01x08 - Marsiversary

[bunniefuu]

We're all seekers, right?

I mean, that's why
we got involved

in this crazy thing
in the first place.

We're all looking for
that next frontier.

For some, it's California,
for others, it's this colony.

And, hey, for a few?
It's something beyond.

Wait, we're not talking
about Jupiter here, are we?

"Jupiters-lee"
doesn't have

quite the same ring
to it.

When I stop and actually think

about what we've accomplished
in the past 30 years,

it's just like...

That being said, none of
this could've happened

without the enormous
sacrifices of these rock stars.

Uh, how do we
make this... less?

I can speed it up.

It's more of a
symbolic list, right?

Yes, what is it?

You're f*cking kidding me.

What kind of equipment?

God Jesus f*ck!

I mean, who you got
watching the store down here,

Geordi La-f*cking-Forge?

It's not like this stuff just
walked itself out of here.

Ah, sh*t.

Brando!
That's so weird!

I was just trying to call you.

Hey, Dare, just
got off the phone

with our security chief,

who said you put
some lunatic named

Trevor Sullivan in charge
of the investigation.

He also said a bunch of new
equipment was stolen overnight.

What? No, no it's fine.

I'm actually here with
one of our guys and,

truth be told, my
money's on a miscount.

Some bad bookkeeping.
My money's on you

ignoring my very clear
instructions to you.

And now?

We have the makings of a
f*cking coup on our hands.

Well, I don't... I don't
know if this rises to the...

Dare. Dare? to the
point of it being a...

Dare. Something to, uh...

Dare, bud, it's over, okay?

You were charged with
managing a problem,

and that problem has escalated

into a colossal
f*cking liability.

It's over. Time to punch out.

Will do, boss.

Listen, truth be told,
I think we both know

I never really had the belly
for this security stuff.

Better to mosey on
back to the desk

and focus on the big picture.

Business. Commerce. Ideas...

No, Dare. Let me be clear.

You are being let
go. Wait, wh-what?

And tell that grease monkey
Sullivan to stand down!

Wait, wait, Brandon, Brandon!

Ah, sh*t.

Hey! Where the f*ck
is Trevor Sullivan?

♪ Oh, Danny boy, the pipes ♪

♪ The pipes are callin' ♪

♪ From glen to f*ck'... ♪

Uh-oh!

Please, oh, please,
please something to eat.

Please.

Stand down, men.

Today I cannot give you food,
but I can give you honor.

Aah! Ow!

Dah!

Oh, no. Oh!

Ay!

Jesus these rats... Will
you listen to those things?

Better hit the switch.

God...

Metal-legged freak
thinks he got rid of me.

The party ain't
f*cking over yet.

I understand you "had a fright,"

Hubert, but I think
it's time to leave.

Fright?! Dear girl.

Like it or not, I
was almost m*rder*d!

Hubert, I shouldn't
have to explain this.

None of us can risk
being seen together.

You need to leave my
f*cking apartment.

She said, menacingly, to her
injured comrade in need of aid.

Who's checking password?
You're going to just let me in?

Leaves!

My adrenals are shot and
you bring me roughage?

I will not stand for this!

Ah...

Oh... no...

Oh...

f*ck...

Aah!

Me!

Ohh.

f*ck!

Heh heh, whoa!

Is something funny?

Uh, I don't... What's your name?

Greg? You're
f*cking fired, Greg.

Is that funny? Uh...

Uh... Uh...

Uh, uh, uh.

Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.

Oh, God, what is that smell?

Good morning, big boy.

Get the f*ck out of my chair.

You know it's against
IT security protocol

to leave passwords out.

Oh, Mary! Wh...
Is that rat piss?

But in this case,
it was for the best.

I took a little tour around
the personnel database.

Turns out there's
exactly one metal-legged

fat f*cking t*rror1st up here.

Hubert Danielson?

Founder of the Wine and Roses
society is the t*rror1st?

Correctamundo.

What's he terrorizing,
the God damn pastry case?

