01x06 - The Turd Man

[bunniefuu]

"h*, ro, the rattlin' bog"

- "The bog down in the valley-o"

- Right, come on

- You are officially legless

- "The branch on the tree"

- "And the tree in the hole"

- Watch your head

"And the hole in the bog

and the bog down to the valley-o"

- "No!"

- "One more, one more on the way"

"No!"

"With the branch on the tree"

"The tree in the hole

and the hole in the bog"

"And the bog down to the valley-o"

"Well, it's two minutes to midnight"

"You've been supporting

Western Workplace Reviews"

"Boston"

"Thank you

to our guests for sharing"

"Accessible"

I will use this stick

and others like it

To defend my crops

But first, we must whittle

Oh God!

This is not good

- "Whittle away, my villagers"

- Whittling?

Whittle away

for the winter is what's in windy

- Is this is the final cut?

- "Whittle away"

Halt! Who goes there?

I am Celt!

Is this the guy whose wife

is in prison for stabbing someone?

She sporked a banker

Had she just watched this show?

I think the music works

- Thank you, Josh

- Shame about the rest of it

Shut up, Josh!

- Chet might like it

- You're going to get fired

Lame of Thrones

- Good one, sir

- "This show is a mess"

- It's a mess

- Okay, so we'll make a few tweaks

- In subsequent seasons

- Seasons?

"You want to make people

watch more of this sh*t?"

"At one point, I booed"

- Yeah

- "You made me boo our own show, Wendy"

I did this with zero help

Brad undermined me throughout

- What?

- "Linda just went AWOL"

And Josh is practically blind

- "That's crossing a line now"

- What?

Josh is blind

"Don't be ridiculous!

He's not blind"

Yes, sir, I am blind

- "When did you get blind?"

- I've been blind since birth

- That's right

- The glasses are usually the giveaway

"You're a blind television executive?"

Our most talented division heads

got promoted after the merger, sir

- "And your division was?"

- Podcasts

"You're doing a great job"

So, I Am Celt will have

its world premiere in Ireland next week

- I cannot wait

- "Wendy"

"You go and introduce

this show in your homeland"

"Handle the press, we'll decide

what to do with you when you return"

Can anyone else hear a sitar?

"I got to go

It's too damn hot in this office"

Pack your bags, Wendy

Thank you, ladies

Seamie?

Seamie, are you awake there?

I have something for you

Don't drop eggs on me again, Barry

No, it came for you this morning

- Is it about your doctor's license?

- No

No, that's all sorted

I go back to work today

for better or worse

Well, I'll get these eggs on, so

Barry?

It seems I'm a single man again

Look at us, the bachelor boys!

"For the new stout taps"

Holy sh*t cakes!

Jesus! That's hot tea

He's back, like a migraine

You signed it, then?

I'm late for school, Seamie

and you could have texted that

My suspension's been lifted

so I'm back to work

Well, Sonny'll be thrilled

Not too sure about the patients, though

They all loved that Locum

Dr. Perky-t*ts

Well, I'm pleased

to be back myself

Well, you look like sh*t

Does it not agree with you

sleeping in a dead woman's bed?

She's not still

in it with me, Catherine

Well, between

the tales of alien abduction

and the offer to share

a deathbed up at the sheep farm

I'd say you're pretty much

the p*ssy magnet around town

Don't think I've ever

heard you say p*ssy before

If I'm honest

it seems a bit weird

So now my p*ssy is weird?

- I'm not saying your p*ssy is

- Stop saying p*ssy!

Please! Either of you

saying p*ssy is weird!

Joanne, thought you were inside

Nope, I'm right here

Haven't missed a word right up

until Mom's weird p*ssy!

- I do not have a weird p*ssy!

- Of course you don't

You have

- Just a typical p*ssy

- f*ck my life!

Hey, I'll catch you later, Jo-Jo

- I'm back at the surgery now, so

- Okay

What's keeping you?

- A typical p*ssy?

