-J. Snyder
USED CARS & USED BOOKS
I went to the bathroom to pee,
and there it was
in the tub, watching me!
For real.
I told her that she couldn't
keep a cobra in the bathtub.
It'll need a terrarium
at some point,
why not get one now?
What a f*cking idiot.
Well, you can't choose
your parents.
No, not yet...
Aw, sh*t.
He's gonna be a pain in the a*s today.
-I don't wanna talk to him.
-He stresses me out.
If we turn around,
maybe he won't see us.
We look like idiots,
facing the wall.
It changes things up.
Routine is a k*ller, man.
What are you talking about?
Well, if you always smoke
in the same spot, you'll...
I'll die?
Something like that.
For chrissakes, Lucien,
don't do that!
Don't do what?
Come into work?
No, I mean,
sneak up on us,
I dunno.
Are these extensions?
It's no big deal, I don't know
why everyone's noticing them.
They're more affordable
than you think.
I know a place--
What's your costume, Marc?
Car salesman?
How original.
I'm dressed as a trader.
Looks a lot like
your everyday clothes.
Ah, okay.
Maybe you need
to see the eye doctor.
Oh, snap!
Look, I don't usually put gel
in my hair.
And this is a calculator watch,
with the stock market
and the NASDAQ on it.
If Sylvie could fix the g*dd*mn Wi-Fi,
it would work.
Word.
See that? Solange is dressed
as an old f*ck this year!
f*ck off.
I don't want to insult
your pumpkin, Solange.
Your execution
is quite adequate.
But from a historical perspective,
it's shocking.
In the actual legend,
Jack had carved out and lit a turnip
to wander eternally
in limbo.
A turnip, not a pumpkin.
I thought everyone knew that.
Well, you have a lovely day too.
Happy Halloween.
Yeah, it's in rough shape.
Can you rub it off?
Sylvie wants to put
2020 instead of 2018.
-I'll take off the 1 and the 8.
-Let's confirm with her first.
Vile & Miserable
Lucien, can you come to my office
immediately, please?
SYLVIE LINGUINI,
BIG BOSS AND OWNER
Yes, Sylvie?
Happy Halloween, Lucien!
Sit down.
Garfield?
Hell no.
Why does everyone say that?
I'm not any particular cat.
I'm an anonymous cat
that represents all cats.
The unknown soldier of cats.
I'm sorry.
I see it now.
The universal face
of cats.
Good.
I have big plans for you, Lucien.
I'm expanding the bookstore.
Yeah?
How so?
Cars are the past.
Books are the future!
Think so?
I can get a book for a dollar or two
and flip it for six or eight bucks.
That's a 600% profit!
Try to do that with a car.
Impossible.
Tonight, you're going to pick up
a shipment of books.
-They're technically stolen goods, but...
-Stolen goods?
Not gonna lie,
the goods are f*cking hot.
Hot as hell!
-So I need my best guy on it.
-Who, me?
But you can't do it alone.
-That's why...
-No, no, no!
-I hired an assistant for you.
-No, Sylvie!
No!
I work alone, and you know it!
His name is Daniel.
He's young, dynamic,
passionate, highly qualified.
The best of the lot
fresh out of The Booksellers School.
-Like you could learn it in school!
-You'll be his mentor.
You'll shape him.
You're a natural leader,
everyone respects you here.
You're wrong, Sylvie.
Everyone hates me here,
and it's very mutual.
You? Hating people?
Yeah, right.
They're a g*ng
of ignorant little sh*t eaters.
So yeah... I can hate them easily.
Little sh*t eaters?
You're silly.
I won't work with anyone else!
There's no room!
Where will he hang his coat?
There's only one hook!
sh*t, I didn't think of the hook.
We'll find a solution.
A coat rack?
It's not going to work!
We're ruined, Lucien.
Ruined!
That bankruptcy in the Himalayas
is choking us!
Bankruptcy in the Himalayas?
What are you...?
The highest altitude
bookstore-dealership in the world.
Seemed like a sure bet, no?
Darn it!
It's our only hope.
Either that or you
no longer have a job here.
Either that or no one
has a job here.
You'll be fine.
One more little thing.
Can you give this to Solange?
I'm too shy.
No, thank you.
Mr. Lucien Vil?
I'm Daniel.
I'm your new assistant.
Mrs. Linguini said...
I know. Daniel, the star bookseller.
Well, I'm not a bookseller yet,
but I have the diploma.
One day I hope
to have my own shop.
You'll never be a bookseller.
You're not cut out for it.
No spine,
no guts.
Hey...
No ba*ls.
What does it have to do
with my ba*ls?
Have you read Moby d*ck?
ISBN 9780393972832
in paperback.
The hardcover is...
Hold on.
You know the ISBN by heart?
Well yeah,
that's our job.
But have you read it?
Not yet, but it's on my list.
What good is your ISBN
when a client asks for the best book
about sperm whales?
Maybe I could
use Book and Cranny.
"Book and Cranny"?
The name's not...
It's an algorithm I made.
An algorithm?
I could cross-reference
"sperm whale" and "boat".
Let me show you!
You'd recommend it
without having read it?
Are you crazy?
What if it's crap?
Is it crap?
No, it's a monumental masterpiece!
What g*n did Mark Twain use
when he traveled west?
Mark Twain's g*n?
Smith & Wesson .22 calibre.
What do they teach you
at The Booksellers School?
To categorize books...
The Booksellers School
is a pile of sh*t!
Hello Mr. Vil.
Hello.
My friend is looking for a book.
I told her you were the best.
Yeah, it's a book.
There's a doctor in it.
Dust Over the City.
Andr Langevin, 1953.
A young doctor and his wife
move to Macklin,
a fictional mining town
based on Thetford Mines.
Yes, that's it!
I'll get it.
It's 9780771092138.
How did you know?
The little CBC pin on your bag,
the La Licorne Theatre program
and your outfit led me to assume
your interest in Quebec writers.
