(THUNDER CLAPPING)
(WOLF HOWLING IN DISTANCE)
Do you think this is the same
guy who's been cutting off
off all the other hands?
Yeah, Clark.
I think it's the same f*cking
guy.
Jesus Christ.
That makes sense.
Hey, how many hands
you found?
It's five this week.
(CAMERA CLICKING)
That's at least three people.
MAN 1:
All right.
Tag 'em and bag 'em, boys.
Cut a right or a left?
-CLARK: What the hand?
-MAN 1: No, the foot.
()
I'm so iconoclastic
I'm clastic
I only want you to think I'm
fantastic
I'll participate in what you
believe
-Gotcha!
-(BOY GROANS)
Oh!
Fukin' tager!
Give me your f*ck' hands!
b*tch!
(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER
IN BACKGROUND)
(MAN WHISTLES)
Hey, you ever try X before,
mate?
Mate?
I got blue Pikachus,
red Pikachus, pink Shreks.
I'm-- I'm good, man.
MAN 2:
It's ridonculous.
I'm good.
MAN 2:
Straight fine, bruv, criminal.
I'm good.
()
(SNIFFLES)
It's hot as f*ck, huh, papa?
(TRAIN HONKING)
You f*ck with anime?
So my buddy's sister, right,
she needs some headphones.
She's got some tig ol' bitties,
ha-ha.
I'd be taggin' hella highway
signs, bombin' 'em.
Got the fat caps danglin' upside
down.
sh*t was dangerous, dog!
You ever do anything dangerous
like that?
No.
Hey, yo.
It's almost 1:00.
You sure you good?
(CRUNCHING)
MAN 2:
White King Dongs,
some tan King Dongs,
some Purple Simpsons.
Damn, dog, that's pretty dope.
You seem talented, man.
Bro, just stop.
Please.
Have you ever seen Steve Irwin's
daughter, bro?
Yeah, back when I was living in
Melbourne,
we used to bump nonnies
all the time.
Some crazy sh*t.
(SIGHS)
I miss that sh*t, dog.
Steve Irwin, man.
Such a tragedy.
Such a fine a*s daughter,
though, too, dog.
I would k*ll to hit that.
Premeditated m*rder.
Criminal offenses.
Right.
Steve Irwin.
Hey, you ever seen a picture of
her?
My baby girl,
Steve Irwin's fine a*s daughter
and everything?
I have not.
sh*t. Check this out.
Don't c*m.
-Word.
-Beautiful, right?
Molto bene bella.
(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER
IN BACKGROUND)
Right?
(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER
IN BACKGROUND)
WOMAN 1: (ON PA SYSTEM)
William Stewart.
Hey, it's Billy!
b*tch.
WOMAN 1: (ON PA SYSTEM)
Uh, come up here
and speak to me please.
You're next.
BILLY:
Let's go, little worm.
sh*t.
()
(INSECT BUZZING)
Once again, they try me,
but what they can't do is keep
a king down!
Hey, it's too damn hot
in here to be talkin'
all that damn noise.
Naw, man.
Naw, man.
So I rack, like, $400 worth of
sh*t
and they wanna give me two years
minimum, dog!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER
IN BACKGROUND)
What the f*ck?
How the f*ck does $400 equal
two years minimum in jail, bro?
That's f*cked up!
-What are you doing, young man?
-BILLY: No.
Well, let me see
what's in that bag.
What the hell?
-Shut the f*ck up!
-Yeah.
Hope you get your d*ck bit off
by the same shark
that k*lled Steve Irwin.
Jesus f*cking Christ.
He actually got k*lled
by a stingray
so it's pretty f*cked up
that you say that.
Y'all are g*y.
WOMAN 1: (ON PA SYSTEM)
Raphael Tinsky.
Raphael?
-Yeah.
-WOMAN 1: Okay.
WOMAN 1:
Um, let's see.
Looks like you are enrolled at
Pfresno Community College.
Good.
Judge Turner will like that.
So, um, all you've got to do
is plead guilty.
He'll slap your wrist
and give you 50 hours or so
of community service.
-Sound okay?
-Wait, really, that's it?
Thank-- thank you.
You know, I usually don't make
things like this personal,
but that telephone booth
is a city landmark.
I hope you've learned your
lesson, Raphael Tinsky.
Definitely.
So no weed charges?
Were you caught with drugs?
No.
No.
I was just curious.
Well, look, maybe you can keep
the art projects to
the sketchbook
and canvas from now on.
Please grow up, Raphael.
()
Those tire tracks
Zigzag your torso like a
devil's self-portrait
The car accident,
the skin graft treatment
The flower baskets,
the wincing relatives
You bid her farewell,
then you got in your car
And that's the last thing
that you can recall
And when they pulled you out,
you didn't know your name
Explodin' semi-truck,
blurred your face with flame
You met Jane four years ago
today
Dancing at some vomit-stained
frat party
Her newspaper gown,
her flashing headline brown
Her violent gypsy dance,
her tired underpants
Love, love, love, love,
love, love, love, love
Love, love, love, love,
love, love, love, love
Rhymes with pity now
Love, love, love, love,
love, love, love, love
Love, love, love, love,
love, love, love, love
Rhymes with sympathy now
And Jane let you touch her
and feel her
And she was so free
like a pineapple in a tree but
You said it's dangerous
to be so intimate
You know it's dangerous,
dangerous, dangerous
And Jane said when she laid on
her back
The sun hit her body
like an ugly landscape but
Well, some things
never get better
Like used cars
and bad livers
WOMAN 2:
You got this.
You got it. Come on.
(WOMAN CRYING)
WOMAN 2:
(INDISTINCT SPEECH)
-(WOMAN CRYING)
-(INDISTINCT SPEECH)
Raphael, you are
so deeply f*cked, young man!
RAPHAEL:
What the hell is goin' on?
Why is that cop here?
WOMAN 3:
Drugs?
Your second misdemeanor.
Graffiti?
OFFICER WILLIAMS:
Listen, Raphael, if I were you,
I would just have a seat
and shut up.
Mom.
Mom,
can you please listen to me?
I made a mistake I guess,
but I just got community service
and I'm going!
To move into your cousin Mateo's
house immediately.
It's okay (INDISTINCT SPEECH)
All right. You're good.
OFFICER WILLIAMS:
Do you see what you've done to
your poor f*ck' mother?
(SOBS)
OFFICER WILLIAMS:
All right, Raphael.
I'm sure it's fun
writin' your name on walls
and that phone booth that's
very, very special to Pfresno.
But your mother here has told me
all about you
and how much of a great artist
you really are.
-It's hit or miss.
-OFFICER WILLIAMS: Yeah.
Hmm.
It's not bad, but not good.
That's something.
RAPHAEL:
Anyway.
Can someone please explain to me
exactly what's going on?
Let me explain it to you real
clear.
Mateo is moving kilos
of narcotics out of his house.
Excuse me, his trap house.
So I need you to go
live with him
and report all that sh*t
back to me.
(PUFFS SMOKE)
Only good cop is a dead cop.
(COP WHIMPERING)
(FIRE CRACKLING,
COP YELLING)
Because if you do that,
all this is gonna go away.
That misdemeanor's gonna get
expunged.
The next time you get in
trouble, because you will,
you're gonna have a cop to call.
Me.
I'm not a f*cking rat.
(SIGHS)
All right.
(GULPS)
I'm not supposed to tell
y'all this, but I'm gonna.
(SIGHS)
Mateo is under investigation by
the FBI.
We have reason to believe that
he's selling plutonium warheads
to Osama.
Osama!
And I'm talkin', like,
whole state of Texas gone.
Bullshit.
You call bullshit on me
one more time,
you f*cking punk.
Oh no,
I read about it in the blogs.
They're selling plutonium
on the black market.
-Blogs?
-I read it on Drudge.
OFFICER WILLIAMS:
Stand up.
We need you, Raphael.
The state of Texas depends on
you.
RAPHAEL:
Mom, can I just talk to you for
a second?
Mom,
how can you believe this woman?
She's insane.
And-- and if Mateo is so
dangerous,
doesn't this seem like
potentially a bad idea?
Honey, he loves you.
You're family.
Mateo would never hurt you, you
know that.
Right.
Family.
Yeah.
Look, just do whatever
the lovely
officer Williams says.
And if you ever feel like you're
in danger,
I'm only a phone call away.
So this is just how it's gonna
be?
Yes, your bags are packed.
I'm driving you to his house.
