(exciting music playing)
(ominous music playing)
(woman screaming)
(soft music playing)
(eerie music playing)
(music fades)
(engine revving)
(intriguing music playing)
(glass shattering)
[Charlie] This is my nightmare.
(static crackling)
[narrator] The film
which you are about to see
is the dramatized account
of numerous tales
and rumors surrounding
sacred lands
on the outskirts
of a small desert town.
Originally home
to ancient tribes
that were known to strip off
and consume the flesh
of their enemies to gain
their knowledge and talents,
it is believed
that the descendants
of these tribes protect the land
from pillagers, wanderers
and tourists.
Some even claim
to have witnessed
the ritualistic practices
continuing to this day.
Now, I know
what you're thinking...
This part of our story
is not very humorous,
although our protagonist
did in fact eat the meat
right off of the "humerus"
which is attached
to the funny bone nerve,
but the events that follow
would lead to the discovery
of one of the most
bizarre mysteries
in stand-up history,
the debut of the original
Cannibal Comedian.
(bell tolling)
(woman wailing)
(somber choral music playing)
(woman breathing deeply,
wailing)
(praying in Spanish)
(breathing deeply)
(bell tolling)
(woman praying in Spanish)
- (praying in Spanish)
- (bell tolling)
(music turns unsettling)
(choral music continues)
(snake rattling)
(gentle music playing)
- (axe clinks)
- (tense music playing)
(eerie disembodied chanting)
(screams)
(sobs)
(whimpers, sobs)
(sobs)
(rattlesnake rattling)
(sobs)
(footsteps rustling)
(door squeaking)
(door creaks)
(screams)
(screams)
(screams)
(screams)
- (bone cracking)
- (screams)
(knife clinks, swooshes)
(blood sloshing)
(flesh squelching)
(Charlie laughs, inhales)
You know, I don't know
why you were running.
- (flesh peeling)
- You got the guts.
(audience laughing)
(smacks lips) Mm...
Yeah, that's gonna
make a spicy meatball.
(audience laughing)
(laughs)
- You know...
- (audience cheering)
...'cause I'm a cannibal, right?
What do you get when you put
a 60-year-old woman
in a motorized wheelchair?
Fast food, am I right?
He knows, he knows.
(laughing)
I was dating this girl.
We, you know,
ended up separating.
Well, to be honest with you,
I ended up separating her
on my work bench.
(laughing)
Oh, I'm k*lling up here tonight.
I mean,
I... I k*lled last night,
but I wasn't here.
(inhales)
Well, anyway, but I digest.
(laughing)
(chuckles) I know, I know.
(music fades)
- (playful music playing)
- (squeaks)
- (spits)
- (dish squeaks)
"Oh, hello there.
Would you like a meatball sub?"
No, that's stupid.
(hums)
"Hey y'all, you want...
you want some meatball?" Eh...
(spoons clink)
"Can I interest you
in a meatball
submarine sandwich?" No.
- (metal clinks)
- Ah...
Knock knock.
Who's there? Cannibal.
Cannibal who? (chuckles)
(car engine revving)
(muffled electronic
music playing)
(playful music continues)
(sighs, clears throat)
(car door opening)
[Kate] Why are we stopping here?
I don't wanna miss DJ
Electric Butterfly.
She's only playing tonight.
[Jeff] Take a chill pill,
we won't miss it!
- [Kate] That gas station has...
- (inhales)
...perfectly fine hot dogs.
You expect me to eat a hot dog
from a gas station?
Whatever, I'm a sucker
for meatballs, though.
- Hey, y'all, you hungry?
- [Jeff] You betcha.
[Charlie] Two subs?
No? What?
What are you, one
of those vegans or something?
I am, actually.
- How about you, boy?
- No way, Jose.
- Yeah, that's what I thought.
- [Jeff] Oh, I love myself
- a meatball sandwich, baby.
- All right.
That'll be six big ones, chief.
[Jeff] Here you go,
- keep the change.
- Uh. Thank you, my man.
[Jeff] I bet you don't get
much business out this way.
- Uh, I get some.
- (munches)
How's the sub?
[Jeff] These meatballs
are off the chain, bro.
What's your secret?
Oh, you now,
just a little preparation,
freshest ingredients
and of course, sense of humor.
["Friend" by Sean Haitz playing]
Okay, let's go.
- (axe clinks)
- (Charlie laughing)
- (inhales) No refunds.
- Huh?
- (skull cracks)
- (screams)
- (screams)
- [Charlie] Ouch,
- that's a splitting headache.
- (flesh squelching)
- (Kate screaming)
- (body thuds)
- Your time has come
- (screams)
[Charlie]
Hey, hey, where you going?
I heard you're single.
(upbeat vintage music playing)
(pants, gasps) Please.
(pants)
Please help me.
There's a man back there,
and he's trying to k*ll me.
He k*lled my boyfriend. (sobs)
Pardon me, honey,
I have terrible hearing.
You said you want a boyfriend?
(sobs)
No, my boyfriend's dead.
(breaths shakily)
Please, unlock your car.
He's trying to k*ll me,
he's gonna k*ll you too.
Oh sweetie,
no one's going to k*ll me.
- (Kate screams)
- Hey, putz, watch my ride!
With your blood
(Kate breathes heavily)
Your skeleton
Rattles in the wind
- (song stops)
- (sobs)
- (footsteps pattering)
- (pants)
[Eleanor]
Come on, get her already!
(car engine rumbling)
(Kate panting)
(tense music playing)
(Kate screams, sobs)
Keep her on ice for me!
I can't wait to get
a taste of that one.
(car engine revving)
(whistles)
(meatball splashes)
(Charlie whistling)
(wind whooshing)
(tree rustling)
Where you been, Charlie?
Playing with your meat again?
- (scoffs)
- (metal clanging)
I'll have the usual.
Did you keep your promise?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I got her last night.
- She ground up good.
- Oh, I love fresh meat. Mm!
Oh, yeah.
- Well... (sighs)
- (meat squishing)
- (sauce dripping)
- Bon apptit.
Oh, you still working
on your comedy?
Eh. A little bit here and there.
It's nice
that you have a passion.
It's, uh, it's gonna be good.
I'm trying out some new stuff
on my guests tonight.
[Eleanor] Oh, I have a friend,
we should come down and see you.
- No, don't, you don't have to.
- [Eleanor] What, why?
Well, it's not quite ready yet.
We don't like it,
we won't laugh, we don't judge.
Yeah, exactly.
That's not what I meant.
- Oy, such a sensitive boy.
- (eerie music playing)
["I Got It"
by Sean Haitz playing]
I got it
Don't push it baby, ride it
I wanna fly away
with you, baby
Let's get away
tired of waiting
We're high in the clouds
Never wanna come
Down
I got it
Don't push it baby
just ride it
I got it
Don't push it baby, ride it
(brakes squealing)
I wanna take a drive
with you, baby
Lay around all day
just be lazy
On the beach
Feel the vibes
In the ocean, it's alive
I...
(singing along) I got it
Don't push it baby, ride it
I...
Got it
- Don't push it, baby
- Don't push it, baby
Ride it
- (music stops)
- (tires screeching)
Hey, you need some help, ma'am?
Oh, sh*t.
Your car is smoking up a storm,
come on in.
(tense music playing)
[Eleanor] Bless your heart.
There are still wonderful people
in this world.
[Chrystal chuckles] No problem,
where are we heading?
Oh, just up the road.
- You are as pretty as a peach.
- Hey!
[Eleanor] Sorry,
I just couldn't help myself.
Whatcha you doing way out here?
A long way from home, aren't we?
Ah, I got a music gig
at a festival out this way.
[Eleanor]
Talented and beautiful.
I bet you get all the boys.
Don't forget us little people
when you become rich and famous.
(chuckles) I won't.
How much further up
the road you do you live?
Just a little further.
So, are you meeting any friends
or... or... or family out here?
Nope, just me. Well...
and my gran-gran. (kisses)
How'd you get this gig,
if you don't mind me asking?
Well, I entered
a songwriter's competition
- and sent them my demo.
- They liked it?
Well, obviously, they booked me.
(whistles)
Over here, right in here.
(eerie music playing)
(car engine revving)
(handbrake locks)
- Nap time!
