01x03 - Delhi Boys

[bunniefuu]

-[items clattering]

-[boys grunting]

[Mir Dar]

Stop pushing me!

[Raj Dar]

Mir, you're stepping on my foot.

Where are we?

I can't see anything.

[both sigh]

[Mir] What the hell

is this place?

-Like a light or something?

-[Raj] Oh, I got something.

I got something.

Okay. What?

[dramatic sting]

[Raj] Okay, screw this.

We gotta get outta here.

-[Mir] Hey, someone!

-[Raj] Hello, anybody out there?

-Oh, my God.

-Shut up! Shut up!

-Shut up.

-You kidnapped us?

You guys are gonna k*ll us?

It's not off the table.

-[Lucky] Sit down.

-[door slams]

Watch the video.

[peppy music playing on video]

Thank you, sir.

Oh, hi.

Didn't see you there.

You must be the proud

new owner of an ABC Deli.

Time to learn how you'll

make real money.

-With cocaine!

-[bell dings]

[funky upbeat theme playing]

[g*nshots]

[b*llet shells clinking]

[Baba Dar] [on TV]

Our cocaine comes from my pals

in the Saltado Cartel

in beautiful Peru.

They are extremely efficient

about sending shipments,

picking up payments,

and disemboweling people who are late.

So set up your calendar alerts!

It arrives to the

Port of Philadelphia,

where our head of

transportation, Hamza,

that's Hamza,

picks it up and

brings it in for processing.

-I took that picture.

-[Raj] Hmm.

We went for smoothies

at our favorite place right after.

-[horn honks, tires screeching]

-[Hamza grunts]

-[body thuds]

-Oh.

I hope he turns up.

Starting soon,

we're getting an upgrade.

The product is

submerged in achar.

The most pungent

substance on earth.

Wow. Pungent.

So just set aside a few

marked containers

from each shipment,

and a reliable courier

will claim them.

[Mir/Raj] Hmm.

[Baba]

And just like that, you'll join

ABC Deli franchisees

across the Delaware Valley

in prosperity.

Just keep your

g*dd*mn mouth shut.

-[patriotic music playing]

-[bell dings]

And that is how

your father's business works.

I mean, Baba was

a menace with iMovie.

[sighs]

Make it quick, Mercer.

I'm on CNN in 20 minutes

to downplay the spike

in g*n deaths.

What's the headline?

DarCo's ABC Deli chain is

a covert distribution network

for imported international

cocaine.

-I'm leaning in.

-In my investigation

of DarCo CEO Arshad "Baba" Dar,

I pieced together a timeline.

In the '90s,

he made several trips

to Peru, Bolivia, and Chile.

-Really? Talk faster.

-[Mercer] The ABC Deli

was the distribution network

for the cocaine,

but since we busted them,

they have no way to move the coke.

My hunch is that

they are in disarray

looking for new distribution.

That's our chance.

We're gonna nail these f*ck.

You gotta slow play this.

This could be my second book.

Did I tell you,

I got a two-book deal?

January 6th was

bad for democracy

but very good for me.

We won't strike until

you have something solid.

You gotta get on the inside,

like I did with the Lads.

I was best man at one

of their weddings.

I f*cked a bridesmaid.

-[scoffs]

-Dated her for three months.

Chelsea.

Alright.

You, you got everything, right?

I think I might yeah

Most of it.

-We got some of it.

-[Mir] Mm.

Why, why? You guys

gonna quiz us?

Also, where the hell are we?

You're at a secret location.

This is the temporary

meeting place

for the Dark DarCo board.

Excuse me, did you

say Dark DarCo?

[Ahmad] The dark side

of the business.

The only thing that

actually makes us money.

The board just couldn't

decide on a leader,

so we had the idea

to nominate both of you.

Uh, okay, well,

what would we have to do?

This. This. This.

Everything that your father did.

It is run the business.

It is call the shots.

It's move the coke,

with our help, of course.

