01x04 - Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

- Will you be my maid of honor?

- Yeah.

Whoo!

It's Mad Amber.

After eight tries as MOH,

I'm actually so relieved

to just be a bridesmaid

this time.

You could be digging these up

on the Isle of Wight.

You should apply.

I mean, it's a big day,

isn't it?

- Yeah, as I have a date

- Dress fitting!

- No, I have a date.

- No, you have a dress fitting.

I can do both.

Oh, shoh, sorry.

Must be quite a stimulating

space for you, Nina.

f*ck!

I'm sorry about today.

I'm really sorry too.

- Night, Nina.

- Night, Evie.

Night, Neen-meister.

Save it for the second date.

Is there a second date?

If you have the time.

Look, Nina,

I know that Amber and Mum

really grind your gears,

but this is my last weekend

of freedom.

There'll be no drama.

No.

Just all my favorite people

in my favorite place,

getting f*cked up

away from Glasgow,

creating hilarious stories

that I'm gonna tell forever.

I've tried my best

to plan you

a lovely hen do away

in Rothesay,

but please do keep in mind, Evie,

it is still Rothesay.

Yeah.

But it's the sort of place

where we can really go wild.

- Girls!

- Ah!

Hello!

Oh, Evie.

The last weekend of freedom

with all our girls.

So who are we

still waiting on?

Amber and Mum were

the only two people

that paid the deposit on time.

Oh.

It's fine.

This is all we need.

This is all we need.

♪

Who doesn't let the girl

be Rose on their own hen party?

My heart will go on

for you, Evie.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, that's it.

That's Rothesay, isn't it?

Oh, let's get f*cked up!

Nina, get in here!

Oggy, Oggy, Oggy!

Oi, oi, oi!

Oh, this is all we need!

This is all we need!

♪

It's exactly the same!

It's exactly the same.

And this island has no idea

what's coming to it.

Should we ask him

for information?

If you want to get groped.

Is that absinthe?

Nina, look.

You used to love

those Victorian toilets.

Used to say, "I can't believe

I'm sitting on history."

sh1tting on history.

I didn't have the heart

to tell you

they were renovated

in the '90s.

So, Nina, where to first?

Oh, just you wait and see.

To the sesh!

Oh, I'll get the bags then.

♪

Nice bags, darling.

Thank you for the help,

you pervert.

♪

Welcome to mini golf

with a twist.

Each hole represents one

of your many, many, many exes,

with the final hole being

The ultimate hole

of your gorgeous

future husband, Ranesh.

Wow!

What an amazing shock.

Look at all

my failed relationships.

Nina, you did so well

to plan this all by yourself.

I still get sweet texts

from that one.

Mum, he's a scammer.

I bought his bitcoins.

♪

She was a bawbag.

She never laughed at my jokes,

and I'm funny.

She never deserved you, Evie.

Now Evie's on

to the last hole.

Whoo-hoo!

Evie, isn't it crazy?

Everywhere you go,

Ranesh will be there.

You wake up, he's there.

You go to bed, he's there.

Just him.

Always and forever.

You're the luckiest girl

in the world.

Manifest it, babe.

Put your ball

in his hole, Evie.

Visualize walking

down the aisle.

Ranesh forevs.

You have to really

want this, Evie!

Aww.

Not to worry, darling.

Yeah, Ranesh is really hard.

Right.

Nina, where to next?

Beach, then B&B.

Whoo-hoo!

Ooh!

♪

Suitcases!

Shite-hawks.

Come and join me, girls!

It's really not cold at all!

Yeah, just putting on

sun cream!

Whoo!

God, that's depressing.

Nina, when's it all

gonna kick off?

Been here

for, like, three hours

and we've not had any

You said you wanted

to come to the beach,

so I brought you to the beach.

I've got this scheduled

for another two hours.

Look, no offense intended

in the slightest, Nina

this sesh is worse

than my granddad's funeral.

And he fell out the coffin.

This is Evie's final chance

to get f*cked up

before she's chained

to the beautiful ball and chain

that is Ranesh.

And we need to make

the most of it.

God, he's great.

Amber, can you stop

with the Ranesh praising?

My point is,

this has to be the send-off

that Evie deserves.

We're gonna need something

stronger than absinthe.

I'm freezing

my t*ts off, but I feel alive!