- (Chrystal groans, screams)
Ooh, you're a tough,
little b*tch!
- (groans, screams)
- (tense music playing)
(Chrystal screams, sobs)
(screams)
- (bone cracking)
- (Eleanor screams)
(Eleanor groans)
b*tch gonna die!
- b*tch gonna die!
- (Chrystal screams)
- Oh!
- (sobs)
Oh, I'm gonna cut
that b*tch's ovaries out,
and I'm gonna poach
them over avocado!
Oh!
(applauds, laughs)
(cheers) What a show!
Encore, come on!
(music fades)
[announcer] Everybody give
a round of applause for Charlie,
- the Cannibal Comedian.
- (audience cheering)
- Hey, how we all doing tonight?
- (audience cheering)
Good.
So, uh, I was out
with this girl last night.
She wasn't too pretty
on the outside,
but, uh, as I say,
"It's her insides that count."
- Right?
- (audience laughing)
[Charlie] I mean,
it was only our first date
and she was already spilling
her guts.
- (audience laughing)
- (laughs)
And then she started
to get a little moody.
So, uh, I asked her,
"What's eating you?"
- And she said, "You are!"
- (audience laughing)
- (laughs)
- What the f*ck?
Hey, uh, it looks like
we got a heckler out there.
- Let me go!
- (audience booing)
(tape clicks off)
- (chains clinking)
- (footsteps approaching)
You know,
you're being extremely rude.
Are you serious?
(echoed thud)
(Chrystal breathes shakily)
What is this?
(sobs) What's going on?
I'm doing a comedy show, duh.
(sobs) Who are you?
- I'm Char... I'm Charlie.
- (breathes shakily)
I don't know what's happening...
(breathes deeply)
...but I've got
a big show to get to,
and people are expecting me.
(sobs)
What is that stench?
It stinks in here.
- (sobs)
- Oh, you'll get used to that.
What?
You don't know
who you're messing with!
I'll rip your f*cking eyes out
and shove them
so far down your throat,
you'll see me kick
your f*cking a*s!
- (breathes shakily)
- Oh.
Would I like to see that?
Yes, I would.
- (teeth snapping)
- Oh!
- (breathes heavily)
- Feisty.
I like that.
- (Charlie exhales sharply)
- (tape crinkling)
- Mm. Oh.
- (Chrystal grunts)
- (Charlie laughs)
- (Chrystal grunts)
(muffled screams)
(muffled screams)
(breathes heavily,
muffled screams)
(gentle music playing)
(tires squeak)
(radio static)
This is Sheriff Weaver.
I'm over here
at the house on Desert Road.
(car door squeaking)
- (g*nsh*t)
- (metal squeaking)
(Charlie hums)
(sighs)
(exhales)
Hmm.
(door creaks)
(thumps)
(chair creaks)
(lock clicks)
- Hello, sir.
- [Charlie] How can I help you?
It is hotter out here
than an M-80 up
in an armadillo's a*s.
(laughs)
[Weaver]
Catch you at a bad time?
[Charlie] Uh, yeah, kind of.
I was just sitting down to eat.
Reason I'm up this way,
is the disappearance of a girl.
- (paper crinkling)
- [Charlie] Huh?
Just the one?
(both laugh)
- Ooh.
- (Charlie laughs)
She's so pretty, she could make
a wild boar chirp.
Yeah, well, don't get any ideas,
all right?
- She's all mine.
- [Weaver] She alive?
- Yeah, with attitude.
- Grind her up.
I will, I will.
[Weaver] You get too attached
to your captives,
especially the pretty ones.
[Charlie] I'm sorry.
Didn't want you to see me
without my face on.
- (laughs)
- (audience laughing)
So, where you got
her shackled up at?
Oh, she's in the room.
So, what do you think
of my performance just then?
- Believable?
- Hmm... Mediocre.
- Mediocre?
- (Charlie chuckles)
That there
was some Oscar material.
(scoffs)
Oh, what's that smell,
is that beef stew that I smell?
Uh, no, well,
I was just having some--
- (door clatters)
- Come on in, then.
[Weaver] I'm so hungry.
- I could eat a horse...
- (sighs)
...and chase the jockey
for the dessert! (laughs)
(door closes)
(Charlie sighs)
(sighs)
You got a spoon? Mm.
- (spoon clinks)
- Yeah, there we go.
Mm-mm.
(chair clanks, creaks)
So, you just talking
in one liners now?
I got more lines
than a coked-out rock star.
(laughs)
What would you know about that?
[Weaver] Whatever.
Hey, how's your comedy
coming along?
- [Charlie] It's coming along.
- Oh, yeah, yeah?
Tell me a joke.
[Charlie] Um. (smacks lips)
You, dipshit.
Oh, so you think
you're gonna make
a career outta
being a funny man?
- [Charlie] And why wouldn't I?
- (smacks lips)
'Cause you need
to have an audience
to make it in these days.
(smacks lips)
I do have an audience.
I ain't talking
about your captives,
they don't count.
Oh, they count.
I'm just trying to help.
Well, you're not.
(Weaver sighs)
You know,
you got a real sh*t h*le here.
(inhales) Yeah, and I love it.
(chuckles)
[woman over TV]
They really are, too.
(TV static)
[Carrey] Oh, come on down
to The Funny Pit, would ya?
We're gonna feature
comedians from television
and local favorites
like Benny Bull Shorts
- and Freaky Franky Fantastic.
- (boy cheers)
[Carrey] We've got drink
specials too, which is rare.
Every Monday
is our open mic night.
So, even if you're not funny,
you too can get on stage.
So, come on down
and make us laugh
at The Funny Pit,
would ya? (laughs)
Oh, man, what a funny cartoon
that I made.
Hi, I'm Carrey the Entertainer,
and if comedy makes
you laugh, boy howdy,
do I got the place for you!
You should come down
to The Funny Pit.
We got comedy,
we got standup, we got it all!
And tickets are absolutely free
with the purchase
of a three-drink minimum,
of course.
So, come on down
and meet me, Carrey.
I'm the nicest guy around,
and I'm told I'm the funniest.
Who's to argue?
So, don't forget this mug,
Carrey, and come on down.
We're located in the middle
of the desert, bye!
(playful music playing)
- [Carrey] Did you...
- (TV clicks off)
(remote clanks)
(CD player clicks)
["Soulless" by Richard
Haitz & Disanti playing]
I had this emptiness
inside me
I walk around every day
(tense music plays, fades)
I wanna eat ya
But you won't stay
Soulless
You know how hard
it is to get out there
and do standup comedy?
You know,
you've never even tried.
(flies buzzing)
Look at you,
sitting in that chair.
Never laughing, like you
could have done it better.
(sighs)
You don't have the guts.
I am funny.
(flies buzzing)
["Cannibal Lust"
by Lucifers Axe playing]
When you're taken
to the back room
(saw grinding)
(flies buzzing)
When the hoods ripped off
You cannot deny
Before your eyes your inside
- (flies buzzing)
- Blood-stained walls
(knocking on door)
His sadistic feelings climb
You try and call
- (wind whooshing)
- [Charlie] What?
(door scrapes, squeaks)
[Charlie] Yes?
Did you dispose of Chrystal yet?
I want a taste
of that pretty one.
- No, not yet.
- Why not?
I'll get to her
when I get to her, all right?
(door creaks)
- (bag crinkles)
- Hey!
(door thuds)
(feet stomping)
- (Chrystal exhales)
- You ready to play nice?
(tense music playing)
(groans) What the f*ck, man?
I seen shows
about guys like you.
- Kidnapping, torturing people.
- (chuckles)
You sickos get off on that sh*t.
I'm not giving you
the satisfaction, m*therf*cker.
- You won't?
- (mocks) No, I won't.
Okay, well, I'll just have
to let you go then.
- Okay, good move.
- Changed my mind.
- Why?
- I mean, we just met.
Wouldn't you think
it'd be a little rude?
Not rude at all,
I'm okay with it.
- So, you're okay with staying?
- (chuckles) Real funny.
- Think so?
- No, I don't.
(exhales sharply,
breathes sharply)
(opera singer singing)
(dramatic music interrupts)
[announcer] And now, TV 10 news.