Look, Dark DarCo runs like

every other business, right?

Without a clear leader,

it's just going

to descend into civil w*r,

and whoever's left alive

is just going to get k*lled by the cartel.

[Ahmad] And believe me,

they will reserve

an especially brutal death

for its leader's two sons.

Please, can we just take

a moment to breathe?

Can I have a couple days

just to mull this over

-and then get back to you?

-No.

You, you don't get it.

You were born into this sh*t.

And you lived your lives

like spoiled brats,

but your Baba's not here

to protect you anymore.

[Lucky] But don't worry, pyare.

We're gonna be

handling everything

from behind the scenes.

Just think of Ahmad and I

as your trusted consiglieres.

Oh, Christ, Robert Duvall

in The Godfather.

-Oh, not Fredo.

-Not Fredo.

-f*ck!

-[Raj] Ha!

[Ahmad] Now what we have

to do is convince

those bloodthirsty

animals out there

that you two idiots

aren't two idiots.

Go, go, go, go, go.

[tense music playing]

They look okay, I guess.

I don't know.

The tall one has kind of a dumb face.

The little one always had

an annoying voice, I remember.

-Hi, guys.

-Yes, that's it [in foreign language]

Gentlemen, I present

to you Raj and Mir Dar,

sons of Baba Dar.

Go on, sit.

-Okay.

-Uh, I just wanna introduce you

to our esteemed board

of Maaliks.

That is Feraz Khan,

Maalik of Compliance.

He blackmails the

variance officials

that gatekeep our business.

In Pakistan, I was

Minister of Energy.

-Okay.

-Cool.

[Lucky]

Ali Sahir, Maalik of Distro.

He interfaces with all our

brick and mortar fronts.

He once m*rder*d a guy's face

with a brick on Front Street.

Please, can you use

a coaster on this table?

It's an antique.

Dawar Omar,

Maalik of Sanitation.

He launders all our money.

You also own a

laundromat-themed bar, right?

We have standup shows

on Thursdays.

-Awesome.

-[Lucky] Very nice, very nice.

And that is Hassan Ali.

He is the Maalik

of Communication.

He ensures the public perceive

all our sham businesses

as legitimate.

Got his start as a model.

I'm very skeptical

that either one of you will survive this.

-Okay.

-[Raj clears throat]

And that seat should be occupied

by one named Hamza,

who is the Maalik of

Import and Transportation.

And no one knows where he is.

[all muttering]

Yeah, we're all very

concerned, so

And I, of course,

am Chief Financial Maalik

and Lucky is

Chief Operating Maalik,

otherwise known

as Baba's Right-Hand Man

or, uh, Left-Hand Kiss a*s.

[chuckling]

Six of one.

Esteemed colleagues,

we nominate Raj and Mir Dar

to be the new co-heads

of our business.

Are you boys man enough

to take your father's place?

-[Mir stammers]

-[Lucky] Well, there's two of them.

So even if they're half

the man Baba was,

that's still enough.

Yeah, barely.

We're not looking

for half a man.

Oh, uh, hello, everyone.

I'm Mir Dar.

A little about me.

I am a detail-oriented leader

with extensive knowledge

of global economics,

domestic interest rates,

and team-building exercises.

-Some of my special interests are

-Okay, very good.

-Raj.

-Oh, me?

-Yeah.

-Uh, hey, I'm Raj.

Uh, I'm, uh, basically

a clone of Baba.

Uh, I-I love capitalism.

Uh, greed is good.

It's my thing, you know?

Shabash, shabash, sit.

-I did good?

-Very good.

-Yeah, okay.

-How do we know they won't f*ck up

and land us all in jail?

I promise you that

they can do it.

I personally guarantee it.

[Maaliks whispering]

Okay, these two [in foreign language]

can be Co-Chief Saab,

but only for a

probationary period.

If we're not satisfied

by the end of it,

we harvest their organs,

cover our losses.

Yeah, that's cool.

Works for me.

-What?

-What?

