02x12 - Baby Boom

[bunniefuu]

Shlub: Did you all see this?

A two-headed creature bristling

with penes was born.

Hippocampus: Yes! All
right! Tyrannis: Dad, I think

you're reading that wrong.
It's two women embracing.

Shlub: Ah, yes, I think
I can see that, too.

-Why were you so excited?
-Zero reason.

Keep drinking the
well water, everybody.

Stupendous: Oh, it's an ad
for Aphrodite's Fertility Festival.

It's gonna be huge.

Deliria: Aphrodite
has festivals now?

I remember when she
was just a kid in a shell,

goddess of sea foam.
No one cared about her

until she took her clothes off.

Stupendous: I mean,
she's hot as hell, Mom.

Deliria: Try being hot
with your clothes on.

Now, that takes work!

She used to be quite
a bit heavier, you know.

Shlub: Don't make me
hornier than I already am.

Deliria: So she's built an entire
cult around love and fertility,

just by shaking her
little a*s around town.

God, I wish I'd thought of that.

Stupendous: "The price of
admission is one woman."

Deliria: Well, that
settles it. I'll take you.

-To a festival?
-Yes, I need

to study Aphrodite's game
and hate her from closer.

Stupendous: But it's a fertility
festival. I'm not trying to have a baby!

Deliria: Of course you
aren't! It's a death sentence!

Just stay by me, and if
anyone tries to talk to you

about the tides or
"tearing," just plug your ears

and scream until
you can't hear them.

Tyrannis: Well, fellas, looks like
it's another classic "boys' day."

-Aren't you 29?
-"Men's day!"

You know what I mean:
When the cat's away,

the mice will play.
Shlub: Are we mice now?

I thought he said
we were children.

-Yeah, I'm lost.
-I'm just trying to say

the three of us can
hang out together.

Hippocampus: Oh...we
sorta made plans.

-Oh, give me a break.
-We're going to the bathhouse.

Hippo: We didn't invite you,
because we know how much

you hate public nudity. Ty:
Where did you get that from?

Shlub: Specifically?

From you wearing a
shirt under your toga.

Tyrannis: This is a style
choice and I would love

to join you two
at the bathhouse.

Hippo: It's very far. And you
have to know somebody to get in.

-I know you two.
-Mmm, yes, I suppose.

OK, then. Kolax: Hey, boss,

got time for a quick
meet and greet

with Krapopolis'
oldest living woman?

She's 37.

Tyrannis: Ew. Can it wait?

Kolax: Well, she is 37.

You tell me.

[Theme music playing]

[Male singers chanting]

Whoo!

[Fanfare playing]

Connie: Welcome
to Aphrodite Fest,

where women can
relax, uplift each other,

eat normal, and
let go of our farts.

[Farts]

Deliria: Time to see
how this scam artist

paints her scam canvas.

Her "scamvas." [Chuckles]

Stupendous: Mom,
Aphrodite Fest is supposed

to be about women
supporting women.

You should be complimenting her.

Deliria: I'm being
petty and jealous.

What greater compliment
can a woman pay?

Vendor: Cucumber water?
Mud mask? Real orgasm?

Vendor 2: Dove
blood. Dove blood!

Women: Ooh! Connie:
Ladies and ladies,

the goddess you've
been waiting for!

[Fanfare playing]

Aphrodite: Where are
my little baby-makers?

[Women screaming]
Woman: She's here!

Aphrodite: Welcome
to Aphrodite Fest!

Where women can women,
however women women!

Quick announcement.
There's been some shoving

at the massage chair
station. Please wait your turn.

And remember, it's just a chair.

You don't have to
take off your underwear.

Please stop taking
off your underwear.

OK, what's your name, beautiful?

Woman: Lucy.
Aphrodite: Well, Lucy,

What do you want more
than anything in the world?

Stupendous: That's obvious.
A slingshot strong enough

to knock a hole in the sky.

-A baby!
-Weird choice.

Aphrodite: Well, Lucy, have
you been praying to me?

Lucy: Every night!
And, oh, here, I brought

a gold bracelet, passed down
in my family for generations.