Good evening, I'm Bart Cooper.
And this is
the Valley Desert News.
Our top story tonight,
the strange disappearance
of Chrystal Jennings.
Last seen leaving
the country liquor market...
- Oh.
- [Bart] ...outside town,
she was on her way to play
- Well, this is a good bit.
- [Bart] ...a music festival
and shortly thereafter,
reported missing
by her grandmother.
Chrystal, honey, it's granny.
I'm so worried,
- please come home.
- (laughs) Oh!
If anybody has her out there,
please, please let her go,
- she's an angel.
- (laughs)
[granny]
And I just want her home.
[Bart] That's some real
compelling stuff.
- (laughs)
- In other news,
a local hunter lands
a prize of a lifetime,
- with a marriage proposal.
- (laughs)
[Bart] She said, "Yes,"
I guess you could say...
- (sighs)
- ...the hunt is over.
(laughs)
[policeman on TV]
The clowns didn't attack
until the fat lady sang?
[victim on TV]
I know, it's weird, isn't it?
But it's the truth.
["LALALALA"
by Sean Haitz playing]
(chuckles) Funny.
(snores)
It was like love
at first sight
When I looked into your eyes
For the very first time
I knew
You felt it too
In this crowded room
Only you
Your love, love, love
love, love, love, love
Is real
And I like the way it feels
Your love, love, love
love, love, love, love
Is real
And I love the way it feels
Love, love, love
love, love, love, love
[victim on TV]
When they found the body of that
- eight-foot clown creature...
- Uh, Chrys-- Chrystal?
...in the middle of my retrial,
yeah, that's
when they believed me.
(snores)
(echoed guitar strumming)
(Bro inhaling deeply, coughs)
- (coughing)
- [Dude] You okay, Bro?
(Bro coughing) Hell yeah, man.
Heavy hit, Dude.
Hey, we gotta find
this stash, man.
The celebrity center,
they don't f*ck around.
- Right? Those kids are serious.
- (laughs) Right?
[Bro]
All right, all right, all right.
I know I triangulated myself
between the North Star,
the radio tower over at Kearney,
and...
that house over there!
(tense music playing)
You hear about
that new movie Constipation?
- [Dude] Yeah.
- [Bro] Hasn't come out yet.
(Dude laughs)
- You like that?
- [Dude] I do.
[Bro] All right, all right.
How do you tell the difference
between a boy ghost
and a girl ghost?
Uh...
- Boobs!
- That's... that's cute.
[Bro] All right,
no, that's cute.
- (gasps)
- [Dude] No.
What?
Well, that guy
must have taken it.
- (metal thud)
- (Charlie exhales)
Let's see what this was.
- (latch unlocking)
- (case door squeaking)
- (sighs)
- (opera music playing)
(music concludes)
I can't sell this.
(breathes deeply, sighs)
That'd be ill*gal.
(gate clinks)
[Bro] Hey, hey, hey!
You go in the front,
I'll take the back.
[Dude] I'll go in the front,
you take the back.
- [Bro] All right.
- [Dude] All right.
(tense music playing)
(door squeaks)
(door creaks)
(door squeaks)
(music intensifies)
Yo! Bro. Dude.
f*cking scared
the sh*t outta me.
- The back door was opened.
- (Chrystal whimpering)
Did you hear that?
(Chrystal whimpering)
Jackpot.
(Chrystal whimpers)
b*tch get freaky like that!
(yelps)
Yeah, let's get it on!
- (bed creaking)
- (Chrystal screams)
- [Dude] What'd she say?
- (Chrystal groans)
Behind you!
- (shovel clangs)
- (body thuds)
- (ringing sound)
- Heavy hit...
(screams)
- (door squeaks)
- (babbles)
- (thuds)
- (door squeaking)
- (shovel thuds)
- (Dude screams)
(moans)
(shovel clinks)
- (grunts)
- (flesh squelches)
(grunts)
(pants)
(sledgehammer clinks)
- (crinkling)
- (Charlie scoffs)
(paper rips)
(Charlie exhales)
(chuckles) No sh*t.
- (sobs)
- (somber music playing)
(sobs, whimpers)
["Soulless" by Richard
Haitz & Disanti playing]
- (footsteps approaching)
- I like your voice!
Huh?
[Charlie] Your album,
"Soulless," it's my favorite!
Figured you'd like that one.
Can you take
your headphones off?
What?
[Chrystal]
You're talking real loud.
Oh! Oh, yeah.
You... you got some...
got some good stuff here.
Definitely some hits.
sh*t, if only you were the head
of a major record label.
- (song fades)
- (machinery whirring)
[Charlie] Yeah, lately
they're coming straight to me.
I should open
my own butcher shop.
(machinery whirring)
(flesh ripping)
(exhales, coughs)
(chuckles) Oh, smoked meat.
- (audience laughing)
- Oh.
Tell ya, you stoners
are sure giving me the munchies.
(audience laughing, applauding)
I, uh... I can't do this.
What now?
Well... (breathes deeply)
Is this about the standup?
You're like
a broken record, dude.
I don't know
if I have it in me--
You spineless piece of sh*t.
You're never gonna amount
to anything.
Why don't you
just give me a break, man?
(mocks) "Why don't you give me
a break, man?"
I'm a standup comedian, damn it.
Oh, really?
Really.
Well, are you gonna go out
and do the open mic or what?
(scoffs)
I don't really know yet.
(exhales) Pathetic.
You know, if you're so smart,
why don't you think
of something?
We're the same person, dummy.
I am just as smart as you are.
Hmm.
[both] Chrystal.
- Jinx!
- (sighs)
(sighs, clears throat)
(breathes deeply)
See what I gotta put up
with here?
(gentle music playing)
(footsteps approaching)
[Charlie]
I don't know if I can do this.
(chuckles)
I... I can't, I can't do--
Well, what do you think
I should do?
Why are you asking me?
[Charlie] Because, you know,
you're... (exhales, inhales)
...you're a performer.
You've...
you've experienced this before.
You know, the pressure.
The pressure?
That's nothing compared
to what you've
been putting me through.
(Charlie scoffs)
Jesus, I can't believe
I'm talking to you
like a normal f*cking person.
You brutally slaughtered
two guys in front of me
the other day, and... (scoffs)
...I don't even know
if you're gonna k*ll me.
[Charlie] Can we just focus
on the problem at hand, please?
Focus?
Just go and do the show already.
When do you ever get out
of this sh*t h*le?
[Charlie] I get out,
I venture out sometimes,
you know, not very far
and maybe not for too long.
Well, maybe that's why
you're such a psycho.
Or is it
the poor toilet training?
- (Charlie exhales)
- (smacks lips) Look,
if you want to do comedy
for real, just f*cking do it.
I mean, if you don't go
to prison for m*rder
- or anything.
- (Charlie scoffs)
(sighs)
You gotta take risks in life.
I'd rather fail trying
than not try at all.
And that's my motto.
[Charlie] You know,
maybe you're right.
Yeah, no, you're right.
You're right, I could do this.
Yeah, no, I'm...
I'm going, I'm doing this.
(crickets chirping)
(squeaks, clinks)
[Weaver] Hey, Charlie.
So, uh, tonight's
the big night, huh?
- Sure is.
- (keys jingle)
(Weaver sips)
Mm. (clicks tongue)
You be careful now, hear?
And you, uh, you break a leg.
Hey, thanks.
And don't forget
to bring it home
while it's still fresh.
Right.
Hey! What are you doing?
Scoot over,
you're not driving tonight.
- (car door opens)
- Oh...
[Charlie]
Your license is expired.
- They grow up so fast.
- [Charlie] Move over.
(car engine revving)
["Locked Up"
by Sean Haitz playing]
Mm.
(car engine revving)
I'm losing my cool
I feel like a fool
What's wrong with me
I wanna numb the pain
Never feel again
What's the point anyway?
Pushing and driving
Taking the wheel
I've been running
around in quicksand
Never realizing
I'm locked up
Inside my head
I need to break free
from this nonfictional prison
Wow
I'm locked up
Inside my head
I need to break free
(exhales)
My spirit has been burnt out
Come on, baby, light it up
- (song fades)
- I have a twin brother.
(indistinct chatter)
Not identical.