()
It's amazing
what you'll find
When you just open your eyes
Sometimes love can
eave you blind
Damn.
(KNOCKS)
MAN 3:
Raphi!
Come on in, my boy!
Oh, good to see you.
God damn.
Gimme a hug, man.
Oh, sh*t, man.
You got so big.
Don't worry,
you're good here, man.
Your mom told me what happened.
Said you got locked up.
Big bad graffiti man
spent the night
in the drunk tank, huh?
First time?
-RAPHAEL: No, second.
-Oh, all right. All right.
Don't worry, we don't gotta talk
about that sh*t right now.
RAPHAEL:
Yeah, well, um, actually, bro,
there's-- there's somethin'
I gotta talk to you about.
MAN 3:
All right, cuzzo. No sweat.
No sweat. We got time to talk.
Yeah.
House looks good, by the way.
God damn, that's a lot of pink.
MAN 3:
Oh, you like that?
Yeah. Yeah, me, too, man.
Me, too.
I actually got a lot of kickback
for painting my sh*t pink.
They even banned
that shade of pink in town, man.
A brother can't even touch my
sh*t up
without drivin' 100 miles.
They banned the color pink?
Well, that shade of pink,
you know?
CROWD: (CHANTING)
Paint it white!
Paint it white!
The thing is I keep it low key.
I keep it real chill.
But everybody around here be up
in my m*therf*cking business,
man.
You know what it is, Raphi? It's
bullshit.
That's what it is.
Man, these paninis
are crazy fire, man.
Nester, get your g*dd*mn dirty
a*s fingernails off my sh*t.
I told you it was for Raphi,
damn it!
I'm taking my weed.
MAN 3:
Take your weed!
I got my own sh*t!
The f*ck, man.
Are you hungry?
Yeah. Yeah, definitely.
Hey, who...
Who...
Who was that, though?
Man, that's Nester the Pester.
He's been here for years.
If you ever visited,
you know.
Anyway, he got squatter rights
so we technically can't kick his
a*s out,
and that's been a whole b*tch,
but dude owes me
so much f*cking money, too.
-Seems unfair.
-MAMN 3: It is.
MAN 3:
But you know the type.
Rich kid, they gotta prove
he ain't a rich kid
so he go around town terrorizin'
sh*t.
But you different though, Raphi.
You an artist.
RAPHAEL:
I guess so.
MAN:
You'll get to know him.
Believe me.
Lemme make you some lunch.
()
MAN 3:
Do you prefer honey roasted or
regular?
Huh?
The chicken, bro.
Do you prefer honey roasted or
regular?
Um, regular's fine.
All right, with your basic a*s.
Hey, you want apple slices, too,
right?
Uh, yeah. Yeah, sure.
MAN 3:
Mm-hmm.
Hey, I forgot how you feel about
stilton?
RAPHAEL:
About what?
Stilton cheese, man!
You ain't never had stilton?
That stanky stanky blue, blue?
Yeah, whatever you got.
You said there was something you
wanted to talk about?
RAPHAEL:
Yeah.
(RAPHAEL CLEARS THROAT)
RAPHAEL:
I'm, uh... (CHUCKLES)
I'm actually, um...
I'm actually kind of
freakin' out about it, man.
Um, so listen, the only reason
I'm staying with you
is because this psycho pig who
arrested me, um,
she thinks that you're in
possession of nukes
and are planning to blow up
Texas.
We are about this close
to being completely wiped off
the face of the planet.
MAN 3:
Man.
Officer Williams crazy a*s
done had it out for me
since she caught me smellin'
like weed in high school.
(MAN SCOFFS)
Hey, you know, she got her a*s
f*ck' fired
from being
my high school appointed cop
for swingin' on
some freshman girl twice.
Anyway.
I ain't the one under
investigation here.
This hood's full of perverts.
-Perverts?
-MAN 3: Yeah.
Damn.
(DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE)
NESTER:
That fukcin' dog.
Come on, man.
(DOG BARKING)
(SIZZLING)
For you, my sire.
The Duke of Sandwich has
blessed our Catholic souls
once again with the finest
of bread, cheese,
and locally-farmed chicken.
Your panini is served.
()scrunches
Well?
Oh my f*cking God.
Bro, it's the best sandwich I've
ever had in my f*cking life.
How the f*ck do you make that?
MAN 3:
Hey, man,
don't worry about that cop, bro.
I knew you never rat on me.
I figured something was up when
Aunt Linda wacky a*s called.
(SMACKS LIPS)
But anyways, I appreciate you
bein' up front, man.
But look, you good with stayin'
on the couch?
All the rooms ocupado right now.
Yeah, for sure.
Hey, look, I want you to
finish that 'nino,
and when you're done with that,
come round back.
I want you to meet my new son,
Larry.
-Yeah?
-Cool.
All right.
()
(LICKS, SCRUNCHES)
MAN 3:
Larry, you want melon?
You want melon?
It's your boy.
Damn.
I've never seen a pet pig
before.
-MAN 3: Yeah.
-RAPHAEL: It's adorable.
Larry, this is Raphi.
Raphi, this is La--
Nester, this is my cousin Raphi,
be chill.
Raphi, this is Nester.
You cool, man?
You rich or somethin'?
Man, chill the f*ck out before I
sick Larry
on your b*tch a*s.
-Ain't that right?
-Relax, man.
Hey, I'm a real chill,
cool guy and everything.
For real, though.
(LARRY GRUNTING)
Anyway.
(THUD)
Damn, he sure loves Melon.
Mm-hmm.
-Melon good, man.
-Mmm. Good, good.
Anyway, Raphi gonna be staying
with us for a couple weeks, man.
He got caught taggin' down town,
so his folks kicked him out the
crib.
Where's he gonna stay,
Jay's room?
-Who is Jay?
-Jay's our old roommate.
He's in and out the big house a
lot
so, um, we ain't seein him in a
few weeks,
but he'll be back.
But no, he'll be stayin'
on the couch.
Where am I supposed to watch TV
and conduct my business, man?
Preferably not in this house.
Ideally not at all.
You lucky I ain't a violent man,
Nester.
You lucky I love you.
(CHUCKLES)
Yeah, Larry. Daredevil.
Look at him.
()
(SHOPKEEPER'S BELL RINGS)
Williams?
Williams,
where the hell have you been?
Okay, we need to start seating
some tables.
-I just got here.
-We're backin' up.
-All right?
-Yeah, go. Move.
Hi!
We'd like a booth, please.
You betcha.
I love booth.
Mm, yeah, I bet you do.
-Williams!
-Have fun, y'all.
I love booth.
You need to watch your tone
with me, Williams.
Okay?
I'm not gonna tell you again.
This isn't the f*ck' force.
This is the Salted Putter, home
of the chocolate butter.
You're on my turf, got it?
Suck a foot, Janet.
I'm takin' five.
You see this?
b*tch,
do you know how many times
you have to be demoted
to get the f*cking Salted
Putter?
Okay.
Enjoy, y'all. (CHUCKLES)
(INHALES)
Okay.
(CLICK)
(PLOP)
f*ck!
(GROANS)
(WATER SPLASHES)
(SCREAMS)
(SPLAT)
Got it!
Got it! Sh...
f*cking sh*t,
I got that m*therf*cker.
(TOILET FLUSHING IN BACKGROUND)
(BONES CRACK)
Ugh.
f*ck me.
WOMAN 4:
Excuse me.
Can I help you?
Do you work here?
Sometimes. Yeah.
but I am an officer of the law.
If you couldn't see that.
Anyway, if you work here,
you should wash your hands,
especially after taking such a
disgusting sh*t.
That's so gross, dude!
(LOCK CLINKS)
Tell me, do you like the taste
of purple?
CROWD: (CHANTING)
k*ll his mom!
k*ll his mom!
You ain't sh*t without your
badge.
(SCOFFS)
(SCOFFS)
I am an Olympian, b*tch.
You wanna go? Let's go.
-OFFICER WILLIAMS: Yeah.
-WOMAN 4: Yeah.
With a f*cking cop?
(GRUNTING)
(GROANS)
(GLASS SHATTERS)
(SCREAMS)
(THUDS)
(GRUNTS)
Oh, you Olympic c**t!
(GRUNTING)
(SCREAMING)
Oh!
(YELLS)
(SCREAMS)
-(g*nshots)
-(BOTH GRUNTING)
(OFFICER WILLIAMS
AND WOMAN SCREAMING)
(g*nsh*t)
(BOTH GRUNTIN)
(OFFICER WILLIAMS YELLING)
-WOMAN 4:
Holy sh*t!
f*ck you, c**t!
