02x03 - Training Wheels' Day

[bunniefuu]

[Classical music playing]

[Laughter]

MAYOR DILQUEZ: Thank you
for being my plus-one.

My regular shaman is full-time
with Aaron Rodgers now.

Do you have something
for public speaking?

SHAMAN: Be careful.
Even a microdose of this could...

[Bottle breaks]

MAN: There he is...
our soon-to-be re-elected mayor.

MAYOR DILQUEZ: Mr. and Mrs.
Volcanowitz, my top donors.

- You look wealthier than ever.
- MR. VOLCANOWITZ: Everyone is so excited to help

you defeat that talking goose
running against you, especially Mother.

MRS. VOLCANOWITZ: Is it true
you're dropping a new diss track

about the Goose tonight?

MAYOR DILQUEZ: Someone's been
reading "WorldstarPolitics."

[both laugh]

MAYOR DILQUEZ: See? I'm fine.

[Series of different chords
and noises plays rapidly]

[Microphone feedback, person coughs]

MAYOR DILQUEZ:
♪ Yo, Goose, is it true you go young? ♪

♪ I heard that cryin' goslings
are the only way you'll... ♪ [Vomits]

[Guests scream]

MAYOR DILQUEZ:
Not a fan of hip-hop?

[Theme music playing]

♪

[Crack]

MARTINEZ: And that is why
the clown car limit is now 30 people.

Goodbye Bongo, Honko, Bazinko,
Winky, and Leonard.

May their hilarious souls
rest in peace. [Honk honk]

And, lastly, we have
a new detective

joining the department today.
Any questions? No. Good.

Dismissed.
[Flute, Summers, Wynona gasp]

FLUTE: You can't drop
a b*mb like that and leave.

This isn't the bank across
the street's family bathroom.

- Who is it?
- MARTINEZ: Don't know.

- Haven't met him.
- WYNONA: I hope he's hot.

SUMMERS: Yeah, I hope he's super-hot.
[Chuckles weakly]

MARTINEZ: Well, as a favor,
the mayor asked

if I would hire the son of his
top donor, the Volcanowitzes.

FLUTE: The new guy is a Volcanowitz?

SUMMERS: A Volcano-whatz?

WYNONA: The Volcanowitzes are, like,

the richest people in Grimsburg.
They own the volcano.

ANNOUNCER:
Do you have large furniture

you no longer want?
Volcano!

Don't know what to do
with all those old rollerblades?

Volcano!

Have a hard drive you claim
someone else filled

with a bunch of "weird stuff"?
Volcano!

♪

KANG: All right.
That hot volcano is

why we have so many cold cases.

Criminals keep dumping
evidence in there, and they

refuse to do anything to stop it,
not to mention the extremely

high number of suicides,
but that's God's problem.

FLUTE: Our problem is
some nepo-baby thinks he

can jump the line because
his parents are rich.

WYNONA: As the youngest
person in the office,

I hate nepo-babies because they're
taking my generation's jobs.

But as the poorest person
in the office, I would love

to marry into wealth,
so I gotta go change.

MARTINEZ:
He's not just some noob.

I hear he has his own P.I.
business with a 100% solve rate.

Plus, the mayor has been
very good to us, so I feel

that we should give his guy a shot.

- KANG: And...?
- MARTINEZ: And he promised that

he'd make me commissioner.

♪

FLUTE: You hired
someone older than Kang?

MAN: Oh, no.
I work for the Volcanowitzes.

- I'm here to drop him off.
- OTIS: Otis Volcanowitz...

kid detective
reporting for duty.

What time is snack at,
and when do I get my g*n?

[Slurping]

♪

[Sneezes]

[Sneezes, gasps]

WOMAN: You're sick.

HARMONY: I'm not the one
who steals my panties, Steve...

Ugh. Sorry, Marrissaa.

My ears are clogged and
you sounded like my stalker.

[Sneezes]

MARRISSAA: Aw,
you should go home and rest.

HARMONY: I can't go home.

I'm covering the opening of
the new Lazer Drag arena,

and it's the first non-m*rder
story I've gotten in months.

MARRISSAA: Ay, but if you stick
around, you might be the m*rder story.

You don't want to k*ll
Immunocompromised Gabe the weatherman.

GABE: ...and a high of 67
means a beautiful day

for those of you who
aren't allergic to sunshine.

Why do you hate me, God?

HARMONY: Maybe you're right.

Just promise me you
won't let anyone take my story.

MARRISSAA:
Over my dead perfect body.

HARMONY: Thanks.
You're a good friend.