Since the fire.
(audience laughing)
(crickets chirping)
Oh, coming from work.
(crickets chirping)
(jazzy piano music playing)
[Sal] What else...
what else? Uh...
- [Frank] Hopefully nothing!
- [Sal] Shut the f*ck up, Frank!
(indistinct chatter)
Hey, bud,
you here for the open mic?
- Yeah.
- [Juan] First time?
Time to pop the cherry!
- Are you a comedian too?
- No.
Just f*cking with you, dude.
Everyone here's a comic.
At least they think they are.
Especially this guy.
Here, uh, put your name on this
and we'll drop it
in the pitcher over there,
and the emcee
will call your name.
- You want something to drink?
- No, I'm all right.
- You doing a character tonight?
- [Charlie] What do you mean?
[Juan] What's with
the whole apron
and the bloody shirt?
- You a butcher or something?
- Oh, a cannibal.
Nice, cannibal comic!
Yeah!
[Juan] Ah, that's original,
haven't seen that before.
[comedian] So, I just deleted
all the German names
from my phone.
It's now completely
Hans free. (laughs)
Will you light this guy already?
Jesus.
Enough with the f*cking
running the light.
Don't be that guy, all right?
You get five minutes, man.
Get off, don't be that guy.
(clinks)
- Guess that's my time...
- (tense music playing)
- (chokes)
- So, what do you say, Bruce?
Oh... Whatever you want, Carrey.
I didn't even like those jokes!
So, you're not
gonna say anything, right?
No way, man.
It's officially
your material. (gags)
And this meeting,
it never happened,
not ever in your life.
- What meeting? (groans)
- Exactly.
We got a special guest
coming for you guys.
A special treat.
Coming to the stage
is Carrey the Entertainer!
(audience cheering, applauding)
[Carrey] Hey everybody!
My name's Carrey.
Not to be confused
with, uh, Jim Carrey. (chuckles)
- (glasses clinking)
- (Vic laughs nervously)
Did you hear about that frog
that parked his car
in the restricted zone?
Yeah, he got toad.
- (Vic laughs)
- He got toad!
(audience laughing)
(laughs) Yo! (laughs)
You know, technology today, man,
they're taking over our kids.
You know,
I remember back in my day,
if a bully came up
to me at school
and demanded lunch money,
you just have to give it to 'em.
Now, it's like, "Hey,
transfer me your lunch money
- through the Cashapp."
- (Vic laughs)
You got bullies
sending invoices now.
Do you accept yes or no?
[Vic] Hell yeah. (laughs)
[Carrey] Question for you,
what do you call a m*dget,
that lies, cheats
and steals, huh?
- You call him a real low life!
- (laughs)
'Cause he's a m*dget!
- (Vic laughs)
- Sorry, little m*dget.
- (Vic laughs, yells)
- Out of respect.
I guess that's my time, folks,
thank you so much.
- (distant coughing)
- Three-drink minimum...
(mic feedback screeches)
(indistinct chatter)
(sighs) Even Bruce's jokes suck.
(soft music playing)
[Vic] Well, uh,
welcome to open mic.
We about to get
this thing started.
So, we got the next comic
coming to the stage.
Uh, I've never seen him before,
but he calls himself
the Cannibal Comedian, Charlie.
- (exhales)
- [Vic] Is Charlie in the house?
Come on up, Charlie.
- Give it up for Charlie, y'all.
- (mic feedback screeches)
Sorry. Hey, hi everybody.
(exhales) Uh.
So-- (clears throat)
So, I was going out
with this girl the other night,
and, uh, she wasn't too pretty
on the outside, but, uh,
well her insides sure
were tasty.
- (Vic laughs)
- (audience laughing)
I mean, she was already opening
up to me, the first date,
uh, with the help
of a fishing knife.
- (audience laughing)
- (laughs)
And, um... (smacks lips)
...you know, she was real smart.
She had... she had big brains,
they were delicious.
- (laughs)
- (audience laughing)
But, unfortunately
I had to dump her the next day,
'cause, uh... the smell
was getting pretty bad.
- [Vic] Oh, no.
- (audience laughing)
(smacks lisps)
I'm... I'm a starving artist,
but, uh, it's people
like you guys
- that really fill me up.
- (audience laughing)
(groans, sighs) Yeah, so, um...
(smacks lips)
You know, I... I gotta admit,
not all my food has been
as warm as you guys.
I occasionally enjoy
a cold shoulder.
(audience laughing)
(Charlie chuckles)
Anyway,
I think that's my time, guys.
- Uh, thank you. Appreciate it.
- (audience applauding)
[Juan] Dude, good set.
[Charlie] Thank you man,
appreciate that.
- Hey, I'm Carrey.
- Charlie.
Charlie, I loved your set.
Was this your first time up?
Yeah, yeah, actually-- Well,
I've done it before, but...
- Uh-huh.
- ...a little more, uh,
like an intimate thing.
Intimate...
I know what you mean.
So, where have you
been hiding, huh?
I didn't know standup
was so popular here.
Oh! It is the main
entertainment out here
in the boonies,
let me tell you.
I mean, that
and, uh, and meth.
(breathes deeply)
So, I do a show here
on Tuesdays,
I'm... (chuckles)
...kind of a producer.
Uh, no big deal.
And maybe you should come by
and perform.
Wait, me?
- Yeah.
- sh*t, yeah.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Okay. So, we're tryna fill up
this joint with bodies.
So, if you could bring some in,
that'd be great.
And bring your A game too,
'cause a lot of competition
comes through here, a lot of it.
And yeah, don't forget,
your like, um...
I don't know, this...
this, uh, getup. (sniffs)
It's great, love it.
Gotcha, man.
- (gentle music playing)
- (crickets chirping)
(wolf howling)
[Charlie] I wanted to thank you
for your encouragement.
I m*rder*d tonight.
No, no, no, not like that.
I... I meant-- I mean like at...
at the club... with my comedy.
Oh, good for you.
Yeah, good for me.
Well, eat up
and, uh, you can have a shower.
And I have some women's clothes
that might fit you.
Why do you have
women's clothing?
They were donated.
(tense music playing)
Okay.
(Charlie grunting)
She was pretty, but...
(panting)
...beauty only runs skin deep.
No, I'll... I'll do a...
Yeah. Yeah, beauty only
runs skin deep.
It's not what's...
it's not what's on the outside,
it's the inside that counts.
Yeah... (laughs)
Yeah, that'll be good,
that'll be a good tag.
- (body bag rustling)
- (pants)
- What a drag. (chuckles)
- (audience laughing)
(Charlie laughs)
- (gentle music playing)
- (Charlie grunts softly)
- (grunts softly)
- (trunk clinks)
(sighs)
- (body bag rustles)
- (Charlie grunts softly)
(sighs)
(breathes heavily)
(sighs)
- (truck tailgate squeaks)
- (Charlie sighs)
You wanna come over
to my house for dinner tonight?
(smack lips)
I mean, do you wanna...
be my dinner tonight?
(audience booing)
(laughs) Oh, no...
Oh, not the same attitude, huh?
That's okay. So hey,
get this guy a drink, huh?
- (laughing)
- (audience applauding)
[Charlie] Oh, yeah,
personally, um,
my favorite drink
is a Bloody Mary,
uh, minus the Mary,
plus the O positive.
(audience booing)
[Charlie] Oh, I... I dated
a diabetic, uh, recently.
Little sweet for my taste.
- (audience laughing)
- (Eleanor scoffs)
Ah, it's lunchtime!
Where is this guy?
[Juan] All right,
how you guys doing?
[audience] Yeah!
[Juan] We're out living
the dream, doing it.
Let's go dancing.
You guys look like
a dancing crowd.
Latinos, when... when we dance,
we got that f*cking
baby making face on
like we're taking a sh*t,
but it feels good.
- You know what I mean?
- (audience laughing)
Like, maybe we put
too much Tapato on that sh*t.
Ooh... We're in there, right,
we're f*cking...
Ba-- Latinos f*cking basically
have sex
while we're dancing.
You know what I mean?
That's why we're having
all these kids.
(audience laughing)
[Juan] Boom, you know,
she's pregnant,
and still f*cking dancing,
you know what I mean?