(THUD)
Like I said, you're nothing
without your badge.
(SPITS)
(OFFICER WILLIAMSGROANS)
(FOOTFALLS)
WOMAN 4:
b*tch.
(DOOR OPENS)
JANET:
f*ck.
(GASPS)
She got mad because I
wouldn't wash my f*cking hands,
that ugly a*s b*tch!
Jesus Christ, Williams!
Why didn't you
just wash your hands?
That's gross!
My hands, my rules!
(OFFICER WILLIAMS YELLS)
No, Williams.
Actually,
everyone who works here
has to wash their hands.
Read the sign!
Oh, Janet.
JANET:
You f*cked up, again!
Janet, Janet, Janet,
Janet, Janet, Janet.
(SIGHS)
Why don't you
just invoice Pfresno PD
one more f*cking time, huh?
Get the f*ck out of the Putter.
And clean yourself off.
(SHRIEKS)
c**t.
Ugh!
Da, da, da,
da ra da da da da ra da
WOMAN 5:
Lord Jesus,
please let today be the day
that c**t Beth Stewart from
Channel 7 gets hit
by a f*cking bus.
Paul, honey, what could possibly
be taking you so long?
I'm in the zone.
You know, I need to
get going when I'm in the zone.
Sorry. Sorry, honey bear.
Jesus, Paul,
get your sh*t together.
Do you really think Channel 7's
even gonna
think about hiring you
if this is how you handle my
equipment?
I'm sorry you yelled and I
just--
I scampered in here as quickly
as I could.
But you know what I was
thinking'
You know,
I'm okay if Channel 7
doesn't wanna hire me
as long as they wanna hire you.
So you're just gonna abandon me?
What? What?
Honey, look at me.
We're here now.
I'm with you. This is me.
All right? This is the dream.
We're in it. Okay?
I can't wait to achieve
our Channel 7 dreams.
Good.
Now bump me, king.
Okay, okay, here we go.
Oh, man.
(PAUL GRUNTS)
All right. You ready?
-Here comes the snowman.
-(EXHALES, INHALES)
f*ck yeah. In to my happy place.
-WOMAN 5: Paul, nose check!
-Oh, clean as a whistle, honey.
How are the girls? Headlights
on?
Oh, like a couple porcelain
bunnies rubbin'
against each other in a bubble
bath.
Oh! Oh!
(BLOWS A RASPBERRY)
Um, uh, uh, action.
A normal suburban neighborhood
with normal suburban people
living their normal suburban
lives.
Or so we thought.
When a plumber van mysteriously
shows up
without any plumbers in tow,
the residents begin to wonder,
who is it watching them
discretely from the shadows?
CIA? The TSA? ICE?
The FBI even!
f*ck.
I stand here today in a normal
Puh-resno cul-de-sac
not dissimilar from yours to
tell you that inside
that seemingly
pleasant suburban home
might lay a drug dealer,
a m*rder*r, a r*pist.
How do you really ever know
you're safe?
The answer,
America, is you don't.
I'm Shay Burrata with yet
another groundbreaking story.
See you next time, Texas.
(CLICKS TONGUE)
(expl*si*n)
Oh!
(SHAY LAUGHS, SHRIEKS)
Wooh.
Honey, it's amazing!
That was a work of art!
I told you, honey bear,
when I'm in the zone,
I'm in the zone!
You are the zone.
honey, you not in the zone,
you are the zone!
Ow, you got me again!
-PAUL: It's good-- my goodness.
-SHAY: Ow!
Oh, what-- what are you doing?
What're you do--
Oh, look at you dancin'
Uh, just danc-- oh my gosh!
Boom, boom, boom, bam, boom,
bam, bam, bam, boom
Giving that gift away, honey.
It's amazing.
I just had one--
Uh, just one thing.
God dammit, what?
Yeah, I-- I think maybe, uh,
instead of Pfresno,
you said Puh-fresno.
I-- but I mean, I don't think
anybody will notice that.
You know, you doin' so much cool
stuff.
Well, you noticed,
so why wouldn't they?
We'll do a pickup.
Just punch in.
-Get a different angle.
-PAUL: A pickup punch in. Okay.
PAUL:
That's airtight logic, honey.
-You are--
-SHAY: God damn.
A true professional.
And it's honor
to be your camera person.
Uh, action.
I stand here today in a normal
Puh-fresno cul-de-sac
just like yours to tell you that
inside that seemingly pleasant
suburban home
might lay a drug dealer,
a m*rder*r, a r*pist.
Okay, cool. Did we get it?
(SMACKS LIPS)
SHAY:
I wanna hear a yes.
These g*dd*mn ambulance chasers
just might f*ck this up
for us and the entire world,
Clark.
Do we need to remove her
entirely?
No, not yet.
She's not capable
of doing much damage.
SHAY:
I'm not hearing a yes, Paul.
Did we get it?
It was great. It was amazing.
I just-- I just think maybe
I might've heard you say
Puh-fresno again.
That's how you pronounce it,
honey.
Puh-fresno.
Oh, I've been sayin' it wrong my
whole life.
Pop up on the P. Pop Up.
Okay, I'll do that.
CLARK:
Gotta admit she's some piece,
though.
What a doll.
Who says that? What? Some pie--
It's 2007, not 1951 Chicago,
buddy.
What the f*ck is some piece?
What the...
Lots of people say that.
That c**t Beth Stewart on
Channel 7 could never.
She is a-- a c**t.
(SHRIEKS)
Now how did he land this broad?
Oh, so you can say broad,
but I can't say piece?
Great.
Now you got me talkin'
like your old a*s.
You older than I am.
Oh, f*ck.
You know what?
A woman like that just wants
a man she can walk all over.
I'd let her walk all over me.
That's for sure.
Oh, for f*ck sake!
God, Look at the a*s on that.
Huh?
(LICKS)
f*cking c**t Beth Stewart,
eat my as*h*le
PAUL:
Berth Stewart. She's a c**t!
She's a c**t b*tch!
She c**t b*tch with no t*ts!
(LAUGHS, SCREAMS)
(PAUL LAUGHS)
PAUL:
I'm gonna k*ll her.
(ZIP LINE WHIRS)
-(g*nshots)
-(b*ll*ts CLINKING)
-Damn! Whoa! Did you see that?
-(RAPHAEL LAUGHS)
-RAPHAEL: I missed it.
-(GRUNTS) That's what you seen.
-That's what you missed.
-RAPHAEL: Oh, f*ck.
MAN 3:
Oh, damn, right.
He split his sh*t.
You see it? Oh my-- ugh!
Oh my God. You see his eye?
Like this.
His sh*t...
-(CHUCKLES)
-Bro.
My God. See ya, buddy. See ya.
Hey, um, what-- what time
I gotta take you
to community service?
Oh sh*t, um,
in like 45 minutes.
Can you still gimme a lift?
Yeah. I got you. I got you.
I got someone coming through
real quick, though.
Pass that sh*t, bro.
You're hoggin' it.
If you got the hog,
then you can hog it.
f*ck is you talking about, man?
(CHUCKLES)
(DOORBELL RINGS)
MAN 3:
Here you go, bro.
(DOOR OPENS)
-MAN 3: Hey!
-MAN 4: Hey, what's good?
MAN 3::
What's good, bro?
You early, you early.
Come on in.
MAN 4:
Well, You know me, you know me.
Oh, what the f*ck was that?
f*ck' Nestor, bro.
God damn.
WOMAN 6:
Yeah.
NESTOR:
What the f*ck did you do with my
parin' knife?
WOMAN 6:
You gotta find it.
(WOMAN YELLING)
Kaboom! You seein' that sh*t?
NESTER:
I hate find the knife.
And you know I suck at that
game, baby.
MAN 4:
And who the f*ck is this?
Oh, this is my cousin Raphi.
Raphi, this is my bro Jeremy.
Come on, man, I told you to call
me Pflophaus.
-Word?
-Yeah.
Oh my bad.
This Pflop. Pflophaus.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
So little cousin,
you like music?
Yeah. Who doesn't like music?
(LAUGHS)
Yeah, you look like
you like music man.
Man, see, music is f*cked up
these days.
Everything soundin' the same and
sh*t.
Hey, bro, let's just give music
a-- a break for once, huh?
Nah, nah, nah, nah.
I'm about to f*ck the game up
for real, though.
Like, you gotta check out my new
music video.
Word?
Yeah, we gonna check it out.
But what you need, man?
