01x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

Where am I?

Martin Parker.
Parker's Electricals.

Drugs? No!

Needs dropping off by tomorrow.

I am not doing a drug drop.

Whoa-oa-oh!

Alison's school
fees, Mrs Parker.

N-No. There must be
some kind of mistake.

You've remortgaged the
house. I beg your pardon?!

Piece of sh*t!

I can't think of a
better replacement

for Rotary Club treasurer.

If you two put your
shares together,

you'd own Parker's outright.

Go to his office and get
that shareholder agreement.

You've distracted me enough.

What the bloody hell is this?

These bad boys
are ecstasy tablets.

There's a fair few
grand-worth here, easy.

Hiya. You didn't
get it, did you?

What's he doing here? Oh, sh*t.

He can't see us
together. Not yet.

Hold that door, will
you? Thank you.

Excuse me, love.

I'm looking for Kath Pennington,
hairdresser, or Gladys.

Erm... Right.

sh*t!

Quick, quick. In here, in here.

Ow! No. Diane!

Yes.

Oh, it's YOU, is it?

You've got some nerve showing
your face around here, sunshine.

Where is she, Gladys?

I don't know who
you're talking about.

Uh, look, this is
important, love.

Don't you "love" me!

This is ridiculous!

Oh.

You getting turned on?

Eh?

Bit of bleach? It's
like catnip for you.

What ARE you talking about?

You know -

where you first shagged Martin.

Oh, grow up! Sh!

Oh...

God, have you farted?

I'm very stressed.

Do you think he followed me?

He hasn't come for
you. He's come for me.

Oh, has he, now?

To carry on your grubby little
affair in an old people's home?

Very classy, Kath.

Says the woman who got
pregnant in a cleaning cupboard.

That stinks.

Oh... I don't
have time for this.

Ah! Hey, that's mine.

Pervert.

You won't find her in there.

Well, I'm not looking
for HER in there, am I?

I'm looking for a kettle.

Well, you're not
stopping for tea.

Hmm.

Diane... What?

I lied to you. About what now?

About Julie.

Her massive hands?

No, but they are VERY big.

I DID go to the
office last night.

I didn't wrestle Julie,
but I did see Martin.

Right. So, you did get
the paperwork, then?

No, I-I didn't lie
about that bit.

I didn't get the paperwork,
but I did get a kettle.

Oh, Jesus wept, Kath,
you're talking in riddles.

I think he's doing drugs.

I think YOU'RE doing drugs.

Drugs? What are you...?

Oh, my God.

What? You slept with him, didn't
you? I can see it in your eyes.

No. Unbe-f*cking-lievable.

I didn't. I-I didn't.

I wouldn't do that to you. Oh...

Diane, I think he's dealing.

Dealing what?

Cards. What do you think?

Drugs! Like a drug dealer.

You're a fantasist.

I nicked a kettle for Gladys,
cos she needed a new one.

I was trying to be
nice. That's what I do.

I'm a modern-day Robin Hood.

Oh, is that why you
stole my husband, then?

Will you listen to me?

I found a kettle full of pills

and a faxed copy of my t*ts,

and now Martin's
come here to get it.

He's come for me.
He's come for the drugs.

Are you serious?!

Yes. Drugs?

No. Don't believe it.

It's a kettle full of the
buggers. We're very lucky -

Gladys thought they were mints.

One sniff of them, and she'd
be smacked right off her t*ts.

Bless.

I need you to tell
me where Kath is.

What's the magic word?

Please.

Swivel.

Unbelievable.

Oh... right, listen to me.

You're going to have to go
back to the office tonight and get

that shareholders' agreement.

No pissing about. We need
it. Will you come with me?

Well, I can't. I'm out
with Martin, aren't I?

You're effing what?

Oh, it's just some Rotary
Club dinner. I'd rather not go.

So don't go. Believe
me, I do not want to.

It'll be painful. But
Sandy's offering him some

high-up position or something,

and he's got all giddy about it.

And I have to keep
up appearances.

Oh, my God, Diane!

Look, he's still my husband.

He'll smell a rat if I
go AWOL. I have to go.

He can't suspect a thing.

I don't believe...

Drugs!

Right.

Here you are. Back
entrance. Go tonight,

while I've got my eye on him.

What do I do if someone asks me
what I'm doing? Wh-what do I say?

Well, just say... the cleaner.

You look the part. Mm.

It's a bit risky, innit?

Oh, Kath, we're
middle-aged women.

No-one cares.

Hit 40, and you're invisible.

They don't give
two shits about us.

We could rob a bank and, as long
as we had a pair of Marigolds on,

no-one would bat an eyelid.

Aha! Yes!

So, where did you get
this kettle from, then, eh?

Don't know what
you're talking about.

What kettle's that?
Never seen it before.

Ha! Thank God.