- I meant to say tropical

"Get in the car, Matt"

This is my first premiere

Cool!

I'm going to introduce

the first episode

Bow my head

and go and drink myself into oblivion

Got you!

Is the show not

everything you'd hoped for?

The caterers want

to take their name off the credits

The caterers

Could I pivot into real estate?

Yeah, the locum asked me

to put that up

She was a hard lady

to say no to

We'll leave it up

At least it covers that weird stain

that looks a bit like Bono

Yeah, that was my thinking too

Hey, it's good to be back, son

The Proctor doctors

together again?

Yeah, that's not what we are

Look, I know

life has been unusual lately

but the whole thing

it's really given me a lot of time to think

Which thing? The abduction

the suspension, or the separation?

I want to take you to my wing

like my own dad did with me

- I can't just play doctor, Dad

- Of course you can

Most things these days are sepsis

Look, there's no way around it

Finish your studies

and we'll be flying

Doctor and son

Proctor and Proctor

I'm not going

back to medical school

Of course you are! People drop out

of college and re-enroll all the time

I didn't drop out, okay?

They kicked me out

For cheating on a paper

I thought ChatGP

stood for General Practitioner Tips

- Did you really think that?

- No, Dad

I couldn't keep up

You got caught cheating?

At least I took after one of you

Sonny!

"The town is buzzing"

The committee's acting like

we're hosting the feckin' Olympics

- How have you been?

- Yeah, grand

It's been quiet enough without you

- How's your dad?

- Up and down

It's my mom's 10 year anniversary

soon and I think he's feeling it

Shall he promise me something

just in case I don't come back?

- Why wouldn't you come back?

- Don't rely on people

No? Not even my people?

I have it, I have it

There it is

Rely on yourself

And even then

keep your expectations low

"Wendy! I have Shirley

from Showbiz Weekly here"

Oh God!

- Miss Patterson?

- That's me

- Super cute!

- You're going to need supplies

In the pantheon of the Tudors

Vikings, Game of Thrones

another epic show shot in Ireland

where does I Am Celt sit?

It has really good music

Okay

And should audiences expect another Irish

entrant to the golden age of television?

The Bronze Age, maybe

I wonder if we should take advantage

of the local color we have with us here

That is a wonderful idea

I'm going to grab some fresh air

Have you found that I Am Celt

coming to film in your village

has led to an easing

of the Catholic-Protestant divide?

I was brought up Catholic

but I seen my mommy

use the holy water

to boil an egg once

I'm a Protestant, but sure

I've half forgotten what I'm protesting about

Now, that Science-tology

that seems very interesting to me

That is super fun, actually

Dad!

What the f*ck are you at?

Dad, what were

you doing on the roof?

I was waiting

For them

Were you?

I can't believe

I'm actually going to say this

Dad, were you abducted by aliens?

Jesus! f*ck you were and all!

Well then why didn't you say anything?

- Who'd believe me?

- I would

I'm your daughter

When were you

Taken?

It was a few months

after your mother passed

I just haven't been the same since

- I thought you were just grieving

- Grieving?

What, for ten years?

About your mother?

Well, go on, then

What was it like up there?

Come on, tell me, Dad

It was absolutely glorious

Yeah

It's hard being back here after

So all this time

you've been up in your room

trying to figure out how

to go back with your alien friends

What about me?

You can come too, if you like

Who'd stock the soda tonic fridge?

You're an incredible girl, Shelly

I probably haven't

told you that enough

This will be the first time

I've got your text

What's the emergency?

I've just been missing

a little something

I'm always losing stuff

did you find it?

Look, I'm horny

You stupid

Sexy man

Come on, Matt

- We haven't done it in here in ages

- Yeah, for good reason

We don't need to be having

stressful sexy time anymore

- Stressful?

- Sneaking around terrified we'd get caught

Yeah, but isn't that part of the fun?

