred per cent sure

it won't happen.

You're like Rory Bremner.

Are you alright there, Seamie?

Aye, just didn't realize

Barry took that job at Paramount.

It does really stink in here.

The sheep's new feed has them gassy.

- Barry, could I use your toilet?

- It's blocked.

Can you piss in a field?

I'd imagine I could.

"You sure you're okay

missing the fireworks in Drumban?"

Aye, never been a fan

of organized fun, anyway.

Same.

Freezing my a*s off in the woods to

mark the day makes much more sense.

- You sure?

- Yeah.

May as well make

the most of you, while you're in town.

It's not liked you'd be here, anyway.

Who knows, maybe I'll move

back and raise chickens?

You couldn't raise a chicken burger.

Which is why I need a doctor.

Oh, I'm a student.

- Yeah, you'll be back.

- Nah.

I'm a wanderer, me.

Doctor? We have discussed it politely

and have decided that

we're all going to the hotel

to talk to the TV lady.

Sorry, sorry.

- Sorry.

- Good evening, Miss Patterson.

So, I'll put forward

the financial argument.

But you lot, fight like wolves to show her

how friendly we are as a community.

- I'll hit her with the youth stick.

- And don't forget the dogs.

Your ulcer playing up again, doc?

Wendy, I think her name's Wendy.

You know her, Seamie?

I think I know her.

Or I knew her, maybe?

What, like

you knew her, knew her?

No, not like

No.

Well, maybe you should go

and talk to the lady alone

bring a bit of the old Proctor magic?

Aye.

She might feel a bit crowded

if we all came at her.

Do you still have a wee

soft spot for her there now, Seamie?

I've a wee soft spot

for her right here.

No, wait, that's not

very sexy, actually, is it?

- No.

- Let's forget that happened.

You should definitely

go alone, Seamie.

Sorry, sorry.

My name is Wendy Patterson.

I remember you, Wendy.

You've aged well.

Well, you've aged.

I tried to stay in touch.

- Aye?

- You changed your number.

A few times.

I tried all of them.

Are you going to tell them

all what happened to Seamie Proctor?

What are you

talking about, Wendy?

The night of the Millenium?

You and me in the woods

near Lough MacNean?

That was a lifetime ago.

Are you going to tell them?

I'm a doctor now

did you know that?

And so, it begins.

Hey, we did the pig's head.

Yeah, did seem out of character

for the lovely people of Boyle.

Well, we're mad f*ck now.

You don't want to bring the circus

to Drumban, It wouldn't be safe.

Let me ask you

something, Seamie.

Why'd you never leave?

I suppose

I didn't feel like I had a choice.

Why did you come back?

Same.

I'm sorry, Wendy.

How's the reverend doing these days?

Woah! My goodness, I'd forgotten

how bright the stars are at home.

Yeah.

Let's come inside.

Well, she doesn't look local.

What does that mean?

Well, she looks like she's seen the inside

of a gym and what-not.

- Here he comes.

- What she say, Seamie?

What the f*ck is that?

- That is showbusiness.

- Feathers!

"Wendy!"

"And I am pleased to announce

tonight that that location will be"

"Drumban."

Yeah!

We made it!

Yes, that's class!

Oh, my God!

- That's what you wanted, isn't it?

- Aye.

- "Thank you, everyone."

- It's going to be great, yeah.

- "Thank you very much."

- It'll change the place forever.

"We are excited to get started

and I am looking forward to coming home."

How do I know her?

"I can't wait to start sharing

our story with the world"

"and catching up with old friends."

Joanne was Googling

marijuana this morning.

- Dad!

- What?

Wendy!

Was that a f*cking spaceship?