01x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

- I'm engaged.

- That's not amazing news,

and I'm not happy for you,

Evie, I'm deeply concerned.

- What, did you think

you were just gonna become

two old ladies

in that flat together?

- People we love

won't ever understand

how hard it can be

to do these things,

but we do them anyway for them.

- When you asked me to be your

maid of honor, I was shook.

- Ranesh's dad, Sachin,

wants to meet the whole family.

- She wants us all

to put on a mask

and pretend to be something

we're not to impress his dad.

- We have put

our personalities aside

for you to impress this man.

Now, if I can do it,

and I'm literally autistic,

then you can do it.

His glasses are really small.

- Don't say anything.

[Laughs nervously]

- Well, that was

practically Masonic.

- I had a fight

with my girlfriend.

I wanted to invite her

to your big wedding

SACHIN: What wedding?

NINA: Evie is my sister,

and she's a really great

and thoughtful

and creative person,

and I need to know,

why are your glasses so tiny?

- I think they make me look

more interesting than I am.

Well, son,

congratulations are in order.

- Do you want to go with me

to get a not-hot beverage?

- Uh, yeah.

Yeah, OK.

DECLAN: Have you ever seen

anything so magnificent?

- Wow.

- Pretty impressive fossil, eh?

- Mm-hmm.

It's stunning.

- I knew you'd be furious

if I opened it without you,

even on a Saturday morning.

You could be digging these up

on the Isle of Wight.

You should apply.

You're more than qualified.

I'll write you a reference.

NINA: Mm.

I have always wanted to be

a footnote in a Dunne paper.

- [Chuckles]

If you're worried about me,

I'll be fine.

- It's not you

I'm worried about.

I know you'll be fine.

It's Evie.

- Is she not getting married?

- I don't think

signing a little bit of paper's

gonna change all that much.

- Before I got married,

um, I used to see

the boys from my foraging club

everyevery weekend.

Now, I just get the

The odd text at Christmas

and the occasional

prostate update.

- [Laughs]

- But I don't miss them,

because Gemma fills

those spaces.

- My sister's

still gonna need me.

[Knocking]

Speak of the lovely devil.

40% of all unexpected bodies

are found by dog walkers.

We don't have a dog,

so we walk each other.

Bye.

- I found a dead cat

in the park once.

- That's cool!

Thanks for the pep talk!

[Upbeat music]

97, 98, 99, 100.

Ooh!

- Whew!

You should stretch

to avoid injury.

NINA: Mm-mm.

- Did you see that woman

with her cat on the leash?

- Yes.

- It made me think about

when Mum and Dad put you

in the harness

at Universal Studios.

You kept trying to get

behind all the rides

to prove it wasn't real.

- It's wrong to gaslight

children with fake magic.

- If it wasn't for you,

I'd still believe in Santa.

- 14 was too old, Evie.

Will we still do this

when you're married?

EVIE:

What else are we gonna do?

Oh, um, Ranesh stayed over

last night.

I told you now

so you can fix your face.

- Evie, if he comes

between me, you,

and Taylor Swift

being friends

- I will divorce him

before that happens.

SINGER:

Take me in your arms ♪

Once again with feeling ♪

[Pop music]

- Here we are.

- Needs more sugar.

[Spoons clinking]

- [chuckles]

You know this stuff has

absolutely no nutritional

value, don't you?

- Our mother lived

through the '90s

on three bowls of Special K

a day.

- The cereal, not the drugs.

- Neen-Dog, I can source you

a gut-friendly granola,

really cultivate your biome.

- Hmm.

I can see your testicles.

- [Gasps]

Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

- You could not see

hisbing-bongs!

- Prove it.

- [Laughing]

You're a nightmare.

You used to do that to Bo

all the time when we were kids.

NINA: Mm-hmm.

EVIE: What's the rush?

- Big day.

- It is a big day, isn't it?

- Yeah, as I have a date

- Dress fitting!

- No, I have a date.

- No, you have a dress fitting.

NINA: No, I don't have

a dress fitting.

I know I don't have

a dress fitting,

because I have a date,

because the dress fitting

is on the 16th.