Deliria: Jewelry?! I'm lucky

if I can get my followers
to k*ll a squirrel for me!

Lucy: I hope the
ruby isn't too big.

Aphrodite: It's not my style,
but I have some frumpy swans

back at my temple
who this might fit.

Lucy, the goddess Aphrodite
has heard your prayers.

You know I'm all about love,

you know I sleep in a shell,

but did you know
I can do thiiiiiiis?

[Women gasp]
Woman: She's pregnant!

Aphrodite: That's
right. I'm offering

fast-track pregnancies to


[All clamoring]

You could get pregnant
and you could get pregnant

and you could get pregnant!

Woman: Hey, you're spitting
kind of a lot of dove blood on us.

Stupendous: I hope
you didn't buy that here.

I have a ton of
dove blood at home.

Hippo: Ty, you really
sure you want to go in?

It's super stuck-up in there,
and you're so down to earth.

Shlub: Exactly.
The people's king,

going to a hoity-toity
bathhouse?

Tyrannis: You know I love
all things both hoity and toity.

[Gasps] You two don't want
to spend time with me, do you?

-It's not that! It's not that at all!
-No, no, no, no, no!

Tyrannis: Then
prove it. OK, first of all,

not everyone's
nude, so I just did

all those quick
push-ups for nothing.

Second, this place
is hardly exclusive.

For God's sake, Scott
is here. Scott: Found it!

Found my false tooth!
Thanks, everybody!

Tyrannis: Third, it's so steamy in
here, no one's even gonna know

you're with me, so can
you please explain why

you two didn't want me
here? Hippo: No reason.

I mean, we didn't
not want you here,

but maybe we should
head to the dry sauna.

What do you
think? I'm foggin' up.

Tyrannis: Not yet. I'm
enjoying this, and Dad's

not done sweating out
all his breakfast cheese.

Shlub: I'm like a big brie.

Man: I just think a
wheat monoculture

is going to
economically ruin us.

We need to diversify
our crop yield.

Man 2: And destroy the
tens of jobs the wheat industry

has created? Ty:
This place is incredible.

People are having civil,
meaningful conversations

about the future of this city.
Man: Well, no matter what we do,

a city is only as
strong as its leader,

and in that realm,
we're screwed!

-What's this now?
-Always comes back to King Ty.

Shlub: Perhaps we should
head to the room where they

beat us with
horrible, rough twigs.

Man: Let's be honest.
It's half the reason we

come here, to make fun
of that spindly twerp. Ha ha!

Man 3: Highlight of
my week. Shlub: Ty?

Stupendous: Do you
mind? I don't need a prize,

I just can't walk past a hammer
and not pound something.

Deliria: Oh, knock yourself out.

I'm going to go and
check out Stage 3.

Apparently, there's an
oracle who can only predict

the exact day your butt will go.

[Stupendous grunts]

[Ding, baby doll squeaks]

Woman: Stupendous! Is that you?

Stupendous: Tina! Iris!
Cora! Man, I haven't seen

you three since Battle
Belles Sleepaway Camp!

Sorry again about
beheading your fourth friend

during training, by
the way. Cora: It's cool.

Samantha was dead weight.

Stupendous: So what are
you three badasses doing

at this gross-a*s
Fertility Festival?

Iris: Hey, this festival
changed the course of our lives

for the better. Cora:
Yeah, even more than

Samantha's beheading.
Stupendous: Wait.

Are you...moms?

Tina: Proud ones!
And now we travel

with the Fest with
our little miracles.

Stupendous: No way.
How do you balance it all?

You know, being badass
warriors and goodass moms?

Tina: We're actually better warriors
because of our mom-ly desires

to give our kids better,
more aggro lives.

Stupendous: That's really sweet.

Tina: So you must want kids,
too, if you're here, eh, Stupe?

Stupendous: Well, I'm actually not
sure. Most days, I'm like, "Nawww,"

and then some days,
I'm like, "Chawww?"

Cora: We were all pretty
nawww chawww for a while, too.

Tina: But not only can
kids avenge your death

if something happens to you...

Cora: But they'll
carry on your legacy.