Oh, don't eat the dip.

OTIS: And once I realized
our gardener was

actually a top architect in
his home country, I deduced he

must have used the blueprints
from our house to sneak in.

And that's how I solved
the case of the stolen lizard.

Now for the case of the
missing muffin, I'll tell you

our maid did it first
and then explain how I knew,

"Poker Face" style.

FLUTE: Can't believe
this nepo-baby thinks he

can just buy his badge.

I mean, we all had to buy
our badges due to budget cuts,

but that was after we attended
the police academy,

passed a field test,
and trained our bodies

to digest pastrami as a vegetable.

WYNONA: Welcome to the
department, Officer Volcanowitz.

KANG: Wrong one.
Volcanowitz is the kid.

WYNONA: So I put on this dead
debutante's dress for nothing?

You should be happy. You're not the
youngest person working here anymore.

WYNONA: Yeah,
but if I'm not the youngest...

- then what am I?
- OTIS: You're trouble with a capital T,

which I can write in cursive
if you give me lined paper.

Let me get your digits
in my super expensive SAT phone

my folks gave me
for my half-birthday.

WYNONA: They bought you
a satellite phone?

OTIS: They actually
bought me the company.

[Wynona scoffs]
OTIS: What's her story?

SUMMERS: She's taken!
Taken dance lessons.

OTIS: I can tell.
Look at the legs on that one.

I could put my feet
on her feet and walk around

like Frankenstein for days.

- KANG: Who touched the thermostat?
- OTIS: It's freezing in here.

Maybe don't wear
a sleeping bag inside.

MARTINEZ: Come on.
Let's go get you that g*n.

OTIS: I really need
one with a grenade launcher.

Thank you so much.

ALL: That kid has to go.

SUMMERS: ...to die.

"Go." I said, "Go."

♪

[Thermometer beeps]

HARMONY: Ugh! You know,
you're the one who got me sick.

Why did you have to lick every
elevator button in the ICU?

STAN: It wasn't my idea.
I was dared.

HARMONY: By who? Mr. Flesh?
Ohh. I have had enough.

You need real friends,

so I signed you up
for the beach dirty-up today

without your imaginary friend.

- MR. FLESH: You blondster!
- STAN: [Sighs] OK.

Great. That's settled.

MR. FLESH: It's fine.
I hate the beach anyway.

Everyone's so jelly
of my thigh gap.

♪

FLUTE: We demand you fire Otis.

He keeps saying "Pew!" when
he pretends to sh**t his g*n.

Everyone knows the right
noise is...Pow!

Pkkk, pkkk, pkkk, pkkk.
[Imitates richochet noise]

MARTINEZ: No chance.
That little nepo-baby is

my ticket to the big time.

Too Captain Crunch-y
for the Commish?

- I need a mirror.
- KANG: Ugh.

Picked the wrong day
to wear my under-puffer. Huh.

WYNONA: These snowflakes
are jeopardizing

everything we stand for...
I own a g*n now?

FLUTE: Maybe she doesn't
have to fire him.

We just have to get him to quit.

Let's see how he handles
the case of the missing bedtime

because we're gonna show him
the Grimsburg night shift.

[Harmony blowing nose]

[Applause on TV]

MAN ON TV: Welcome back to
four seated women and a man.

Ladies, let's talk
about our weekends.

HARMONY: I like how
the four women are approachable,

- yet no-nonsense.
- MR. FLESH: Me, too. And I like

how the man is nonthreatening
and has no power.

- HARMONY: Aah!
- MR. FLESH: Aah!

[Soft thud on window]
HARMONY: Not now, Stalker Steve!

STALKER STEVE:
Oh, I can come back.

♪

FLUTE: Ready
for your training day, rook?

OTIS: If you're trying
to scare me, don't bother.

I've seen it all.

My safe search
is set to "moderate."

FLUTE: Well, you're about to
grow up real fast

on these here streets.

- What type of diapers you wearing?
- OTIS: [Scoffs] Yeah, right!

FLUTE:
Oh, you think I'm messing?

Because I am messing.

I'm Debra Messing,
and I'm about to grace my pants

with a big ol' mess
from all the horrific things

I see out here, front and back.

[Otis laughs]

[Brakes screech]
FLUTE: You think that's funny?

Waddling home with a soggy bowl of
cereal in your undies, that's a laugh?

Smelling like a poop peed
all over you, that's humorous?

Having so many logs in your
pants, the U.S. Forest Service

just assigned you a Ranger?
That's a tap-back ha ha?