- No, it's today.

- No, it's the 16th!

It says so on the calendar,

and the calendar is king!

- No.

The designer canceled the 16th.

She's fitting one of the Loose

Women for a baby shower.

I explained all this

in the group chat.

- Oh.

I muted your group chat.

- Nina!

- Don't "Nina" me.

Amber kept posting selfies,

and they're not that good,

and you all reply with

flame emojis and "yas, queen,"

and the notifications

are draining my battery.

- Nina,

you're my maid of honor.

You're supposed to be

on top of this stuff.

- [Hisses]

I'm sorry.

- [Sighs]

RANESH: Hey-h*!

I'm back, and I'm decent.

- Yeah, you're decent.

- [Growls]

[both laugh]

- Look, I know that changes

in plans vex you, right?

But this appointment was

really hard to come by.

- Yes, and maybe my date was

very hard to come by.

- Well, I don't think your

date's dressed Davina McCall.

- You don't know.

You don't know what he does.

Maybe he did.

- Just call and reschedule.

- [Groans]

- Who is it anyway?

- It's the hot drink vendor

from my work.

- No!

- Ooh, Nina's got a boyfriend!

- No, Nina doesn't

do relationships.

- Well, maybe I do now.

Things change.

And I can't just call Lee,

because we're not

at that stage

of our relationship,

which is why I have to go

on this date.

- Oh, my gosh.

Is this a first date?

- Yes.

[Ranesh laughs]

- Well, just text him then.

Tell him you'll come

after the dress fitting.

- I can't meet him

after the fitting

because that will make it

a nighttime date,

and men expect things

on nighttime dates

that I'm not willing

to do with him yet.

I said I'd meet him at 2:00.

I'll just do both.

- Nina.

The fitting's at 3:00.

Just move your thing

to another day.

I'm sure your man friend

will understand.

- [Groans]

- And unmute my wedding chat.

- [Whines]

- Our first date was a nooner,

wasn't it?

- Was it?

- I don't think that means

what you think it does, babe.

- [Sighs] We talked for hours.

- It was just so easy with you.

Just this instant connection.

- Hey, Neens,

if you do go on that date,

don't do anything

I wouldn't do, yeah?

- Oh, I'll come back

engaged then, yeah?

[Both laugh]

- Love it.

Ooh!

[Laughs]

- I can do both.

[Soft anticipatory music]

I can do both.

I can do both.

I'm a cool lady.

I'm gonna do both.

[Upbeat music]

NINA: Sorry.

- Ooh. Ah, Nina!

There was no signal in there.

- Oh, I don't do hugs.

- Oh.

And I don't do butt stuff!

[Chuckles]

Sorry, I

- I don't know why

I mean, I don't.

I don't dothat.

Butbutbut not as a

As a standard practice.

It'sit's just not come up.

Yet.

[Chuckles]

Sorry, that's

I don't know, um, why

And I shouldn't

Shall we?

[Indistinct chatter]

[machines beeping]

[sighs]

[chuckles]

- Can I get you

something else to drink?

Anything from the lunch menu?

- Oh, no thank you.

- And yourself?

- Eh, I'll have a

[Breathily]

Negroni.

Sbagliato.

With prosecco in it.

[Chuckles]

[normally]

From that viral clip?

No, I'll just, um

Just another one of these.

Yeah.

[Waitress clears throat]

- Oh

- When Evie drinks prosecco,

she does

problematic football chants.

- Poor Evie.

[Clock ticking]

Did you, um, hear

about the craziness

at the museum yesterday?

A skateboarder tried to do

a trick off the stairs

at the entrance and fell.

His bone was sticking

right out of his leg.

I'm surprised you weren't

down there taking samples.

[Chuckles]

- Oh, we haven't displayed

any human remains

in the museum since 1999.

We did have

this Iron Age skull,

but it turned out

to be a counterfeit.

It was a man from Edinburgh

whose grave had been robbed.

His children sued the museum,

and that's why we can't afford

a CT scanner, but I don't see

what the big deal is,

because, you know,

death is death.

[Slurping]

- Huh.

I don't know.