If I were you...

..I'd sleep with one eye open.

The first results in
the hotly contested

Conservative
leadership election,

which sees Margaret
Thatcher with 204 votes

and Michael
Heseltine with 154...

Go on, Maggie!

..at the top of the hour.

Keeley! What have I told you?

Take me cigs again, I'll take
a match to your Care Bear!

Hey! I'll put a bloody
knife through it.

Cheek!

f*ck off, you big fat sh*t!

Mum, have you seen
my paisley hoodie?

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Give us one.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Sod it!

Never knew you smoked.

Well, there's a lot you don't
know about me, Thomas.

You're acting weird.

Am I? Yeah, proper weird.

What's going on?

You normally never leave
home, and now you're never here.

It's been two days, Tom.

I'm always here for you.

Everything I do is for you.

Who washes and
irons your clothes,

puts the food on your plate
day after day, runs around like

a blue-arsed fly for everyone?

Who else has single-handedly
kept this family together

when no-one else seems
to give a single sh*t?

Not one sh*t! All right.

Jesus, Mum.

Sorry, darling.

So, come on, then.
Tell your mother.

Hmm?

What's going on with Zara?

I really like her.

I said I'd see her in France.

sh*t! sh*t! She's gone back!
Oh, I forgot. I completely forgot.

I didn't say au revoir.

Oh... Well, I really like her.

She's different to the
girls around here, so...

Yeah. Yeah. She's
a lovely girl. Sound.

Are you all right,
Mum? Yeah, course.

Promise me you won't
turn out like your dad.

You are joking.

Only me!

What the hell are you doing
out here? It's brass monkeys.

Having a bit of air. Good day?

Not really. Had a
day-and-a-half of it.

Oh, that's a shame. Your
hoodie's in your wardrobe, Tom,

washed and ironed. Cheers, Mum.

Hey, you're not getting
dolled up? Sandy's tonight.

Yeah. Looking forward to it.

Oh, and before I forget,
Mr Scott grabbed me earlier.

Something about the
school fees being late.

What? Are you sure?

No, that's not right.

I'll call him in the morning.
I knew it'd be a mistake.

Thank you, Martin.

Oh, bloody hell. I'll get that!

Hello, love. No, we don't need any
tarmacking, thank you very much.

I'm here about the
golf clubs for sale.

We... spoke on the phone?

Yeah, well, I'm buying
new ones, you know.

I just don't want
to... fling them out.

I'm practically giving them
away. It's not all about money.

So, there's a bit of
movement on price, is there?

Absolutely not, mate.
There you go. Have a go.

Well, we'll take a
tenner off for that.

Don't know what's
happened there.

Still no money from Parker.

You need to go
round and sh*t him up.

Yeah, I will. I'll go round
later, see if there's a way in.

Yeah. All right.
Smash a few windows.

Kick a door in. Yeah. Sound.

I've just got to finish my tea
first, or Mum'll lose her nut.

Yeah. Best do that.
All right. Sound.

Right, see you
later. See you later.

I can't believe this!

You've had all day to get ready!

I need to get sorted now!

Di, where's my lucky blue suit?

This should all be ready for me.

This is your job,
like - a woman's job.

This is what you do.

Di! Two ticks!

I took it to the dry-cleaner's.
It had a bit of mud on it.

No idea how you managed that.

Bloody hell, Di. That was
my lucky suit, that was.

Here you go. All freshly
washed and ironed.



Is that Mr
Pennington's daughter?

Yes. This is his
daughter speaking.

He's ready to go home.

Oh! That's great news.

Can you come straight away?

No, um, I can't pick him
up this evening. I'm sorry,

I've got a dinner party to
go to. It's the Rotary Club.

Can you... can you keep
him in until the morning?

Not really. We're the NHS, love,

not a Trusthouse Forte. No,
it's fine. I'll sort it. Thank you.

Thank you. Goodbye.

Rude!

Oh, nice necklace, Babs.
Love a chunky chain.

Hides the turkey neck.

Hello! Kath, the
hospital's phoned.

You need to pick up Dad.

YOU pick him up. They phoned
YOU. Have you forgotten I've got...?

I've got a heist to do.

Well, I can't. I'm out
with Martin, aren't I?

Oh, yeah. To your fancy dinner.

While I'm out
risking life and limb.

Look, we need to
stick to the plan, cos...

Yeah, the thing about
these... these diets is, Marie,

you need to stick to the plan.

So, stick to the plan and
have a jacket potato instead.

Stop gabbing and get dressed.
Hurry the bloody hell up, Di!

The taxi'll be here in a minute.

Two ticks.

Is that him? Yes, that's right!

What's he wearing?

Oh, well, thanks
for asking, Marie.

He's being discharged, so
hopefully someone will pick him up.

Oh, thanks for offering, Marie.