What's more fun

is making slow sweet love

in an actual bed

with your very untypical p*ssy

Why are you dressed in character?

- I thought that's what you did

- You're so funny!

"Perfect!"

I was wondering if you've had

any feedback about my hair?

- Your hair?

- Well, Brigit's hair

They like it on your head

I've asked around and it feels

like you're the lady in the know

Does production

have an official oil supplier?

- No, not an official one

- Yeah

Any word on a second series, boss?

Not yet, but we're going to learn

a lot more after the audience see it, yeah

They're nearly ready to go, Wendy

- Why won't they let us go

- You still good to introduce?

Yeah, just give me a second

I can't breathe

I take it the bingo's been cancelled

I hope you're not planning showbiz

premieres here every week now

- I absolutely am not

- "Five minutes to showtime"

"Ladies and gentlemen!"

I heard you're getting a divorce

Sorry about that!

Don't be

Thank you

It's not your fault anyway

I blame the aliens

I do that all the time

Relationships are tricky

It's hard to trust someone else

when you don't trust yourself

Seamie, tell him what happened

My visiting daughter seems to think

you were both abducted by aliens

Now what do you

think of that, young Proctor?

I don't know

what she's talking about

I think I've tried

to build a whole life around

trying to be a better man

than I was that night

It's getting late

I'd better be off

It's a pretty low bar

See you around, Wendy

Happy New Year!

You never

got married yourself, no?

I guess I never found

the right dress

- You staying around for long?

- No

No?

Well, you might be back next year

Isn't that what happens with the TV?

Yeah, sometimes, but with this show

I would be very surprised

More surprised than seeing

an alpaca on a space ship

- What did you say, Pubba?

- I've been tracking them

They like it here

Is that Betty Battle's purse?

It's nothing dodgy, trust me now

I nicked it out of her coffin, you see

- Sounds a bit dodgy

- If you come back to my place

I will show you

something pretty cool

That definitely sounds dodgy

They're feckin' back, lads

We're ready for you, Wendy

Lights are down

audience are half cut

I'm putting you in charge

Wait, you really

believe in me that much?

Sure!

I won't let you down

Sounds good

I'll be at the pub

Come, come

- How's everything at home?

- Great

Sister and baby are doing well

Wife gets out

of prison next week, so

That's exciting

Very

So, when you see her in person

you can tell her I'm pregnant?

I'm only joking!

You big dumb lug

- Hello?

- Hello?

Hello

When we looked for

a place to make this show

we knew we needed

somewhere really special

Somewhere

with character, heart, parking

Broadband

not too many electricity poles

That was a big one

Boring!

Point being

we found all that

and more in Drumban

We may have made

the show, but you

You made it special

It might be called I Am Celt

But truly, we all am

We

We am all Celt

No!

- We

- Is all Celt

It's starting, it's starting

Alright, enjoy the show!

Please

- Yeah, it's not dodgy at all

- Thank you

This is what I've been working on

- What's with all the marks?

- Dead birds

Electrical interference, sightings

Where were you taken?

In the woods, around here

What were you doing there?

- Teenage stuff

- Yeah

Any details could be important

Well, I was approaching second base

Attempting, not approaching

But I think that's moot

Unless we think there's some

sort of space perverts or something

I don't know what they are

Wait a minute

Do you see what's

in the middle of all this?

Do you have a pen?

There

There

There, my home

They're circling my home

Why would they do that?

Something tells me

they're coming back

and that something

is glowing like a b*stard

I have to warn my wife

- Ex-wife

- Right, that's right

I'll grab my tin whistle

The skies are mocking me

It's cloudy

Even the clouds mock An Dagda

Mock me not! Fluff beasts!

At least they're not booing

I am

Celt!

Is it supposed to be funny?

- I think it's genre fluid

- Where's Miss Patterson?

She may have

mentioned needing a drink

- Are you okay?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, cool, cool

I just think I've overdone it

on the protein shakes

Right, okay

Shelly?