I think I'd be, uh,

a little bit traumatized

if I saw my granddad's head

in the Natural History Museum.

- Oh, you wouldn't know

it was him.

All the flesh is gone.

It's just the skull.

Unless you've got a degree

in forensic anthropology

and facial reconstruction.

- Not one of my many

side hustles, no.

[Chuckles]

[clock ticking]

Do you watch football?

- No.

- Do you?

- Not religiously, but, uh,

I'm a Raith Rovers fan.

They're shite, but I love them.

- If your football team

is shite,

then why don't you choose

a better football team?

- [Sighs]

[as Sean Bean] One does not

simply choose a better team.

- I get that one.

That's Lord of the Rings.

- Boro

- [Yells]

LEE: Shoh, sorry! I'm sorry!

Do you want me to

- No!

- No. OK.

- No, it's fine. I'll be back.

No.

- Honestly, I can

NINA: Mm-mm.

- Yeah.

It's just because I've not

Glasses.

Um

[Light rock music]

[Toilet flushing]

- [sighs]

[whispering]

Why isn't this easy?

[Sighs] Come on, Nina.

PERSON: [slurring]

Come on, Nina!

NINA: Oh.

No!

PERSON:

You know, if it's hurting,

you shouldn't force it.

That's how you get piles.

- I'm not sh1tting.

I'm stuck in the toilet.

PERSON: That happened

to my cousin once.

She sued the airline.

- Not in the bowl.

In the cubicle.

PERSON: Oh.

- You need to go get Lee.

- Who's Lee?

NINA: Erm, he's got blue eyes,

and he's wearing

a stripy shirt,

and he's got this,

like, jocular

but still handsome face.

[Footsteps fading]

[whispering]

Come on, come on, come on.

Come on, come on.

[Footsteps approaching]

PERSON: I can't see anyone that

looks jocular and handsome.

- He's got a sh*t mullet.

PERSON: Ah!

[Footsteps fading]

- [sighs]

[bathroom door creaks]

[footsteps approaching]

- Excuse me.

Your friend's stuck

in the toilet.

Not, like, in-in the toilet.

- Right.

- Just in the toilet.

- So

- OK.

[Water splashes]

NINA: [groans] f*ck!

Ugh, think!

Think, Nina! Think!

[Groaning]

- Hello.

- Hiya.

- You OK?

- No.

I'm stuck,

and I broke the lock.

- Nina?

Step back from the door.

[Grunts]

Ow!

- Thanks.

- When I tell people

how I saved your life,

I'm gonna edit out

the "ouch" bit.

- Can you also edit out the bit

where it looks like

I've waded in a toilet bowl?

- No, see, it's, um

It's a story about

how cool and heroic I am,

so I'm

- I'm probably gonna keep

the pissy leg in.

- [Chuckles]

LEE: Nina.

- What?

- You're a WAP.

- What?

- A Wet-a*s Paleontologist.

[Both laugh]

- [snorts]

[machine beeping]

- Why don't we, um,

start this thing over, eh?

I think we both came in

a bit too weird.

- I really wish I could,

but, um, I have

a dress fitting at 3:00,

and my sister needs me.

- You should have said.

We could have rescheduled.

- I didn't know that was

something I could do.

Bye, Lee.

PERSON: Bye, Nina!

NINA: Bye!

- Bye.

[Chuckles softly]

[frenetic music]

[Baby crying]

NINA: Stop!

Wait!

[Baby crying]

I should've stretched.

[Phone ringing]

[indistinct chatter]

PERSON: No, I said to her,

"No, Catherine.

"I think you'll find that I was

given summit of the week,

"and it's interesting

that you've pacifically

called me out

in your Facebook post."

- Specifically.

PERSON: Aye.

- Specifically.

PERSON: Pacifically.

Exactly.

- Specifically.

- The cow tagged me

pacifically.

- Specifically.

Specifically,

specifically, specifically.

- Hold on, Angela.

There's a woman

whispering something at me

on the bus.

- Specifically.

- Can I help you?

- It's "specifically"!

Sorry.

[Bell dings]

Sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry,

I'm so sorry.

