01x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

Good afternoon, madam.
Yeah, stay street smart.

I need two officers to
infiltrate a g*ng dealing drugs

on Brightmarsh Estate.

We're just doing a
spot of drug dealing.

This mission, it doesn't exist.

I need you to bury
this body. THEY SCREAM

We need to find out who
Clinton was talking to.

That person can get us out
of this mess. Oh, crap.

What? Needs his
finger for everything.

THEY GRUNT AND SCREAM

I mean, there is enough info
here to put the lot of them away.

DRILL WHIRS

I don't think he is
investigating the g*ng.

I think he's
investigating the pigs.

♪ La-ah-ah

♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah-ah

♪ La-ah, ah-ah-ah

♪ La-ah, oh-oh

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. ♪

There's nothing there.

I hacked off his
finger for nothing.

KNOCK AT DOOR Dom?
Don't come in!

I-I've got my arse out. Oh.

Have you seen the pickle jar?

CAR ALARM BLARES

CAR HORN BEEPS

Kay, Kay! What...?

What's happening?

I'm sorry, Pastor Tomi.

Why are you waxing
my car at 7am?

It's a service to God to
wax your car, Pastor Tomi.

I know, but why do you
have to do it at 7am?

I feel like I've been letting
my discipleship slide lately,

but spiritually, I've
been in a malaise.

I don't know what... Kay,
Kay, Kay, Kay, Kay. What?

It's streaking. Oh, sorry.

Not... not to get all
Nebuchadnezzar on your a*s,

but the kids notice
streaks, huh?

And where there are streaks,
their ears are blocked

to the message of God.

I'm on it, Pastor
T. Oh, and, Kay?

You are loved.

Hallelujah.

♪ Hallelujah... ♪

DOOR SHUTS LOUDLY Good
night... morning. I...

7am.

♪ Pastor T says I'm loved

♪ Pastor T says
she love me, so...

PHONE VIBRATES

Hello. Where are you?

I'm looking at an empty corner.

Yeah. No. Er, yeah. We're
going to be there later.

It's just, er...
you know, strategic.

We're creating scarcity.
It drives prices up.

Yeah, well, you'd better have
my money by tomorrow night,

or I'm going to f*ck
you lot up, yeah?

f*ck us up, like not
consider us for promotion?

Hello?

♪ The Lord is good... ♪

Hi, Dom. Thanks for calling me.

You don't need to say that
every time I ring you.

Listen, we need to get out
there and sell our package.

I can't right now.

I'm waxing Youth
Pastor Tomi's Audi.

What? We have a package to
shift, for real this time.

There's no Clinton
to give us the money.

I'm well aware
there's no Clinton,

having spent an entire
night BURYING him.

And that's exactly why I'm now
immersed in spiritual duty.

How is it spiritual duty
to wax some dude's Audi?

Because that dude is
Youth Pastor Tomi.

Kay, you know what happens

when you don't hand over
your money on payday?

OK, boys, I'll be honest.

It's going to be
a little... short.

Put your hand out.
Come on, boys. Man...

Hey, put your hand out, man.

HE SCREAMS

Give me half an
hour to finish up.

SIREN BLARES Right, I need
a description, please.

Yeah. Two of them,
a guy and a girl.

Late twenties. Mm-hm.

Is it r*cist to say
they were black?

Not if they were black.

Well, yeah, they were black.

And she kind of
looked like, er...

Is it r*cist to say she
looked like Missy Elliott?

Well, not if she looked
like Missy Elliott.

Well, yeah, she did. Um...

He was wearing a onesie
with... with spaceships on it.

Is it r*cist to say
he looked like, erm...

..Tupac Shakur?

Point is, they were street guys.

You know, urban.

Want a bite of my eclair?

No. Are you hearing
what I'm saying?

Yes. Yes. You went through
his texts. Through his texts,

his WhatsApp, his email -

there is absolutely
nothing on his phone.

Well, have you tried searching
Brightmarsh on his emails?

Oh, my gosh, Kay,
another genius idea! OK.

I mean, I was sitting there
thinking, "How do we get back

"our lives from the
brink of death?"

And it never occurred
to me to do this...

What was it? Searching his emails
thing you speak of. OK, fine.

And how am I
spelling Brightmarsh?