She's going to pick him up. Is
he wearing his lucky blue suit?

Listen, you silly cow.

Just stick to the plan
and eat your potato!

Fine.

Is that new toothpaste? Rank!

Come on, Di. Get a wriggle on.

You look nice.

Do I?

Thanks for doing this tonight.

It's a big, important
night for me, this.

I know you don't
want to be here.

I do appreciate it.

Oh, right!

Thank you!

So, remember, go
easy on the wine.

Just sit there and smile, eh?

Knockout, Jean!

Hi! Knockout! In't she, Di?

Eh? He keeps you lovely.

I love what you've
done with the place.

Oh, I have the
same breakfast bar!

Oh, thanks for
picking me up, love.

I'll be glad to see the back
of this place. I need a break.

Them nurses - all over me.

These looks - they're a curse.

Dad, I just need to nip
somewhere before we go home.

You don't mind, do
you? We can't be long.

I'm dying for a decent brew.

It's like piss water in there.

The Lady In Red
by Chris De Burgh

So, er, you're in the
building trade, Vinnie?

Yeah.

You might know me as Mr Skip.

You're looking at the man
who introduced the mini-skip

to the whole northwest region.

Impressive.

And, er, you deal
in white goods?

Electrical retail.

A wide selection of white AND
brown goods across three stores.

Doing VERY well
in VERY hard times.

Cool.

So, about this treasury...
I've got a question for you.

And I bet you get asked
all the time. Fire away.

Whatever happened
to the Betamaxes?

Ah! See, I've got a couple of
blueys in the loft, you know.

We've had dimmers
fitted throughout.

Good for you. Nice to
be able to set a mood.

Is this it, Jean?

Is what it? Life -

is this it?

A bloody dimmer switch
and a fancy chandelier?

Biding our time until they
jack us in for a younger model

with perkier t*ts?

Did I show you
the vertical blinds?

No! No, you didn't!

Kath! What the bloody
hell are we doing HERE?

I'll only be a minute, Dad.

You just stay in here
and keep watch. Right?

Keep watch. Why?
What are you going to do?

Nothing. Is HE in there, is he?

Well, I wouldn't mind a
couple of minutes with HIM.

No, Dad, he's not. Cos
I've got unfinished business.

What do you mean?

He had one lucky punch.

Martin punched you?! I
thought you had a heart attack.

He is not going
to hurt my girls.

Oh, I should've sorted
him out years ago.

Oh, God. It is all
my fault, isn't it?

Bad luck follows me round.

Seriously, I am cursed.

Oh, bloody hell! Don't tell me
he's got you cleaning for him.

Christ Almighty!
It's not like that.

Me head's up my arse.
I'm all over the place.

I don't know what I'm doing.

It's crap, Dad.

It's all just a
big load of crap.

I know. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Look at that.

That's a good 'un, that is. Hey!

Keep watch... and
don't make any noise.

Sh. Right?

The conservatory's lovely, Jean.

Bet there's a lot of
windows to clean.

Vintage Pinot Noir!

Oh, it is that.

Nothing but the best for
you, Sandy, eh, Vinnie?

Oh, aye.

So, here's to
mini-skips, Vinnie.

Nice necklace, Diane.

Oh!

I'm thinking of getting my Jean
one of them fax machines, eh?

Keeps things spicy!

Excuse me, fellas. I'm going
to have to check in with HQ,

otherwise I get all
kinds of earache if I don't.

He's a nice fella, Vinnie.

Hmm.

Thanks for this, Sandy.
It means so much to me.

Anything for you,
Martin. You know that.

But you've been
like a brother to me.

How IS your mum?

Great. Yeah. Never changes.

My dad always fancied
her, you know? Hmm?

Said yours never
missed an opportunity.

Shrewd as they come - like you.

But come on,

tonight's all about us getting
you that treasurer's gig,

you winning over Vinnie.

Have you spoken to
his new wife Fiona yet?

Thick as a Boxing Day turd.

But you can't deny
she looks the part.

If you could all take
your places at the table.

Oh, lovely. I'm starving.
Come on, then. Right this way.

I've put place cards down
to show you where to sit.

Oh, great! Do I have
to sit next to Martin?!

What's she like?!

Yeah. What am I
like? Silly old Diane.

Do you need a hand, Jean?

She's fine, Diane.
She loves doing it.

I love place cards.

She nagged and nagged
for that conservatory.

It really is a cr*cker,
Sandy, isn't it?

Top class, mate. Looks a beauty.

Bloody well ought
to, price I paid.

Cost me a fortune.

Don't you even dare
ask me how much!

No.

Very nice.

Lovely. Oh, thanks.

Oh, thank you, Jean.



And that's without
the wicker furniture.

Hey, keep your voice
down. SHE'LL want one.

No, she will not.

She knows he can't afford it.