But it was mostly your strong
and unpleasant Thetford Mines accent
that made me think you'd want
a book based in your hometown.
You can pay on your way out.
-Thanks again. I'll be back.
-See you soon.
A little car to drive back to Thetford?
To go with your book?
No thanks,
we don't need a car.
Maybe a Mini?
Or a cute Kicks with an orange roof?
This is a car dealership,
you know!
Those were my first clients,
did I do okay?
You'll have to give me some tips,
'cause that was amazing!
Did you do okay?
A virtuoso!
The speed, the memory!
That was art, Daniel.
Thanks, Mrs. Linguini,
but it was all Lucien's doing!
You were both great.
As if Gretzky and Lemieux
were playing for the same team.
-Who?
-Who?
You're the perfect fit,
my boy.
This is the first book
that Lucien ever sold here.
The client was barely out the door
when I jumped on him,
grabbed the book, tore out the pages,
and now look.
Preserved in plaster.
Are you dressed
as the unknown soldier of cats?
Yes!
That's exactly it!
Lucien thought it was Garfield!
Hear that, Lucien?
He knew right away!
It's really well done.
Humans ruin everything.
Pure idiots.
They don't deserve Halloween.
I can't believe she did this to me
on Halloween.
Halloween is such a great day.
Everyone's crazy about Christmas,
but I don't get it.
Christmas is awful.
Elves and Christmas decorations?
They can't compete with Halloween.
And no one wears costumes
for Christmas.
Except for Santa,
but he's the only one.
He's all alone.
People are stupid.
Especially Daniel.
LUCIEN'S RAMBLING AGAIN
sh**t ME NOW.
But why do you like Halloween so much?
I don't know.
Maybe I hate people less
when they aren't themselves.
Like we're all equal in costume,
so they piss me off less?
I'd like for us to do
a little exercise together.
You'll see, it's really simple.
I'd like that starting now,
you don't say one more f*cking word
about Halloween.
I think we've reached the stage
in our therapy
where you f*cking get over Halloween.
And all other boring subjects, too.
Is that something
you can do, Lucien?
It's the first time I've brought it up.
Let's take care
of your little Jean-Benoit.
-Let's find a way to break him.
-Jean-Benoit?
-The shitty assistant Sylvie gave you.
-Daniel.
I hate that name!
I hate Daniels!
Except the OGs,
like Brire, Craig, Day-Lewis,
Radcliffe, Sedin, Baldwin...
It's my bookstore!
Sylvie doesn't know
what she's doing.
Everyone knows
you can't work with other people.
Exactly!
Tell Sylvie that.
I tried to call her,
but she must have Caller ID.
Anyway, forget about it.
I'll take care of him.
What do you mean by that?
I'll take care of him,
that's all.
How?
I don't want you to k*ll him.
My God.
First time I've seen you
defend someone like that.
I don't want you to k*ll him,
that's normal!
But you want him gone?
-Yeah but I wanna keep my job.
-I'll do it but you might lose your job.
-No.
-Let me rephrase.
I'll take care of him,
and you'll keep your job.
-Better?
-Much better.
Gastroenteritis,
bedbugs...
This is taking so long!
I'm so nervous.
Who said a bookseller's life
wasn't exciting?
A little chilly out.
Finally!
What's so funny?
You kept your costume on
under your thief's clothes.
Excuse me?
Well, yeah. Look.
Do something!
He touched my horn!
-Quiet!
-He can't do that!
I'm filing a grievance
for speciesism!
Speciesism...?
Someone who judges others
based on their species.
You should open a book
once in a while!
What's your problem, Daniel?
Did I hire a bigot?
You like laughing
at other people's physiques?
Would you want me to say,
"Scrawny legs you got there, Daniel"?
But I'm not joking!
He's wearing his costume
under his clothes.
It's not a costume, Daniel.
Look.
Sylvie!
Hold on a sec.
Am I dead?
Is that it?
I'm in Hell?
I don't even know how I died!
It was the cheese strings, right?
Of course I died eating cheese strings.
Daniel, you're not dead.
You're not in Hell.
Hell is not even a thing anymore.
There's nothing after.
What?
After you die,
there's just nothing.
It all started
with an ordinary phone call.
In Heaven,
God was bored.
You know, eternity
can be long and dull sometimes.
Hello?
-Hello sir, I'm calling for a survey.
-Okay.
Is your fridge running?
Yes.
Then tie it up before it gets away!
God!
Satan got him back
with a bucket of fish over the door.
A classic.
Satan!
Things escalated quickly.
Take that!
Anything was fair game.
In your face, God!
The w*r between Heaven and Hell
went on and on.
It was a stalemate.
Until the great expl*si*n.
A few demons, including Lucien,
managed to escape
and fled to earth.
Till next time, Lucien!
Bye, Andr!
It's the end of the world!
He quickly realized that living
with humans would not be easy.
That was over 350 years ago.
But there aren't a lot of them.
How many?
A hundred of you, tops?
Holy crap.
Aren't you going to fire him?
Give the poor guy a chance.
We've all had our first encounter
with a demon.
Remember when we met?
I tried to stab you in the heart
with a crucifix, so this is pretty tame.
I'm really sorry, Lucien.
I'm from a small town,
and back home we don't have...
Hold on, does that mean
that you were butt naked at work?
I never dress up for Halloween.
No, that's how they are!
You can see, they have no...
-Sylvie!
-Well, they do have one.
But they can only use it once a year,
on Groundhog Day,
to reproduce.
Jeez, Sylvie,
that's personal!
I'm just saying
that it wasn't indecent.
On Groundhog Day?
Lucien, did you practice the handshake?
It's really important.
The cash is in the truck.
The bookstore is in your hands, Daniel.
Don't forget it!
-Can you please stop staring at me?
-Yeah, sorry.
Does that mean you're immortal?
That must be pretty cool.
Yeah, it's really cool.