I'm talking about

Drugs.

Oh, my God, yeah. Please.

How the hell are we getting

drugs in Rothesay?

Yeah, good point.

OK, Nina, you look after Mum.

- We're gonna go find some drugs.

- Eh, eh, eh.

Why do you assume

that I don't know

how to get that kind of stuff?

I know that Mum treats me

like a toddler,

but I know

how to procure drugs.

- Oh, do you now?

- Yes, I do.

Come in, girls!

Oh, I'm gonna go

phone my drug friend

who knows about drugs.

She's so full of surprises.

Who knew?

- I'm serious, Bo.

- I'm sorry.

I'm just picturing you

holed up on a cocaine farm

with two g*ns in your pants

and a dead hooker in the boot.

What do you want drugs for, anyway?

Can you help me or can't you?

You know, my days of uppers

are behind me, Nina.

Are you not

in Ranesh's stag do?

Does he not have any?

He refuses to call it a stag

'cause of the patriarchal associations.

Hang on.

I will activate my blue tit

and gain one worm

and two wheat,

and I've done it.

I've diversified the wetlands.

Yes!

I knew I would.

I knew I would.

Yeah, there's no drugs here.

Can you have, like,

a wee scramble about,

see if you can find some,

and then bring them to me?

Afraid not.

I'm actually not allowed

to set foot in Rothesay

after I punched that swan.

Nina, you're from Glasgow.

Even you will know someone

that knows someone.

Just think about

the coolest person you know,

someone that works

a minimum wage job

but never seems to be

worried about money.

That guy is probably

selling something.

OK, Bo.

Love you. Bye.

Love

What do they say, "birds

of a feather flock together"?

Unless you're me, the winner.

Yes.

Hello?

Hi.

Who is this?

This is Nina

from the museum and the date.

I fell in the toilet.

Yeah, you don't need to say

"Nina from."

You're actually

the only Nina I know.

You're my one and only Nina.

Are you jumping?

No.

Erm, just fixing my coat.

Do you, erm, perchance dabble

In drugs?

Let me cut

to the chase here, friend.

I am three hours deep

in a hen party

where I am maid of honor,

and nothing fun nor epic

has happened.

And as maid of honor,

it's within my remit

to create fun and epicness,

so could you bring me drugs

so I can make

something fun happen?

Drugs.

Drugs. Drugs!

Drugs. Yeah, yeah.

No, I canI mean, I'mI'm

I'mI'm meant to be work

no, no, no, I can do it.

I can do it. Yeah.

Oh, do you know

where to get them?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, of course. Yeah.

JustI just need

to make a few calls.

Awesome, and, um,

could you bring them to me?

I'm in a place called Rothesay.

Rothesay?

Oh, I hear it's

No, it's not.

Right.

No, I'llI'll

I'll get the stuff, Nina.

Justjust give me a few hours.

Oh!

Ah I'm your man.

OK, thank you.

OK. Love you. Bye.

f*ck.

Hello!

I've procured the gear.

They're gonna be here

in a couple of hours.

Whoo!

To the B&B!

What are you screaming about?

We love you!

- Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God!

I'm not surprised ♪

Said I'm your type ♪

Can't look at you

with those wandering eyes ♪

Tell me the truth ♪

Ooh. Blame the curb.

Are you all right?

I'm amazing, Nina.

I'm having such a good time.

There's this play park

on the hill by the harbor.

And we took Nina there

when she was 13.

She got stuck in a slide,

and she was screaming

so loudly.

Mum, stop.

When the fire department

rescued her,

we realized she'd just been

holding on to the inside

- the entire time.

- No.

And she kept yelling,

"Stop laughing!"

which meant

everybody couldn't stop

Mum, stop!

Stop it!

It's not funny.

And now for the next stop

in our extravaganza,

a place

with more elderly gentlemen

than Amber's pants.

It's the pub.

Are you OK?

-Yeah, very.

-Yes?

We're now gonna hand over

to Amber,

who is gonna make us play

a weird game.

Thank you so much for

the kind introduction, Nina.

OK.

So everyone write down

three of your deepest, darkest,

most sexual secrets.

There's only one rule

don't be boring.

It's a hen party,

for God's sake.

It's obviously only funny

if it's about sex.

Oh, Nina, shut your ears.

I've done it 13 times.

Boop.