Iris: And you're the greatest
warrior of all time, Stupendous.

Your legacy is everything!

Stupendous: I guess
that makes some sense.

Cora: Well, gal-pal, you
have to start the process now.

We warriors get hit in the
vag so much during battle,

we need all the help we
can get. Y'know, down there.

See ya at the ceremony!
Deliria: What kind of idiot

would want to buy something
simply so they can let

everyone know they
once went to a festival?

Like this isn't going to end up

in the free bin at the
secondhand agora.

It's a brilliant scam,
I'll give her that.

Stupendous: What if I told you
I'm considering having a baby?

Deliria, chuckling: Oh,
Stupendous, please!

I laughed hard enough at the
crying women at the a*s oracle!

What? Why do you look like that?

Why are you cradling that
hammer like it's a baby?

Stupendous: Because...I
think I want one.

A baby, not a hammer. But I do
want the hammer, too, so back off!

Welcome, ladies.
My name is Connie.

Prospective mothers, please,

gather round. Don't be shy.

After all, giving birth

is not a shy activity.
You will defecate

in front of everyone,
and probably die.

[Laughter] Deliria: Since when

do you want children?

Stupendous: Since this morning.
My old camp friends told me

how fulfilling their lives
are as warrior moms.

Deliria: Your
life is fulfilling!

I've seen the smile on your face
when you rip a foe's heart out.

Stupendous: You seem to be
doing a lot of telling me what I want,

and not a lot of
listening to Connie's

important-sounding poop speech.

Connie: You've all made
the brave decision to pursue

Aphrodite's blessing
and become mothers.

Give yourselves a
pat on the stomach.

[Women laugh]

Broseidon: Oh, yeah!
Pat those stomachs!

Deliria: Broseidon, what
on earth are you doing

at a woman's Fertility Festival?

Broseidon: I misread the
urn, but am I ever glad I did!

Connie: Now, remember,
tributes are great,

but there's only one way to
be truly ready to have a baby,

and that's to buy lots of
Aphrodite-approved infant

and pre-infant products,
not just for yourself,

but for mommy-curious
friends, cousins,

neighbors, and acquaintances.

Only when Aphrodite sees

you're prepared
will she bless you.

[Cheering and applause]
Deliria: And there it is!

The con. You don't need
all that stuff to have a baby!

All it takes is a drunk
hookup and a high tolerance

for a few decades
of inconvenience.

Vendor: Want to show you
have what it takes to bear

the pain of childbirth?
Stupendous: Do I!

Deliria: Stupendous, listen
to me. You don't want this.

Now, I don't know if
you've been tricked

or if you're trying
to prove yourself or--

Stupendous: I don't
need to prove myself.

That's what these
cannons are for.

Deliria: What about
your independence?

You can kiss that good-bye,
and your battle focus?

You don't want to be in the
middle of bludgeoning someone

and worrying
about the babysitter.

Stupendous: Why do you care
so much? Just 'cause you barely

wanted to be a mom doesn't
mean it's not right for me.

Deliria: You're only
here because of me!

And I mean both in general
terms and the festival, specifically.

I practically dragged you
here! Again, in both cases!

Stupendous: Are you gonna
start this thing or what?!

Vendor: Oh, it's been
maxed out for a while.

Stupendous: Dang. I thought I
was finally gonna experience "pain."

Tyrannis: What the hell!
Why were those guys

so comfortable talking
about me like that?

Hippo: I think everyone
has found this is a place

to air their
grievances in safety.

They figured you'd never
come, 'cause of the nudity.

Tyrannis: So people specifically
come here to talk trash,

specifically about me?
Shlub: Don't take it personally.

-It's about me, personally!
-Well, that's the stuff

you really have to
not take personally.

I wouldn't be surprised if you
talked about me behind my back.

-Yes, but you're ridiculous!
-We did try to protect you

from it, Ty. Let's
get outta here.

Tyrannis: No. If there's a
place in town where people want

to talk about me, I'm
glad I know about it.

And I've got a thing
or two to say to them.

Hippo: Ty! No!

Tyrannis: Attention,
bathhouse trash-talkers!

