02x09 - Enter Prophecy Duck

[bunniefuu]

[Hammering]

Shlub: God, I could trample
a whole village

with these bad boys.

Mwah.

Hippocampus: I did it.
Shlub: Did what?

Hippocampus: I captured
Prophecy Duck.

It took months of planning,

but I finally got
that slippery son of a b*tch.

Shlub: Why would you capture
Prophecy Duck?

He's a beloved oracle.

Hippocampus: 'Cause I've been
wanting to trap

and study an oracle.

Are their powers real,
or are they big, fake scams?

Shlub: Oracle powers
are very real.

Tyrannis:
Oh, my goodness. Hello.

Such a good, little duck,
one of the cutest ever.

Say, "Quack, quack."

Prophecy Duck: Quack.

Hippocampus:
Ty, stop petting Prophecy Duck.

Tyrannis: Prophecy Duck?

Hippocampus:
He's a traveling oracle.

I've been tracking
his movements for months,

and I finally managed
to trap him.

Tyrannis: An oracle?
I'm confused.

Aren't oracles
usually human women?

Shlub: Oh, so you don't think
monsters can be oracles?

Is that it?

Tyrannis: Are ducks
even monsters?

Shlub: Yes.

Hippocampus: What's it like
being a bigot, Ty?

Tyrannis: Well... what? No.
I don't know how oracles work.

What do they do again,
predict the future?

Hippocampus:
Less that, more spout off

cryptic things
that could happen.

I'm gonna prove it's a scam.

Shlub: Not a scam.

When an oracle tells you
something will happen, it does,

like when the oracle
at Delphi told me

I'd get into cliff diving...
ha ha ha! and indeed I did.

Tyrannis: Ha. Whatever you say.

Prophecy Duck: Quack.
Quack quack quack quack quack.

Tyrannis: Was that a prophecy?
Was it good?

Hippocampus: Dad,
you speak duck, right?

What was Prophecy Duck's
oracle prediction?

Shlub: When the black cat
prances by,

the moon hangs high in the sky,

and a pig's vomit is nigh,

a rival king rises,
and you shall fall.

Wowser. That's a spicy prophecy.

Tyrannis: Spicy?

It sounds like it's talking
about me being overthrown.

Shlub: Well, that's what gives
it it's a-spice.

[Theme music playing]

Men: ♪ Huh!

♪ Huh! Huh!

♪ Huh huh huh!

♪ Whoo!

Tyrannis: So, what, a rival king
is going to overthrow me?

Hippocampus: Careful, Ty.

You know the Talus story, right?

Tyrannis: Talus?

The guy who was told by
an oracle that he would drown,

so he tried to teach himself
how to breathe underwater

and subsequently drowned?

Hippocampus: Talus' mistake
was listening to the oracle

in the first place.

All this oracle stuff works
on the power of suggestion.

Once someone puts
a thought in your head,

it's hard to get rid of it,
plus oracles like to say stuff

that'll make you act crazy
and stir up drama

so you keep coming back
for more advice.

It's their business plan.

Tyrannis: Wow. You're right.

Those oracles
are clearly a scam,

even the really cute ones.

Shlub: Your skepticism
is unbecoming,

and, if you don't
mind me saying, foul.

If Prophecy Duck says a rival

king is going to overthrow you,

then a rival king

is going to overthrow you.

Now give me those crumbs.

Daddy wants bread.

Hippocampus: Ty, a rival king
is not gonna overthrow you.

Listen. I monitor
all nearby city states

and their desire to k*ll us.

Tyrannis: Why?

Hippocampus: Because the world
is a cesspool of hate.

Read a vase once in a while.

Tyrannis: Fair point.

Hippocampus:
But, luckily for you,

no rival king thinks of you
as a threat.

A lot of them
haven't even heard of you.

Tyrannis: You could have
phrased it differently.

Hippocampus: Closest possible
threat is Asskill,

but you guys are cool, right?

Tyrannis: Yeah, totally cool,
and he's a true warlord,

and he's got the best
intel of all,

and I'm just gonna
double-check with him

about the whole
"no rival kings" thing, so...