Ah, let me put this sh*t on the
TV right quick,
Bro, I'm serious.
I gotta take my cousin to,
um...
(SNAPS FINGERS)
-Community service.
-Community service?
Yeah.
Bro, my boy Buck,
he runs that sh*t downtown.
I-- lemme give him a call.
I got you. I'll sort it all out.
Um, mm, I don't think I want you
makin' any-- any calls for me.
PFLOPHAUS
Nah, it's all good. It's all
good.
Lemme get this loaded.
MAN 3:
Bro, you bugging.
PFLOPHAUS:
Watch this. Watch this.
Yeah, it's Pflophaus,
it's motherfuckin' Pflophaus
It's motherfuckin' Pflophaus
You know who the f*ck it is
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
I love sellin' crack,
I love sellin' crack
I love sellin' crack,
I love sellin' crack
b*tch
Baby, throw it back
like I'm playin' rugby
Everybody love me
like I'm Bill Cosby
Can't nobody rob me
I'm in the lobby
Like I'm, like I'm, like I'm
Mr. Moseby
I'ma live forever
like I'm Kobe Bryant
24, I'm a giant
Rawr, I'm a lion
They sell a lot of bud, Please
don't look at me
Pull your pants up
I can see your cheeks
Ah, got it
They sellin' all that crack
every day of the week
Martha Stewart
They must love that booty
because it's not cheap
God damn
I love sellin' crack,
I love sellin' crack
I love sellin' crack,
I love sellin' crack
I love sellin' crack,
I love sellin' crack
I love sellin' crack,
I love sellin' crack
(YELLS)
PFLOPHAUS:
I'm bringin' crack back
I'm bringin' crack back
I'm bringin' crack back
Hell yeah.
Yeah, that sh*t was different.
RAPHAEL:
Yeah.
So you-- you sell crack, bro?
Man, f*ck no!
That sh*t's been destroying my
people for decades.
-I'd never do that.
-RAPHAEL: Right.
f*ck's wrong with you?
Hey, what you need, bro?
Oh, let me get a eighth
for, like, 20.
A eighth for 20?
Yeah.
God damn, bro.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Is this a eighth?
Hey, come on, bro.
We gotta go, man.
-You like that sh*t?
-Yeah.
()
()
All right, man.
Good luck today.
Look, I done done this sh*t a
couple times, all right?
Just go in there.
Keep your head down.
Do what they say.
Look, don't make no new friends.
Put your music in and just zone
the f*ck out, all right?
Puff on that twice.
(TAKES A DRAG, PUFF SMOKE)
()
(MAN GRUNTING)
200, wooh!
200? That wasn't even 75. Stop
frontin', p*ssy.
f*ck you. You're ugly.
MAN 5:
I'm ugly?
Look at you, bro.
All right, you felons,
f*ck ups and you're f*ck offs.
Today from 2:00 to 7:00,
you are mine.
(SPITS)
You no longer have a name. You
no longer have a sex.
(SCOFFS)
Your bodies are built for trash.
And I am your trash lord.
(RAPHAEL CHUCKLES)
I'm sorry, ant.
I didn't know no one made no
jokes.
Maybe you think this is some
kind of comedy club.
Wanna come up here and tell some
funny jokes, funny man?
No? I didn't think so.
This is my ant farm and you are
my ant.
MAN 6: (VOICEOVER)
You could have saved him!
-(g*ns FIRING, MEN SCREAMING)
-(HELICOPTER WHIRRING)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Now get!
()
Man, I'm depressed
I'm depressed
Man, I'm depressed, baby
When I'm depressed
I'm depressed
Jesus Christ. What a guy, huh?
I'm depressed
Man, I'm depressed
Hey. Sorry.
I was just listening
to the new Pflophaus track.
You heard of him?
-Wait, seriously?
-Yeah.
I was just with that guy.
Dude, shut up.
Are you serious?
-Yeah.
-No, I'm, like, his biggest fan.
His sh*t's so aggressive.
It's so f*cking forward.
-It's amazing.
-RAPHAEL: Yeah. That's wild.
I didn't think
many people knew who he was.
Yeah, he's kinda up and coming.
Yeah, he-- he, um,
he buys bud from my cousin,
who I've been staying with since
I've-- since I've been here.
Damn, you rattin' out
your cousin that fast.
-Pretty f*cked up.
-I know.
I-- I made-- I made it up.
Sorry.
I'm f*cking with you, dude. The
look on your face.
(INDISTINCT SPEECH)
-Yeah.
-What's your name?
I'm R-- I'm Raphi.
Raphi. I like that.
I'm Bernadette.
You're kinda cute.
You like Xanax?
Am I famous? What?
No, I said do you like Xanax.
-Oh, yeah, yeah.
-Yeah?
Xanax is-- is chill.
f*ck' knew it.
You ever had pineapple or mango
on Xanax before?
Those specific fruit?
No. Can't say I have.
Raphi, I'm about to change your
community service experience.
Take half this tab.
Cheers.
Why you lookin' at me like that?
Um, sorry, I'm just really high.
(BLOWS A RASPBERRY)
-Oh f*ck!
-I'm f*cking with you.
MAN 5:
Yo, oh, look, oh, look--
Oh my God! What is this?
-RAPAHEL: What the f*ck?
-Oh my God!
What are you screamin' about,
boy?
That is a f*ck' gnarly rat!
Oh my God.
What, you never seen a f*ck'
rat before?
Oh, you p*ssy.
You g*dd*mn p*ssy.
What is your problem, man?
-What the f*ck?
-You f*ck' Americans.
You're so soft!
It's just a rat!
You know what we do with rats in
my country?
No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
We k*ll 'em.
Oh!
MAN 7:
Well, sh*t.
(SCREAMS)
BERNADETTE:
Okay.
f*ck did I end up here?
WOMAN 7:
Oh!
Oh, what have you done?
(WOMAN SOBS)
-WOMAN 7: You k*lled the mother.
-(RETCHES)
That's a good question.
I was about to ask you
why are you here?
WOMAN 7:
The poor little babies.
(WHIMPERS)
Um, tagging. Lame, I know.
No, no, that's-- that's great.
I was just hoping
you weren't violent.
I'm gonna fix this side, too.
(SCREAMS)
sh*t!
(GROANS, SCREAMS)
Luckily, I'm leaving
all these assholes behind.
WOMAN 7:
Oh God!
Where are you going?
(WOMAN SCREAMING)
BERNADETTE:
College in Iowa.
My uncle lives there,
so I said f*ck it.
(INDISTINCT SPEECH)
It's good for you.
(CRYING)
BERNADETTE:
Just push it in there.
(LEAVES RUSTLE)
BERNADETTE:
All right. See? Now we can dip.
RAPHAEL:
Wait, what?
(BERNADETTE LAUGHS)
BERNADETTE:
Yeah, we're done, dude.
(WIND HOWLS)
(GROANS)
BERNADETTE:
Hey, Buck.
All right.
Work's done, funny guys.
See you tomorrow.
()
I think I know where we should
go.
Yeah?
I knew we would have fun
'Cause we're not goin' out and
there's nothin' to...
RAPHAEL:
Why did you put the edible dog
sh*t down?
Jesus Christ,
please don't eat that.
Ah. Oh, it's super cute.
So why were you in community
service again?
Vicodin.
I'm done with that sh*t, though.
Damn.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Oh my God.
Sorry.
(BERNADETTE CHUCKLES)
You look amazing.
It's not really my style, but...
BERNADETTE:
Shut up. You look good.
This isn't really about style
right now.
Come here.
All right, come on.
And don't say a word.
Hey there, we're just gonna get
these gummy burgies.
Mm-Hmm?
Is that everything?
Yeah, that'll do it.
Hmm.
You sure?
Hmm.
What about you, Green Day?
Anything else?
Nope. (CLEARS THROAT)
-Nope.
-STORE CLERK: Uh-huh.
-I dig those straps.
-Oh, thank you.
You know,
some as*h*le tried
to f*ck with me last week.
You wanna know what I told him?
Sure.
()
All right, look,
it's gonna take you roughly
three seconds
to put that back on the shelf.
Or you could try to make a run
for it.
Get to the door in say,
what, six seconds, maybe.
But no matter what you do,
it's only gonna take me two
seconds
to grab that shotgun
from behind the counter
and blow your f*ck' brains out
across the Dragon Ball Z
section!
Can I use your phone to call my
mom?
(SCREAMS)
Anyway.
Y'all got big plans today?
-Yeah.
-STORE CLERK: Yeah?
Yeah.