All in favor of Raj and Mir Dar

as interim CEOs, say hanjee.

[Maaliks] Hanjee.

[Lucky] I now pronounce you

Co-Chief Saabs.

[all applauding]

-[Raj] Thank you.

-Mubarak, m*therf*ckers.

[Dawar Omar] Let's go, b*tches.

[upbeat music playing]

[Raj/Mir laughing]

My humblest of greetings

-to the new Chief Saabs.

-Hey!

-Hey, man!

-Thank you.

Your chai.

-Just go home.

-I can stay.

Do whatever you need.

Sleep here if you want.

Just go home, Matthew.

-Let's talk upstairs.

-No.

-[lamp shatters]

-[all grunting]

[screaming]

Basement. Bottle of scotch

I need to hit.

Make you a stiff one?

[Raj sighs]

-[Ahmad] Here.

-[snaps fingers]

I could use one of those.

Yeah, be my guest.

Get it yourself.

Okay, first order of business,

find a new way

to distribute Caca Brand Achar.

And fatafat.

Okay, but who wants

smelly-a*s achar?

You can't just sell it

at a regular grocery store.

Can't we just sell

it out of here?

We can't sell it out of here.

We process the drugs

out of the basement.

I don't want corner boys

going in and out.

You know, we're so desperate,

we might have to risk it.

Absolutely not, too dangerous.

Okay, then let's run up

a list of gas stations

and grocery stores

in South Philly run by Pakistanis.

Wait, why don't we do it

through an Indian restaurant?

I mean, they go through

so much achar, it wouldn't be suspicious.

And most of them are

takeout only,

so there's never any

customers anyway.

Yeah, like that one place,

uh, uh, Pakora Palace

-on Fontaine Street.

-On Fontaine Street, yeah.

A small local chain.

Obviously not as big as ABC Deli

but we can start small.

I say we do an

Indian restaurant.

-[spits]

-Ugh!

-We don't work with Indians.

-[Lucky groans]

They'll rob us blind

like they did during Partition.

-Oh, my God!

-Oh, my God!

-Holy sh*t.

-Ahmad Uncle.

r*cist, old-world thinking, man.

This is America,

leave that sh*t outta here.

Yeah, grow up, man.

Okay, don't hate on

my idea or Indians.

Why don't you tell that

to your great grandmother?

Oh, wait, you can't,

because the Indians k*lled her.

Joke's on you, man.

Dadi died in America

from nursing home neglect.

Yeah, never thought

we would go down this route

but now may not be

a bad time for this.

You know what?

I vote for Mir's idea.

And I gotta say,

I also vote for Mir's idea.

And need I remind you all,

I have a business degree

from Drexel

Chup. I-I really

can't hear about

how smart you are again.

Okay, let's give

this idea a shot.

[Ahmad] A waste of f*cking time.

[footsteps clomping]

Mir's gonna come with us.

I need you to stay here

and get rid of the body

while Ahmad is out of the deli.

Quick question.

Uh, why did you k*ll that guy?

He and Ahmad

were attempting a coup

and if they had won,

they would've eliminated

both of you immediately.

-I shouldn't have asked.

-Don't worry.

I already called the Murderwalla

to handle the body.

-[footsteps clomping]

-Murderwalla?

[quiet traffic noise]

[soft sitar music plays

in restaurant]

[Ahmad sniffs]

Stinks in here.

[Lucky] Shut up.

It smells exactly

like your kitchen, Ahmad.

Laddoos look decent.

Hello?

Excuse me, hello.

-[Ahmad clears throat]

-Excuse me.

Hi Excuse me.

Hi, are you open?

Mom, Dad,

we have customers or whatever.

[mom] We have customers.

Ring them up.

Nandika, you can do

your Pokémon dress-up at home.

It's Princess Mononoke.

-Uh, sorry to interrupt. I

-Ugh. God, I hate this place.

We all do.

Let me handle this, bevakoof.

-Hello.

-Namaste, ji.