She's giving birth...
Oh, sh*t, check this out.
- Oh, f*ck yeah.
- (audience laughing)
Oh, sh*t, she's having twins,
all right, f*ck yeah. (chuckles)
(audience laughing)
[Juan] Uh, that's all my time,
guys. Thank you so much.
- (audience applauding)
- (body thuds)
- Checking out our display, huh?
- (indistinct chatter)
Yeah, got some
of the greats here.
Got Don Wrinkles,
got Andy Milonakis.
Wow. Oh, you got him in here?
No, no, we didn't get
any of these people.
I mean, except for that guy.
This guy right here.
Who put that up there?
Seriously?
I got some silly people
that work here. I...
It's-- Probably someone else
put that there...
But yeah, the greats,
kings of comedy.
- Wow.
- What do you got here?
[Charlie] Oh, you said
you needed bodies.
(leg thuds)
(laughs)
That's good,
you're gonna do great.
(body bag rustles)
I watch a lot of YouTube videos
where, like,
struggle rappers go up
to famous rappers
trying to get signed.
Maybe someone goes up
to like a famous rapper.
Like, "Hey, man, can I spit
some bars for you, dawg?"
Thanks, man. (chuckles)
[Fanto] He's like,
"Yeah, go ahead."
He goes, "Hey man,
I used to g*ng bang,
sell dope, k*ll the opps.
Pop, pop, pop!"
Sometimes they get a feature,
sometimes they get signed.
Like, I'm bitter, 'cause like
I can't do that sh*t
as, like, a comic, right?
I can't go up to like
a famous comic,
be like, "Hey, man,
can I spit something for you?"
He goes, "Yeah, go ahead. Go."
"All right, so like,
dating is hard, right?"
(audience laughing)
Like dating...
dating is difficult.
[Vic] All right,
so are you guys hungry
for some more comedy?
- [woman] Yes!
- (audience applauding)
[Vic] Are we in church?
I said, are you hungry
for some m*therf*cking comedy?
(audience cheering)
All right, coming to the stage
is our loved one,
Charlie, the Cannibal Comedian!
- (audience cheering)
- (Charlie grunts)
[Charlie] Oh, this?
Uh, the promoter told me
to bring some bodies in tonight.
(audience laughing)
- (chuckles)
- (body thuds)
Oh, whoa. Wow,
you guys look great tonight.
I'm getting hungry.
- (audience laughing)
- (laughs)
Hey, don't worry about you
in the back, all right?
There's always room
for second helpings, huh?
(audience laughing)
- What a mouthful.
- (audience laughing)
Total narcissist,
really into himself.
I mean, he only eats
his own flesh.
- (audience laughing)
- (chuckles)
Is that too much dead time?
(audience laughing)
Ah, of corpse,
you'd like that joke.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
(lights matchstick)
I wanna thank you
for joining me
for dinner tonight.
- Did I have a choice?
- (laughs) No, not really.
What is it you want from me?
Mm. Well, I don't really know.
(smacks lips) I guess
I just like having you around.
But I can't be here any longer.
I've got a life on the outside.
And, like, just let me go,
or k*ll me already.
Don't you dare ruin this dinner!
(shudders)
I worked all day on this,
I prepared--
Uh, how... how's your food?
It's been making me ill.
Yeah, well...
that's just 'cause your body's
not used to this type of meat.
What is it, roadkill?
Well, for a lack
of a better culinary term...
- Yeah.
- [Chrystal] Ugh, ugh!
Hey, come on,
you know, roadkill, it's...
- it's highly underrated.
- [Chrystal] Ugh.
I mean, the hunting's
already been done.
I mean, you just pick it up
off the ground,
rinse it off, and add some
of my famous herbs and spices.
You know, like the Colonel does.
Cover up the burnt tire
track flavor, I'm sure.
Okay, I'll... I'll tell you
the truth then.
It's not roadkill.
Okay, what is it then?
- (smacks lips)
- (ominous music playing)
No. Don't tell me.
You wouldn't!
You f*cking wouldn't!
But I thought that whole
cannibal act was just for show!
- (retches)
- (laughs)
- It is roadkill.
- (retches, coughs)
(sobs)
(groans, sobs)
(whines, sobs)
[Mindy] I like smoking weed.
I just... I don't feel hot
when I'm really high.
Like weed's not the best drug
to take to make you feel sexy.
No one's ever been like,
"Oh, you need
a confidence boost?"
"Here, try this edible."
"Guys love it when you lose
all your motor skills."
[audience member]
Yeah, we do. (laughs)
[heckler] I got something
for you to eat.
Yeah, what do you have
for me to eat?
- A hoagie.
- (all laugh)
Are you guys ready
for your next comedian?
[audience] Yes.
Everyone welcome to stage,
Charlie the Cannibal Comic.
- [man] Whoo.
- (audience applauding)
They're f*cking awful.
(indistinct chatter)
Hey. Hey... hey y'all.
- How, uh--
- Not funny!
- (all laugh)
- [Charlie] Okay, well,
you know, hey,
you'd be surprised. It's...
it's... it can get
kind of tough doing the, uh,
cannibal comedy thing,
you know?
And, uh, I'm getting
fed up with you guys.
I'm fed up with bad comedy.
(all laugh)
(grunts)
- Hey, you know...
- (mic feedback screeches)
You know, uh--
It's okay, I'll let that one go.
You know, um...
Oh, maybe I'll have you over
for dinner sometime.
- Eat me! (laughs)
- (all laugh)
[heckler] You should be
paying me to be here.
(heartbeat thumping)
(all laugh maniacally)
[heckler] You call that comedy?
Jesus Christ, my dead
grandmother's funnier than you.
(laughs wickedly)
What f*cking kind
of comedian are you?
You suck!
I want my money back.
[man] d*uche bag.
- (crowd yelling)
- (inhales deeply)
(heartbeat intensifying)
(upbeat music playing)
(exhales deeply)
f*cking loser!
Loser!
- (knife clinks)
- (groans, chokes)
(audience cheering, applauding)
(labored breathing)
(laughs)
What a loser, pathetic loser,
oh, my God.
- (laughs)
- (mic feedback screeches)
(heckler laughing)
- (mimic sobs)
- He ran off the stage. (laughs)
Like a little girl. (laughs)
All right. (laughs)
Give it up for Charlie, y'all.
(audience applauding)
Uh-huh, yeah, I just died,
and not from laughing.
(all laughing)
[Vic] Anyway,
coming to the stage
is a house favorite.
You know, we all love...
[Mindy] Rough crowd tonight.
- (indistinct chatter)
- Yeah.
Lighten up, everyone bombs.
In my experience,
if you show
any sign of weakness,
they'll immediately pick up
on it and they'll pounce.
You become the prey.
You'll learn.
Yeah, it sure
is a predator prey thing.
You know, I've got no problem
with my victims and, you know,
dragging them around,
hanging them,
sawing them from head to groin,
fileting them alive...
But up there,
oh, the table is turned.
Yeah, so if you
just go up, you know,
every night you'll get better.
Yeah, thanks for the advice.
Do I know you?
This is gonna sound so crazy,
but I feel like we had
a class together.
Oh, sh*t, it's the cannibal guy.
Hey!
That was ten minutes of my life
I'm never gonna get back,
you owe me.
(laughs)
- (chuckles)
- (scoffs)
What's the matter, bro,
can't you take a joke?
Big, dumb, unfunny loser.
- What was that?
- (laughs)
You know...
if a cannibal ate a comedian,
that would lead to some
pretty funny sh*t.
(group laughing)
(laughs)
["Friend" by Sean Haitz plays,
fades]
(screaming in distance)
["Stranger" by
Sean Haitz playing]
(crickets chirping)
We can go, it's not that far
I gave you directions
straight to my heart
(chuckles)
Stupid shirt.
(scoffs)
(mocking) "That's ten minutes
I'll never get back."
- (fly buzzes)
- Who wears yellow, anyway?
She was just a stranger
Passing through town
From the city of angels
Got turned around
Last night was rough.
But that's okay,
I got thicker skin now.
- (flesh squeaking)
- (audience laughing)
So this k*ller guy I know
asked me to look up this chick.
She had blonde hair,
a bunch of tattoos.