Man: Oh, no! King
Tyrannis is here?

Tyrannis: Look, I know
you've been coming here

to say bad things about me.

Well, if anybody's
going to criticize me,

it might as well be the
cruelest me-critic around...me!

And by the way, I realize
that that in itself is pathetic.

If I didn't recognize pathetic,
I'd be baffled every time

I looked in the
mirror. [Laughter]

Shlub: Oh, dear.
What is he doing?

Hippo: He's attempting
to disarm these men

with nothing but
his own self-loathing.

Tyrannis: It's actually kind of
a relief to open up about this.

You're annoyed having me
as king. Imagine being me.

You at least could leave
the city. I'm stuck here!

[Laughter] Man: Keep going!

-Do something about your ears!
-Or your boring speeches!

-Or the bedwetting!
-Thanks, but I've got this, Dad.

Aphrodite: Mah! Bah! Vah!

Pan's playful Pegasus pranced
proudly past Poseidon's palace.

Deliria: Oh, very good,
you've got your "puh" sound.

-Hey, you can't be in here!
-That's all right, Mirror Girl.

You're free to go.
Deliria, it's been ages.

Where have you been?
Deliria: Oh, well, you know,

kicked off Olympus and all that.

-You weren't "kicked off."
-Yes, I was.

Aphrodite: Yeah, you were,
but you've been so brave about it.

I have so much respect for you.

Deliria: And I you. You've
really outdone yourself.

Reproduction, such
an interesting theme.

All the fun of sex,
just without--you know,

all the fun of sex.
Consequences only.

Aphrodite: And what brings you
here? Mortal children gone already?

They grow up and
die so fast, don't they?

Deliria: Look, I need you
to not pick my daughter

for your grand pregnancy
ceremony-charade.

-Oh? Why's that?
-She's actually buying into

whatever it is you're
selling. Aphrodite: Selling?

This is my passion, Deliria.

It is the result of hard
work and determination.

Deliria: Oh, come off it.
It's another way for you

to get followers
and sell baby crap.

Aphrodite: For someone asking
for a favor, you sure are flailing.

Deliria: Flailing?
I'm not the one

who's putting my
own face on a nappy!

Aphrodite: You know,
maybe I just will pick

your stupid daughter.

Deliria: She may be stupid,

but not stupid enough
to go through with this!

Aphrodite: Well, it's
her choice, isn't it?

So I guess we'll
just have to see.

Deliria: Yes, we will!

Aphrodite: Zeus zapped
zephyrs zealously,

as Hera hatched heavenly havoc.

Tyrannis: And it's like,
if I wanted Krapopolis

to have a zoo so badly, I
should've made the walls

of the lion enclosure
taller. [Laughter]

Man: That lion k*lled my sister!

Tyrannis: And don't even
get me started on my fears.

I'm scared of everything:
drowning, choking,

heights, depths, not
knowing the difference

between a dress and a
skirt. Is it the material?

And obviously, my
biggest fear of all,

I'm scared of
people not liking me.

I think it stems
from my childhood.

Anytime I would cry, my mother
would turn me into a rabbit.

Why, you ask?
Because rabbits don't

have tear ducts,
so they can't cry.

And I remember thinking, as
I nibbled on hay and dropped

fecal pellets, that maybe my
mom didn't like me very much.

[Man coughs] Shlub:
Ha ha ha ha ha!

Hippo: All right, Ty, this is
maybe getting a little sad.

Tyrannis: You want sad?
Last week, I found a gray hair,

and it got me so depressed,

I couldn't leave
my bed for 3 days.

Then I got sad for having
wasted so much time being sad

about something so
trifling. And then I got so sad

about getting sad so easily,
I had to go lie down again,

which started the cycle
of sadness all over.

-Too dark!
-You need help!

Tyrannis: Oh, come on,
where's everyone going?

I've got plenty more. I hate
the way I kingsplain everything.

You know what I mean
by kingsplain. I mean, I'm

basically doing it right
now. I can't help myself.

Where'd all the steam go?
Shlub: Even that little fellow

who throws the water
on the hot rocks left.