Oh. [sighs]

I got stuck in the toilet

on my date,

and then my bus was late.

Ugh, and then I got a cramp

because I didn't stretch.

I'm so sorry.

[Parrot squawking]

Is that a bird?

[Bird squeaking]

- Nina, I thought

you were gonna postpone

seeing your wee friend.

- You said that,

and then I groaned

noncommittally.

Why is there a bird

in a dress shop?

- Was the date at least good?

- No, Amber.

It wasn't at least good.

It was rubbish.

- Och, no. What happened?

- Somebody planned

a dress fitting

in the middle of it.

[Both laugh sarcastically]

EVIE: Nina, er, this is Cecily.

- [Cecily humming]

- She did

the bridesmaids' dresses

for Davina McCall's

second wedding.

- Oh, it was

a beautiful reception.

Sting was there.

[Bird squeaking]

He played "Brown Eyed Girl"

on his lute.

Oh, and I take it

you're the late girl.

She's sweaty, Clancy.

Fan her.

- Oh!

Cecily, this is

my big sister, Nina.

- Mm-hmm.

- She's a paleontologist

and my maid of honor.

Just take it off, Nina.

- No, no.

I don't want to.

- [Hums]

I've got a few options

that could fit her.

Pop in the changing room

and take your clothes off.

[Classical music playing]

Davina can do a full

costume change in 17 seconds

and not a word of complaint

from her.

- [Whispering] Help me!

- [Sighs]

Nina.

[Bird wolf whistles]

You look like a princess.

- I think it just needs

a little styling.

Otherwise, it's great.

- Mm-hmm, stunning.

It draws the eye in.

It distracts.

[Gasps] God, I'm good.

Let me just see

where it doesn't fit.

Turn. That's it.

Now up and down.

[Bird wolf whistles]

Malcolm!

[Bird squawking]

- I don't like it.

I'm sorry.

It's just

It's very itchy and hot.

- That's OK.

That's what the fitting's for.

- Do you want a fan?

Clancy!

- Evie.

- Ooh.

Nina, we just need to fix

the sleeves, nip in the waist,

and it's perfect.

- Please stop it.

I'm just gonna wear

something else.

EVIE: What?

- But then you won't

coordinate with the others.

- I don't care about that.

- Yeah, but I care!

Nina, just take a deep breath.

Let her do her job.

- Please stop managing me.

- I'm not.

I'm just trying to help.

- You're not helping!

You're making it worse!

I'm not wearing

the stupid dress.

- [Chuckles softly]

[bird squeaking]

Have you got any prosecco?

CECILY: Yes, we do.

- I need to go home.

I need to go home.

[Music building]

[bird squawking]

[breathing heavily]

[Bird wolf whistles]

I need to go.

- Nina.

- I don't want to be like this

in front of these people, OK?

- OK. I can come with you.

- No thank you.

[Bird squawking]

CECILY: What did I do?

- Don't worry.

Nina's not traumatized

or anything.

[Whispering]

She's just autistic.

- Oh. Ah.

Malcolm has OCD.

MALCOLM: Sweaty girl.

Sweaty girl.

[Chaotic rock music]

- [Screaming]

f*ck!

[Breathing heavily]

- Working on your manifesto?

- [Gasps] sh*t!

Bo!

Oh, you gave me such a fright!

What are you doing here?

BO: I was having a siesta.

Hilda won't let me

move back in

[Groans]

Until she's reabsorbed

her energy from the flat.

- I told you she was a sponge.

You know she can't stop you

from going home?

- I'm scared.

- Hexes aren't real.

- I'm not scared

she'll hex me, Nina.

I'm scared

that this is it for me.

That this

That this is my life.

NINA: Here.

- [Sighs] Thanks.

- You're welcome.

[Cat yowling]

- Oh, speak of the devil,

and she shall call.

[Cat yowling]

NINA: Are you not gonna

answer it?

- No, I have to let it

ring out.

If I reject the call,

it starts a wholething.

- She's very persistent

for a vegan.

[Yowling stops]

- Evie texted.

NINA: Mm.

- Says you went

f*cking mental at the fitting.

- Is that what she said?

- No.