Hippocampus:
Ty, don't visit him.

You're falling
right into the trap here.

This is how prophecies
come true.

Shlub: It's coming true
either way.

Stupendous: This is it,

the huge monster cave
deep in the dark forest.

You ready?

Deliria: I suppose.

Darling, I know you want us
to go on a big, fun adventure,

but have you considered
a small, easy cave

in the Forest of Mirth?

Stupendous: Nope.

It took a long time to get
you to agree to do this.

We're not changing the plan now.

Deliria: Agreements made drunk
hardly seem fair to enforce.

Stupendous: Then no agreement
from you would be enforceable.

Deliria: Well, if you say so,
then I suppose...

Stupendous: No. I'm holding you
to this. Equipment check.

Helmet, torch,
a can-do attitude.

Deliria; Mm, I have
none of those things.

Stupendous:
Zero out of 3 ain't bad.

Mm! Rrgh! Uh!

Deliria: We should
follow those bats.

Perhaps they're flying
to a jewelry store or a pool.

Stupendous: No. We're doing
a fun adventure...

Deliria: [Sighs]

Stupendous: plus... uh!

Deliria: What are you doing?

Stupendous: There's no monsters
in this cave.

I took us down here because I
wanted to have a heart-to-heart

and get something
off my chest...

Deliria: No.
Frantic animal exit.

Wuh! Ooh!

Stupendous: and every time I try
to ask you, you fly away.

Deliria: I do not.

Stupendous: Uh!

Deliria: I just fly away a lot.

If it happens to coincide with
you saying something irritating

and nonsensical and trying
to waste everyone's time,

then that's simply
a happy coincidence.

Stupendous: Nice try.

You can't escape this cave
without me,

so today we're going spelunking
and having a talk.

Deliria: Oh, all right.

[Babbling]

Stupendous: I got all day.

Deliria: Oh...

Tyrannis: So you're super sure?

Asskill: As sure
as can be, brother.

You're the only king nearby.

I've attacked
and eaten the rest.

Tyrannis: How wonderful,
no rival kings nearby.

Asskill: Except in my belly.
Ha ha ha!

This is now a time of peace.
I call it Pax Killassiana.

Tyrannis: That's
extremely catchy,

and I'm sure it will take off.

Thank you.

Asskill: You're leaving already?
Would you like some blood tea?

It's a delicacy.

Tyrannis: I'm not much
of a tea drinker, but thanks.

Asskill: Suit yourself.

You like the bloodletting
too much.

It makes me uncomfortable.

Tyrannis: I knew there was
no reason to trust that duck.

Oh, what's this soft sensation?

Merchant: It's a silk rug, sir.

Tyrannis: Silk rug? Wow.

This is clearly
very high quality.

Merchant: Very perceptive
of you.

This is one of my finest
rugs available.

Tyrannis: Perhaps I should
buy this for the palace.

Merchant: Good call, sir.

That pattern and texture

will blend in perfectly
at your palace.

Tyrannis: I'll buy it.

I'll send some of my servants
to come pick it up later.

Merchant: Sounds good, sir.

Scott: You been to that
new rug merchant?

Truly unforgettable rugs.

Joshua:
Oh, man, they're the best.

There's a reason everyone calls
that merchant the Rug King...

Rug King... Rug King...
Rug King...

Rug King...
Rug King... Rug King...

Scott: Joshua, are you good?
Hello?

My friend keeps repeating,
"Rug King," for no reason. Help!

Man: Oh, my god!

Different man:
What's wrong with him?

Tyrannis: It's got to be just a
weird, dumb coincidence, right,

I mean, this guy
being called Rug King

right after I got
this "rival king" prophecy?

I mean, how would I get
overthrown by some merchant,

especially one who's
obviously so nice?

Hippocampus: Exactly.
It's nothing to worry about.

Tyrannis: It's just, people seem
to like him a lot, a lot a lot.

Hippocampus: Do you remember
what we talked about?

You have to stop fixating
on this prophecy.

Oracles aren't real.

I only had to study
Prophecy Duck for one afternoon

to determine he has
no real powers.

Now we're just hanging out.
He's staying for dinner.