Seeing everyone you know
wither, die and rot before your eyes
while you go on,
never to die.
What an unbelievable privilege.
It's okay,
I don't expect a human to get it.
No, I wasn't thinking,
I didn't...
-What are you doing!?
-What?
Never put a book down
like that!
That's not okay!
That's barbaric!
I'm sorry!
Here, use a bookmark.
-You always have bookmarks on you?
-I'm a bookseller!
So I need to get
a bunch of bookmarks too?
I think that's our signal.
Good evening.
Can we go on?
It wasn't that complicated.
Do you often use secret handshakes?
Piss off.
Demon!
-We have demon on team before.
-Yeah?
Who was it?
Maybe I know him.
Rat!
He was rat.
Traitor.
Police traitor.
Wrong guy.
I don't know him.
You, not police traitor?
No, no, no.
-You have the cash?
-Yup.
Do you have the goods?
Maria!
We weren't here for g*ns, we--
This is banned in 194 countries.
Impossible to find.
Bono owns every copy.
This really is a goldmine.
Can I test it out?
Look at this!
She had an ace!
Can I have a little cookie?
We have deal?
We have a deal.
The '72 hardcover edition
is very rare.
I think it's the best used book
I've ever read.
For real?
Oh sh*t...
Relax!
Chill out, we're not done.
I can't believe we did it.
I was so stressed!
sh*t.
Good thing we have nothing to hide.
Are you nuts? We have a shipment
of contraband books back there.
We're screwed!
Holy sh*t! You're right!
Ah f*ck!
-This is your fault.
-My fault?
Your stupid high-five bullshit.
I'm sure that caused it.
Shut up and let me talk to them.
I'm good with cops.
Good evening.
Are you coming from the port?
I said,
are you coming from the port?
Pork, like from a pig?
Why would I ask you
if you were coming from the pork?
The port. P-O-R-T.
Oh yeah! The port!
The boaty-port.
Yeah, the boaty-port.
No.
No, no but...
No, no, that's not what...
We're not...
We're on a delivery run,
officer.
Delivering what?
Uh... trucks.
There you go... that's a truck!
Can you open that truck too?
Yeah, sure, no problem.
He's got a lot of truck keys.
So, thats it.
It's another truck.
Are we checking that truck too?
We're not spending all night
opening up trucks.
The boys'll get behind on their run.
And we know what's inside.
More trucks, smaller and smaller...
That's it.
I know how it works. My brother-in-law
is a truck delivery guy.
Yeah?
Dennis Marcoux.
Oh, Dennis! We know him!
Dennis the Menace!
-That's what you call him?
-That's his polite nickname.
What's his real nickname?
Oh, it's not something
you'd want to hear.
Oh, come on.
It's just between us
delivery guys.
I can take it.
Come on,
what do you call him?
Dennis the lil' c**t.
Ok, thats
that's unusual.
We're a bunch of morons.
We'll let you
get back to work, guys.
-Have a good night.
-Thanks a lot.
-Sir?
-Yeah?
Don't tell Dennis you saw me.
We have a family brunch on Sunday,
I'll surprise him
with that nickname.
Okay, yeah.
He'll like that.
His real nickname!
Of course.
Lucky that Sylvie thought
of the three trucks.
He's kidding.
We always push each other around.
So?
We have the load.
And it's pure f*cking gold.
You got rid of the other trucks?
Yeah, they won't be found.
Hey, this truck won't unload itself.
Go on, kid.
What's that?
A book.
A used book.
A very used book.
Last time I wear rollerblades
on a date.
-Rollerblades on a date?
-They make me look taller.
I almost didn't recognize you
without your Viking hair.
It doesn't grow on trees.
Lucien isn't traumatizing you too much?
A bit at the start, but no.
I feel like
we really connected last night.
-Oh yeah?
-Yeah.
What happened last night?
We went to the port.
The boaty-port?
-Yeah, that one. And after that...
-After that, what?
After that we... went on a boat.
We went... on a cruise.
At night?
Yeah, it was a night cruise.
It was very tender.
Tender?
Yeah, the weather was tender,
the night was... tender.
It was very tender.
"It was tender?"
What's wrong with you?
He's a colleague,
we were just chatting. Sorry.
The car dealers aren't colleagues,
they're enemies.
They want to destroy
the bookstore
and we want to destroy
the car dealership.
It's been that way
since the dawn of time.
If they find out
we're expanding the bookstore,
a civil w*r will break out.
A civil w*r?
Don't exaggerate.
You've been here two minutes
and you're telling me how it works?
You will never again speak
of boaty-ports or tender cruises.
Is that clear?
Sorry. When people yell at me,
I just can't hold it in.
An angel is here.
-An angel?
-That's right.
Never seen an angel?
He's from the country
and he's an imbecile.
-I just didn't know that--
-Yes, angels do exist.
They got here at the same time as us,
like a bunch of sheep.
I'll ask you to leave my bookstore.
You're the manager?
For 39 years now.
A demon managing
a bookstore.
That's strange.
You can read?
Agent Marion.
GPL, Greater Police of Literature.
My partner, agent Bernard.
-Your names?
-Daniel Lamontagne.
Lucien Vil.
The black market for used books
has recently exploded.
We're not talking a few books
here and there.
We're talking whole shipments.
You wouldn't know anything
about that?
No, we're a small family business.
We stay away from the black market.
We don't want any of that.
We're on the case.
Call us if you hear something.
Sure, no problem.
Gentlemen.
A demon in a bookstore!
Makes me think of the old saying:
"a pile of sh*t
in a china shop."
Marion, you're batting .400.
Don't stare!
Don't look.
Don't look at her.
So she said it wouldn't work
because Sergio doesn't like dumplings.
-Who's Sergio?
-Her damn cobra!
LITTLE JIZZ
Oh jeez.
Holy sh*t Dan,
what happened?
I got up this morning
and my car was like this.
I underestimated you!
You're more badass than I thought.