Namaste, ji.

Would you like to try something

from our mithai case?

No, we're not here to eat.

We are the proprietors

of Caca Brand Achar.

-And

-Do you mind, please?

[whispering] Maybe let me take

the lead on this one.

Yep.

[normal] Good afternoon.

My name is Mir Dar, and we are

a family-run business

just like yourself.

We make the best achar

in all of America.

Yeah, go ahead, give it a taste.

Listen, if your kid

doesn't get bullied

by the white children

in their class

when they pull that

out of their lunch box,

-it's not Caca Brand Achar.

-[Lucky chuckles]

And the best part,

it's only $100 per pallet.

That's less than half

of what we currently pay.

-What's the catch?

-No catch.

No catch. There will be

30 marked jars

for our VIP customers.

You just need to set

those aside every Friday.

Yeah, not even a big deal.

Do you think we're stupid?

-No.

-Yeah.

This is clearly ill*gal.

If you want us to

move your smack

-It's blow, not smack.

-I knew it.

We want 50% of your drug money.

Fifty! We can't do more than 10.

[scoffs] We're not going to

risk jail for 10%.

We need to secure our future

for ourselves and our daughter.

We're clearly going

to be providing

for her for the

rest of her life.

Comic-Con influencers

make millions.

[sighs] See what I'm

dealing with?

She has no future.

-We want 50.

-Okay, we can talk about this.

-We can

-You see, Mir?

You can't deal with Indians.

When you shake their hand,

they rob you with

the other seven.

-Oh, my God.

-[Dadaji] What?

You Pakistani pieces of sh*t.

I'll send you to

your 72 virgins!

-Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

-Whoa!

Everyone stop using numbers

to be r*cist!

Dadaji, quit it with

the Islamophobia.

-Go into the kitchen.

-[grunts]

-Now.

-[Ahmad] Oh, f*ck this.

I'll go back to the deli.

I gave peace a f*cking chance.

-That

-I am so sorry.

-That is not who we are.

-Mm-mm.

[doorbell chimes]

[door opens]

[mysterious music playing]

Raj Dar?

Yeah?

Lucky called me.

-Oh, Murderwalla.

-Hmm.

Huh. Not what I was expecting

for a professional

corpse disposer.

Well, if I was,

I wouldn't be very good

at my job, would I?

Good point.

Where's the body?

Body's upstairs.

Uh, I'm gonna be

doing some dabs,

watching Dragon Ball Z,

hopefully I fall asleep.

Nope.

You're going to help me.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

I-I don't know if

you're aware or not,

but I've recently been named

Co-Chief Saab with

my brother, so

Perfect. Then you won't

have any trouble

handling this company business.

Put that on.

What the hell?

We are going to work

in the basement.

[doo-wop R&B music playing]

Paddington vibes?

Aw, man.

-[cleaver thudding]

-[Raj grunting]

Ugh!

Oh, God, that smells

f*cking awful.

That's why I always

wear Drakkar Noir.

Nothing covers the stench

of rotting flesh

like Drakkar Noir.

No, I'd rather smell

the body, man.

[Murderwalla sighs]

Okay, can I go?

You know, you are nothing

like your Baba.

Yeah. Hard worker.

Not afraid to get

his hands dirty.

He would never rely

on a guy like you.

One time, I became disillusioned

with my career.

I was like, "This job

is f*cking gross, man."

But your Baba told me

to take pride in hard work.

Mir is the hard worker

of the family.

I'm more of the vibes guy.

Accha.

And what does the vibes guy do?

I'm kind of like a Rick Rubin.

Where I don't actually

produce anything

but having me around is a vibe,

and it just makes sh*t better.

So, nothing?

You let your brother

do all the hard work,

your family's in crisis.

[clicks tongue] Shame on you.

-[plastic rustling]

-[doorbell chimes]

-[knocking on door]

-Get rid of whoever that is.

Oh, and then hurry back

and we'll do the best part,

the thorax.