He might be a phony,
but he has a great personality.

Prophecy Duck: Quack.

Shlub: You card, you.

By the way,
oracles are not phony,

and the prophecy
is going to come true.

Tyrannis: I'm not fixating
on the prophecy,

but you have to agree,
it's interesting.

A merchant who calls
himself a king?

Who does that?

Certainly an ambitious man...
that's for sure...

perhaps someone whose ambitions
rival mine.

"Rival." Oh!

Hippocampus: No.
Naughty. Stop it.

Tyrannis: What I should do,
and just as a precaution,

is make friends with the guy.

The prophecy says a rival king
will rise, and I will fall,

so if I make this guy
a friend king, I'm fine.

Hippocampus: I'm telling you,

you got to stop thinking
about the prophecy.

Tyrannis: I'm not thinking about
the prophecy anymore, Hippo.

I'm thinking about the Rug King

and how we're about to become
best friends.

I love friends.

Prophecy Duck: Quack.

Shlub: That's true,
Prophecy Duck.

Ha ha ha!

Stupendous: Oh, big crack ahead,
gotta jump. Uh!

"Jump," I said.

Deliria: Don't push it.

Stupendous: Jerky time.
Want any?

Deliria: Lizard jerky?
No, thank you.

Stupendous: Suit yourself.

So I've been mad
at you recently.

Deliria: Oh, for God's sake.

Stupendous: It started after
the battle against the cows,

the ones who walked
on their hind legs and...

Deliria: And were r*cist.
Right. I remember now.

Stupendous: It was a tough fight
against the cow army,

but when the time came to fight
their extremely hateful leader

Cowus Maximus, I noticed she...

yes, female cows
can be r*cist, too...

barely fought back.

She was extremely weak.

The whites of her eyes
had gone green,

and she was frothing
at the snout.

I had a hunch you did something
to weaken her

because you didn't
have faith in me.

Deliria: Oh, please.

Stupendous: Then the other day,
I was rummaging

through the dungeon trying
to find an old w*r hammer,

and that's when I found
a vial of cow poison

hidden away in there.

Deliria: Oh, my God!
I'm bored of this blather.

Is it any wonder I haven't
wanted to indulge in this?

It's the most tiresome thing
we could possibly talk about.

I'm off.

Stupendous: Mom...

[Creatures shriek]

Deliria: Stupendous, didn't
you say this cave was empty?

Shelly: Hey, Rug King,
we just wanted to say,

we bought a rug from you
a few months back.

Rug King: Yes. I remember...
the high-pile beige rug

for the baby's room.

Brutus: Great memory.

Well, our baby was trampled

by those feral goats
that used to live in town.

Rug King: So sorry to hear that.

Shelly: But your rug
was so plush,

she might actually be OK
eventually, it seems like,

and it's held up well
since then, too.

Brutus; So we just wanted
to say thank you.

Take care, King.

Tyrannis: "Take care, King."
No one's ever said that to me.

Oh, remember,
we're on a friend mission.

Become his friend.
But how to befriend a stranger?

Hmm, Shlub is good at this.
What would Shlub do?

[Deep voice]
Why, it's the Rug King. Hello.

Rug King: Oh, hello,
King Tyrannis.

Tyrannis: How wonderful
to see you again.

It's your lucky day.

You're joining me for drinks
at the tavern.

Kevin: Special for you,
Rug King.

This one's completely
urine-free.

[Snap]

Tyrannis: You go out much?

I bet you're a man
about town, a jaunty fellow.

Rug King: Well, no.

If I'm being honest,
social stuff makes me nervous.

You know, I love to talk rugs,
but, well, this is my first time

hanging out away from the shop
in a long time.

[Normal voice] No way.
You're so beloved.

Rug King: That's sweet,
but, no, I'm... I'm a shy guy.

I get overwhelmed by
all the people here sometimes.

Sometimes I think
about quitting the biz

and moving far away
to become a farmer.

Tyrannis: No. You shouldn't.

Rug King: Thanks, King Ty.

It feels good to be open
about my anxieties.

Well, I better
get back to the shop.