Yeah, well, get all your laughs
out now, son,

because tonight, you won't have
a single thing to laugh at.

OTIS: I can handle that.
I've seen "Bookie."

HARMONY:
Aah! What the hell are you?

MR. FLESH: Have you not seen
your son's countless drawings

of me mostly riding
well-endowed horses?

- I'm Mr. Flesh.
- HARMONY: Uhh! No.

You're not real, not real.
[Light switch clicks]

MR. FLESH: Who still
plays apples to apples?

[Screams and gasps]

MR. FLESH: You never saw
the drawings of Seabaguette?

HARMONY: I'm fine.
This is just a hallucination

from drinking
Flute's special cough syrup.

MARRISSAA ON TV:
I'm Marrissaa Marrimmbaa,

and join me later as I report
live from Grimsburg's

very own Lazer Drag arena.

MR. FLESH:
Hey! Isn't that your job?

[Harmony growls]

MR. FLESH:
Oh! You got Marrimmbaa-ed!

[Marimba music]
[Chuckles]

♪

KANG: Wife just left him.
Refuses to negotiate.

Not gonna end well.

Seems like the perfect job
for Otis.

OTIS: You think a guy
with a g*n is scary?

Try memorizing the 12 times table.
Hi. I'm Otis.

MAN WITH g*n: Get back
or I will blow his brains out!

- OTIS: Why?
- MAN WITH g*n: Why?!

- Because my wife left me.
- OTIS: Why?

MAN WITH g*n: 'Cause
she's tired of me or something.

OTIS: Why?

MAN WITH g*n: I guess I always
am out with my boys.

OTIS: Why?

MAN WITH g*n: Because I don't
know how to relate to women.

- OTIS: Why?
- MAN WITH g*n: You're right.

I'm the problem.
I want to change. Uh!

OTIS: That was easy.
What's next?

WYNONA: Wow.
That was kind of impressive.

FLUTE: What?
That's not detectiving.

That's called being an annoying kid.

You can't solve a case
just by being a kid.

But you can solve a kid
just by being the case.

SUMMERS: I love it when
he says the same thing

but reverses the words.
I wish I could do that.

But I could do wish
that I could can...

Nope. That's why he's the king.

[Owl hoots]

HARMONY:
How could Marrissaa take

my one human interest story?

MR. FLESH:
Especially with that accent.

[Rolls Rs] Her Rs...
are faker than her Ds.

Hey. That's my best
friend you're talking about.

MR. FLESH:
My bad. I'll back off.

HARMONY: No, I just needed
to say that

to feel better about
trashing her. Carry on.

MR. FLESH: I don't want to tell
you what to do.

That's not my business.

But if I were you,
I'd get some revenge.

HARMONY: What...

are we waiting for?!

Hell yeah, Fleshy.
Let's do this.

MR. FLESH: [Gasps]
That was so easy.

Bless you, Mark Harmony.

You are everything I
wish Stan was but with

the haircut of a woman
who sells candles on Etsy.

♪

SUMMERS: What are we doing here?

FLUTE: I thought Otis
might show us around.

♪

[Bell rings]

♪

OTIS: I've actually
never been here before.

My parents say it's too dangerous.

FLUTE: More dangerous
than your home?

Think of all those
crimes you solved.

Say, tell me about the case
of the missing lizard again.

OTIS: Well, I knew Ernest
the gardener had stolen it

- when... Ernest?
- Heh heh... Mister Otis?

OTIS: Sandy the maid?
Jed the driver?

Masseusy the masseuse?
What is this?

FLUTE: This is something even
your parents couldn't afford

to give you... the hard truth.

All those cases you solved,

they were all fake,
paid for by your daddy

so his little boy could feel
like a big detective.

Then he shipped them off to
cushier jobs here to keep 'em quiet.

But, of course,
you never suspected a thing.

And why would you?
You're not a real detective.

You're just a bank account
with a badge.

OTIS: I thought maybe I'd found
my niche, and I could spend

the rest of my life
cashing in on it,

like Lin Manuel Miranda
and fast rhythmic talking,

[Voice breaks]
but I guess it was all a lie.

FLUTE: Wow.
I guess we really just

- did crush a kid's dream good!
- WYNONA: Yes!

- SUMMERS: All right!
- KANG: We beat a rich kid.

That's pretty much all
you can hope for in this life.

WYNONA: Looks like I'm
the youngest again.

Damn.
Why did I throw out my vape?

FLUTE: That'll teach him to
have any passions whatsoever.

Idiot. Where is he?

I want to call him
an idiot to his face.