Hippo: Yeah, you
ruined our bathhouse, Ty.

Tyrannis: Oh, the place
where my brother and father go

without me and have a laugh
with the citizens at my expense?

Hippo: Yes!

Tyrannis: At least the
water guy came back.

-Dad!
-What? Stream to steam!

Women: Hee, hee, hoo, hoo.

Hee, hee, hoo, hoo...
Stupendous: It's weird that they

found a way to make
breathing less intuitive.

Woman: It's making me lightheaded,
and I want to chase this high!

Deliria: Stupendous, I just
talked to Aphrodite and--

Stupendous: Oh, you
meddled? Shocking.

Deliria: Oh, you know
what? This is your choice.

-Really? Well, in that case--
-I suppose I just have to let

you make your own mess,
and I don't want to waste my time

watching someone mess herself.

That's more Shlub's thing.

[Fanfare playing,
women cheering]

Aphrodite: Are you
ready to get pregnant?!

-Me! Me!
-Whoo!

Aphrodite: Now's the moment
you've all been waiting for.

If I call on you,
join me on stage,

because, Mama,
you're about to get huge!

-[Cheering] -This
is my favorite part.

I am here for anyone
who wants to do it "natural"!

Aphrodite: You,
with the sack of flour!

You, who needs something to
talk about with her sisters-in-law!

You, with the narrow pelvis!

I'll spread those
hips like butter!

And you, my one-eyed,

broad-shouldered,
pigtailed mama.

-Me?!
-I'm pretty sure she was

pointing at me! Did you
mean me or her? Me, right?

Aphrodite: Get up
here, Stupendous!

You're gonna be a great mom!

Stupendous: I didn't think
I was gonna get picked.

I--I might need
a second to think.

Woman: What's to think about?
All you need to do from now on

is just make babies.
Stupendous: Babies?

I was thinking more like
a one-and-done situation.

Woman: Oh, no, after your
first, you just keep making more!

You never even have to leave
the babytorium until your tenth,

when you get to take
a vacation at a volcano!

Stupendous: Um, I think
I need to find my mom.

We had a fight and, you know.

Woman: Oh, you'll never
have to do that again.

They separate you
from your family forever.

You don't even ever come back from
the volcano, as far as anybody can tell!

Aphrodite: We're
waiting, Stupendous.

Bring those big, sturdy
tree trunk legs up here.

Woman: Her or me?
Just making sure!

Stupendous: I was
thinkin' I would take a pass

on the whole baby
thing, just for now.

-Are you out of your mind?!
-I don't usually agree

with such hysterical
women, but--are you?

Stupendous: No, h*, h*! I just
had a chance to think about it

and, funny thing, it turns
out, I don't want a baby.

Aphrodite: I know that's
not true. It's just cold feet.

Stupendous: No, my
feet are fine. It's this part.

No offense to all
you baby crazies.

I don't think you're all being
long-term scammed or anything,

or that motherhood is,
like, a type of sl*very.

I mainly just wanted
to rile my mom up.

She treats me like a baby,
acts like I have no agency,

blah blah blah. Aphrodite:
Are you telling me

you used my festival to work out
some kind of personal agenda?!

That doesn't fly here! You
said you wanted a baby!

Well, baby, you're
getting a baby!

Where are you going
with that big, empty womb?

Woman 2: If she doesn't
want hers, I'll take it!

Woman 3: Same! In my village,
women who don't produce heirs

are turned into ankle bracelets
for their husbands' next wives!

Woman 2: Oh, are you from
Ascra? Do you know Iris Glaukopis?

Woman 3, gasping: Get out!

Aphrodite: I chose Stupendous,

and I'll be baby-zapping
Stupendous!

I'm thinking I'll make
this one a redhead.

Stupendous: You're sick!

[Pigs squealing and oinking]

Aphrodite: Deliria!

-Mom! Where were you?
-The wings!

Now, admit that I was right.

You did not want a baby!

Stupendous: Fine,
yes! I just wanted

to show you I can make
decisions for myself!

Deliria: Well, that was a
risky gamble, don't you think?

Rather proved the
opposite of your point.