"Little jizz"?
Is he calling you a little jizz
or saying you don't ej*cul*te much?
-It's not clear.
-I don't know.
Yuck, smells like piss!
Oh boy, that's for sure.
That's what it was?
Someone pissed in my car!
You smell like piss too, buddy.
You got a big stain
on your back.
That's clearly Lucien's doing.
Giving the new guy
a tough time, Lucien?
You did this, Lucien?
No way, come on.
It wasn't me!
Look at him!
-f*ck.
-What?
Well, f*ck.
Your car.
f*ck, someone pissed
in your car!
I know,
it's some psycho!
Hold on, a psycho?
You don't know him.
Maybe he had a good reason.
Yeah Dan, don't judge.
Everyone has baggage.
The guy pissed in my car!
I can say he's a psycho.
Maybe SHE's a psycho.
You're being really sexist, Dan.
Well, a little urine
won't stop me from working.
We trained for this at school.
I'll wash up in the bathroom.
Are you nuts?
You can't come in here.
I can't believe
I have to tell you this.
You can't come in to work
soaked in piss! That's Work 101.
Go wash up at home.
Sylvie! Sylvie!
I can wash at home,
but I'll have to come back in the car.
Sit on a bag.
I only have reusable ones.
And then my reusable bags...
-Now it's obvious.
-What is?
The car was vandalized
by the book mafia.
It wasn't Vil.
His tail moves when he lies.
Add that to their "tender cruise" story
and the white smuggler truck
in the parking lot.
Bullseye!
We have our guys!
Don't read too much
between the lines.
The tender cruise
really was a tender cruise.
Like, a romantic one.
What are you talking about?
The guy's trying to come
to work soaked in piss
so as not to abandon his partner.
He's in love,
he's not a smuggler.
It's beautiful, if you don't count
the soaked-in-piss part.
Impossible. A human
and a demon could never be friends.
Marion, I think your prejudice
against demons
is affecting your judgement.
And the shrink?
Any leads there?
No, nothing. He's just a moron
with a MeToo vibe.
Are you insane?
Lucien! Does a pentagram
have five or six points?
Must be six, right? 666.
Why did you vandalize Daniel's car?
I said I'd take care of him.
And I didn't k*ll him,
as promised.
They all thought it was me!
-Nice, they'll be watching their backs.
-What were you thinking?
Hey, I'm just doing my job!
-That's not your job!
-Then what is?
To listen to me, give me advice,
figure out my worries,
make a diagnosis
and help me feel better!
That's your idea
of a therapist's job?
That's really f*cking degrading,
Lucien.
Leave Daniel alone, okay?
I need him if I want
to keep the bookstore.
You're incoherent!
One day, you're like, "Stefano!
Sylvie hired me an idiot assistant!
"My world is over,
he'll ruin everything!"
And me, fool that I am,
looking out for you,
I take care of him.
Then suddenly, my methods
aren't good enough for Mr. Vil.
Suddenly Daniel is the favorite,
better than Stefano!
Pick a lane!
You're a loner, Lucien.
Satan's son.
-A foul and repugnant creature.
-Repugnant?
I'd give anything to be in your shoes.
You're a demon, man!
A real one.
You've played by human rules
for too long,
it's not good for you!
You don't need a Daniel.
No one knows you better than I do.
Sure, my methods
may be unorthodox, but...
Just leave my job alone, okay?
It's off-limits, all right?
At your service, Your Majesty.
CHRISTMAS
She's doing it on purpose.
She is so hot.
Who dresses that sexy?
Nice party, eh?
It's horrible.
I hate Christmas.
Christmas sucks.
A bit of pep, please!
Look at your bookstore.
Books are spilling into the showroom!
We're saving the place.
If the angel police
doesn't f*ck it up.
I've thought of everything.
The books are clean, clean, clean.
No.
They won't find anything here.
Merry Christmas.
Open it.
It's the last copy in all Quebec.
There were seven last month.
Not anymore.
I bought them all and destroyed them.
-So now that one is worth a ton!
-You did what?
No, no.
I'm just kidding.
It's a joke,
I didn't do that.
I can't accept it.
Lucien, really.
I just want to thank you.
I learned more from you in a month
than I did in three years at school.
You make me want my own bookstore
even more.
I couldn't have wished
for a better mentor.
Demons can't accept Christmas presents.
We catch fire.
Look.
Oh jeez!
Dunk it in here!
-Okay?
-I'm fine.
Just don't ever do that again.
It's really dangerous
and it's kiss-a*s.
I'm gonna get another drink.
This one had burnt fingers in it.
What up, b*tches?
What are you doing here?
Coming to my buddy Marc's
office party.
Yeah, I can invite
whoever I want.
I told you
to leave my work alone!
Let go!
Everything's fine, I'm a professional.
I'm his psychiatrist.
I'll handle this outburst,
go back to your drinks.
Don't listen to him! It's no outburst,
don't go back to your drinks!
How do you know Marc?
-We met on a forum.
-A forum?
We became friends real fast.
We clicked right away,
like you and Dan.
What kind of forum?
A whole bunch of really cool stuff.
It's mostly guys,
so it's mostly guy stuff.
Like, did you know that September 11
was an inside job?
-Want in? I know the admin's parents.
-No.
So that's Daniel,
the skinny guy
with the ugly sweater
you can smell from here.
You go on night cruises with him?
What cruises?
Marc said you two
go on night cruises.
Why didn't you tell me?
We didn't go on a cruise.
Daniel made it up to avoid
talking about the book mafia.
The book mafia?
Stefano, I want you to leave.
I just want to party.
Drink a little, do a few lines,
maybe some molly, some shrooms,
some rough sex.
Just have some fun.
I know you're f*cking jealous
of what me and Marc have,
but I can have
my own Daniel too.
He's not my Daniel,
and I'm not at all jealous of Marc.
Tell that to your face!
Stefano...
Doctor Stefano Von Strudel.