- (breathes heavily)
- (eerie music playing)
Real pretty.
So I looked up my Facebook...
(audience laughing, applauding)
(audience cheering)
Whoo! Yeah, that was-- Oh.
(mocks)
"Don't eat my boyfriend!"
(audience laughing)
I got a like on that one.
- (audience laughing)
- Oh...
So this dude I used to know,
uh, he said
he was a really smart guy.
He had an education.
Well, when I put him
through the meat grinder...
- (machinery grinding)
- ...that's when I knew
he was a well
grounded individual.
(audience laughing)
(chuckles)
Oh...
Well, speaking of food...
(clicks tongue)
...um, you guys try this...
this new plant-based diet
thing, craze?
I don't... I don't know...
(splutters)
So I start...
I started to eat plant-based.
- I only eat vegans now.
- (munches)
(groans softly, spits)
Oh...
God, that really is impossible.
(audience laughing)
Oh, which of course, uh...
of course tastes like annoying.
(audience laughing)
So what's this all about?
Ah. I, uh, made it.
Dude, this looks real.
(Charlie chuckles)
Maybe it is.
(both laugh)
Okay, so...
I mean, where do you live,
what do you do?
I feel like I know
nothing about you.
Well, I live at the end
of the old Desert Road.
[Carrey] Oh, sh*t,
I know that old dirt road.
I used to hear stories
about that place
when I was a kid.
- (heartbeat thumping)
- (eerie music playing)
The natives would...
cannibalize their...
their enemies and...
- (suspenseful music playing)
- You know,
I really don't remember,
I was like four.
But that place always
weirded me out.
The people that lived there
are f*cking weird, too.
- No offense.
- [Charlie] Oh, none taken.
Charlie,
you were hilarious tonight,
you k*ll me!
- Not yet.
- (laughs)
Whoo!
People really seem to like
the whole k*ller
cannibal routine.
I mean, it's funny.
[Charlie] Thanks.
Where'd you come up with that?
I didn't come up with it,
I live it.
(Carrey laughs) Okay.
Okay, I...
I get it, you're crazy.
But for real.
I mean,
what do you do for a living
when you're not
obviously slaying
and cannibalizing on stage, huh?
[Charlie]
I do roadside meatball subs,
little side hustle.
The roadside meatball
sub side hustle, yes.
- You get any business?
- Yeah, from time to time.
I mean, the locals,
they come around all the time.
But, uh, you know,
once in a while
I'll catch me some kids
on their way
to a music festival,
you know, for a quick bite.
Yeah.
Hey, boss.
(mumbles indistinctly)
I gotta go.
- Mm. Later.
- [Carrey] Ugh.
Hey, next drink is on me
for this guy.
Thank you, man.
(gentle music playing)
[Charlie] "Public cannibalism
in Tampa...
suspect shot 18 times...
in the face."
(audience laughing)
Marty, what the hell
were you doing in Florida?
(audience laughing, cheering)
Well... little birdie told me
you've been doing
standup comedy.
Yeah, so?
[Eleanor] So? You didn't
invite us to your show
and you've been telling
everybody
about our little secret.
(audience booing)
- [Charlie] That's exactly...
- [Eleanor] Stop!
...why I didn't want
you guys to see my act.
I knew you'd react this way.
I thought standup comedy
was another one
of your crazy obsessions
and would pass.
(audience laughing)
Standup comedy,
it makes me feel alive.
You know, Jerry Seinfeld,
he once said, "To be successful,
you gotta be a relentless,
ruthless person," and that I am.
Who the f*ck is Jerry Seinfeld?
- (audience laughing)
- One of the greats.
You are an odd duck.
Yeah, but I can still
quack you up.
- (Eleanor laughs)
- (audience laughing)
Uh, whatever happened
to that pretty little thing,
Chrystal?
- She's long gone.
- (audience gasping)
I told you,
I wanted a taste of her.
- (audience gasping)
- [Eleanor] She probably
didn't taste that good anyways.
No. No, she was a real...
bitter b*tch.
- (audience laughing)
- (Gimp laughs)
[Eleanor] Shut up!
Nobody told you to laugh!
f*ck gave you permission?
Get back in the car.
- (audience laughing)
- (exhales) I hate my neighbors.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
- Hey.
- Yeah?
Um, so what's the story
with Carrey?
What do you mean?
Like, is he the manager
or does he...
does he own the place?
- Yeah, it's his joint now.
- (indistinct chatter)
His mom is the one
who started it and...
after she died, he... took over.
But, uh, when she was around,
at least this place
had a bit of integrity.
What do you mean?
Uh, you didn't hear this
from me, but, uh...
some of us around here...
(snickers)
...think he might have...
offed her
for the club and the money.
You know what's odd?
You know, I had a great set
a few weeks back.
Yeah.
Ever since then,
it's almost impossible
for me to get any stage time.
Huh, that is odd.
(grunts)
Stabbed you in the back!
Hey, uh... Hey, Carrey,
how you doing, man?
I'm doing good, man.
Little drinky poo.
- But good.
- Yeah.
Yeah, hey, listen,
um, I was wondering,
um, do you think I could maybe
get some time up there tonight?
(sighs) You should have said
you were coming by, Charlie.
We got a packed house tonight...
- (sighs softly)
- ...but we'll get you on soon.
- Get you on soon, all right?
- Yeah.
[Ryan] I met this guy
the other day.
He's like, "Oh, I'm a writer
and a director and a producer."
I was like,
"Wow, that's amazing."
"Could you produce
more breadsticks for our table?"
- (audience laughing)
- "'Cause we're f*cking out."
Yeah.
Maybe direct some appe-teasers
over here?
(crickets chirping)
[Vic] All right, everyone,
the last comic coming
to the stage is, uh...
Slappy! Slappy is our
last comic for tonight.
But listen, don't worry
if you didn't get
to go up tonight,
there's always next week.
Give it up for Slappy, everyone.
(audience applauding, cheering)
S... Slappy?
He sucks.
So, uh, you gonna stop k*lling
now that you a working comedian?
(chainsaw whirring)
(screams)
h*... ly sh*t.
Nah.
Well, some of the locals
are getting nervous
about your little comedy act.
They don't like you
going around
advertising human flesh
in public,
bit close to the bone. Well...
I agree with them. (sighs)
I wouldn't worry about it.
I mean, it's just an act.
And besides...
they haven't been, uh,
putting me up there lately.
- What, you ain't funny enough?
- Oh, I'm funny, m*therf*cker.
It's just... politics
or something.
(chuckles softly)
Who ain't letting you up?
Carrey, he owns the place,
and, uh, turns out
he's a real d*uche.
You want me to, uh,
take him downtown?
(laughs) No, no, it's...
it's not that easy.
I mean, without Carrey,
there's no standup.
It's his club...
and I don't wanna go back
to doing comedy for my guests.
Yeah, they laugh,
but I think it's just
to avoid me
sawing their faces off.
You ever think
about expanding your menu?
Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm.
(thumping)
Hey, hey, hey,
what's with the banging?
You haven't fed me yet!
Oh, I'm sorry, my life's been
a little hectic lately.
Now, they...
they stopped putting me
they stopped putting me
on stage at the club.
Why, did you talk
to them about it?
Yeah. (sighs) But, uh...
I don't know, I don't...
I don't know what to do.
Should get in their face
and demand stage time,
don't be a p*ssy.
Okay.
Yeah, okay. Um...
still craving the meat?
I'm starving, I'll eat anything.
(sighs) That's the best thing
I've heard all day.
You know, they said you had
to be born into cannibalism.
I didn't think
that was the case. (chuckles)
I mean, yeah, sure,
I've had some,
you know, they... they eat it,
they get sick, they die.
But, uh, I knew I could
turn someone onto this.
You used me as a Guinea pig?
Guinea pig.
Wow, that was a long time ago.
- (gentle music playing)
- Little old Mr. Muffy.
Yeah. k*lled him, cooked him.
My first culinary experience.
You were an only child,
by chance?
(munches)
Did you know that, uh,
Friends was filmed in front
of a live studio audience,
who knew?
Hey, boss, here go
the comics for this week.
There it is.
Hey, Carrey!
Oh, hey Charlie, we were
just talking about you.