Can't wait.

-[knocking on door continues]

-Ugh, disgusting.

-Prairie, wh-what are you doing

-Hi, baby.

Oh. Oh, my God,

the ayahuasca ceremony.

I completely forgot.

I'm trying to make us

some money, baby.

You said you'd pick up

the extra puke buckets.

I'm sorry.

I-I-I gotta bail.

I have to work.

I've never heard you say

the word "work" before.

I feel dizzy.

[phone chimes]

Uh

[quietly] f*ck me.

[spray hisses]

[texts blooping]

I gotta go.

Ahmad Uncle's on his way.

I must abscond.

-What about this?

-I've done all that I can for you.

If Ahmad sees me,

the secret's out.

Everyone knows the Murderwalla.

Say hi to Lucky for me.

[doorbell chimes]

-[Ahmad] Hello?

-Uh, Ahmad Uncle.

Uh, just a sec. I, uh

[Ahmad] What are you doing

down there?

Uh, I just came down

to, uh, masturbate.

[Ahmad] Oh, um, attaboy.

-11%.

-12.5.

She's stuck at 50.

This is not going anywhere.

-Get out of my store.

-Okay, okay, okay.

What about 20%?

That's more than we even make, lady.

I said get out, bhenchod!

You f*cking stop

this negotiating bullshit!

-How about this for a counter?

-[g*n clicks]

Do as I say or I paint the wall

with your husband's brains.

Oh, you wanna k*ll me?

You think I'm afraid of death?

My wife is a shrew,

my restaurants are in debt,

and my daughter thinks

she's a cartoon.

I'm already dead.

Do it. Do it!

[panting]

Ahmad Uncle.

-Hey.

-Hey.

[sniffing] Is that, uh,

is that Drakkar Noir?

Uh, yep, I love it.

It's making a comeback

with all the '90s sh*t.

Like nipple rings.

-Yeah. Yeah.

-[doorbell chimes]

How'd it go at the restaurant?

-[doorbell jingles]

-Lucky Auntie.

What are you doing here?

Where's Mir?

Taking this Chief Saab thing

so seriously.

We need to find a

new distributor fast.

We've already wasted

precious time

with those f*cking lunatics.

-I told you so. f*ck.

-You told me so.

-[Lucky] Goddammit.

-I need to go there.

I'm gonna help him.

Raj, I am not totally sure

how you can help him.

We're in crisis, Lucky Auntie.

I'm a Co-Chief Saab

and a co-brother.

I told you we should've

k*lled them, right?

And I got down on my knees

and I begged my mummy

to let me come to America.

And she slapped my face.

And I went anyway,

and she died two weeks later.

What is the point of that story?

Listen, man,

just accept our terms.

-Talk to your wife, please.

-[door opens]

What up, people?

Hey, what are you doing?

I'm in the middle of a deal right now.

-I'm here to help.

-Whoa, who is that?

Hey, I'm Raj Dar,

Mir's older brother.

Nice Mononoke, by the way.

Uh, oh, um, thank you. [giggles]

My parents think it's Pokémon.

LOL.

Raj, we were just telling

your short brother

that we can't settle

for less than 50%.

We need to provide

a future for our daughter.

If we go any higher,

we're gonna be losing money.

Well, let's talk.

-I

-[Raj] What can I do to make this work?

-Nandika?

-Huh?

Do you find my brother

attractive?

-He's a Philly 10.

-Oh, stop it.

The Dars believe in family.

And if we're making

a business arrangement,

maybe we can make

a family arrangement as well.

Nandika, how would you like

to marry my brother?

What is happening here?

[Mir] My brother will

marry your daughter.

She'll have a financially

secure future,

and we could be one

big happy family.

-What do you say?

-Yes, yes, absolutely.

Dad, tell Mom to say yes.

-Mir, can I talk to you for a second?

-Mm-hmm.

Right over here, come here.

[whispering] What the f*ck?

Mir, yeah, I wanna help, okay?