I'm Lucien's shrink-slash-best friend.
Nice to meet you!
I'm Daniel-slash-Lucien's best assistant.
That's me.
I thought you'd be more handsome.
-That's a compliment.
-Oh yeah?
Yeah, it means that I thought
you were handsome.
That's enough.
I'm feeling generous.
Next round's on me!
It's free.
It's an office party.
Who's the nerd?
That's Louis, don't listen to him.
Shut the f*ck up, man!
Lucien only has one human friend,
and that's me, okay?
What?
He's been my patient-slash-best friend
for ten years.
It takes time
to build a relationship.
What does that have to do with me?
Your plan won't work.
Lucien is a demon.
Dealing with his kind
is dangerous.
He needs someone like him.
Like me.
A master of chaos.
I am chaos.
That's great.
If you wanna battle for Lucien,
you'll lose 'cause I'm a hyena.
I'm a jackal.
I have no conscience.
I'm a ghoul
and I'll eat your soul.
-Great.
-And I'm not scared of you,
with your vest, your pants,
your shoes,
your hair and your weaselly face!
That's it, f*ck off!
Yuck, you're washing your hands?
You do everything you're told, eh?
-I bet you pay your taxes.
-Yes!
Lucien, your shrink is crazy!
He threatened me in the bathroom!
Yeah, he's different,
but you can't choose your shrink.
I'd say picking your shrink is one of
the most important choices in life.
You know a lot of shrinks
specializing in demons?
I've looked,
there aren't any.
Stefano understands me
and my condition.
He even respects it.
It interests him,
so I can tell him anything.
That's Marc!
Let me tell you,
I haven't known Marc for long,
but we're already close.
We're like this.
He's a guy
who has great opinions-slash-values.
Marc's a free thinker.
Marc deserves
a round of applause!
Give it up for my main man,
Lucien Vil!
Okay, Stefano.
I know he's a bit of a weirdo,
a creep, a loser.
But it's not easy
being Lucien.
Gotta put yourself
in his shoes to understand him.
Good thing my book is coming out
this spring to help you!
You'll understand everything
about Lucien.
Like the fact that he can only have sex
on Groundhog Day.
And he hasn't f*cked
in 40 years!
Oops, spoiler!
Thanks, Montreal!
I'll be at the bar
to take your book pre-orders!
What book?
Merry Christmas!
I wrote a book about you.
A book about me?
You'll see, the chapter
on Groundhog Day is amazing!
I don't believe it.
I'll finally be the top specialist
on demons, our dream!
That's my life, my secrets.
It's personal!
That's why it'll sell so well!
It's so honest and authentic!
You delete it all, now!
Can't you just be excited
for other people for once?
And it's too late, I've already signed
the publishing contract.
-With TV rights.
-TV rights?
Nice, eh?
-Leave.
-It's not even midnight.
Leave!
Lucien let's go.
We won't play their game.
I can leave by myself.
Hey Daniel,
what do you think of that?
That's a great track!
Marc!
-Can you follow that taxi?
-What?
Follow that taxi,
but slowly and discretely.
How do you like my home?
I love it.
Sober and elegant at once.
That was exactly what I told
the designer.
People tend to go overboard
but that's not necessary.
People are vulgar
and trivial.
People are exceptionally pathetic.
I might even say
that I hate people.
It's true that I love your interior,
but everything is relative.
There are things that I love
even more.
Yes?
Like what?
Like sexuality, for example.
Yes...
I've heard that sexuality is...
I mean...
Sexuality is fantastic,
of course.
I invented a word
to talk about sexuality.
Oh yes?
What is it?
Boning.
Oh yes.
Boning.
I'd say that my favourite kind
of sexuality--
Are we still talking about that?
Maybe we can have some dessert?
Our dessert,
is it sexuality?
-We're animals!
-Oh yeah!
-We're little muskrats.
-Your words excite me.
I love muskrats!
You're so right,
sex is enjoyable!
-I'm going to come, Lucien!
-Likewise, likewise!
Come inside me
like in the videos online!
Hi Lucien.
You all right?
You might think I'm crazy
but I think your shrink vandalized
my car, not the book mafia.
Sorry, I'm boring you
with my theories.
No, you're right.
It was him.
-You knew?
-My shrink is a maniac.
I should have picked a better one.
I guess we have
the friends we deserve, eh?
Can you take care of the clients today?
I gotta do a bit of cleaning.
I saw a Chekov
next to an Alexandre Dostie.
Of course,
no problem.
Bye, Lucien.
-What are you doing tonight?
-Tonight?
I was supposed to see Stefano,
so nothing.
Why?
Want to come to my book club?
Ugh, a book club?
Yeah, we're a great group.
Well, it's a book club
so things can get heated.
You can't let your guard down.
Tonight we're discussing Balzac.
Let's go, I'll give you a ride.
No, no.
Your car still smells like piss.
Text me the address
and maybe I'll drop by.
Okay, nice.
It'll be the night of our lives!
No, I mean,
it'll be fine.
Not too boring,
not too fun.
Just normal-fine.
The book club is obviously code
for organized crime.
No, the book club
is just a pretext.
A reason for them to hang out.
The first steps of love stories
are always so cute.
It's my favourite part.
The butterflies in the stomach,
the emotions that...
We gotta move.
Let's search their place tonight.
We don't have a warrant!
You're so damned stuck-up,
Bernard.
Lucien, you came!
Come on in.
Here's the g*ng.
This is milie, my sister,
and her roommate Sara.
Franois, my literature teacher
from college, but we stayed close.
-And Sandrine, my best friend.
-Hi.
Yup.
Have a seat.
You're gonna freak out:
Lucien knew Balzac!
-Seriously?
-Yeah.
Well, tell us more!
Back then
I spent a few years in France,
and I found a job
at his publishing house.
I was sort of like Honor's assistant.
He calls him Honor!
Isn't that cool?
What was he like?