Officer Ogundare.

Ah, Aunty. Oh, I'm
so happy to see you.

Someone has to do something.

This estate used to be so nice.

But now, I'm so frightened
to go to the shop. Mm.

There are needles in the
grass where the children play.

I'm so sorry. That's really bad.

And when I call the police,
they just do nothing.

Yeah. OK, so... so...
so the thing is,

I'm not actually
a PCSO any more.

Oh. But you were so good.

Thank you. No, I do miss it.

So, what are you doing now? Hey!

Oh, sorry, I don't
have any change.

Oh, no, don't mess about,
boss. I need my hit.

Aunty, I don't know this man.

Kay? Yeah, I got you.

There you go. Bye, Aunty.

She has got a point, though.

I think the cops are allowing
drugs to be dealt on Brightmarsh.

What do you think, Shakes?

Speaking truth.

DI Blair.

Hmm.

DI Blair.

DI... KNOCK AT DOOR

Sorry, ma'am. Last week's overtime
just needs your signature. Right.

Yes. Oh, DI Blair didn't
report for his shift today.

DI Blair? Yeah, I
presume he's unwell,

but no-one's heard from him.

Right. OK, right. Well, yes.

Thank you. Oh.

INDISTINCT CHATTER

Oh, thank you.

Jesus loves you anyway.

What are you doing? What?

You just showed that
guy something. Oh, yeah.

It was these copies of
Youth Pastor Tomi's EP.

Trying to raise money
for a full-length album.

Well, can you not? It's weird.

It might scare customers off.

I don't think you could
put these customers off.

Just trying to get
the shakes to stop.

Well, who buys CDs now anyway?

Youth pastor? This dude
looks 50 years old.

No, no, no, he gets
through to the kids

through his lyrical
stylings, OK?

He's the first man to
put the Gospel to drill,

and he's doubled our
15-to-35s in a year.

Look, this is the one way I
can mitigate how bad I feel

about what we're doing here.

Right, customer. Put that sh*t away.
Don't make people uncomfortable.

Look at that. Talk
about transport.

Punters travelling
from far and wide.

Yeah, well, you know, we're good
at our jobs. What can I say?

It's all about good customer
service, keep telling you.

All right?

You got sh*t, yeah?

Yes, we have got sh*t.

Yes, we have S-H-I-T,
and we have gospel rap.

But focusing on the S-H-I-T,
how much do you want?

All right, sweet. Well,
how much you got, innit?

Oh, you're in luck,
cos we've got a lot.

Oh, yeah, well, how
much is a lot, though?

Well, I mean, there's
this. Hold that.

Oh, yeah, that's calm, that is.
And then there is this one, so...

Yeah, yeah, well, I think
I'll take all of it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah. OK, big spender.

So, wait, I'll calculate that.
That's going to cost about...

Let me get that money
for you, yeah? g*n. g*n.

Yes. I'm standing right
next to you. I see it.

Hey. OK, mate, you know
what? I like the look of you.

10% off if you shake
my hand right now.

Come on, 20% off, and...

..we'll throw in one of his CDs.

Nah, you, man, ain't cut
out for this game, innit?

OK, 30% and you can
touch my left boob.

It is the better one.

Argh!

OK. Fake g*n. Hope your
mother's proud of you.

Please don't take
our drugs! SHE SOBS

Oh, f*ck. Oh, f*ck.

Oh, f*ck!

This is all your fault!
How was it my fault?

You distracted me
with those CDs.

Well, you were the one
that were waving the drugs

right in front of him. Well,
you should have stopped me.

I mean, what's the point
in working in pairs

if one doesn't stop the
other from doing stupid sh*t?

I stopped you doing your
stupid sh*t. Like what?

Selling those CDs! OK, look, we
need to think constructively.

We need to come up
with a plan. Agreed.

I mean, this sort of thing
must happen all the time. Yeah.

Right. The g*ng must
have a protocol in place.

I mean, let's not forget
we're in a g*ng, yeah?

All for one. One for all.

OK, it's a criminal
enterprise, Kay,

it's not The Three Musketeers.

Yeah, but they must have insurance
against this type of thing.

Oh, what, like a Churchill
of the underworld?

Their insurance is, we don't
give them three grand tomorrow,

they break our legs.