I've got rugs to sell.
See you later, bud.

Tyrannis: This changes
everything.

Kevin: Sorry. I accidentally
gave you the wrong mug.

That mug was 100% urine.

Tyrannis: Why?

Kevin: I don't have time
to explain.

[Sizzling]

Tyrannis: Great news, everyone.

I identified the Rug King's
main weakness... social anxiety.

Hippocampus: I thought you were
gonna become friends with him,

not identify his weaknesses.

Tyrannis: No. Yeah. Sure.
I mean, I didn't mean weakness.

I meant we're friends now, and
because of that, the Rug King

happened to reveal a solution
to our prophecy problem.

Long story short,
we're throwing him a gala.

Shlub: A gala?
I'll put on my bowtie.

Hippocampus: This sounds
like a lot of work

when you could be doing
what I would do

in your situation... nothing.

Tyrannis: Then I wouldn't be
creating an opportunity

to overwhelm him
so he leaves the city,

which sounds bad,
but it's a perfect plan,

and it's best for both of us.

Don't judge me.

Other kings have done way worse

than a last-minute gala
for a carpet merchant.

Hippocampus: You know,
I might be a skeptic

about the whole oracle thing,
but at this point,

I'm just gonna let him
keep following this path.

Shlub: I'm glad
you've come around.

Prophecy Duck:
Quack quack quack.

Shlub: You're right,
Prophecy Duck.

Let's all wear bowties
to the gala.

Stupendous: If we move quietly
and work together,

we can avoid whatever creatures
made those shrieks.

Deliria: Gods shouldn't
have to tiptoe.

Stupendous: Huh! Uh!

Mom, where are you?

Deliria: Up here,
but if you're behind me,

whose foot did I just step on?

Creature: [Shrieks]

[Shrieks]

Deliria: Interesting.

Maybe they're friendly.

Well, I appreciate the honesty.

Stupendous: Run! Stick with me.
The exit's closed.

Deliria: Are you going
to k*ll them or not?

Do you need me
to weaken them first?

I would assume
I'm not allowed to help.

Stupendous: Oh, now you
want to talk about it?

Shlub: Have you seen these?

Little flatbread rugs
with fringe.

Tyrannis: Look at him
over there,

sweating in the corner,
talking to no one,

and it's not mean
because living on a quiet farm,

so much better for him,
my friend the rug farmer,

Farmer King, just a farmer.

Shlub: And these experimental
rugs he brought,

this one's an optical illusion.

It's shocking.
The man is so creative.

Prophecy Duck: Quack.

Tyrannis: Time to rip off
the poultice.

[Tap tap]

Hear, hear. We're gathered here
today to celebrate...

Uh, excuse me. Hello?
Why are you doing that here?

This gala is to celebrate
the accomplishments and career

of a man we've all come to love.

We know that
I'm the king, of course,

but this Rug King
has somehow stolen

the hearts and minds
of the people of Krapopolis.

He might seem shy,
but he practically begged me

to let him come up here
and give a speech

to all of you right now.

Isn't that right, Rug King?

Rug King: Hmm? Uh...

Oh, gosh, uh, public speaking
is my worst fear.

Tyrannis: What?
That's a silly fear.

Becoming overthrown,
now, that's a fear.

Come on. Speech!

Crowd: Speech, speech, speech,
speech, speech, speech!

Rug King: Sorry. I'm nervous.
I've never made a speech before.

Tyrannis: Oy, the guy's a goner.

I feel a little bad,
but, again, it's for the best.

Rug King: I've never
made a speech,

but I have made a rug,

and a community can be
kind of like making a rug.

A rug is made up of individual
threads brought together

by a series
of techniques and tools.

I like to think the sweet,
kind people of Krapopolis

are those threads.

The techniques, well,
those are our love of community,

the tools the feeling you get

when you give someone a hug
who needs one.

Scott: I've never
thought of it that way.

Rug King: The city itself, well,
that's the completed rug.

When one thread pulls loose,

the whole thing starts
to unravel,

and that is what makes
Krapopolis so wonderful.

All the threads
protect each other...

Tyrannis: That's not even true.
Everyone hates each other.