Well, I wouldn't call him modest.
Balzac was uppity!
A beer for my friend Lucien here,
on my tab. And shooters?
-Yeah.
-Six vodka shots, please.
Do you have any historical gossip?
Louis-Joseph Papineau
was allergic to shrimp.
Not so bright after all.
Huge flaw.
Here you go.
To Lucien,
the mightiest bookseller on earth.
-Suck-up!
-No, it's true.
To Lucien!
Not so stuck-up now, am I?
Look at me go.
Congrats on doing your job.
What exactly are we looking for?
We won't flip
through every book?
Demons are so dumb,
I'm sure he's left a trace.
A trace of what?
Gotcha, Vil.
-How long since you'd seen one?
-At least 30 years.
And now twice, at the grocery store
and in the taxi.
She looks so self-assured
and intimidating.
Twice, that's gotta be a sign.
I don't even know
who she is.
I don't get it,
I thought I knew everyone.
You don't have
some kind of a demon phonebook,
a Facebook group or something?
There was a forum once,
but no one used it and now it's gone.
So now you hang out
mostly with humans?
Human friends
that end up dying?
I haven't done that in a while.
Anyway, humans and demons
have never been a good match.
Oh, yeah?
Do you miss Hell sometimes?
I mean, all that debauchery...
Everyone thinks Hell was a blast,
but it wasn't fun at all.
It was called Hell for a reason.
Oh, yeah...
And my dad was a real jerk.
Satan?
We're talking about Satan?
Not a cool guy like people think.
Sure, he was a man of his generation
who didn't communicate,
but I think
he just never really wanted kids.
He loved to travel.
His dream was to write travel guides.
When my parents had us,
they decided it was time
to settle down somewhere.
So he started Hell.
It was supposed to be a small thing,
but it quickly became a huge attraction.
So he was always busy,
he never had any time.
I think he felt like a prisoner,
and he took it out on us.
It was intolerable.
-I'm so sorry to hear that, Lucien.
-That's okay.
I'm really happy you came out tonight.
Your beers, boys.
Come on, let's just keep drinking
and talking sh*t about Victor Hugo!
-Victor Hugo was a cheapskate.
-Yeah?
We ate out with Alex Dumas,
he refused to pay for bread.
It was so cool to meet you,
you're the best.
Thanks Sandrine,
you too are the best in your field.
Bye Lucien!
Lucien, it was a pleasure.
You have nice friends.
You were right,
it was a normal-fine evening.
I enjoyed it.
I was thinking,
you should be the one writing a book.
-You have 2000 years of material.
-Who'd want to read that?
Well, my friends, for one.
They were hanging on your every word!
-Biographies are lame.
-Yours wouldn't be.
You'd do it your own way,
I'm sure it would be great!
-Better than your shitty shrink's.
-Well, I dunno.
DELETE
BIG-DUMMY
The coffee's damn good this morning.
Thanks.
I sure ain't 20 anymore.
And I sure ain't 2000.
...the French version
of Horny Dragons.
-You can't treat a book like that!
-Good morning.
What's going on?
We know everything.
I don't know
what you're talking about.
Stop wasting my time, okay?
I know your tail moves
when you lie.
You're cooked, Vil.
So you're looking
for a new place?
To open a new bookstore, maybe?
You'll have to fill it
with used books.
Where will you get the books?
We're not looking
for a new place,
I don't know
what you're talking about.
We spoke
to some very interesting people.
With strong Eastern European accents.
We had a great little chat.
On October 31,
were you by any chance at the port?
At the pork, like a pig?
The boaty-port.
Don't even try.
-No, I wasn't there.
-For f*ck's sake!
Stand back a bit, Bernard.
Things will be heating up.
If your tail moves one more time,
I swear things will get real.
What's that?
You're trying to provoke me?
That book didn't do anything
to deserve that.
-Are you authorized to use t*rture?
-It's Svetlaren.
A full-bodied Bulgarian black tea
with notes of raspberry
and rose and blood orange
essential oils.
It also happens to be
the favourite tea of Irina Naboskova,
boss of the book mafia.
That doesn't mean anything.
Everyone uses Bulgarian teabags
as bookmarks.
It preserves the pages,
everyone knows that.
Where were you
on October 31?
I was with a friend.
A friend?
That's your alibi?
Can you be any more vague?
Did you know that Naboskova's books
were stolen from an orphanage?
I was with a friend.
A friend!
I have a friend!
You already said that.
What else?
Lucien, not another word.
-Sylvie?
-No.
Sylvain Linguini.
I am Mr. Vil's lawyer,
and my client won't say another word.
How can you do that?
That's easy.
You're an angel, he's a demon.
That's a conflict of interest.
And your warrant doesn't allow you
to question my client.
You have no proof,
only a veil of suppositories.
A veil of what?
Don't make me repeat myself,
your proof is a veil of suppositions!
Come on, Lucien.
Watch out, Vil.
We'll analyze each of those pages,
even if it takes months.
And then your reign
will be kaput.
Game over.
Checkmate.
Those orphans will never learn
to read because of me.
I was blinded by my dream.
Forget about the orphans!
The main thing
is to toe the line.
Keep a low profile.
They won't find a thing
in those books.
Thanks Sylvain,
you've saved my life again.
That's what family is for.
Are you coming on Sunday?
-Gentlemen.
-Thanks Sylvain.
Yeah, thanks.
I've become a monster.
You couldn't have known, Sylvie.
No one knew.
Actually, your bookstore idea
is starting to sound great.
I'd even say that I couldn't
have done it without this dummy.
I think...
We might have to put in
another coat hook.
You know what Sylvie told me?
This has been Linguini's
best financial quarter ever.
I admit I wasn't initially convinced
by that "Book and Cranny" app.
I'm gonna change that,
it's a working title.
But it works really well.
Better than I thought. Well done.
Thanks.
Hey guys, big day?
f*ck off, Lucien. Did I taunt you
when our business was good?