So, what are we going to do?

SHE SIGHS

Well, I think I'm at least
entitled to know what it's for.

I mean, some people might
say you shouldn't have kids

if you're not prepared to, like,
shell out three K now and then

without giving them a grilling.

Dom, there's actually something
your father needs to tell you.

Oh, no, you're not
pregnant, are you?

I hear those geriatric
births are a b*tch.

I've got to have
surgery on my heart.

Coronary artery bypass graft.

Yeah, it's a major operation.

Yes, I know. Thank
you. SHE TUTS

Sorry about her, Dad. Carry on.

He has to avoid all stress.

That's doctor's orders.

So, we all need to be extra
kind to your dad for now.

All right, feel free to hijack
my father's medical condition

to morally lord
it over me, Julie.

Dom.

So, what do you
need the money for?

I am starting a business.

What business? It's called...

..Coffee Go. Yeah, it's an app.

It's, like, if you want a coffee,
but can't be arsed to get it,

we'll go and get it.

Oh, I'll have a mocha.

SHE COUGHS Basic b*tch.

And how much will that be?

Well, firstly, Julie, I don't
get the mochas, you know,

because I'm the CEO. Right.

Don't humour her, Julie.
She's obviously lying.

What do you want the money for?

You want to go to Ayia Napa
with your mates in the summer.

Yeah.

Charmel's 30th.

I suggest you get a
job and start saving.

Right, I've taken a load
of sh*t to the pawnbrokers,

and that's everything
I own except my bed.

And Cash Converters don't
take beds, by the way.

And I'm just shy of 1,500.

Great. Great. So, let's
tally up everything you own.

OK, well, the only thing
I have of monetary value

is this laptop, but I need it

because I'm editing
a music video

for Youth Pastor Tomi.
Youth Pastor Tomi.

Right.

MUSIC PLAYS OVER LAPTOP

Er, so...

..this album you guys
are raising money for -

how much have you got so far?

Nearly 4,000. Target's 20.

20 thou...? Kay, you can record
a song on a computer these days.

OK. It's got to sound professional
for its spiritual message to reach

the widest possible audience.

Ed Sheeran records
at Abbey Road.

So, are you telling me

that Ed Sheeran deserves
better than God?

Think hard before
you answer me, Dom.

OK, where's this money, Kay?

Why? Because we're going to help
ourselves to a loan from it.

HE CHUCKLES No. Impossible.

Why? Where is it?

Because it's in the church hall

in the cupboard where we
keep the ping pong bats.

So why is it impossible?

It's Youth Pastor
Tomi's album fund!

Oh, Christ's sake. Yep.
That's the name of the album.

We have until tonight
to deliver the money.

Sh! We have less than
half. How are you so calm?

I have prayed, and I
believe, with all my heart,

that He will deliver
us a solution to this.

We just have to have faith.

Now, if you'll excuse
me, I have to get ready

for Youth Ministry this evening.

Hello. Hello.

Help yourself to some
biscuits and crisps.

Oh, and don't forget Jesus
Is A Vibe, 17.99.50% off.

It's really... Are these
free? What are you doing here?

You've been trying to get me to come
to your church for years. Here I am.

No. "No"?

Isn't there something in the Bible
about not turning people away?

You're thinking of the
verse right now, aren't you?

Ha!

These people are, like,
your community, right?

Your friends?

I'm sure if you told them
what you were going through

and, you know, what you've
done, they'll help, right?

Don't! Stop. That's not funny.

I'm not joking. You tell me where
the ping-pong cupboard is right now,

or I'll tell them what
you do after Bible study.

Right. That's it.
Time to go. Not going.

Don't... Time to go, though. I
want to know where... Time to go!

I want to go... Hey! Hey! Hey!
Ha-ha! Oh, you brought us a newbie.

Yeah, guilty!

This is Pastor Tomi?

Yeah. Pastor T?

Oh, my God. This guy is
always talking about you.

I'm such a fan.

Also, Jesus Is A Vibe has
not been off my Discman.

Tune. Thank you.

Welcome. Oh, thank you.

Welcome.

Kay, light massage.
I'm on in five.

Yes.

Oh.

Oh. Tell me! Tell
me where it is!

Tell me!

GOSPEL MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC STOPS

- Say hallelujah!
- Hallelujah!