O-Okay, please, you got to stop.

I'm getting the pus
out of my lungs.

We got to f*ck' get this guy.

Let me break
something down to you.

You are a f*ck up, okay?

With a f*cked-up life.

And now you f*cked my life up.

So here's what I need you to do.

Get your ugly f*cking
alcoholic face out of here

and crawl back into whatever
pissed-soaked corner

of the colony you
came out of, okay?

Okay. Bye-bye.

It sounds like maybe
you want to let

these t*rror1st f*ck win.

Almost like you might
be one of them yourself.

Matter of fact...

maybe I should
k*ll you right now.

Whoa, whoa! Okay, all right.

Right, um, yeah, no,
l-let's go get Hubert.

All right, Sullivan, let's
make this nice and easy.

You son of a b*tch,
you set me up.

Aah!

Okay, bozos. You got me.

Now you just got to bring me in.

Okay. I'm done.

What is password?

The directive was to
stop stealing things.

The hell's going
on with you people?

No idea what you're
talking about.

I've just been here babysitting
the dumb-dumb twins all day.

There's reports of
more missing equipment,

this time from the hangar.

All this on top of Marsibration?

Marsiversary.

Marsiversary!

Apparently some guards
searched Hubert's quarters.

They are on our trail.
Are you kidding me?

That fiendish minuteman
is hunting me again!

Oh, Hosanna on high!

We need a better hiding
place for Hubert.

Di Wei, you seem to have
plenty of free time.

Can you find a place
for him on your farm?

No space! It's very full.

So many radish this harvest.

No more room for
Hubert. I'm sorry!

That wasn't a request,
it's a God damn order!

I've been sitting on this
board for over two decades.

That includes the
Magellan disaster,

the Jeremy Fagen incident, and
a whole host of other messes.

For the first time, Brandon,
I'm legitimately worried.

I mean, what is going on here?

Locusts? Expensive
assets going missing?

Mole people? Susan, Susan.

Do these mole people
have firearms?

Susan! There are
no mole people,

there are no mole
people with firearms.

All the missing equipment
is accounted for.

And the locusts, as I've
repeatedly explained,

were a part of the
experimental food program.

Uh, really, the only thing
we need to worry about

is whether tomorrow's event is
going to be too amazing, right?

Hey, I need some water.

Can I get a f*cking
water, please?

Slower, you hayseed!

Oof! My buns, man!

Please be cautious.

How could we let one
viper ruin everything?

It's like underneath
that bland veneer,

there's something truly cunning.

Evil.

He whips us into a
frenzy, convincing us

to hasten our timeline, and
then releases the locusts?

It's diabolical.

I am telling you, he is
just a graphic designer.

That's it.

Well, I guess, I just hope that
the main idea of this place,

you know, the
nucleus of it all...

Oh, my God, Jeff.

Tell me you had no
idea about this.

No, of course not.
Graphic designer.

That, my dear, is a viper.
You see, it's quite simple...

We are about to be
his next victim.

Something's not right.
This isn't Jeff.

This can't be Jeff.

Well, I'm just another
branch on the tree.

Listen, Hubert.
Listen to me carefully.

I have three hiding
options in my farm.

Option number one.

We put a cabbage leaf on
your head and bury you

to your neck in soil so
you appear as cabbage.

With the
hounds at the door,

I thought you'd be able to
suppress your foolishness.

- But alas.
- Silence.

Option Two.

We go to old tractor
that is missing engine,

we put you where the
engine used to be.

But whenever anyone
walks past you must go,

"Vroom, vroom," as engine.

And option three?

You stay here in root
cellar with the door closed.

I'm sure you can gather
which option I prefer.

Yes. Let me go
fetch cabbage leaf.

Big leaf for a very big boy!

Jeff?

Hello?

Where are you?

Oh, no.

Aah!

Huh?

Hey, lil fella.

Acquired.

Whoo! Yeah!

Let's f*ck' do this.

Mom! Look, Mars!
They're on Mars!