Yeah, all the time,
every day!
Try selling cars
from an empty lot!
What? Sorry, I can't hear you,
there are too many books in the way!
Too many books!
Are we finally winning the civil w*r
against the car dealers?
That was your dream, Lucien!
I leave for a month and now
two f*cking nerds are running the show?
Your hair looks nice.
But I'm not so sure
about the earrings.
Yeah?
It's like everything's going great!
TUESDAY DEMONS
Hello.
I was in the area, and since
I followed you home the other day...
Don't say that, stupid!
Hello.
Hi.
I was in the area.
I can see that.
Yeah, so it's me.
-We saw each other in the taxi.
-And at the grocery store.
Oh yeah, it was just me
who saw you then.
You're spying on me?
Do you live close by?
Yes.
-I've only been in town a few months.
-That's why we hadn't met--
I know you followed me
in the taxi.
Zero for subtlety.
It was super obvious.
Sorry, I'm not so good
at tailing people.
So you thought following me
like a perv would turn me on?
I'm messing with you.
I think being stalked is sexy.
I know it's wrong, but...
-Wanna have a drink sometime?
-A drink?
You free Sunday night?
Sunday?
This Sunday?
But it's...
Yep.
February 2.
Food critic?
That's impressive.
You should read her reviews
before your date. When is it?
Sunday.
Nice. We'll get you all dressed up,
it'll be great!
Sunday is Groundhog Day.
Yeah.
Oh, sh*t.
Right, she doesn't mess around.
She wants to...
It's been 38 years since...
-I don't know if...
-Don't worry about that!
If you're not feeling it,
just tell her.
It's fine, no pressure.
I have 38 years of pressure!
What more could you ask for?
She's like you, she'll understand you!
-That's your perfect date!
-Yeah, maybe.
Lucien, she's a demon!
That's amazing.
You're right,
I shouldn't be scared.
My car is ready.
I finally took it to the garage
to get it fixed.
-They took care of the smell?
-They said that was impossible.
What do you think makes piss
smell so bad?
Piss?
Right.
Mind if I pick it up now
before the guy goes on vacation?
-Sure, go on.
-Thanks.
And take the rest of the day off.
-Really?
-Yeah, take it easy.
-Call me if you need anything.
-Sure.
Go read her reviews!
BOOKSTORE RENTAL SPACE
It'll be perfect for my bookstore!
Here's the signed lease.
I'm surprised you chose
this restaurant.
GROUNDHOG DAY
Why's that?
You clearly don't read
my reviews.
Food literature
isn't really my cup of tea.
I'm more into Tolstoy
than Jamie Oliver.
The chef and I are in an open w*r.
He hates demons.
I'm persona non grata
in restaurants all over Quebec.
-Oh yeah? Cool?
-Good evening.
A newbie!
It's only my second night.
You'll never be a waiter.
No spine, no ba*ls.
-I bet you went to The Waiters School?
-Yeah.
It's f*cking bullshit.
I know.
You're disgusting.
You're doing everything wrong.
You're not credible...
I hate everything.
Anyway, I'll take a negroni.
It's nasty,
but better than their other drinks.
For you, sir?
A beer please.
A lager, your weakest one.
Thanks.
-Everyone's looking at us.
-Think so?
Look around.
In record time.
You want to impress me?
No, I just...
Are you ready to order?
A venison carpaccio appetizer
and the duck breast.
Their least bad thing.
I'll have the fixed menu
for $20 after 8pm.
Sorry, we don't have that anymore.
What did you order?
The duck.
For $30?
No, no.
I'll...
The chef's salad
with dressing on the side.
What have you been reading lately?
I'm not a big reader.
I don't have time with my job.
I'm more into TV series.
You mean like Baywatch?
Is that still on?
You know...
Lucien!
You're hard to find today, man!
I had to track your phone!
Happy Groundhog Day, bro.
Hope you didn't jerk off
too much this morning,
because I have a big night planned!
I'm Stefano,
Lucien's best friend-slash-shrink.
But especially best friend.
How are you?
Not good at all.
What's up?
One, you shouldn't be here.
Two, you're interrupting my dinner.
Three, you're dressed up as a demon.
-So?
-That's not okay!
Do I really have to explain why?
No.
But it's like a tribute!
It's flattering!
I thought you'd find it really cool.
Have you even noticed I stopped
coming to our sessions a month ago?
You didn't notice?
We saw each other twice a week!
I gotta say,
after the Christmas party,
Marc and I went on a bit of a bender.
We just got back from Thailand.
That was one hell of a binge!
I don't ever wanna see you.
I don't want you in my life.
Leave.
Seriously?
Hold on.
Give me a chance, Lucien.
Hey, what if we split
the book profits 50-50?
It's just as much your book
as it is mine.
I can change.
Please.
Forget about the book,
I don't care about it.
Don't do this to me!
Is it because of Marc?
I don't care about him.
He's a little sl*t
compared to you.
It was just to make you jealous.
You're my only friend.
I'm the only one who understands you.
We're the same, you and I,
we're demons!
You're not a demon
and you never will be!
You're no longer my shrink,
even less my slash-best friend!
I'm sorry, I have to ask you
to leave the restaurant.
Can we ask on what grounds?
Your friend is using a demon voice
and scaring everyone!
Hear that Lucien?
Your "demon" voice is bothering them.
I heard that!
But the guy in the demon costume
isn't bothering you?
I knew it,
they don't like us.
-That's speciesism, sir!
-Speciesism?
-Jean-Luc! Jean-Pierre!
-Don't worry, we're going.
By the way,
Groundhog Day is OUR day.
So that's cultural appropriation!
-That was awesome!
-What just happened?
We got kicked out of a restaurant.
I made Stefano cry,
I broke plates,
I raised my voice
in front of people.
-Did my eyes turn yellow?
-Yeah, it was hot.
They deserved it.
You saw how they treated us!
You're right.