♪

Haven't got my glasses.

You don't wear glasses.

Shh.

"I've had a thing

for Alan Titsmarsh

since I saw him in the street

in the early '90s."

Oh, that's a head-scratcher.

OK, so just to reiterate,

this game's meant to be

really outrageous.

It's obviously mum.

- Was it you?

- Yeah.

It's just the way

he holds his trowel.

"I had a dream about pumping

David Attenborough."

Nina.

Nina, you can't say that.

He's, like, 100 years old.

Amber said to make it sexy.

Attenborough's

a national treasure, Nina.

Nina, inappropriate.

It was only a dream.

I didn't actually do it.

"I threw a hot dog

at a painting

"in the National Portrait Gallery.

"When the police questioned me,

I lied

and said I'd done it as part

of the Stop Oil movement.

And also, I think

I'm addicted to pegging."

Amber?

Nice try.

That is so you, Nina.

Nina, is this

overstimulating you?

Do you need a quiet space?

- No, I'm fine.

- OK.

"I've led someone on."

That's all it says.

It's me.

It's me again. Oh.

-Nina!

- What am I like?

You should never

lead anyone on, Nina.

Ever.

Who was it?

Just a man at work.

Oh, an admirer?

No, it's the man from

the coffee man.

Erm, the coffee van man.

It's the coffee van man.

And we have this chemistry,

this frisson of sexual tension.

Andandand I have been

flirting with him a lot,

which is bad,

because I get bored at work.

So I just head over

to the coffee van

in my practical

but alluring dress,

and I pop a button

and squeeze my boobs together

really hard.

And I just do it

so that I can

I can feel something,

to feel alive.

Andand the worst part is,

is he's coming here tonight,

so

Nina, you shouldn't be

leading this poor boy on

just for your own amusement.

It's a terrible thing to do.

Yes, I know, Mum!

That's why I wrote it

in a confession square.

Nina.

You dark horse.

Evie?

Evie.

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

It's just,

you don't seem fine

with the running to the toilet

and vomiting loudly.

Evie.

You wrote that truth,

didn't you?

Ugh!

You got me.

I've got a thing

for the Titsmarsh.

Are you OK?

It's nothing. I'm fine.

- You're allowed to be scared.

- I'm not scared!

Just stop worrying about me.

There's a man by the bar

asking for you.

What? Why?

No, not you.

You.

Go get it, girl.

Ah, the coffee van man.

Yeah.

You came.

Yeah.

And you brought a

Oh, this is

my old friend, Euan.

Great.

And he's here because?

Eh, III got the stuff

from him.

Um, yes.

And thenand then, um, I said

I was going to Rothesay,

and he says,

"I've never been to Rothesay."

Soso now Euan's here as well.

Cool.

Are you gonna

introduce us, Nina?

Yep.

Erm, this is Lee.

Hi.

This is his good friend, Euan,

who's also with us today.

This is my mother, Diane.

We've met.

And this is my sister, Evie.

Hello, boy.

And this is my

well, this is just Amber.

She's not my anything.

These are the drug dealers?

-Yes?

- Cool.

It's just, they look a bit

like massive nerds.

Yeah, well, try and keep

an open mind, Amber.

Sometimes people don't

look like their jobs, yeah?

Wow.

Boys in a hen do.

What will they think of next?

No one goes on all-girl

hen dos anymore, Diane.

It's passé.

Wait, this is a hen do?

Aren't there meant to be,

like, more girls?

This is all we need.

-Yeah.

- Yeah.

Yeah. This is all we need!

Right.

Who's getting the next round?

- Jaegerbomb, please.

- Oh.

- Gin and tonic, please.

- Right.

Can I get a glass

of tepid water?

Tepid, not warm.

Cool.

-Have you got that

- Yeah, yeah.

Let's get this party started!

Oblivion, here we come

Is that it?

Apparently.

Do we cut it up, Euan?

No.

I say

we should smoke this joint

right here, right now

in this pub.

Because we are young

and we are alive.

Or do you know

what we could do?

We could

oh, what if we went outside?

What?

Yeah.

-Yeah?

-Love that.

Yeah. Ten points.

Oh, no.

Nina, Nina, you stay with Mum.

- Oh, but I want to

- Mum needs you.

Oh, where did everyone go?

To smoke a big joint.

Oh, very good.