Wow! Pretty cool, bud.

Hey. You're Jeff's
friend, right?

Pfft. When he needs
something, yeah.

Well, I can't find him anywhere.

Can you see him from up there?

I left my as*h*le
glasses at home,

so, no, I don't see him.

It's important.

Check backstage.

You might find him in the
social-climbers section.

But my advice to
you... Steer clear.

Bro is toxic.

He'll break your heart.

Thanks. And...

I found this.

Aw, sh*t!

Hey, Dare, looking
a little put out.

Need a hug? Uh, you know what,

th-there's just a lot of serious
stuff going on right now,

above your pay grade.

Yeah, it's not all trust
falls and gold stars out here,

I'm afraid to say.

In fact, I've been
talking to Brandon

about another round of
budget cuts and, uh,

it's looking
like we may have to trim

some of the
Dreamspiration stuff.

Weird.

I wonder why he asked me to
introduce Falco and not you.

He knows I got more
important stuff to do.

Plus, you know, the
whole diversity thing.

It looks good having
a woman up there.

You know I did
actually get a chance

to talk to Falco, and
your name came up.

It did?

Yeah, he said to
say congratulations.

Uh, congratulations for what?

Oh, I thought you knew.

The results came in and
you won the competition

for world's dumbest f*ck.

Whatever. I got stuff
to do. I'm out of here.

Oh, yeah, like what, huh?

I know you got fired, Dare.

What are you even
doing back here?

Hey! It's okay
for me to be here!

Is it though?

Uh, yeah. It is, actually.

Whoa. Gentlemen.

Whoop-whoop! Pull
over. Pull over.

This is an actual emergency.

I need to confiscate all the
alcohol on the premises...

'cause it's time
to get f*cked up!

This little piggy gettin' lit.
This little piggy gettin' lit.

This little piggy gettin' lit.

This little piggy
ain't getting sh*t.

Yo, Dace. You get a double.

Hmm.

You think you can hide?

Not from me.

One step closer to the target.

One step closer to justice.

What? Who is it?

Who's there?

I go to Marsiversary now.

Would you like any hors
d'oeuvre from buffet?

M-Meat, cheese!

Anything but vegetables.

Okay, vegetable. You got it.

No! No! Anything but
vegetables, you twit!

Yes, I hear you loud and clear.

I bring you back a
nice, crunchy carrot.

Oh, my God...

Hey, my friends are back there.

We actually got separated,

so if there's any way
you could just let me in.

Mars. ly knows how
to party, am I right?

Oh, hell yeah!

I was supposed to meet someone
here but I don't see him.

Well, I see your a*s, and
you're lookin' pretty good.

Hey, any chance you're
heading back to VIP?

Room for one more?

There's always
room for one more.

Grab a VIP pass for my new VIP.

Where they been
hiding you anyway?

The bio labs

at the bottom of
building two, actually.

Bio lab, huh?

Maybe later we can do
a little experimentin'.

Yeah, maybe.

How we doing?

So far so good. 30
seconds to show time.

No surprises? No surprises.

f*ck yeah. Welcome
to the Marsiversary

30th interplanetary
all-hands broadcast.

Please give me a
warm Mars. ly welcome

to a Dreamspiration great
who needs no introduction,

our very own Reagan!

Ha-ha. Wow.

Here we are!

You know, when I look
out into this audience

I see a lot of
people I recognize.

You might call them coworkers.

Or friends. Sure.

But I prefer the term "family."

Why are we a family?

Well, we've got a lot in common.

We're bold. We
like to take risks.

We all have the same
favorite color... red.

We like to break stuff
that needs to be broken.

We got that Mars. ly swagger!

Keep on going.
Keep on going...

Tick tock, tick
tock, tick tock...

Keep on going.

Uh-oh...

Keep on going.
Keep on going...

There's a rabbit in the
garden, Farmer McGregor!

Keep on going.

Oh, dear.

The hell's wrong with you?

There's nothing under there.