Rug King: and I'm
not one to curse,

but... doggone it... this city
is worth fighting for.

Scott: Wow. He's displaying
natural leadership skills.

Joshua: He'd never ask me to,
but I'd die for him.

Hell, I'd even
k*ll myself for him.

Scott: Do you want someone
to ask if you're OK?

Joshua: I do. That's the power
of the Rug King.

Crowd: Rug King!
Rug King! Rug King!

Tyrannis: No.
This is all going wrong.

How could this be happening?

Shlub, voice-over:
When the black cat prances by,

the moon hangs high in the sky,

and a pig's vomit is nigh...

Tyrannis: Phew.
It's supposed to be a pig.

Shlub, voice-over:
you shall fall.

Tyrannis: No!

Joshua: Rug King...
Rug King... Rug King...

Scott: My friend
keeps repeating, "Rug King,"

for no reason.

Tyrannis: You think
you're the king?

I'm the only king in town...
me, King Ty.

Rug King? That's lunacy.
You want to be king?

You really think
you can handle it?

You can't handle the heat.

Rug King: Uh, Ty, are you OK?

Tyrannis: Am I OK?
How insulting.

Guards, it's time.

Lock the king
in the tower right now,

and no matter what anyone says,
whoever's saying it,

and no matter how reasonable
it might sound,

don't let him out.

Crowd: Rug King! Rug King!

Tyrannis: OK. I probably
should have been more specific

with my words, or perhaps less,
but this is a big mistake.

Please, Prophecy Duck.

I did everything possible
to stop your prophecy.

I want a new one.

Prophecy Duck: Quack.

Shlub: He said no.

Well, let's head
back to the gala.

Prophecy Duck's friend
Party Duck

was about to teach us
how to do a sloppy keg stand.

Tyrannis: There's a duck
for everything now.

Hippocampus: Bigot!

Shlub: Do we go back up there
and hit him?

Prophecy Duck: Quack.

Shlub: You're more mature
than I, Prophecy Duck.

You're right.
We're better than that.

Tyrannis: Yecch.
Shut up already.

Prophecy Duck:
Quack quack quack quack.

Hippocampus: OK.
That's it. Let's hit him.

[Footsteps]

Tyrannis: [Whimpers]

Stupendous: Huh huh huh... huh!

Deliria: You want me to say I
poisoned the r*cist cow general?

Stupendous: I want you
to say why.

Deliria: I am sick of having
to watch your battles

from the sidelines.

You never let me
offer any input.

It's like you don't trust me.

Stupendous: Whoa, whoa. I trust
you, but w*r is my thing.

You can't just sneak in
and poison the battle cattle.

It almost feels
like you don't trust me.

Deliria: Whoa. Ultimately,
I'm the victim here,

the amount of racial invective
I had to listen to.

You wouldn't believe
what those cows were saying

about the Macedonians,

not entirely off base,
I'll grant them that.

[Creatures shrieking]

Stupendous:
The bridge. What do we do?

Deliria: Ugh, follow my lead.

Huh! Uh!

Stupendous: Aww.

Deliria: Yes, yes.
I'm playing along now.

Stupendous: Oh. I was awwing
the monkey, but aww.

Huh! Huh! Uh!

Deliria: Huh! Uh!

Stupendous: Look at us,
working together.

Deliria: Oh, shut up.
Is that the exit up ahead?

Stupendous: Huh! Uh!
Wow. We made it.

Deliria: I assume you hate me

after the whole cow thing,
though.

Is at the end
of our relationship?

Stupendous: What? No.
I feel amazing.

Deliria: You do? Why?

Stupendous: I'm still mad.
You shouldn't do what you did.

It makes battle unfair,
but I thought you poisoned her

because you didn't think
I could beat the cows,

and now I know
it's because you wanted

to get in on the fun
and feel listened to.

Deliria: I mean, I guess.

Stupendous: Thanks, Mom.

Deliria: Wow, so it was
that easy the whole time?

That's all I needed to do,
say some words?

Stupendous: Yep.

I'm kind of glad
we went down there, though.

We finally talked, and we
had an amazing adventure.