I was hoping to talk

to you about something cool

Tell me you fixed

the soda tonic fridge in the shed

I got something

a bit better than tonic water

And it's been

bottled up a lot longer

- Lilt?

- Lilt?

Who drinks lilt? No, I mean

feelings is the thing I have

- What are you talking about?

- Look..

I know this is coming out

of nowhere, Shell, but

You're the real reason

that I haven't left Drumban

Because I have

Feelings for you

Well, yeah

- You knew?

- How could I not know?

Jesus! Sonny

you're not exactly subtle

Once you wrote Love me

in your leftover chips

What? Did I?

Did that work?

Has anyone seen Miss Patterson?

I need to ask her about the show

She left with my dad

And her dad

She left with all her dads

Hey, why didn't you

tell me my dad left?

Because I was building up

to telling you that I loved you

Well, that could have

f*cking waited

Any idea where they went?

And also, what crisps do you have?

- They're going to my house

- Do you have crisps there?

Look, Sonny, the way I see it

you have two options

Either you move on and find someone

your own age who's actually interested

or you hang around

wait until I give in

and we eventually get married

because we've no other options

So you're saying

to just wait for a decade or so?

Sure

Because I can totally do that

Sure, hanging around

is basically my thing

Look, you're in charge

of the pub, right?

Well, now that's commitment

Any peanuts, or?

No? f*ck it!

I'll wait!

How does a bar work, then?

Here, Catherine!

You have to get inside

What's this?

The three feckin' amigos' reunion?

Seriously, it's not safe out here

Don't you f*cking bear push me

Mrs. Proctor, I have been studying

these beings for a long time

They are coming back

I see you've recruited a local ghost

to your psychic circle

Jesus! Seamie

not more of this alien crap

I am begging you

please come inside

What's she doing here?

They took me too, Catherine

And me

The night that

you had your accident

The aliens, is it?

They're back?

f*ck, they're here

What the hell is that?

"About f*cking time"

What? You weren't taking the piss?

- f*ck!

- Jesus Christ!

- My God! My legs

- Let her go, you b*stards!

- Seamie?

- Pubba, put your f*cking whistle away!

- Seamie!

- Let her go!

Mother of Zeus!

I am Celt!

Jesus! Who the f*ck are you?

- Not her! Me!

- God! f*cking save us

She doesn't want to go!

Do me!

- Dad!

- Take me!

- What are you at?

- Take me!

Come on! The f*ck!

- Wait!

- It's okay

Let's get inside, come on

- "Have you got the key?"

- Come back!

"Come on, Dad!"

That was a space ship

- Jesus Christ!

- Are you okay?

- "It was a f*cking spaceship"

- My legs

I held back a f*cking space ship

- I'm going back out

- No, you are staying on planet Earth

- Whether you like it or not

- "So this is real?"

- This is a thing?

- Yeah, this is a whole ordeal

And they were here

the night of the accident?

That's why I crashed the car

Why didn't you tell her that?

Because then I'd have

to tell her everything

So you'd rather I hate you

than risk telling me the truth?

You hated me?

Going great here

Lots and lots of laughs

What?

I feel bad now

for all the shitty things I did

Consider yourself forgiven

I gave Matt a hand job

in your waiting room once

When he had a verruca, well, I mean

I tried to but he couldn't get hard

- Why are you telling me this?

- I don't know, It just feels good to confess

Not to f*cking me!

Why do they keep coming here?

- What do they want?

- I don't know

But maybe it's to do with the magnet

mine or the Alabaster Hills

They're like a big f*cking arrow

saying land here

We were chosen

Whoopdy-f*ck'-doo!

What the f*ck?

- "What the f*ck is that?"

- "An alien"

Is it just me?

Or does that alien look exactly like

An Dobhar Chu

Avenge my flock, An Dagda!

I Am Celt!

That wasn't in the script

Improv

- "Jesus!"

- I'm not crazy, right?