STORE CLERK:
It's gonna be $5 even.
(DOOR SQUEAKS)
(BOTH LAUGH)
(SCRIBBLES)
(SLURPS)
Why draft?
'Cause I, uh,
I like a cool breeze.
Uh-hmm.
()
RAPHAEL:
Damn!
Denied.
BERNADETTE:
Come on Raphi, don't be so emo.
She's simple yet confusing
Today was awesome.
Yeah, it was.
And I think community service
went just about as well as
humanly possible, so...
(SLURPS)
Except for that rat.
-WOMAN 7: What have you done?
-What the f*ck?
What have all of you done?
And never will I give up
trying 'cause...
RAPHAEL:
(INDISTINCT SPEECH)
()
MAN 8: (ON VIDEO)
(INDISTINCT SPEECH)
OFFICER WILLIAMS:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah!
Really, Williams?
In the g*dd*mn drive-through?
OFFICER WILLIAMS:
Go die.
JANET:
Ugh!
f*cking c**t.
God dammit!
(PHONE RINGING)
-Yes.
-Hello, Officer Williams.
OFFICER WILLIAMS:
Mr. Pillows, how are you?
What can I do for you?
PILLOWS: (ON PHONE)
It's that Mateo fella.
I've been seein' some strange
ins and outs
from his home today.
I saw two men carrying a large
black trash bag
from his home.
Something seemed off about it.
I'm worried it was a body.
I hate to say it, you know how
important community is to me,
but I just don't like feeling
scared in my own home.
Thank you for bein' the only
person in this town
that I can trust.
You are literally the only one.
Always, Officer Williams,
always.
We're gonna get him.
f*ck.
(DOOR CREAKS)
Hey, guys.
Guys?
f*ck is goin' on?
He's gone.
Gone?
Who? Who's gone?
Our best friend, Jay.
Who?
Jay!
Oh, your other roommate.
What, he got, like, locked up
for a long time or somethin'?
MAN 3:
He hung himself, dude.
He's up there right now f*ck'
hangin'.
He's dead, bro.
Oh my God.
He's hangin' up there right now?
Have you called the cops?
Man, I knew you were a f*ck'
rat.
Hey, chill the f*ck out, Nester.
Get the f*ck outta here.
(FOOTFALL)
Listen, man.
I'm sorry about your friend,
but this sh*t is serious.
You gotta call the cops and
clean up
all your f*cking drugs right
now.
His family needs to know.
You're right, bro.
I'll call the cops.
(RINGING TONE)
911 OPERATOR: (ON PHONE)
911.
Please state your emergency.
Yeah, this is, uh, Mateo Taylor.
I just wanna call in a suicide
at my home.
911 OPERATOR: (ON PHONE)
Goodness gracious.
(whirring)
(RATTLING)
(WHIRRING)
Let me get a freshener.
Lemme get that.
(SPRITZING)
RAPHAEL:
Yo, Mateo.
What's up?
Who is she?
MATEO:
Oh, I can't explain it right
now,
but she's a massive problem.
-Okay.
-Hey, bro, hey.
Um, I need you to do somethin'
for me, man.
Look, I need you to go up there
in Jay's room
and just take a look.
It might be easier for you
'cause you ain't known like we
did,
but I just wanna make sure there
ain't no sh*t
that's incriminatin' us
up there.
You feel me?
Please?
Uh, um, yeah.
-Yeah.
-Okay.
(DOOR CREAKS)
RAPHAEL:
Oh my God.
Oh my f*cking... Mateo!
Hey, guys, I know everything's
really fresh right now,
so I hate to even ask this,
but what the f*ck happened
to Jay's hands?
Whoa. Slow, slow, slow down.
What happened, bro?
His hands are f*cking gone!
They're cut the f*ck off!
f*ck.
(TAKING DEEP BREATHES)
You got a hog down there, kid?
-Huh?
-Nester's f*ck' useless.
-I need a real man.
-Huh?
I've pumped those ba*ls
so full of HGH
it could k*ll a opalomino.
And I've got a horse a*s.
-You ever ride a horse?
-Listen.
Ever been with a horse girl?
With your horse c*ck?
Now is a really bad time!
Just sayin'.
His hands, his hands, his hands.
What the f*ck? His hands!
Yo, this is bad!
Why the f*ck did we call
the cops, man?
This sh*t is incriminating sh*t!
Nester, I thought you threw
that sh*t away.
I know what to do.
MATEO:
What the f*ck should we do,
Nester?
-Feed him to Larry.
-I agree.
I do not agree with that!
I also do not agree with that.
We're not feedin' him to f*ck'
Larry, Nester.
Take that.
Take your f*cking girlfriend.
Get the f*ck up out my house,
bro.
-I ain't nobody's girlfriend.
-NESTER: Come on.
I belong to the game.
MATEO:
I don't give a f*ck who you
belong to.
Pinche pendejo.
MATEO:
Callate la boca.
-MATEO: Stank b*tch.
-WOMAN 6: m*therf*cker.
Get the f*ck outta here. Damn!
(DOOR THUDS)
On the f*ck' floor!
I am gonna f*ck you in the a*s
with my g*n!
Where's the body?
(SNIFFS)
Oh, I can smell the meth
in the f*cking air!
(SCREAMS)
You get on the f*cking ground.
-MATEO: Yo.
-Shut the f*ck up, Mateo!
Ah, you have no idea how long
I f*ck' waited for this day.
Oh, Mateo,
you are my f*ck' b*tch.
Oh, you're my b*tch.
(LICKS)
You'll always be my stupid
b*tch.
Oh, who's the big drug lord now?
Huh? Who is it?
Not you.
I f*ck' hate you so much.
And you,
you f*cking little emo twink.
-(THWACK)
-MATEO: Yo.
RAPHAEL:
What the f*ck was that?
Oh, you know what?
I should have f*cked your mom
the day that I met her.
RAPHAEL:
What?
OFFICER WILLIAMS:
Oh, I shoulda licked her p*ssy
so hard!
Where's the f*ck' body?
It's up the stairs!
Just chill.
(TAKING DEEP BREATHES)
-Yo.
-You like that, Mateo?
You like that?
-Calm the f*ck down, wi-- f*ck!
-RAPHAEL: Jesus!
f*ck Jesus, what?
I should send you both to hell
right f*ck' now!
God hates pieces of sh*t like
y'all!
(RAPHAEL GROANS)
Why is it always gotta be her?
It will always be me, Mateo!
Always!
(THUD)
(GASPS)
(TAKING DEEP BREATHS)
OFFICER WILLIAMS:
Yes!
(RAPHAEL GROANS)
Finally!
Oh!
(TAKING DEEP BREATHS)
Oh, oh.
Oh, finally f*ck' done it!
Ah! Ah!
Oh, Mateo, you are my b*tch!
Oh, you pissant!
Oh, there's never gonna be a way
you get out of it!
Oh! Oh!
OFFICER WILLIAMS:
Oh!
Howdy f*ck' doody.
You g*dd*mn-- what the f*ck?
God damn it.
Oh f*ck' sh*t!
What the f*ck are you doing
here, Williams?
Why are these men on the ground
in handcuffs?
Uh, this man's a f*ck'
m*rder*r, okay?
He's a drug trafficker, too.
And I got a f*ck' phone call
from someone in the neighborhood
saying there was g*nshots
from this house.
All right?
There's a body up there.
EMT:
There was a suicide
reported here, ma'am.
-Was there not a suicide?
-Was there not a suicide?
Why don't you go check the body
and you tell me whether
or not it was a f*cking suicide
or not.
That man was m*rder*d.
RAPHAEL:
No, no one m*rder*d anyone!
He's upstairs hanging
in the room on the left!
Shut the f*ck up,
you little twink!
This woman has been abusing us,
man.
Williams! Unhandcuff
these men right now.
-I swear to f*cking God.
-COP 1: Move. Move.
OFFICER WILLIAMS:
You like bein' slapped.
I remember that.
-Get outta the way.
-The f*ck is wrong with you?
-You are a police officer,
right?
-Yeah, you a camp counselor?
-Well, act like one.
The f*ck are you doing?
Do you teach yoga to kids?
Get the f*ck outta here!
How many people do you sit
at the Putter?
-f*ck off!
-You having fun?
Is it fun over there?
-At the Putter?
-God damn, you're dumb!
COP 1:
Are you a police officer
at mini golf, too?
MATEO:
There were no g*nshots.
Who said that?
Hey, your f*cking concerned a*s
neighbors, Mateo!