Deliria: Well, I was about
to seal off this entrance,

but now I vow to protect the
cave and its little monsters.

We can come here whenever
you need to talk at me...

I mean, to me.

Stupendous: Thanks, Mom.
Let's go home.

Deliria: Not now, wendigos.

Wendigo: [Whimpers]

Tyrannis:
This is where I belong.

Prophecy Duck's oracle
prediction came true,

and it should have.

I don't deserve to be king.

Guard: Sir, what
are those tallies?

It's barely been a day.

Tyrannis: Tallies?

Guard: You have a visitor.

Rug King: Hi, King.

Tyrannis: Don't look at me!
Stop looking at me.

Rug King: How's it going
up here?

Tyrannis: Oh, why are you
so nice after what I did?

Well, you overthrew me.

I'm overthrown,
and I deserve it.

I deserved to drink urine.

Rug King: Huh?

Tyrannis: Here.
You can even have my crown.

Take it, Rug King.

[Crown bounces away]

You can get it on the way out.

Rug King: Sir, I don't know
what you think is happening,

but I don't want
to overthrow you.

I don't want to be king.

Rug King was just a nickname,
a marketing trick,

plus we're friends.

Tyrannis: But the prophecy.

Tyrannis: I wasn't prepared
for that big gala,

but it finally
helped me overcome

my fear of public speaking.

I was always so scared of it,
and you stepped up as a friend

and helped me realize
I can do it.

I don't have to be
afraid of other people...

Tyrannis: Wow.
That's actually beautiful.

Rug King: so now
I have no reason

to ever stop being
a rug salesman.

I don't want to run away
and become a farmer anymore.

I love my life in Krapopolis,
so thank you.

You're a good king
with a good heart

who pulled me up
when I was at my lowest,

so I'm gonna do
the same for you... free you.

Tyrannis: Really?

Rug King: Not sure I have
the jurisdiction to free you

since you're the king

and actually locked
yourself in here.

It's kind of a riddle almost.

No one knows what to do,
but everyone seems to like me,

so I think they'll let me do it.

Tyrannis: Wow.

To think all this happened
because of a prophecy.

Prophecy Duck: Quack.
Quack quack quack quack quack.

Tyrannis: Right.

Person: Bento.
[Cheering]

He wasn't the king
who overthrew me. I was.

I tricked myself
into a paranoid frenzy

and then locked myself
in the tower.

I don't even know if it was
Hippo or Shlub who was right,

but either way, wow,
learning moment.

Agh! Ooh! Uh! Ow!

Ooh! Oh! Uh! Ow! Uh! Ooh! Oww!

Shlub: That is so true
about women. Ha ha ha!

Hippocampus: Ha ha ha!

It's got all the fun
of something super offensive,

and yet I wouldn't mind being
quoted saying it in any context.

You're really something,
Prophecy Duck.

Prophecy Duck: Quack.

Tyrannis: Well, I certainly
learned my lesson.

Prophecy Duck,
I owe you an apology.

I tried to outsmart
your oracle prediction,

but in the end, I'm the one
who made it all come true,

so basically, props.

Prophecy Duck: Quack.

Shlub: Wow.
Prophecy Duck just predicted

that some thousands
of years from now,

your descendants
will be able to purchase

a Prophecy Duck stuffed animal
from a fox, no less.

That is if I'm
understanding correctly.

Prophecy Duck:
Quack quack quack.

Shlub: He said
if they don't buy many

such Prophecy Duck
stuffed animals,

then they too shall fall.

Tyrannis: Fall like
down the stairs, I suppose.

Prophecy Duck:
Quack quack quack quack.

Shlub: I'm afraid not.

Civilization
itself shall crumble.

All that is valued
shall be lost.

The seas shall boil,
and the earth shall split.

Hippocampus: Thousands of years
from now, he said?

Shlub: That's right.

Tyrannis: All right. Phew.

Not really our problem,
then, is it?

Shlub: Don't see
how it would be.

To Prophecy Duck.

Tyrannis and Hippocampus:
To Prophecy Duck.

Dan Harmon:
Did you get any of that?

Voice: Bento.