Stupendous: Can you please just
help me and we can talk about it later?!

Aphrodite: Stop using my
stage for your petty squabbling!

This is my show!

Deliria: You know what I
always find funny, Aphrodite?

As the goddess of beauty,
you have infinite forms

you could choose from, and
yet you picked those boobs?

Aphrodite: Small
and pointy is a classic!

It's too bad I'm way more
powerful than you are.

You can't turn me
into a pig, Deliria.

Deliria: That's
not my only thing!

Viktoria: Noooooo!

Woman: Whoo! Ha ha ha ha!

Woman 2: Ah! Ha ha!

Viktoria: I used to spend
Sundays just reading!

Shlub: You said some
pretty hurtful things

about yourself back
there. Are you all right?

Tyrannis: If anything,
I was holding back.

Hippo: Yikes. That
was holding back?

-I was just trying to own it.
-Well, perhaps that was

the problem, son. You can't
own someone else not liking you.

-Then what can you do?
-What I do: go somewhere else.

Tyrannis: I'm sorry. I shouldn't
have forced you to bring me.

You were just trying
to protect my feelings.

Shlub: I'm afraid you've
awarded us too much credit.

Hippo: Yeah, we weren't
thinking about your feelings.

We were thinking about
our bathhouse experience.

We're the ones who
should be apologizing to you.

Tyrannis: It's OK.
The people have a right

to free speech,
you two included.

Shlub: All right, then I'll come
out and say it if no one else will:

A little cannibalism should
be welcome in the bedroom.

Hippo: Come on,
let's go grab a drink.

-All of us?
-Obviously.

Jeez, Ty, you do need help.

Stupendous: I got an idea.

Well, that's not
what I expected.

Deliria: So let me
get this straight.

You got us into a zap battle

with Aphrodite
because...why again?

Stupendous: I could argue
you got us into a zap battle

by making me come
to this stupid festival!

[Grunts]

And what if I really
did want a kid?

Do you think I'd be
such a terrible mother?

Deliria: Of course not.

There's no such thing
as a terrible mother.

Stupendous: Because, you
know, I might want to one day.

Just not like this.

I mean, what kind of baby
is that even gonna be?

Aphrodite: A ground baby!

Deliria: I'm sorry I'm
not the warmest mother.

But I still don't want to
lose you to Aphrodite.

Stupendous: You can't
lose me. You're my mom.

Deliria: I think I can end this.

[Grunts] Oh, Aphrodite?

Isn't this your
second in command?

You know, you're
not the only one

who can zap a baby into someone.

Aphrodite: You're bluffing.
You don't have the power.

Deliria: Watch me.

Aphrodite: No! Not my
most productive deputy!

I'll never find someone
with her experience

for what I'm offering
in benefits and perks!

Deliria: And if you don't
leave my daughter alone,

I'll do it to all
your best workers.

Aphrodite: Fine, you win!
Oh, get out of here, both of you!

And Stupe, if you
ever want a baby,

don't expect any help from me!

Stupendous: I don't need you.

I can get pregnant with my mom!

[Connie's belly oinks]

Ty: This was a great idea!
Hippo: We should do this

more often, the three of us.

Man: Did you hear how Tyrannis
bankrupted the bathhouse?

Man 2: He messed it up just like
he messed up our legal system.

I liked solving disputes
via spanking!

What am I supposed to do
with all my canes and rods?

Hippo: Resist the urge
to outdo them, Ty.

Shlub:
Perhaps someplace quieter?

Hippo: Much better.
Man: Ugh!

This wine tastes
like tar!

Tarmaid: That's because it is
tar. You can thank the king,

who ruined the trade routes
to the good grape regions!

Tyrannis: Trying to end this
will just make it worse.

-That's right.
-I was ready to die.

I'd done everything
I wanted to. Now this.

Tyrannis: Well, we've come to
something that isn't my fault.

Viktoria: Now I have to get
a second job as a tarmaid

in order to afford a child,
because this city

is so expensive,

which is your fault.

Tyrannis: She is so old.

-Right?!
-Put my name down!

Man: Did you get any of that?

Woman: Bento.