At one point, enough is enough.
And it felt so good.
Here?
Aren't there a lot of people around?
Them? What have they
done for us lately?
You're so right.
We'll show them the real meaning
of Groundhog Day!
We need to do that every year.
That's an order!
For real?
I thought our date was a disaster.
Let's give each other a chance.
By, like, skipping the restaurant.
Anyway, it's not like I'm looking
for a boyfriend,
or even worse, a friend!
Yuck!
Yeah, yuck.
What's wrong?
-What's wrong, Lucien?
-Well...
Well what?
I don't think we're looking
for the same thing.
What are you looking for?
Hey, how was the big date?
-When were you gonna tell me?
-Tell you what?
That you're buying a bookstore
behind my back!
f*ck.
Lucien, I told you
it was my dream.
You were planning to leave
just as things were starting to look up?
I wasn't planning anything.
You're a traitor.
A f*cking traitor!
Let me remind you that you
weren't nice to me at the start.
You barely started treating me
like a normal person.
f*ck you.
f*ck right off!
The "Les Fleurs du Mal" operation
is ongoing.
It's a timing thing.
At first I felt unwanted
at Linguini.
I felt like you didn't want me there,
that it was your bookstore, period.
I don't have a bookstore anymore.
Happy now?
It's over.
I have nothing.
Lucien, I'm sorry.
You're free to go.
Your boss admitted everything.
You weren't in the know.
You've been cleared.
I...
I owe you an apology.
Bernard was right,
I see crime everywhere.
I didn't see that it was simply
a budding romance.
Romance?
When Von Strudel called yesterday,
I was sure I had my key witness.
My smoking g*n!
With him and Naboskova's DNA
on the teabag,
you were toast,
finished, dead meat.
But as I took his statement today,
I realized he was a madman
gnawed by jealousy
and heavy drug use.
He's a jealous, paranoid, lying ex
and his testimony would be thrown out.
His love had a new flame,
someone handsomer, younger,
smarter than him.
And he'd do anything
to destroy him.
Eh okay?
You make a nice couple.
And there's no rule that says
that a scrawny-legged human nerd
can't be with a pathetic old demon
whose breath smells like a*s.
Those barriers only exist
in our minds,
so thank you for breaking them.
You guys are amazing.
And you've helped me grow.
Thank you.
-Lucien...
-Leave me alone.
I don't need a friend,
I was fine before you came along.
Turn around.
Go back inside.
It's an honour for us
to have you.
We didn't think we'd get someone
of your caliber when we posted the job.
As long as there are books...
m*therf*cker.
-Five days late. That'll be $50.
-But...
No buts. Pay up.
-I'm sorry.
-No problem.
THE END
The lightness of a life full of meaning
Hi! Horror books are 20 percent off...
You dressed up
as Rjean Ducharme?
You're good,
no one else has gotten it.
People are stupid.
You aren't naked?
No.
Figured I would start
dressing up for Halloween too.
I'm going as an ex-bookseller.
-Not a bad spot.
-Thanks.
-Are you pro-turnip too?
-Yeah!
I'm insulted and enraged
by every pumpkin I see.
And you?
What are you up to
these days?
Today I woke up and remembered
that your first day at Linguini
was exactly one year ago.
So I figured it was a good day
to come see you
and show you this.
Your story.
You did it.
Volume 1?
I already have eight more written.
So you decided
to start off slowly, eh?
Look at the dedication.
TO DANIEL, WITHOUT WHOM I WOULD HAVE
NEVER STARTED WRITING. THANK YOU.
You gave me the idea, so...
That's it.
Thank you.
-I'm sorry.
-Don't be.
I was shitty to you at first.
I get why you'd want to leave.
Changing is not easy
when you're a 2,359-year-old f*ck.
But I still should have told you.
It would have pissed me off too.
I was so mad at first,
it's all I could think about
on my date with Karine.
Imagine having a date with a demon
but only thinking of...
No, no.
It's yours, keep it.
Thanks.
-Lucien, I don't know if...
-Looking to hire?
I know a bookseller
looking for a job.
Tell him he's hired on the spot.
There's even a hook
waiting for him.
But you know
I'm not immortal, right?
Pretty sure I'm gonna die.
Yeah, but you're a bookseller,
you're young, you eat well.
You're good for another 30 years.
Thirty years?
You think I'll die at 57?
Is it one of your demon powers
to know when a human will die?
I'm not saying a word!
Where are the cars?
There are no cars.
No cars?
No cars.
It's a bookstore
with books only.
It's the dumbest, most ridiculous idea
I've ever heard.
It's so crazy it might just work!
Yeah, it's been working great!
And the name of the bookstore,
is that final?
You don't like it?
"Tourne la page"?
Is it a reference
to the Simards' song?
You know it!
I thought it might be too niche.
It's not that...
You have a better name?
-Only about 20.
-Oh, only 20?
Once we tear down that wall,
we'll put an office in the back.
And this will be the showroom,
right on the street.
Sweet!
We can easily fit 10 cars in there.
-Or five big-a*s pick-ups.
-Nice!
Great, we have a deal.
Fantastic!
So you seriously
won't be selling any books?
Nope. No books.
Just cars.
That's gutsy!
You're changing the game, boys.
I admire that.
I'll go get the papers.
I can't believe it,
we did it!
I love you.
I swear,
it's over with Stefano.
Marc.
Look.
For f*ck's sake.
We'd measured it wrong,
so the truck didn't fit into the truck.
So that was a pain.
We were only off by an inch
otherwise it would have fit--
-Dennis, will you pass the potatoes?
-Of course, buddy.
You got to be precise.
Thanks, Dennis the lil' c**t!
What?
Dennis the lil' c**t.
That's you, right?
No, that's not me.
Have you been drinking
this morning?
But...
Give me back the potatoes.
They're only for polite guys.
And you're not coming with us this year
to the regatta, we're going as a family.
It k*lled my appetite.