Hey. Hey! I'm talking to you.

Please...

help me.

Oh, I'm gonna help you, big boy.

We're gonna help each other.

And now, the reason
why we're here.

He's the man with the plan-et.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Earthlings and Martians,

I give you Falco!

30 years, 30 years of us
being a multi-planet species.

Official citizens of the
mother-snoggin' universe.

Now how cool is that?

G'day all of yous

in sunny California
and around the world...

and g'day to all the
colonists up there on Mars.

It's a real sacrifice what
you're doing up there.

There's all these
beautiful waterfalls

and rivers down here.

Nah, I'm just pulling your leg.

I bet it's
brilliant up there

and I'll be joining you soon.

Don't worry, I just got to get

my fill of these
gorgeous beaches here,

and then I'll be
on the next one up!

Can I help you?

I'm looking for Jeff.
Have you seen him?

Actually, I have not.

And he better be
in hair and makeup

because he's on
in less than five.

Pick it up, fat
body. Hurry it on up.

Help... please...

This bandit has accosted me.

Keep on going. Keep on going.

Oh, God. Sorry.

Yo, science chick,
where'd you go?

Tee, I told you I met
a hot-a*s scientess!

So, science, that's
an interesting topic.

Tell me, how do
grasshoppers become locusts?

Hey, have you seen, Jeff?

Jeff? Are you f*cking
serious? I love Jeff.

Everything okay here, sir?

At ease, soldier.

You know, I actually built this
thing if you can believe it.

Yep.

I mean, it was based on a
prototype and everything,

but it's, uh...

Just make sure you
get home safe, sir.

A big thanks to
everyone down here,

up there, and everywhere else.

Especially my number two,
that little dildo, Brandon.

Where are you, mate?

Poor b*stard's like a
beaten dog, look at him.

Yeah, we had a good run,
didn't we, old girl?

And of course, none of
this would be possible

without Jesus Christ,
the Word of God

made flesh who redeemed man
by His death on the cross.

Ah, yes. And the
creative director.

So I wanted this celebration
to be 100% "made on Mars."

And, boy, did this guy deliver.

Look at this.

Is that... Is that...

Oh, man. The Tasmanian devil.

But that's not... That's
just my son playing a trick.

- It's a game we play.
- Hey, Dad saw Taz!

- We hide Taz.
- Hey, guys! Guys! Dad saw Taz!

Has anyone seen Jeff?

Where is Jeff Cooper?

Oh, sh*t, I actually ran
into playboy earlier.

Yeah, superstitious playa
was doing luck rituals

with his joojoos and sh*t.

Said he was gonna
rub Santa's belly.

Bloody beautiful work,
all those posters.

So, let's bring the artist up.

Jeff Cooper.

What are these pictures?

Where is that f*cking
music coming from?

Keep on going. Keep on going.

Give 'em hell, Sully.

Brandon, you think you
can shut that thing

the f*ck off, please?

Jax, a little boy
from central Florida

once told me the past can
be a prison if you let it.

About five clicks north
of the Beckett Crater,

there's an unusual
rock formation.

It's the kind of place
that has no memory.

No past.

The future is waiting.

You just got to
know where to look.

I could use a friend to help
me get my project on wheels.

Fireheart.

Brandon! Turn the f*ck off!

♪ Don't wanna wait
till tomorrow ♪

Fibo-nach.

How ya doing?

♪ One by one, little problems ♪

♪ Build up, and
stand in our way ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ One step ahead,
one step behind it ♪

Keep on going. Keep on going.
Keep on going. Keep on going.

Stop the show, I found
the f*cking t*rror1st!

Please, I beg you.
Do as the man says.

♪ Yesterday ♪

Brandon!

♪ Turn this thing around ♪

♪ Right now ♪

♪ Hey, it's your tomorrow ♪

♪ Right now ♪

♪ Come on, it's everything ♪

♪ Right now ♪

♪ Catch your magic moment ♪

♪ Let's do it right
here and now ♪

Stop the show!