Look at him up there.
[As Otis] "Boo-hoo!

"I just found out
I'm a useless nepo-baby.

Maybe I should k*ll myself."

[All gasp]

[Imitating Otis]
"This wasn't Flute's fault."

[Regular voice]
You guys heard him.

FLUTE: Otis! Hold on. I'm...

coming.

God, it's me... Marvin.

I know we only talk
when I want to stop vomiting

off the side of my bed,
but I need you.

I may have played a small role

in a rich kid committing suicide.
A little help?

Is that pigeon a sign?
Do you want me to go in the lava?

Do you want me dead, God?
Well, now you're dead to me.

I'm going all in on science.

Neil deGrasse Tyson!
The bird is fine.

Farewell, my fond friends

who were always there for me
no matter what.

WYNONA: We blame it on Flute.
This was his whole nepo agenda.

KANG: Yeah, yeah, that's good.
We all say that.

[Flute shouts]

WYNONA:
OK. We pin it on Martinez.

KANG: Yeah, yeah, that's good.
We all say that.

FLUTE: Whew. Aah!

♪

[Hair dryers whirring]

♪

FLUTE:
You knew this was down here?

OTIS: No, but I had a hunch.
It didn't smell sulfur-y

like the other volcano
we own in Hawaii or Japan,

so I jumped in to investigate.

FLUTE: That's a solid piece
of detective work.

Privileged but solid.
But why have a fake volcano?

OTIS: Because they're
secretly reselling the junk

people throw in here for profit.

And those workers are actually
people who tried to commit suicide,

but now they're being
held c*ptive as sl*ve labor.

FLUTE: OK, OK.
Now you're just showing off,

and nobody likes that in a
detective... I've been told.

Look. There's that guy
who dropped you off.

OTIS: Mr. Unger!
[Flute gasps]

OTIS: I never trusted him.

We have to get out of here
and tell my parents.

They can fix anything.

FLUTE: There are armed guards at
every door. We'll never get out.

You didn't give up when the chocolate
factory k*ller had you trapped.

FLUTE: Yeah, well, now I have to
run the entire factory, so...

- Wait. How did you know that?
- OTIS: You're my hero.

I have your posters
all over my room

and your action figures, too.

FLUTE:
I don't have any action figures.

OTIS: I just took
my John Wick and melted it...

for a long while.

FLUTE: Well, to get out of here,
we would need

a John Wick arsenal...
of firepower. That's it!

[Whispering]

- OTIS: You're not saying anything.
- Do you really think detectives

are saying something
when they do this?

[Dance music]

LASER TAG PLAYER:
Cover me, honey. I'm going in.

[Buzzer sounds twice]

[Buzzer sounds]
Really?

ANNOUNCER: Ooh, player 3,
you been hit, girl.

PLAYER 3: Well, I got to
sashay away. Agh!

[Air horn blows]

MARRISSAA: Set your phasers
to tuck because we'll have

so much more from
Lazer Drag after the break.

♪

[Harmony growling softly]

[Marrissaa laughs]

MR. FLESH: OK, here's the plan...
Let's start a rumor

that she's QAnon.

Ooh! Even better!
We out her for attending

one of Louis C.K.'s first shows back!

I'm sorry.
Uh, does that say "anthrax"?

HARMONY: Yeah. I did a story
on the dark web opening up

a brick and mortar,
and it was in the gift bag.

- You're not trying to k*ll her, are you?
- HARMONY: No. Of course not!

I just want to paralyze her
enough, so that the only thing

she can do is write a very
short nurse-assisted memoir.

MR. FLESH: Um, this is
starting to feel less like

some good-natured revenge

and more like
a straight up Lifetime movie.

HARMONY: Jeez. Where did
the fun Mr. Flesh go,

the guy who makes my son
do all those terrible things?

MR. FLESH: I'm chaos,
not darkness, baby.

I may give him a Costco
sample of anarchy,

but Stan's decisions are his own.

HARMONY: What are you saying,
this is my idea?

MR. FLESH:
Look in the disco ball, honey.

[Harmony gasps]

MR. FLESH: At least in here,
it looks like a creative choice.

HARMONY: So you're saying
maybe I should be OK

reporting on psychos
because I kind of am one.

Wow. You're good.

MR. FLESH: Yep! This is exactly
how I intended this to go.

[Buzzer sounds, player groans]

MARRISSAA: We're only
three broken ankles in...

CAMERAMAN: Oh, my gosh!
She's hurt.

Is anyone here a reporter?

MR. FLESH: Tie up your bathrobe
and get out there.