But even Baba wouldn't

arrange marriage me

off like that.

Okay, please, just do

this for me, man.

It's the only way we can get

the deal done

and not die.

Rawr.

Fine.

I'm gonna get you back.

-Nandika!

-[chuckles]

Of course,

I would love to marry you.

Maybe after, like,

a ten-year-long engagement.

-Okay. [giggles]

-[Dadaji] What?

My granddaughter marrying

a Muslim!

-Who's that guy?

-I won't allow it!

But I love him!

Mom! Mom, please.

We will not let this

old-world thinking stand in our way.

You have my blessing.

-Yes!

-Six-month engagement.

-Six years.

-Three years.

-Five.

-Three.

Four with a massive wedding

with horses, a mithai tower,

and the works.

-Done!

-Yes.

-[hands slap]

-[Mir] Thank you so much.

-You won't be disappointed.

-Oh! [chuckles]

Nice to meet you.

[whispering] I'm into

some really freaky sh*t.

-Oh.

-I'm into some really freaky

off-the-grid sh*t.

Alright, loves, I do have

another session coming in 15 minutes,

so it's time to

reenter this realm

and maybe help me out

by emptying

your own puke buckets

into the toilet.

-Thank you, be blessed.

-[patron] Thank you.

Be blessed.

Oh, my God, Prairie, that was

the most amazing journey.

-Mm.

-I'm just confused about payment.

Wait, you don't need cash?

You have Blue Shield, right?

Your insurance covers it.

It's billed as physical therapy.

-Amazing.

-Mm-hmm.

Wait, but is all this legal?

The only laws of the universe

are set by the cosmos.

The Federal government disagrees.

Francis Mercer, FBI.

We have you on insurance fraud

and trafficking narcotics.

That's a minimum 10-year sentence.

Oh, my God.

Wait, did you just pretend to puke

several times

just to bust me?

That's correct.

Okay, I can't go to jail, so

Well, Prairie,

the FBI might look the other way on this

if you help us get some information.

What kind of information?

About your boyfriend

and his family.

[liquid sloshing]

How much cocaine do you think

we can get in a piñata?

[doorbell jingles]

I am so, so sorry, guys.

We really blew it this time.

-Psych!

-Heyo!

-Mir closed the deal.

-[both laughing]

[Lucky cheering]

[Lucky speaking foreign language]

How did it happen?

You know, I've been practicing

my whole life

to take over Baba's business

and I guess I kinda did.

-And I kinda helped.

-[Lucky gasps]

Yeah, Raj agreed to marry

that weird anime girl,

sight unseen, so that

pushed them over the edge.

Hold on, are you

actually gonna marry her?

I don't know.

That's future Raj's problem, like AI.

Chalo, let's get the

show on the road.

Ahmad, where's the pallet?

[laughing] How the

hell would I know?

That's Hamza's department.

[intense percussion

music playing]

-[rattling]

-Lift the gate.

[gate rattling]

[Raj] Um, where are the drugs?

[footsteps clomping]

f*ck, sh*t!

["To the Bank" by

Alo Wala playing]

A E I O U ♪

And sometimes Y ♪

And sometimes Y ♪

A E I O U ♪

Agendas innuendos ♪

That's how the end us

don't you think ♪

Agendas innuendos ♪

That's how we running

to the bank ♪

To the bank

to the bank ♪

To the bank to the bank ♪

To the bank

to the bank ♪

To the bank to the bank ♪

Hey, you there

with the Superman tee ♪

Tell me why the dog

tastes salty ♪

I know you got the looks

you better ping me ♪

Me, I'll be sipping

on my chai tea ♪

Hey, you there

with the Superman tee ♪

Tell me why the dog

tastes salty ♪

I know you got the looks

you better ping me ♪

Me, I'll be sipping

on my chai tea ♪

On my chai tea ♪

On my chai tea ♪

On my chai tea ♪

[song ends]

[fanfare playing]

[fanfare playing]