You put them through hell
every f*cking day
with your f*ck' pink a*s.
COP 1:
All right, that's enough.
-Really?
-MATEO: Oh f*ck.
COP 1:
Haven't you done enough already?
God dammit!
You should take up nursing.
Shouldn't you be sitting some
tables?
You should f*cking take up
nursing.
You're so nice to people.
-Yeah, I'm nice. You right.
-OFFICER WILLIAMS: f*ck off.
You should be nice at the
Putter.
God dammit. sh*t!
COP 1:
See, you actin' childish.
-(GROANS)
-That's all you got?
Nope, I have a good job
and a career.
-Yeah, so do I!
-Yep, at the Putter.
OFFICER WILLIAMS:
You do f*ck' nothing.
You sit on your a*s,
you eat f*ck' donuts, yeah.
COP 1:
You look like Sharon Osbourne
and Chucky had a baby.
OFFICER WILLIAMS:
f*ck off!
Sorry they did this to you, man.
Mr. Taylor, is it?
-Mateo.
-COP 1: Mateo.
Look, look, that's my friend
Jay up there.
That's my cousin Raphi,
he ain't involved in this.
Okay.
So what we're gonna do,
we're gonna take you down
for questioning, okay?
Standard protocol
for any suicides.
Chillax.
sh*t!
Top of that it shouldn't take
long, okay?
What are you gonna do with me?
Well, we'll get your number down
and if we need anything,
we'll call you.
All right, Mateo's the one
that saw him up there.
All right?
And Officer Williams,
you can come with us, too.
You can shut the f*ck up.
COP 2:
We're clear upstairs. Hes--
He's missing his hands.
He's missin' his hands?
His hands?
(SIRENY YELPS)
(PUFFS SMOKE)
They just keep gettin' dumber,
Javier.
(laughs)
Remember Finland?
-Lot of bodies.
-Lot of bodies.
You know what that means?
-Lot of hands.
-Hands.
-Hands.
-Hands.
-Hands.
-Hands.
Everywhere we looked.
Hands. 100 bodies.
You know what that means?
200 hands!
(BOTH LAUGH)
What a day.
Hands, hands
Hands
Hands
(PHONE RINGS)
Yo, yo, who's this?
Cha-ching.
Yo, yo, yo, it's Williams.
I need to know exactly
what happened
in that house yesterday.
You don't tell me,
I'll have you arrested
in the Blink 182 of an eye.
Listen, I came home and Mateo
was cryin' on the couch.
And that's all that happened.
He didn't-- he didn't k*ll
anyone.
He wouldn't k*ll a fly.
RAPHAEL: (ON PHONE)
All right?
I'll let you know if anything
else pops up.
(FLIPS PHONE SHUT)
Lies!
(SPITS)
(OFFICER WILLIAMS GULPS)
(GLASS CLUNKS)
OFFICER WILLIAMS:
Tattoo head!
(BUBBLING)
(PUFFS SMOKE)
(PHONE RINGING)
Oh sh*t.
Yo, yo, what's up, Bernadette?
Raphi, where the f*ck were
you today?
Oh f*ck. Community service.
Well, I'm not too far
from Paradise Circle.
Okay if we still hang out today?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, for sure.
I'll, um, I'll see you soon.
BERNADETTE: (ON PHONE)
Okay, I'll see you in a bit.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Jesus.
You better keep your eyes wide
open
I'm your American nightmare
I wanna lead you down the road
to ruin
Oh my God.
Is that a cop on a cross?
(COP GROWLING)
MAN 9:
He's gonna do it!
Oh, wah-ah-ah-ah!
(CHEERING)
Yes!
(THUMP)
CROWD:
Oh!
(SCREAMS)
MAN 10:
It's gonna be a first, damn.
(GROWLING)
RAPHAEL:
Nester, what the f*ck is this?
Your roommate just died.
Mateo's out, my man.
This house?
This is my house.
What the f*ck are you talking
about?
You know Mateo didn't do sh*t.
You were there.
Hey, man, I was upstairs asleep.
I slept through everything.
I didn't hear a thing.
(CHUCKLING)
Jesus f*cking Christ.
-RAPHAEL: Bernadette.
-Hey.
You seem excited to see me.
Yeah.
(CROWD MEMBER SCREAMS)
You better keep your eyes
wide open
I'm your American nightmare
(VOMITS)
BERNADETTE:
These are your friends?
No, I actually don't know
any of these people.
This is, um, this is just my
circumstance.
NESTER:
Raphael.
What's up, baby?
You charmer you.
Well, who is this?
Since my friend failed
to do so,
I just wanted
to introduce myself.
My name is Nester.
-Nice to meet you.
-NESTER: Pleased to meet you.
-Yeah.
-Here, baby.
-Live a little.
-Yeah, I'm good.
Uh, no, man,
we're cool on that.
I gotta go get her a plate.
That guy, Nester,
he doesn't know
what he's doing with hands.
Girl, I was trying to tell them,
"Rub it, you know, slap that
a*s."
American, all right
Maybe, uh, maybe I shouldn't
have brought you here.
My cousin's in jail 'cause they
think he k*lled his--
(MAN FARTS)
I guess our roommate.
But he didn't.
There's this cop, man.
She's got it out for him.
She wants me to rat on him.
But f*ck that.
She's f*cking delusional.
Apparently the feds are looking
for missing nukes in town
and she thinks it's him.
I told you that Mateo boy
was a t*rror1st.
(GASPS)
This might go deeper than we
thought, Debra.
Hey, y'all seen my phone?
Oh. Damn. You wanted that?
(SIGHS)
(THUMP
NESTER:
The f*ck?
(INDISTINCT SPEECH)
(NESTER GRUNTS)
-Headshot!
-sh*t.
So it was the feds
who took Mateo down?
Yes, of course.
Surely you saw the plumber van.
Obviously FBI.
f*cking Meat Hat sh*t. f*ck!
Hey, that's a quality burger.
I could eat that every day.
Hand me your weapon.
I'm gonna f*ck' blow my brains
out.
You do know he k*lled
his roommate, right?
-I just-- I don't believe it.
-DEBRA: It's true, though.
OLD WOMAN 8:
It's true.
Why don't you just leave then?
What do you mean leave?
Like, what's keeping you here?
Your mom?
Community college art classes?
Pfresno, Texas,
doesn't deserve us.
Where would I go?
I don't know.
Iowa, too, I guess.
(FLICKS LIGHTER)
(PUFFS SMOKE)
Look, I'm gonna be living
on this big a*s farm.
To be honest,
my uncle would probably be happy
to have you working there.
(LARRY GRUNTS)
RAPHAEL:
Did you just ask me
to move to a blackberry farm
in Iowa with you?
Is that what just happened?
(TAKES A DRAG)
(CHUCKLES)
Thanks.
Look, I'm not asking you
to marry me, Raphi.
But we're friends now, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, we're friends.
So blackberries grow on, like,
bushes and sh*t or-- or what?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They grow on bushes.
(PHONE RINGING)
Mateo, what's taking so long?
You all right?
Man, I just got out, dog.
That was some straight up
bullshit, man.
Officer Williams thought
she had me,
but once again,
she ain't have sh*t.
But anyway, supposedly
a bunch of people's hands
have been showin' up in the
river.
So we'll find somethin' out
soon here.
People's hands are showing up
in rivers?
Hands!
Yeah, man.
And that's the f*cked up thing.
My close pal dies
and I'm the one
that gets locked up.
Where are you?
(MUNCHES)
Huh?
RAPHAEL: (ON PHONE)
Where are you?
Oh, I'm about to pull up to the
crib.
RAPHAEL: (ON PHONE)
Just-- just hurry up, man.
Nester threw a f*cking barbecue
to celebrate the house being
his.
Again?
Jesus f*cking Christ, man.
You know what? Whatever.
I'm hungry.
f*cking starving, to be honest.
-All right, I'll see you soon.
-Yeah.
(SIGHS)
(CHUCKLES)
NESTER:
Where you at, Jay?
Why'd you leave me alone, man?
Where did you go, man?
(NESTER SOBBING)
Where you at, Jay?
Are you in there somewhere?
I know you are.
(SOBBING)
()
(CHEERING)
He's out!
RAPHAEL:
Mateo, you all right, man?
We were worried sick
about you, bro, you good?
Yeah, I'm good, straight.
Uh, oh, Bernadette,
this is my cousin Mateo.
Mateo.
-Nice to meet you.
-Nice to meet you.
Your cousin seems to love you
a lot.