Nina, if you're

feeling anxious

Mum, let it go.

You're so focused on me,

you haven't even noticed

that your other daughter is

falling about

all over the place.

You know Evie's

on the other side of that wall

right now smoking drugs.

- Without me.

- Aww.

I'm glad

she's letting off steam.

I know

what's going on here, Nina.

If you're gonna have

a meltdown,

I think it might be better

if we just go outside.

I'm not having a meltdown.

This is not a meltdown.

I'mI'm merely annoyed.

Mum, I know

you're trying to help,

but the world is a bad

and horrible and stupid place,

and you cannae fix it.

You can teach me every

coping mechanism under the sun,

but if you can't cope

with me coping,

then it's not gonna work.

I'm so sorry, Wheat Puff.

I thought

becoming a psychotherapist

would help me

to understand you.

You became a psychotherapist

because of me?

Yes.

f*ck.

I know.

What do you want me to do?

Treat me like a grown-up.

OK.

How do I do that?

I don't know.

Oh, it's tricky, isn't it?

♪

Glorious.

Go on.

No. No.

I'm under pressure ♪

Where is my face at? ♪

I'm under pressure ♪

Your friend seems

to have cheered up.

Yeah.

There must be something

in the tepid water.

Did he eat

the rest of the drugs?

Look, Nina,

I'm gonna level with you.

I don't really know the guy.

Like, he used to deal

back at uni,

but when I said

I was going to Rothesay,

he just kind of

invited himself along.

And when we were on the ferry,

he started talking about

how he doesn't really believe

in gravity.

What?

Yeah.

That's kind of the level of guy

we're dealing with here.

But, umbut it looks like

he's having fun,

and it's worked out

all right, yeah?

He's dancing with my mum.

I know. I know.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Word on the street is,

you can bring in your own chips

before 11:00.

Cool.

Do you want to go get

some chips with me, Nina?

All right.

♪

Nina, you

Is this a second date?

Uh, I meanwell, let's see.

- We have a pub.

- Mm-hmm.

- Beer.

- Mm.

A nice girl,

a depressed drug dealer,

and your mum.

Classic second date.

I'm sorry my mum's here.

Oh, no.

Your mum's cool.

I wish my mum cared that much.

I'm sorry.

Oh, don't be. No.

I moved away from home

a long time ago.

And now I sell coffee out a van

and live opposite the best

chippie in Clover Street.

So who's laughing now?

You.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Leslie was never

big enough for me anyway.

Who's Leslie?

Oh, that

that's where I'm from.

Lee from Leslie.

- That's me.

- Mm-hmm.

So if you could go

anywhere in the world,

where would you go?

Glasgow.

Anywhere in the world.

Glasgow.

OK.

Anywhere except Glasgow.

The Isle of Wight.

Wow. Why?

There's this lady called

Dr. Catherine Dunne,

and, erm, she's discovered

these armored dinosaurs

that are probably, like,

145 million years old.

- What?

- And they're gonna change

the landscape

of British dinosaur discourse.

And she posted this thing for

sorry, I'm talking too much.

No. Erm, keep going.

Keep going.

She posted this thing

looking for people

to go to the Isle of Wight

and work with her,

and I applied.

Right.

So if you, ermif you got it,

would you go?

Yeah.

No.

I don't know.

Choices are hard.

Yeah.

I mean, there's a lot

to stay in Glasgow for.

Well, my parents and my job

and all of my pens

are in Glasgow.

- Yeah.

- And my sister.

And my sister's wedding.

And the wedding's coming up,

and I'm the maid of honor.

And it's gonna be a whole day

of everybody pretending.

Andand I don't know

what to do with my face

'cause I never know

what to do with my face.

And my mum keeps saying, "Nina,

Nina, you have to tell me.

"Are you bringing a plus-one,

because I need to know

for the seating arrangements."

I don't know.

Do you want to be my plus-one?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'll be

your plus-one, Nina.

Send me the details.

I will.

Don't forget.

Shan't.

Oh, youyou've got a little

do you want

can I just touch your face?

Mm-hmm.

♪

♪

Evie!

Oh, sh*t.

♪

What is pegging?

♪

So far, so good ♪

You see ♪

It's fine, it's fine ♪

The signs that ♪

I am floating 'round here ♪

It's fine,

it's fine, it's fine ♪