Oops! Am I not
supposed to say that?

She's pulling your leg.

Eat up.

Oh, the cherry!

Prick!

Bernadette was always Bernie.

Patricia was Pat,

and Elizabeth was Betty,

which is mad, in't it,

cos she looks like a Claire?

You know what? I love names.

What's Diane short for?

Well, I'm stuffed.

Lovely food, Jean, as always.

- Wasn't it, Di?
- Thank you.

What? I just said
the food was lovely.

Jean has served
us a treat, as always.

Well, you can't ba*ls-up
shop-bought gateau, can you?

I think you've had
enough, er, darling.

And I think you should mind
your own f*cking business.

True by Spandau Ballet

Should I dim the
lights? Oh, yes, Jean.

You carry on fiddling with your
dimmers, nothing to see here.

Er, Vinnie was saying
he enjoys a round of golf.

We should pop over to that
course in Lytham, it's belting.

Fantastic idea. Knock
a few ba*ls around,

put the world to rights. How
are you going to do that?

Cos Martin sold his golf clubs.

I think he needs the cash.

No, no, I'm buying better ones!

Yeah. Let's do it. Make
a lads' weekend out of it.

Lads?! You wish!

- She's got a point.
- True.

But you're only as young
as the woman you feel, I say.

And what shall we do when they're
out cavorting, eh, ladies? Hmm?

When the cat's away...

..maybe WE should go out
and have a bit of fun. Hmm?

Oh, Diane!

Could be a giggle.

What do you reckon,
Fiona? What's that?

Where do you youngsters
go to get a bit of trouser?

Diane?! What?

I mean, that's what you're
doing on your golf trips,

isn't it, Martin?

I like this one, Marty.

She's got bite.

Hasn't she just?!

What's she like?!

Hmm...

Oi!

Oi! Fingers!

What are you doing with my bike?

Sorry? My bike.

Are you deaf, or summat?

I thought it was
abandoned. My mistake.

Yeah. Big mistake... Grandad.

I beg your pardon?

Do you know who I am?

No.

Marguerita Time by Status Quo

Hey. Going well tonight, Martin!

Do you reckon? Yeah.

Yeah! Vinnie loves your Diane.

Does he?

She's the life and soul.

Listen, the
treasury job's yours.

Congratulations.

We both decided there's
no point hanging around.

I'll drop off the
float tomorrow.

Thank you so much, Sandy!

That means so much to me!

Oh, and Vinnie wants one
of them fax machines an' all.

What can I say? He's a tit man.

My Fiona... Hmm?

..she's like a breath
of fresh air, you know,

compared to that old witch.

It's like starting again.

Your Martin, he
seems like a good 'un.

Let me tell you about Martin.

Hang on.

There... Yep.

Diane, get in! The
meter's running!

Once again, Jean, I'm
so sorry about the lamp!

Jean! Jean! Remind Sandy to
pop round to the shop first thing

in the morning with the
float and all that. I will do.

You're the best! Ta-ra!

Ta-ra.

Everything is going
to be all right, Di.

Ohh...

Driver, I just need
to do one little detour.

Here you are, mate,
anywhere here. Thank you.

Spot-on, mate. Just be a sec.

What are we doing HERE?

Oh, no. No. Martin,
we need to go home.

I want to go home, Martin.
No, I just want to pop in

and get a fax for Vinnie.

I said I'd pop it
round first thing.

Tonight? Oh, no, Martin...

Martin, no!

Martin, no! No,
leave it. Just leave it.

Just get back in. Can you
take us home, please, driver?

Look, it won't
take a minute, Di.

Do that again, and
I'll knock you out.

I will put you over my
knee in a minute, lad.

Dad! You can't be
threatening a kid.

Are you all right, love?

Screw you, Grandma.

Rude!

Who are YOU?

Who are YOU?

He's a little sh*t,
that's who HE is.

Yeah. I'm your worst
nightmare, sweetheart.

He's a Slater,
whatever that means.

You're a Slater brother?

Yeah. What are you laughing at?

So, Martin Parker
owes you money?

Yeah, he does,
and it needs paying.

What's it to you,
anyway, blondie? I'm his...

..his cleaner.

Then, you can tell
him if he fails to pay,

me and my brothers are
going to teach him a lesson.

What, how to do wheelies?

Here you are.
This'll shut you up.

See you later, psycho!

Well, where's HE going?

I was just going to
give him these bonbons.

Come on. Driver, can you
just take us home, please?

Get back in. It won't
take a minute, Di.

What are you doing?

You've never
looked so attractive.

Huh?

I think I like you
being the treasurer.

Oh, sneaky cow!

Bloody hell, Di!

Frig the fax.

Come on.

We'll get the driver to
play us some Elkie Brooks.

Fool If You Think It's
Over by Elkie Brooks

Drive on, mate!