- [Charlie] Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
[Charlie] Yeah, when am I gonna
get back up there?
What are you talking about?
Weren't you up there the...
the other night?
[Charlie] No,
it's been like forever.
Oh, well, we gotta
get you up then.
Yeah, so what about tonight?
(tense music playing)
Tonight's booked up.
Yeah. So when then?
When I feel like it.
I'm getting
a little sick of waiting.
And I'm getting tired
of your attitude.
[Charlie] You know,
when I was up there
you know,
they really liked my act.
Yeah, I know,
I also know you're getting kind
of a big head about it too.
And I don't like people that
think their sh*t don't stink.
I don't think that at all,
I just wanna do my act.
(mocks)
"I just wanna do my act!"
"I'm a f*cking artist!"
Think of this as
one big audition, okay?
And at the end of it,
you just didn't make the cut.
- Really?
- [Carrey] Really.
The club's going
in a new direction.
And your brand
of comedy just it,
ah, it just doesn't fit.
It's... it's this
cannibal thing,
it's just kind of stupid.
And that apron, just hang it up.
You don't wanna put
your foot in your mouth.
(sighs)
Whoa. (laughs)
(door slams)
(tense music playing)
I should've never
listened to you.
Now I am not allowed
to step foot in that club again.
My career's over.
(chains rattles)
I was only trying to help.
What happened?
I... I asked Carrey...
(sniffles) ...why he wouldn't
let me up anymore.
And he just said...
the... the club
doesn't want my act.
(sobs)
He... he said they...
they think cannibals are stupid.
(sighs, smack lips) Hey.
I think cannibals are cool.
And...
I love your jokes.
Your act's original, unique.
sh*t, I wish
I would've thought of it.
I need to reevaluate
my career...
and my life options. (sighs)
Don't let that stop you,
this is just a setback.
A true artist never gives up.
(sighs)
(dramatic music playing)
Hey, man, look--
What's up?
You really gonna steal
Charlie's cannibal act?
Would you keep your voice down.
- (sighs)
- Who told you?
This is a small club
and the other comics
are talking.
- I'm just saying.
- What's it matter to you?
Charlie has fans,
and they're gonna know
you stole his act.
Do you think
I'm a f*cking moron?
- Well?
- Well what?
Do you think
I'm a f*cking moron?
Of course not, Carrey,
- I'm just try--
- Okay, then make sure
these comics are in check
or it's your a*s.
Guys are sounding like a bunch
of schoolgirls
on their periods.
Okay, boss,
I'll... I'll get right on it.
Oh, and I'm taking
the show on the road.
No one outside
the club knows about this.
Okay.
Smart.
(door shuts)
[Juan] Oh, hey, hey, sir,
we're not quite open yet, uh...
Come back around seven--
Oh, all right,
what's your poison?
Hey, how's it going, folks?
I am Carrey,
the first ever Cannibal Comic.
And I'm also, fun fact,
the owner of this place.
So if any future comics
wanna be on this stage,
it's gonna cost you
an arm and a leg. (laughs)
(scoffs)
Uh, who am I kidding?
I butchered that joke.
- [Vic] Yeah.
- Whoa! 'h* 'h* 'h* 'h*!
Whoa!
I got you, that was...
that was real.
- [Vic] Oh, man.
- Oh, come on,
gimme a hand, will you?
Whoa, hey!
Unfortunately,
I had a victim
that got away from me.
[Vic] Mm.
Then I later found out
that she hung herself.
Ugh. Yeah, I read
about it in Noose Weekly.
(all laugh)
The newspaper that reports
on people that hang themselves!
[all laugh]
[Carrey] All right guys,
well that is my time.
Thank you for coming out.
Four drink minimum.
(telephone ringing)
(telephone ringing)
Hello?
[Weaver]
That club owner guy, Carrey,
he's doing your act.
Wait, what... what...
what did you say?
Oh, I was just down at the club
and he's doing cannibal jokes.
The as*h*le even had
a bloody apron. (laughs)
Are you jerking off?
(Weaver snorting)
(grunts)
(exhales)
(gentle music playing)
(phone dings)
[Charlie] f*ck!
[Director] This is Carrey
commercial B, take number two.
(slate claps)
Let me axe you a question,
does comedy make you laugh?
It should, so you should
come down to The Funny Pit,
where tickets are still free
with the purchase
of a four-drink minimum.
And you'll get
to see me, Carrey,
the original cannibal comedian,
the first one ever.
No one else has
ever done it before.
And we are still located
in the middle of the desert.
How convenient!
And if you can't make it
at that, guess what?
I'm going on tour,
and I put
my whole heart into it.
Well, someone's. (laughs)
Come on down, now.
- Dude, I slayed tonight...
- (laughs)
- m*rder*d!
- (laughs) Yeah, man,
I guess you could
say there were, uh,
- no axe-cidents!
- (Vic laughs)
You crazy, boss, you crazy.
Look, here go the keys.
Uh, the building is locked up,
- I'm out, peace out.
- All right.
All right, see you later,
man. (laughs)
(villagers chanting)
(Charlie breathing heavily)
(axe clinks)
(western music playing)
Charlie?
No.
Hey, Charlie, is that you?
Hello?
Why you acting
all weird and sh*t?
Didn't I tell you not to come
around here, man?
Damn.
Hey!
Okay, Pleatherface,
really scary.
(metal scraping)
- (Charlie breathes heavily)
- (metal scraping)
[Carrey] Wow.
Dramatic.
f*cking weirdo.
Stop doing that!
Oh, sh*t, sh*t.
f*ck, f*ck, f*ck.
(tense music continues)
(gasps, groans)
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
(groans)
- (blood splashing)
- (Carrey groans)
(groans)
(grunts)
(groans)
- (truck tailgate opening)
- (body thuds)
(Carrey whimpering)
(truck tailgate shuts)
(blood squelching)
(eerie music playing)
(Charlie sighs)
(inhales, clears throat)
- (mic feedback screeches)
- Wake up, sleepy head.
Oh, and you!
(sighs) You're always in my way.
(breathes deeply)
- Holy sh*t.
- Well, Carrey, it's official.
You're a certified schmuck,
you know that?
It's true, huh?
You... you really are...
are a cannibal, huh?
I don't believe it.
[Charlie] Oh, oh,
believe it, bud.
- Well, I don't.
- [Charlie] Because, uh,
I've been thinking of
what I'm gonna do to you
and, uh-- (inhales)
I dunno, maybe use
your skin as a...
as a lampshade, you know,
to lighten up my life.
A cannibal joke, yeah.
(scoffs) Listen, man,
if this is about... this...
if this is about stage time,
I... I... we could fix that.
I could give you
more stage time.
I mean-- Hell, I could
give you the whole club.
What... what if we...
Hey, what if we called it
the... (hesitates)
Ch... Charlie's Comedy Club?
That has a ring to it,
does to me.
You know, you'd do something
like that for me?
Oh, yeah!
I mean, as long as we agree,
you're not gonna eat me
or something like that.
(laughs)
Carrey, I'm not gonna eat you.
I don't eat rotten people.
Wait... wait, what--
Who, who said I was rotten?
Wait, you...
you think I'm rotten?
(Charlie chuckles,
inhales sharply)
I'm gonna enjoy this.
[Carrey] Ah. f*ck.
Ugh.
(groans) Ah.
Ugh.
[Charlie] Hmm...
["Summertime Love" by
"Rockin" Rick Haitz playing]
Oh, this is a great song,
you heard this one?
No, no, come on.
Don't be rude now,
yes or no, no?
(laughs)
(sighs) It's funny,
you know, this artist,
he actually stole this
from somebody else.
Yeah, yeah, apparently made
a fortune off of it.
God, who does that
remind you of?
Hang on!
You don't wanna put your foot
in your mouth... (chuckles)
[Carrey] Oh, no, no, no, I--
Allow me.
- [Carrey] Please, st--
- (Charlie laughs)
- (wheezing, spits)
- [Charlie] Oh.
(coughs)
I guess you don't like eating
your own words, do you?
[Carrey] f*ck...
Well, you know
what I like to say?
Five second rule.
- (munches)
- Ugh.