HARMONY: While it may just
look like a fun night out,

Lazer Drag is also an important
lesson in sisterhood

that teaches us... it's way
more fun to sh**t each other

in the face than it is
to stab each other in the back.

I'm Harmony Flute.
And now the weather.

Take it away,
Immunocompromised Gabe.

Oh, no. Really?

♪

[Both whistle]

MAN: Detective Flute!

Are you here to set us free
so that we can

- finally k*ll ourselves?
- FLUTE: Wow. That's... dark.

When criminals throw evidence
in the volcano,

where do they put it?

♪

[Alarm sounds, Flute whistles]

♪

FLUTE: Looks like all our cold
cases just got a lot warmer.

♪

[r*fles are armed]

♪

MAN: If I turned you in,
they promised

- they'd let me off myself.
- FLUTE: Gotta hand it to 'em.

They really know how
to incentivize their employees.

♪

HARMONY:
Who knew getting revenge

with my son's imaginary skeleton
friend could be so much fun?

MR. FLESH: And who knew
middle-aged mothers are

even more psychotic
than their preteen kids?

[Both laugh, then sigh]

HARMONY: The cough syrup
must be wearing off.

You're getting fuzzier than a
non-molestation-involved camp memory.

Will I ever see you again?

MR. FLESH: I'm always a tiny
plastic cup of dark syrup away.

♪

[Door opens]

STAN: Sorry, Mom.
I tried to make new friends

like you wanted me to,
but they were kind of mean.

HARMONY: That's OK.
You still have Mr. Flesh.

STAN: Wait. You mean it?

HARMONY: I'd rather you have
a fake friend that's real

than a real friend
that's fake. Go on.

He's over...
[Wind gusts]

there?

MR. FLESH: Did you hear that,
Stand Your Ground?

Our love isn't forbidden anymore.

Now let's go to the drugstore
and put faint lines

on the home pregnancy tests
to celebrate. [Gasps]

♪

OTIS: Ow! Mr. Unger,
when my parents find out

what you're up to, it's over.

Screen time, gone.

MR. UNGER:
Oh, by all means, tell them.

♪

OTIS: Mr. and Mrs. Mom and Dad?
You knew about this?

MR. VOLCANOWITZ:
Where do you think all of our

money comes from?
It's the perfect business model:

free merchandise, free labor,
and free shipping...

on orders of $150 or more,
and it'll all be yours one day.

OTIS: But you said I could be a detective.

MRS. VOLCANOWITZ:
Please! You're rich.

You can't be a poor,
gross police person.

FLUTE:
That's where you're wrong.

This kid is a born detective,
and I should know.

I was born one, too.

My father was on the force
and my grandfather

and his fath... Oh, my God.
Am I a nepo-baby?

OTIS: Sorry, Flute, but I can't risk it.

- Take him back down there.
- FLUTE: Otis? No!

OTIS: You know too much,
and nothing is more important

- than very wealthy family.
- MR. VOLCANOWITZ: It's true.

We can't have you out there
knowing about

the human trafficking,
indentured servitude,

conspiracy to impersonate
a volcano...

KANG: Freeze.
You're under arrest.

FLUTE: How did you know
we were in here?

MRS. VOLCANOWITZ:
[On recording] ...human trafficking,

indentured servitude,

conspiracy to impersonate a volcano.

MRS. VOLCANOWITZ:
Otis, you're making a huge mistake.

You can kiss easy street
good-bye,

and I mean the actual street
we left you in our will.

You'll never get
another dollar from us!

FLUTE: Don't worry, kid.
You'll be fine.

You can make some decent coin
at Grimsburg PD.

I mean, don't get divorced
or have a kid

or develop a crippling addiction
to daily fantasy sports.

Who are the Sparks playing tonight?

OTIS: Are you saying that
I can have my badge back?

FLUTE: You sure can, kid.

KANG: Yeah, it's really not
your job to decide that.

FLUTE: You sure can.

FLUTE: Talk about a crazy day.

I experienced all three of
my emotions, including horny.

KANG: And I reset
the thermostat back to 62.

- Ahh.
- WYNONA: And I've accepted

that I'm the second youngest.

It's like being
the middle child of the office,

not that anyone's paying
attention to me anymore. Hmph!

OTIS: And I've got a ton of paperwork
to do on these cold cases.

I solved 143 murders today.

That makes me
number one on the leaderboard.

FLUTE: Hold on.
We both found that volcano.

MARTINEZ: Technically,
Otis found it first.

FLUTE:
How dare you take his side!

Do you know who my father is?
[Yells]