She said that you were upset

and she was worried.

- The dress lady kept

tugging at me,

andand Evie kept fussing,

andand there was a bird

in the shop.

And Evie expected me

to change my plans for her,

but I had things to do.

I had a date,

andand I wanted to do both.

I can do both things.

Normal people can do

both things.

- Wait a minute, you went out

with an actual person?

- Mm-hmm.

- Is it like an episode

of The Undateables?

[Chuckles]

- No!

It was worse.

I fell in a toilet.

- [Exhales]

[both laugh]

- It was awkward and awful,

and I was preoccupied.

- Ay, 'cause you knew you had

somewhere else to be.

- I only had

somewhere else to be

because Evie changed the date

of the dress fitting.

She wants me to make

everything about her.

But in a couple of weeks' time,

she's gonna abandon me

for some

Soy boy wet wipe who makes her

gut-friendly pasta

from Firenze.

- [Chuckles]

Evie won't abandon you.

The girl cannae make

a cup of tea on her own.

She needs you.

You're her person.

- No, she's got a new person.

BO: No, she doesn't.

She's got someone

to take her to dinners

and tell her she's pretty.

She'll still need you

to check her spelling

and help her with work

and watch The Real House MILFs

of Atlantis.

- The Real Housewives

of Atlanta,

and you know that, Bo.

- I've heard it both ways.

- [Laughs]

- Can't believe

you watch that sh*t.

You're a scientist, Nina.

- Says the mathematician

who let his girlfriend

convince him

to get a sage enema.

- [Gasps]

I told Evie that in confidence.

- I like The Real Housewives

because they do a thing,

and then it cuts to them

sitting in front of a camera,

explaining why they did

what they did.

You never need wonder

with a Real Housewife.

Evie gets it.

BO: Well, of course she does.

You two freaks get each other.

Do you think you just amputate

your whole family

when you got someone new

in your life?

- No.

- No.

- No.

- No.

[Chuckles]

Besides, if you two

didn't have each other,

she'd have a face tattoo,

and you'd be wearing

the same outfit every day

like a cartoon character.

- [Chuckles]

She would look good

with a face tattoo.

[Laughs]

Thank you, Bo.

I know that I say I need Evie,

but I need you too.

I can see your testicles.

- [Gasps]

NINA: [chuckles] Made you look.

- b*stard.

[Phone pings]

- Ooh!

- Is that your fancy man?

NINA: Mm-hmm.

- Tell him I said, "Run."

- [hisses]

- [chuckles]

[phone vibrating]

TV PRESENTER: Bees nest

here in the thousands.

[Indistinct chatter]

- Hello?

- Hi. I got home all right.

Um, my dress fitting was awful,

and I screamed in a bush.

- Don't worry.

I've actually been

in the exact same situation.

- [Chuckles softly]

- You'll look back on today

and laugh.

- I'm more a "look back

on things and die inside"

type of girl,

like our awkward date.

- I liked the bit

where you started talking

about granddad corpses.

- No, don't!

- No, no, it was good.

You'd be amazed

how rarely on a date

I get to hear the words,

"Death is death."

[chuckles]

- Well, it is.

And if you like that,

you should hear the rest

of my witty date banter.

- Ooh.

Is it saucy?

- If you're into fossilized

shark feces,

then buckle up, son.

- Save it for the second date!

[Laughs]

- Is there a second date?

[Gentle music]

- Erifif

If you have the time.

- I can make time.

- [Sighs]

[Door clicks]

- Evie?

I'm sorry about today.

I should have changed

the date of my date.

- Thank you.

I'm really sorry too.

I was being really pushy.

And there was a bird,

and I know you hate birds.

- I do hate birds.

- Night, Nina.

- Night, Evie.

RANESH: Night, Neen-meister!

- Night

Neshinald.

RANESH: Ooh!

- [Giggles]

RANESH: Neshinald? I like that.

[Theo Bleak's

"It's Not Doing Me Any Good"]

THEO: When it rains,

I hope it drowns me ♪

♪

'Cause I feel the pain

start to surround me ♪

♪

You steal all my ideas

as yours ♪

I see it now, underscored ♪