Saints.

Why are we so afraid
of God's blessings?

God gave us the wisdom
to build the computer.

Mm-hm. MAN: Preach!

God loves things.

God loves products.

Mmm? The Bible is a...

Product.

The Bible is a...

Product! These patent
leather shoes are a...

Product!

Pastor Tomi's 12 Weeks To
Prosperity programme is a...

Product!

The Audi Cabriolet is a vehicle

for vanquishing the
villainy of Satan.

Say hallelujah! Hallelujah!

Especially when I'm
in the driving seat.

And that is why we are looking
to raise at least £20,000

for me to record an album to
sing of His glory here on Earth

and top the charts in heaven.

Say hallelujah. Hallelujah!

Now, let's take a moment to
honour a very special young man,

Brother Kayode.

He's one of our most
prolific fundraisers.

And tonight, he is being
made a senior vice president.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

All in recognition of his
exemplary fundraising efforts,

not to mention the considerable
donations he has made

from his own pockets.
Say Kayode! Kayode!

Let us bow our heads and pray.

Dear Lord, we ask that you bless
the street teamers this week

in their fundraising efforts
that will help augment

the Pastor Tomi
Recording Contract Fund.

Pastor, Pastor? Mm?

And also, please make sure

that Jason's mother survives her
lung transplant. Hallelujah. Amen.

Amen.

Beloved ones,

is there anyone who has
anything to share in fellowship,

freely, of their own
accord? Please, speak.

Yes.

Hi, Pastor.

I'm Dom. Long-time sinner.
First-time worshipper.

Welcome, Dom.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I have a situation I'd
like to bring to the group.

I have a friend, you know, good
guy, Christian guy, and, well,

for reasons beyond his control,
he has accrued a drug debt.

The ping-pong
cupboard's over there!

Kayode. Hmm? Dom,
is still talking.

Sorry, Pastor Tomi.
I'm sorry, everybody.

I just... I just
realised that she...

Because she's a first-time
person here at the church,

that she hasn't received
her orientation.

So... I haven't. HE
CLEARS HIS THROAT

So, the toilets are back
there, and teas and coffees

are through there.

And give me a shout if you
need some help around the urn.

Please, continue.

Oh, God, it's gone.

Your friend who is a
Christian has accrued a what?

A drug debt.

Drug debt. That's it. Thank you.

So, my friend, he might have
sorted it out now, I think.

I'm thinking, in this moment,
yeah... I think we're good.

And that is because
you've been purified.

Everyone say hallelujah.
Hallelujah. Hallelujah.

Praise and Worship team are
ready to take us out again.

MUSIC STARTS Yeah. Oh, yeah.

♪ Lower ♪ Lower, lower

♪ Lower ♪ Lower, lower, lower

♪ Lower ♪ Lower, lower

♪ Lower, yeah! ♪ Lower, lower

♪ Lower ♪ Lower, lower... ♪

See you next Sunday. All right?

Get home safe, OK?

Shall we?

It's locked, and it's
staying that way.

Yeah, but...

..you probably have the
key on you, don't you?

And lying's a sin, Kay.

SHE SIGHS OK.

You raised half of that money.

Some of it is your money.

And it's for a nonsense cause.

I mean, come on. SHE CHUCKLES

The guy is clearly a sham.

Where in the Bible does
it say God loves products?

As Pastor Tomi said, Jesus
didn't live in a time

where people were
blessed with products.

OK. Wait. What are you
doing? Where's the key, Kay?

Are you frisking me?
Yeah. Where is it?

No, don't frisk me. You can't just
frisk without probable cause, Dom.

Yes, I can do it with permission.
No! Don't! That's legal.

THEY GRUNT

Argh! Ow!

You bit me.

Kay, we have no choice.

There's always a choice.

What? What do we
do instead, then?

I told you. Have faith.

God will come through for us.

Are you...? OK, I
am done with this.

I've raised my half.

I'm going to take that to Breeze
and tell him to come after you

for your half. Fine.

Not fine, Kay!

They will beat the
living sh*t out of you.

I have faith. Oh, my God.

You're delusional.

OK.

Wait up.

I'm coming.

Stop.

Look. What?

There's a pound
coin on the floor.

Huh?