Mm. (munches) I tell you,
with the music and this,
and you, it's like a,
what a toe jam!
- (chuckles)
- Please stop...
with all the cannibal jokes!
- (song stops playing)
- [Charlie] Cannibal jokes...
(tense music playing)
You know, being a cannibal,
you think it's a joke?
You think being
a cannibal is a joke?
You know, this is my life!
You know, you think you could
just take people's things?
You could take people's lives?
You can't take someone
else's material!
You want my life, you want this?
Take me for everything I got?
Okay, I... I... it's...
it's clear you're upset
and I'll stop taking
all the cannibal jokes.
Can I trust you?
Can I take your word on that?
Trust me, I will leave,
I will go off to some...
Uh... beach resort on an island
somewhere, all inclusive.
You'll never hear
from me again, okay?
It's too late for that, Carrey.
[Carrey] Listen here,
m*therf*cker,
don't get it twisted!
Who else do you think would
put your creepy face on stage?
Who else do you think
would actually
give you any stage time?
(heartbeat slows down)
The same cannibal joke
over and over again.
Oh, it's another pun!
Hilarious! Oh, it's hilarious!
Oh, I got thicker skin
this time.
Oh, that's hilarious. [laughs]
Oh, it's so funny.
You're one note.
You go in with the same material
over and over.
(chuckles)
Look, man,
I don't know how you did it,
but... (laughs)
...you're a has been,
and you haven't even
been famous yet!
(pants)
You...
you just... you wait right here!
You wait right here...
I'm sorry...
Hey!
Hey...
It's better to be a has been
than never was.
[Charlie] Chrystal!
(exhales) Chrystal...
- Huh?
- (Charlie pants)
Oh, my God...
I, uh, I gotta talk to you.
(upbeat music playing)
- Hmm, what's wrong, sweetheart?
- (grunts)
(audience cheering, applauding)
(audience screaming)
(dramatic piano music playing)
(groans)
(breathes heavily)
Huh...
(sighs)
(breathes deeply)
(sighs)
(audience laughing)
(tape warps)
[Chrystal] Hello, Charlie.
It's your favorite c*ptive,
Chrystal.
- (laughing maniacally)
- (Charlie groans)
[Chrystal] I bet
you're not feeling real great.
- I reckon you had it coming.
- (groans)
[Chrystal] You got careless
and really underestimated me.
You don't know
who you're messing with!
I know we had something
special between us.
We both share that hunger
for the spotlight
and I've worked up
a very different appetite,
thanks to you.
(bones crack)
(Chrystal sighs)
Maybe we'll meet again,
one day, in another life.
Just know your act
is in better hands now.
(groans)
- [Charlie] Chrystal...
- [Chrystal] Oh,
and sorry for recording
over your favorite comedy tape.
- No... (groans)
- [Chrystal] Gotta go.
Bye, sweetie.
- (tape warps)
- Chrystal...
(audience laughing)
- (audience booing)
- What? Why?
Chrystal!
(echoes) Chrystal!
(gentle music playing)
[Charlie] Chrystal! (echoes)
[Vic] All right, everyone,
and now, under new management,
boys, eat your hearts out,
eat your hearts out!
Coming to the stage
is the very funny
and desirable,
which means she fine,
Chrystal the Cannibal Comic!
- Give it to her, y'all.
- (audience cheering)
See, she fine.
(upbeat music playing)
[Chrystal] You ever
been up late at night,
with the munchies,
and you just wanna snack?
[man] Yeah.
(Chrystal groans)
I'll be damned if I know
where to find
jalapeo-flavored babies
at 3:00 AM.
(audience laughing)
(laughs maniacally)
(tense music playing)
I was with this waitress
the other night.
She asked me,
"Do cannibals eat ya whole?"
I said, "No!"
"We spit that part out
when we get to it."
(audience laughing)
[Chrystal] Tastes like sh*t.
She asked
if she could go down on me.
(audience hooting)
Mm-hmm...
I said, "Sure, can I go first?"
(audience exclaiming)
I got a little carried away...
Mm.
(audience gasping, applauding)
All that's left
is her wedding ring.
(audience gasping)
Hey, I thought it was
an all-you-can-eat deal.
(audience laughing)
(tense music playing)
Hey, I'm Chrystal,
the Cannibal Comedian.
And if anybody tells you
cannibals ain't funny,
well they can eat me!
["Locked Up" by
Sean Haitz playing]
(Eleanor salivates)
- (audience laughing, cheering)
- (mic feedback screeches)
["Locked Up"
by Sean Haitz playing]
I'm losing my cool
I'm feeling like a fool
What's wrong with me?
I want to numb the pain
Never feel again
What's the point
Anyway?
Pushin' and drivin'
Takin' the wheel
I've running around
and cruisin'
Never realizin'
I'm locked up inside my head
I need to
Break free from this dumb
fictional prison, whoa...
[Carrey] Hey!
Hello?
Oh, thank God,
I've never been this excited
to see a cop before.
I got a story to tell you, man.
There is this f*cking
crazy psycho dude.
You gotta,
first of all, untie me.
I have this mic cord and--
The f*ck?
(laughs)
- (door slams)
- [Carrey] Sheriff, hey!
["Joke's On You"
by Kel Tec playing]
[Carrey] Hello?
[Kel Tec] All right,
all right, all right.
Coming next to the stage.
Someone we all know.
You know Charlie
from the sub shop.
(audience applauding)
[Kel Tec] Charlie, come on
up here and do your thing, man.
Think it's a joke
but it ain't funny
- Naw
- We'll see who laughing
When your a*s is chilling
in my tummy
Get it, I'm a cannibal
they call me the Red Dragon
I silence the lambs Hannibal
nah, I'm Charlie
Hello, pleased to meet you
Later on, I eat you
with the homie Sheriff Weaver
Hey, yeah,
I'm a standup comedian
I'm in the streets again
This ain't a game,
you'll feed my friends
It's sickening
where should I begin
This ain't the lost and found
you never seen again
I'm on some other sh*t
catch me at The Funny Pit
Me, Carrey, and Vic
trying to run up on the lick
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
Stop laughing,
ain't nothing funny
Girl, I know you think
I'm joking
'Cause I'm up there
doing comedy, obviously
Sadly what you say is true
But what you really
didn't know
Is that the joke is on you
So, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
Stop laughing,
ain't nothing funny
I know you think I'm joking
'Cause I'm up here
doing comedy, obviously
Sadly what you say is true
But what you
really didn't know
Is that the joke is on you
Sick and tired of living life
like a goldfish
Seems like the more that I try
the smaller my bowl gets
Tried my hand with this comedy
made me feel better
I met a girl last week
but I want to eat Heather
Like, really eat Heather
my head is f*cked up
Take her back to the sub shop
get dressed up
Damn!
And no, this ain't
sun dress season
I mean, dressing her up
with mad flavors
- And seasonings
- Wow!
Think, Charlie, think
No, she's too pretty
If Chrystal find out
She's going to alert
the whole city
Just keep 'em laughing
just keep 'em laughing
They won't notice
It's all a charade
my whole standup is bogus
I'm a f*cking k*ller
No, not Heather
like seriously, dog
I'm really a f*cking k*ller
Only a matter of time
before they catch me
Might as well keep
feeding my face
Don't judge or at me
ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
[Charlie] Well, thanks
for coming tonight.
Um, I do have some new material.
Um, I'm still trying
to flesh it out.
- (audience laughing)
- (Charlie chuckling)
If you know what I mean.
That the joke is on you
- (dramatic music playing)
- [Skelly] Well, well, well...
(breathes deeply)
...you're still here, huh?
(chuckles)
Y... you hungry for more?
- Ooh. (chuckles)
- (bones cracking)
(car horn honking)
[Skelly] Yeah,
yeah, yeah. (chuckles)
Well, maybe your old pal Skelly,
is... is gonna tell you
what happens next
- in the sequel.
- (clucks)
(Skelly giggling)
I... I have a bone to pick
with anyone who... who thinks
our story's over. (cackles)
(music fades)
(foreboding music playing)
[Charlie] This is my nightmare.
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Cannibal Comedian (2023)
Moderators: Maskath3, GabrielAlejo2341, sidolanters, Maskath3, sidolanters, GabrielAlejo2341