Word?
Well, you lucky to have a pal
like Raphi.
Hey, uh, but let me get a fork,
man.
Let me get a beer
to wash this sh*t down.
-Put on that Pflophaus.
-Got you, I got you, hey!
(OVERLAPPING SPEECH)
Just look at those monsters.
-Sell that crack.
-PFLOPHAUS: Yeah.
f*ck.
Gimme one second.
(PHONE RINGING)
God, Carol.
Yes, hello?
Hello, Officer Williams?
Yeah.
I'm so sorry to bother you, but
I just have to tell you
that little n*zi rat
from next door.
Mateo?
He's having a massive party and
he's totally, utterly,
completely out of control!
He's out already, huh?
(SCOFFS)
OFFICER WILLIAMS:
I'll take care of it.
-CAROL: Thank you.
-All right, bye.
All right. Where were we?
So you want me to go
buy whatever drugs I can
from some house?
Yeah.
And you're gonna give me $400.
OFFICER WILLIAMS:
That is correct.
Yep.
And I need you to do it tonight.
So these drugs are for you?
Yes!
Yes, okay.
Does $500 make you feel better?
-Yeah.
-OFFICER WILLIAMS: Yeah? Okay.
I'll give you a little deposit
right now.
And then when you bring
the sugar back to mama,
you get the rest of it, huh?
That make you feel good?
(SPITS)
That'll work.
(FOOTFALLS)
CLARK:
Clark and Nelvin reporting.
MAN 11: (ON RADIO)
Great work, boys.
Ukraine has just confirmed our
ID on Jeremy Pillows.
He's our guy.
Geronimo. baby.
MAN 11: (ON RADIO)
The deal is going down tonight.
You need to wait until the
buyers
have presented their payment
before making
your grand entrance.
Local police will be on standby
a few blocks down,
awaiting your go ahead.
With all due respect, sir,
the cops in this sh*thole
are a bunch of f*ck' idiots.
We need SWAT here.
I second that, sir.
Officer Williams went on some
f*cking power trip
on one of the neighbors
last night
and nearly blew our cover.
MAN 11: (ON RADIO)
That's not Rusty's daughter is
she?
Apple fell very far
from the tree, sir.
CLARK:
You remember that time old Rusty
brought her along to the office?
God, she was just a kid.
(KID GIGGLE)
Just runnin' around pretending
to be a hero like Dad.
Just savin' lives.
MAN 11: (ON RADIO)
At any rate, we are well aware
of Pfresno PD's shortcomings.
So you will be accompanied
tonight by a notorious cop
and pardoned w*r criminal coming
in from Dallas.
She goes by the name Goose.
What the hell kinda name
is Goose?
We're dead.
MAN 11: (ON RADIO)
She is an ex SEAL,
dishonorably discharged for
single-handedly wipin' out
an entire Afghan village.
(MAN LAUGHING)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(MAN PANTING)
(MAN GROANING)
Don't panic.
(g*nshots)
GOOSE:
Don't panic.
(g*nshots)
Roger that, sir.
Oh f*ck.
MATEO:
Hey, Pflophaus had it turnt,
man.
-MATEO: I love sellin'--
-NESTER: Hey, guys, what's up?
Oh, hey, guys, what's up?
Hey! where the f*ck
have you been, Nester?
Ain't this your g*dd*mn
barbecue?
Why the f*ck did you throw
a party here?
This ain't your house!
I know, man.
It's totally uncalled for.
-Somebody gave me some bad meth.
-Some bad meth?
-I wasn't thinking clearly, man.
-You never thinkin'.
-Hey.
-Hey.
I'll be right back.
There's something
I have to take care of.
It's very urgent.
(NESTER GROANS)
Squatter's rights, huh?
It's unfortunate.
(BEES BUZZING)
(CAR WHIRRING)
All right, you good?
I'll be watchin' the whole time.
You ain't got nothin' to worry
about.
Do I look like a man that spends
his days worryin'?
No, I suppose not.
Drugs and g*ns, baby.
Drugs and g*ns.
That's what we want.
Whoa, you never mentioned
g*ns before.
Just go get mama her sh*t.
Calm down.
I'll get you your drugs.
I'll get you your g*ns.
Whatever.
(SLAMS DOOR)
m*therf*cker!
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Hey, what's happenin' man?
Nothin' much,
just having a few beers.
-Hey, do I know you?
-Nah.
Hey, man, uh, what you need?
'Cause if you don't need no
nothing,
I think you should probably get
on up out of here.
Drugs and g*ns.
-What?
-Just tryin' to party.
Man, I don't know
what you're trying to do,
but I think you should keep
g*ns out of it.
(SLURPING)
Hey, somethin' going down there
at that Mateo fellow's home.
NESTER:
Is that Panda?
Pandemonium! What's up, man?
Yo, Nester.
-I knew you weren't dead.
-I'm back, b*tch!
MATEO:
Hey, Nester, you know this guy?
Oh yeah, he's cool people.
We go way back.
What's up, baby boy?
What do you need?
(SIGHS)
Ah, sh*t.
Sorry, guys.
Some cop's payin, me $500 to get
drugs and I guess g*ns.
But f*ck that.
I ain't rattin, my boy out.
MATEO:
Hey, man.
Was that cop's name
Officer Williams by chance?
PANDA:
I don't know
She's a mousey-lookin'
little chick.
-PANDA: Got a black eye.
-Yeah.
Big attitude.
f*ck' no a*s.
She's right outside.
Yeah, that is Officer Williams'
crazy a*s.
f*ck' maniac.
Hey, look, man,
we don't sell g*ns here,
so I appreciate you not rattin
on us, I guess.
-I got you.
-Come on in, man.
Let's hang out.
(NESTER CHUCKLES)
(OFFICER WILLIAMS CHUCKLING)
I am her.
That b*tch.
Yeah, let it play out.
Looks small time.
We'll monitor it from here.
()
Well, the, uh, warheads will be
ready in just a minute.
So who you guys plannin' on
bombin' first?
Oh, actually, we're not gonna be
bombing anyone.
(CHUCKLES)
So we're gonna have these
puppies destroyed
before they end up
in the wrong hands.
(PILLOWS LAUGHING)
MAN 12:
Well, Pillows,
were starting with Hong Kong,
the biggest isolated pollution
source on Earth.
What are you doing, Panda?
I see no drugs, Panda.
What the f*ck, Panda?
That's a no go.
I know one of the roommates.
You know, Mateo?
Why wouldn't you tell me that?
No, Nester.
Oh my God.
The meth head?
Whoa, hey, hey, you don't know
what he's been through.
Nor do I care!
Look, just get out of here
before they f*ck' see me.
PANDA:
What about my $500?
I put my life on the line
for this sh*t.
No g*ns, no drugs.
I don't see why.
DEBRA:
Wow!
That is a big man.
He's massive.
(PILLOWS CHUCKLES)
PILLOWS:
Here we go.
MAN 13:
You know, there's too many
people in the world,
right Dean?
And there's not enough food.
Well, actually, there's only
about 1 million people on Earth.
The census is totally
fabricated.
But, well, okay,
what about world peace?
The path to peace was never
peaceful.
I said,
"Give me my f*ck' money!"
(DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE)
Get outta my f*ck' face.
All right?
Now go.
Before they f*ck' see me.
-Go!
-All right.
f*ck, f*ck, f*ck!
Panda! f*ck! No!
Not my champagne Corolla!
God damn it! Ugh!
f*ck! Where are my f*cking keys?
-(SCREAMS)
-f*ck!
Showtime. Paul, wake up!
-Oh, let's rock movie star.
SHAY: Hurry!
OFFICER WILLIAMS:
Tattoo headed m*therf*cker!
That m*therf*cker crazy.
What the f*ck?
What-- is that Williams
in the front seat?
Oh God, it is Williams.
Go shine, honey!
-(PAUL CHUCKLES)
-(SHAY SHRIEKS)
Hey, Nester, you wanna help me
get this b*tch?
(SLAMS DOOR)
MATEO:
Nester, what you doin'?
Yo, Nester, Nester, chill.
Don't f*ck with me, Mateo.
I got this man.
OFFICER WILLIAMS:
Panda, stop!
I'm an officer of the f*ck'
law!
(TIRE DEFLATES)
(SLAMS DOOR)
MATEO:
f*ck that.
Officer Williams
needs to start sh**ting
before somebody gets hurt.
OFFICER WILLIAMS:
God damn it,
where are my f*cking keys?