And it was outside
a newsagent's.

Newsagents tend to trade
in pound sterling, Kay.

What's your point? No,
no, no. Don't you see?

This? This is the miracle.

Er... Yes!

£1.

What? SHE SIGHS

Have a good luck.

What is that? Scratch card.

Do you have anything sharp or...

Ooh! Your nail. Can I
have your nail, please?

OK. Yeah, that's nice.

Prepare to witness
the power of faith.

Yeah.

Well, we've still
got 40 minutes, so...

Yeah. See you, Kay.

No... Dom.

Dom.

Look, He will come
through for me.

I'm telling you.

SHE GRUNTS

OK. OK.

Dom? Oh, my God!

Do not do that again.

What are you doing here?

I came to get the money, OK?

Because I don't want to see
you get your hands broken,

even though you deserve it.

And I'm sorry, but,
also, I'm not sorry.

So...

Wait, what are you doing here?

I came to get the money.

Let's get this over with.

You know, God forgives
those who trespass

and walk through the valley
of the shadows of stuff.

The Bible's very
clear about that.

PCSOs Dom and Kayode.

Tev was just about to put
you on his naughty list.

It's a Google doc.

Yeah, it's all there.

Nice. Nice.

I knew you wouldn't
let us down, fam.

Keep it.

Thanks. We're upping your pack.

What? No!

Excuse me? I just mean we...

..we can't sell all that.

This is too much.

And... and, you know, I mean,
what's a bit more money, right?

I mean, is it going to make
any of us happier? Shut up.

I'll see you in a week. Mm-hm.

Don't be late.

Don't be short.

We are not cut
out for this sh*t.

Can't wait to get the
hell out of this mess.

"I intend to repay the money,

"but nonetheless, I have fallen
far short in my discipleship.

"I must return to you my
medal and the cherished office

"of Senior Vice President."

How the hell did we get
here, Hooty? SHE CRIES

How the hell did we get here?

PHONE CHIMES

Oh.

Have some self-respect,
Thirsty Kirsty!

DANCE MUSIC THROBS INSIDE HOUSE

Hello.

Hi.

You Dave's Net
with the ketamine?

Please say yes.

Sorry. I'm just... I'm just
looking for Youth Pastor Tomi.

Have you... have you seen him?

Have you seen Youth Pastor Tomi?
Youth Pastor... Youth Pastor...

No?

HE SNIFFS Youth
Pastor Tomi! Oh!

Kay.

Welcome to the youth
outreach programme.

HE YELLS

There was... there was drugs.

There was... there was nudity.

Nobody was using a
coaster. SHE SCOFFS

And he was using the church
money to fund all of this!

He's a complete
fraud! Oh, my gosh.

Who could have
guessed it? I know.

Pastor Tomi, the man who lifted
me out of a gambling addiction.

Wait, what? Anyway, the church
council now know everything.

He's... he's been suspended.

Oh.

Kay,

if we hadn't taken the money,

you wouldn't have
written the letter.

You would never have gone
to Pastor Tomi's flat.

And you would never have
discovered the party with the drugs

and - your words - nudey ladies.

And he would just still be out here
taking money from the congregation

to fund his sinful lifestyle.

So...

Huh.

God works in mysterious ways!

HE LAUGHS

OK, glad you got your mojo back.

♪ Glory, glory, hallelu-uuu... ♪
Too much, too much, Kay!

Sorry. You always
have to go too far.

PHONE CHIMES

Oh, that's Clinton's phone.

Well, it could be a
clue. It's not a clue.

It's some cam with an
anxious attachment style.

I only ever date black women.

Give me that.

Clinton told me he only
ever dated black women.

Right? Well...

..that is a white lady.

Yes, definitely a white lady.

But then again, I thought
Meghan Markle... Kay,

it's a white lady.

And, and look at this.

Look at all these messages.

But... but no flirting, no banter,
not even an aubergine emoji.

I think this is the person
that Clinton was working with.

I think this is the person
that we've been looking for.

This is the person who's going
to get us out of this sh*t!

Kay, you are a genius.

Well, that's what happens when
you're filled with the spirit.

So, what do we do?

We're going to text
Thirsty Kirsty.

OK.

What shall we send?

"Hey." "Hey, baby-licious."

"Hey," send.