It's the spit of an Dobhar Chu

What the f*ck do aliens

have to do with Celts?

Oh, Jesus!

What the hell are you doing?

Dad!

"It's okay

Come on, come on"

Greetings

I am Pubba McGoldrick

of the Earth

- "We come in peace"

- Get out of here, you mongrel!

Oh sh*t!

f*cking space blood!

What did you do?

I think it was playing fetch!

- Is it dead?

- Well, he's not very well

You're welcome

Mad mucker number two!

That's me! There I am!

Did you see my

boggy back field?

Beautiful, wasn't it?

I was hoping the petrol station

might get featured, but

Sure I suppose

there's timeline issues

What's the verdict, folks?

- You like it?

- We loved it

- Bona fide triumph

- Comedy gold

- "I think it's dying"

- Should we

Try and save it?

You're the doctor, do something!

Hey, If someone wants to give the thing

mouth to mouth, I won't stop them

I'm not giving it mouth to mouth

Look at its bollocks there!

- It's not even a human

- Yeah, but all the same

I wouldn't be giving mouth to mouth

to a male dog even

But I'd catch you giving

mouth to mouth to a female dog

Yeah, I did, and it worked

And I'd do it again, gladly

Oh, crap!

I have to take this

Yeah, work away

All quiet here

- "Chet, hi!"

- "Busy?"

- "No! No, of course"

- Are you f*cking kidding me?

- Go!

- Jesus!

"No"

- Christ! I'm going to puke

- You're not helping, Shelly

We were trying to walk that line

mystorical drama-dy

Must have been on your end

Can I get a Long Island ice tea?

Sure thing

Let me just get the kettle on

- Excuse me, hello?

- "Romance"

bloodshed, pratfalls

what's not to love?

- It's a hell of a combo, alright

- Next season

I can get you proper blood, though

as much as you like

- That's generous

- Well, it won't be free

But you won't find it cheaper

I liked the bit where the Dagda

was making eyes at his mommy

That didn't make sense

Why was he getting

off with his own mother?

He's the God of agriculture, Keith

As any farmer will tell you

it can be a very lonely life, so it can

Sorry

- Sorry

- Need a little pick me up?

- Okay

- It won't k*ll you, like

Look, by the power vested in me

I now I pronounced this f*cking thing dead

Oh my God! Has anyone got a mint?

I'm sorry, I'm literally

chewing on my last one

So what are we

going to do with this thing?

This is first contact

the most momentous event in history

We need to tell the world

We're not calling anyone

until we've discussed our options

- Who made you boss?

- She's my boss

I think Pubba's right

I think we should have a vote

- Thank you

- Can I abstain?

Out of respect for this weird

innocent dog thing

I vote we throw

the f*ck in the lake

If we tell anyone, the government is going

to put a big fence around this whole town

And do weird secret tests on us

while soldiers with g*ns and gas masks

keep us from going anywhere

Trust me, I live in America

- She does

- Plus, if we want any hope

Of a second season of I Am Celt

it is probably in all of our interests

- To stop Drumban from turning into Area 51

- Can I own abstain?

- No

- Can we vote on that?

- No!

- f*ck!

All those in favor of showing

this thing to the world, hands up

All those in favor of dumping

this creature in the lake

I mean you can f*cking do it

You know, I went

to Oldgrange looking for you

The last time I was here?

- Why?

- I don't know

I suppose it crossed my mind that

we might make each other happy

Thanks

- Well, this is as good a place as any

- Yeah

- What are they gabbing about?

- The show getting renewed, probably

Come on, baby, glow for me

Are you ready?

On three, one, two, three

Oh sh*t!

Seamus? You gobshite!

Just

- Just sit down, shut the f*ck up

- Fine

I lob you two and be back home

to ride me Ma before tea

What would you say that is?

That's no bird

Plot feckin' twist!

- Oh hey, Pubba

- Good man

Right, Let the inaugural meeting

of the committee

"to bring aliens

to Drumban commence"