(OFFICER WILLIAMS SCREAMING)
(LAUGHING)
-Where's my g*n?
-Again?
Where the f*ck is my g*n,
god dammit?
(SCREAMS)
-Got you!
-OFFICER WILLIAMS: f*ck!
You ain't goin' nowhere.
(g*nsh*t)
RAPHAEL:
Oh, f*ck, sh*t.
BERNADETTE:
f*ck, he's f*cking dead.
(GASPS)
Aha!
(CAMERA THUMPING)
(GRUNTS)
OFFICER WILLIAMS:
Oh, f*ck.
-That's what we wanted, right?
-That's what we wanted.
(RETCHES)
PAUL:
Honey, I'm done.
I'm done. I'm done, honey.
I can't--
I can't do it anymore.
I can't do this.
Do you actually think
that you deserve these?
I'll f*cking leave your a*s
right now!
Now keep filming!
Okay, okay.
OFFICER WILLIAMS:
Step back.
I'm an officer of the law.
I need you to stop filming right
this second!
PAUL:
No!
(LAUGHS)
This is America, honey.
You're going to die.
(g*nshots)
-OFFICER WILLIAMS: Oh, f*ck!
-sh*t.
-Got you, b*tch.
-He got her.
OFFICER WILLIAMS:
God damn it,
f*cking meth head b*tch!
-DEBRA: Oh my God.
-OFFICER WILLIAMS: f*ck!
(OFFICER WILLIAMS SCREAMING)
(g*nsh*t)
FBI!
(g*nsh*t)
(SCREAMING)
-RAPHAEL: Oh!
-f*ck.
No, no!
Officer, are you hit?
Yes.
-Yes they're all in the house.
-f*ck!
Into that house hurry.
The deal is already underway!
COP 1:
God damn it, Williams!
f*cked up worse than you could
ever feasibly imagine.
It was a diversion!
It was Mateo!
f*ck' b*tch.
PILLOWS:
Ha- ha!
Mm, hands, anyone?
Nah, we stopped at Meat Hat
on the way out here.
Meat Hat good.
-DEAN: Them were good.
-MAN 13: Pretty Good, huh?
They were good.
OFFICER WILLIAMS:
f*ck you.
f*ck.
Your father was the best agent
I ever knew.
(GROANS)
He had such high hopes for you.
God, he'd be so disappointed.
(SCREAMING)
(METALLIC TING)
FBI.
Fire, fire, fire
NELVIN:
Clark!
(g*nsh*t)
Jesus m*therf*cking Christ!
They're in here!
(GROANS)
Did somebody say world
m*therf*cking peace?
(g*nsh*t)
So it makes sense to leave
Pfresno now.
Is there-- is there room in Iowa
for Mateo, too?
There's enough room in Iowa for
the entire city of Pfresno.
(SIRENS BLARING)
(g*nshots)
(MAN SCREAMING)
(g*nshots)
BERNADETTE:
All your roommates are dead.
We're f*cking leaving.
(g*nsh*t)
(GLASS SHATTERS)
Hey, duck!
Come on. Come on. Come on.
Hey, help me.
(GROANING)
GOOSE:
Don't panic.
(g*nshots)
PILLOWS:
Die, pig b*tch!
(g*nshots)
(METALLIC TING)
(PANTS)
sh*t, man.
(BANGING ON DOOR)
-(g*nsh*t)
-(THUD)
(SLAMS DOOR)
Oh, Mateo!
Holy f*ck, bro.
You know,
I've dreamt of this day
for a long f*ck' time, man.
(g*nsh*t)
Dreamt of k*lling you
in cold blood since you were
a sophomore at Pfresno High,
you little half-baked f*gg*t.
Jesus f*cking Christ, this b*tch
is gonna f*cking k*ll me.
Your friends, Nester
and Panda,
they're f*ck' waitin' for you.
In hell!
I don't know if I can do it,
bro.
I don't know if I can k*ll
somebody else.
OFFICER WILLIAMS:
Come out and face me!
(g*nsh*t)
(TAKES DEEP BREATHS)
-f*ck that.
-No, you're right.
RAPHAEL:
You're right. You're right.
OFFICER WILLIAMS:
You scared?
You scared,
you little punk a*s b*tch?
Where are you at, Mateo?
(TAKES DEEP BREATHS)
I love you, cuz.
OFFICER WILLIAMS:
Mateo.
Where's your pig?
Where is it?
-(g*nsh*t)
-(THUD)
(SCREAMS)
Never f*ck with a horse girl!
This is for Nester!
(PATS)
(THUD)
WOMAN 6:
Kaboom, come on!
Do you think she's dead or...
Picture's up.
(SQUEALS)
Okay.
Someone's child,
someone's lover,
someone's husband.
Tragedy struck Puh-fresno,
Texas, today, America.
More details to come.
Shay Burrata, Texas, USA.
Another angle.
(RETCHES)
Oh, gross.
-Right, right.
God damn it now!
-Call it.
-9:36 p.m, time of death.
(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)
To be honest, always planned on
leavin' this sh*thole,
but I ain't think
it go down like this.
Hey, y'all got room for a third
wheel in, uh,
Utah or whatever?
It's Iowa.
But yeah.
Same difference.
So you gonna tell your mom?
(CHUCKLES)
Right.
So many dead pigs.
Oh sh*t, I gotta check on Larry.
Hey.
Be right back.
(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)
()
(KISSES)
Let's call this
the quiet city
Where screams are felt
As the waves
of the stoplights
Drive through the streets
As g*nshots punctuate
the night
The sides we take
Divide us from our faith
And the mourning dove
gets caught
In the telephone wire
Asleep, you set the fire
in your own house
And the night
was a knife that cut
And I'm paralyzed
Cross out the eyes
Blur all the lines
Tearin' this canvas
from the wall
Cross out the eyes
Put lines
through these cries
Pulled all the leaves
from the trees that fall
Trees that fall
Trees that fall
Trees that fall
A silent dance that we did
Into this hospital bed
Hear voices
from another room
It happens all the time
But July in the sand
The leaves fall
And counting down
our days to live
Drain the blood
from this valentine
We can rise
On the wings of the dove
See blue skies
getting caught
In the trail
of all this smoke
We can rise
Like candles in the dark
Yours always
And an envelope marked
with your new address
You better keep your eyes
wide open
I'm your American nightmare
I wanna lead you down the road
to ruin
I'm your American nightmare
()
Can't take it with you
when you're dead and gone
You better live it up
like tomorrow never comes
Dissing your money
down the wishing well
Ain't gonna get you
to heaven
Or out of this hell
With my money, buy whiskey
Your gasoline
Don't need your wuss a*s
to get me through this
I'm a k*ller machine
All right, yeah
You better keep your eyes
wide open
I'm your American nightmare
I wanna lead you down the road
to ruin
I'm your American nightmare
Yeah
()
American
()
Pick up a pizzazz,
they're all around
You rush away in haste
Scream my name, so far away
I know you can't complain
With my money, buy whiskey
Your diamond ring
Don't need your wuss a*s
to get me through this
I'm a k*ller machine
Yeah, it's Pflophaus
It's motherfuckin' Pflophaus
It's motherfuckin' Pflophaus
You know who the f*ck it is
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
I love sellin' crack,
I love sellin' crack
I love sellin' crack,
I love sellin' crack
b*tch
I love sellin' crack,
I love sellin' crack
I love sellin' crack,
I love sellin' crack
b*tch
Baby, throw it back
like I'm playin' rugby
Everybody love me
like I'm Bill Cosby
Can't nobody rob me
I'm in the lobby
Like I'm, like I'm
like I'm, like I'm
Like I'm who that dude
that's be in, uh
Suite Life of Zack & Cody
Mr. Moseby
I love sellin' crack,
I love sellin' crack
I love sellin' crack,
I love sellin' crack
I love sellin' crack,
I love sellin' crack
I love sellin' crack,
I love sellin' crack
I'ma live forever
like I'm Kobe Bryant
24
I'm a giant, rawr
I'm a lion, rawr
I'm a tyrant
Uh, uh
I ain't lyin'
I love sellin' crack,
I love sellin' crack
I love sellin' crack,
I love sellin' crack
b*tch
I love sellin' crack,
I love sellin' crack
I love sellin' crack,
I love sellin' crack
I love sellin' crack,
I love sellin' crack
I love sellin' crack,
I love sellin' crack
I love sellin' crack,
I love sellin' crack
I love sellin' crack,
I love sellin' crack
I'm bringin' crack back
I'm bringin' crack back
I'm bringin' crack back
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